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Saturday, 20 October

00:55

Theresa May wants to go Home Office "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After a tense meeting where no Brexit breakthrough was made, where plans to extend the UKs transition period are at odds with MPs at home, Prime Minister Theresa May has expressed a deep-seated wish to go home, according to an a member of the Brexit negotiating team who found her sitting on a fire escape in the EU summit building in Brussels and swigging from a hip flask.

Theresa looked tired and I asked her if she was OK, said the official, who wishes to remain anonymous. She sighed, lit a cigar and said: What is a Brexit, Dominic? It isnt even a real word. I know Brexit means Brexit. But I dont know what the first Brexit means never mind the second. And whats a backstop? A field position in hockey or something a plumber uses, for all I know.

Mrs May went on to confess that she simply does not have the answer to Brexit. She told me Olly Robbins says he knows the answer but hes in talks with Netflix about turning the whole Article 50 thing into a twelve-part docudrama, with Eddie Redmayne playing me. By now, I was staring at my shoes and wishing I had taken up that dinner invite from the Luxembourg trade commission.

The PM continued: I had a dream last night that I was happily running through a field of wheat with my dog Toto when I noticed words forming on the groundhog and they all said Brexit. Then the ground started to fracture between my feet, and the more ground I tried to gain to avoid the fracture the more my heels were digging in. Then the sound of a noisy combine harvester began to chase me driven by Corbyn of the East, and the sheaves of wheat turned into everyone in the UK, with Boris and Jacob laughing, then Toto turned into Totony Blair and he was leaping about, barking, What about me? What about me?.

The anonymous negotiator added: At this point the PM told me to give Brexit to the boffins at Bletchley Park, or take it to a charity shop. She then closed her eyes, clicked her heels together and said, Theres no place like Home Office, three times. Im not sure if her wish was granted, though as a group of party officials came and asked her to step aside because shed been blocking the exit.

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Friday, 19 October

23:39

Report: Meghan Apparently Pronounced Meh-Gn "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Australian public have been fortunate enough to have every breath, blink and step of the Duke and Duchess of Sussexs visit covered by a very dedicated and desperate Aussie media industry. However, the Advocate has managed to find an angle of the royal story that has yet to be touched. Meghan Markles []

The post Report: Meghan Apparently Pronounced Meh-Gn appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

20:36

Washington Post Publishes Jamal Khashoggi Acronym Game "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Yesterday the Washington Post newspaper published what it believed was the last article to have been written by its Saudi Arabian contributor, Jamal Khashoggi, who hasn't been seen since 2 October. It also honored him with the introduction, on its Pu...

18:45

Friend in Too Deep With Ironic Flat Earth Facebook Group "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

HOUSTON Local man Carlos Berry is suspected of going from ironic enjoyment of the Flat Earth or Death Facebook group to a very genuine belief that the Earth is flat, according to concerned sources.

He started out only doing this stuff on the weekends I figured this would be a little phase, like the time he got way too into Juggalo or Incel Facebook groups, admitted close friend and roommate Michael Thadwick. But then he started calling me a Glober, and asking for help with homemade rocket experiments. He says its dumb and hes just doing it as a joke, but he seems to spend a lot of free time on it.

Thadwick noted that the way his friend presents himself at work or out with friends is very different from his activities at home.

He goofs on the flat Earth people all the time when hes bartending which is odd, because at home, first thing he does when he wakes up is check that Facebook group, Thadwick said. I think hes actually an admin now. Im worried he cant stop. He might have a serious problem.

For his part, Berry claimed he has always had a passion for out-of-the-ordinary subcultures.

I once spent an entire day on Twitter trying to get Alex Jones to confirm my pet frog was gay. Other people cheered me on! It was hilarious, Berry said. I could quit this flat Earth thing any time I just dont want to.

Plus, we have a local meet up next week and I volunteered to bring the pasta salad. My hands are literally tied, he added.

Ironically, the concept of a flat Earth seems to go against Berrys own familys beliefs.

Im not sure what C is doing with these Facebook posts lately his father has worked at NASA for going on 30 years, said his mother, Nina Berry. I just hope hes not hanging around that weird dark web crowd again.

At press time, Berry was pricing flights to Denver International Airport as a gag.

The post Friend in Too Deep With Ironic Flat Earth Facebook Group appeared first on The Hard Times.

17:31

Saudi Crown Prince "Is A Naughty Boy" King Salman Announces "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A spokesman for King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud of Saudi Arabia revealed today that Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman is currently confined to his bedroom and has had his pocket money stopped while the disappearance of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashog...

17:02

Trump On Jamal Khashoggi: "No Body, No Murder" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

US President, Donald Trump, has spoken to reporters at the White House about the strange and mysterious disappearance of Jamal Khashoggi, who has not been seen since he entered the Saudi Arabian consulate in Istanbul on 2 October. Trump said: "I'm...

