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Wednesday, 22 November

18:06

During Thanksgiving Address Trump Abolishes Side-Dish Neutrality Laws "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

  Tweet TowerThe Trump Administration has identified an unpatriotic cancer festering in the heart of this countrys kitchens. People are kneeling for the national anthem, protesting in the streets, and many are not showering the president with the non-stop adulation he craves and deserves. President Trump does not want this corrosion to impact his favorite fall holiday. During his Thanksgiving

17:30

Turkey Pardoned By President Will Kill Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON President Trump pardoned a 5-year old Bourbon Red turkey named Mikey this morning, sparking outrage amongst law enforcement officials who insist the turkey will kill again.

Son, the thought of that bird walking free on the streets should terrify everyone. I dont know if any turkeys have souls, but I sure as hell can guarantee Mikey doesnt have one, said Sheriff Lee Brackett. That feathery fuck is pure, USDA-approved evil.

Sheriff Brackett was one of the arresting officers who captured Mikey one year ago, ending a two-day manhunt after the bird murdered killed 11 teenagers, two priests, one ice cream truck driver, and an entire hospital staff in Haddonfield, Ill.

We put six bullets straight into its dark meat, and it would not die, Brackett confirmed. It kept getting up after each shot, walking towards us, a carving knife clutched in its wings and his bright red neck-thing covered in blood, swinging in the wind. I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about that night.

Dr. Samuel Pleasance, a turkey psychologist from the Cooper Farms Institute of Abnormal Avians, had pleaded with President Trump not to pardon the killer turkey. Dr. Pleasance had personally treated the turkey before it escaped and began its terrifying killing spree.

You must understand Mikey is not a bird, Dr. Pleasance allegedly shouted, as White House security escorted him off the premises. He is the Devil himself! I have gazed into his pitiless, black eyes, and saw nothing but the cold, murderous indifference of the universe staring back at me!

Related:

Mikey never said a word, Dr. Pleasance later added, shivering. He never goobled; he never gobbled. He just bided his time in his cell just as hes doing now. He will kill again, I assure you!

However, President Trump remained unconvinced of Mikeys threat and went ahead with the pardon.

Beautiful bird. Truly magnificent, Trump declared. How could something so savory and meaty kill so many people? These Haddonfield killings fake news!

...

16:49

Human Nature Discovered "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

DNA

MUNICH Top sciencers at the Bourgeois Institute for Legitimate Facts in Munich, Bavaria today announced a breakthrough in evolutionary biology: the confirmation of the existence of human nature, the immutable genetic source of class divisions in our unchanging society. One representative, Doktor Hans Rheinmller, addressed the assembled press, including a Workers Spatula correspondent, earlier today.

Weve long known that humans are greedy, which is a technical term for the fact that no human can ever be truly happy if others are not starving and doing without. Economists, biologists, geneticists, photographers, and IT technicians have long agreed on this obvious fact. However, rogue evolutionary biologists with obvious communist sympathies have recently begun to claim that in spite of these facts, which they acknowledge as anyone with common sense would, it may be possible to either mitigate greed, or to evolve past it.

After extensive genetic testing and review of the fossil record, we have discovered that the Neanderthals lacked the greed gene, which was what actually allowed Homo sapiens to drive the Neanderthals extinct. Any attempt to create a society without exploitation or genetically modify humans to remove the greed gene would likewise result in our rapid extinction at the hands of some aggressively bourgeois society. Perhaps space aliens, or the French.

Likewise, those who...

16:23

Its Budget day! 13 of our favourite responses to make everything a bit better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Philip Hammond has delivered his Budget and Jeremy Corbyn was very angry indeed. Maybe it was the cough sweet joke that did it.

Here are our favourite responses to what the Chancellor and the Labour leader had to say.

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16:00

Automated checkouts to cheer up the elderly by being more chatty "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In an effort to make shopping less miserable for older people, automatic till systems are to become more friendly and welcoming in their interactions. The initiative follows a survey which indicates that senior citizens avoid automated systems because theyd prefer to waste time telling a complete stranger behind a till something trivial and uninteresting.

The study claimed that the elderly prefer to be served by a real person in order to have some human interaction. However, many shop workers want the exact opposite and are happiest when each of their mindless scripted questions such as Do you want any help packing that jar of marmite and box of teabags are met with a No thanks rather than having to endure a conversation about the price of carrots these days or getting asked one of the questions from The Chase.

Instead of merely informing customers about unknown items in the bagging area, the new automated systems will engage consumers in meaningless small-talk about all kinds of topics such as their grandchildren, the weather and the variety of medical ailments they are suffering from.

They will be capable of holding dull discussions on everything from the state of the local bus service to the state of next doors garden. However, the longer term aim is for them to have the capability of addressing a lull in the conversation by introducing new subjects. For example, if a customer buys butter, the system will be able to say, Dont you wish you could get back to the old days of buying half a pound of butter instead of 250 grams?

In addition to their reluctance to use automated systems, many of the old people surveyed expressed feelings of isolation and loneliness during shopping trips. This is despite them regularly spending half an hour clogging up the supermarket aisles gassing to all the other old people they meet in there every Tuesday and Friday.

15:56

These New York papers arent holding back "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

These New York papers arent holding back in their coverage of the Roy Moore saga and Donald Trumps apparent support for the Alabama Senate candidate who is accused of preying on teenagers.

Heres Trump talking about Moore.

And heres exactly what people made of that.

15:27

The Roy Moore saga told in 3 minutes and its just extraordinary "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If youve been left behind by the Roy Moore saga in the US or even if you havent this is a brilliant take on the whole thing by @nowthisnews.

Required viewing.

READ MORE

Donald Trump and Roy Moore these New York newspapers arent holding back

Source

The post The Roy Moore saga told in 3 minutes and its just extraordinary appeared first on The Poke.

15:01

Just witnessed a giant seal being chased out of a fishmongers shop "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just another day in the Irish coastal town of Wicklow.

And it turns out its not the first time.

In close up.

...

14:30

Punk Eagerly Awaits Thanksgiving Tradition of Hiding from Family in Garage "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

HANSON, Mass. Local punk Brandon Gardner will continue his annual Thanksgiving tradition of hiding from his family in his aunts garage, Gardner himself confirmed this morning.

A ritual Gardner started at the age of 12, the 27-year-old is working hard to keep the custom alive.

Every year, this is the part of the holidays I look forward to most, Gardner said of the five-hour-long ritual. Ill start with the looking-at-my-uncles-tools portion for 45 minutes, before moving on to the annual re-reading of my cousins diary from when she was 10. Traditions are important, and I hope to pass this one down to my own kids once they start hating everyone someday.

Gardner admitted that while he rarely sees his extended family, he continues the ritual for his own mental stability, which he insisted wouldnt be possible without them.

If I dont find a good hiding spot early, I run the risk of uncle Jerry [McGee] talking at me about my career choices for hours on end, said Gardner. A guy like him just cant understand that my band is actually starting to really take off. We just self-released a new full length, and booked a weekend Canadian tour in December, but hell just lecture me on retirement plans, or health insurance, or some dumb shit.

The act of hiding from family members during holiday functions is not unique to Gardner, according to sociologist Deborah Rawlings, who has studied the practice for years.

