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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Saturday, 17 February

00:55

Titanic passengers call for reconsideration of order to abandon ship "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We are not impressed by the confusion over the transition into the lifeboats, said a disgruntled passenger. And we should have a chance to change our minds, once we know exactly how the lifeboats will be filled, who will be in which lifeboat, how big the lifeboats are, how comfortable they will be and even whether there will be absolute certainty that there are enough lifeboats anyway.

Other passengers have voiced doubts about the whole idea of taking to the lifeboats at all. We will be adrift, alone, in the dark, in the middle of a vast ocean. Surely we should stay aboard the ship we know as it heads at full speed towards Ever Closer Union, whether that is Ever Closer Union with the USA, Ever Closer Union with an iceberg, or whatever.

Yet the ship was designed by experts and is crewed by experts very highly paid experts, too, by all accounts even if we didnt have any say in their appointment.  What could possibly go wrong?  And who invited Boris into the lifeboat?  Hes too fat for us to stay afloat and keeps demanding 350m for Jet Skis.

However many of the passengers are undecided. Perhaps, at regular intervals, we should repeatedly re-examine the idea of abandoning the ship, said one of them.  Another said: The ship was built in Northern Ireland.  The people there seem to be a calm, wise, level-headed and open-minded bunch of people, always with a clear, logical and consistent idea of what they want.  Why dont we let them decide for us?

 

00:41

CHICKEN COLESLAW ROLLS: Tradie Prepares His Cultural Dish For Lunch "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Foodie | Contact The healthy eating trend that has taken the world by storm has today trickled down into the community of Australias backbone, the tradie. Tradies across Australia have realised that their health is the one commodity that they have complete control over, so theyve begun switching their meat pies and []

The post CHICKEN COLESLAW ROLLS: Tradie Prepares His Cultural Dish For Lunch appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:31

Mum Acting Like Shes A Wanted Fugitive After Seeing Cops In Rear View "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT A local mother of 3 managed to stay at least six cars away from the police during school pickup yesterday. Tensions rose when Kylie Cass, 39, with a brief history of extremely low-level recreational drug use, was driving along Trotter Street and looked back in her rearview mirror. All of a []

The post Mum Acting Like Shes A Wanted Fugitive After Seeing Cops In Rear View appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Friday, 16 February

23:54

New Homeowner Says Come Over For A Tour Of Their 800 Sq Ft Skybox "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Managing to squeeze her way into the property market through a combination of hard work and wealthy parents, Janice Baillieu (28) insists you must have the tour of her 800 square foot Sydney apartment, despite the fact you saw most of it when you stepped inside. Come on in guys, you MUST have the []

The post New Homeowner Says Come Over For A Tour Of Their 800 Sq Ft Skybox appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:33

You Can Pry My Gun From My Kids Cold Dead Hands "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

My childs body is still warm and people are already trying to politicize her death. Wheres the decency? I worry this is the new normal. Our nation is on the verge of just accepting that politically correct nutjobs will routinely try to take guns out of the hands of children.

If it were up to these kooks, no child would have access to guns. But kids today have the right to defend themselves from school shootings dont let any of these power-hungry politicos tell you differently. The only thing stopping a bad child with a gun is a well-behaved child with a more powerful, military-style weapon they have been trained to use.

Thats the way my daughter believed, and I will honor her memory by continuing to fight for her right to know where I leave the keys to the gun safe.

I havent been this outraged since my daughters teacher showed her class video about puberty. Sex ed? These are children for gods sake. Give up my gun? I will give up my gun when they pry it from my kids cold, dead hands.

Article by Taylor De La Ossa @tayfabe_

The post You Can Pry My Gun From My Kids Cold Dead Hands
appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:03

Is this the most embarrassing pro-Brexit song youll ever hear? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

UKIP Supporter Mandy Boylett has made a terrible song about the EU divorce bill and why the UK shouldnt pay it.

Give it a watch. Its excruciating.

And they say never read the comments on YouTube. Lets go STRAIGHT to the comments.

and this

and this

Nigel Farage on a bicycle words fail us.

The post Is this the most embarrassing pro-Brexit song youll ever hear? appeared first on The Poke.

16:00

You dont have to mad to own a gun license, but it helps "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

People across America have today been mourning the loss of 17 lives following the latest this latest incident of a man brandishing his mental health, raising questions about how someone suffering from gun ownership was able to get his hands on some mental health and use it to such deadly affect.

An advocate of stricter mental health ownership said: We need to make sure people armed to the teeth with pistols, rifles, and enough ammunition to supply a small army arent able to just walk into a crowded place and start indiscriminately taking people out with their mental health.

One suggestion is to make sure teachers in school are all in possession of mental health issues to try and combat anyone committed to perpetrating a mass mental-healthing in their class.  A local resident to the recent mental-healthing and supporter of the idea said:  Its a well known fact that the best way to defend against a heavily armed bad guy with mental health issues is a good guy with mental health issues.

James Pluside

15:51

Only 90s Kids Remember Dad Smashing a Hole in the Wall with a Fax Machine "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Ready for the ultimate throwback? How many 90s kids reading this remember that day Dad smashed a fax machine against the wall?

Throwback!

He sure was mad and it sure as hell was the 90s!

Man it was a different time! We were all just relieved he didnt throw that bulky caveman technology at us!

Kids these days will never know the feeling when they see their dad throw their smartphones against the wall. Those things barely make a dent!

What a day! As iconic as the day you got your first super soaker or took your first wacky trip down a slip n slide!