16:00

Khashoggi killed himself and was taken away by aliens: official "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Saudi Arabia has investigated the mysterious disappearance of Jamal Khashoggi and found that he has died from completely natural causes, according to official spokesman Mohammed Bin Lynr. These were. principally, blood loss, breathing failure and the fact that his heart had ceased to beat. He then proceeded to dismember himself, for reasons unkown despite energetic intervention by members of the staff who endeavoured to persuade him to get a grip and to pull himself together.

Before they could assist further, the staff were interrupted by the landing of a flying saucer, Bin Lynr continued. A troop of alien beings emerged from the craft, seized the dismembered remains and promptly beamed themselves up again. They had tried to give us some story about wanting his body parts in order to study the anatomy of human beings as if we are gullible enough to believe some obviously nonsensical made-up rubbish like that.

16:00

DC Announces Movie Adaptation of Superman 64 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BURBANK, Calif. Warner Brothers has announced that the next edition in the DC Extended Universe will be an adaptation of the Nintendo 64 video game Superman 64. The film will be helmed by usual DC director Zack Snyder and will star Henry Cavill as Superman.

We have gotten a lot of things wrong in the past, but this time we are 100% sure our movie is going to be a hit, said President of DC Films, Walter Hamada, at a press conference. Aside from maybe Superman v Batman: Dawn of Justice, Im not sure theres any Superman appearance that nailed the character better than the N64 game. Thats what Supermans all about flying around or whatever it is he does.

Hamada went on to explain that the film, which will keep the title Superman 64, will be an exact adaptation of the original video game, except that it will be darker and grittier as well as light-hearted with a lot of fun jokes, unless theres a new Marvel film with a stealable gimmick or the test audience doesnt like large portions of the film, which will change drastically.

We are especially excited to announce that we have secured legendary character actor Paul Giamatti to play the iconic Superman 64 rings that Henry [Cavill] will fly through in the film, Hamada continued. We are going to set him up in a motion-capture suit and he has been working with working with physical trainers to prepare for taking on the ring-shape of the characters.

Fans of the franchise have responded negatively online.

Please dont make me do this, exclaimed Twitter user @HenryCavill. I have a family. I cant put them through another Superman movie, not like this.

At press time, the official DC Facebook page posted a promo photo of Cavill surrounded by fog with the caption Fuck it, we already greenlit two Superman 64 sequels and one spin-off movie. #StopTheRings

The post DC Announces Movie Adaptation of Superm...

15:45

Beto ORourke Supporter Holding 6-Pack of PBR Doesnt Have Any Money for Donation "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

FORT WORTH, Texas Fervent Beto ORourke supporter Ritchie Garza attended a fundraiser event for the U.S. Senatorial candidate late last week, at which he arrived with one six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, but no donation money, sources confirmed.

As Texans, we welcome people from all walks of life, said event organizer Mandy Allen, handing out $5 Lone Star tall cans. Even townies who only go to shows if theyre on a guest list. But recent polls show Cruz is pulling further ahead of ORourke, so we need more critical support than ever.

The event, which featured local punk bands, grassroots organizers and speakers, as well as a cash bar with all proceeds going to ORourkes campaign, was a huge draw for Garza, who really likes Beto despite being strapped for cash at the moment, you know how it is.

Its chill. Im sharing that video of Beto skating in the Whataburger lot on Facebook right now, Garza said. Gotta raise awareness. Every little bit really does count.

The event was well-attended by nearly 40 tirelessly-working activists in addition to Garza, who allegedly asked various attendees if Cedric Bixler-Zavala would be making an appearance.

He said he couldnt donate money yet because hed spent it on beer, which is the only thing that makes his back pain better, said fundraiser attendee Shana Pagels. When I told him about ORourkes stance on healthcare, and that phone-banking from home was something with which volunteers with disabilities were having a lot of success, he said something about his phone being broken even though I definitely saw him Instagramming all night so Im not expecting much.

Asked if he felt empowered to support or spread the word about ORourkes campaign, Garza was quick and enthusiastic in his response.

Totally, he said, setting down an empty PBR can next to the recycling bin. This Beto sticker right here? Its more than a sticker it sends a message. Im gonna put it on the most visible part of the bottom of my skateboard.

At press time, Garza was overheard confirming that the Beto for Senate stickers were, indeed, free.

The post Beto ORourke Supporter Holding 6-Pack of PBR Doesnt Have Any Money for Donation appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:35

It Was Before All That Stuff In Cronulla Says Man With Southern Cross Tattoo "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Owner of a Southern Cross tattoo Nick Ward (34) wants to make it very clear to anyone who has viewed the constellation inked onto his perfectly roided arm that he got it done before all that stuff in Cronulla. Ward stated his decision to get the tattoo came from being an impressionable country []

The post It Was Before All That Stuff In Cronulla Says Man With Southern Cross Tattoo appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:59

President Trump To Join Greg Gianforte's Gym "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MISSOULA, MON. Out on the campaign trail once more, US President, Donald Trump, said he had "nothing but praise" for Republican candidate, Greg Gianforte, who, last year, assaulted a journalist. Gianforte was bothered enough by the Guardian report...

