IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Archiver

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Monday, 13 August

00:15

Farmers Fight Off Flood Of Breakfast TV Presenters "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

farmer

Farmers in New South Wales and Queensland currently in the midst of a drought have faced a new challenge in recent weeks with a surging flood of breakfast TV presenters bearing down on them.

Mate its been tough, I was out ploughing the fields yesterday and a wave of Today show crew came rushing past me, said a Bourke based farmer. I feared for my safety and my fields are wrecked.

The bastards set up their cameras and catering in my wheat field, Im ruined.

Police have warned farmers to treat the breakfast TV crews with caution as they are highly persistent and can turn aggressive.

We recommend Farmers keep a safe distance away from these crews as not only are they after tales of hardship, they are also after contestants for Farmer wants a wife.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Sunday, 12 August

23:23

Newly discovered cave paintings depict ancient lives of intense boredom "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It was not all that long ago that fire and wildlife meant everything to mankind. And just because were not into that boring shit anymore doesnt mean we cant still pretend to appreciate 35,000-year-old cave paintings in this news article.

Reddit users were given first glimpse of the cave paintings, which were quickly downvoted off the front page before they could bore anyone else.Reddit users were given first glimpse of the cave paintings, which were quickly downvoted off the front page before they could bore anyone else.

Before seamless.com all humans sustained themselves through hunting, fishing or gathering (get a phone, Cro-Magnons!), according to Dr. Mann Lee Troubadox of the Lebal Drocer Institute for Cellular Data Technology. Troubadox, with his team of nameless indigenous children, recently discovered a swathe of cave paintings that revealed just how boring life was before the newly-refined iPhone X.

We listened to consumers and wish to assure you the new features contained in the iPhone X Plus will piss on Samsungs barbaric emoji keyboard, as Calvin would defiantly piss upon a Ford icon or if youre a Jeff Gordon fan a Chevrolet bow-tie, Troubadox said. My team attempted to downvote every painting on the cave walls, whether it was for a lack of attention to important details, or the artist failed to capture the  aesthetic that a Snapchat filter mightve offered or for other reasons like if the painting was offensive, off-topic, or painted in the wrong sub-cave.

While the Android world is making strides every day in camera technology, it took hundreds of thousands of years for cave paintings to move away from uninteresting tales about hunter/gatherer lifestyle, and into cool shit like marking the sudden appearances of supernovae: star explosions that were once inaccurately attributed to God, before woke cave painters like Banksy could hear Carl Sagan auto-tuned.

...

19:07

Buzz Lightyear Gets Nod To Head Space Force "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tweet TowerSoon after the announcement of the creation of a Space Force, President Trump revealed his intentions to appoint Pixar giant Buzz Lightyear to head this new branch of the military. Lightyear, a twenty year veteran of animated space exploration, has already expressed his excitement and his desire to protect this great country from all space threats while our nations

18:12

Review: We Happy Few Imagines a World Where People Havent Already Played BioShock "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In the latest creation from the Montreal-based developer Compulsion Games, We Happy Few is a wonderful game layered in moral ambiguity that asks players the hard questions, such as: How long are you willing to pretend you havent already seen all of these concepts in 2007s hit series BioShock?

We Happy Few wastes no time establishing an uneasy, yet familiar real setting by introducing a troubled society of masked villains who all rely on a drug called Joy, which is first used to improve their lives, but now hopelessly enslaves them, plunging players into a fascinating world where BioShock didnt already make a game revolving around a troubled society of masked villains who all rely on a drug called Adam, which is first used to improve their lives, but now hopelessly enslaves them.

While the narrative is going to be what keep players engaged throughout their playthrough, the most striking element of We Happy Few is undoubtedly its brilliant visual aesthetic. Drawing from the architecture and art deco stylings of 1960s Britain, and the art deco stylings of 2007s first person shooters, We Happy Fews art design is a visual beauty to behold.

In an interview with Gamasutra, Compulsion Games founder Guillaume Provost explained that the ultimate goal of the game was to Force people to challenge their own perceptions of the world. In a world full of uncertainty and fake news, people need to ask themselves if BioShock really existed and admit that if BioShock isnt a real game, then We Happy Fe.....

16:14

All Scots will know this frustration "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The post All Scots will know this frustration appeared first on The Poke.