Man remember the good old days? Just trying to suck down a sweet Capri Sun when BAM! Dads mad again! God those fax machines were SO bulky and GOOFY!

Related: Only 90s Kids Remember This Episode of Street Sharks Playing the Day Dad Left

 

We didnt even know what got him so riled up! We were just wacky kids!

LOL! You can hear those terrifying crash sounds like it was yesterday, just those chilling 30 seconds like a hit clip!

If you want a trip down memory lane, go to your old house! Chances are the holes still there!

Sure a lot of 90s kids remember Dad ripping your Sega Genesis out of the TV while you were playing Sonic the Hedgehog and whipping it at the Bowflex, even more remember Dad shouting CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED while you were just trying to watch ALL THAT! But only the truest of 90s kids remember the fax machine incident.

Did we miss any other traumatizing memories that only 90s kids remember? Let us know in the comments!

Article by Dan Luberto @thedanluberto

Oh man, remember t-shirts? Theyre back!

15:30

Unanswered Text Initiates Unending Cycle of Self-Loathing and Regret "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NEW YORK Local woman Angela Lefler experienced an unending cycle of self-loathing and regret last night after her post-date text message did not receive an immediate response, sources close to the anxious woman confirmed.

She was super bummed out when she got home, said Amber Miller, Leflers roommate. I dont really know why this began 5 minutes after she didnt get a response. And apparently, her text wasnt a question, so, like, its pretty reasonable he wouldnt answer at all. Plus, its late, and a weeknight. Maybe hes just doing something crazy like, I dont know sleeping.

Unfortunately, Lefler instantly assumed the worst, descending down a spiral of psychological unraveling.

OK, so I went on a date last night. It went really well, we got along great and, after, I thought a quick, Hey, that was fun! text would be nice, said Lefler, speaking uncontrollably fast. Like, I thought it went well. Maybe it didnt? Did it not? We were both laughing he seemed to have a good time and when I said, Lets do this again, he was like, Yeah, definitely, text me whenever! Why would he say that if he was gonna ghost me? Did he maybe not realize it was a date? Was I unclear?

How hard would it be to just give a quick, Haha, yeah, or something right? she asked. That seems reasonable. I think thats reasonable.

Related:

An alleged appearance of a three-dot typing alert in Leflers chat window only exacerbated her analysis and evaluation of the date.

I stupidly texted, Were you about to say something? And I know that was a mistake. I know it, said Lefler, slightly bending the outer casting on his phone from clutching it so hard. What do you think? Should I switch from WiFi to LTE? Would that even help? Is he ghosting me? Is he playing games?

Should I have waited longer to text him? Should I not have texted him at all? Should I text him again? Lefler asked, hyperventilating. Is it because I coughed without covering my mouth? Was it my hair? Am I not tall eno...

13:50

These gender-swapped British Prime Minister photos will make you boggle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Which one do you fancy?

Harold Wilson looks like a bit of a minx with her sexy pipe.

The post These gender-swapped British Prime Minister photos will make you boggle appeared first on The Poke.

13:00

US government to ban single-use bullets by 2020 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With year-on-year shootings steadily increasing throughout America, the government has bowed to pressure and moved to tackle the environmental impact of this ongoing carnage.  We have reached a point in our collective history where something needs to be done, said a White House spokesperson.  There were in excess of 60,000 incidents last year involving the discharging of a firearm and we need to ensure that every effort is being made to re-use as much of that ammunition as possible.

Full details of how this will be achieved are yet to be confirmed, but early proposals include installing recycling banks inside operating theatres and co-ordinating lead collection drives during school shooting aftermaths.

The spokesperson avoided being drawn on the topic of alternative solutions, dismissing the idea that reducing gun ownership could save both ammunition and lives as utterly absurd.

 

12:00

Heres a Helpful Rundown of Dark Souls Lore for You Pathetic Nintendo Casuals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


Dark Souls is coming out for the Nintendo Switch despite the fact Nintendo consoles are only for children. I would question FromSoftwares decision to honor your preschool console with their immaculate creation but they are Gaming Gods I dare not question.

So heres what you need to know about the story before you start this game and puberty:

The Age of Ancients

In the Dark Souls universe, the world  was shrouded in fog; inhabited by huge trees and dragons.

Dragons are like giant Yoshis but for men.

Everythings super grey, depressing, mature and made for adults, unlike all that kiddy cartoon bullshit you slurp up. However, the Age of Darkness came to an end when fire entered the world. Fire created a bunch of disparities. Light and dark, heat and cold. Everythings like two sides of the same coin.

Youd understand if you were cool and smoked kush like me.

The Four Souls

Out of the dark, a bunch of people swarmed the fire, four of which got different Lord Souls.

Are you paying attention? This isnt some cutesy star-bullshit. Fucking Lord Souls.

This big skeleton dude named Nito got the Death Soul, which makes him the most metal of the four lords. Youre too young to understand metal but give it six years and youll love things with skulls on it like me.

The Witch of Izalith got the Life Soul, which lets her control fire. She accidentally messed everything up and turned most of her kids into demons. Shes got one normal daughter, plus two daughters she accidentally mixed with spider demons. Theyre hot, but freaky. Like Birdo, to put it in terms you might understand.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

11:28

This Valentines small ad is clearly written by a man who needs to be dumped NOW "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Valentines Day is a day for lovers to show they care or if youre an arsehole, a chance to confuse it with April the 1st and do a crap joke as shared on Reddit.