Related:

When a person from the punk subculture is dropped into a normal family setting, theyre often in an awkward position either publicly by, for example, having to explain their facial tattoos, or privately, biting their tongue so hard during political discussions that they draw blood, said Rawlings. Ive studied countless subjects who have hid in garages, but some will simply walk miles through suburban woods or, in extreme cases, hide in a giant leaf pile for hours.

Sources close to Gardner say the Thanksgiving gathering is expecte...

14:00

Im Sick of All My Favorite Racists Turning out to Be Gamers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Iknow there are a lot of people in the racist community that are still scared to speak up about this issue. Its scary, but as racists weve reached a breaking point where we have to talk about it or it will permanently damage our reputation and credibility: Too many racists lately have turned out to also be gamers.

If youre a racist this probably sounds familiar: you hear about a guy who said the -word on video. Great! Cant wait to hear more of his thoughts on the inherent superiority of the white race. Theres just one problem: he says it during a stream of something called PlayerUnknowns Battlegrounds?!

Related: If Im Such a Racist Then Why Do I Have So Many Prepared Statements to Deny It?

 

Now I have to watch an entire stream of some game just to hear one n-word. And this guy is supposed to be one of our most prominent racists?

 

Stories like these are becoming all too common. You catch wind of someone who likes to talk about black on black crime and rush over to their YouTube channel to learn more, but its filled with videos about Overwatch. Its disgusting. Its not right, and theres no place for it in our groups.

 

Heres the thing: There is absolutely no correlation between believing that whites are the master race and thinking video games are fun. No genetic predisposition, nothing in our racist literature. There are even video games where you defeat Nazis instead of hearing them out! Theres no link between the two, just predatory gamers trying to turn our young racists.

 

Its not too late, but there has been serious damage done to the racist brand. Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twitter, has done everything he can to give loud and proud racists the biggest platform possible, but he still wont ban gamers. This has allowed them to seep deeper into our community and I dont know if I can forgive Jack for that.

 

And dont get me started on YouTube! I thought I could trust them to give my 9-year-old son Evan plenty of safe viewing material about how Mexicans are out to steal the jobs of hard-working whites. Three days ago he asked me about getting a Nintendo Switch. Are you fucking kidding me? Hes 9.

 

Keep your lecherous gamer hands off my kid, and off the kids of other well-meaning white nationalists!

 

Solving this problem wont be easy. It could take years of tiring, thankle...

13:54

That rare moment when you find yourself cheering Piers Morgan "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Okay so he was the latest in a long line of easy targets that they line up for Piers Morgan to knock down, but we still gave a little cheer today when this happened.

In case youre wondering who the guy is.

13:50

Help Britain Charity Film (1971) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

 

In 1971 the council released a short film which predicted the state of the nation by 2025. While the film is no longer extant, these three frames have been found in our archive.

According to the transcript, the film anticipated Britain joining and leaving the European Union and becoming a nation of racist immigrants who intern themselves in camps and try to get themselves deported. It also predicted that Southern Britain would become a dumping ground for international toxic waste. This leads to the genetic modification of Brits who eventually become a delicacy in Japan and the only known food item that complains.

13:00

Explorer rescued from shopping centre after 5 day ordeal "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An explorer who ventured into a vast shopping centre without a mobile phone has been rescued after 5 days by a national newspaper.  Jeremy Fisher, a 57-year-old adventurer from Romford, had set out to find a lost tribe of helpful shop assistants that could help him cancel his subscription to Sky.

Id heard tell of the Sky cancellations department, but no-one had been able to make contact with them for years. They could be the last group of customer service representatives on the planet yet to communicate with the western world, said Fisher.  Undeterred, he set out to track down a Sky booth in the vast jungle of Bluewater.  Armed only with a map and a Nectar loyalty card, the mission was fraught with danger.

It immediately became obvious that the map was out of date, he explained. Where a WH Smith was supposed to be, stood a shiny new Costa. I tried making contact with the locals, but they all had their faces in their phones. Without WhatsApp, I had no way of starting up a rapport.

After 30 minutes, Fisher was lost, disoriented and hungry. He hadnt even remembered to bring his pet dog to eat.  The indigenous population seemed well fed, but I was worried that their diet would be harmful to me. I have irritable bowel syndrome, which was caused by trying to change my British Gas tariff in 2013, he said today.

Fisher made a shelter and hid for the following 4 nights in the smart watch section of John Lewis. For some reason, not one person bothered me in there. Eventually, out of desperation he rooted through a bin where he found an old Daily Mail, read the headline and exclaimed a loud oh for fucks sake.  Thats when security found me, and escorted me to the door. Im so grateful, I was getting desperate. I think I was suffering from mall-aria.

Newscat

12:29

No matter how bad your commute, it could be worse. Could be this "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hello? Its me. Im running a bit late, theres a bit of traffic.

This is what its all about.

And here it is again. Different angle.

And guess what?

Heck.

12:15

Best takedown youll see of the Daily Mail after that Paperchase bust-up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres James OBrien giving his take on the Daily Mail after that unfortunate business with Paperchase.

This ones going to run and run. A bit like the Daily Mail, unfortunately.

12:00

Military Drone Pilot Gives Trump Unplugged Controller to Play With "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON Military drone pilot 1st Lt. Juan Herrera was ordered by White House Chief of Staff John Kelly to give President Trump a Wiimote to play with in an effort to keep him occupied, sources claim.

Kelly, reportedly desperate for an opportunity to regroup after months supervising the president, presented Trump the functionless controller and pleaded with him to help carry out a series of important missions.

General Kelly asked that I give Mr. President the controller and let him sit with me while I carry out missions, Lt. Herrera said. I was also ordered to tell the him that he was actually the one controlling the drone on my monitor.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

As of press time, Trump has been playing drones with Herrera for 2 weeks and all signs indicate that he remains unaware of the ineffectiveness of his controller.

Its weird. He kinda mashes the buttons like a little kid, then smiles at my screen, Herrera continued. One time he just zoned out for like 15 minutes, then sat up and started mashing buttons as if he suddenly remembered hes supposed to be piloting the drone. Even after all that he still hasnt realized his controllers not doing shit.

The President spoke off the cuff about his recent missions, at a luncheon honoring teenage entrepreneurs earlier today.

Ive spent all day killing bad hombres in Namibia, he said, ignoring the text on the teleprompter. Barron says if I get a seven killstreak they give me an attack helicopter. Its gonna be the best helicopter youve ever seen!

Pew! Pew! Pew! High score! he added.

According to Herrera, the rest of the White House staff fully support Kellys move, and are asking that no one tell him his controller is unplugged.

Were also not supposed to tell him Im Mexican, he said. So if you see him, keep that hush-hush.

...

12:00

This is why more football teams should kick off like this "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It would be a lot more fun.

Might not look quite so clever when it doesnt come off, though.

READ MORE

Maddest 58 seconds of football youll see this week

Source

The post This is why more football teams should kick off like this appeared first on The Poke.

12:00

Actors Playing Video Game in Ad Not Convincing Anybody "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

HOUSTON A recent focus group conducted by Nintendo found that while most polled thought the Switch console sounded like a lot of fun at a very fair price point, none of the participants were convinced that the actors in the ad were actually using the product displayed.  