16:00

Carragher signs lucrative sponsorship deal with Chewits "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Football pundit and all-round gentleman Jamie Carragher has announced a major sponsorship deal with iconic chewy sweet brand Chewits, as the new football season seems to have finally started at long last.

Carragher commented: Its foochin great laaa. Ah foochin luv Chewits laaa, foochin phlegm-tastic maaaaytt!!.

An interpreter explained: Mr Carragher is absolutely delighted with the deal. Chewits generates an extraordinary amount of salivation which is ideal for Jays signature grochling technique.

Its understood Carragher has trademarked the iconic drive by big greener in your face manoeuvre, which requires exquisite poise and timing to land a howker right on target, whilst over reacting to mild insults in a moving Range Rover Vogue.

Chewits already has a deal in place with Dutch legend Frank Rijkaard, a clinical close-range gobber famous for firing a volley into Voller at the 1990 World Cup.

Pundits are understood to be enthusiastic about the strengthened Chewits team, with ex-pro hardman turned TV comedian Roy Keane commenting: Carra adds long range sniping abilities to Franks quick fire behind your back cover. They could use my Santa beard for target practice.

15:57

15:30

Harley-Davidson Hopes to Court Millennials With New Fixed Gear Motorcycle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MILWAUKEE Iconic motorcycle manufacturer Harley-Davidson held a press conference this morning, announcing plans to build fixed gear motorcycles to gain favor with a new, younger generation of riders.

Look, we #getit, said the companys Global Director of Marketing, Scott Beck. The last thing you want to do after throwing on that flannel or waxing your moustache is get all sweaty from pedaling down to the organic brewery where you can throw back a few IPAs before checking out the TV on the Radio concert. But dont get your avocado toast in a bunch theres a new fixed gear Harley, just for you.

Get your meme game ready, added Beck. This yeet rides going viral.

The new motorcycle is expected to be fully customizable to fit each customers unique style.

We want our riders to love their bikes, and have it feel like an extension of themselves, said Casey Barret, head of Harley-Davidsons Research and Development team. The new bikes will have special color patterns, and disc wheel upgrades for any rider who wants to take their new Harley on a velodrome.

Early sales are expected to be robust, as reactions from the fixed gear bike community have been largely positive.

Sure, this may have some effect on the sport, said Candice Mason, a spokesperson for the North American Bike Polo Association. But overall, I think its a net positive. Speeding up play just a bit never really hurt anybody.

However, a number of engineering and consumer advocate organizations remain skeptical.

Early tests have been less than ideal, said Sheila Barnowicz of Motorcycle Consumer News. A fixed gear motorcycle by nature only has one gear, which means it will start to pull as soon as you hit about 35 m.p.h., and the horse power is ultimately pretty low. Plus, it starts smoking when it goes past 47 m.p.h., which cant be good.

Ultimately, however, its the reactions from non-bikers that have Harley-Davidson betting high on their new product line.

Its a win-win for me, said local textile artist Maryann Willis. My friend Charlie is the one person I know who rides a fixed gear, and he never shuts up about it. Maybe a Harley would drown out his endless rambling.

The post Harley-Davidson Hopes to Court Millennials With New Fixed Gear Motorcycle appeared first on The Hard Times.

13:00

Corporate manager runs idea up flagpole and accidentally hangs himself "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An area manager for a leading British company was tragically killed today while running an idea up a flagpole to see who salutes. Mark Slickman, a brainstorming can-doer with a winning attitude, is believed to have been reaching for the top when he lost his footing. Police have parked the idea of foul play by putting it on a backburner going forward.

Tributes have flooded in. Junior employee Jane Henson said He was such a great guy. He was always looking under toilet doors to see you werent doing number twos during works time. And he had this thing he did; holding his hand over a naked flame and showing no emotion while his flesh burned. He did the same to us. It was just SO funny.

The tragedy highlights the growing problem of early death among corporate managers. The three leading causes of workplace injury in the City of London are:

1. Placing a hot idea on a backburner without safety gloves
2. Not looking where youre going while singing from the same hymn sheet
3. Picking the low hanging fruit while downsourcing a paradigm shift

Funeral directors have been instructed to stuff Mr Slickmans corpse in a bin bag, because he was a great fan of thinking outside the box.