  • This ad was moved to the Obituaries section on February 15th. writes awakeningaz
  • I know someone whos not getting it on valentines day, and potentially has to sleep on the couch / leave the appartement. writes Dan-SP

DUMP HIM JODIE

Source: Reddit

The post This Valentines small ad is clearly written by a man who needs to be dumped NOW appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

Donkey Sanctuary should have spotted the donkeys were people in costumes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A donkey sanctuary admitted today that most of last years record intake of rescue animals were, in fact, men in quite convincing pantomime donkey costumes, many of them Greek. It also announced an immediate overhaul of its admission procedures.

It can be quite tricky to spot a real donkey from a fake sometimes, said a spokesman, especially when 500 of them turn up at your gates holding signs in their mouths reading my master no feed me any more. Plees help. Our policy is to help first, ask questions later although with hindsight the fact that some of the animals could actually answer our questions was a bit of a giveaway.

The fakers, most of whom came from Athens, were thought to have been drawn to the Sanctuary by its multi-million pound endowment, its offer of free food and lodging for life for abused animals, its beautiful Devon location and its excellent on-site medical facilities. OK so we had to walk around a field on all fours being stared at by visitors, and the food was a bit oaty, said one of the asinine impersonators, but in stable number 6 we had a radio, tv, everything. In Piraeus my bank had just repossessed the stereo what did I have to lose?

One of the donkeys underwent a major heart operation during his stay, and the surgeons were shocked when the first incision in his skin revealed a subcutaneous layer described as patterned bri-nylon. They were even more surprised by the anatomical irregularities described as two hearts, and some extra limbs kicking around in there but decided to submit their findings to the prestigious journal Nature, rather than query the judgement of their superiors as to the species of creature laying on the slab before them. The fraud only came to light when a visitor provided photographic evidence of Hercules the blind donkey smoking a joint whilst talking on a mobile phone in the far corner of Field 8.

Despite the fraud a government spokesman confirmed there were no plans to introduce new regulatory oversight, but suggested the sanctuary reduce the benefits it gives its charges. Whenever you have a system of donkey welfare it fosters a culture of donkey welfare dependency weve seen that again and again he said. Make them work for their keep haul coal trucks, give rides on the beach that should deter future freeloaders, be they man or beast.

A spokesman for Battersea Dogs Home was more sympathetic: I can understand with an animal that size how you might get caught out, but its never happened to us. Well, except for that time when a particularly smooth p...

10:21

This student has witnessed a terrible crime of someone faking emails from a Professor to cancel an exam "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Aleli Miranda, a student at University of Manitoba has shared some remarkable goings on at her college.

A student is sending fake emails from the tutor Dr. Andrew Woolford saying that the exam is cancelled.

Never underestimate what a university student would do to get out of an exam lmao writes @Tigerleli over on Twitter.

Heres the fake email

Heres the replies from the real professor pointing out the truth

And heres some of the relies from the students involved:

Interesting to note that this is Professor of Criminology theres crime here to investigate?

Source: Twitter/@tigerleli

The post This student has witnessed a terrible crime of someone faking emails from a Professor to cancel an exam appeared first on The Poke....

10:00

Chinese discover Al Jolson 70 years too late! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Thankfully the world of awful white artists blacking their faces, singing and acting like black Americans / Africans is long gone. But obviously somebody forgot to tell the Chinese that the Black and White Minstrels, Al Jolson, and other ghastly T...

09:10

Whats your real ale name? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Were Weavers Fruity Spaniel Fancier. Hooray!

Source: Facebook

The post Whats your real ale name? appeared first on The Poke.

06:37

Report: Putting Ciggie Over Your Ear On Way Out Of Pub Could Save You Seconds "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact After a landmark $40 million research study, CSIRO has found keeping a cigarette behind your ear could save the average smoker about ten seconds a day. Study co-author, Dr Rohan Ganju PhD (55) says this result is outstanding for Australian smokers who need to save as much time as []

The post Report: Putting Ciggie Over Your Ear On Way Out Of Pub Could Save You Seconds appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:24

Bloke Settling In For 4th Bender Of 2018 Says He Deserves A Blow-Out After This Week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Whinging for a binging, local car sales extraordinaire Byron Devlin (29), says hes cruising for another blowout this weekend, despite the fact it would be his fifth bender of the year. Just need it mate, gotta get away from it all. Devlin is hoping this next blowout will help []

The post Bloke Settling In For 4th Bender Of 2018 Says He Deserves A Blow-Out After This Week appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:35

Spice Girls Reunion Reignites Childhood Rivalries Over Who Gets To Be Sporty Spice "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Pop Culture & Property | CONTACT The news of a Spice Girls reunion sent waves through the millions of now adult fans scattered across the globe. And while the greater public hotly anticipated getting the girl group back together, for any true fan, it just reignited a fierce competition and rivalry that was thought to []

The post Spice Girls Reunion Reignites Childhood Rivalries Over Who Gets To Be Sporty Spice appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:57

Barnaby Joyce Saga Inspires George Christensen To Get Back On The Horse "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Deputy Prime Minister walked into George Christensens parliamentary office this morning with one thing on his mind. It wasnt anything to do with Malcolm Turnbull, it wasnt anything to do with his ongoing personal issues. Barnaby Joyce spoke candidly to the Member For Dawson about giving love another chance. As they exchanged pleasantries, []

The post Barnaby Joyce Saga Inspires George Christensen To Get Back On The Horse appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:47

