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Monday, 18 September


Dersim to Secede from Dersim out of Frustration "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


THE CITY THAT KNOWS NOT ITS OWN NAME Were doing it, kirwe, said Ali Mehmet, puffing on his Laz Marlboro, its really happening this time.

Youre joking, abi, exclaimed Mehmet Ali, his younger friend.

May there be Dzgn Baba, kirwe.

The Maoists, Dersims favourite tourist attraction, are hurriedly preparing for the upcoming independence referendum, in which Dersim will vote on whether to secede from itself, owing to the latters failure to defend the regions supposedly long-standing aspiration for freedom from the Turkish Republic which presently occupies it.

Dersim can never advance towards socialism so long as its still full of Dersimliler, explained Dilan Akda, a local DHF member, to our corespondent. Our people deserve better than to have to live under the oppression of the fascist Kemalist state that we routinely affirm our loyalty to with CHP votes.

The campaign has won widespread acceptance from the largely apathetic population, with the most significant voice of criticism coming from the post-DevYol grouplets Halkevleri and Kaldra, local members of which have been meeting with one another to coordinate for the no campaign.

Everyone attacks us as Kemalists, but our concern here is very genuinely socialist, explained Fatma...


Moment Jeremy Corbyn shut out Piers Morgan goes viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Piers Morgan was in the Mail on Sunday talking about the GQ awards and the moment he tried to interrupt a conversation between Jeremy Corbyn and Arsenals Spanish footballer, Hector Bellerin.

Heres what happened.

The story has gone viral on Twitter, shared more than 6,000 times and liked 17,000.


Latest Trump-Tweet Orders Dreamers, Trans, & Lingering Burning Man Participants To Erect Border Wall "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nogales, AZAn angry Tweet from Donald Trump has enslaved thousands of snowflake liberals for the single purpose of building his promised border wall. The President told the press today, I said the Mexicans would pay for the wall and clearly some of the folks we detained this week are pretty brown, really brown people. Sure, some are just tan because we picked them


Lewis Hamilton goes vegan to help save the planet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Racing car driver Lewis Hamilton is going vegan to help save the planet, reports the BBC.

So far I dont feel as if I have been missing out. But I dont know how easy it is going to be when I get home. That is going to be a real test.

To which came this immaculate reply.

The post Lewis Hamilton goes vegan to help save the planet appeared first on The Poke.


Ryanair update their refund form after all those flight cancellations "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In the wake of industrial-scale flight cancellations, Europes biggest airline has updated it refund application form.

The post Ryanair update their refund form after all those flight cancellations appeared first on The Poke.


Watch 3 Hollywood legends take down Donald Trump "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Shame the Emmys audience was a little bit ahead of them (but you can probably see it coming too).


The post Watch 3 Hollywood legends take down Donald Trump appeared first on The Poke.


Justice Dept. to crack down on pumpkin spice "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Justice Dept. puts pumpkin spice in its crosshairs.


Bad day? This compilation of Sean Bean saying bastard will help "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Which bastards your favourite?

Must have been a right bastard to put together.


Why Sean Bean must die in everything he is in


The post Bad day? This compilation of Sean Bean saying bastard will help appeared first on The Poke.


Kim Yong-un photo looks like lost Pink Floyd cover "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It really does.

Here it is, with added artwork.

Delicate sound of rockets. Thats good but is it the best? Share your suggestion in the comments.



Is this the most northern sandwich ever? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its the sandwich of the week at the New Cake and Sandwich Shop in Hyde and its a bit of a monster.

The cafes co-owner Samantha Mitchell told the Manchester Evening News:

I do prefer the bizarre sandwiches and Id heard of the Wigan kebab but decided to give it a twist a bit more so I decided with the chips and mushy peas.

Customers reactions have been fantastic. Obviously its not everyones choice.

At only 3 including gravy we cant think of a better carbs for quids option.

But the most northern sandwich ever, as some have suggested?


The post Is this the most northern sandwich ever? appeared first on The Poke.


Danny Glover Debuts Rap Career as Fatherly Gambino "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOS ANGELES Legendary actor Danny Glover debuted his long-awaited rap alter ego Fatherly Gambino early last week, according to reports from Twitter spelled out in fire emojis.

The rap game is about to change Fatherly Gambino is about to drop a fire mixtape on all ur azzes, tweeted TheDev__420, who saw Glover debut as Fatherly Gambino on Thursday.

Glover claimed the move was out of necessity.

I want to excite a younger audience who may not know my earlier work, and these millennials keep tweeting at me, asking when my next album is going to drop, Glover said, holding a diamond necklace in the shape of Jigsaw. I assumed they meant recordings of my speeches on civil rights and activism, but they were insistent I make rap music. Im hoping people will finally stop confusing me with that guy from Community.

While the Community actor in question, Donald Glover, is much younger, the two are often mistaken in real-world conversation and Twitter @replies. You wouldnt believe how many death threats I got when people thought I was playing Spider Man, said the elder Glover, of no relation to Donald Glover. Most of them were hand delivered, too. Its hard being friends with Mel Gibson.