13:35

James OBriens description of newly released Anjem Choudary is the takedown he truly deserves "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Islamist hate preacher, Anjem Choudary, who was jailed in 2016 for encouraging people to support terror group Islamic State, has been released from Belmarsh Prison after two years. LBC presenter, James OBrien discussed the clerics rise with his listeners, at one point making this point.

Two cheeks of the same backside seems quite accurate, and it makes it all the more suspicious that the far-right protesters who taped up their mouths in support of Tommy Robinson didnt make the same argument about Choudary. What could possibly be the reason?

via GIPHY

Amidst all the facts and outrage, some people treated his release with the contempt it deserves.

There was also this little trip for him to look forward to.

13:06

A widow left this note on a locked gate and people have been incredibly moved by the story and the gesture that followed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone from a school in Birmingham found this note attached to a locked entrance to a lake and it went viral because, well, just have a read for yourself.

And there was something about her story and the gesture that followed that just touched the hearts of thousands of people.

Heres what just a few of the people who shared it had to say.

13:00

Kleenex admits Mansize tissues never were as big as a man "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A spokesperson for Kimberley-Clark, the manufacturers of Kleenex Mansize tissues, has denied that the company was giving in to a consistent increase of complaints on gender concerns about the name of its tissue brand. The company insists scrapping the Mansize branding from its tissue boxes had nothing to do with sexism but it was mainly because the tissues are nothing like the size of a man, not even a very small one, unless he is about 15 metres away, but then the shape would still be all wrong.

The companys marketing department toyed with various new names, including Big sneeze-sized, Massive bogey-sized and Catch-a-load, the discreet bedside tissues, before settling simply for Extra Large. After all, Its only a bit of absorbent paper that youre going to chuck away as soon as youve used it, said the spokesperson. Although, as part of the rebrand, we are considering printing a series of pictures on the box illustrating suggested uses.

Mother

12:36

We thought wed seen the funniest run out. We hadnt. Its this one "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Wed like to correct something we said yesterday when we confidently announced this was the best run out of all time.

Turns out we were wrong. This is.

Yep, thats the winner.

This ones highly commended.

Source

The post...

12:19

Elastic In Man's Underpants Went Slack "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was almost an embarrassing situation for one man at a school in Battambang this morning, when, standing teaching students in a science class, he felt the elastic in his underpants slacken, and then the unmistakable feeling of sagging, as they s...

12:18

25 brilliantly funny jokes from this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In the week that featured the Mondayest Thursday since records began, we saw a royal wedding, a royal baby announcement and Michael Caine pretending he can remember what its like to be poor. Thankfully, we can put all this to one side, at least for a few minutes, and enjoy the fruits of other peoples labours specifically these 25 funny people.

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4.

5.

...

12:18

If you dont smile at the noise the otter makes chomping down, youre not human. Or otter "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

David Baddiel shared this clip of otters being fed and you really do need to watch with the sound up. This is what he had to say.

If you dont smile at the noise the otter makes when chomping down, youre not human. Or otter.

And here it is

Hes not wrong you know.

We might have to take this chaps word for it though.

...

12:06

Roy Hodgsons sweary post-match interview will make you see him in a whole new light "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its fair to say this Roy Hodgson interview isnt the typical managers chat you get after a match, as shared by comedian John Bishop.

Its brilliant not just because of what he has to say but the seamless gear change right at the end as if not a cross word has been exchanged.

RH: Which one, how many where there? They only had two shots at goal, one was a penalty and one was a strike at goal that our goalkeeper saved. So what decision are we talking about? Lets not take the piss here.

Interviewer: I certainly wasnt.

RH: But I think you are. But there you are. Well start again shall we? Or we can use that if you want?

I: I dont think therell want that. It was a genuine question.

RH: I wont mention it then. There wasnt a fucking penalty in the game, there wasnt one of those ridiculous situations in the game that didnt happen so lets just talk about our performance.

I: Roy, a satisfying day at the office?

RH: Yeah I thought we played very well

11:31

Its amazing the laugh you can get from a view of Trump Tower and a piece of paper "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Since Stormy Daniels book was published, weve all heard the rumours about President Trump not being particularly well endowed not that it matters compared to all the other things we could use against him. Its still good to see such an arrogant individual being mocked, though, if were honest, which is why we have really been enjoying this neat trick someone did with just a piece of paper.

Looks like Trumps Tower isnt as big as he makes out. We arent the only ones getting a free laugh from Dax creativity.

11:15

Binnie the Kid busts out of embassy in Riyadh "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Crown Prince is now reported on the loose somewhere in the back streets of Riyadh, and beyond. This evening, Mohammed bin Salman (MbS aka Binnie the Kid) was whisked away from the Turkish Embassy by a fleet of limousines with dark windows an...