Seething Barnaby Wonders If The Point Piper Toff Could Even Land A Fucking Glove On Him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A visible divide down the middle of the Coalition was on display the afternoon, as the Deputy Prime Minister began fantasising about having a dip with the top hat. During a reluctant meeting between the Nationals Leader and Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, the Deputy was seen to be drifting off while daydreaming about []

The post Seething Barnaby Wonders If The Point Piper Toff Could Even Land A Fucking Glove On Him appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:30

Date Swoons As Young Professional Refreshes His Crypto Wallet Right Before Her Eyes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact No, really, she said. Im listening this time. Explain the blockchain to me one more time. James Cartwright smiled and slide back in the booth and began to explain one more time, in laymans terms, just how incredible the concept of blockchain really is. The casual, nonchalant manner in which the 25-year-old commercial []

The post Date Swoons As Young Professional Refreshes His Crypto Wallet Right Before Her Eyes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:50

White Australian Panics And Overcomplicates Handshake With Cool Black Friend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Innocent bystanders were left in a state of shock today after witnessing a goofy migaloo mangling a pretty standard handshake with a black mate. It is believed that Gareth Evans (27) was out treating himself to an early lunch of some super spicy chicken pad thai when he run into an acquaintance of []

The post White Australian Panics And Overcomplicates Handshake With Cool Black Friend appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:03

Study: Running With A Back-To-Front Visor Can Increase Speeds By Up To 20% "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact According to a recent study conducted by Australias peak scientific body, running with a visor turned back-to-front on your head can actually make you run faster. Researchers from the CSIRO have observed speed and pace increases by up to 20%. Thats compared to folk running with either a baseball cap, Akubra or forward-facing visor, []

The post Study: Running With A Back-To-Front Visor Can Increase Speeds By Up To 20% appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Daniel Day-Lewis tries real job, realises acting wasnt so bad "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Former actor Daniel Day-Lewis has spent a week working in a Call Centre and has come to the conclusion that acting wasnt so bad after all.

I took the decision to retire because I found acting so draining, he said.  Id get so emotionally involved with the character I was playing, Id stay in character throughout the period of the shoot, even when I was at home.  People thought I was a twat.

But this Call Centres a different matter entirely.  I dont get my own trailer, no one brings me coffee or fusses over how great I was in that last scene.  Worst of all, were employed by two different banks, three different energy suppliers and Sports Direct.  I dont even know who Im supposed to be until the name flashes up on the screen.  It gives me no time to prepare.

Fortunately, industry insiders suspect Day-Lewiss supposed retirement is all just deep method preparation for what will surely be his greatest role yet, the lead in Krzysztof Kielowskis forthcoming tale of a disgruntled Call Centre worker who comes to realise the emptiness and meaninglessness of life in a cold, unfeeling universe.  Its set in Wolverhampton.

00:09

Trump Calls For Tighter Background Checks On Nations High Schools "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT President Donald Trump has today called for tighter background checks on American high schools, in an attempt to prevent any more school shootings from happening while students are around. Nikolas Cruz, 19, has appeared in court charged with premeditated murder, which is a position the prosecutor is confident in after investigations point []

The post Trump Calls For Tighter Background Checks On Nations High Schools appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Thursday, 15 February

22:56

We Need to Ban the Public Education System That Makes These Shootings Possible "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

How many times does this need to happen in our country before we finally take action? What happened in Florida yesterday was a tragedy, but the real tragedy is how used to this weve become. All across our great nation, disturbed men are walking into schools and murdering our children with military styled weapons. Enough is enough. We need to stop sending our children to school.

We live in a world where unstable people have easy access to AR-15 semi-automatic weapons. Given that these are the constitutionally granted circumstances that we are honor bound to defend, having that many children in one building at the same time is reckless and irresponsible. The logistics simply do not pan out.

The laws requiring the government to provide public education are antiquated. If our founding fathers knew that military style weapons would one day be available to the public they never would have allowed school to exist in the first place.

Did you know that we are almost literally the only mammal that sends our young to school? Can you imagine what would happen if bears up and decided to congregate their young in one spot for 8 hours a day and leave them virtually unsupervised in a world where unstable wolves on a cocktail of psychiatric medications had access to AR-15 assault rifles? Thats right, bears would go extinct.

Related: Without a Gun He Would Have Just Used Something Else to Kill 50+ People 400 Yards Away From the 32nd Floor

 

What are children being taught at these schools anyway? Public schools have been commandeered by radical liberals who want to brainwash your children into thinking that our president is another Hitler and that their former president wasnt a muslim terrorist.

Not all children need an education anyway. These shootings are happening at public schools and public schools are for poors. You dont need to have read The Fountainhead or learned algebra to work in the service industry. My housekeeper doesnt even know how to read and I work very hard to keep it that way.

Forget safety, think of the money were wasting! Think of how many more bomber drones this country could afford if we stopped wasting money trying to educate every American citizen under the age of 18. Im sick and tired of the liberal notion that people should be entitled to something simply because they were born here. The fact is that spending money to educate someone who wont be able to afford healthcare is a bad investment.

If you cant afford to send your child to a reputable private schoo...

22:28

PM Assures Ministers They Can Still Screw The General Public "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Following his ban on Ministers having sexual relationships with staffers the Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has moved quickly to assure his Cabinet that they are still able to screw the general public.

I have full confidence in my Ministers to show discretion and good judgement when they chose to screw the public, said the Prime Minister. I mean I know for a fact that Treasurer Scotty Morrison is right now working on a taxation policy that will screw thousands of low income earners. Exciting times.