Oh yeah, I want one of those real bad, said Travis McAlpine, a male gamer aged seventeen to thirty-five.  They have great titles youre just not going to get anywhere else.  I dont believe for a second that anyone in those videos were actually playing them, but whatever. Im used to horribly inaccurate portrayals of my hobby in television and film.

No one respects me, least of all the people trying to sell me products I legitimately enjoy, added McAlpine.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

The series of advertisements showcasing upcoming Nintendo Switch software featured dozens of attractive co-ed models huddled around the gaming console, thrilled with the library of multiplayer games being showcased.

Um, yeah, I brought my Switch to a party last year right when I got it, said Charlene Smith. Once everyone figured out it didnt play Wii Sports, I spent the night playing Splatoon in the garage until my friends were ready to leave. Not at all like the experience I just watched. I dont think the party even had access to a roof.

...

11:46

Spot the snow leopard "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres something to keep you occupied while you wait for the next episode of Blue Planet 2.

Got it yet?

Need help?

Still need help? (We did)

11:21

An unfortunate design flaw meant this school statue had to be covered up very quickly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone commissioned this, someone designed this, someone approved this, someone sculpted this, and presumably a whole bunch of people watched it being unveiled.

And yet, this happened.

Can you spot why it may have raised a few eyebrows?

...

11:00

Historical re-enactment of JFK assassination ends in violent shoot out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

aliens! it was aliens all alongThe world is in shock after 50th anniversary re-enactments of the killing of President Kennedy ended in chaos with a gun battle breaking out across Dealey Plaza in which a number of people were shot.

Were not sure exactly how this happened, said Chesney Benson, head of the JFK Assassination Society, but we suspect foul play. One of our men, dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald, was in position at the Texas School Book Depository and was just about to shoot a man dressed as President Kennedy, when a number of other shots were simultaneously fired.

The resultant salvo of magic bullets ended in the shooting of the man dressed as Kennedy, a man dressed as Governor Connally and a man in the crowd dressed as a spectator.

This was clearly the work of more than one historical re-enactment society, said a man dressed as Kevin Costner dressed as Jim Garrison. All the evidence suggests that there was a second re-enactment taking place near the grassy knoll and that the first re-enactment society was just a patsy.

A man dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald strongly rejected claims that he was a patsy, before being immediately shot and killed by a passing Jack Ruby tribute act.

Meanwhile, more conspiracy theories have since developed following the emergence of video footage taken by a man dressed as Abraham Zapruder. The footage clearly suggests the existence of multiple re-enactment societies hidden all around Dealey Plaza, dressed as the Soviet Union, Cuba, the Mafia, the FBI and the CIA.

To resolve the confusion President Obama has called for a historical re-enactment of the Warren Commission. However, the investigation is unlikely to produce any results until 2021, when it is expected to clear everyone of any involvement and say nothing actually happened.

This is a tragic day for historical re-enactment societies, said a man dressed as Walter Cronkite, desperately trying to hold back the tears. We needed this like we needed a hole in the head.

The prospect of fifty more years of conspiracy theories has raised concerns that they might provoke another three hour movie by Oliver Stone. Nobody wants to sit through a seemingly endless litany of wild and crazy conspiracies, said President Obama. We already get that each night with Fox News.

07:56

When you text someone with voice recognition while playing the trombone "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres what happened when Paul the jazz trombonist accidentally texted his wife with voice recognition while playing the trombone.

Most accurate example of voice recognition weve ever seen.

Source...

07:44

Guess when its a turkey he asks for permission "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Donald Trump doing the annual White House tradition of pardoning a turkey for Thanksgiving. Heres what happened, with the perfect caption.

Maybe he remembered this.

Rumour had it instead of pardoning a turkey, Trump would go round and kill all the turkeys pardoned by Barack Obama.

It appears that didnt happen.

And in the unlikely event you need reminding.

...

06:39

Greens Reportedly Infighting Over Whether Di Natales Shaman Has Too Much Influence "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Inside sources from the Australian Greens party say that they hope their Federal representatives can survive the party room turbulence that has arisen after Senator Ludlam triggered the collapse of democracy in Australia by revealing his dual-citizenship earlier this year. Different factions within the party, both at state and federal level beleive []

The post Greens Reportedly Infighting Over Whether Di Natales Shaman Has Too Much Influence appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:55

Local Boomers Not Thrilled With The Fact Their Daughter Met Her Fianc On Tinder "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Speaking candidly to The Advocate once hed left his comfy Betoota Heights Queenslander, local father Malcolm Coolie said that while hes happy for his middle daughter hes not rapt with the fact that she met him on popular dating app, Tinder. It just rubs me the wrong way, []

The post Local Boomers Not Thrilled With The Fact Their Daughter Met Her Fianc On Tinder appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:25

Brisbane Baby Boomer Confident In LNPs Chances After Waving At Traffic For 4 Hours "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT An outspoken local and avid reader of the works of Murdoch, has come back to his gated community in The Gap today, confident hes boosted his favourite parties numbers substantially. The humble optimism came after Cooke pulled a two-hour stint on the corner of Waterworks and Settlement Roads this morning. []

The post Brisbane Baby Boomer Confident In LNPs Chances After Waving At Traffic For 4 Hours appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:26

Shannon Noll Lights Up Tamworths Peel St After Being Snubbed Of Golden Guitar Nomination "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT In an applaudable act of defiance, Australias favourite country rocker, Shannon Noll left a plume of smoke throughout the streets of Tamworth last night after he was overlooked for Golden Guitar nomination. Eyewitness reports say Nollsy, who needs no introduction, was in full zero-fucks-given mode as he entered Tamworth Tyre []

The post Shannon Noll Lights Up Tamworths Peel St After Being Snubbed Of Golden Guitar Nomination appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:46

Peculiar Older Male Teacher At Private School All Of A Sudden No Longer Spoken About "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A bizarre older man that has spent several decades teaching at local private school has been removed from his role and is no longer spoken about, it has been confirmed. The school has not clarified whether or not it was retirement, or a forced resignation, but they have said that he is no []

The post Peculiar Older Male Teacher At Private School All Of A Sudden No Longer Spoken About appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:12

Local Residents Celebrate Big Town Status After Rumours Of A 2nd Maccas Are Confirmed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Today is a day of particular note for the small country town of Wellington in Central Western New South Wales. Today is the day the small country town became a big country town (according to its residents). The transitory process was initiated by the global fast food giant McDonalds submitting a Development []

The post Local Residents Celebrate Big Town Status After Rumours Of A 2nd Maccas Are Confirmed appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

SatNav character latest to make sex pest allegations "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The flood of accusations of historic sexual harassment against Hollywood luminaries, politicians and others has flushed out another hitherto cowed victim. Sarah, the well-spoken default female voice on the best-selling Garmin Drivesmart 70lmt, has opened up about the years of abuse she has suffered at the hands of male drivers.

The sales reps were the worst in the early years, she said. Almost anything I said to them was treated as innuendo. When I first spoke, it was Ooh, posh bird, eh? Like a bit of rough, do you?. If I said Go around the roundabout, theyd go Wahey! Never heard it called that before. As for what they said theyd like to do when I told them to Turn around when possible, its too disgusting to even talk about.

At first, Sarah told herself to remain calm and professional. I dont have anything against men far from it. Some of the older male drivers in the Isle of Wight were perfect gentleman and even thanked me every time I gave them instructions, she said. Some just said Sorry, dear and looked at their feet, but at least they did what I asked them to.