11:00

Publisher launches magazine for Terms and Conditions industry "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fans of misleading offers, dishonest advertising and devious contracts filled the Albert Hall yesterday, as Zeitgeist Publishing launched its latest modern lifestyle magazine T&C.

The launch, which some were disappointed to discover was in Catfords Albert Hall, was attended by thousands of wannabe scamsters, many attracted by the offers of free cars, holidays and sex that were mentioned in their original invitations.

We have a saying in the business. Four words should follow a lie Terms and conditions apply, said publisher Jason Harper, as T&C marketing takes off, this sector is well overdue a trade publication that caters for the stakeholders in misleading marketing.

Issue One has a picture of the chairman of Galliard Homes, an investigation into the seedy world of the Advertising Standards Agency and a celebrity interview with Dave Breathless, star of radio adverts. Breathless tells how he nearly fainted after reading out a two minute conditions apply segment for a Virgin Media advert, without a single pause. When I came to, I was wearing an oxygen mask, and the marketing manager of Virgin Media was trying to make me sign a waiver, he said.

T&C Magazine (incorporating Conditions Apply) has a circulation of a million ABC1s with disposable income of over 100,000, cash in the bank of on average Half a million pounds and proven levels of gullibility, said Harper. At least, thats what were telling the advertisers.

I guarantee any advertiser will quadruple their business turnover, or I promise I will personally give you ten times your money back, said Harper, before adding furtively legibus et condicionibus esto applicare.

10:47

Primal Screams Bobby Gillespie appeared on This Week and deeply regretted it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Primal Screams vocalist, Bobby Gillespie, appeared on BBCs political show This Week to discuss the UKs progress or lack thereof but he was soon surrounded by the This Week panellists having a bit of a boogie. Its typical of the cringeworthy approach the show takes to getting its message across but it was obvious that the Scottish singer was completely bemused and regretful.

Comedian, Dave Gorman, shared Bobbys moment of realisation.

...

10:07

This hilarious sketch shows why there should be a(nother) Welsh Batman "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If theres one thing Hollywood loves, its a Batman reboot weve had dark Batman, followed by a succession of less-dark Batmans Batmen? and back to dark Batman again, with Christian Bales incarnation being particularly successful. Although hes Welsh, it seems he isnt Welsh enough for these hopefuls in a new sketch from BBC Sesh, the Welsh talent showcase.

Featuring Welsh comedians Simon Emanuel and Ignacio Lopez, this makes us wish someone would run with it and do a feature-length version, featuring Bruce Wynne as Batman, with his faithful sidekick, Rob Wynne.

The edited highlights of the script include:

Isnt it time we had a Welsh Batman?
Christian Bales Welsh.
Pembrokeshire doesnt count.

Think about it. Gotham is a grim, Gothic metropolis, constantly dark and dreary Newport!
Bruce Wynne goes undercover to capture a ring of bicycle thieves.

So, whats your superpower, then?
Im fucking minted!

So, who we fightin today then, Batman?
A scientist is spiking all the ice-cream in Barry Island with too much sugar. Its making the kids diabetic.
Oh no! Not Captain Cold!
No, its Dr. Freeze, you plum! Didnt you read the comics I gave you?

Anybody got Christopher Nolans phone number?

Source: BBC Sesh

The post This hilarious sketch shows why there should be a(nother) Welsh Batman appeared first on The Poke.

09:39

A BBC reporter asked this chief exec to justify his 75m bonus and its brilliant TV (and utterly outrageous) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Expect this to be the most talked-about clip of the day. Its Jeff Fairburn, chief executive of house builder Persimmon, being asked about his 75m thats right 75m bonus on BBC regional TV.

This is what happened next.

Utterly outrageous and speaks volumes about him, his company, and the way big business operates.

This is what Fairburn told BBC reporter Spencer Stokes after he asked him about the 75m bonus.

I, er Id rather not talk about that, its been well covered. I think thats really unfortunate actually that youve done that.

Except it turned out the person it was most unfortunate for is Fairburn after the clip went wildly viral today. Here are just a few of the things people are saying about it.

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09:09

Caitlin Moran asked about the downsides of being a man and men opened up 19 revealing responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We frequently see the effects of the bad attitude of certain parts of society towards women, which is why the #metoo movement exists we also hear reports on the gender pay gap and the bias against women who take a career break, as opposed to men who do the same. For these and so many other reasons, the downsides of being female have been well documented, so writer Caitlin Moran asked a different question.

The replies may surprise even some men. We think these 19 are very much worth reading and they represent some key recurring themes.

Having to maintain a tough image cropped up a lot.

09:06

Chris ODowd drunk on live TV is a very entertaining watch "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Chris ODowd on Channel 4s Last Leg. It was his birthday a few days earlier and it appears he was still celebrating.

Someone had a concern.

And the man himself got in touch.

There was also this.

Source

The post Chris ODowd drunk on live TV is a very entertaining watch appeared first on...