When asked whether he had discussed his new Ministerial code of conduct with the deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce, the PM replied: Oh youre serious, no I did not discuss this with Barnaby well he did ask me a few questions about the policy. He wanted to know if a hand job constituted a sexual relationship to which I told him Id take that on notice.

Now if youll excuse me Im off to meet with Minister Dutton he wants to talk about screwing refugees.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on...

18:35

Trump Lawyer Known for Philanthropic Work Saving Women from Porn "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington - Donald Trumps personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, is well know in charity circles as a crusader for helping to rescue misguided women from a degrading life in the pornography business. This often involves the payment of large sums of mon...

16:30

Hello From Your New Hard Style Social Media Manager, Please Like This Post If You Can See it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hello engaged readers! Im your new social media manager at Hard Style, Marcus E. Mark. Ill be bringing my social media skills to the Hard Times team to turn this sinking ship around.
.

I come from that same underground world of concerts that you all do I was the bass player of Hatebreed before they were a band. Im friends with those guys, the Pixies, everyone. I can also name other bands if called upon to do so, no problem. Plus I have experience in the social media field I was head moderator of Post Malones dogs instagram. Follow us at @Josie_the_shortybull.

Hard Times editors dont know the first thing about how algorithms work or what they want. But I do. I was the brains behind the explosive growth of Post Malones Dogs Instagram. Follow us at @Josie_the_shortybull. Im like Neo, watching the facebook in code and deploying my agents to deliver red pills of brand engagement.

Maybe you think that I cant handle an audience this big, but Ive worked with Wendys Twitter, KFCs Pintrest, and Arbys Drive-Thru. Ive engaged, and been engaged by, several brands, celebrities, and lawyers. I know my stuff. And if I do my job right, youll be so engaged you wont even notice Im here.

Related: (headline)

 

I got my job at Hard Times like most people get their jobs: I nailed the interview I got after a tweet I wrote about eating ass went viral. And now that I know how to tag people? Ill be unstoppable.

Remember when KFCs twitter followed only 6 guys named Herb and The Spice Girls? Well it was really successful so were going to do that to! More on that #later.

Lets see fuckJerry try to steal the memes I stole from TheFatJew now!

Im going to bring Hard Times social media presence into 2018. These guys dont even have a Vine yet. But thats fine, Lil Uzi Vert liked my picture on Twitter, and not everyone else has that experience.

But honestly if all this shit doesnt work Im just going to work at my dads car dealership.

Stay tuned for more content on Hard Styles Facebook page (verification pending).

Like and share,
Marcus E. Marc

Am I supposed to sell these?

16:00

Long-term couple say Valentines Day was nothing special "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A couple who used to do really cool romantic stuff on Valentines Day in the early stages of their relationship, have admitted they did fuck all last night.  This seems to back up relationship experts theories that the much hyped day of love is really just a bunch of arse.

All over the UK thousands of other people reported minimal, substandard or downright lazy efforts from their partners, who once used to dig deep for fancy dinners, over-priced roses and elaborate atmospheric bedroom-sex set-ups with flower petals and scented candles.  Thousands of other couples say they just got a bit pissed, had a bit of a half-hearted fumble and fell asleep in front of the telly.

There was also a reported 80% increase in singletons falsely claiming the day was over-rated and didnt really mean anything to them.  One man who has been single for 6 consecutive Valentines Days bravely attempted to claim that he felt no more sad, desperate or lonely last night then he did on other day: Love who needs it? Only Connects on telly tonight!

daneade

15:30

Bakersfield, Calif. Approved as Testing Ground for New GMO Kon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. The California Department of Food and Agriculture approved a program yesterday allowing n-metal scientists to test potential gene manipulation of indigenous Kon, dreadlocked government officials confirmed.

Through the marvels of gene modification, society can improve the quality of bands while increasing album yields. Kon crop quality has been deficient of several musical elements since the mid-00s, and its affecting the musical health of Americas youth, said lead researcher Dr. Reginald Griffin. We may now be able to achieve the kind of success that would otherwise take years of mediocre albums and touring.

As Kon is directly responsible for over 97 percent of the Bakersfield area GDP, local farmers have a huge stake in this experiment.

It doesnt stop at heavier bass and more thunderous drum riffs for our Fieldys, said farmer Trish Harris. Weve heard these scientists are also discussing longer dreads and crisper, fresher tracksuits. This potential for ner and better Kon is something I havent seen since See You on the Other Side.

Related:

However, the legislation has faced serious scrutiny from several anti-GMO activists. Despite little to no evidence of gene modification lowering musical value, many people describe the process as unnatural, and are worried about unforeseen long term impacts.

The problems facing American-grown Kon can easily be solved with time-tested organic methods like band member rotation, said local activist David OHara. There are always problems when you play God. We run the risk an entire album of just Jonathan Davis scatting or, even worse, a second Fieldys Dreams album.

The outcry from opponents of the new GMO-Kon program follows last weeks disturbance at an animal testing facility, where animal rights advocates protested inhumane experiments performed on Munkys.

Head to our online store and pick up a shirt from The Hard Times: 

13:00

NHS: Is your life really necessary "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a dramatic bid to solve problems of over demand in the health service the NHS has reworked the fuel saving war time slogan Is your journey really necessary?.  A spokesman for the NHS said: Posters will be going up shortly and as a further benefit we anticipate there should be a trickle down effect into the private sector with increased workload to undertakers.