11:00

New series of CSI Isle of Wight starts tonight "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CSI Isle of Wight star William Roache admitted today that the new series of the all-action forensic detective drama was just what he needed to put his travails behind him. Roache plays heart-throb DCI Leighton Drumstick, known to all as Buzzard, whose puns on local place-names as he puts on the handcuffs have caught the imagination of the viewing public. Youve got a ticket to ride he said to one felon to Ryde prison. You can shut Yar mouth he tells another and, cuffing a hapless heroin addict on the beach, he points out to sea saying those Needles are the last ones youll see for the next 10 years.

The new series promises to be as exciting and hard hitting as ever, with the seedy side of island life often to the fore. In one episode a drugs cartel corners the island market and panic spreads as they exert their sphincter-like grip and residents realise they cannot go. Tension builds to bursting point as pushers have no success and nothing and no-one moves. Eventually, just when the whole island is about to explode, Drumstick, disobeying his bosses orders, disguises himself as a pizza delivery boy, penetrates the gangs Shanklin hideout and releases their huge deposit of Sanatogen, however the shit really hits the fan when he gets back to the station.

Drumstick becomes furious in the series climax, when he finds a motor vehicle inconsiderately parked overlapping a disability space near Sandown beach. Vaulting a low wall, the outraged detective chases the perp along the golden sand only to realise, when he finally brings him down, it is his troubled teenage nephew Bruno, son of his Italian brother Guiseppe, who mysteriously disappeared whilst working undercover on a job-seekers allowance fraud case. As Drumstick is coming to terms with this, his nemesis from the previous series Donnabella, his brothers beautiful but evil wife emerges, bikini clad, from the foaming surf. Hi Buzz, surprised to see us? she smirks, but Drumstick recovers quickly Well it looks like the Cowes really do come home in the end he quips as he cuffs young Bruno.

10:09

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Behzat . "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

behzatc

Behzat is a Turkish police drama about the existential crises of a detective investigating murders in the Turkish capital Ankara, which would not seem the usual target for a Humourless Marxist Review, particularly written by an Australian comrade, but here we are, arent we?

Why did I spend the past three years learning Turkish through this programme as my only form of international theory or practice, while my only domestic practice, organising fast food workers within RaFFWU, dwindled to nothing? Because the Workers Spatula Central Committee ordered me to do so, and if the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the world revolution tells you to watch some Turkish guy with a messy haircut run around in the dark punching criminals and being sad about it, you fucking do it, comrade.

When [REDACTED] first discovered me, I was just a low-level member of Socialist Alliance trying to organise the fast food workers of Melbourne. Now I speak fluent Turkish and am intimately familiar with Turkish drinking culture, and also Im on my way to Angara to join the (Birleik) Devrimci Partinin saflarna. All thanks to three seasons of a show about a cop.

Obviously, this is no communist show. The hero is an officer of the bourgeois state, after all. But the portrayal of the police in the show is consistently revealing of the limitations of justice in class society: driven by an honest conscience, whenever Behzat and his friends try to do the right thing, they are either forced to go against the explicit orders of the state bureaucracy and struggle against the actu...

09:10

Fish Cheat Death In Daring Escape Bid "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Residents in the Battambang commune of Tapon were on alert for a time this morning, after two fish went on the run from a high-security bucket. Local resident, Sawon Kenwood, had purchased the fish yesterday afternoon, with a view to cooking them,...

06:28

Sex Swap Couple's Romance Due To Typewriter Accident "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A 'sex swap' couple in Ontario have revealed how their meeting and subsequent romance were a complete accident, after both suffered from a bang on the head at work. Leslie Jones, 48, a bricklayer at the Straight-Up Building Company in the city, wa...

05:48

Knock-Off Drinks Cranks Up A Notch After Site Manager Takes Out False Teeth For A Laugh "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BOURKE | Editor | Contact Knock-off drinks took a wild turn for a group of construction workers as half-cut site manager Mike Derry Derringer (54) whipped his false teeth out for a laugh. Members of the group are alleged to have seen Derry pull this trick before but still managed genuine shock and laughter as he flicked his []

The post Knock-Off Drinks Cranks Up A Notch After Site Manager Takes Out False Teeth For A Laugh appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:00

Trump Buys Huge, Fortified Estate in Russia "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mar-A-Lago, FL President Obama's secret bugs in the White House have revealed that President Trump has been trying to purchase a very large estate in Russia, surrounded by a moat and a BIG WALL. He has finally closed on it, after securing loans from...