Despite the excitement from many music fans, some were skeptical.


Ive been a fan of Danny Glover forever, but I just cannot see him as a rapper. Hes simply too old for this shit, said rap historian Jeremy Walsh as he patted himself on the back.

In addition to his work as Fatherly Gambino, Glover is planning to pen a dramatic series with undertones of social commentary.

Its about a town in Georgia where my mother grew up, Glover said. Its something Ive thought about doing for a long time. The TV landscape has changed so much; I think executives would allow me the creative control I need.

While the full Fatherly Gambino album is not set...


The noise this penguin makes falling over is us most of the time "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


The post The noise this penguin makes falling over is us most of the time appeared first on The Poke.


Faceswapping Justin Trudeau with Theresa May gives you an 80s era Gary Numan "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theresa May is in Canada to discuss plans for a post-Brexit trade deal, and this faceswap of her and Justin Trudeau results in him looking like a 1980s synth-pop star.

Are Friends Electric? The one on the left is certainly a robot

The post Faceswapping Justin Trudeau with Theresa May gives you an 80s era Gary Numan appeared first on The Poke.


Frankie Boyle has written about nuclear war and its required reading "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Frankie Boyle has written about nuclear war over on Facebook and theres lots to enjoy, even when hes contemplating an impending apocalypse.

And here it is in full.

Its impossible to imagine what its like to be killed in a nuclear explosion, but that doesnt mean we shouldnt try. I think it will probably involve being blasted over quite a large distance, and at a surprising height, while simultaneously having all your skin burnt off.

I know we think of it as being an instant death, but theres every chance that there will be a few seconds where youll be sailing out of your local school catchment area, at a height of about a hundred feet or so, as some sort of screaming skeleton. Maybe you will get to see your family melt before the blast picks you up, and your final memory will be of their faces devolving into cubism. Or maybe its more like being smashed to pieces by a wave of rubble. After all those years of driving into town to go to work, or go shopping, your city centre will finally be coming to you, moving at several thousand miles an hour, and hotter than Venus in July.

Donald Trump got himself into yet another war of words with North Korea after they test fired a missile that went over Japan. In a war of words you do not want to be on Trumps side: a man who speaks like hes on shuffle and has a smaller vocabulary than an upturned calculator. Its incredible to see the US take the moral high ground about, of all things, nuking Japan. Bear in mind that Japan a country that specialises in wooden buildings with paper walls. Its odd to think that as millions of people hunkered down in their paper houses during a potential nuclear attack, they were still safer than the many thousands of people in the UK living in high rise social housing.

Trump is like a fat bee bashing around inside a greenhouse repeatedly failing to understand why the world doesnt work as he thought it did. The chances of this unrepentant lunatic starting World War III are surely very high. Often, when I hear Trump talk even the most egregious garbage about wanting to strip people of their healthcare, or exile children, Im actually just glad that hes talking about the future, weighing his words like I would those of a possible suicide. This is a man who obsesses over winning, and uses success as his single metric for evaluating humanity, who has become the key player in a game which it is impossible too win.

Who would win in an all out conflict with North Korea? My best guess is a guy in Tokyo who knows how to catch and roast rats, who owns a shopping trolley and has t...


Naming your pets honestly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The perfect name for any cat or small dog.

That said, this one works for most cats

The post Naming your pets honestly appeared first on The Poke.


There wont be a better reaction to not winning an award than this one "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Best moment of the Emmys.

Its Jackie Hoffman and as you can probably tell by now, she lost out to fellow nominee, Laura Dern, at last nights Emmys.

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!


James Corden gets hard time for cosying up to Sean Spicer at the Emmys


The post There wont be a better reaction to not winning an award than this one appeared first on The Poke.


Scary Clowns make a Resurgence - Seen stalking the halls of Whitehouse "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Codenamed by the FBI as Buffoon Clown Axis of Evil, they are considered World Public Enemy Number 1 according to a report by every security and policing agency in the US and the EU. Buffoon Clown Axis of Evil are wanted for crimes against humanity...


10 responses to make you feel better about Boris Johnson "IndyWatch Feed Satire"







Leaked: Trumps notes for his speech to the United Nations tomorrow "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump is to make his first speech before UN General Assembly tomorrow, and if these leaked notes are anything to go by, the attendees are in for a treat

The post Leaked: Trumps notes for his speech to the United Nations tomorrow appeared first on The Poke.


Half of all boxing photos look like gay weddings "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

How did we never spot this before?

Which got us thinking, which of these is a boxing photo and which is a gay wedding?

Big fight or wedding night?








If theres a better chatshow entrance than Nicolas Cage on Wogan, wed like to see it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Seriously though, if youve got a better one, please share it.

Love Wogans response.

Well understatements the watchword tonight.

And here is his whole appearance. He appears a tiny bit distracted.


The post If theres a better chatshow entrance than Nicolas Cage on Wogan, wed like to see it appeared first on The Poke.


People are giving James Corden a hard time for cosying up to Sean Spicer at the Emmys "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

People werent happy with former Donald Trump mouthpiece Sean Spicers comedy appearance at the Emmy awards.