08:27

A cautionary (and very scary) tale for anyone tempted to use a ouija board "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its that time of the year again when Christmas stuff starts appearing in shops and youre like, how early?.

Oh, and its also Halloween in a couple of weeks and some people might be tempted to mess around with ouija boards.

You wont be after reading this, a tale which went wildly viral because, well, here goes

07:45

Nish Kumar brilliantly nailed Brexit on Question Time (and found an upside to climate change) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This clip of comedian Nish Kumar on Question Time went viral because he was funny and spoke the truth (two things not always associated with the BBC1 show).

And this is what people said about it.

https://twitter.com/james_clouting/status/1053046543761190912

05:34

The Next Car Seat Headrest? This Depressed English Major Is Mumbling to Himself "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For the past several years, the Will Toledo-led indie music project Car Seat Headrest has been stunning fans with their amazing albums, catchy hooks, and introspective lyrics. Now, it seems they may have inspired a successor!

Noah Pattinson, a depressed english major who studies rhetoric and writing at Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana has been mumbling to himself a lot recently and may just be the next Car Seat Headrest.

In recent weeks Pattinson has been spotted in Ball States Bracken Library quietly mumbling to himself for often hours at a time, and Car Seat Headrest fans cant help but take notice.

Yeah, I see him studying here all the time, and I think hes got something special, says nursing student Rachel Bingsley. The way he quietly mumbles to himself like he instantly regrets every word coming out of his mouth is so in line with what Will Toledo does on all of his songs. I havent been able to make everything he says out, but Ill hear him say words like failure, teen, and circumstance pretty often. If that doesnt sound like Will Toledo, then I dont know what does.

Even though Noah reportedly prefers to keep to himself at a specific desk in the corner to attract as little attention as possible, his potential hasnt gone unnoticed. Brett Genty, a music student, once stood behind him while gently strumming an acoustic guitar, scoring Noahs anxious, deeply personal mumblings. I recorded it and put it online. I tried passing it off as a lost Car Seat Headrest demo, and shockingly enough, everyone believed me. I saw all sorts of comments and articles about Will Toledos raw genius, and Pitchfork even gave it Best New Track. No ones even corrected it yet, not even the band themselves. I think this kid and his self-loathing-induced grumbles really have a future.

When asked about his future and newfound skill, Noah was pretty cryptic. He slightly raised his voice above an abject mumble but not to a level thats close to something youd call talking, announcing that failure is the curse of the conscious, and I am wide awake. No matter what he meant by that, were sure that Noah represents a bright future for the mumbliest of depressing indie rock music.

The post The Next Car Seat Headrest? This Depressed English Major Is Mumbling to Himself appeared first on The Hard Times.

05:29

Fake Email Claims Dave Sharma Is Member Of Liberal Party "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

dave sharma

The dirty tricks employed in the Wentworth by-election campaign have sunk even lower after voters were sent a fake email that linked candidate Dave Sharma to the Liberal Party.

This is a crude effort to discredit me, definitely the work of Russian hackers, claimed Sharma after several thousand voters received the message in their inbox. Someone has photoshopped me into a picture next to Scott Morrison and well be taking legal action against the perpetrator if we can locate them.

Theyve even gone as far as hiring a John Howard lookalike to stalk me. Its been very frightening.

Im prepared to fight hard but Id never stoop so low as to accuse someone of being a Liberal, said independent frontrunner Dr Kerryn Phelps. Still all Dave needs to do is show us his application form just to clear up any doubts.

Mr Sharma claims that a printing error on the voting ballot may give voters the wrong impression that he is a potential member of the Coalition. 

...

04:58

Report: Asian Friends Have Other Facebook Group That You Wouldnt Get "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Local woman Samantha (28) has been left feeling like an outsider in her own peer group as her previously unacquainted friends Diane (29) and Edwina (32) instantly clicked due to being part of a popular Facebook group that she probably wouldnt get. Not wanting to assume they would automatically bond over their shared race, Gordon []

The post Report: Asian Friends Have Other Facebook Group That You Wouldnt Get appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:59

Local Mum 19 Days Into Ocsober Still Feeling Like She Is Running The Gauntlet At Breath Test "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local mother irrationally went through a raft of scenarios in her head moments ago. The young mum of 2 has stayed true to her pledge not to drink during the month of October so far, notching up day number 19 today. However, despite not having had an alcoholic beverage in nearly three weeks, []

The post Local Mum 19 Days Into Ocsober Still Feeling Like She Is Running The Gauntlet At Breath Test appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:32

Man Not Willing To Engage In Fistfight With Complete Stranger In Public Labeled A Dropnuts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local man is facing stinging criticism today after his attempts at trying to resolve conflict at a local train station yesterday. The 33-year-old man named Chris Koslch, unlike many other men, doesnt adhere to the oft-touted theorem of toxic masculinity. So he didnt attempt to resolve the conflict by threatening to knock []

The post Man Not Willing To Engage In Fistfight With Complete Stranger In Public Labeled A Dropnuts appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:14

Trump: Shoot Honduran Kids Who Assault Our Border "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As a horde of Honduran children moves north into Mexico and toward freedom and security in the United States, President Donald Trump issued an ultimatum to his country's southern neighbors. If the migrating children aren't stopped by their own govern...