03:42

Trump Writes Letter On Behalf Of Donny Jr., And Sends It To Mueller Investigation "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mir-A-Lago, Florida President Donald Trump, feeling guilty about implicating his son, Donny, in the Mueller investigation, has written a letter to Mueller about his errant son. It has been leaked to the press: Dear Mr. Mueller, Please excuse Dona...

03:08

Film School Student Goes Back And Deletes Controversial Tweets Just In Case "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BOURKE | Editor | Contact The fear of God has been put into film school student Tony McGuire (22) who has deleted all his controversial tweets, just in case the unthinkable happens and he becomes a famous director. According to McGuire, in the rare event he makes a living as a Hollywood director, he is concerned that his []

The post Film School Student Goes Back And Deletes Controversial Tweets Just In Case appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:52

I Wish They Didnt Cover The Coleslaw In Mayo Says Man Halfway Through 800g Schnitty "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BOURKE | Editor | Contact Local unit Jared OToole (32) tucked into a well-earned pub lunch only to express a disdain for the coleslaw that was saturated in mayonnaise that accompanied his 800g schnitzel. Taking in a few jars at the Betoota Tavern, OToole opted for the schnitzel instead of the chicken burger as to save on carbs. []

The post I Wish They Didnt Cover The Coleslaw In Mayo Says Man Halfway Through 800g Schnitty appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:33

Malcolm Turnbull Accused Of Being A Class Traitor After Being Pictured Wearing Hi-Vis "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Members of the Wentworth Electorate have slammed their sitting member today. The high net-worth and socio-economically well to do electorate has accused their representative, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull of turning his back on them. The criticism comes after leaked photos emerged of the PM parading around in a high visibility vest. Turnbull has []

The post Malcolm Turnbull Accused Of Being A Class Traitor After Being Pictured Wearing Hi-Vis appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:08

Its 2018, and Its Time for Women of Color to Be Represented in Our Marriage "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We live in a progressive time. The days of mediocre white men dominating the media are coming to an end. As a straight white male myself, I am thrilled about the success of movies like Get Out and Black Panther that I can watch to prove I am not racist.

While watching movies and posting online about how important they are is a heroic and brave act, we cannot stop there. We must look at our own lives and find ways to work towards the inclusion of marginalized groups on a personal level. So baby, this is why I feel its time for women of color to be represented in our marriage.

I think we can agree that an all white marriage is a bad look. Lets look at the numbers. Our marriage is 100% white and 50% male. That makes it 75% problematic. When you factor in that were both straight, it becomes increasingly clear that we are not doing our part. We need to act and find a third member of our relationship, ideally Asian. This would make us 66% white, 33% male, and either 33% or 66% LGBTQ+ depending on how chill you decide to be. Any measure short of this is white supremacy, and I refuse to participate in a Nazi marriage.

What kind of message are we sending? When we have a daughter someday, I want to be able to look her 18-year-old friends in the eye, be they black, asian, or other, and say that they can accomplish anything. How can we tell them they can be in the White House if they cant even see themselves in our bedroom? There is room in this marriage for Black Girl Magic or, just spitballing here, Ancient Chinese Mystery? Okay, that sounded pretty racist but I think you know my heart is in the right place.

If you want to be on the wrong side of history, I will understand and respect the prison of monogamy you have imposed upon me. However, until we have justice in this marriage, I will be taking a knee before all sex in protest.

The post Its 2018, and Its Time for Women of Color to Be Represented in Our Marriage appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:55

Suspicions grow about man who found seven corpses while walking dog "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Police insist they are still keeping an open mind about Jim Greyston of Kent, who has broken all previous corpse-finding records set by dog walkers. Three months ago he found the body of a murdered hitch-hiker while exercising his dog Toby near Alston Green outside Maidstone. Since then, he has stumbled upon the dismembered bodies of three sex workers and three more hitch-hikers in what a police spokesman calls a case of lightning striking seven times in the one place.

Mr Greyston insists he is as surprised as anyone by these coincidences, and suggests he and his dog just happen to take the same routes chosen by psychotic killers dumping bodies not that Id know anything of the habits of psychotic killers, he hastily adds. His wife has come to his defence, saying: Hes always finding things once he found a 5 note and a mobile phone on the same day. Also, she says he has more time on his hands for taking walks since he sold his vegetable garden and his four refrigerators last year.

