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Tuesday, 04 December

01:30

Patricia Karvelas Arrives For Work Today Wearing Replica Of Cathy Freemans Iconic Running Suit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Just hours after being asked to leave a Parliament House presser for exposing her elbows, the ABCs Patricia Karvelas has made sure shes able to do her job today by arriving at work this morning ready to run like the wind. The popular Melbournese journalist spoke to The Advocate this []

The post Patricia Karvelas Arrives For Work Today Wearing Replica Of Cathy Freemans Iconic Running Suit appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:33

Two Men Accused Of Brisbane Siege Released On Bail Under Strict Conditions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news out of the river city of Brisbane, the names of the two men at the centre of yesterday afternoons siege have been released by Queensland Police. The pair sent the city into lockdown yesterday after they became engaged in a tense 6-hour standoff with police and allegedly fired shots []

The post Two Men Accused Of Brisbane Siege Released On Bail Under Strict Conditions appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:22

6 Christmas Gifts That Say I Love You Like The Liberal Party Loves Craig Kelly. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Shopping centres are about as busy as an Australian Prime Ministerial portrait painter this time of year. So shop online with The Shovel instead. Here are 5 fantastic gift ideas, and 1 crap one.

1. The 2018 Shovel Annual 

132 pages of in-depth satirical analysis.

 

2. Donald Trump Card

We have a new Christmas card and its tremendous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Shovel Annual 2017/18 Bundle 

Once youve got your head around what the hell happened in 2018, remind yourself of the farce that was 2017.

...

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Monday, 03 December

22:13

Morrison Government Fails To Win An AACTA Acting Award For Its Performance As A Government "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

morrison

The Morrison Government has left the AACTA awards empty handed after their attempt to act like a Government was labelled weak and unconvincing by critics.

The AACTA awards are all about acting and the craft and we have seen none of this from the Morrison Government, said an AACTA Spokesperson. I mean look at the Prime Minister, he went to the G20 last week and no one knew who he was.

He couldnt even convince Donald Trump that he was a leader. Have you seen Mr Trumps hair the greatest actor in the world is the hairdresser who convinces him that it looks good.

When asked his thoughts on failing to win an AACTA, Mr Morrison said: Who needs acting awards when I can make my own trophies. Did you see the one I made myself for stopping the boats?

I also have one that the kids made me saying Worlds Best Dad and one that Tony Abbott made me to commemorate the time that I  Slayed the Malcolm. So all you AACTA types take your awards and stick em.

Cause thats what Im going to do with your funding.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

In Sydney Dec 7th then come along and see our live show. To buy tickets go to: https://bit.ly/2AUaE5f

20:24

Opinion: Just Because Im Not Going to Your Show Doesnt Mean I Dont Want an Invite "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I woke up today and saw pictures from last night of your shitty band playing at a shitty venue in front of a small, shitty crowd. It looked like the absolute worst possible place to be and I feel deeply sympathetic for any of the poor souls who had the misfortune of attending. All of that was crystal clear from the photos alone. However, I am left with just one question: Where the fuck was my invite?

How hard is it to send a text or even just click invite all on your annoying Facebook event page?? You used to invite me to all your dumb shit! Your shitty band, your shitty comedy, your shitty wedding, your shitty kids shitty funeral- everything! What happened? I thought we were friends.

Is it due to technology? Is social media destroying our ability to make face to face connections? Im not asking for much. Just a little something that shows you care about me and want me to attend your special event. Ill even respond back with a resounding, no you dumb fuck Id rather die than see your improv troupe or whatever shitty thing youre practically begging me to come to.

Did I do something wrong? Did I post something too political and you unfollowed me? Did I make a joke at your expense last week at the bar? Whatever it was, Im really sorry and Ill do anything to repair our friendship, which I clearly value. Ill do anything- just please invite me to your next abortion of an event. Even if its an actual abortion!

I expect to receive an invite the next time your band plays. And in return you can expect me to see the notification, roll my eyes and laugh at the thought of lowering myself to attend, and ignore it forever. Sound good?

Hey, at least Im not the asshole commenting sorry cant make it, have fun! on your event. But I will be if I dont get my goddamn invite!!

The post Opinion: Just Because Im Not Going to Your Show Doesnt Mean I Dont Want an Invite appeared first on The Hard Times.

19:24

This dictionary perfectly trolled Donald Trump over his spelling of Scott Free "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump has been ranting on Twitter about his former lawyer Michael Cohen, who hes not been overly keen on since he pleaded guilty to taking part in negotiations with Russian officials during the 2016 election.

The detail need not bother us too much right now. What caught most peoples attention was the so-called presidents spelling, in particular his reference to Scott Free.

There was no shortage of wonderful replies.

...

18:45

Producer Hardly Using Those Twisty Knobs "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TOLEDO, Ohio Members of local punk band John Wayne Brady are growing concerned that the producer hired to record their debut album isnt using more of the twisty knobs at his disposal, the band confirmed today.

Yeah, they asked me why I wasnt fiddling with their settings more, said producer and owner of 1-2-3 Studios, Tracy Sands. But none of them could clarify what they wanted, beyond asking about the slidey guys, and how they could enhance things if I used them with the turny bits.

While recording had reportedly gone well to start the week, with the band initially thrilled by the studios accommodations, Sands alleged that John Wayne Brady wasnt fully prepared to spend time in a professional recording studio. They were pretty upset that, as they put it, not all of the plug-holes had yell wires coming out of them. But they didnt need any more microphones.

This place is impressive no one is debating that, said guitarist Shannon Summers. I cant believe theres a machine that makes it so we dont have to all play at once; I cant imagine how much that cost. But the only thing Ive actually seen him do back there is hit the start button, and talk into that cool mic that I hear in the booth, but also in my headphones. But not once did he touch that big fucking lever in the middle of the board. Im sure that thing probably does something awesome.

Ultimately, tensions boiled over when Sands entered the drum room to explain the concept of tuning to drummer Thomas Bradley.

Im in there, trying to help these guys sound halfway decent, and I look through the glass, and the dude is going nuts on the boards. He says he didnt touch anything, but cmon, said Sands. Now, everything sounds like shit and is only coming through one channel, and its 62 degrees in here, because apparently he thought the thermostat was a piece of audio equipment. These kids are dumber than I thought.

When reached for comment, John Wayne Brady said they couldnt wait to get to work on their next release. Rumors continue to circulate about the band eventually making their live debut.

The post Producer Hardly Using Those Twisty Knobs appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:13

Goodwill Now Taking Pre-Orders on Madden 2011 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

OWOSSO, Mich. A local Goodwill store has began taking pre-orders on an upcoming donation that includes an inordinate amount of copies of Madden 2011 expected to arrive sometime next week.

Guy called yesterday and asked if Id be interested in a box of Madden 11s they found, said Jake Portsmith, manager of the local Goodwill second hand store. Of course I assumed it was a prank call, but this guy swears hes got the goods. This could be the biggest thing since the Sam Goody across the strip mall went out of business and we raided their dumpster.

Portsmith encouraged interested customers to reserve their copy, as he said hes unable to guarantee an item in such high demand would remain on the shelves very long. He pointed to superstar quarterback Drew Brees gracing the front of the game as an example of its star power.

What what did you say to me? said Madden 2011 cover star Drew Brees at a press conference last Sunday, after leading his New Orleans Saints to a 30-20 victory over the Minnesota Vikings. A Goodwill in Michigan is getting a box full of old games? Who let you in here?

The game will retail for $4.99, possibly less depending on the color of sticker that reflects the weeks sale items. A $9.99 Special Edition will be available as well, which will reportedly include an obscure third party controller and the case for the game.

The post Goodwill Now Taking Pre-Orders on Madden 2011 appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:01

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama kick off 2020 campaign with Shakespeare on Broadway "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Now starring in major roles for Shakespeares Anthony and Cleopatra, Ms. Clinton and Mr. Obama have already started in with the 2020 presidential election. The performance is bringing widespread global attention, especially due to several "steamy...

16:00

Question Time audience requires Equity card "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Upon the discovery that the BBC has been padding out their audiences with paid actors, many theatrical agents are left wondering where their 10% is.  With pre-rehearsed lines, fake emotions and scathing reviews actors could be stealing a role intended for Theresa May.

The average Newsnight guest will now be expected to have done 2-3 years in repertory theatre and a stint as an extra on Hollyoaks.  Experienced Panto actors need not apply, as we already MPs for that.

The BBC admitted that they had  compromised their journalistic integrity but had significantly improved their dramatic output.  While Emily Maitlis may be discredited as an interviewer, she is now on track for a BAFTA.

One audience member responded: Darling, Id love to be in your hand picked right-wing audience.  Let me just get into role.  A Brexiteer you say? Whats my motivation?

15:45

Ska Waiter Would Like to Tell You About The Specials "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

DENVER 32-year-old ska fan and newest hire at Shimmys Diner Annie Mugg was delighted to have a family of diners ask her again about The Specials, hungry and confused sources confirmed.

My wife and kids just wanted a few recommendations on what to order, and this gal started going on about the 90s Two-Tone ska revival, explained grumpy patriarch Karl Berger. I just sort of tuned her out until she started cussing in front of my family saying skank this, and skankin that. My little angels shouldnt be exposed to that filth.

Nancy Purse, a regular at Shimmys who now asks to be seated at a table away from Mugg, claimed this was not an isolated incident.

When Annie first got hired, I wanted to know about the specials, because I like to try new things and I know theyve got great cooks. But instead, I got an oral history of some ska band I could care less about, said Purse. One of the last times I was in here, she came over and slipped me a mix CD with a note that read, A special mix of The Specials, for a special customer. I threw it away as soon as she turned her head.

Mugg has reportedly upset many tables due to her insistence on reciting facts about the bands lineup from 1993 to present day, and showing photos of herself with Jerry Dammers.

Its great that so many people in town care about ska, and know to ask me about The Specials, said Mugg. All this info, they pick it up, pick it up, pick it up and for some reason, leave after about 10 minutes, which is weird. I could talk about the Specials for hours, if it meant not having to ramble on about our stupid menu.

However, according to Shimmys Diner manager and now anti-ska activist Denny Gabriel, if Mugg doesnt start discussing the restaurants actual specials a.k.a. food shell be out of a job.

Our Yelp rating keeps dropping because of Annies bad customer service, said Gabriel. And she keeps suggesting ska-related puns for different menu items like a skankin pickle burger, a raspberry custard plug, or a less than chocolate cake. Ill be honest, I dont get the references, but they piss me off.

At press time, the Berger family were too hungry to leave, yet managed to order four glasses of milk and a dozen black-and-white cookies from Mugg, due to their ska color scheme.

The post Ska Waiter Would Like to Tell You About The Specials appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:40

This comparison of Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau explaining things says it all "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres a side by side comparison of Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau and Americas so-called president, Donald Trump.

You might be able to see whats coming but even if you can, the payoff is laugh out loud stuff because its just so brilliantly done.

Love it.

15:23

This Willy Wonka theory why Violet not Charlie should have won the chocolate factory went viral because its just so good "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Chances are over the next few weeks youre going to end up watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (lets hope, for your sake, its not the Johnny Depp one).

And if you do or even if you dont this thread will give you something to think about, a detailed, passionate and beautifully argued piece that says Violet, not Charlie, should have won the chocolate factory.

The theory, originally the work of someone called Evayna on Tumblr, has been gobbled up on Twitter, shared no fewer than 50,000 times as we write this.

See what you make of it yourself.

...

14:29

President Trump Christmas Album Out Thursday "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

US President Donald Trump has, this morning, revealed in a tweet that he is to break into the music industry "with a purpose" by releasing a Christmas album that is available from Thursday. The album features various Trump speeches recorded over t...

13:00

Those who choose the middle urinal also choose the middle lane of motorway "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sales Manager, Nick Ferguson, who inexplicably forces fellow toilet users to stand as close to him as possible while they urinate, also enjoys forcing people to drive round him as he hogs the road at less than 50 mph with no traffic ahead.

I choose the middle lane of the motorway because I like to imagine crowds lined either side of me in the inside and outside lanes salivating over my BMW 5 Series and chanting my name,  he said.  And also because I enjoy being awkward.

At the urinal I always choose the middle one so people have no choice but to stand next to me.  Occasionally I lean forward, rest my palm flat against the wall theatrically and breathe in and out unnecessarily loudly.

Its a power thing that confirms I have restricted your options and therefore influenced your life in a very small way simply because I can . And also because I enjoy being awkward.

Behold for I am the king of the public lavatory and public highway.

12:33

This real life Home Alone situation is way scarier than the film ever was 8 five-star reviews "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TikTok is an app that allows users to film and stream short clips. When one young boy shared on TikTok what was going on in his house while he was home alone, the result was frankly terrifying.

He sounds really scared as he runs away, so we dont think hes pranking us, but its quite probably a family member pranking him. When Trilscrappy King posted it on Facebook, it really got people talking.

Twitter user @Trillustrator had this to say about it:

The tweet instantly went viral, with over 130,000 retweets already, as well as nearly five million views.
Some appreciative comments include these 8.
1.

11:50

This old Gavin & Stacey clip is really getting people in the Christmas spirit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This old Gavin and Stacey clip is going viral all over again well, we say again, were not sure it did too much first time round because its getting people in the Christmas spirit.

Its been eight years since the last new episode of Gavin & Stacey aired on New Years Day, 2010, and 10 years since the last Christmas special.

And it would appear theres no lack of appetite for another one.

Source

The post This old Gavin & Stacey clip i...

11:30

This babys first taste of snow went viral because it was a truly magical moment "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A dad shared this babys first experience of snow because its a truly magical moment.

Its in Canada, apparently, if that helps explain anything.

Most people thought it was hilarious, some people were horrified, and a whole bunch of people (like us) who were a little bit of both. Here are the funniest responses.

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11:10

The UN refused to recognise Katie Hopkins as a journalist 15 gleeful burns "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Katie Hopkins isnt happy no change there then, you might think but the cause of her ire is more interesting than most.

The former Mail Online columnist turned whatever it is she does now applied for accreditation to attend a United Nations event and, well, this is what happened.

This is what Hopkins made of it.

11:08

Jameela Jamil showing us the truth behind diet products is brilliant but oh so very gross "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Actress and model Jameela Jamil is one of the most vociferous supporters of body positivity in the public eye, often sharing posts debunking stereotypes and misconceptions about physical and mental health. On one occasion, she slammed the Kardashian family and other celebrities for promoting laxative tea for weight-loss and in this short sketch, she highlights the truth behind the outrageous claims made about similar products.



...

11:00

NHS proudly unveils new type 3 diabetes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Dr Francesco Mosley, head of non-infectious diseases at the NHS was clearly enormously proud of their new product. Most people have an image of diabetes, associating it with weedy kids with arms like Amy Winehouse, or enormous fatties. But were here to say that now, the New Diabetes can be for you too!

David Mumford, from South London, is a regular diabetes user and is very excited about the new version. I cant wait! I hear you have to inject insulin into the center of a Creme Egg while its actually moving down your throat. Thats so hardcore. Bring it on!

But Dr Mosley warns that type 3 diabetes may not be for everyone. Apparently, if you live too much of a healthy lifestyle, exercise a bit and eat the occasional vegetable, you may not be able to use this new version. But data on this is sketchy at the moment, as the the official NHS trials were done in Scotland.