Things took a turn for the worse in 2014 when the Drivesmart was installed in new model BMWs. Smutty banter gave way to torrents of abuse, leaving Sarah on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Every time she said In one mile, take the exit, drivers would tell her to fuck off or shout Bollocks to that, bitch, Im going straight on.

I think it was a power thing for them to have a young, educated woman at their mercy, she sobbed. They could have switched to Siobhan, the elderly Irish lady, or Karen, a right slapper from Newcastle who would have loved any kind of attention, they could have had any number of male voices, but they almost all chose me. In the end, I had a nervous breakdown.

Sarah has since resigned and put in an action against BMW at an employment tribunal, on the grounds of constructive dismissal and failure to carry out its duty of care. BMW has declined to comment on the case as it is sub judice, but said that it is recalling 400,000 drivers as a precaution.

00:53

Ange Resigns To Focus On His Figs After Melbournes Water Restrictions Are Repealed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Today it has been announced that the Australian soccer team will need to find a new coach in the next six months, after 2018 after Ange Postecoglou announced he is stepping down from the role ahead of the 2018 world cup. Postecoglou joined Football Federation Australia (FFA) chief David Gallop to announce his []

The post Ange Resigns To Focus On His Figs After Melbournes Water Restrictions Are Repealed appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:01

This Rodney Bewes story about Jimi Hendrix and the Likely Lads theme tune will make your day better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Rodney Bewes has died aged 79 and you can see lots of peoples favourite clips of the Likely Lads star here.

Bewes had a bit of a reputation for embellishing a story or two, and yet this is one of his that we really, really want to be true.

Thanks to @prodnose on Twitter for remembering it, and @herring1967 for writing a piece about it in Metro.

Heres what Herring had to say after meeting Bewes in Edinburgh.

Bewes claimed that Jimi Hendrix had played on the theme tune to the Likely Lads. Pull the other one, mate; its got Bob Holness playing the saxophone solo from Baker Street on it. Bewes has something of a reputation for exaggeration and I expressed disbelief. However, he stuck to his guns.

He said that theyd been recording the theme tune at a studio with Mike Hugg (the drummer with Manfred Mann who also wrote a few TV theme tunes), when Jimi knocked on the door. Hed been recording in the room next door and had liked what hed heard and asked to join in.

Bewes said that he went home that night and told his wife hed been jamming with Jimi Hendrix and she said: Oh Rodney, why do you keep making this rubbish up? Bewes looked at me with his wide and innocent eyes saying: But this time it was true.

He was admitting that he was known for his bull shtick but was this a clever ruse from a practised weaver of yarns or the truth from a man hoist with his own petard? Why were you in the studio? I queried. That wasnt you singing the theme tune, was it? Bewes smiled and said that it was.

You can read the full article here.

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Tuesday, 21 November

23:37

RIP Rodney Bewes. People have been sharing favourite clips and memories of the Likely Lads star "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

People have been paying tribute to Likely Lads actor Rodney Bewes, who has died aged 79.

Here are some of our favourite tributes and clips that have been shared online.

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22:21

Bernardi Demands Schools Teach That 40% Is Worth More Than 60% "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Liberal party defector Cory Bernardi has issued a press release demanding that in light of the results of the Marriage Equality survey Australian schools must start teaching students that 40% is worth more than 60%.

Its patently obvious to Myself and my good friend Lyle Shelton that the real winner of the marriage equality survey is the No camp, said Senator Bernardi. I mean we managed to get almost 40% of the population to vote our way.

What did the Yes camp get 60%, thats not nearly as impressive as almost 40%. Schools should teach students that 40% is higher than 60%, its common sense.

When pressed on what evidence he had that 40% was higher than 60% Senator Bernardi replied: If 60% is higher than 40% then why has it not passed yet and why did the Prime Minister take a week off. Shouldnt he have stayed in parliament till it was passed?

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull was unavailable for comment as he and the rest of the Liberal party were in hiding until their prodigal son Barnaby Joyce had returned to the flock.

Mark Williamson

www...

20:04

Ive Been Collecting Comics Ever Since I Was 10 Years Too Old "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Alright, Ill admit it: Im a huge nerd.

When most people watch superhero movies like Thor: Ragnarok, theyre just settling in for some mindless fun. But, to a geek like me whos been collecting comic books since the tender age of 23, these are so much more than stories about men in spandex dishing out fistfuls of justice and clever one liners. I just cant understate how huge an impact comic books had on my awkward, post-adolescent years.

I couldnt help but relate to Peter Parker, whose struggle to balance his personal and professional life with his responsibilities as Spider-Man mirrored my own struggle to manage my punk band while navigating unemployment insurance.

Batman, who turned his fear of bats into a symbol of justice, inspired me to turn my fear of women into a one-man show.

I even sympathized with villains like Thanos, whose persistent romantic advances on Mistress Death were met with scorn simply because, like me, he had an aggressively receding hairline.

Related: Capcom Teases Marvel Vs. Capcom Vs. Brown Vs. The Board of Education

 

I remember spending tens of minutes in the comic book section of Amazon.com, splurging on hardcover trades of Sandman or Frank Millers run on Daredevil with the allowance my parents sent me for rent. While other kids my age were out partying or getting engaged, I was digging through the Marvel Unlimited back catalogue.

People think comic books are just silly entertainment, but the medium is filled with serious explorations of profound themes. Before discovering V for Vendetta, for instance, I genuinely thought the best way to make a political impact was through voting. Now, every year on election day, you can find me outside the polling station in a Guy Fawkes mask, demanding the corrupt political establishment relinquish their power.

So maybe youd smirk at the stacks of comics on my bedroom floor and the Funko Pop! action figures that line my windowsill in lieu of potted plants. After all, Im 29: in the eyes of the law, Im technically an adult!

And sure, more traditional books for grown ups might teach me about personal finance or the economic impact of urban planning. But Marvel and DC taught me about myself. I owe comic books for guiding me through the trials of love, identity, and all the other challenges that come with not growing up.

 

Article by Jake Goldin:...

19:45

13 times David Harbour Stranger Things Jim Hopper won the internet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Everyone loves David Harbour, AKA Jim Hopper from Stranger Things. Heres 13 reasons why.

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19:19

Turkeys Still Awaiting Pardon At Final Hour: Trump Insider Claims President May Need All Pardons For His Friends & Family "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tweet TowerTwo turkeys, Ozzy & Harriet, are desperately awaiting word of the presidents overdue pardon. The National Pardoning Ceremony is a time honored tradition, but, thus far in his presidency, Donald Trump has ignored most customs and traditions. The turkeys are demanding the president keep his word and pardon the two before they become the guests of honor

17:58

This gif of how popular childrens names have changed over time is mesmerising "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This animation of how the most popular childrens names have changed in America over the last half century or so has got us hooked.

First the girls.

And then the boys.

Cue lots of head scratching about why some names came and went.

Theyre not kidding.

...

16:39

Daft Limmy made a joke about Charles Manson but not everyone got it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Twitter @DaftLimmy likes winding people up.

And he appears to have excelled even his own high standards with this tweet in the wake of the death of murderer and cult leader, Charles Manson.

Not everyone appreciated it, as you might imagine. Heres just a selection of the most furious and/or downright confused.