Mr Greyston says his dog must have a talent for finding bodies and body parts, and he has made a list of other victims the Jack Russell terrier might be able to sniff out. He insists he is just a law abiding citizen who works as a long distance truck driver while earning some extra cash as a butcher at weekends.

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Saturday, 11 August

17:43

Shitty Waterfall In Dumbass Game Doesnt Even Have Stupid Cave Behind It "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MODESTO, Calif. Local gamer Ryan Aguirre discovered that, against all odds, the goddamn waterfall his character spotted from across the map in a video game did not, in fact, have a fucking cave behind it, according to close sources.

This is such fucking bullshit, Aguirre exclaimed, according to roommates on the scene. I paid $60 for this goddamn video game and the developers had the gall to include a waterfall with no secret cave?! This is straight up not-ethical.

Aguirre had spent the better part of two hours not only traveling to the useless waterfall but also safely descending to the bottom of the pointless ravine into which it poured. Despite Aguirres dedication to uncovering what should clearly be a badass fucking cave filled with secret treasures or an easter egg or at least a hidden boss or some shit, his efforts were rewarded with what can only be described as a deliberate slap in the face by the asshole developers.

It was insulting is what it was, you fucking code monkeys couldnt have even put a health potion in there? residents of the nearby apartments reported Aguirre had shouted. Gamers are this generations explorers; I am the Christopher Columbuss of this video game so if I see a new fucking area, all I want to do is explore and subsequently murder the native population for loot.

Aguirre was last reported to have selected the fucking Exit to Desktop option from the dumbass menu in preparation for uninstalling the shit out of the stupid fucking open world bullshit game.

At press time, fuck this shit.

The post Shitty Waterfall In Dumbass Game Doesnt Even Have Stupid Cave Behind It appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:25

Nigerian bank manager says he is out-of-office meeting single women in his area "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hopeful respondents to a Nigerian bank official who has fortuitously managed to acquire 10 million US dollars and needs urgently to solicit your esteemed help to transfer it into a foreign account in return for which you will get a 40% share, is unfortunately out of the office for the next three weeks, as he is following up on a few new opportunities that have come into his inbox recently, it has been revealed.

Mr Alex Kwamo is now out of the office until September 1st, disappointed respondents were told today in an automatically generated email by the branch manager, who is 37 and married with three children, my dear friend.

May God almighty forgive me for contacting you without permission, and for saying that mine is a stressful job, sending out 10 million emails each day to which only a handful of people reply, said Kwamo in a suprisingly frank out-of-office message.

Im going offline for a while. Do something useful, continued Kwamo. I definitely want to try and reduce my blood pressure using medications that have been recalled by Health authorities, as well as trying out some revolutionary new anti-aging products that my friend Laura from Daily Health Digest helpfully tells me about in an email at least 10 times every day.

I also have ongoing concerns about nasty skin tags and moles, something literally hundreds of leading dermatologists have warned me about, noted Kwamo.

I could also really do with spending some time trying to find out which everyday ingredient it is that Im eating that is causing my erectile dysfunction. Everyone of my email contacts seems to know what it is, but theyre seemingly too shy to say it in writing. Hopefully, Ill have the time on my leave to click through on the useful links theyve sent me and find out.

And while Im at it, Ill try and find out what the hell ketos are for you all, concluded Kwamo.

15:30

Punk Sales Associate Refuses to Start Shift Until Store Fills Up a Bit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERIE, Pa. Punk sales associate Courtney Cruz is refusing to start her six-hour shift at Target until the store actually fills up a little bit, irritated sources confirmed.

Maybe Id start on time if they actually promoted these sales right, said Cruz, sipping from a flask stored in her glove compartment. Like, did anybody even make a Facebook event for the Summer Clearance Blowout so I could share it? Theres only, like, six people in there, and theyll probably leave the second their friend texts them about a better sale down the street.

I bet everyones just waiting for their friends shift to start later on, Cruz added. Way to show your support for capitalism, assholes.

However, assistant manager Bob Mayfield insisted that any associates he schedules owe it to their customers and fellow coworkers to begin their shifts promptly.