10:47

This Mariah Carey fan campaign means something different in the UK. Very different "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mariah Careys fans have been mobilising behind a campaign to get the soundtrack to her pisspoor 2001 movie, Glitter, to the top of the charts.

And its been so successful that it went to number one in the US thanks to doing things like this on Twitter.

Except, well, #JusticeforGlitter means something very different in the UK than it does in the US.

...

10:08

This baby-burping machine has gone viral because of a hilarious design flaw "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Any parent will tell you that getting a baby to give up the wind after having a feed is far from an exact science. However, science has decided to step in and lend a helping hand with this device for burping babies, but we think it may need tweaking a little.

Heres the longer version, complete with the thoughts behind creating the machine.

When Twitter user, @hochalicious shared the Useless Duck Companys comic invention on Twitter, the clip went viral, with more than 70,000 retweets in a week, and many more comments about the crazy contraption.

...

10:00

Choose the best Brexit Deal comparison site "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Possible candidates include

MoneySuperCommonMarket

GoStayGoStayGoCompare

Compare The Common Market

uSwitchIfYouWantTo

and of course

UtterlyConfused.com

08:56

The Royal Mail got a birthday card addressed to Heaven what they did will give you all the feels "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its hard enough for adults to cope with losing someone they love, but it can be a lot harder for children, especially on special days like Christmas or birthdays when they miss those people even more. When one 7-year-old boys departed dads birthday was approaching, he still wanted to send him a birthday card, so he did. To make sure the card got to Heaven, he wrote this:

In case thats hard to see, it says

Mr Postman
Can you take this to heaven for my dads birthday
Thanks

His mum, Teri Crosland, shared the picture on Facebook, along with an update. It seems that the lovely people who work at the Royal Mail had dealt with the letter in the most sensitive and thoughtful way possible.

Now thats what we call going above and beyond.

The post has been shared more than 10k shares on Facebook and was copied onto Twitter where it also got more than 11k retweets in both places, its really giving people all the feels.

...

08:20

The incidental detail in Claire Rayners 70s sex ed book is weird and very funny "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Anyone of a certain age will remember late, great agony aunt Claire Rayners Body Book from the late 1970s.

Just in case you dont, or you need a refresher, someone posted this on Twitter.

Her son, restaurant critic Jay, was among those who shared it.

And while there was plenty to read and enjoy

it wasnt the copy that got people talking. It was one of the pictures, in particular a little bit of background detail that you might have missed on first glance.

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08:00

Doctor Whos Police Box changes into Goggle Box "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We can exclusively reveal that, in the Doctor Who New Years Day Special episode, the Doctor will temporarily fix the TARDISs chameleon circuit causing the TARDIS to change from a Police Box into a Goggle Box.  In a logical progression from many of the episodes of the most recent series, where the Doctor and her companions are rarely in danger and are merely observing and talking about what happens, there will now be a special viewing area within the TARDIS enabling them to just sit, observe and comment whats going on outside.  Ryan will of course mention that sitting around watching TV is not good for his dyspraxia, but the Doctor reminds him that she has booked a hospital appointment for him on Thursday in the year 3020 to get it fixed.

Chris Chibnall, the series show runner, explains the reasons they are changing the Police-box into a Goggle-box:  It is partly that, with four leading actors, it is very difficult to give all of them something to do in each episode.  The solution, we realised, was to give all of them nothing to do in each episode except talk.  It seemed so obvious once wed thought of it and how can our viewers not identify with characters sitting around watching TV. Its a shame we didnt think of it before filming for Jodies first series started. The crew will now sit in a comfy, circular sofa, which replaces the main console, watching a hologram of whats happening outside the TARDIS and can now comment on why what is happening in that area of space and time is so awful without any fear of getting into danger or altering the timeline.

Whilst the success of the Doctor Who format is that it is able to tell stories from anywhere or any-when, the flaw in the format was that the writers had to somehow incorporate the Doctor and companions into the story.  It will be much simpler for the writers to dig out their dream project and get it made for TV now they dont have to write in the Doctor which, for some episodes, took the writers as much as ten minutes to do.

07:54

This is what happens when you put yourself through the Christmas tree machine "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The real magic of Christmas isnt anything to do with waking up on Christmas Day. Well, not entirely. Its also that moment when you finally choose a tree and you watch someone stick it through the Christmas tree machine.

Dont pretend, like this chap called Dan, that youve never wondered what it would be like to go through the machine yourself. But now you need imagine no longer.

Because Dan did this.

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07:18

Kidnappers Girlfriend Tired Of Having Her Magazines Cut Up For Ransom Letters "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT After years of silent compliance Susanne,* girlfriend of career kidnapper Brody,* has stated she is tired of having her magazines cut up and used for ransom letters. Throughout their four year relationship, Susanne has enjoyed certain aspects of being the partner of a career kidnapper but has struggled in silence with others. I []

The post Kidnappers Girlfriend Tired Of Having Her Magazines Cut Up For Ransom Letters appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:31

Curious Man Wonders How Perennially-Empty Travel Agency In Local Strip Mall Stays Afloat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular local thinking man has been bamboozled by a Betoota Heights travel agency this afternoon because despite never seeing anybody in it ever, it still manages to remain open. When hes not enjoying a fine prepackaged lasagne with friends in his rented one-bedroom apartment, Kane Mooch applies his []

The post Curious Man Wonders How Perennially-Empty Travel Agency In Local Strip Mall Stays Afloat appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:04

Court Finds That Chris Gayle Adequately Covered Middle Stump "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Fairfax media has today had to come clean that they may have reported bullshit after being found guilty of defaming Jamaican cricket legend Chris Gayle. The international batsman has been awarded $300,000 in damages for being defamed in articles that claimed he whipped it out in front of female massage therapist in []

The post Court Finds That Chris Gayle Adequately Covered Middle Stump appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:06

Turnbull Finally Allowed To Put Solar Panels On His Roof After Being Cut Loose By Liberals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has today gleefully climbed on top of the roof of his Point Piper harbourside mansion, after finally getting the sign-off to take part in renewable energy conspiracies. This comes after the expiry of his non-compete contract with the Liberal Party. It is believed Turnbull spent the afternoon []

The post Turnbull Finally Allowed To Put Solar Panels On His Roof After Being Cut Loose By Liberals appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:40

Rabbitohs Players Confused After Darius Boyd Turns Up At Training Unannounced "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Darius Boyd has caused even more confusion at the South Sydney Rabbitohs organisation today. After the resolution of an extremely poorly managed and confusing coaching situation (which saw Wayne Bennett and Anthony Siebold finally do the coach swap), the Brisbane contracted Darius Boyd has further muddied the waters. The Broncos fullback and apple []

The post Rabbitohs Players Confused After Darius Boyd Turns Up At Training Unannounced appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:10

Unsupervised Boomer Finds Himself Watching SBS Food Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Grove father-of-four has been left to his own devices this morning, something that the sexagenarian relishes and enjoys. Colin Dollarhyde is using the lack of spousal supervision to his advantage, he says, by sitting himself down on his new Koala lounge in front of the idiot box. In []

The post Unsupervised Boomer Finds Himself Watching SBS Food Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:48

Phone Addiction Realised After Attempt To Set Alarm Results In 30 Minute Social Media Scroll "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local woman Alyshia Stephenson has just come to after losing 30 minutes of her life down a social media black hole. Dazed and confused, Alyshia sat there wondering what the hell happened. I just went on there [my phone] to set an alarm, she said. Then I came to and 30 minutes had []

The post Phone Addiction Realised After Attempt To Set Alarm Results In 30 Minute Social Media Scroll appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:01

Dick Van Dyke owning Piers Morgan is the burn we all need to see right now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If theres one thing we all enjoy, its seeing Piers Morgan get put in his place. In the past, hes suffered brutal takedowns courtesy of Ariana Grande, Dan Walker and Gary Lineker, so he must be used to it, but his latest public humiliation was a little different.

In an attempt to be funny, the Good Morning Britain host tweeted this comment about legendary actor Dick Van Dykes name.

Piers Morgan should have known that nobody gets to throw shade at Dick Van Dyke and get away with it if he didnt know before, he definitely does now.


Not only did we have the pleasure of seeing Piers Morgan get totally owned by a 92-year-old, but Dick Van Dyke didnt even need to use words to do it, just one perfect screenshot from his hit series Diagnosis Murder.

Twitter user Simon Pegg not that one summed up the situation with this succinct comment.

Diagnosis: Murder by burning.

Twitter being what it is, there were more burns heading his way.

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00:42

Heartland Institute Researcher Declares Fifth "New Ice Age" Onset in Last Twenty Years "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington - After studying worldwide temperature data from late 2016 until early 2018, Dr. Sy D. Nial of the Heartland Institute, a think tank funded by Exxon and the Clean Beautiful Coal Institute of America, as well as the Koch, Murdoch and Merce...

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Sunday, 02 December

22:21

Craig Kelly To Switch Jobs With Wayne Bennett And Coach the Broncos "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Craigg Kelly

In an effort to quell the furor over the pre-selection of conservative firebrand Craig Kelly for the upcoming election, Primer Minister Scott Morrison has done a deal that will land Kelly at the Broncos and Bennett as the Liberal candidate for the seat of Hughes.

Its a win, win situation, said Prime Minister Morrison. Wayne Bennett has worn out his welcome in Brisbane and Craig is a bit on the nose in Canberra so why not swap them?

I mean it works well on that show Wife Swap so why wont it work here. We could call it dickhead swap.

When asked how he feels Mr Kelly will go as Coach of an NRL team given his lack of experience with the game, the Prime Minister replied: Well Craig had no idea about politics and look how well that went so whats the worst that could happen at the Broncos.

Do they still kick teams out of the league?

The Prime Minister was also rather optimistic about NRL Coach Wayne Bennetts chances in parliament, saying: You would not find a more personable bloke than Wayne to run for parliament. Should he win I see big things ahead for him.

Hed be great as a Government spokesperson dealing with the press.

Mark Williamson 

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21:13

SNL: Trump Indictees Give New Meaning to Old Songs "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Appearing on Saturday Night Live, three former aides to President Donald Trump, all recently indicted by special prosecutor Robert Mueller, gave a funny if not professional performance with a medley of old songs containing very appropriate lyrics, sl...

20:28

This tale of petty revenge will be enjoyed by anyone whos ever had a noisy neighbour "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Anyone whos ever had a noisy neighbour thats everyone, right? will enjoy this tale of petty revenge shared by someone called DarklyNear on the petty revenge page on Reddit.

When his neighbours had their second massive party in three months, he decided it was time to take some action.

Nothing too drastic, we hasten to add. Just a bit petty and hugely, beautifully satisfying.

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18:25

Putin Wants Russian Military Recalled Home Before Nibiru Arrival in 2021 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Russian President Vladimir Putin said he aims to recall all military assets currently stationed in foreign countries before Nibiru reaches perigee in early 2021.  He spoke on Tuesday at a clandestine meeting at the Ministry of Defense, telling senior staff and top military brass that Russias fighting forces must defend the motherland and its people rather than protect friendly nations that have failed to develop their own Nibiru survival plans.

According to our MoD source, Putins plan is fraught with obstacles; several Russian officials, particularly  Chief of the General Staff of the Armed Forces of Russia Valery Vasilyevich Gerasimov, have denied Nibiru exists and want Putin to focus on expanding Russias political and military influence across the globe. Gerasimov argued that Nibiru is a western concoction, essentially a trick, to delude Putin into believing an imaginary threat from the stars poses a greater threat than Europes never-ending desire to contain, isolate, and bankrupt Russia. Withdrawing Russian assets from Armenia, Belarus, Georgia, Syria, and other nations might compel them assistance elsewhere, Garasimov said.

But the ever stoic Putin silenced him. He said the MoD did not possess all the facts, that Nibirus arrival was a God-given certainty. He had risked his personal reputation and his presidency on preparation for the unthinkable. Putin said Russias vast subterranean survival complexes in the Ural Mountains, which can allegedly house tens of millions for five years, were designed to survive the Nibiru apocalypse, not a full-scale nuclear exchange with the west.  Russias cutting-edge weapons such as hypersonic missiles and direct energy weapons, he added, were created to obliterate incoming asteroids and meteorites from the Nibiru system.

Putin told them its ridiculous to leave troops abroad, where they are more likely to die and less likely to be in a position to protect fellow Russians from the Nibiru disaster....

17:55

Missile Command Reboot Lets Players Sell Leftover Missiles to Saudi Arabia "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

SUNNYVALE, Calif.  Retro gamers applauded the surprise announcement of a modern, realistic reboot of Ataris Missile Command series that ties the games to a controversial Ally in the Middle East.

Modern gamers want modern realism. Thats why, with our new Missile Command, were introducing them to the economic realities of Raytheon and Lockheed Martin arming genocidal conflicts around the world, said the Atari press release.

The reboot promises to recapture the fast-paced precision missile-on-missile arcade gameplay of the original, with the added feature of letting players sell unused munitions to the Saudi regime for a hefty profit.

The gameplay follows the challenges of the arcade classic, the press release continued. How many missiles can you shoot down? How many cities will you save? How many MIM-23 and MIM-104 Patriot systems can you auction off to Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman Al Saud so that he may protect his kingdom from Houthi forces? How many of your sold missiles will be used on civilian weddings and school busses? Find out this summer!

While the reception has generally been positive, some disagree with the series new direction.

I play games to escape politics, said Reddit user ArcadeBoy241. New graphics would have been enough.

Asked about the criticism, lead designer Grant Columbus said, this new game is actually in line with the true-to-life realism intended by the original. [Atari] wanted to have this feature in the 1980s but we just didnt have the RAM back then. That said, we are including some more fantastical options.

Among the added options is an unlockable What If Hillary Won? mode, allowing players to reprimand Saudi Arabia for its role in the 9-11 terrorist attacks and the extrajudicial murder of dissident journalists before still selling them the missiles.

Looking to the future, Missile Command may be the first in a vibrant return of other realistic arcade classics. Rumors are already circulating of a new Tetris based on Russian foreign policy, where players use their blocks to build walls around Syria, entrenching the Assad regime.

The post Missile Command Reboot Lets Players Sell Leftover Missiles to Saudi Arabia appeared first on The Hard T...

17:50

The Discord Would Like To Apologize For The Following Discord Apology "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Many of our readers are wondering how this website has gone from bad to worse over the years. I, as CEO, blame the inability of our marketing committee to raise enough funding for a functional Donate Button. Next step, the creation of a Go Fund Me Page to raise the money to create an on-site Donation Button. More to come on that

16:09

Stephen Frys made a video busting the myths behind Brexit and he totally nails it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The great Stephen Fry has made a video called Brexit, facts vs fear and it went viral because he absolutely nails it.

He busts a whole bunch of myths behind the argument for Brexit, taking in Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Donald Trump and more stats than you can shake a referendum at.

This is the story of how a mythical EU dragon was conjured up and the striking truth behind it all.

A trick of forced perspective put fear in the way of facts.

Its well worth 11 minutes of your time.

Heres how he introduced it on Twitter.

And some of the responses it generated.