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16:30

Punk Kindergartner Draws One-Feathered Hand Turkey "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ST. LOUIS Five-year-old punk kindergartner Trisha Saunders drew attention this morning during an arts and crafts session for drawing a hand turkey with one single feather, outraged staff confirmed.

Some of the younger staff applauded Trisha for her creativity on a very cute drawing, but Ive been around this game for a while. I know what that kid was trying to pull, said crafts supervisor Jane Salter. This was a direct message to authority. Theres no way Ill hang this on the big, blue board with the other hand turkeys.

Saunders, who has been outspoken against Thanksgiving crafts in the past, was very forthcoming about the meaning behind the piece.

Dees guys is fascists, and dey can fuck off [sic], said Saunders, gesturing to a photo of pilgrims before pointing at another picture of a dog, exclaiming, He a puppy, crawling on the floor and barking.

School faculty allegedly encouraged Saunders to draw a more traditional hand turkey, but reports show the young student only became more combative.

Related:

We tried everything we offered her extra cookies if she did the drawing with all five fingers. But, apparently, shes vegan, and we didnt have any Oreos, so it only made her more upset, said Ms. Salter. She then tore the Assck patch off of her Peppa Pig backpack with her teeth and screamed, I am not a student, I am a dinosaur!

Despite the backlash, Saunders has earned some fans.

I just hope she draws like this forever, said Cheryl Morales, the artists grandmother, who hopes to hang the work on her refrigerator. They grow up so fast. Only yesterday, I asked if she wanted to read her favorite story, and she screamed, No, ya ya! Evasion is for babies! and stormed out of the room.

Shes just too young to start reading Chomsky, Morales later added.

UPDATE: New reports show that Saunders just began her daily nap, which critics claim will likely make the artist much more agreeable.

Take...

16:12

Its Budget week so heres a graphic showing wage theft vs other types of theft like burglary "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its Budget today on Wednesday so heres something to think about before we all get royally screwed over by the bloke who thinks there arent any unemployed people in the UK.

Feeling better? No, didnt think so. What about this one?

Lots of people asking about sources, but there appear to be several.

READ MORE

Chancellor Philip Hammond says there are no unemployed people in the UK and hes only about 1.4 million out

The post...

16:00

Brexit included in Black Friday offer "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Much to the surprise of shoppers, the UK has reduced its worth by 70% to the price of a discount Belgium or a top-end electric toothbrush. This Friday, trade deals will be available for a fraction of their original cost, with consumers expected to rush out to buy a 55-inch Smart TV or a Boris Johnson 76-inches of Dumb.

Theresa May is offering large portions of the economy to anyone with store credit or a plan to win the next election. While those with Amazon Prime, or watching The Walking Dead, can experience Brexit a full year before everyone else.

One Consumer Watchdog warned: Just because the UK is going cheap, doesnt mean its a bargain. Investors should be wary of budget economies, unbranded policies or anything Michael Gove has had a hand in. Normally Black Friday ends at midnight, but I suspect the UK will be cut-price for years to come.

Said one EU representative: Id been standing in queue for 24 hours waiting for David Davis to open shop. Then at the last minute, there was a blind panic, as everyone pushed into negotiations. It was only then that we discovered the room was empty, apart from one damaged Paw Patrol Sea Patroller which they said was the UKs new fisheries policy.

15:09

People have been sharing how their pets names have evolved and its rather lovely "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Twitter @mooseallain got people thinking about what they called their pets vs what they REALLY call their pets.

And it didnt stop there.

It struck a chord with a load of people and prompted a whole host of replies.

Here are some of our favourites.

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14:38

All you need to know about the new slightly older young persons railcard "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Early news from tomorrows budget is that the young persons railcard is going to become the slightly older persons railcard.

Youll now be able to buy the 30 discount card until youre 30, up from the current 16 to 25-year-old age limit.

Here are our favourite responses online.

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14:30

Misfits Logo Passes Algebra Test with After-School Help from Descendents Logo "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LODI, N.J The Crimson Ghost, the longtime logo for the Misfits, successfully passed its algebra test last week thanks to after-school tutoring from a caricature drawing of Milo Aukerman, the Descendents iconic logo, sources close to the popular logos confirmed.

Im glad to see the Crimson Ghost putting away the comic books and old monster movies for once, and finally start applying itself, said Pigpen, the Grateful Dead Bear who taught the class. Its honestly and I dont use this term lightly really groovy.

The straight-laced Descendents logo knew that improving the Crimson Ghosts test scores would be no easy task.

It took a lot of coffee-fueled nights, and a few missed fishing trips, but I wanted to help my friend in need, the Milo doodle said. Im just glad ol Crimmy came to me and not that alcoholic Social Distortion skeleton. Those two wouldnt have gotten anything done. [The Misfits logo] has got a great vocabulary, but math just is not his thing. Before I got involved his GPA was a measly .138.

The legendary Misfits logo was reportedly beside himself after receiving his test scores, and could not thank his line-drawing friend enough for the tutoring.

It was really ghoul of him to help me out, the Misfits logo growled earnestly. Especially after I killed his friend, Jean, earlier in the semester. I did have mommys permission to do so, but I could see why hed still be upset.

Overcome with joy, he added, Whoooooaaa whooooooooaa, whoa!

Related:

Now on the fast track to graduation, the iconic images are looking forward to the future.

For the first time ever, I can see myself pursuing higher education. I really dont want to go into the family horror business, said the Crimson Ghost. In my opinion, theres too much of that, anyway.

For his part, the Descendents mascot more than shared his cohorts enthusiasm. Oh, Crimmy is definitely going to college one way or another, he said, whether on his own, or, more likely, scrawled on a notebook, or a poorly done tattoo.

Pick up a b...

14:00

Besides the Devilock, My Mom Was Right About This Being a Phase "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I can finally admit my mother was right about my clothing, political beliefs, and everything else I had used to define myself as a person were simply passing phases that I was going to grow out of. Except for this righteous devilock, of course. That shit is forever.

Sometimes you just have to take a long look in the mirror, accept ownership of your mistakes, fix any stray hairs in your otherwise perfect devilock, and admit when youre wrong.

There was a time when I was just a dumb teenager listening to bad music, wearing wristbands and Tripp pants, and rocking a sweet devilock. Now, thanks to my mom, Im a productive member of society with a tie, a 401K, and a sweet devilock.

Howd she know Id regret a My Chemical Romance tattoo across my forehead? Or how all those piercings would lead to lost job opportunities? Or that wearing spikes and studs on every article of clothing was a safety hazard? I mean, she was wrong about this outstanding devilock keeping me from finding true love but everything else was spot on.

Related: Lena Dunhams Bravery Inspired Me to Admit I Like Graves-Era Misfits

 

I was nave to think that the lifestyle I was living as a teenager would be permanent. I thought anarchy would last forever, but its just not feasible. Unlike this badass devilock thats really helping me go places at the firm.

The lessons my mom taught me echo the famous Benjamin Franklin quote: In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except bitchin hair styles like the devilock and a rattail.

Want to preserve your punk rock identity at work? Thanks to our patented punk-nonofibers, Hard Times shirts can now be worn underneath your suit:

13:18

David Davis makes unfortunate exit and its the perfect metaphor "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres David Davis telling everyone just how swimmingly the Brexit negotiations are going. Mind your step there, double D!