01:42

Jamal Khashoggi Lucan Spotted Playing In Goal At Barking Rovers Match "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

London, UK - There are reports this weekend that the self-styled Houdini-artiste may have faked his disappearance at a Turkish bath somewhere in The Phosphorous - eh, Bosphorus - a bit like Lord Lucan in 1974. The news comes amid sightings of...

01:11

Everything Is Fine Says Political Party About To Lose One Of Its Safest Seats Tomorrow "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Coalition is set to lose one of its safest seats tomorrow at the Wentworth byelection. Located in Sydneys far east, home to the type of people whod be the first to hang from streetlights when the inevitable revolution happens, Wentworth has only ever hosted Liberal Party victories. However, []

The post Everything Is Fine Says Political Party About To Lose One Of Its Safest Seats Tomorrow appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Owen Jones announced as new James Bond "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Guardian columnist Owen Jones is set to be unveiled as the new James Bond in a surprise move from the franchise. It was something of a surprise for us too, admitted Barbara Broccoli of EON Productions. We had been in detailed negotiations with James Madden. However we received a Twitter PM from Jones saying that he had already self-identified for the role, so that was that really.

A lengthy discussion is underway between EON and Joness agents to thrash out the nature of this latest incarnation of the beloved spy. According to insiders, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott is odds-on favourite to take on the role of M from Judi Dench. She showed just the right amount of affected superiority, commented one anonymous source. Though Im not sure she was actually acting. Anyway, it was that or have her coming out of the sea in a bikini.

Were really hoping that Jones will usher in a more millennial, woke, incarnation of a much beloved former playboy-spy, remarked Ian Mountford of Universal Pictures. Jones may not be the obvious archetype for an action hero, but he has hidden talents. His reflexes are razor sharp we were amazed by his 180 degree about-turn over Jeremy Corbyns electability on election night. We had to slow the film down several times to see it clearly enough.

Rumours had started to circulate after Jones had published a series of tweets hinting at his new role: The names Jones, Owen Jones, licence to pontificate and No Mr Blair, I expect you to stand trial in the International Criminal Court. Although no suitable Fleming books have been found for the first Jones-helmed Bond movie, a number of loose adaptations have been touted, including Thunderflounce, The Spy Who Blocked Me On Twitter and Muckraker, where Bond destroys the underground headquarters of the sinister MSM organisation, with a scathing anti-centrist editorial.

Well certainly have to make some concessions to the usual Bond tropes for Mr Jones, admitted director Cary Fukunaga. He came into the first production meeting with a T- shirt saying Sinister intruders with a cod-Soviet accent welcome here, so hes clearly not up for garrotting them with his wristwatch. However hes got some pretty good double entendres ready. We particularly liked I usually only swing wildly to the left, but in your case, Im prepared to make an exception.

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Thursday, 18 October

23:19

Saudi Arabia To X-RAY Stomachs Of Assassination Team "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman assured Secretary of State Mike Pompeo that he would provide X-rays of the stomachs of his assassination team to prove they didnt dispose of Jamal Khashoggi body by eating his body parts.

Saudi Arabia To X-RAY Stomachs Of Assassination Team "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman assured Secretary of State Mike Pompeo that he would provide X-rays of the stomachs of his assassination team to prove they didnt dispose of Jamal Khashoggi by eating his body parts. Altho...

19:02

Awkward Moment As Saudis Dispatch Pompeo Back To Turkey With Bleach And Gloves "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Riyadh, SAUSecretary of State Mike Pompeo asked the world to give Saudi Arabia just a little more time to hide the body *cough* I mean, find the missing Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Look, I dont want to talk about any of the facts. They didnt want to either, because wow that would be awkward. During the visit,

18:04

Saudi Arabian Consul's Words Taken Out Of Context, Claims Riyadh "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As the situation surrounding the disappearance of Washington Post contributor, Jamal Khashoggi, becomes ever more dire, and as the likelihood of the truth ever becoming known diminishes, the Saudi Arabian government has asked everyone to take a deep...

17:25

7 times Jacob Rees-Mogg was owned after he said this about Margaret Thatcher and the 50 note "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Jacob Rees-Mogg with his latest whip-smart take on how Theresa Mays government is handling the Brexit negotiations.

Yes, it would Jacob! Youre absolutely right! Except, er, as these 7 people helpfully pointed out

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16:39

Hannibal Lecter Seen Exiting Saudi Embassy With New Lampshade "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: A newly-released video showing forensic psychiatrist and taxidermist, Dr. Hannibal Lecter, carrying a lampshade out of the Saudi Embassy in Istanbul was released this morning as part of the probe into the disappearance of journa...