15:45

Stagehand Really Going to Town on Flashlight in Mouth "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BUFFALO Local stagehand Verne Smalls took things a little too far last night with the flashlight he held in his mouth while assisting with musical equipment, horrified sources confirmed.

This was a clinic in mouth dexterity, said showgoer and witness Terry Hamilton. Ive seen roadies hold a flashlight in their mouth before, but Ive never seen one grip it so tightly with his lips and certainly never with such an active tongue.

Venue manager Brent Duncan was allegedly unaware of Smalls method of illuminating dark stages.

He was just adamant in the job interview that he had excellent attention to detail and lots of experience, Duncan said. Of course, he didnt mention that it totally looks like hes going down on the flashlight while hes working. Were an all-ages venue, and Ive had a lot of parents complaining all day today. Theres even a rumor a Christian group is boycotting us.

Bartender Cara Prescott confirmed accounts of Smalls workmanship.

It was still sort of light out when he first set up, so he only had a modest pen light for assisting with the opening bands equipment, said Prescott. But after sundown, he upgraded to a much girthier D-cell flashlight after the second band, and then an impressive 12-inch Maglite unit after the third.

During setup for the encore, Smalls reportedly held multiple telescopic flashlights in his mouth at once in what one attendee called an H.R. Giger-type nightmare.

I was puzzled. I was scared. But I was definitely impressed I couldnt turn away, said Marc Foster, guitarist for headlining act The Pinecones. I was so transfixed, I knocked over the keyboard when walked back out on stage.

Watching him work brought up a lot of feelings, Foster later admitted. I think, later tonight, I might need to have a serious talk with my girlfriend.

For his part, Smalls who thinks that head strap lights look silly claimed there is nothing sexual about his flashlight holding technique.

Look, if I could unhinge my jaw and hold one of those battery-powered lantern flashlights, I would, said Smalls. And right now I cant but with enough practice, Ill be able to do it someday.

At press time, Smalls was seen coiling cables in a fashion described as pornographic.

The post Stagehand Really Going to Town on Flashlight in Mouth appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:22

Watch UKIPs new advisor on Immigration and Employment "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Ok, perhaps not, but top work from @Saffiya_Khan1 all the same

The post Watch UKIPs new advisor on Immigration and Employment appeared first on The Poke.

14:43

Mate Tea Bag Thrown At President Trump At G20 Summit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was controversy in Buenos Aires this evening, when delegates leaving the G20 Summit were surprised by a protestor who threw a mate tea bag at US President, Donald Trump, hitting him on the forehead. Police moved in, and a woman was led away...

13:32

G20 Summit Hears That Global Warming Is Good News For Marine Animals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Delegates at the G20 summit in Buenos Aires watched and listened in a hypnotized silence this afternoon, as they were informed by a mystery speaker that, contrary to popular opinion, Global Warming is actually a good thing - for all the creatures tha...

13:00

3.1% hike in rail fares delayed because of wrong kind of leaves "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just hours after confirming a 3.1% increase in next years train fares to a less than happy public, industry body, The Rail Delivery Group, has announced that the implementation of the new price structure will be have to be delayed.

Spokesman, Neville Miller said: Because of this years prolonged and exceptionally hot summer, the UKs autumnal leaf-dropping cycle has been adversely affected. As a result we are fighting an abnormal build-up of the wrong kind of leaves which have now settled on the roof of the computer centre which controls pricing. Their more brittle texture, as they are drier than normal, is somehow jamming the Internet, you see.

However we have deployed a team of engineers to rectify the situation with the necessary work due to be completed by December 12th, that is so long as the operation doesnt overrun.

12:53

Jamal Khashoggi Officially Forgotten About "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Jamal Khashoggi, the murdered dissident journalist who was so savagely slain in the Saudi Arabian consulate in Istanbul on 2 October, has been officially forgotten about, it can be revealed. Khashoggi, who had only gone to the consulate to get som...

11:27

13 brutal takedowns of Arron Banks after he mocked JK Rowling for having a writing room "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You may already know that JK Rowling is a staunch critic of Brexit and one of many people backing the idea of a Peoples Vote on the deal to leave the European Union.

And one of her recent rants on the subject prompted a response from Nigel Farages buddy Arron Banks, the co-founder of Leave.EU who is facing a criminal investigation over his unofficial Brexit campaign.

And this is what Banks had to say.

...

11:00

Mariah Carey finally wants something decent for Christmas "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After spending years telling people how she didnt want much for Christmas, Mariah Carey, has finally admitted she actually does give a f**k about whats under her Christmas tree.

The American singer explained how she intended to have an extra large stocking hung upon her fireplace this year to make up for getting sod all for the past couple of decades since releasing her 1994 Christmas hit All I Want for Christmas Is You.

The cheap bastard men Ive dated over the years all took the words of the song literally, said Mariah. There Id be Christmas morning all excited. Id usually give them their present to unwrap first and then my man would tell me how he had gotten me my wish, before explaining how he was giving the gift of himself with a cheesy grin slapped across his face, which was there probably due to the fact that it hadnt cost him a penny.

I should have spoken out earlier about what I really wanted for Christmas. You know, like, expensive jewellery, perfume, a waffle-maker, bubble bath, fancy bluetooth speakers, personalised bath towels, chocolates in fact I could probably name a hundred things I would have rather had than you but I just used to put on a fake smile and pretend to be all happy, you know the kind of thing you do when you open your secret Santa from work.

One guy I dated wrapped himself up on Christmas Eve and spent the entire night under the Christmas tree and once again on Christmas Day Id have to pretend to be all ecstatic and overjoyed at the gift of him.

NaffLaff

10:25

Live Updated Pictures Of Liberal Partys Broad Church "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

broad church

The Liberal Partys famous broad church is actually an 8 square metre chapel on the side of a highway near Toowoomba, it has been revealed.

The building has enough room for four people six if standing is allowed, which its not.

A spokesperson said the chapel incorporated a range of views, although now that all four windows have been boarded up, those views were limited to a small crack in the wall in a corner of the building.

The spokesperson said that everyone was welcome at the chapel, unless they held conventional views, in which case they would be relentlessly bullied until they left.

Buy The 2018 Shovel Annual this Christmas 

Shovel Annual 2018

The 2018 Shovel Annual

09:57

Donald Trump wandering off stage at the G20 is like a 30-second movie of his entire presidency "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This is the most entertainment you can have watching someone walk off stage.

Its Donald Trump at the G20 summit momentarily forgetting what he was supposed to be doing (maybe delete the momentarily bit), walking off stage and leaving Argentinian president Mauricio Macri all alone.

Our favourite bit is the guy running on stage after him to go and get him.

It reminded us of the time he did this on the runway on the way to his limousine after disembarking Air Force One.

...

09:41

Someone took this racist graffiti and made something positive out of it and people love it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone called Chris Walker spotted some racist graffiti in his neck of the woods and thought hed do something about it.

And this is what he did.

Chriss handiwork went viral and here are just a few of the responses it generated.

06:00

Opinion: I Should Have Left My Coat in the Car "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I dont always think things through. When I made the decision to attend this show at a tiny, overcrowded venue with no ventilation I thought to myself, Its chilly outside and my car takes a minute to warm up so I better grab my coat. So after parking seven blocks away I was left with a crucial decision: be cold on my walk, or carry a jacket all night.

If only I could go back and tell the younger me to leave the jacket in the car. Oh my God Im sweating my balls off. This venue is known to have an unsavory clientele so stashing the jacket under a chair is a sure fire way for me to lose the one piece of outerwear I actually own. I tried taking it off and draping it over my arm for a few songs, but holding something that acts as padding is the mosh pit equivalent to wearing water wings.

So here I sit, the sweatiest man in America, knowing I could have avoided this whole ordeal if I was smart enough to realize that the combined body temperatures of 37 rabid moshers would raise the temperature in the room to something comparable to the surface of Mercury.

No amount of water intake can help my rapidly pruning internal organs. Its like being stuck in an industrial oven made of body odor and spilled beer. This is not my first rodeo though- I knew this venue didnt allow reentry, and Ill be damned if I have to donate another five canned goods to get back in. I hope when I burst into flames I take this entire venue down to hell with me. Its probably cooler down there anyway.

Either way, all I know is a three dollar coat check is a total rip off so thats not an option.

The post Opinion: I Should Have Left My Coat in the Car appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:55

TV Brexit debate to feature eating of kangaroos penises "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced she has made an historic deal with ITV to screen the forthcoming EU debate, with only minimal concessions to the eating of kangaroos penises by speakers during the show. The PM, who until recently opposed the consuming of penises during political interviews, described the proposed debate, in which the main party leaders will answer a series of no-holds-barred questions from an assembled audience while Declan Donnelly stuffs scorpions in their mouth, as the best possible deal.

ITV-sceptics from Mrs Mays own party have not been won over by the move, insisting that a tougher line with the TV bosses would have easily secured Robert Peston gently probing guests on EU matters while holding a basket of kittens. However, media watchers have commented that there was never really any chance of the channel softening its line on the mandatory use of Ant and Dec on the basis that other shows would also demand exemption from the Geordie duo, leading to chaos across the TV schedules.

On the Labour side, Jeremy Corbyn has expressed his enthusiasm for the debate, announcing he will stamp on or ingest any number of indigenous animals at any time or place in order to oppose austerity, though critics have highlighted his earlier claim that I will never support the stamping on or ingesting of any indigenous animals during jungle-based political debates from before when he became party leader. Labour itself denies being split on the issue, with its official position that such a debate must include six tests, five of which involve being attacked by ants.

Other commentators have opposed the proposals narrow format, claiming that the British people deserve to hear speakers from across the political spectrum representing the full breadth of EU opinion while standing in tanks of small crocodiles. However, Cabinet ministers have argued that while not everyone got what they wanted, the public should focus on the positive, and that the most important thing for the people of Britain was achieving an end to the free movement of Ant McPartlin.

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Saturday, 01 December

22:55

Donald Trump Calls George HW Bushs Family, To Say How Lucky America Is To Have Donald Trump As President "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Trump Bush

Donald Trump has made a personal call to those closest to the late George HW Bush, saying he was without doubt the best president this nation has ever seen.

A wonderful, intelligent, amazing president. Really incredible. The best ever, Mr Trump told the family, adding that he would rank George HW Bush as probably eight or ninth best.

During the ten-minute call with Bushs family, Mr Trump said he gave so much to his country, and will continue to give more over the next two years as president.

What a guy. Hes a credit to his country, Mr Trump said.

22:51

NASA's Secret Mission to Send Man to Jupiter Failed Miserably "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With NASA's recent success of landing a spacecraft on Mars, administrator Jonathan Briggs felt it was time to confess that NASA had also tried to send a man to the planet Jupiter. Mike Burlington, a science teacher at Bridgeway Elementary Schoo...

20:47

Grandma stuck in chimney calls 911 from cell phone "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

At first, they thought it was just another seasonal prank call... they had to check it out anyway...that's how they roll. "We get a lot of calls this time of year from residents that have fallen from their roofs while putting up Christmas lights,...

20:31

Trump bromance with Putin hits the skids "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In Argentina for the annual G-20 conference, Mr. Trump is reported avoiding Mr. Putin after cancelling any official meeting between them. Analysts probing this response remind that in the 2016 campaign Mr. Trump had been enthusiastic about Mr. Put...

19:04

Four Things We Want to See in Gamergate 2 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

2014 was a great year for gamers of every genre. If you were into card games, Hearthstone came out and dominated the market. Were you more interested in a return to gamings more hardcore roots? Dark Souls 2 satiated your needs. However, if MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Red Pill Games) were more your speed. Then, of course, you were definitely playing lots of Gamergate when it came out.

Being free to play and capable of running on social media apps like Reddit and Twitter, this game quickly picked up a huge and dedicated audience. So it is a bit surprising we havent heard about a sequel to this instant gaming classic. So here is a list of features we hope to see in Gamergate 2.

1) Improved Character Diversity

 

 

The first Gamergate provided a lot of memorable enemies for the player to attack in its dynamic multiplayer combat, but unfortunately most of those were white women. In 2018, there is no excuse for not having more people of color in your game, so hopefully in the sequel we see more Black, Asian or even Transgender women characters that players can send death threats to.

2) Increased FPS (Females Per Staff)

Gamers increasingly expect FPS increases in their games and Gamergate 2 should not be an exception. A higher FPS would really allow more choices for the player on who to attach for being a bitch, fat or both. The original Gamergate suffered from repetition due to its low FPS but there are no excuses now with more women joining the game industry.

3) Improved Dialogue Options

4) Enhanced Rage Mechanic

In the first Gamergate, once a player reached maximum rage, unleashing it on a enemy required googling their home address, calling 911, making up a story about a hostage situation and hoping the NPCs did their job right. Assuming Gamergate 2 is set in the present day, it would be fun to see those options expand. Maybe in the new game, play...

18:26

Redskins subvert local laws by becoming a federally recognized Native American tribe "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The NFL is finding it increasingly difficult to purge itself of domestic abuse perpetrators after the Redskins became a federally recognized Native American tribe under the U.S. Bureau of Indian affairs. The current land designated to the Redskins i...

15:45

Study Finds 90 Percent of New Songs Just a Little Something Ive Been Working On, No Big Deal "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. Researchers at Harvard University have concluded that 90 percent of new songs are not attempts at a legitimate musical work, but actually just a little something their writers have been working on, which is typically no big deal.

We began by studying 1,000 different band practices, and noticed a pattern immediately, explained head researcher Leah Clayton, pointing to a line graph detailing the timing and duration of each attempt. At some point during a practice, a member of the band usually the drummer would pick up a guitar during a break and play a short riff, which was often followed by an unaccompanied guitar solo.

The other members would then typically ask something along the lines of, Hey, whats that? At which point, the songwriter will usually blush, and respond with something like, Oh, its nothing just, like, a little thing Ive been kicking around, you know, Clayton added.

Clayton and her team of researchers were fascinated by this effect.

We watched a man casually play a 40-minute song on the guitar, complete with seven verses, nine choruses, a bridge, two breakdowns, a tempo shift, and four guitar solos, Dr. Amy OLillian recounted. He then set the guitar back down and claimed it was just something I kinda made up, haha! It still baffles us that musicians are somewhat embarrassed about writing music.

A study participant and bassist, who wished to remain anonymous for personal safety reasons, attempted to explain the phenomenon.

Writing songs is, if youre not the frontman or the guitarist, kinda lame, said the bassist. Ive written four albums, but theyve only seen the light of day as just some things I kinda came up with, sorta. I dont wanna give these guys the idea that Ive worked hard on anything. Besides, bands have structure. Im not trying to Ringo this shit.

Ronnie Lubowitz, a musical historian at Harvard and fellow researcher, claimed that the phenomenon has manifested itself many times over the course of musical history.

Its not uncommon for musicians to conceal the fact that they write music, said Lubowitz. This practice actually dates back to the early middle ages recently unearthed relics of the Catholic church included multiple Gregorian chants entitled, I dunno, just, like, something I kinda started fiddling with, I guess.

At press time, Clayton claimed the study itself was to be taken with a grain of salt, as it was just something I kinda whipped up for myself not, like, a real piece for publication or anything.

The post...