And they were especially unhappy with this picture of James Corden giving the king of alternative facts a big kiss on the cheek.

Heres how people responded online.






Jack White Diagnosed With Early Onset Johnny Depp "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NASHVILLE, Tenn. Famed musician Jack White was diagnosed with early onset Johnny Depp yesterday following a routine check up, according to friends and family.

His facial hair changed, and suddenly he was even more egotistical than normal, said longtime family friend Craig Harbart. When he started carrying around a small dog in a $25,000 satchel, I feared the worst.

According to medical experts, Johnny Depp is socio-degenerative condition disproportionately affecting celebrities, slowly increasing their insufferability with age.

Due to the stigma surrounding Johnny Depp, most individuals dont discuss the disease publicly, said Dr. Lena Harris, a pioneering researcher in the Johnny Depp field. Early symptoms tend to develop in middle age, and can include excessive displays of scarves, jewelry, and black clothing. From there, patients may make dick-ish comments in public, buy eccentric homes, or appropriate Native American culture.

A network of friends and family have supported White as he comes to terms with his diagnosis. Both of Whites ex-wives have hosted separate, poorly attended charity fundraisers, while members of Third Man Vault, Whites official record club, now wear red headbands in solidarity.


Jack is currently on a regimen of 30 clove cigarettes a day, said ex-wife and primary care giver Karen Elson. Its still a lot, but the doctor says this is to avoid shocking Jacks system. We need to fight Johnny Depp slowly. Well start with the cigarettes, then Hunter S. Thompson books, and move on to gypsy jazz guitar. From there, Jack should make a full recovery and transition back to his normal life.

Doctors have instructed White to remain at his home in Nashville with only his acetate records, old-timey photo booths, and James Browns 1974 drivers license to entertain him.

Its good that we caught the disease so early, said Dr. Harris. With treatment, we should be able to stop it before it develops into full-blown Steven Tyler.

Take a trip over to our virtual merch ta...


This Archie comic strip suggests that girls start a sex work union "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You can find some gems in old Archie comics. In this one, the girls start a sex work union. says @Juanitamcritch over on Twitter.

Well get all the girls together and charge the guys for our dates!


Like an organised union?

Also enjoyed these replies:

Source: Twitter/@juanitamcritch

The post This Archie comic strip suggests that girls start a sex work union appeared first on The Poke.


I own the van and my mum washes the kit, Rooney reminds team-mates "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Wayne Rooney has provided a timely reminder to fellow Manchester United players of his value to the team, following his appearance on the subs bench last weekend and ongoing speculation that he is out of favour with new manager Jose Mourinho.

Out of interest, how are you guys getting to Stoke next weekend? Rooney asked a crowded dressing room after Saturday comfortable win over Leicester City. Obviously, I usually take us in my Ford Transit. Nice and warm in there with the underseat heating, we can crank up the tunes on the stereo, but it does kinda depend on whether Im actually playing.

I guess little Marcus Rashford could take you all, continued Rooney. Oh, except he hasnt taken his driving test yet, has he? Zlatan could drive you in his Volvo, but itll mean a few trips. A real selection dilemma for the boss, isnt it? Oh and Chris, give my love to your granny wont you? Never mind why, just do it.

Might as well take your dirty kit home with you too today, added Rooney, pursing his lips. My mum wont be able to wash it anymore, if Im not involved. I love those Summer Fresh conditioner tablets shes been using recently, dont you? Wont matter so much for you Pogba, as you dont make any tackles, but for everyone else well, Im sure youll sort something out.

Rooney also announced that a number of other team activities could be under threat if he wasnt playing. These include his popular annual trip to Chessington Wold of Adventure, regular sleepovers and playdates at his house and his legendary funded trips to the sweet shop near their Carrington training ground, nicknamed Wagon Wheels with Wayne by fellow players.

Jose Mourinho responded by suggesting that Rooney needs to adapt to the inexorable passage of years and expand his portfolio of activities. If he wants to continue to pull in a big salary he needs to take on more media work, perhaps? suggested the Special One. A legend from Merseyside, interested in dough and making a decent crust, still good in short bursts for an hour a week during the Autumn season? I hear the Great British Bake Off may have some opportunities.


Susanna Reid owning Piers Morgan will make your Monday better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With a question like that he was probably asking for it. And he got it.

Its reassuring to know that even in these troubled times, some things can still bring the nation together.

Maybe this is the sort of exchange she was thinking about.


Watch every time Susanna Reid takes down Piers Morgan


The post Susanna Reid owning Piers Morgan will make your Monday better appeared first on The Poke.


This Spy Who Loved Me poster from Ghana is how all James Bond posters should look "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

@Pulplibrarian over on Twitter has shared a brilliant James Bond poster:

The car is amazing! notes @Thefreedom35s.

Bond is often criticised as formulaic but it was brave of the producers to make the main villain a fish. says @Mrchris_t.

The artist clearly wrote you before scrubbing it out and overwriting with me says @Cyberbloke.