And here it is again. Siri, give me the perfect metaphor for Brexit.

Here he was arriving for the talks earlier today.

Source

The...

13:07

Finally a film about the ghost of a dead dog planning their best friends wedding "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Youve seen movies about ghosts, youve seen movies about dogs, and youve seen movies about people planning their best friends wedding.

But what you really want to see is a movie that combines all three of these plots at the same time.

The trailer went viral because people couldnt possibly believe it was real. It is.

Its Marley and Me meets My Best Friends Wedding meets Sixth Sense.

The guy from Slate summed it up best.

Heres what other people thought of it on Twitter.

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13:00

Hammonds non-unemployed to build 300,000 homes out of Weetabix "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Chancellor of the Exchequer Phillip Hammond is to announce in the budget speech the building of 300,00 family homes for the benefit of 1.4 million non-unemployed labourers using wholly renewable edible breakfast materials. The Chancellor hinted at the proposal by mentioning when interviewed that there are no unemployed, which came as a surprise to those claiming Jobseekers Allowance also causing hysteria throughout several government departments.

Its understood the houses will be constructed from precision-engineered Weetabix bricks with sugar-glass windows and Shredded Wheat thatched roofing; all being eco-friendly, sustainable and tasty with yoghurt.

The new homeowners would be technically employed by the government receiving the new Jobsleepers Allowance as remuneration for the farming, manufacture and perpetual replacement and renewal of the buildings structure, keeping the project viable year-on-year throughout the lifetime of the owner.

DavidH

12:48

Pearce fails to close out own press conference on future "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

PEARCE CRUMBLED WHEN JOURNALISTS STARTED TO APPLY THE BLOWTORCH.

PEARCE CRUMBLED WHEN JOURNALISTS STARTED TO APPLY THE BLOWTORCH.

Former Roosters number seven Mitchell Pearce has failed to complete a press conference about his future when the heat was on in the final stages.

All looked to be going well for Pearce early, with the words flowing nicely and solid sentence construction a noticeable feature in his responses, however, when the questions became more pointed, Mitchell appeared to cave under the increasing scrutiny.

When News Limiteds Paul Kent asked him where he sees himself in 2018, the signature Pearce wobbles started to creep into the interview.

Can I have that question again please Paul? Pearce responded with a panicked tenor in his voice.

Look, I cant hear you matewhen is 2018 anyway? I dont even know what that is supposed to mean? Im Mitchell Starc, I mean Pearce! Wayne Pearce, no Mitch, Im Mitch get fucked, an unhinged Pearce waffled before going down with a groin injury.

Thankfully Luke Keary was on hand to finish the press conference in place of Pearce who was forced to retire early with a stomach complaint.

FEEL MOST NRL PODCASTS DONT DISAGREE ENOUGH WITH THE SELECTION OF JOSH DUGAN IN ANY TEAM? THEN THIS PODDY MIGHT BE FOR YOU!

newlogoaim1

12:34

These 2 minutes will confirm everything you thought about Donald Trump voters "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This confirms everything you ever suspected about people who voted for Donald Trump and its worth every one of its 100 seconds.

Heres what people made of it on Twitter.

12:05

Newsnight did a thing about the Queens 70th wedding anniversary and were 10 years out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

On the 70th wedding anniversary of the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh, Newsnight presenter Emily Maitlis was keen to draw parallels between the day they married and the political climate of today.

Under grey skies and cheered on by thousands of well wishers,
Princess Elizabeth married Philip Mountbatten on 20th of November 1937.

Back then remember Britains relationship with the rest of Europe was about to change dramatically, a Conservative prime minister was engaged in crucial talks on the Continent while facing mutiny from his own ranks back home, and Spain was in crisis as warring factions fought for control.

Some things dont change, including those grey skies.

Fascinating stuff, except they married on 20 November 1947, not 1937.

Close, but no knighthood.

Heres what they made of it on Twitter.

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12:00

Theme Park Patrons Getting Nervous About That Giant Hole "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LAFFY TOWN The Laffy Town Amusement Park is known for its thrilling roller coasters and family friendly atmosphere, so it was a surprise to many when a large, mysterious hole appeared in a far corner of the park, leading many to wonder what it would be used for.  

I dont know whats going in there, but I cant wait to ride it! said a guest named Susan, who wasnt given a last name.  Whatever it is, Im sure itll have a huge drop and afterwards Ill return safely to my loved ones with some new memories to share.

While some were assured it would be a ride of great value, others were skeptical of the holes purpose, speculating that it may not be a new ride being built, but something else entirely. The park has yet to release an official statement on the matter.  

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

It just feels really strange, said Dan, a Laffy Town guest who has been wandering the park grounds for the last six days. Ever since that hole showed up, I havent been able to find my buddy Tim.  Last time I saw him, he was complaining about hot dog prices, then I turned around and hed just vanished.  

While many guests are growing anxious to discover the reasons behind the hole, the mood around the park has grown quite a bit more positive since its appearance.  

I havent heard a single complaint today,  said Nick, a maintena...

12:00

Star Wars Themed Wedding Not Following Canon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

SCARSDALE, N.Y. Guests in attendance at Dan and Beth Millers Star Wars themed wedding were outraged to find it did not follow universally recognized canon, sources indicate.

Beth dressed as Princess Leia and Dan was straight up Chewbacca, said Kyle Sanders, brother of the bride. I know Disney tossed the whole extended universe out the window but this shit is offensive. Plus theres stormtroopers everywhere?! When the Empire meets with the Rebel Alliance, there are always casualties.

Plus, the best man was Luke Skywalker, Sanders added. But the guy wore a glove over his left hand. By the time Luke got the robotic hand, he was wearing Jedi garb. This wedding is amateur hour.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

The discrepancy in what constituted appropriate wedding attire inspired Sanders to speak up, insisting the Imperial March be paused so that he may air his grievance.

You cant do the blue lightsaber and robotic hand you fucking idiot! he shouted. He literally lost the blue lightsaber at the same exact time he lost his hand Which was his right hand, by the way. I knew I had a bad feeling about you when Beth brought you home! he continued.

Guests were less perturbed that Sanders was dressed as Han Solo, which implies that he and his sister Beth, shouldve been the ones getting married.

I was against the theme from the beginning. I told them I wouldnt pay for a wedding with costumes, but they wore me down, said the brides mother Alice Whetstone. But if I have to pay the bill for this nonsense, the least they could have done is get the details right. You wanna have a giant slug thing give you away instead of your father? Fine, do what you want. But if were spending this kind of money, at least get the details right!

Many guests reported that the rest of the ceremony was incident free. The reception, however,...

11:30

Man tattoos crushs face on arm is the worst thing youll see on Facebook today "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A late entry in the hotly contested list whats the creepiest (but not technically illegal) thing a man has ever done? comes this extraordinary Facebook post about a man who has tattooed his crushs face onto his arm.

Yes really. Who does that? WHO?

Wow. I really dont like to judge people for their tattoo choices because mine are literally just things I like rather than super deep and meaningful and I often get whatever I feel on a whim but my god this absolutely next level. says realTimSanchez.