15:15

Snowcrash in 2018: A hopelessly optimistic dystopia "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Neal Stephensons breakout post-cyberpunk novel, Snowcrash, injected a heaping dose of realistic hard science fiction to slap down the more fanciful mind-uploading cyberpunk worlds of vague geometric data. Instead, Stephenson imagined a video-game like Metaverse very much like many virtual worlds and massively-online games that exist today.

Didnt anybody tell you that I was a hacker? Hiro tells an opponent after hacking him to pieces in an online sword fight. In 1992, this didnt mean that he was a cheater, it just meant that he was a skilled computer programmer.

Snowcrash Gargoyles are nerds who wear bulky computers on their body, too immersed in an augmented reality to carry on a decent conversation. Today, high powered pocket computers, smartphones, make nearly everyone a gargoyle.

Time has revealed this seemingly cynical novels boundless optimism, and its not just a handful of small jetpack moments like these. Stephensons antagonist, L. Bob Rife, is the stereotypical bad guy depicted by Silicon Valley monopolists even today. His plot to control the technological priesthood through ancient religion is foiled by Hiros swashbuckling antics. But the telecoms who handle the internets hardware arent controlling anybodys minds or forming vast unaccountable monopolies that have any influence except over the bottom line at YouTube and Netflix. This is, in fact, the same antagonist that Silicon Valley has forced onto the world through so-called Net Neutrality campaigns even as their libertarian-individualist-disruptive monopolies usher in a disturbing and terrible age of right wing mind-control that makes the mind-control dystopia of Snowcrash look like the Hundred Acre Wood. The hacker elites are not the target of mind-control. If only. They are the hapless and often red-handed purveyors of fake news propaganda, anti-semitism, and other horrors out of last century, rather than ancient Sumeria.

Hiro Protagonist works for the CIC, a privatized CIA, which pays good money to internet users for uploading videos and other content. If only neoliberalization ate the military intelligence institutions and turned them into some entertainment apparatus like YouTube, except with fair pay! The one important thing Snowdens revelations have shown the public is how privatized military intelligence is only opening up possibility for more and more abuses. In Snowcrash, the relics of the US government are depicted as the bad guys, colluding with the unregulated mind-controlling L. Bob Rife. It is more than a bit curious that one of L. Bob Rifes central missions is importing vicious criminal refugees to the US, and chief among them is a Native American sexual predator.

While still a bit edgier and more fun than its...

13:53

Uncle Sam is Nutmegs $$$$ Party Pooper "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Enforcers at the IRS foreign scams division have whacked Harrys self-styled Princess Nutmeg with a $25m tax bill following a valuation of freebies milked from the British state. The move means the US Z-Lister actress...

13:00

Pheasants thick "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Pheasants are as thick as pigshit, it has emerged.

According to ornithologists, most wild birds belie the term bird brain with their phenomenal powers of migration and searching for food, but pheasants just twat about the fields pecking aimlessly at grain before running into country lanes, then flapping about as they run directly under the wheels of the cars trying to avoid them, leaving a trail of carnage at 50 metre intervals.

In point of fact, said pheasant Nigel Walker, we are highly evolved animals, who have worked out that you only breed us so braying wideboys from the City of London can come down to the country on expenses one weekend every year and blast us into oblivion. By choosing to take our own lives instead, we are expressing a choice under our own free will and defiantly protesting our existential ennui in the face of an uncaring universe.

Naah, just kidding. Were really, really thick.

11:00

Woman regrets having wedding of her childhood dreams "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Jennifer Cowan, a 38-year-old senior telecoms executive from Cardiff, admitted it may have been a mistake to organise the fairy-tale wedding of her childhood dreams as she had promised herself thirty years ago.

After spending her 20s and early 30s dedicating herself to building a successful career in a competitive corporate environment Cowan finally decided it was time to marry. I felt I owed it to myself to have the wedding Id always dreamed of as a little girl, she explained, but on reflection my Vera Wang dress might have looked a bit better without the taffeta fairy wings and the pointy tinsel-wrapped princess hat.

Plans for the ceremony were comprehensively detailed in a colouring book that she had kept since she was eight but after months of hectic preparations it was only as she entered the church that she had a chance to wonder whether she had made the right decision. Determined to go ahead, she began her graceful walk down the aisle to the theme from Black Beauty, proudly displaying the large crystal engagement ring she had got from the bubblegum machine outside the newsagents.

The reception for 300 in the garden of her parents Maidstone semi saw everyone toasting the bride and groom in Tizer and enjoy the requested wedding meal of jelly and ice cream, and chocolate cake, and chocolate pudding, and chocolate ice-cream, and chocolate mousse, and chocolate. Speeches were kept brief to enable Cowan and her bridesmaids, her five best friends from class 2B, to perform a dance routine to Im in the Mood for Dancing by the Nolans. Soon after guests started taking their party bags and leaving, giving their congratulations to a tearful and clearly very moved bride.

Most surprised of all was her groom, Henry Winkler, better known as The Fonz from Happy Days, who gave his signature thumbs-up to the vicar and seemed delighted at landing himself a younger bride so late in his life. Hes in his mid-sixties now, said Cowans mother, tearfully. I dont think she really thought it through.

10:33

Lifetime Of Debt Caused By Extortionate Sydney Rent Made Bearable By $11 Schooner At Opera Bar "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A couple of Sydney residents have had their pains eased this afternoon. Despite suffering through a lifetime of financial misery because they were born in the developers daydream of Sydney, a couple of locals have realised that things arent so bad today. This comes after they decided to go down and enjoy a []

The post Lifetime Of Debt Caused By Extortionate Sydney Rent Made Bearable By $11 Schooner At Opera Bar appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:11

Core Of Earth Found To Be Made Of Hot Apple Pie Filling "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Proving once again that we still do not fully understand the world we live in, scientists at Betoota University have discovered the core of the Earth is made of hot apple pie filling. The revolutionary findings were uncovered when lab technician Helen McCrae (28) bit into a hot apple pie and wondered []

The post Core Of Earth Found To Be Made Of Hot Apple Pie Filling appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:02

Eco-Tourist Brings KeepCup On Contiki Tour "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Raising the standard for travelers everywhere, eco-tourist Megan Sturges (25) has reduced the carbon footprint on her European Contiki tour by bringing her Keepcup with her. The law student is enjoying her summer break in the most ethical way possible, by getting drunk in Europes best cities every night, before refueling with []

The post Eco-Tourist Brings KeepCup On Contiki Tour appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:45

Earth's History Completely Ignored as NASA Seeks to Penetrate Surface of Mars "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mars, an empty planet devoid of life that simply and peacefully maintains its regular orbital pattern within the vast and continually-expanding Universe, may possibly have its surface ruthlessly penetrated within a few years. Reporters recently in...

07:34

New Gym Warriors Self Esteem Expressed Through New Spray On Shirt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Its was casual Friday in a Betoota finance firm and Toby from accounts was reportedly really turning it on. Having only recently started at the firm, Tobys colleagues probably werent expecting him to rock up in a skin-tight white shirt that hugs every sculpted muscle in his body. Tobys fashion choice had the []

The post New Gym Warriors Self Esteem Expressed Through New Spray On Shirt appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:32

Michael Cohen Lying About Not Telling The Truth? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There have been some sensational scenes in US politics this week, with Michael Cohen, the one-time attorney of US president, Donald Trump, freely admitting under questioning that he had previously lied to Congress when he said that Trump had ceased n...

07:07

Woman Deletes Message From Stranger In Hopes Of Removing Drunken Friendship From Memory "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Ellen Sobrata has woken this morning with more than just an alcoholic hangover. Shes also experiencing sharp pangs of anxiety brought on by the fact that she gave her phone number to a complete stranger she met at a trendy Betootan rooftop bar. Ellen was reminded of the number exchange as she scrolled []

The post Woman Deletes Message From Stranger In Hopes Of Removing Drunken Friendship From Memory appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:50

Lyle Shelton Receives Inconvenient Reminder His Religion Is About Love And Tolerance "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Former leader of Australian Christian Lobby and Kingaroy Highs Most Likely To Move The World Back A Step 1988, Lyle Shelton, has spent the day angry and unhappy after receiving an inconvenient reminder that his religion is about love and tolerance. A prominent figure in the cult-classic No campaign, Shelton now serves []

The post Lyle Shelton Receives Inconvenient Reminder His Religion Is About Love And Tolerance appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:28

YouTube Homesteader Jesse Stafford Dead after Construction Accident "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Jesse of Pure Living for Life died Friday in a tragic home building lifestyle decision gone wrong.

INTERNET Jesse Stafford of Pure Living For Life passed following a tragic construction accident, Friday evening after trying to repair his new homes leaking roof.

Pure Living For Life recently drew controversy from the YouTube Homesteader community after Jesse went on-the-grid, rigging a 300 amp line directly into his garages bedroom.

The first snowfall ripped all the screws right out of our house, Jesse uttered in this fateful last video, titled Is this THE END of JESSE on Pure Living for Life?!? The video, which includes graphic footage of Jesses death, has received over 10,000,000 views, earning his surviving partner, Alyssa, a Platinum YouTube button.

Yeah, Im not so sure about these products, Jesse moaned, We doublescrewed the whole house and they still didnt hold. Everyone said they were good screws but I guess what does the internet know.

The houses famous Structural Insulation Panels, buckled and dangling into the badly cracked foundation, funneled a stream of water directly into the exposed 300 amp electrical box.

Now I know a lot of YouTube safety people are going to say this isnt safe, but Im going to install a bigger ridgecap, which should finally be big enough, put the glue down first this time, and see if another 7 cans of foam will fill in the extra gap. THAT should solve our little electrical problem.

Climbing up a hand-made wooden ladder, Jesse howled into the wind as Alyssa tried to stabilize the drone. Now this will get some clicks! Woooo!!! Fans noticed this was the first time Jesse had ever worn a toolbelt, but instead of tools he had filled each pouch with cans of insulating foam and clipped even more cans to the back.

Fans noticed that the timber frame structure of the house, which was attached to the foundation only with a few toenail screws, is shown totally detached earlier in the video. Moments after removing the first piece of the leaking ridgecap, an immense creaking can be heard as several of the Shelter Institutes joints give way and another corner of the timberframe slips off the foundation. As the Structural Insulation Panels are shorn across the splitting roof, a cloud of sytrofoam obscures the view of the cameras. Several minutes pass, and the drone footage shows a scene that only gradually becomes clear. Alyssa is standing in her garden next to a ball of foam that has engulfed Jesse. A hund...

04:22

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Settle Custardy Battle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Movie stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, whose marriage ended in a split in 2016, have ended their custardy battle in agreement, reports the Spoof. Pitt and Jolie - commonly referred to by fans as 'Brangelina' - have six children aged between 10...

03:16

Man Finds 20 Note In Charity Shop Book "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who bought a book from a charity shop in Hull, had the surprise of his life when he returned home and examined it, finding a 20 note that its original owner had been using as a bookmark! Moys Kenwood, 55, spotted the copy of the excellent J...

02:57

NASA Explains InSight Probe And All Other Space Exploration "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NASA officials have defended the space agency's InSight probe to discover the interior structure of Mars, after facing pointed criticism, earlier in the week, that the project was an "astronomical waste of money". The landing on the surface of Ma...

02:45

President Trump Has A Great Meeting With Man He Thinks Is Named Malcolm "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite a schedule full of watching Fox News and tweeting (almost definitely from the toilet) US President Donald Trump managed to find time to meet with Australias Prime Minister who according to him is a guy called Malcolm. In his search to meet someone who represents the average Australian, Prime Minister Scott []

The post President Trump Has A Great Meeting With Man He Thinks Is Named Malcolm appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:18

Nashville Musician Wonders if He Might Be a Little Self-Centered "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nashville musician Corndog Kramer, front man for the classification-resistant indie band Existential Insomnia, recently wondered if the adulation and praise lavished upon him by the discerning music aficionados who truly get his stuff, together with...

01:03

Morrison: If We Have A Federal ICAC, What Will Become Of Our Coal Industry? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has urged his parliamentary colleagues and to a lesser extent, the nation, to consider what would become of the countrys coal industry should a Federal Independent Commission Against Corruption (FICAC) be established. Scott Morrison, who spoke to the media this morning out the front of a []

The post Morrison: If We Have A Federal ICAC, What Will Become Of Our Coal Industry? appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Guild of Negotiators welcomes Brexit deal for improving their job security "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The International Guild of Diplomats and Negotiators says it welcomes Theresa Mays Brexit deal as offering job security for our members for years to come. The statement offers what will doubtless be welcome support for the beleaguered Prime Minister.

This deal is a masterly example of how to present a few sticking-plaster solutions as an historic agreement, while quietly leaving all the tricky issues to continue to be negotiated over for years to come said Guild spokesperson Lisa Fitzwilliam. It replaces the worthy but potentially time-limiting principle that Nothing is agreed until everything is agreed, with the even better principle that Nothing is agreed, ever, but lets keep talking at 500/day plus expenses. We feel this sets an important precedent for international diplomacy across the world.

Other trade groups and businesses that have come out in favour of the deal include the Brussels Conference Hotel Association, Eurostar, London City Airport and an unofficial body representing male and female escorts in and around London. The Worshipful Company of Biscuit and Danish Pastry Makers also made a rather indistinct statement in favour of something, possibly the Brexit agreement or possibly more of these yummy almond croissants for the afternoon session.

Following the Guilds statement, a hastily-convened meeting of the MPs Who Are Also Lawyers all-party parliamentary group decided that, despite many of their members having previously made statements along the lines of This deal is worse than spending the last hours before an imminent nuclear holocaust having sex with Piers Morgan and watching reruns of Last of the Summer Wine on continuous loop. However, on reviewing the evidence again, they now thought that it was an excellent agreement, and it had their wholehearted support. The agreement is now expected to pass through the Commons with an overwhelming majority.

00:27

Hehe, Suck Shit Mundine Says Morbidly Obese Used Car Salesman "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A worryingly overweight bachelor from South Brisbane is high on life today, thats after spending the night at the Mansfield Tavern, nursing 18 schooners through roughly eight undercard matches, before watching a 43-year-old man get knocked out by a much younger opponent. This comes after Brisbane PE teacher Jeff Horn took just []

The post Hehe, Suck Shit Mundine Says Morbidly Obese Used Car Salesman appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Friday, 30 November

21:21

False Flag: Ukraine "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenkos decision to impose Martial Law has more to do with British meddling than tales of angry Russian troops ready to storm Ukraines borders, said a Ministry of Defense official who claims the MI6 cooked up and spoon-fed a half-baked plot to western media and governments.

On Monday, the Ukrainian government imposed Martial Law in 10 of its 25 provinces, ostensibly in response to Russias seizure of three Ukrainian naval ships near the Kerch Strait between the Russian mainland and the contested Crimean Peninsula and rumors of Russian tanks, troops, and artillery massing at the border.

Our source does not deny these events happened. He said Russia attacked and captured the vessels the because they were attempting to smuggle arms and drugs from Ukraines Western Naval Base on the Black Sea to a remote Russian port forty kilometers northwest of Sevastopol. Furthermore, he admitted Russia has strengthened its southern border with additional military hardware and troops. But not to launch a preemptive strike on Ukrainian sovereignty.