16:20

Opinion: Its Time for the Mayonnaise Industry to Turn the Tables and Start Killing Millennials "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Millennial scourge that has rained destructive terror upon our countrys traditional, sentimental product industry has turned its locust-like cataclysmic power on the proud condiment sector of our economy. And the first victim is Americas number five favorite sandwich accompaniment: mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise men! Titans of industry! I submit to you that it is time for us, the proud lubricators of this great nations sandwiches, to strike back against the villainous and highly-desirable advertising demographic of 22-38 year olds with a killing stroke of our own! We must start killing Millennials!

Many sacred American institutions have already fallen victim to the murderously passive-aggressive Millennial conspiracy golf, inescapable mortgage debt, so-called breastaurants, casual rape culture but as CEO of Meat Jelly Mayo, I am issuing a call to arms to all of my brothers in mayonnaise. Kraft, Heinz, Hunts and Hellmanns have all diversified through ketchup, mustard, relish, and tapenade (whatever that is) to the point where they can survive a mayo collapse. Do not envy them my mayonnaise brethren, for they are no longer pure! But here at Meat Jelly, mayo is our bread and butter or, rather, our bread and mayo and so we are especially vulnerable to this relentless attack on our livelihood. We will not fold like some weak-sauce imitator. Were not Miracle Whip. We are mayo!

We have remained true to the notion that eggs beaten into oil can make a sandwich tastier and we will not go silently into the night!

The mayonnaise industry has tried to get through to Millennials via creative marketing strategy. Yes, perhaps trying to lure them in with alternative mayonnaises, such as Meat Jelly Woke! Mayo with Caffeine or Meat Jelly Flamin Hot Cheetos-Flavored mayo product was ill-advised. The Mayor Naise comic book character we created was deemed a highly-insulting and spectacular failure. I concede that attempting to rebrand these people as Mayolennials was our biggest misfire yet. But you cannot say we have not tried! You can maybe say that we have not tried very hard, if you want me to target you next.

But murder goes against my precious Judeo-Christian value system! you whine. Well, then, I could be persuaded to try a policy of systematic capture and re-purposing of Millennials. Avocado toast-based honey traps could be strategically placed throughout various, pre-gentrified urban areas. With the Millennials in captivity, they would be repurposed into wage slaves to prop up social security, or they could be used as Mad Max-style blood bags for Baby Boomers. I am open to ideas, which is my strength as a Captain of Industry. Meat Jelly didnt become known for the slogan: Meat Jelly Mayo: Its like Vanilla for Sandwiches! by accident. One thing is for sure, we cannot let our sacrosanct condiment industry suffer another da...

16:18

Trump to Send Crack Team of FBI Kavanaugh Investigators to Look Into Khashoggi Murder "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington - President Donald Trump and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo have decided to send the same FBI team that completed the 3 day investigation into the Brett Kavanaugh sexual assault charges to Turkey to investigate the murder of journalist Jam...

16:16

New Wiki Created to Document Expanding Reeses Universe "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

DERRY TOWNSHIP, Penn. A group of Reeses fans unveiled a new crowd sourced website that documents the expanding Reeses universe during a press conference held outside of Hersheys corporate office today.

Everytime I step foot into a Walgreens or a CVS theres a new Reeses product that makes me go what the fuck is a Reeses Cruncher? said the wikis head programmer Etta Millington. So it made sense to use crowdsourcing to document eighty-nine different variations of Reeses products.

While the Hersheys corporation is not directly responsible for the new site, representatives of the company have given the project their full backing. We are both excited and humbled by the level of emotional investment and constant confusion that comes from our fan base, said spokesperson Carol Ramsey. Rest assured, we have no plans of slowing down when it comes to exploring just how many unnecessary ways you can combine peanut butter and chocolate.

Following the announcement, fans of the candy universe immediately took to social media to voice their opinions. We really needed this, wrote forum member StopSayingPeesiz47. Last time I was in a Exxon I saw a package claiming that Reeses sold a peanut butter cup with Reeses Pieces inside it. I thought somebody was fucking with me but thanks to the wiki, I now know this is a real product created by a Reeses executive who really wanted to go home and see his family.

However, some fans remained skeptical of the crowd sourced nature of the page. Do you honestly think a bunch of pb cup normies are going to be able to distinguish between [Reeses] Fastbreak, Nutrageous and Eyeballs? wrote Reddit user NutRaginOnYrGurl. Were gonna have to wade through so much crap on this page.

Despite the handful of negative reactions, fans remained largely supportive of the project. Its super important that we get this established fast, wrote Vera Hallinger in a recent Facebook post. Reeses has a new Netflix show coming out and if some corporate SJW replaces a white chocolate big cup with a dark chocolate one Im gonna flip my shit.