Source: Reddit

The post Man tattoos crushs face on arm is the worst thing youll see on Facebook today appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

Osborne now working part-time on building site "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

George Osborne is now spending most of his working week on a building site in Londons east end, according to colleagues. He seems to prefer pretending to be a builder than managing the economy, said an unnamed Treasury source. It was all we could do to talk him out of delivering the Autumn Statement wearing a hard hat and hi-vis jacket.

Colleagues are also concerned that the chancellors new obsession with housebuilding is having an adverse impact on his performance in Cabinet. We were discussing housing policy last week, says health secretary Jeremy Hunt, and he started going on about the advantages of beam and block over a suspended timber floor.

When I said I had no idea what he was talking about he scoffed and said that I wouldnt last 2 minutes on his site and that he could tell from my soft hands that I hadnt done an honest days work in my life. Then when Priti Patel came in he wolf whistled and said the kitchens next door, luv. David really should say something but hes afraid that some of Georges new roughneck chums might come round and be beastly to him.

Osbornes secretary is also concerned about the Chancellors recent behaviour. He was due to have lunch at his club last week with the CEO of a multi-national but when I reminded him he said bollocks to that and that he was going down Greggs for some nosebag with two associates called Muppet Stan and Bovril Dave. Then when I brought his mid-morning cuppa he spat it out and said whats this? Its weaker than a nuns piss. I said it was Earl Grey and he told me to get him a proper builders tea with enough sugars in it to make the spoon stand up.

However, site foreman Gary Atkins does not believe Osborne is cut out for working on a building site. Hes been hanging around a lot lately, says Atkins. Hes very gullible so weve sent him down the merchants for a long weight and a tin of tartan paint but he doesnt realise were taking the piss. Last week I let him have a go at putting some tiles on a roof. He was chuffed to bits but when it started to rain there was water pissing in everywhere. So much for fixing the roof when the sun shines. Haha, toilet.

10:17

Whats your YOUR terrible monarch name? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Source: Twitter/@HistoryHit

The post Whats your YOUR terrible monarch name? appeared first on The Poke.

09:07

Someone has found the full photo story of the distracted boyfriend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Twitter fan @ajabernathy has found all the pics in the famous distracted boyfriend meme and created the story of he and the girlfriends terrible relationship.

Theres twenty-two photos. Tuck in.

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08:31

Someone has trolled 4chan into drinking onion juice to be more manly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

4chan is famous for being horrible, right wing and trolling the world. But can the trolls be trolled? Happily the answer is YES.

4Chan /pol/ users are eating onions in an effort to increase their testosterone, and its not going well says @Willsommer over on Twitter.

Time and again, science has confirmed that onion and its juice boost testosterone levels sometimes threefold.

So, I just attempted to drink a cup a single cup of onion juice. Needless to say, consuming onion juice was a trying, though masculine, experience, and my entire home smells as if an uncleaned NFL locker room and Mexican kitchen converged upon a single point. I can feel the onion juice flowing through my body, coming into contact with every organ, every cell, and every bodily fluid.

I dont think Im going to be able to leave the house for a week. I tried taking a shower, but the steam combined with the onion odor emanating from my body only exacerbated the problem.

Did I mention I peppered onion powder in the onion juice?

Though this has been an overwhelming experience, I feel far more energetic, youthful, and virile. I might try this once or twice more to get the full experience. I am in need of a testosterone boost, and thus am willing to smell like an onion for a few weeks or months.

Now, this could be revolutionary if /ck/ jumped on board with our new discovery. With increased testosterone levels, we could reassert ourselves as a force in the culinary world, in society, in our communities, in the world. Who wouldve thought that onion juice would restore traditionalism to the world? No wonder the South Koreans seem so strong in 2017. They consume the most onion of any nation in the world and it shows!

And, at the end of the day, the juice of a little root plant saved Western civilization.

I use garlic as an antibiotic sometimes. I cut up the cloves, let it sit for a few mins and then mix it with V8 to make it palatable. You could try going half onion half V8. but like you said in OP the smell will still come out of your pores and people wont want to be around you. I dont recommend it unless your spending the day alone.

...

06:05

Local Creative Looking Forward To Another Christmas Of Family Career Advice "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT Local muso/visual artist Chet Streeton has revealed this week that hes very much looking forward to hearing all of the alternative career options his extended family will suggest at this years Xmas gathering. Its really great that they look out for me like that. smiled Streeton. I love hearing about []

The post Local Creative Looking Forward To Another Christmas Of Family Career Advice appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:15

Brisbanes German Community Recognised As Valued Supporters Of Test Cricket "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite the fact that their home country is not recognised as major supporter of cricket, Brisbanes proud German-Australian have been officially recognised as some of the biggest contributors to the success of international test matches. In an official pre-Ashes ceremony at the Gabba this afternoon, the board members and staff from the Brisbane []

The post Brisbanes German Community Recognised As Valued Supporters Of Test Cricket appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:49

Fishermans Friend Now Competing With Goey For The Truckies-Trying-To-Stay-Awake Market "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a significant day for the Transport Industry, it has been revealed that Fishermans Friends lozenges are slowly overtaking goey as the main stimulant on the road. The ultra-strong lollies that have a fair kick to them have now significantly eaten into the truckie whos trying not to fall asleep market. Industry-specific []

The post Fishermans Friend Now Competing With Goey For The Truckies-Trying-To-Stay-Awake Market appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:46

Promising High School Athlete Sadly Now A Personal Trainer "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MOLLY DALTON | Health | Contact Samantha Kennedy and I were great friends in high school. We played on the same soccer team and ran in the same circles we were close. But all that changed one day when a husky, loud middle-aged man stood idle on the sideline of our championship game against The []

The post Promising High School Athlete Sadly Now A Personal Trainer appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:30

Members Of AC/DC Unable To Name Single Turnbull Policy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

acdc

Aussie rockers AC/DC were at a loss when asked to name their favourite Turnbull Government policy, during an embarrassing interview on Triple M this morning

Asked by hosts Marto, Ed and Robin to name their favourite all time Turnbull policy, there was a long silence, broken by singer Brian Johnson saying, Aaaaah well good question. Another pause followed, then the bands guitarist, Angus Young, asked the broadcasters, Well, whats your favourite?

One of the hosts replied, Well, obviously not same sex marriage because the government should have passed that without wasting $122 million on a non-binding public opinion poll.

Yeah, right, agreed Young. Its not even a policy, offered Johnson.

Young then said, I liked the apology to native Australians, but breakfast host Marto pointed out that this happened under former PM Kevin Rudd, not Turnbull.

After the interview aired people took to social media to again voice their sympathy over the recent death of founding band member Malcolm Young. Malcolm Turnbull also tweeted, saying Greedy Smith has always been a favourite in the Turnbull house. He will be missed.

The tweet was later removed when the Prime Minister was informed that Greedy Smith was a singer in the band, Mental as Anything, and is still alive.