She could at least have her stuff ready to go, instead of sitting in her van and coming back smelling funny, he said. The store doesnt cut bi-weekly paychecks for her to chat idly with customers about other shifts she has going on this month, or take 90 minutes to load in gear which is a really weird term for a Tupperware full of leftovers, by the way.

Cruz attributed her defiant behavior to the chains fundamental shortcomings in managing its events.

I dont even know why I still take shifts here. Theyre always so lame, she said. Like that awful flyer for Vizio Televisions where are the skeleton heads wrapped in serpents advertising the new pricing, like I suggested? I did a mock-up and everything. I dont know how they expect to get cool sales associates in here if they cant take any good ideas seriously.

At press time, Cruz claimed she needed another 20 minutes because somebody had reportedly fucked with the barcode scanner, which is allegedly a total bitch to get the settings just how she likes it.

The post Punk Sales Associate Refuses to Start Shift Until Store Fills Up a Bit appeared first on The Hard Times.

13:00

Met Office upgrades to Windows "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

New standards to improve the operations of weather forecasters are to be introduced by 2020. The Met Office has found that techniques currently employed ensure weeks of accurate forecasts when the weather is stuck in one mode, i.e. heatwave, but that accuracy falters as soon as the weather becomes changeable, i.e. normally.

Since we only need forecasts when the weather changes it seems right that the Met Office should take account of that fact said a spokesman today.

The first major change will mean that all buildings occupied by forecasters must have at least one orifice in the wall apart from the entrance door. For preference said the spokesman, the orifice should resemble the kind of glazed structure installed in most residential and business premises and known as a window. This enables building occupants to see what is actually happening outside without having to speculate.

On the technical front forecasters who use their Internet websites to show weather conditions across several hours will also be forced to adopt a software system known as 20/20 hindsight.

We are particularly concerned about those sites which show that it is continuing to rain long after it has stopped or that it is still bright and sunny long after it has started raining said the spokesman.

Having cleared up the matter of what the weather is doing at present then new software will be introduced to help forecasters predict what the weather will do in future. We did encounter some resistance from the industry at first added the spokesman but we overcame their objections by meeting them head on and modifying the software slightly. We will still expect them to forecast todays weather correctly but when they are predicting the weather five days or even a week ahead the longer- term forecast will automatically self-destruct at the end of the first day to prevent users complaining that it was wrong.

11:00

Simon Cowell admits to life-long affair with himself "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Shamed X-Factor chief Simon Cowell was left facing difficult questions today after details of his sordid affair with himself were revealed by his former lover.

Lauren Silverman, whose own affair with Cowell ended when she discovered that he was seeing himself behind her back, claims the TV producer took himself on secret luxury holidays, wined and dined himself in top London restaurants, and regularly booked himself into single rooms in 5-star hotels for one-in-a-bed romps. He then cruelly ended his relationship with Silverman by telling her its not you, its me. Literally.

Cowells uncontrollable erotic narcissism, which he claimed had stopped when he met ex-fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy, was re-ignited several months ago following the 53-year-olds chance encounter with a mirror in his eight-million pound LA retreat. My eyes met me from across the room, said Cowell. I tried to pull myself away, but I knew it was too late. Id fallen for myself once again. Im sorry.

US socialite Silverman has claimed that she once secretly witnessed the multi-millionaire TV personality giving himself a full X-Factor style judgement of his own body in front of a full-length mirror. He knew I was in the house, that was the sick part, sobbed Silverman. Hed rub himself down in oil and declare, out loud, that Simon has serious talent, before telling his own backside that he was impressed and that he was putting it through to booty camp. I hope he and himself will be happy together they deserve each other.

Cowell was apologetic today. I realise Ive hurt a lot of people, but this is between me, myself and I, said the love rat from aboard his five-million-pound yacht, which he named Simon. I would be grateful if people could respect my privacy over this matter. I dont mean for good just until the next series of X-Factor starts.

Jesus H (hat-tip to beau-jolly)

05:41

Elon Musk Supports Trump Administration's Plan for a United States Space Force. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Elon Musk today threw his weight behind the Trump administration's plan to form a new branch of the armed forces, the United States Space Force. "The first troop carrier to space will be the TEZLA MACH 25!" declared Musk. "We must be ready, not on...