This should not be as difficult as it sounds after all the idea that we are all going to snuff it eventually has a long and respectable pedigree on all sides of the political spectrum.  Keynes famously said We are all dead in the long run and Lenin said we are all dead men on leave.  So the idea of simply relieving pressure on the health service by not staying alive a day longer than is absolutely necessary should be fairly acceptable to a wide range of people.

Doctors are enthusiastic: Although we arent allowed to practice euthanasia indeed were strongly against the whole idea since it would increase our workload even more theres no reason why patients shouldnt show their selflessness and concern for the welfare of others by simply taking the pressure off of us.  And of those leading a pointless existence that should be ended, the Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, is at the front of the queue.

Terry Bunn

12:01

This woman was trolled after her Tory baiting tattoo went viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This woman, currently going by the name its just a tattoo people please relax has got a provocative new tattoo saying never shag a tory.

The phrase itself is a variation on the popular left-wing slogan never kissed a Tory.

However, since going viral with over 3,000 likes and retweets shes had numerous trolls telling her off.

We were going to embed some of them but frankly they are all dickheads, and its her body so who cares?

Good on her.

The post This woman was trolled after her Tory baiting tattoo went viral appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

Research shows Britains pubs full of technocrats "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

'If they try and call this a half-litre, there'll be blood..'There may be hope for the ailing UK economy, after researchers found that Britains pubs are chock full of technocrats.

After the resounding success of the new governments in Italy and Greece, the obvious next problem to solve was Britain, said German chancellor Angela Merkel. Our experience is that nobody there has a bloody clue how to run anything, not the trains, not the economy, nothing, not even in the House of Lords. But we asked around a bit and it turns out that British pubs are absolutely stuffed to the rafters with people who know exactly how to run the country, but have no interest in being elected. Just the technocrats were looking for.

Mrs Merkel said that the UK government would resign within days to make way for a new Cabinet of bleazed know-it-alls each claiming some half-baked idea to get the country out of its mess. The markets rose sharply on the news, indicating that most people think this would be a substantial improvement on the Coalition.

We already have a two-point plan for fixing the economy, a one-stage approach to mending the transport system, and a couple of vague ideas about transforming education and making petrol 90% cheaper, said a spokesman for the incoming government. The only thing we cant agree on is what to do about immigration we really want to send them all home, but were not sure who therell be to serve drinks and change the barrels if we do that. What we need is somebody with an even vaguer grasp of the issues than us I know, well ask Theresa May to decide.

10:59

People are saying this Hitachi Finance ad looks like someones just hung themselves as a result of crippling debt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This Hitachi Finance looks a little, shall we say, unfortunate as pointed out by @Ballantine70 who writes And so we are completely sure that it doesnt look like someones just hung themselves as a result of crippling debt?

Still, looking up the brand Hitachi on social media suggests they are used to brand problems.

Rather a lot of photos of ladies using massagers.

The post People are saying this Hitachi Finance ad looks like someones just hung themselves as a result of crippling debt appeared first on The Poke.

09:21

When Gran gets confused in the passport photo machine and accidentally joins Liverpool FC "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Isnt that Rooneys old flame writes @Milly09.

And this isnt the only Gran making this mistake with the clearly problematic passport photo UI

I have a photo of my then 89 year old Dad as a member of McFly writes @Allcockbarry.

My Mum did this and ended up in Disneys Princess & the Frog writes @Kateykae.

The post When Gran gets confused in the passport photo machine and accidentally joins Liverpool FC appeared first on The Poke.

09:10

Turnbull Places Yet Another Obstacle In The Way Of Young Liberals Ever Getting A Root "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The young men and women desperately attempting to please their parents by entering a life in liberal politics have been thrown a hospital pass by Turnbull today, as he announces new provisions that will likely result in them remaining virgins forever. Ministers will be banned from having sexual relationships with staffers under a []

The post Turnbull Places Yet Another Obstacle In The Way Of Young Liberals Ever Getting A Root appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:01

These people have made an Earth sandwich and itll make you pleased that international communication technology is being used well "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Have you ever wanted to text someone on the other side of the planet and ask them to put bread on the ground to make an Earth sandwich.

Read this, and possibly youll you consider it.

First you need to pick your mark

Explain what you want using pictures

Open the sandwich

Close the sandwich

Isnt it great that we have the technology to do this?

Source: Twitter/@Gooseps_

The post These people have made an Earth sandwich and itll make you pleased that international communication technology is being used well appeared first on The Poke.

07:20

American Gun Owner Worried Government Is Going To Take His Schools Away From Him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following the 28th mass shooting in 46 days since 2018 began, a local gun owner is worried that the government is planning to infringe on his God-given rights. School shootings are horrible and my thoughts and prayers go out to all the victims and their families. But banning things isnt going to stop []

The post American Gun Owner Worried Government Is Going To Take His Schools Away From Him appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:59

Inner-City Leftie Cant Write Anything Without Smudging It "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In his position as both the Southwest Queensland Young Monarchists League President and the local Young Nationals Treasurer, Sam Walton-Bruce does a lot of handwriting. And has a leftie, smudges often follow everything he writes. Its one of lifes small inconveniences, according to the 24-year-old. He took the time []

The post Inner-City Leftie Cant Write Anything Without Smudging It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:19

Obama Portraits Are Sending Messages to Alpha Centauri "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Two fringe groups and a deranged scientist are all claiming that the Obama's official White House portraits are being used to send messages to the next galaxy, possibly giving an all clear for an alien invasion. "Maybe that's not what is happening...