And a quick photoshop to see how that looks in the film:

Source: Twitter/@PulpLibrarian<

The post This Spy Who Loved Me poster from Ghana is how all James Bond posters should look appeared first on The Poke.


This letter nails why the younger generation are screwed with housing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

@Peterstefanovi2 over on Twitter has spotted this great letter and says, If you only read one thing today make it this.

Tell me about it. I doubt Ill ever own a home and will end up throwing money away on rent. Guess I should stop eating that avocado toast writes @Femalephilomath.

House my parents bought in 1976 should be worth 85,000 according to Bank Of England inflation calc. Its actually 900k. Young being shafted writes @Joezblair.

Also exacerbated by private landlords buying up 1000s of properties to rent out, we have become a nation of magnolia walls & brown carpet says @Smiffytheforce.

Source: Twitter/@PeterStefanovi2

The post This letter nails why the younger generation are screwed with housing appeared first on The Poke.


Oddest moment at the Emmys Sean Spicer does a Sean Spicer impression "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

How too soon is this? About 100 years too soon? Former Donald Trump mouthpiece Sean Spicer you remember makes a joke of himself at the Emmys on Sunday night.

Were with you, Melissa McCarthy, who did that impression of him on Saturday Night Live. Two fingers.

And these people.


10 tips to improve your life #159 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Together with Twop Twips we present you with another ten totally useless tips to help you live your life to the full.








Elon Musk To Fix South Australias Soft Serve Machines While Hes At It "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Another week and another big announcement from business magnate and entrepreneur Elon Musk. After pledging to solve South Australias energy crisis, Musk has now taken up the challenge of solving the Soft Serve problem at Mcdonalds across the free settler state. I understand that here in Australia you guys cant seem []

The post Elon Musk To Fix South Australias Soft Serve Machines While Hes At It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Michael Cheika asks rhinos to grant David Pocock a sabbatical "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Coach Michael Cheika travelled to the plains of Zimbabwe over the weekend to personally ask a crash of local rhinoceroses to grant flanker-turned-conservationist David Pocock a sabbatical from his work there to rejoin the Wallabies squad in time for the next test match in Bloemfontein. Facing the Springboks in a race to the bottom, []

The post Michael Cheika asks rhinos to grant David Pocock a sabbatical appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Local Girl Finally Bites The Bullet And Checks Damage To Bank Account After Weekend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a big hit-out over the weekend, local Betoota event planner, Casey Lee (24) has finally stopped putting of the inevitable, and checked her bank account. The only thing worse than checking the actual amount in my bank account is pretending nothing is wrong and having my card decline at woolies she []

The post Local Girl Finally Bites The Bullet And Checks Damage To Bank Account After Weekend appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Abbott Spotted Outside His Daughters House Spraying Hose Into Australia Post Box "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Prime Minister and current face of the Australian No Campaign Tony Abbott has been photographed today spraying a hose into a post box out front of his daughters house in suburban Melbourne. It is believed the staunch Catholic member for Waringah was attempted to damage and destroy his daughters survey response []

The post Abbott Spotted Outside His Daughters House Spraying Hose Into Australia Post Box appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Local Neurosurgeon Says He Still Hasnt Mastered Cutting A Mango Up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular young neurosurgeon at Betoota Private Hospital has spoken of the difficulty he faces in cutting up mangoes, saying its often easier to cut up someones head. Brendan Windsor [pictured with parrot], explained to The Advocate that he either leaves too much flesh on the seed or ends up []

The post Local Neurosurgeon Says He Still Hasnt Mastered Cutting A Mango Up appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Brisbanes Drunken Assaults Halved By Hiring Official Referees For Valley Cab Ranks "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT FORGET the lock-out laws, forget the ID scanners the key to lowering drunken assaults in premier Queensland nightlife strips is to provide a safe space for macho Australians with poor emotional intelligence to punch on face to face. Its just one of the new measures to be trialled by the State []

The post Brisbanes Drunken Assaults Halved By Hiring Official Referees For Valley Cab Ranks appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Watching Slayer Live Gave Me the Courage to Tell My Girlfriend I Sacrificed Her Cat to Satan "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Music sets you free. Its like an enema for your soul. I know that sounds like lame hippie shit, but its true. I felt it on Saturday when I saw Slayer live. Hearing Kerry King and Gary Holt shred their fingers on Angel of Death gave me the courage to finally man up and tell my girlfriend Sheila what happened to her cat.

I havent had the heart to tell Sheila that I sacrificed Mr. Whiskers to my Lord Satan. Instead, Ive spent the last three weeks putting up flyers for her missing calico. I keep trying to find the right time to take her aside and tell her how he died with dignity, but the courage has escaped me. I want to tell her how he gazed silently at me with his pleading eyes as I carved his heart out with the sharpened tip of a rams horn, I really do. But whenever the time seems right, Ive chickened out.

I didnt have the guts to tell her about any of this until Slayer showed me the way. Listening to their brutal thrash reminded me that I have a duty as a loving boyfriend and devout Satanist to always be honest about my blasphemous transgressions.