The British government, and specifically the MI6, have taken the facts and concocted them into a story to promote this anti-Russian hysteria. The British are the main perpetrators of hatred toward Russia, and they spread this around to other western governments. We reinforced our border for the same reason President Trump deployed Troops to the U.S. Mexico borderto protect our borders from advancing migrants! our source said.

10 Downing Street, he argued, is familiar with the facts surrounding the shipping incident and the border mobilization, but chose fear over truth. Rather than publically acknowledge Russias woeful immigration crisis, which has seen millions of destitute Ukrainians flood Russias border, the British convinced Poroshenko that Russia planned to invade the Ukraine by years end. On November 12, an MI6 agent named ...

20:29

Michael Cohen: Sasha Made Me Sing Like A Canary "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: "When The Twilight Is Gone And No Songbirds Are Singing." But the songbirds were singing. Michael Cohen just performed acapella for James Mueller, or so he thought. Although both have the same surname, Michael and Sasha Bar...

18:45

Website Getting on Just Fine After Laying of Copyeditor "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NEW YORK Popular review website GearJam.com said goood bye to there steemed copyeditor Devin Warren last month due to falling ad revenue from Facebooks recent algorithm change, but are getting along just fine, optimistic sources within the company confirmed.

I Started GearJam eight years ago from my college dorm room, and weve always believed in giving our employees a dependable place to, launch their carears. Butt cracks eventually showed up in our gameplan, said CEO Ian McBride in a written statement. We arent immune to the problems a lot of independent publishers are have, but we are carrying on good.

McBride admitted in his statement that there were defiantly some dumps in the road after we let Deven go. He contends, however, that everyone in the office has taken up the challenge of editing themselves, and are getting some really good first hand-job experience threw this.

Optimism was high mere weeks ago, when Zildjian cymbals offered GearJam exclusivity to profile Sleater-Kinney drummer Janet Weiss. It was, unfortunately, only 36 hours after publishing the profile that a GearJam intern noticed a caption in the story that read, Janet Weiss, picture left on drugs in Seattle. Ultimately, Zildjian demanded the profile be pulled when it was found their new line of cymbals would be available to the pubic on May 5.

Without a strong copy editor, employees at GearJam suddenly realized the extent of the grammatical errors they make on a day-to-day basis.

Our Social Media Manager told clients shed bring porn and beans to the shareholders annual Southern-Style Cockoff, which was pretty embarrassing, said senior editor Sam Olsen. But the worst was a half-page ad for GearJam in NME magazine exclaiming, CLever shit in bold here;; alksdjflkjh. Someone shouldve caught that.

CEO McBride was last seen pacing, half-naked in his office, scrawling, THERE, THEIR, THEYRE on the wall in red ink and shouting profanities at a copy of The Merriam-Webster Dictionary propped up in the corner with a face drawn on the cover.

The post Website Getting on Just Fine After Laying of Copyeditor appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:46

This video of a toy diesel engine doing stunts is oddly satisfying "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We dont really know how YouTubers 5MadMovieMakers got this toy diesel engine D199 from the Island of Sodor, where Thomas lives around this stunt circuit, but were glad they did.

We have questions:
How does it go uphill?

How does it keep going for so long?

What will the Fat Controller do when he sees whats been going on?

Viewers were pretty impressed.

Its not the first time this has happened on Sodor heres Thomas showing off his sick skills.

Percys going to be so jealous.

Source: 5MadMovieMakers

The post This video of a toy diesel engine doing stunts is oddly satisfying appeared first on The Poke.

16:07

11 disappointed kids who are not living their best life with Santa "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As soon as Halloweens over, shops stock the shelves with tinsel and Baileys, start playing Jona Lewie and, if theyre big enough, hire a Father Christmas impersonator to lie to your kids and charge you 5 for a 1 toy. These 11 sets of kids did not enjoy the experience and its unlikely that Santa did, either.

1. At least 2 of them look happy

2. All he wants for Christmas is a speedy exit

3. All hail, the Dark Lord

4. Not just any abject terror abject terror in stereo

5. Thats right, Santa hold her arms so she cant lamp you

6. Wed cry, too
...

16:01

Red Dead Redemption 2 Gives Man New Appreciation for Clunky, Boring Parts of Real Life "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ITHACA, N.Y. Local gamer Martin Phelps has reportedly found a new appreciation for the miserable and boring sections of his day-to-day life thanks to having spent the last few weeks playing Rockstars hit video game Red Dead Redemption 2, according to close sources.

Now that Ive played about fifty or sixty hours of just the skinning animations in Red Dead, Im starting to really take another look at what I used to consider the boring parts of my life, Phelps told his friends. For example, my two hour commute to work isnt miserable its art. Eating alone in my studio apartment every night isnt lonely its highly detailed.

Im pretty sure this is what happiness is: finding a way to enjoy your confusing, clunky life and also playing a lot of video games, Phelps continued, bumping into a table and scraping his leg. Ahh shit, that hurt! OK but its not bad, its just very realistic for the, uh time period. Fuck I need a band-aid.

According to Phelps, he was prepared to enjoy Red Dead Redemption 2 no matter the quality of the game.

I was so excited for Red Dead Redemption 2 before it came out that I basically have not allowed myself to dislike it, and thats something I think is healthy to carry over into my real life, Phelps explained. Im an awkward guy. Sometimes when I just want to say hi to someone, I metaphorically shoot them in the face with my words. I got too many things binded to one button, but now I know how to justify that as good no matter what.

Not every single movie is fun, but we still appreciate them as good, Phelps added. Thats true of video games and I really hope that its also true of lives. My life, specifically. Because it is seriously not fun.

The post...

16:00

May threatens to get the band back together "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

To garner support for her Brexit plan, Theresa May will resume touring with her fusion of prog-rock and low corporation tax. This will mean reforming her original cabinet, with Amber Rudd on Phillip Hammonds organ and Boris Johnson banging the racist drum bongo-bongo style. Initially the tour will focus on smaller venues, but post-Brexit will build up to huge arena-size venues or empty food warehouses as they will be known.

Mays last tour, Maybot 2017, featured such classics as Crazy Little Thing Called Austerity, Migrant Homesick Blues and Money for Nothing My Husbands Tax Returns.
While Mrs May has downplayed the significance of the gigs, 80% of the public insist that this is her Farewell Tour, even if she is the last to know. Booking agencies have confirmed a flurry of interest, but only in Irish passports.

15:45

Man Offers to Introduce Woman to Band Shes Already In "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. Local punk Kenny Holmes offered to introduce Fannie Lane, the singer of Fannie and the Road Bandits, to her fellow members of Fannie and the Road Bandits before their show last night, fellow concertgoers confirmed.

I was just sitting at the bar after soundcheck, and this random dude came up, talking about how much he loves Sandy and the Road Rabbits, Lane said. Except he clearly didnt know that Im Sandy, and that my name is Fannie.

Holmes allegedly raved to Lane about the pop-punk bands first record as clearly their best one, shortly before cozying up to her and kindly offering to share his insider knowledge.

I told her I knew a guy, and that I could totally introduce her to Brandy and the rest of the band after their set, Holmes admitted. Chicks love that shit, so I knew shed be impressed.

Lanes several attempts to tell Holmes that she was actually in the band that bears her name were reportedly only met with insistence that Holmes knew what he was talking about.

Trust me, I know Randy and the Road Habits thats not Randy. Theres no way this woman is the person who sings It Gets Redder or Sleep Stalking, Holmes said, of songs actually titled It Gets Better and Sleepwalking. God, I hope they play those two tonight. Those lyrics are so deep.

The guy Holmes knew who could probably help introduce Lane after their set, bouncer Emmett West, noted he was all too familiar with the scenario.

This dude asks me every single time theres a cute girl at the bar if I can help him out, and every time, I tell him hell no, West said. Most of the time, I dont even meet the band and even if I did, theres no way Id help out that slimeball.

Lane ultimately made a quick escape as Holmes rambled about how he sees the heavy influences of Paramore and Joy Division on the bands latest record.

At that point, it was almost time for us to start playing, and I figured the only way to convince him that I was the singer of his supposedly favorite band was to actually get up on stage, sighed Lane.

Holmes was last seen by the bands tour van, asking Lane if she needed help unloading her boyfriends gear.

The post Man Offers to Introduce Woman to Band Shes Already In appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:42

Face Transplant Goes Wrong, And Woman Ends Up Looking Like Bill Cosby "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A doctor in California has been severely criticised after a face transplant operation he performed went completely tits-up, and left the patient wishing she had never bothered. Cameron Feylyer, 26, one of life's losers, tried to take her own life...

Face Transplant Goes Wrong, And Recipient Ends Up Looking Like Bill Cosby "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A doctor in California has been severely criticised after a face transplant operation he performed went completely tits-up, and left the patient wishing she had never bothered. Cameron Feylyer, 26, one of life's losers, tried to take her own life...

Face Transplant Goes Wrong "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A doctor in California has been severely criticised after a face transplant operation he performed went completely tits-up, and left the patient wishing she had never bothered. Cameron Feylyer, 26, one of life's losers, tried to take her own life...

15:05

17 times Twitters empty tweet was a gift to the internets comedians "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We dont quite know how, but Twitter posted a tweet with nothing in it. Looks like theyve been taking advice from Ronan Keating. Of course, they left themselves open to being the butt of a thousand jokes thankfully many of them exactly the same so we dont have to show you them all. These 17 say it best.

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14:09

Honest Trailers have done Elf and Buddy would not be happy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Any day now, youll suddenly get the urge to eat mince pies, listen to Noddy Holder scream at shoppers, and watch the Marmite of Christmas films Elf. In the 2003 Christmas movie, Will Ferrell stars as a human brought up by elves, who heads off to New York to find his birth father, who turns out to be the most un-Christmasy person ever. Whats not to like? Dont answer that.

By popular request, the gang over at Honest Trailers have given us the truth about Elf, voiced by the amazing Jon Bailey and its not pretty.

Meet Buddy, an orphan abandoned by his mother after a one-night stand, whos stolen by Santa, raised by a family who think hes a burden and gets sent to New York with nothing but the clothes on his back to find his real dad, who thinks hes mentally ill and wants nothing to do with him.

We dont remember seeing that on the poster.

The post Honest Trailers have done Elf and Buddy would not be happy appeared first on The Poke.

13:50

Waitress Backs Herself Without Pen Or Paper "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Patrons of French Quarter cafe The Almond Teet, have been left anxious and confused as waitress Jess Hamilton (26) has begun relying heavily on her memory skills and is taking orders without a pen and paper. Since opening in 2015, The Almond Teet is a proudly alternate food destination that according to []

The post Waitress Backs Herself Without Pen Or Paper appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:33

Orange Juice Wages War On Freshly Brushed Teeth "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The United Nations is under pressure to officially condemn orange juice after the fruit beverage launched a vicious attack on a set of freshly brushed teeth. In the developing situation, incompetent university student Jamie Dwyer (19) received a brutal strike attack to his freshly brushed teeth after swigging a mouthful of orange []

The post Orange Juice Wages War On Freshly Brushed Teeth appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:22

Senator Canavan Refuses To Explain Why He Always Looks Like Hes Had A Huge Night On The Piss "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Federal Resources Ministers has informed The Advocate that he would only like to talk about how many jobs the Adani coal mine will create today. This stance from the Queensland Senator came after he was questioned about why he always seems to look like he was three sheets to the wind the night []

The post Senator Canavan Refuses To Explain Why He Always Looks Like Hes Had A Huge Night On The Piss appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:04

A man shot himself in Walmarts meat department and the jokes just wont stop 16 fillet steaks "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In what is quite possibly a contender for Headline of the Year, Newsweek reported ARIZONA MAN ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS HIMSELF IN GROIN IN WALMART. Well, the internet just couldnt let that lie, so the jokes came straight from the hip and into the groin.

This is the tweet that carried the bizarre news to the world.

These are our 16 favourite reactions.

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13:00

Man getting divorced seeks transitional period "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man going through a difficult divorce, in which he and his wife cant seem to agree about anything, suggested a two-year transitional period to sort everything out. Its brilliant, Dave Bagshot of Bexleyheath told his mates down the pub. Ill still be able to live at home and see the kids, but I can also slip Shelley from accounts a length whenever I like. And after two years, I expect well be able to agree on problems we cant even discuss without getting into a furious row at the moment.

However, it has turned out he had to move out of the family home, hardly ever sees his kids and Shelley from accounts has dumped him. Worst of all, his intention to be unfaithful means his wife will now have the upper hand in divorce negotiations. Bagshot has countered that he was sure there was something going on between his wife and their lodger, Seamus Murphy, but she replied Dont try and bring the Irish boarder into this.

12:47

Just an amazing video of an insect that looks like an armoured alien warrior "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

On Twitter @amazingnature have posted this bizarre video of an insect. Can anyone tell us what species it is? Would genuinely love to know

 

The post Just an amazing video of an insect that looks like an armoured alien warrior appeared first on The Poke.

12:08

This is the best shutdown of body shaming youll see today "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Dating apps can be a bit like a cattle market sometimes, but theyre for adults, right? Youd think theyd have a bit of tact, consideration, maybe some discretion er, no. Not the ones like this rude woman who accidentally liked a photo.
Becca doesnt mince her words.

Talk about reinforcing your point, Becca!

Far from thinking of killing himself (WTAF), he reacted in the best way possible. Looks like Tinder Guy doesnt mince his words, either.

Surprise, surprise, Becca can dish it out, but she cant take it.

The internet is here for his major shade.

...

11:22

11 cartoons which demonstrate why Chris (Simpsons artist) is the best artist ever "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We adore the twisted genius that is @getbentsaggy , and weve featured him before here . So we make no apologies for posting yet more of his wonderful cartoons.

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11:12

Guys looking bored at the shops is our new jam 15+ incriminating pics "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We dont buy into the men do this, women do that schtick, but these pictures of blokes killing time while their other halves are shopping is pretty funny for something thats basically pandering to a stereotype. If ever there was a need for a man creche
1. Anything for a seat

2. Waiting takes its toll

3. Sometimes its like youre only there t0 guard the other stuff while she tries things on

4. The sadness in his eyes

5. Waiting 101 find a comfy chair
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11:00

Scottish Widows lady told Get over it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The attractive lady who has been dressed in black in the Scottish Widows adverts for the past couple of decades has been told to get over her husbands death and move on.

It has been some time since Edinburgh based Scottish Widows widened their range of financial service beyond the very limited sector of providing for women from Scotland whose husbands had died. Now there is a general feeling that the lady in the adverts should perhaps come out of mourning and begin to enjoy life a little bit more.

Morag McGafferty from Port Ellen in Islay was visited by friends last Saturday evening who said to her Morag, will you nae put on some brighter clothes and come out for a wee drink, girl?
Och no, she is reported to have told them. My late husband Hamish would not have wanted me frittering away our savings like that.

The friends pointed out that she had been a Scottish widow for longer than she was married to him and there must be more to life than wearing a black hooded cape and standing around on the hills looking enigmatic. But attempts to get her to eat a Flake in a field of poppies or invite round the dishy bloke next door for a cup of Gold Blend have all failed. Morag instead pulled up her black hood and spoke wistfully of how her late Hamish would have admired the Flexible Options Bond and PEP transfers now available to cautious investors. Morags friends pledged to call on her again in another couple of years, before going off to spend all their money down the pub.