04:35

Dr. Troubadour Accused of Running Fake News Boot Camp to Train Boys to Become Fake Newsmen "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Troubadour is accused of amassing a child armyTroubadour is accused of amassing a child army.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is being detained in a mobile diesel therapy unit en route to Cuthbert, Georgia in the Southeastern US, after documents tied him to a Lebal Drocer executive responsible for the stillborn deaths of hundreds of thousands of children in South Carolina, and who is sought in connection with an illegal Fake News Bootcamp where children are taught to write dangerous forms of Internet satire.

Georgia state authorities are seeking to question a prominent hate speech historian, Raleigh T. Sakers, who they suspect trained dozens of malnourished children to commit mass disinformation campaigns in their communities.

In addition to the defamed Lebal Drocer University professor Dr. Troubadour, recently released court documents accuse Sakers, the mysterious corporate executive behind the Lebal Drocer Uranium Waste Spill of 2011, of training children whose ages range from 16, all the way down to toddlers, to write lies, fabrications, and publish fake news under the guise of satire.

A Forced Product

Area man visually defines lost concept through ironic failure to do so

The purpose: To inflict harm by unleashing unrest, laughter, and disinformation upon the masses

Since the spring semester of Fake News For Fuck-Ups, Sakers students have come away jaded, sardonic, and world weary. Ready to attack our clean civilization.

May you proceed into the world holding a mirror up to society. And may your mirror be concave, harness the power of the sun, and melt down your enemies with a...

03:50

Young Man Suffers Severe Consequences For Not Properly Forwarding Chain Letter "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Danny Briggs, 28, was suffering a major 'bout' of severe depression last week and simply felt that he did not have the inner strength to go on. The sadness in his life was incredibly overwhelming, and the heart-piercing loneliness that he felt insid...

03:13

Warped Tour Already Planning Reunion At Riot Fest 2020 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BUFFALO, N.Y.  Warped Tour founder Kevin Lyman is already eyeing Riot Fest 2020 for a possible reunion of his famed festival, nearly one year since his announcement that Warped Tours current summer run will be its last, dehydrated and sunburnt sources confirmed.

Ever since we announced the 2018 tour would be the end, life has felt very empty in our camp, said Lyman from the Skull Candy Listen Lounge at the Tinley Park, Ill. stop of this years Warped Tour. None of us have planned a Warped Tour in wow, it must be months now. I gotta say, Im already getting that itch again I just dont know how summer could be the same without a festival full of teenagers and overflowing port-o-potties.

Rumors of the reunion began circulating through the crowd at yesterdays Warped Tour stop in Detroit.

I planned to go hard today in the Every Time I Die pit to send the tour off properly, said 29-year-old Warped attendee Spencelyn Raymer. Now, Im so psyched Warped is coming back, I feel like I could light myself on fire and tear this pit apart or, at the very least, impale myself on something.

Because live music has always been the main draw of Warped Tour, Lyman is reportedly seeking advice from some of the artists with whom hes worked closely over the years.

Kevin called me when he first got the idea it mustve been about a week into this last tour. I was on board immediately, said NOFX singer Fat Mike Burkett, a fixture of Warped Tours more than two-decade run. Its perfect we can play a couple of the Warped dates, get a Riot Fest set in, and collect multiple checks in one weekend. And that doesnt even count merch.

Holy shit. I should call [Me First and the Gimme Gimmes], he later added.

When asked about more potential dates, however, Lyman claimed the one-off reunion would be best for fans and for organizers.

Logistically, it couldnt be a better fit. With a three-day festival in the midwest, we can cover the essence of the whole tour: the Bay area crowds, the Albuquerque heat, the New York rowdiness, said Lyman. When you think about the sp...

02:40

Man Shadow Kickboxing In The Park Dares You To Make Eye Contact "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A krav maga, kickboxing and UFC enthusiast named Klay Wilson (28) sat down with The Advocate to explain why youd have to be pretty fucked in the head go even look at him. The topless park goer, with a couple of piss weak tattoos on his back, said that he enjoys coming down []

The post Man Shadow Kickboxing In The Park Dares You To Make Eye Contact appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:02

Gus Gould Fires Self In Ultimate Power Move "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact Following the sacking of Penrith Panthers head coach Anthony Griffiths and the headhunting of Tigers coach Ivan Cleary, Gus Gould has fired himself in what punters are calling the ultimate power move. Gould made several daring decisions during his tenure a general manager, including sacking coach Ivan Cleary in []