Related: Its Been Six Days And Sleep Are Still Playing (Please Send Food)

As the band tore through South Of Heaven, I pictured how I was going to tell her. I couldnt leave any details out, it wouldnt be right. She needs to know how cute Mr. Whiskers sounded when he tried meowing along to our black mass chants right before we crushed his windpipe.

She has a right to know about the foul homunculi who were brought to life by Satans magick, and how they licked her cats blood off the cavern floor like honey. Ill always remember the slurping sounds they made as they wet their rows of serrated sharks teeth with Mr. Whiskers vital essence, and soon this image will be ingrained in Sheilas mind forever too.

By the time Slayer was playing Raining Blood for their encore, I had already texted Sheila a picture of the altar we made out of Mr. Whiskers gutted corpse. It felt so good to get this secret off my chest! Its going to be weird at home for a bit, but well work through this. Everything is gonna fine so long as she doesnt find out what I did to Admiral Woof Woof.


QUIZ: Are You Smart Enough to Enjoy the Subtle Intricacies in Rick and Morty, Like Me? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Rick and Morty is one of the most popular shows on television right now, which is surprising because I am one of the only people in the entire world who is smart enough to understand the jokes told in it.

Do you have what it takes to join my ranks? (You dont) 
Take the quiz and find out!

Question 1:

When Rick creates a robot that can only pass butter, you laughed. But do you even know what it is a reference to?

The fact that existence is pain and we all fit into our slave roles in the pathetic universe we call society, as described by Karl Marx in one of his many books that most people have never heard of.

Isaac Asimovs rules of robotics. When Rick says you and me both, he is referring to the idea that we all must follow the basic rules set out for us by our masters.

The sick reality that we force those weaker than us to serve us the stolen materials from animals that we slaughter in factory farmsa fact that very few people know about because they are too stupid to open their eyes.

I do not know. I only laughed because I wanted you to like me. I have always looked up to you and admired your obviously superior intelligence.

Question 2:

I heard you say Wubba lubba dub dub! to one of your friends the other day. Do you even know what that means?

Wubba lubba dub dub! It i...


Erwin Schrdinger named Crystal Palace manager "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Famous quantum physicist Erwin Schrdinger has been named the new manager of Crystal Palace football club, their fifth in less than a year.

The surprise choice explained his strategy in a hastily convened press conference. The very act of observing something changes the thing observed, he explained. Until observed, the thing exists simultaneously in all possible states.

I would therefore recommend Palace fans simply dont check the score after games, especially the next few against Man Utd, Man City and Chelsea. In this way, the possibility of Palace having won, or at least not embarrassed themselves, continues to exist. Its thought that many Palace fans have already adopted this strategy.

However, some sceptics insist that Palace will still have lost, whether individual fans check the result or not, and that in any case the unbearable smugness of Chelsea fans in particular will be impossible to avoid.

Schrdinger then tried another tack, saying that every possible result exists simultaneously somewhere in the multiverse, and there is a universe somewhere in which Palace have made a confident start to the season and now look unstoppable favourites to win the League. Its just a shame this isnt the universe they show on Match of the Day.



Confused Millennials Gather Around Post Box Not Sure How To Post SSM Survey "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hundreds of thousands of baffled young people are currently standing around little red post boxes all over Australia not sure how to post the letter containing their SSM survey.

Theres a slot on the front of it that must be some kind of ventilation system but nothing for me to press to send my form, said beard trimmer mechanic Kelvin Prendergast.

I sent my form off hours ago and havent got a single like yet or one solitary pink heart even, said avocado grader Alex Willoughby, staring plaintively at the slot in the post box.

Im guessing this works on face recognition technology like the new i-phone but Ive been smashing my head into it for hours and it still wont open, said Ellen Ainsworth, unemployed.

I went to visit my grandpa to ask his advice on how to mail a letter but as usual he just ran me off his property with his shotgun and accused me of wanting to murder him so I could get his house, said Christopher Maclean, unemployed.

I think it might be some kind of tap and go system, but to be sure Ive walked all over the neighbourhood and tapped my survey on several of these boxes, said apprentice selfie stick whittler Angela Agos...


Donald Trumps weirdest tweet yet hitting Hillary Clinton with a golf ball "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Wed call it peak Donald Trump but we know better than that, after the so-called president shared a mocked-up video of him hitting Hillary Clinton with a golf ball.

Heres what he retweeted.

And the video in full.

Just the president of the free world condoning violence against women. Or big LOLs. Depending on your point of view.

We tend towards this one.

Or this.

Or indeed this.


Sunday, 17 September


Elderly spoof writer "mis-under estimates" entire generation! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I have found that in my spoof writing that I have been particularly harsh when it comes to the generation known as...millennials. Yes, I have also spoofed my own generation but I suspect it has been with a much lighter tone and a more generous demean...


Its now official: Boris Johnson is talking b-llocks "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Official confirmation came through today of what we already knew Boris Johnson talks bollocks.

It came from the chair of the UK statistics authority who are we to doubt him after the foreign secretary revived that 350m EU/NHS nonsense on the front of the Telegraph.