26 November 2006

10:57

This hilarious video of a man being persistently harassed by a puppet has gone wildly viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So @BLACKW0MEN posted this video clip of a man being harassed by a puppet, and its a thing of joy (though probably not for the poor guy).

 

If youre wondering where the clip came from its apparently from Wonder Showzen (nope, us neither)

The post This hilarious video of a man being persistently harassed by a puppet has gone wildly viral appeared first on The Poke.

10:43

This Is Sad Says Nation "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The country has let out a collective sigh of exasperation this evening, as it prepares for the boxing match that was apparently supposed to capture the imagination of a nation. As a few people around the country prepare for The River Side Rumble, the bout will see Anthony The Man Mundine and []

The post This Is Sad Says Nation appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:18

25 funniest tweets of the week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Wed like to go one last week without saying the C word, if possible not that one, the one about the fat guy in the red suit who sneaks into your house at night and rummages through your stockings. Actually, it could be that C word. Before the season to be jolly has had a chance to get on our last nerve, lets share whats been making us laugh this week.

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09:09

A Scottish newspapers reaction to being banned from a press conference is glorious the 17 best reactions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When space was short at a press conference to cover Theresa Mays visit to Scotland, it was by an enormous coincidence Scotlands only pro-independence newspaper that was told it couldnt attend. The National responded in the best possible way.


Their non-report has had a greater reaction than simply running the story would have done, with a great deal of support for their stance.

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08:22

An artist took a piece of racist graffiti and turned it completely on its head "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, but when life gives you racist graffiti, edit it to make the exact opposite statement a powerful acknowledgement of the areas diversity. Thats what artist Chris Walker did, when he spotted a prime example of Little England nonsense in Walthamstow, London.

With just a few additions, the image was transformed from one that would make UKIP proud but, then, so would a red, white and blue scarf on a bulldog to a true reflection of UK society in the 21st century. His sleight of hand went down very well.

07:33

Silly Season Kicks Off As Cheryl From Accounts Declares Self Lit In Potential HR Disaster "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Its official, the silly season is here! The declaration was made moments ago at a popular bar in Betootas Old City District, by a 40-year-old mother of two named Cheryl. Cheryl Harrigan officially kicked off the festive season this evening when she informed her colleagues that she was lit. With her husband []

The post Silly Season Kicks Off As Cheryl From Accounts Declares Self Lit In Potential HR Disaster appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:26

Jeremy Hunt praised an MP for revealing his HIV status and got thoroughly owned "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Labour/Co-op MP for Kemptown and Peacehaven, Lloyd Russell-Moyle, has announced in the House of Commons that he received an HIV positive diagnosis in 2009.

Speaking ahead of World Aids Day, he said

I wanted to be able to stand here in this place and say to those who are living with HIV that their status does not define them,

We can be whoever we want to be, and to those who have not been tested, maybe because of fear, I say to you: it is better to live in knowledge than to die in fear.

His inspirational attempt to end the stigma that still prevents people from being open about their status drew the attention of former Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt.

Mr Russell-Moyle responded with these harsh but fair words.

The stunning burn has been gathering admiration in spades.

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06:52

Southwest Airlines Gate Clerk, Herself, Had A Strange Name "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Southwest Airlines employee who laughed at the name of a 5-year-old girl checking-in for a flight with her mother, herself has a name which is far from commonplace, it has been reported. When Abcde (pronounced Ab-city) Redford, 5, stood in lin...

Southwest Airlines Gate Clerk, Herself, Had A Strange Name "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Southwest Airlines employee who laughed at the name of a 5-year-old girl checking-in for a flight with her mother, herself has a birth name which is far from conventional, it has been reported. When Abcde (pronounced Ab-city) Redford, 5, stood...

06:30

Leave Politics To The Professionals Says Dopey Cunt Who Spent Career As An Italian Citizen "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Federal Resources Minister Matt Canavan has blasted thousands of students involved in nationwide protests today. This comes as huge numbers of school students in cities across the country defied the Prime Minister today and skipped school to protest against the governments stance on climate change. Canavan has slammed the criticism from the []

The post Leave Politics To The Professionals Says Dopey Cunt Who Spent Career As An Italian Citizen appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:55

Striking Students Willing To Agree To 8 Sitting Days Next Year "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Thousands of Australian students who went on strike today have reached a compromise agreement that would see them go to school 8 days in the first half of next year, the same number of sitting days in Parliament in 2019.

We figured that if our leaders are going to turn up for a week and a bit next year, then we should probably match that, a student spokesperson said.

Many students took the full day off today, reducing their sitting days in 2018 to just 192.

Coalition MP Matt Canavan said that striking students would only learn how to join the dole queue, and later asked for tips to how to join the dole queue, potentially in around May next year. He said he was asking for a friend.

04:34

Michael Clarke Demonstrates That He Means Business And Asks Hairdresser To Frost The Tips "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Michael Clarke-Gerard Whateley feud has escalated this afternoon, with the former Australian Captain firing off a stern warning. Clarke sent Whateley the strongest message yet, by heading down to his local barber this afternoon and asking him to fire up the frosted tips. If this pen pushing journo whose never played a []

The post Michael Clarke Demonstrates That He Means Business And Asks Hairdresser To Frost The Tips appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:54

Little Aussie Battler Glad His Billion Dollar Multinational Mining Corporation Is Finally Being Heard "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Mining magnate Gautam Adani has been praised by coal advocates today following the announcement that the coal mine in the Galiee basin will go ahead. After initally facing revenue issues, the company announced yesterday that they had managed to secure the funding required to get the project up and running. That news was []

The post Little Aussie Battler Glad His Billion Dollar Multinational Mining Corporation Is Finally Being Heard appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:55

Bank Executive Wondering If Theres Been Enough Clear Air To Slide A Christmas Bonus Through "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A high flying top end employee at one of Australias banks has confirmed today that he is facing quite the dilemna. The 53-year-old board member at the Commonwealth Bank named William Cashman explained that he has been mulling over whether to ask for a little bonus ahead of the festive season. Cashman told []

The post Bank Executive Wondering If Theres Been Enough Clear Air To Slide A Christmas Bonus Through appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Call for referendum on which TV channel should host Brexit debate "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Britains TV channels are currently arguing about which of them should show the debate between Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn on Brexit. There have been calls from viewers that if this cannot be resolved satisfactorily, there should be a referendum on it to show what the will of the people is, although lawyers for the TV industry say nobody has worked out what that looks like.

Im dismayed they are taking so long to decide. Its the only thing about Brexit that hasnt gone smoothly, said this weeks Brexit secretary, Stephen Barclay. Most of the British people just want to get on with it. I think thats what I was told to say, anyway.

The BBC has reportedly demanded to screen the widely anticipated argument between two leaders, neither of whom gave a flying toss during the Brexit referendum itself, because it has licence payers to answer to and wants to put Laura Kuenssberg in the audience to ask searching questions of Corbyn, whoops, sorry, both of them. However, ITV believes it should have first refusal because We currently have fuck all on a Sunday night until Im a Celebrity starts.

Dave says it should screen the debate three days afterwards and every Sunday thereafter until Brexit or the end of the world, whichever comes first, and probably will anyway. Meanwhile, the DUP insist on the debate being on Daves sister channel Billy and the participants being placed on a circular stage in the form of a square. Boris Johnson has insisted on Winston Churchill leading the Brexit side of the debate and having Bertie Wooster as the adjudicator, but if they are not available he and Jacob Rees-Mogg are ready to step in.

The issue has been further complicated by the need to decide whether there should be a transitional period before, during or after a television debate or a parliamentary vote but not a television debate or before, during or after a television debate and a parliamentary vote but not a referendum or before, during or after a referendum and a television debate but not a parliamentary vote or not. Calls for third television debate have been dismissed on the grounds that this might leave voters confused. Calls for a possible third referendum however have not been dismissed, just in case the Remainians still dont get the result they want.

throngsman, apepper and Titus

00:33

PM Exasperates Liberals Gender Divide By Referring To Female Crossbench MPs As The Plastics "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Just when we thought The Prime Minister may be able to turn around the nations perception of how women are treated within the Liberal Party, it appears that Morrison has taken a mighty slide backwards, after engaging in a school yard brand of politics with a growing all-female faction on the crossbench. []

The post PM Exasperates Liberals Gender Divide By Referring To Female Crossbench MPs As The Plastics appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:00

Pococks Off Season Plans Sorted After Adani Mine Receives Green Light "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Prominent ball pilferer David Pocock was chuffed to announce this morning that his plans for the rugby offseason have now been sorted as the Adani Carmichael Mine in Central Queensland recieved the green light yesterday. Speaking to the media this morning outside his humble Canberra red brick, the 30-year-old said []

The post Pococks Off Season Plans Sorted After Adani Mine Receives Green Light appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Thursday, 29 November

23:52

Picture of Extremely Ugly and Dysfunctional Family Displayed on Widescreen Monitor in Employee Break Room "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Ohio. Employees at Bob & Todd's Professional Brushworks, a factory that assembles and distributes industrial brooms throughout the Midwest, were shocked and horrified last Monday when a rather upsetting image was displayed on the widescreen moni...

23:48

Gen-Y Blows Weekly Budget Taking Mum To Extravagant Lunch To Prove Hes Got His Shit Together "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Ohhh thats nice, what do you call this? asks the visiting suburban matriarch. Jason wipes his mouth with a napkin and casually explains to his mother that they are drinking a skin contact summer wine. Its called ros says Jason. Like hundreds, possibly thousands of millenialls that have relocated to Betootas inner-city []

The post Gen-Y Blows Weekly Budget Taking Mum To Extravagant Lunch To Prove Hes Got His Shit Together appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

23:15

Turks, Kurds and Whey, Weigh, Way "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Istanbul, Turkey. Special to The Spoof. Turkey's president Recep Tayyip Erdogan today said he would read a peace proposal submitted by the Kurds and weigh the consequences of a summit with their leader, Abdullah Ocalan. "But which Kurds does this...

22:22

Arguing Pub Couple Announce Greyhound Bus Tour Dates "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

couple

That couple from the pub who are constantly arguing are taking their show on the road for a series of dates on popular Greyhound bus routes, their manager has announced.

We wanted to reward regional fans of Jase and Cheryl from the front bar of the Commercial Hotel by giving them a chance to overhear their non-stop shitfight without having to travel all the way to the city, said Brad Barney from Screeching Bogan Touring. The tour starts on the August the 6th overnight Adelaide to Melbourne service, with other dates confirmed for the Mackay To Rockhampton run and finishing off with a special 36 hour Perth to Port Augusta trans Nullarbor gig.

Punters can expect all the favourites like Youre a cheating effing bastard and Well eff off then I dont effing need you plus a couple of tracks off our latest blue What are you looking at Dickhead?, said Jase as he necked his first long neck of the day at 9am. There wont be a dry eye in the house when we finish on the sentimental hit I effing love you darling dont go at the end of the second encore, just before the driver turfs us out at some roadhouse at midnight.

Fans lined up overnight at Greyhound ticket offices with sleeping bags to make sure they got good seats as close as possible to the raucous, boozy, slightly threatening pair.

I havent been able to sleep with excitement since I heard they were touring and Ive already got my tickets for the Dubbo to Sydney ride, said mega fan Toby Jugge from Peak Hill, proudly displaying his tattoo of Cheryl throwing a beer over Jase. Im reall...

22:09

Trump does Elvis Presley at his next rally "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The day after last Mondays appearance to aid a run-off for Mississippis Cindy Hyde-Smith, Mr. Trump followed with another special performance. This next rally featured the President in black threads, half-jacket with collar turned up, sunglasses...

18:17

The Word Queen Elizabeth Hates "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It has been revealed, by secret palace sources, that Queen Elizabeth II dislikes the word, shhhhh: pregnant. Not actually being pregnant, but just the word pregnant. The Queen has been pregnant four times. Her four children have been pregnant eig...

17:12

The F-ing Moron Is President "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Whats the big hold up? More people voted for Hillary Clinton to be President of the United States than for the fat, dumb kid in the back of the classroom blowing spit-balls. No-one allows a drunkard to fly a 747 passenger plane off the tarmac, l...

16:35

Michael Gove mocking Emmanuel Macrons accent in parliament is peak Brexit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its no secret than some Brexiters of the gammon persuasion are offended by the sound of a foreign accent on public transport, so goodness only knows what theyd make of hearing one in the House of Commons. This time, though, it was just Michael Gove, standing up to criticise Emmanuel Macron for a comment he had made about the Fisheries Policy.

Were glad he entertained himself, because from where everyone else is standing, he just looked like a bit of a t*t.

16:12

Coding Boot Camp Defends Decision to Hire Real Drill Sergeant "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ANAHEIM, Calif. Local computer programming academy CodeBlue has come under fire after hiring a retired Marine Corps drill sergeant to oversee their ten week coding boot camp.  While reaction to the decision has been overwhelmingly negative, CodeBlue have defended the hiring during several interviews this week.

We understand the negative criticism that comes with a decision like this, said Lead Developer Brandon Vasquez during a conference call. But the other leads and I wanted to make sure our students were ready for the brutal world of game development, and sometimes that means having a pissed off old man shove your face into a keyboard until you cry. Hell I wouldve paid extra for that kind of hands on experience.

The drill sergeant in question, Bill The Buzzsaw Marshall, also gave his perspective on his role in the camp as both a motivator and a teacher.

These slack-jawed sissies show up with their greasy-ass long hair in their face and half-naked Japanese cartoons on their damn shirts, and its my job to whip em into shape! he barked to a group of assembled reporters. They might hate my guts in camp, but you can damn well bet that when their boss is screaming in their ear to make the horses balls shrink faster, theyll have the skills to get the job done.  Everyone who makes it through my camp alive thanks me later, and thats a goddamn fact!

While gaming media has denounced Marshalls methods as too extreme, several of his students have come out to defend him, including Emily Figueroa, who landed a job soon after finishing CodeBlues boot camp.

Maybe all the wall-sits and push ups were a little overkill, she said. But the awful verbal abuse and sexual harassment really prepared me for my job at Riot Games.  So all-in-all, Im grateful for the experience. I just wish hed trained me how to handle having my ideas stolen and repackaged by men, but hopefully there will be a camp for that in the future.

The post Coding Boot Camp Defends Decision to Hire Real Drill Sergeant appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:00

Mumsnet launches its first surveillance satellite "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The European Space Agency has launched the first in a series of 400 low-orbit surveillance satellites commissioned by online parenting group Mumsnet, after a years delay caused by Project Pigsty. Featuring enhanced definition capable of spotting a dewdrop dangling from an unwiped nostril through thick cloud and an even thicker school coat hood, the system will operate throughout childhood and be optional for adulthood, though there may be occasions during the teenage years when it will briefly look away.

Mumsnet spokesperson Amanda Harris said: When mapping the trajectories and orbits for the satellite,s we discovered what an absolute mess space is. Everyone going there has had no consideration for anyone else going after them and scattered their rubbish without a care in the world, or indeed out of it. It looked like it was left for muggins to clear up, so muggins did. It took a year to modify a Dyson for space debris retrieval, but now you can eat your dinner off space, although we would never advocate that, not without washing hands first, and well now know if you have.