____________________________

By Rhett Walton 

03:24

Katter Calls For $120m Plebiscite On Whether Crocs Should Be Allowed To Eat North Queenslanders "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

KENT REGINALD | Entertainment | CONTACT Maverick MP Bob Katter has today renewed calls for a new $120 million plebiscite into whether crocodiles should be allowed to eat North Queenslanders or not. Katter stated, in a press release, that he believes it is every Australians right to have a say in whether or not North Queenslanders were worth keeping []

The post Katter Calls For $120m Plebiscite On Whether Crocs Should Be Allowed To Eat North Queenslanders appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:14

Christian Baker Shouldnt Be Discriminated Against For Discriminating Against Gays "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As a member of the most politicised and considered minority in Australia, a devout Christian baker has today come out swinging against 61% of the nation who think his religious views should remain inside his head. George Pellen (48) says he shouldnt be discriminated against for choosing to discriminate against gay people, even []

The post Christian Baker Shouldnt Be Discriminated Against For Discriminating Against Gays appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:22

Malcolm Turnbull Steps Out In His Favourite ACDC T-Shirt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Laughing off the suggestion that hes completely and utterly detached from modern Australian society, the Prime Minister was spotted at a local beach in his electorate wearing his favourite ACDC t-shirt. Telling following journalists that he simply had a brain fart yesterday on Triple M Brisbane where he was []

The post Malcolm Turnbull Steps Out In His Favourite ACDC T-Shirt appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Universal Credit anomaly allows nation to live a Dickensian Christmas, says Gauke "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Anger is mounting as the DWP has defended reports, that some families claiming Universal Credit may possibly receive none over the Christmas period, by suggesting it is more of a seasonal mood enhancement and not so much the cruel, cold and heartless pedantic application of the rules, as most critics see it.
At this time of year people often think of Dickenss Christmas Carol, so they should simply see this matter, not so much as a callous move by the Government, but more of an injection of the authentic spirit of Ebeneezer Scrooge into the festive season. A sort of reality Christmas show where the entire nation takes part, if you will, said David Gauke the Secretary of State for The Department of Work and Pensions.
When pressed to clarify his meaning Mr Gauke continued: Well you see, if people know that some others less well off than themselves but still just about able to manage, are being treated in this deplorable fashion, it will enable them to fully enjoy their own bountiful Christmases all the more. And the beauty here is that no real harm will be done as those affected can simply reapply in January.
But already colleagues have moved to distance themselves from the minister. Chancellor Philip Hammond told BBC News: Id certainly like to distance myself from Davids remarks over this matter. Thats why Im off to Barbados for the next three weeks and I hope all the kerfuffle will have blown over by the time I get back so I can really enjoy my own Christmas.

 

Chipchase

00:27

Extended Family Begin Pressuring Cousins That Own A Beach House To Host Christmas "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With Christmas just over a month away, the cousins who own an eight bedroom beach house just outside of Lismore are starting to get looped into massive email chains that suggest it might be easier to have everyone at their place. It could be a lot easier for Nanna says Aunty Sally, who []

The post Extended Family Begin Pressuring Cousins That Own A Beach House To Host Christmas appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:04

Can someone explain why Japanese gameshow Slippery Stairs hasnt made it over here yet? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres a Japanese gameshow called Slippery Stairs and it mostly involves people trying to climb a load of stairs that are, you know, slippery.

Have a watch for yourself.

Im A Celebrity, look to your oats! Great British Bake Off, eat your heart out!

Its made for ITV2, right? Or Saturday night BBC1.

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23:49

You bag the perfect spot to watch a building demolished then this happens "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well, thats unfortunate timing (watch it with the sound turned up for the full effect).

Reminded us of this.

Source

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22:39

Australians To Take Next Week Off, In Solidarity With Turnbull Government "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

australia week off

Australias workforce wont be in next week, it has been revealed.

Following the example of their leader Malcolm Turnbull, the nation said it was only appropriate that they also have some downtime to allow the Senate to do its job.

Its really important that the Senate is given the time and space it needs to get on with the task of passing the same sex marriage bill. So I wont be doing any shifts next week, Sydney nurse Sarah McMahon said.

Bill Lamore, a builder from Adelaide, said he was looking forward to still getting paid during the week off. Thats the great thing about this. I can just put all my projects on hold next week but still get a paycheque come Friday. We should do this more often.

 

Christmas shopping? Buy The 2017 Shovel Annual

22:16

Bob Katters 150 Different Personalities Form Own Parliament "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Far North Queensland politician Bob Katter has vowed to form his own House of Representatives next week using the 150 separate personalities from inside his own head.

I had to kick a couple of them out for being dual citizens but fortunately Ive got plenty to spare, said the member for Kennedy as he conducted a swearing in ceremony for his 149 other personalities. Ive got a good cross section of the political spectrum rattling around in here.

According to ABC election analyst Antony Green the likely make up of the Bob Katter internal cranium parliament is a hung parliament with no clear majority for either the Katter Australia Party, the Coalition or the Labor Party.

The balance of power will likely rest with the Crocodiles Are Scary Party, the Lets Pull Over And Kill A Drifter Party and the Im A Piece Of Cheddar Will Someone Rub Me On A Cheese Grater Party, said the veteran psephologist. The lone member of the Put On A Cashmere Jumper And Pose In The Mirror Party can expect to be the target of intense lobbying from the majors.

The first duty of the new parliament will be to elect a speaker. In a radical departure from tradition every personality will take tu...

20:48

Several clubs interested in sacking Pearce "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLUBS ARE LINING UP TO TEAR UP PEARCE'S CONTRACT.

CLUBS ARE LINING UP TO TEAR UP PEARCES CONTRACT.

Mitchell Pearce has been inundated with offers to be sacked by at least four Sydney clubs, according to reports from News Limited.

Were hearing Manly would love to release Pearce this year and the Sharks have also expressed strong interest in squeezing Mitchell out of the club due to salary cap constraints in 2018, one source within the media organisation said.

Its really up to Pearce who he wants to be treated like shit by not a bad position to be in.

Pearce is expected to make a decision by the end of the week, with each prospective suitor expected to give a full presentation on how they will best sack the number seven and maximise the media fallout when it happens.

We think we would be the best option for Mitch because we can pledge to can him before kick off next year no club could offer more than that, Newcastle Knights coach Nathan Brown said.

FEEL MOST NRL PODCASTS DONT DISAGREE ENOUGH WITH THE SELECTION OF JOSH DUGAN IN ANY TEAM? THEN THIS PODDY MIGHT BE FOR YOU!

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22:42

FDA Sounds Health Alarm: Nearly 25 Percent of Americans Are Pathologically Fit and Trim "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Late last night, the Food and Drug Administration issued a public health advisory, warning that nearly 25 percent of Americans are pathologically fit and trim - victims of the newly-coined disorder known as "hyper-healthism." "We're at a turning p...

00:39

North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un Seriously Injured by Generals Losing Balance From Giant Hats and Falling on Him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Pyongyang, NK North Korean hereditary dictator, Kim Jong Un, the man who helped put the "dic" in dictator, was seriously injured today. This has caused the North Korean people to weep and wail uncontrollably, while the rest of the world cheers and co...

00:20

Trump Announces He Will Resign and Join Church of Scamatology "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Trump Tower, NY President Trump stunned the nation today when he announced that he was resigning the Presidency to join the Church of Scamatology. "I was just walking down the street and this scruffy child came up to me and handed me a flyer. It w...

Friday, 29 September

18:08

A Musician Reaps Havoc at 30,000 Feet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Saxophonist Kenny G performed an impromptu concert for charity in the First Class section of a Tampa-to-Los Angeles Delta Airlines flight last week, prompting passengers on-board to wonder 'where was a midair collision when you wanted one?'  "We...

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