And heres what it says, just in case you cant read it.

Dear Foreign Secretary

I am surprised and disappointed that you have chosen to repeat the figure of 350m per week, in connection with the amount that might be available for extra public spending when we leave the European Union.

This confuses gross and net contributions. It also assumes that payments currently made to the UK by the EU, including for example for the support of agriculture and scientific research, will not be paid by the UK government when we leave.

It is a clear misuse of official statistics.

Yours sincerely

Sir David Norgrove

Heres that Telegraph front page, in case you missed it.

And here was Vince Cables response.

Something tells us this might not be the end of it.


BBC gives Boris Johnson a reality check. Heres what they found

The post...


This really did just happen on CNN "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I believe in two things the first amendment and boobs.

In case youre wondering, hes Clay Travis, a Fox Sports commentator and vocal conservative.

He wasnt exactly apologetic on Twitter.

And heres presenter, Brooke Baldwin.

2017, ladies and gentlemen!


The post This really did just happen on CNN appeared first on The Poke.


Insane Clown Posse March Boycotted By Intersectional Juggalos "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON The Insane Clown Posses planned march on Washington D.C. to protest the federal classification of Juggalos as a gang was boycotted by intersectional Juggalos gross lack of representation of disenfranchised Juggalos, according to official sources.

This is about more than the common Juggalo issues, like gang declassification, legalizing recreational nitrous, and keeping schools out of our neighborhoods, Erin Hatchet Psycho-Killa Swann, one of the boycotts organizers, said between hits of PCP-flavored vape. What about groups like the Detroit Juggalos, looking for work after the JNCO factory closed? Parachute pants and chain wallets are all thats holding up the Juggalo economy. Also, drugs.

Representatives from the infamous 2011 Juggalo sit-in, Occupy (My) Ballz Street, touched on the importance of socialized public policies within the Juggalo lifestyle.

Its about equal rights for all, said Betsy Murdah-Vomit-Killah-Faygo-Whoopwhoop-696969 Greenfield. Im talking, clean drinking Faygo out of every faucet. Equal opportunity hiring practices for those with facial tattoos. More rap-metal representation in media. The list goes on.


Fundraising from both events will largely go to Plizzanned Parent-Whoop, an organization that provides basic Juggalo necessities, including free access to face paint and classes for baby-proofing Insane Clown Posse merchandise collections.

The Insane Clown Posse themselves weighed in on the plans for the march and subsequent boycott.

We want to reiterate that this is not a party, Violent J said. This is a political demonstration. So if youre serious about our cause, make a sign, show up early, hit up a face painting stationrefreshments are in the backand Vanilla Ice will be performing on the Wicked Clown stage at 3 p.m.

If you do not have a VIP wristband, you will not have access to the DJ booth, added Shaggy 2 Dope. But there will be raffles for VIP passes and other fun prizes every hour.

Visit our online merch table:


London reels from another Trump tweet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A manhunt is underway for the individual who left an unexploded piece of bullshit on social media. Security services say that the makeshift tweet had all the hallmarks of a homemade turd and that devastation could have been far worse if Mr Trump had been armed with a dictionary or a modicum of wit.

Police say someone had left a White House laptop unattended, causing commuters in the vicinity of Parsons Green station to run for cover at the first sound of a keyboard being tapped. Subsequently other cities are on high alert, with the public warned to be vigilant for Trump on Instagram, Grindr and Mumsnet.

MI5 feel confident they have identified the owner of the tweet by his signature The Donald and the phrase bigly terrorist. Meanwhile Prime Minister, Theresa May, spent the evening exploring her options with COBRA and a range of other beers.

Trump is known for his Eastern European connections and links to religious fundamentalists like Fox News. A Home Office spokeswoman confirmed: Mr Trump could strike again at any time. We consider him to be less of a lone wolf and more of a solo shih tzu.


SHOW REVIEW: I Cant Thank Anal Cunt Enough for Introducing Me to 311 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I used to think I knew what real punk was but it turns out I had no idea. Back in the day you would find me every weekend either crowdkilling at a Pig Destroyer show or pig destroying at a Crowdkiller show. Crowdkiller, for those who dont know, were a goregrind band who played exclusively in slaughterhouses. So fucking raw.

No one could tell me anything about REAL punk. That was until I saw Anal Cunt and they played their best song 311 Sucks!! It was the greatest song I had ever heard and it blew my mind to discover it was an abridged cover of Down by 311. Did this mean that maybe Down itself was a great song? Was Anal Cunt, the band who embodies everything that is punk, is wrong about 311?

Does 311 actually suck? Or are they secretly a punk band even greater than Anal Cunt? Ive wondered for years. When I learned 311 was playing in my area, I knew I had to check it out.  

On the night of the show I had to stab multiple security guards to get into the venue (an arena, not a basement like I had envisioned) without paying. When 311 hit the stage the energy in the building was electric. Singer Nick Hexum was wearing his trademark Clash shirt, 311s punk cred was already rising in my mind. I hoped they might cover an AC classic like Domestic Violence is Really Really Really Funny.