06:14

Kim Jong-Un Will Host Post-Olympics Banquet in North Korea "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Seoul, South Korea Kim Jong-Un, dictator of North Korea, has taken the opportunity to take advantage of the comradie of the Winter Olympics. His representatives announced that a huge banquet will be served to celebrate the kinship of the Two Koreas.

06:08

New Airbarnaby Booking Site Just Lists Free Homes Provided By Millionaires "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

air barnaby

Global booking website Airbnb has launched a new offshoot brand which lists all the exclusive properties that are provided free of charge by millionaires.

Named airbarnaby, the new site is aimed at people struggling to break into the housing market in capital cities.

Why bust you arse trying to save up for a $100,000 deposit for a studio apartment on the outskirts of Sydney, when you can live in a five-bedroom sprawling mansion for absolutely nothing? a spokesperson for the new brand said.

Under the rules of the new site, those looking to stay in one of the free properties must be good mates with the owner. Its just one of the screening criteria we use to make sure this isnt available to everyone, the spokesperson said.

She said while the properties were free of charge, many guests liked to leave a small gift as a thank you. A bottle of wine or a $5,000 government payment. Just something small.

05:48

Melbourne Media Too Caught Up On Hannah Mouncey To Meet Quota On African Gang Stories "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following the news that a transgender woman has been cleared to play in state and territory womens leagues in 2018, Melbournes reactionary print media is unable to allocate enough attention to the second biggest social issue in Victoria, African gangs. The news that Hannah Mouncey will be allowed to play football at an []

The post Melbourne Media Too Caught Up On Hannah Mouncey To Meet Quota On African Gang Stories appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:20

Man endangers himself and society after contacting inner child "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Bystanders say before turning the gun on himself, Tommy fired five shots into the air, screaming, Its gonna be a long night.

Roanoke, Va. Roanoke County Deputies say they beat a man back with sticks into a cage Wednesday, after he made first contact with the monster living inside him.

He said he spoke to his inner child, Sheriffs Deputy Mark Rogers told Chronicle. Thats when I was gave the order shoot to kill. But I said to myself, No, this mans white. Theres got to be a better way.

First responders said the man had a glazed, wild look in his eyes as he was preparing to kill himself near a group of girl scouts selling cookies at the Brambleton Avenue Kroger.

He seen who he really was, said Dr. Armasten Troubadour, of Health Insurance Memorial Hospital. And he just seen red.

Authorities say Tommy Jo, a 38-year-old security camera repairman, scribbled this suicide note moments before turning the gun on himself:

Youre gonna suffer.

Youre gonna bleed.

Im gonna scream.

Im gonna feed.

 

Dont call the doctor.

Dont call no priest.

Im the devil.

Im disease.

Friends describe Tommy as unhinged. Some friends, eh Tommy?

He is being held without bond at the Roanoke County Courthouse, where he is getting a good nights rest, and learning to love himself again.

04:41

Worksite Cheers As Bloke Arrives To Remove Court-Ordered Breathalyser From Bosss Ute "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A construction worksite in Betootas growing Flight Path District is in good spirits this afternoon, as a local sheriff arrived to remove a court-ordered breathalyser from their bosss SS holden ute after 14 months of probation. The physical removal of the alien car modification marks the end of a lengthy web of []

The post Worksite Cheers As Bloke Arrives To Remove Court-Ordered Breathalyser From Bosss Ute appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:41

Barnabys Cousins Assure Him Theres Always A Job Going At Fadez Goodna If He Needs It "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Investigative | CONTACT Under increasing pressure to step down from his role as Deputy Prime Minister and Leader of the National Party, Barnaby Joyce has today been reassured by his cousins that there will always be a job for him at the familys Fadez franchise in Goodna, south-west of Brisbane. Joyces extended family, who moved across the []

The post Barnabys Cousins Assure Him Theres Always A Job Going At Fadez Goodna If He Needs It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:08

Heres All 290 Star Wars Movies Officially in Production Right Now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If you are having trouble following all of the Star Wars movies coming out, no one can blame you theres so damn many! Heres a helpful list of all the Star Wars films currently in production by Disney Studios.

 

  1. Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)
  2. Episode 9 (2019)
  3. Obi Wan Prequel (2020)
  4. Beru: The Story of Young Aunt Beru (2021)
  5. Jar Jars Dad: The Untold Story of Mor Mor Binks (2022)
  6. Nute Gunray: A Star Wars Story (2023)
  7. Gonk: The Musical (2024)
  8. Sy Snootles: A Snar Wars Sntory (2025)
  9. The Death Stick Diaries (2026)
  10. Untitled Wes Anderson Star Wars Starring Owen Wilson (2027)
  11. Spaceballs 2: The Quest for More Money (2028)
  12. Windu: A Motherfuckin Star Wars Story (2029)
  13. Actually Mr. McCools my Father: Call Me Droopy McCool (2030)
  14. Ewoks: The Battle for Endor 2 (2031)
  15. Moisture Farmers Almanac (2032)
  16. Untitled Johnny Mnemonic Crossover (2033)
  17. What to Expect When Youre Expecting a Seat on the Council and Rank of Master (2034)...