Hat tip Sir Lupus

16:00

Nightmares caused by farts you dont let out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Scientists have discovered that repressed flatulence gives rise to your inner demons and can result in disturbing images, such as ghosts, monsters or Theresa May running in a field of wheat. Being pursued by a killer clown during a feverish sleep is often the result of too much macaroni and cheese the day before. Anyone experiencing particularly vivid night terrors is advised to seek medical help and lay off the pickled eggs for a while.

I have one particular reoccurring nightmare, said one patient. Im in some sort of customs union which is spiralling out of control, but in order to escape I have set fire to my own head. Then, all of a sudden, Im hurtling towards a cliff edge being pursued by Jacob Rees-Mogg, dressed as his own nanny. And then Im falling, falling just like the stock market and then, then I wake up and remember Im the new Brexit Secretary.

15:45

Flask Narrowly Eludes Bouncers Half-Hearted Pat Down "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BROOKLYN, N.Y. A flask tucked into the waistband of local man Jason Lambert successfully found its way into a small venue last night after evading a half-assed pat down from a bouncer, relieved sources confirmed.

The homies were freaking out like I wasnt gonna make it in, but Ive done this shit a zillion times, said Lambert. These bouncers are professionals and can see contraband coming from a mile away you just gotta hide it real good, then play it cool. Ill usually ask a bouncer where he got his boots, or what kind of elastic he uses to hold his ponytail to distract them a bit. Works every time.

Before entering the venue, Lambert skillfully positioned himself last in line among his friends, and was seen casually looking around and occasionally yawning in an effort to act normal.

You could definitely tell he was up to something, said Bushwick resident Brittney Miller, an eyewitness at the scene. He kept rubbing his nose and winking at everyone he made eye contact with. Everyone knows this place barely even cards last week, a friend of mine snuck in a gallon of homemade limoncello under his shirt and just kept saying, Boy, did I have a big lunch! Nobody thought anything of it.

Bouncer-on-duty Craig DAngelo performed a well-rehearsed and perfunctory two-second pat down of the young man, barely making contact with Lamberts outerwear.

Yeah, he got one past the goalie. Whatever, said DAngelo. What did you expect, a cavity search? They dont pay me enough to be grabbing balls 100 times a night.

When reached for comment, the flask itself was ecstatic to survive the close call.

I was convinced we were done for, the flask said. Ive been running around with Jay for years, and honestly the kids kind of an idiot. I mean, look at my dented-ass corners. Ive gotten poured out and chucked in the trash enough to know comfort is a luxury I cant afford.

But he really did me right this time, getting me in like that, the flask added. Im proud of that crazy fucker even if he is a total lightweight.

At press time, Lambert and his flask were thrown out of the venue a mere five minutes after entering, when he was spotted filling it with another customers unattended drink.

The post Flask Narrowly Eludes Bouncers Half-Hearted Pat Down appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:35

19 Quite Interesting tweets from the official QI Twitter account "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We give you a collection of bizarre and wonderful facts from @qikipedia, the team behind the BBC TV show QI

 

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15:13

Eugenie Bouchard at Pecker Island forgot her tennis racket "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Renowned blond tennis star, Eugenie Bouchard, is completely enjoying the sun and breezes at Richard Bransons Necker Island. Currently underway, there is what is known as the worlds sexiest tennis tournament. On her second day on the island,...

15:02

This shutdown of a dishonest bad review is the hottest burn youll see anytime soon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It cant be easy keeping a cool head when someone is falsely criticising your work, but thats exactly what this restaurant manager did when a woman posted a terrible review on Yelp. This is the one-star panning that caught his attention.

Thats the kind of review that can ruin a business, so the manager was obviously shocked and concerned. He looked into the matter.

Things werent quite as shed suggested in fact they werent at all as shed suggested.

Shockingly, this kind of thing isnt an isolated or even rare occurrence.
...

14:43

This uplifting letter from a creditor may go some way towards restoring your faith in humanity "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

On Reddit jacques4801 posted: Found an old letter to my Mother who was struggling to make payments on my trumpet

We love you, James W Jones

 

The post This uplifting letter from a creditor may go some way towards restoring your faith in humanity appeared first on The Poke.

14:26

President Trump To Appeal To 'Hearts And Minds' Of Sentinelese "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In an attempt to recover the body of the murdered missionary, John Allen Chau, President Trump has revealed that he is to personally orchestrate a systematic campaign to appeal to the 'hearts and minds' of the Sentinelese savages who have murdered hi...

14:23

Kinder gentler tear gas has multi-purpose applications including unruly school children "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With the caravan from Central America now at the border, a new policy features massive blasting of music and lyrics while tear gas is distributed. Paranoia strikes deep Into your life it will creep It starts when youre always afraid Hey, wha...

13:32

How to draw Pikachu in 5 very NSFW steps "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fancy yourself as a bit of an artist? Ever drawn a d*ck on the back of a toilet door? Congratulations! You have what it takes to learn how to draw Pikachu, as explained by artist, PAPERBEATSSCISSORS.

Step 1.

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Voil!

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13:16

Man Read Newspaper Left On Train Seat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man travelling on a Transpennine Express train between Hull and Manchester, found a folded newspaper on a seat, and read it, according to witnesses. The man was seen to board the train at Hull Paragon Interchange at around 8:30am for the schedul...

13:15

Watch in astonishment as a pro-Brexit caller to a radio station starts to argue against holidays "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LBCs @mrjamesob is quite used to arguing with rabid, incoherent Brexiters, and heres a wonderful recent example of him expertly roasting gammon

 

 

He also made this rather brilliant point

The post Watch in astonishment as a pro-Brexit caller to a radio station starts to argue against holidays appeared first on The Poke.

13:00

Fashion police on standby as rumours grow of Abba return "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

News that Swedish supergroup Abba is about to release two new tracks for Christmas has raised alarm over what stage gear they might appear in should they decide to promote the material. Chief Inspector Alan Warren of the Fashion Police warned the four that if they perform in costumes like they had in the 1970s, they will meet with immediate mass pixellation across all broadcast and social media platforms.

We have worked hard to eradicate the sight of grown men appearing on stage wearing sky-blue and mauve paisley-pattern lam one-piece jumpsuits with matching capes and cravats, added Warren. I would just like to assure the public at large that this is not going to happen again on my watch. And I would not rule out the Historic Fashion Abuse department reopening their files either.

Hat tip Titus

12:40

Just 21 surreal and brilliant jokes written by kids which will have you crying with laughter "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We adore @KidsWriteJokes on Twitter. Every tweet is a genuine submission made by a kid to a kids joke website, and they are often a lot funnier than anything a professional comedian could write

And you can buy the book here

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12:27

Nick Knowles knickers are in a twist in the Im a Celeb camp 12 comments that get to the bottom of it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nick Knowles, currently languishing in the Australian jungle on Im a Celebrity, caused a bit of a stir when he admitted to feeling uncomfortable about the idea of touching the knickers of his female campmates. It would have been understandable had they been wearing them, but he was talking about the laundry. To muddy the croc-filled waters further, he asked John Barrowman, the only openly gay man in the camp, to do the job for him.

Johns response seemed pretty reasonable.

Why do you feel uncomfortable, its just an item of clothing, its not inappropriate.

Why is it ok for me a gay man to pick it up but its not ok for a straight man? Its just a piece of clothing.

The internet was divided. Some thought it was subconsciously homophobic, some thought it was chivalrous, others thought he should just get on with it. A bit like Brexit.

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11:35

This heartwarming tale of one womans great feat will distract you from the Brexit shitshow "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Twitter Scott Pack had this brilliantly heartwarming tale to share

 

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11:00

EU admits self-esteem was so low it paid Farage to end its life "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The European Union has opened up in a new interview, admitting that earlier this year, it was so upset that it paid Brexit campaigner Nigel Farage to help end its life.

The EU (43) was so upset by constant arguments and abuse that it decided to give Nigel Farage and UKIP almost 500k to put it out of its misery. Farage was considered the obvious choice as his failed bids to be elected an MP made him an expert in long drawn-out political deaths. Farage, however, only managed to severely damage one of the EUs main organs and his botched attempt at killing the worlds largest trading area have now come to light in an explosive new interview.

The EU said: I considered just booking into the Dignitas clinic myself but with the Swiss not being full members of the EU, I was worried about the legal implications of being done-in by a non-EU country. Getting fucked over by Farage seemed the easiest way to end it all.

While Nigel Farage has caused many individuals to question whether life is worth living, this is the first time Farage is believed to have been paid to do the dirty work.  The EU was considering suicide from the time the referendum on UK membership was announced. I didnt feel loved anymore. Even the Remain campaigners said things like Im not the biggest fan of the EU but we need to stay together which sounded to me like they just wanted to stay together for the kids or Belgium and Luxembourg to give them their full names. Theres no self-worth for me in that.

At first I thought that I could just end all this myself but there are so many obstacles to terminating your existence like not taking the right number of pills, someone being discovering you dead in your home or the Treaty of Rome. In the end I knew I needed someone to help me achieve what I truly wanted. I wanted it all to stop and Farage was nasty enough to make it happen. I knew if I got the price right hed help.

The High Court is now considering whether it was lawful for an organisation to be paid to end the life of the EU. Assisting a suicide is still illegal in the UK and whilst the EU wasnt feeling good about itself this year, it seems incredibly troubling that it should pay such a huge sum to a twat like Farage in order to end its life.

The EU is now recovering before the official removal of its British organ just as soon as NHS waiting lists allow.

Lloydie

10:58

This reimagined Sgt. Pepper album cover is both brilliant and heartbreaking "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Artist Chris Barker has both impressive skills and, it seems, unending patience, as he has for the third year produced a moving tribute to the big names weve lost over the past twelve months. His Sgt. Pepper album covers gather the late stars into the saddest collages imaginable.

We were worried thered be nobody left after 2016s version, featuring David Bowie, Prince, Victoria Wood and Jo Cox, among many, many others.

2017 saw us saying goodbye to Sir Roger Moore, Tom Petty, John Noakes and a lot more, besides.

Sadly, Chris had no shortage of subjects for 2018s version.

The post This reimagined Sgt. Pepper album cover is both brilliant and heartbreaking appeared first on The Poke.

09:14

This viral message from a Sunday League club to a former player is a rollercoaster of emotions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A football club can be like a family, with close bonds, shared experiences and members youd rather not see unless you really have to. The big difference is that a football club can get rid of its dead wood if it feel like.

There was a brighter update.

The Hartlepool Sunday League team seems to be leaving a door open for the youngster something H.M.P.s tend not to do. Whilst we strongly believe in everyone getting a second chance, we suspect an ankle tag might affect a defenders ability although, it could also make him a bit harder to meg.

People loved the tweet so much its picked up nearly 5000 retweets and the screenshot is turning up all over the internet. Some of the best reactions include:

08:25

Jacob Rees-Mogg had a dig at the Governor of the Bank of England and took a pounding 17 gold standard reactions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mark Carney, the Canadian-born British citizen who heads the Bank of England, warned that a disorderly Brexit could push the UK into recession and Jacob Rees-Mogg wasnt a bit happy. This is how he reacted.

The comment picked up a lot of interest.

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07:34

Tom Cruise dropped in on Vic and Bob you would not believe it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As if to swoop in and comfort us in our hour of great need, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer are back on our tellies with four special episodes of their Big Night Out its almost as though they were never away. With their international comedy status secured, theyve managed to attract an A-list guest, in the shape of Tom Cruise the actor. Not his exact shape, to be fair.

It does look like him, but the eagle-eyed amongst you might have spotted that it was actually not him, but actor Vaun Earl Norman shocking, I know. You might want to replay it to check for yourself.

If you were wondering how Vaun nailed the performance, this might explain it.

These are some of the things people were saying about Vic and Bobs Big Night Out.

04:28

PM Ploughs Through Beyonc Discography In Effort To Better Understand His Female Colleagues "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A desperate Prime Minister Morrison has today made an effort to mend his relationship with the remaining female MPs within his government, after Julia Banks resigned from the Liberal Party on Tuesday, a decision that has plunged the Morrison Government further into minority. Banks decision to leave the party sends a devastating []

The post PM Ploughs Through Beyonc Discography In Effort To Better Understand His Female Colleagues appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:03

Disappointment As Mum Reveals Christmas This Year Is With The Weird Cousins "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | Contact A bubbly Betoota Grove sexagenarian has taken time out of her busy afternoon of smoking cigarillos on the deck and watering the geraniums while theyre in direct sunlight to ring her children to say that Christmas this year is with the weird cousins. Debbie Mulgrave, a semi-retired Crown Prosecutor, broke the news to []

The post Disappointment As Mum Reveals Christmas This Year Is With The Weird Cousins appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:03

Stagnant Brown River Somehow Still Mighty According To Locals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A new study released today has confirmed that residents of every single Australian town and city with a river, are under the impression that their waterway is mighty. The research released by the CSIRO examined 100s of localities built around a river and found in every instance that the locals used certain terminology []

The post Stagnant Brown River Somehow Still Mighty According To Locals appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:00

Local 30-Something Viewed Quite Differently By Peers After Learning He Cant Drive "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Day broke by the Lake Betoota Boatramp this morning as three local shift workers reversed their beloved Quintrex into the deep and majestic waters of Western Queenslands deepest body of water. Moments after the hull slid off the rollers, skipper Sam Davison threw the keys to his ex-cab EL Falcon to one of []

The post Local 30-Something Viewed Quite Differently By Peers After Learning He Cant Drive appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:55

Healthy Option From Work Cafe Once Again Fails To Hit The Spot After Way Too Many Chances "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A investigation has reported that the healthy wrap from the work cafe has failed to hit the spot for the 22nd time. Wanting to spread her wings during her strictly monitored lunch hour, employee Gina Kidman (33) elected to visit the Business Park Kafe, a venue that meets her criteria of being []

The post Healthy Option From Work Cafe Once Again Fails To Hit The Spot After Way Too Many Chances appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:19

Tony Abbott And Craig Kelly Take Break From Saving Family Values To Check Out A Star Is Born "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Self-confessed Lady Gaga stans and conservative Liberal MPs, Tony Abbott and Craig Kelly, have today released a joint statement to the media which outlines their shared position on the Oscar-favourite romance-drama A Star Is Born. Its not bad hey says Craig Kelly, as he and the former Prime Minister spoke to the []

The post Tony Abbott And Craig Kelly Take Break From Saving Family Values To Check Out A Star Is Born appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Sealed Knot members to portray themselves in Battle of Brexit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Sealed Knot are about to embark on their most ambitious project to date, to portray themselves in the latest chapter of the war: The Battle of Brexit. Traditionally the Sealed Knot re-enacts battles fought during the English Civil War between 1642-1651, but as anyone who went to a football match in the 1970s, or put jam before cream on a scone in Devon will know, the issues of the Civil War are still very much alive.

This time the battle is contemporary, said Sealed Knot general secretary Steve Chisholm explain. This will be a mammoth undertaking. In our first re-enactment of the Battle of Brexit, we will be playing ourselves campaigning and voting at the Great EU referendum of 2016. A local primary school has kindly allowed us the use of their hall for the weekend to use as a voting station and a skilled ironmonger has lovingly crafted an authentic-looking ballot box.