I made my way toward the stage and eyed up the other guys in the pit. Most of them were pretty jacked and wearing baggy football or basketball jerseys. It looked more like a Madball show than an AC show, but I could still tell it was gonna go off.

Related: Its Been Six Days And Sleep Are Still Playing (Please Send Food)

311 hit the first note of their dreamy reggae ballad Amber and from that point on the PIT. WAS. LIT! Punches were being thrown (by me, mostly), and I was surprised to find myself caught in the craziest, brutalist, bloodiest mosh Id ever seen. It took a minute but soon the punches were coming back my way. These bros knew how to fucking rock!  A few of the bros seemed to be targeting me in the pit, though.

Actually all of them were....


Sonic the Hedgehog Visits Sick DeviantArt User for Make-A-Wish to Tell Him His OC is Canon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

OSWEGO, N.Y. Sonic the Hedgehog honored the Make-A-Wish request of 13-year-old DeviantArt regular Jake Applebaum, declaring his self-created character Jake the Hedgehog part of the official Sonic universe, creating an exciting and uplifting feeling around a local hospital today.

Applebaum, who was diagnosed with leukemia at age 10, said his one wish before dying was to share his own original character with Sonic.

I never knew my dad, so when I was a kid, I started thinking about what would happen if Sonic was my dad, said Applebaum, who is known on DeviantArt as frequent and passionate fan-artist FrostKitsune32817. And now he basically is.

According to Jakes family, Sonic wasnt able to stay at the suburban residence for long, but he stuck around long enough to look at several of Jakes drawings of Jake the Hedgehog, and learn all about him from the best source possible: the lucky young enthusiast himself.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

I got to tell him all about Jakes powers, like his super fire claws, and how he turns into a black wolf that wants to be alone when hes sad, Applebaum said. He said Jake the Hedgehogs other traits include red and green fur in flame patterns, a love for slushies and cuddling, and a healthy relationship with Christ.

I have a lot more fanart to draw now, Jake said after being told his character might join Knuckles and Tails in an episode of the animated series Sonic Boom.

I also sent some story notes along with thirty drawings to the writers about what a possible romance between Amy Rose and Jake would look like he added.

A statement from Make-A-Wish said that the organization was very pleased with the outcome of the meeting, which reportedly went...


Phish Manager Asks Fans Not to Tap on Glass Tour Bus Windows "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

AUBURN HILLS, Mich. Phish manager Coran Capshaw desperately pleaded with enthusiastic Phish fans last night to stop tapping on the glass tour bus windows and startling the inebriated musicians, according to sources close to the band.

Although the tapping seemed harmless from the outside, Capshaw said, the reverberations within the bus were especially loud and caused significant distress for the delicate jam band pioneers.

The band is incredibly high right now, and the noise is really freaking them out, he said. You may observe the guys from a respectful distance, but please, do not make any loud noises. Phish tends to startle easily.

The stoned-to-the-bone musicians were peacefully moving from one end of the tour bus to the other, according to security cam footage, mindlessly opening and closing their mouths and softly bumping into the seats when fans spotted the parked bus. After several minutes passed without the band acknowledging the fans presence, they began tapping the glass to encourage Phish to do something already.

Theyre just kinda floating around in there. Its so boring, said Phish superfan Skye Bronstein. I figured, if I tap on the glass, they might pick up a guitar and start jamming or something. But instead, they just stared at me, or hid behind their bubblers.

After the eager fans left, a distraught Capshaw espoused the difficulties of managing the band.


Most people think this is easy, but its so much work taking care of Phish. You have to feed them, get them fresh water, make sure they have lots of cool stuff in the bus to look at it doesnt end said Capshaw, taking a break from rinsing the buss air filters. If their environment isnt just right, it can be very damaging for their well-being.

Despite Capshaws best efforts, the stress of the incident was too much for guitarist Trey Anastasio.

We found him this morning belly-up on top of the bus, Capshaw said. He was just sleeping, but still not a good night for the band.

Want to s...


Hawking: Creation of daytime TV had nothing to do with Lorraine Kelly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Professor Stephen Hawking has sparked controversy by declaring that he no longer believes that Lorraine Kelly had anything to do with the creation of daytime TV.

Professor Hawking, has set out his theory that daytime television will go on expanding forever and was created far earlier than 1993 as originally thought, and that its inception was a completely random event and had nothing to do with the existence of Lorraine Kelly.

Spontaneous drivel is the reason there is something, rather than nothing, on television every day before Countdown, Hawking says in his latest book, Why Grand Designs?. It is not necessary to invoke Lorraine Kelly to explain why this is. If you want evidence that daytime television is random and meaningless, just look at Jeremy Kyle or that godawful show with the antiques in peoples lofts.

Hawkings view has angered religious leaders and television viewers. If you dont believe in Lorraine Kelly, how do you explain Christine Bleakley? said the Chief Rabbi, Jonathan Sacks. There must be some moderately intelligent design behind all this. It cant be coincidence, it just cant.


Yep, that pretty much sums it up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


The post Yep, that pretty much sums it up appeared first on The Poke.


"IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Gary Lineker has been busy owning Piers Morgan on Twitter again after people made not entirely flattering comparisons between the Good Morning Britain presenter and that enormous fat ball in Londons sewers.

Which got us thinking


11 times Gary Lineker owned Piers Morgan on Twitter


BBC gives Boris Johnsons 350m claim a reality check. Heres what they found "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With Boris Johnson reviving his 350m EU/NHS claim this time without the bus the BBC decided to run a reality check on the figures.

This is what they found.

And heres how they did it.

Others put it in slightly stronger terms.

And more memorable.

Just in case you missed that Boris Johnson front page.




Please keep your eye on the minion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Watch the minion.


The post Please keep your eye on the minion appeared first on The Poke.


Heres Andy Gray and Richard Keys being extremely politically incorrect "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This could be the former Sky Sports pair at their most politically incorrect yet.

When [Tony] Blair was prime minister was that Seventies? Eighties?

Er, eighties/nineties. Eighties.



The post Heres Andy Gray and Richard Keys being extremely politically incorrect appeared first on The Poke.


Trendy Local Cafe Owner Spends Morning Milking His Almond Trees "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Danny Jogmann opened the Tungen Min Rvhul cafe in Betootas Old City district last summer and since then, the Danish-inspired eatery has become a local institution among the citys cultural elite. Offering traditional Danish foodstuffs like beer, chocolate, cigarettes and beer, Jogmann says business is booming but that doesnt mean []

The post Trendy Local Cafe Owner Spends Morning Milking His Almond Trees appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Local Lady Briefly Toys With The Idea Of Putting Arms Through Sleeves Of Jacket Draped Over Shoulders "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

INGRID DOULTON | Lady About Town | Contact A popular local fashion blogger has spoken of how she once considered putting her arms through the sleeves of a jacket draped over her shoulders, but ultimately decided against it. Amy Caldwell, of Betootas trendy French Quarter, told The Advocate that she was waiting for a taxi the []

The post Local Lady Briefly Toys With The Idea Of Putting Arms Through Sleeves Of Jacket Draped Over Shoulders appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Jeremy Corbyn in Late-Night Street Brawl "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Leader of the Opposition Jeremy Corbyn has been accused of bringing fear to the streets of Islington, after he was involved in a brutal street brawl between the gang he leads and a rival Centre-Left crew from Mayfair. Residents say since his elevation to national prominence Mr Corbyn has been throwing his weight around, hanging out on street corners quizzing passers-by relentlessly on their views on Trident and asking them for their input into developing a new grass-roots kind of politics.

One resident, who didnt want to be named for fear of reprisal from Corbyn, voiced his fears. They call him King Corbyn round here and hes a well nasty geezer. Him and his crew, Abbot, Starmer, Harmanupsetting the apple cart, asking if youd be willing to sign their petition on zero hours contracts. Just looking for trouble really.

Islington Police say they are aware of the Corbyn gang and are keeping a close eye on them. Recent flashpoints between Corbyn and the Mayfair crew have centred on who has control of the key Kensington High Street area on a Saturday, and also whether statutory rights to trade union recognition should be extended to companies with less than 10 employees, said one officer. Weve ASBO-ed him up to the eyeballs but he just goes to Parliament during the day and deletes them its very frustrating. Whenever we try to speak to him he just gives us a gobful of abuse.

Corbyns gang have tried to mark out their territory, by throwing distinctive pairs of brown sandals over the electricity  cables that run above the streets, continued the officer. Residents are being harassed in their own homes on a daily basis. If theyre not in, he leaves his distinctive calling card a chilling silhouette of his bearded face on the front, and on the back an invitation to a town-hall style forum event on the future of the NHS.

Corbyns gangster ways are starting to spill over into PMQs. Hes abandoned his tweed suits for a red hoodie and low-hanging jeans where you can see most of his undies, and has promoted grime star Stormzy to the front benches. He no longer addresses Theresa May as Prime Minister, but simply as Bitch and calls Speaker John Bercow Blud. Hes also vetoed any vote to extend Stop and Search powers to include Leaders of the Opposition. And in a shocking scenes, when criticised for his behaviour by the PM, he accused her of disrespecting him and challenged her to a smackdown at recess no Feds.



Disbelief As Newly-Relocated Commercial Pilot Reveals Hes Not Married To A Hostie "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Recently-relocated Betoota pilot, Captain John Scibson (55) has shocked the town today by revealing that his wife works in a career that has nothing to do with aviation. After keeping to himself for a couple months, the regional commercial flight captain was spotted yarning to a few of the locals at the Lord []

The post Disbelief As Newly-Relocated Commercial Pilot Reveals Hes Not Married To A Hostie appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Environmentalists Release 47 Coherent Republicans Into Congress "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington, DCIn an effort to stabilize a political ecosystem that many in Washington are calling completely F-d up, environmentalists released 47 stable republican politicians into Congress this week. Jake Green of the Capitol Re-Acclimation Project explains, By releasing semi-coherent individuals into both the Senate and the House, the hope is that things might actually return to the baseline

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