02:01

Meet The Sexual Deviant Who Loves Having His Headphones Yanked Out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In these halcyon days of corded headphones, one local meatpacker says he relishes in being degraded and sexually stimulated by his pair. Stellan Lambeau routinely lets his headphone cord hang loose down his torso. Waiting and praying for it to get caught on something and rip one or both of his headphones out. It []

The post Meet The Sexual Deviant Who Loves Having His Headphones Yanked Out appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:48

American Thoughts And Prayers Retailers Experience Record-Breaking Boost In Sales "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Several Thoughts And Prayers manufacturers in the United States are hailing an economically unprecedented quarter, after seeing demand for their innovative new products skyrocket over the last few months. Thoughts And Prayers, well-known for their ability to solve national tragedies and replace real political action, are seeing a surge in popularity in recent months, after a []

The post American Thoughts And Prayers Retailers Experience Record-Breaking Boost In Sales appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:48

At This Terrible Time It Is My Job To Make You Feel Safe President Tells NRA "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump guns

In a speech following the recent school shooting, US President Donald Trump has told gun advocacy groups that they have no reason to feel afraid or anxious, and that he was doing everything he could to make them feel safe.

When you go to work today, know that we are thinking of you Mr Trump said.

He said it was important to think about the victims. Our thoughts and prayers are with those in the gun industry. Shootings like this affect us all. I will protect you.

The President said that it was at moments like these that you realised who was most important to you. Moms, dads when you go home tonight, tell your gun control advocate you love him

01:10

CARPE DIEM: Local Couple Trades Drugs And Alcohol For Rollerblading And Good Times "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact This time last year, most Sunday for Pierce Lewis and Emma Poncho were a struggle. One of them would roll out of bed, feel the blood rush out of their brain as they made their way down to an Old City District cafe for caffeine and banana bread. If []

The post CARPE DIEM: Local Couple Trades Drugs And Alcohol For Rollerblading And Good Times appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:01

Australian Pacific Islander Community Responsible For 90% Of All Crying Laugh Emojis "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by Nielsen surveys regarding the social media behaviour of Australians has found that 90% of all crying laugh emojis posted from IP addresses located within this country have come Polynesian-Australian account holders. What we have found, purely through analytics is that Samoan, Tongan, Cook Islander and Fijian Australians tend to []

The post Australian Pacific Islander Community Responsible For 90% Of All Crying Laugh Emojis appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Dad and granddad still at loggerheads over university choice "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Eighteen months after the major family discussion over the best choice of university for Larry Jones, the Jones family are still arguing over the decision.

I wanted to study European affairs at the University of Internationaltown, and dad agreed with me. Mum voted, but didnt know much about universities, but thought granddads old uni in Grumpytown looked nice.  Grandad says modern degrees are a waste of time, and nobody he knows who took a degree in 1950s ideas and technology ever struggled for work.  said a despondent Larry,  except the three million who did struggle in the early seventies before Internationaltown Uni found its legs.

To avoid a dead heat situation the Jones family asked the extended group of uncles, aunts, cousins and partners everyone who was tentatively a family member and over 18 to vote.  Because Grumpytown uni won by a narrow margin, granddad is insisting that I stick with the decision, complained Larry, who is also a little upset that granddad offered to buy everyone who voted his way a pint.  He didnt even follow through on that, tight arsed bugger that he is, added Larry.

Larrys dad thinks Larry should have the chance to change his mind before he starts his course next September.  Maybe we can have another family vote?  he mused, noting that since the vote several of the voters have actually visited Grumpytown, and decided that it isnt as good as they remembered.  Stupid idea, growled granddad from his house in Hereford.  Voting is a stupid way of choosing a university, he said, adding, once youve chosen the one I want, that is.

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Wednesday, 14 February

23:30

Man Shaves 1.7 Seconds Off 2-Hour Flight By Standing Up As Soon As Plane Lands "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

standing up in plane

A Sydney businessman has arrived at his destination almost two full seconds before his fellow passengers, after bolting up into the aisle the moment the fasten seatbelt sign went off.

John Doverton, 48, stood smugly in the aisle for six minutes, gaining a clear advantage over his dumb fellow passengers who, incredibly, remained seated for the entire time.

Twisting his neck slightly to avoid his head hitting the luggage compartment, and with one leg pressed up against an arm rest, Mr Doverton said he couldnt believe so many people didnt realise the time that could be saved by standing up in the aisle early. As soon as that front door opens and the thirty people in front retrieve their luggage and then slowly shuffle out of the plane, Im out of here! he said.

16:45

Prices Go Up 2% in Federal Reserve Boards Ivory Tower Location "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington - Prices for various goods and services that can be purchased in the Washington D.C. area Ivory Tower in which the Federal Reserve Board meets around eight times a year have increased year over year at a 2% annual clip, according to inflat...

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Thursday, 07 December

18:46

Franken Decides Not to Resign, Will Instead Switch Parties and Become a Republican "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington - Senator Al Franken, under extreme pressure from members of the Democratic Party to resign his post because of admitted sexual misconduct, has announced this morning that he will remain in office, and also that he has changed his party af...

15:44

Trump Beheads Bears Ears, plans partial decapitation of Mount Rushmore "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Somewhere in Utah. After chopping off the head of Bears Ears National Monument, Utah, Trump is now honing his Trump axe, according to several unnamed high-ranking sources, to hack away at just about all of this country's national parks. "It...

07:59

Alabama Voters"Not Quite as Creeped Out" by Roy Moore After Watching Steve Bannon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mobile, AL - After viewing news reports featuring a speech by former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon at a campaign rally in support of U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore, many Alabamians interviewed afterward said they were not quite as distur...

Wednesday, 06 December

16:33

Leaked transcript from secret meeting between Donald Trump & Roy Moore "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump: "You're going to do amazing things for the great state of Alabama, Roy. Now get out there and grab em by the pussy!" Roy Moore: "Oh I get it now! You meant it as an expression! Like 'go get em' or 'break a leg.' This damn Fake News i...

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