Originally, Knot members decided that they should portray each other voting at the referendum, but enthusiastic efforts at authenticity went a little over the top and the meeting descended into an exchange of sarcastic comments on Facebook. They have therefore decided to re-enact this part of the battle at a future date and focus on some of the future engagements of the Brexit War. A request to the Army for the loan of some pikes and muskets was turned down, as the military brass in Whitehall said that these were all being kept on standby in case Argentina invades the Falklands again.

Ive portrayed many historical characters before, from a serving wench to an oddly misplaced Napoleon, but never myself in full costumed glory, said Chisholm. Ill be a middle-ranking Remainhead office manager. Its a role I may find challenging, as Ill be pitted in dinner party banter battle against some of my Leavalier best friends. Its going to be a wild ride, including the final re-enactment when we don ministerial garbs and waggle sheets of paper around in The Transition Period (Implementation Phase) And Indefinite Extension Thereof, To Be Determined During Negotiations Over Trade, Starting At The Beginning Of Said Transition Period (Implementation Phase) Battle to end all battles. Until the next one.

00:35

Rugby Australia Hunting Coach Wholl Fix Every Systemic Problem Within Their Organisation In 11 Months "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The nations peak rugby union body has announced this morning that theyre on the lookout for a coach who will fix the myriad of cultural, structural and social problems that have plagued the organisation in recent years. Under-siege Wallabies coach Micheal Cheika was all but guaranteed his job until []

The post Rugby Australia Hunting Coach Wholl Fix Every Systemic Problem Within Their Organisation In 11 Months appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

Wednesday, 28 November

22:28

Liberal Party Reaches Out To Dick Smith To Run For Them As They Believe Parliament Needs More Dicks "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

dick_smith

Scott Morrisons Liberal party has reached out to former Australian of the year recipient Dick Smith in an effort to convince him to run for them as a candidate. With the party under the belief that parliament is in the midst of a shortage of dicks.

We have extended an invitation to Dick Smith as we believe he is a fair dinkum Aussie having a go, said Prime Minister Morrison. We reward people who have a go and are fair dinkum especially if they are a dick.

When asked if the party should be looking to recruit women rather than more middle aged white men Prime Minister Morrison replied: The Liberal party is a party of merit we dont see race, sex or religion we simply seek to recruit the best dicks we can to run the country.

Its always a bonus as well if those dicks happen to be rich and white.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

In Sydney Dec 7th then come along and see our live show. To buy tickets go to: https://bit.ly/2AUaE5f

22:27

NSA Bolton Tells Trump: We need Martial Law Like Ukraine. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

National Security Advisor John Bolton told President Trump on Monday that the United States must take a lesson from Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko and declare Martial Law to protect America from growing threats both foreign and domestic.

Apparently without Trumps consent, Bolton contacted Ukrainian Prime Minister Volodymyr Groysman, congratulating his government for boldly declaring a temporary state of Martial Law across ten regions bordering Russia, the Black Sea, and the Azov Sea. The move came after Poroshenko warned of a buildup of Russian forces near Ukraines borders, and Russias seizure of Ukrainian ships. When Bolton asked if citizens were enraged by Poroshenkos actions, Groysmon purportedly said, Not at all. They feel safer with a curfew and armed military patrolling the streets. They overwhelmingly approve, to which Bolton responded, Im sure Americans will too.

Rather than admonish Bolton, Trump praised his initiative. The president said, What works in Ukraine might not work in the United Sates, but he agreed to keep all options on the table, according to a White House source familiar with the conversation.

Bolton told Trump the United States was ripe for invasion by migrant caravans, Russians, Chinese, and dissident Americans who perceive the government as a threat.

Bolton has always been itching for war. Hes favored war with Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, North Korea, Russia, Chine, and even, as outlandish as it sounds, Canada.  Hes always chosen conflict over conciliation, and his mind Martial Law serves two purposes: keep the civilians locked in their homes while the military fights whatever invading army he thinks is coming our way, and a means to round up Patriots that will likely oppose government overreach, our source said.

Bolton even provided Trump with a list of which states require Martial Law. Under his plan, all states bordering the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, Mexico, and Canada would immediately be placed under military control; additional states could be added to the list, as need.

Bolton right now sees Poroshenko as hero. That Poroshenko had the balls to...

22:18

Hello world! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start writing!

19:18

The GOP And The Ongoing Misappropriation Of Reason "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Liberals are continuing to make a profound mistake hoping for some republican reformation, a day when the Trumpsters of the world will turn some ideological corner toward reason. Even after the next line of political debacles, no matter how costly, their zenwrongness will hold steady. Essentially 1 in 3 people in this country are impervious to reality. Most citizens are ill-informed,

18:46

Fact Check: Is This Frontman Psyched to Be in Benton, Illinois? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLAIM:
William Willy McGuinness, frontman for Celtic Punk band The Warm Pints, is psyched to be performing at a local bar in the town of Benton, Illinois.

RATING: FALSE

ORIGIN:
The claim originated from comments McGuinness made to a crowd of 18 gathered at Jacks Riot Shack, during a short pause after their penultimate song of the night, She Wrecked Me Like a Clipper Ship. The transcript is taken from the Facebook livestream:

I think I speak for the rest of the band when I say, blimey, we are just psyched to be here in Benton. We hail from Chicago, as you know, and theres just something so real about getting in the van and coming down to such a sick town like you got here. Just a bunch of real folks holding down a punk scene. Man, its just, man. Were psyched. Yeah. Okay.

In addition to the questionable statement that the band hails from Chicago (McGuinness lives in his mothers garage in Lake Forest, a wealthy suburb), the insistence that he was psyched to be in Benton is disproven by a preponderance of evidence.

The Cambridge English Dictionary defines psyched as an adjective in American slang, meaning excited as used in the following sentence: The Olympic sprinter was psyched to receive his gold medal. McGuinness appears to have been nothing of the sort.

The Instagram Story

McGuinness appeared far from excited in an Instagram story posted to his personal account mere hours before their set time. The post depicts The Warm Pints tour van with a flat rear tire above the following caption: guess were gonna be stuck in this piece of shit no-scene-having bumfuck town overnight, ugh kill me

Whistleblower

The bands former tour manager Brandon Nunez confirmed to our fact checkers that McGuinness spoke negatively of the show many weeks ahead of time.

I booked their whole tour of Illinois, Michigan, and Indiana before they fired me. Willy was pissed I couldnt get the band into any real cities like Minneapolis, meanwhile Im working with two casette singles and a Facebook page with 32 likes. Minneapolis? They can barely get a gig in their own city. I remember Willy specifically pointing to Benton and asking where the actual fuck is Benton? and saying something about how he might as well play for a pasture full of cows. Honestly, Im not even sure they could book that.

Due to social media evidence and strong eyewitness testimony, we rate this claim false.

The post...

17:34

This woman made a flowchart to explain mansplaining and it needs no explanation "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Kim Goodwin whos had it up to here with male colleagues asking her if something is mansplaining or not.

So much so that she decided to make a flowchart to helpfully explain exactly what it is, to share on Twitter (and presumably stick on the side of her desk).

Here it is.

And it obviously struck a chord because it went viral, shared by more than 50,000 people at the time of writing.

Except this person had a question.

17:16

This old Rik Mayall sketch is going viral because it sounds so much like a Boris Johnson Brexit speech "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

First came that old Fry and Laurie sketch that went viral because it basically summed up Brexit.

Now people are sharing this Alan BStard speech from the 1980s because it sounds just like Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg or any other Brexit loving politician you care to think of.

Have a watch for yourself.

Spot on, Rik Mayall! And another reminder of how much we miss him. Heres what people made of it online.

16:10

Man Replaces Ancient, Legendary Sword In Inventory With Ancienter, Legendarier Sword "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

SUNWELL PLATEAU, QuelDanas Eyewitnesses in the popular online multiplayer game World of Warcraft reported that local Human Paladin, Atherillon, managed to replace his current ancient and legendary sword with one thats both more and ancient and more legendary.

Guildmates of his told reporters that dating all the way back to the Battle for Mount Hyjal, Atherillon has been known to wield the Cataclysms Edge, widely believed to be the most powerful broadsword in all of Azeroth.

He got that drop after weeks of grinding Archimonde the Defiler, reported a Beastmaster Hunter guildie by the name of Helenhunt, I think he was pretty excited, but I dont really remember because at the time three or four dudes in the raid were telling me to turn off my pets Taunt or some bullshit.

Archimonde the Defiler is one of Sargeras Eredar Generals that command and oversee the Burning Legion on their path of conquest throughout the universe, so surely the Cataclysms Edge could not be matched by another weapon.

It wasnt until this evening when Atherillon brought his very important, very mythical sword down in one final killing blow on KilJaeden the Deceiver (the other of the two Eredar Generals that command and oversee the Burning Legion on their path of conquest throughout the universe) that he would discover Apolyon, The Soul-Render, a sword more ancient and legendary than previously thought possible.

The Vent call just blew up, I couldnt even hear what he was saying but there was a lot of yelling, reported Helenhunt.

Other raid members present at the time described him as feverishly excited to forever sheath the blade that had cleaved through an army of demons and Illidari warriors in favor of taking up what must definitely be a far more important and powerful sword. Shortly after, Atherillon sold his previous weapon at a local Inn.

Im really not sure what Im supposed to do with it, we were told by Allison, Innkeeper for the Gilded Rose in Stormwind and current owner of Cataclysms Edge, Atherillon burst in here and just plopped it down in front of me and he only asked for around 20 gold for it. I couldnt pass on a deal that good. This is the most ancient, legendary sword around.

The post Man Replaces Ancient, Legendary Sword In Inventory With Ancienter, Legendarier Sword appeared fir...

16:00

Doc Brown to feature on new 50 note "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Dr Emmet Doc Brown, the eminent scientist who proved that it is possible to travel back and forth in time in a souped-up sports car, has been chosen from a list of over 100,000 acclaimed scientists from around the world to appear on the new 50 note, the Bank of England has confirmed.

Doc Brown wasnt the only wide-eyed, deluded and insane scientist face nominated for the new banknote revealed Advisory Committee chair Jason Beesley but we reasoned he was the only face people wouldnt want to wipe their arse on. We are sure he will be a popular choice, not least with the young guy who left a 100 bet at 9000/1 with Ladbrokes in 1985 that he would appear on a bank note in 2019. How he came up with a prediction like that is anybodys guess.

15:45

Dude Somehow Finishes Last Place in Pit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NEW YORK Slam-dance amateur Conroy Walker somehow finished in last place in the pit at a Sick of it All show last Friday night, despite having no intention of competing, or even knowing that a contest was taking place, pit officials confirmed.

I just wanted to blow off some steam, said Walker, dumbstruck by his unknowingly poor performance. And then they tell me I finished last, which is so bizarre I mean, Ive lost bets and drinking contests, but Ive never lost in the pit. I dont want to sound cocky, but I thought I did OK in there I never got winded, and was barely touched.

As the last chord of the encore faded into background noise, witnesses report five guys who had been in the pit all night approached Walker. Referring to themselves as venerated Pit Elders, they informed the also-ran they were very disappointed in his performance.

We sat Conroy down at the bar, bought him a beer and deconstructed all his moves, said James Fuckface Gardner, a member of the Pit Elders since 93. At first, he was like, How can I be bad at something as crude and artless as fucking moshing? But after about 20 minutes, it looked like he was starting to get it.

With their esoteric terms and detailed analytics, the Elders are known as the scenes foremost experts on pit dynamics and moshing technique ultimately convincing Walker he truly showed an unequivocal lack of grace in the pit.

They had all these names for their moves in the pit, like pickin up change, said Walker. And they showed me, on my scorecard, that they deducted points from me for emo dancing or something, and for not participating in the glorious pile-on. It sounds like they really know their shit even if I still have no idea what any of it means.

For his lackluster showing, the Pit Elders deemed Walker unworthy of his Cro Mags shirt, forcing the failed mosher to forfeit it off his back and take the subway home naked from the waist up to reflect on how bad he is at being cool.

The post Dude Somehow Finishes Last Place in Pit appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:29

Air Force One Forced To Turn Back When It's Realized There's Nowhere To Land On North Sentinel "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

President Donald Trump was made to suffer further embarrassment this afternoon when, having taken to Airforce One, and flown to within 3 miles of North Sentinel, the flight had to turn back, when it was discovered the island had no international airp...

14:18

Theres a new meme on the block but he never texts you back the 25 hottest takes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Most have us have had that one person in our lives: doesnt text back, leaves you feeling drained, is ultimately very disappointing but enough about plumbers, because theres a new meme on the block and its everywhere you look. The key element is whether youre getting the attention you deserve, but its not how it first seems its much better.

1.

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4.

13:00

Zuckerberg sues UK government for disclosing his non-whereabouts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Founder and CEO of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg is to bring legal proceedings against the UK government for breaching personal data laws by non-consensual disclosure of his non-location. The odd-faced billionaire reacted with incredulity to the frivolous posting of a photograph by MPs and dignitaries revealing a seat at the hearing where he should have been sitting.

An assistant to the assistant of an assistant near an assistant of an assistant related to an assistant of Mr Zuckerberg, responded: Mr Zuckerberg takes the subject of personal data privacy very seriously. He wishes it to be known that he is within his rights to publicly self-disclose his own location, it was not within the parameters of the hearings jurisdiction to disclose where Mr Zuckerberg was not. Shame on them. Sad face and thumb-down emojis.

12:56

This woman owned a creepy DM sex pest in the best way "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For some reason, theres a subset of the male internet community who think its okay to pester women, no matter how politely or impolitely theyve been told to get lost or something stronger. Cartoonist @imemi recently demonstrated a way of turning an unwanted and decidedly creepy message from a sex pest into a perfect teaching opportunity. This is how it unfolded.

Mr Anonymous made a really gross request.


Emi decided to make the most of the opportunity.

First, she allowed him to set the price.

12:02

People are sharing Beatles songs for millennials and they are funny and very clever our 27 favourites "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its 50 years since the Beatles White Album came out so these people thought theyd do this.

And it took off. Like, it really took off. And here are 27 of the funniest (and cleverest).

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3.

4.

11:41

Donald Trump on global warming is even scarier when you read his answer in full "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You probably have a good idea what Donald Trump thinks about global warming but it really is worth reading this answer from a Washington Post interview in full.

The question was put by the papers Josh Dawsey and Trumps response is, well, have a read for yourself.


...

11:09

This womans petty prank on her ex has gone viral because its just glorious "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Break-ups can be difficult, but some people manage to be mature about it and remain on civil terms. One Twitter user, @heyqueenregina was good enough to allow her former girlfriend to carry on using her Netflix account up to a point.

The original tweet has been shared more than 33,000 times, with people being totally there for @heyqueenreginas pettiness.

11:06

Simply 4 minutes of brilliantly funny moments from 25 years of Vic and Bob "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer are back with another big night out on BBC4 at 10pm on Wednesday night.

To celebrate, the BBC put together a montage of highlights from their 25 years with the BBC and it could be the best four minutes you spend today.

And heres what people were saying about it.

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