The post Gus Gould Fires Self In Ultimate Power Move appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:54

Self-Described Writer Decides To Procrastinate At Local Cafe For A Change "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact Freelance writer and full-time son, Jamie Pike (26) decided to mix things up earlier today and procrastinate in a local cafe. Taking his densely stickered laptop to French Quarter cafe, Leafy Blend, Pike opted to boldy set aside his screenplay about a misunderstood writer and focus heavily on what is happening on reddit []

The post Self-Described Writer Decides To Procrastinate At Local Cafe For A Change appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:44

Leasing Agent Laughs In Face Of Peasant Renters Asking For Their Bond Back "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact French Quarter real estate agent Belinda Rowe (46) has received a formal complaint from a group of tenants who allege she openly laughed in their face when they asked for their bond back. The peasant renters were tenants of a rental property Rowe oversees until last week when they []

The post Leasing Agent Laughs In Face Of Peasant Renters Asking For Their Bond Back appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Royal Family to be eaten to save money "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In an effort to cut government expenditure, the public will be allowed to catch and eat minor members of the Royal Family from today, it has been announced. There are reports that two of them are already missing, presumed barbecued. A Treasury spokesman has expressed the hope that eating some of the less pleasant Windsors might rehabilitate the reputation of cannibalism, so unjustly maligned by the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer.

Veteran environmentalist David Attenborough says culling the Royals would make for a more balanced ecosystem. In the absence of potential Windsor-eating predators in England, he says, the only option is for conscientious citizens to eat them, preferably with a side dish of fries.

Concerned Royalists have been assured that the new rule only applies to distant relatives of the Queen who dont host glamorous weddings, although a government spokesman has warned Prince Harry might want to watch his back if he doesnt ditch his American moll. If the Royal finances continue to decline, the public may be able to purchase Meghanburgers at selected fast food outlets, a source close to Buckingham Palace has said.

Jamie Oliver has welcomed the move, noting that the Duchess of Yorks thighs would make nourishing school meals. However, the public have been warned not to touch Prince George, and that eating Prince Philip would be a major gastronomical gaffe.

Prince and Princess Michael of Kent have been declared edible as from today, although people with dietary restrictions have been warned that the Princess is not kosher.

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Friday, 10 August

21:44

Nashville Man Sticks Foot in Mouth at Yoga "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After hearing all his East Nashville friends rave about the restorative effects of yoga, Trey Mulligan of Nashville, Tennessee, recently decided to check out a class for himself only to wind up sticking his foot in his mouth. It was intense, s...

16:47

Iran Retaliates: Dyspeptic Camel Befouls Trumps Bed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: As promised, the curse Iran President Hassan Rouhani levied on President Trump has been carried out. Inexplicably, a dyspeptic camel found its way past White House Secret Service Agents, and, in a show of extraordinary chutzpah,...

07:58

New Facebook Study Confirms Youre Right About Everything "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Earlier today, Facebook released a study that has officially confirmed that youre right about absolutely everything. The study, which was conducted over the course of your 10+ years on the social media platform, and in no way compromised your privac...

00:31

Man Wakes Up To Find That He Can Recite Pi To A Million Places "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was a surprise in store for a man in Battambang on Sunday morning, when, woken suddenly from his slumbers by a carhorn outside his window, he started to recite the mathematical constant, Pi. Moys Kenwood, 55, was a reasonable Math student at...

Tuesday, 10 July

23:52

Uncle insists he was in Texas during events of chainsaw massacre "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

At a family event last month an Uncle kept insisting he was in Texas during the grisly murders of the fictional film The Texas Chainsaw Massacre We tried explaining to him that it was a movie based around the killings by Ed Gein in Wisconsin bu...

20:00

Boy you teased in high school becomes omnipotent leader of his own planet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Recent reports from the international space station suggest that the boy you used to pick on in high school has somehow developed unfathomable powers and taken control of a previously unknown heavenly body in the area of Betelgeuse. We were send...

06:12

Scamatology Reps Visit North Korea to Study Their Labor Camps "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Our correspondent has learned that the Church of Scamatology has sent representatives to North Korea to study their labor camp system. Scamatology has been known to throw wayward "Clams," as they like to be called, into either the RPF, which is where...

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Archiver

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Resource generated at IndyWatch using aliasfeed and rawdog