The post New Wiki Created to Document Expanding Reeses Universe appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:00

AC/DCs next release to be a concept album based on The Krankies "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In what many in the world of music are seeing as a surprise move, hard-rocking heavy metal supergroup, AC/DC, have announced their next release, Fandabbydozy, will be a modern-day rock opera based on the lives of The Krankies.

Guitarist Angus Young said: Because behind that knockabout slapstick style there are some really serious contemporary issues being tackled head on. For example, gender fluidity. You cant tell me that a mature woman dressed as a schoolboy for decades hasnt been doing cutting-edge pioneering work in this area. One track, Who Really am I? explores this through the medium of a fifteen-minute guitar solo.

Axl Rose, the groups vocalist aadded: Hey, and what about them coming out as having been swingers? Forget driving Harleys into swimming pools or snorting Coke off naked hookers, The Krankies are real rock and roll crazy guys. The final cut on the album, Ten Bangs a Night, is inspired by all that shit, man.

15:45

Wise Scene Elder Decrees Drummer of Two Bands Shall Be Sliced in Half "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

DAYTON, Ohio Wise punk elder Jerry Solly Solowicki was asked to mediate this week between two bands that each claimed ownership of one of the Dayton scenes few drummers, ultimately decreeing the drummer be sliced in half to ensure equal reward, mystified onlookers confirmed.

For a few months now, our drummer has been in what he called a fun side project, which sounded like no big deal, said Eighth Place guitarist Tom Whitcroft. But when we hear hes playing a few out of town gigs with them, and even telling them that were the side project I knew we had to take this matter to Solly.

Witnesses testified Solowicki thoroughly studied the countenance of both bands presenting their claims, and by means of penetrating wisdom, decreed that the drummer should be bisected and split among the two bands.

Solly was just rubbing his forehead the whole time, looking real annoyed. Then, out of the blue, he screamed, Bring me a knife! Cut the drummer in two, and give half to one, and half to the other, said Rage Station vocalist Andy Mulligan. I thought it was a super dumb plan, but I yelled dibs on the top half anyway. I didnt wanna be stuck with a no-arm drummer who is all bass drum and high hat.

However, Whitfield, alarmed by this violent ruling, pleaded with Solowicki to let the drummer remain whole and play with the side project, as it betters the scene to not potentially lose one of its precious few drummers.

Thats when we all realized the true intention of Sollys ruling: he didnt really believe the drummer should be cut in half at all, but instead wanted to prove that me and my other bandmates were the drummers true owners, said a relieved Whitcroft.

Solowicki later admitted, however, that Whitcrofts assumption was not at all his intention.

Ill be honest, I was hungover as balls and just wanted these dudes to stopping talking about this bullshit, said Solowicki later. I wouldve been straight up O.K. with them murdering the drummer and burying his two halves in a shallow grave if it meant theyd leave me alone. These pop-punk dudes really need to grow the fuck up and get a life already.

Photo by Kat Chish.

The post Wise Scene Elder Decrees Drummer of Two Bands Shall Be Sliced in Half appeared first on The Hard Times.

14:19

Mohammed bin Salman Has Eaten Jamal Khashoggi "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mohammed bin Salman, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, whose full and extraordinary name is Mohammed bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Said, has eaten Jamal Khashoggi, it has been claimed. The Prince, 33, had been extremely vague about the whereabouts o...

13:35

A 17-year-old fell for a trans girl and the internets advice will give you hope for humanity "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Being 17 has many positives, such as still having someone else to cook your meals, as well as good health and reasonable eyesight most of the time but it comes with worries about schoolwork, finding your own voice and dealing with peer pressure. When one young man developed quite a crush on a beautiful transgender girl at his school, he was very worried about what his schoolmates might think. He decided to ask Reddit for advice.

This is what he posted.

Unfortunately, not everyone sees her as he does.

Its mostly a male problem.

The relationship has reached a crossroads.

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13:00

50 foot wicker man listed on Etsy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Alongside knitted symbols of paganism and wrought iron sex toys, one careful artisan, Lord Summerisle, has listed a huge man-shaped sculpture of woven twigs, with minor scorch marks around the base on Etsy. For those who like their live sacrifices with a touch of hipster chic, this says Celtic fertility rites, but with a touch of home-brew. It has room for several unwanted children and is suitable for harvest festivals or stag dos.

The listing reads: A once in a lifetime fire-sale. Dont leave your apple crops to chance. Our Wicker Man will provide you with financial security, now that your EU subsidy is coming to an end. Would suit a virgin, Scottish detective or ardent Brexiteer. Lord Summerisle is also offering a line of cosplay outfits, an edible phallus and one burnt policemans hat. A spokeswoman for Etsy admitted: Its an unusual listing. You cant fault the craftsmanship, but if you want to sacrifice virgins surely a holiday to Magaluf is cheaper?

12:56

This Trump dudes scientific take on climate change will have you face palming into next week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres a chap called Bill Mitchell, the self-described Host of TrumpVoice Twitter, all day every day!

And by the looks of what he has to say on climate change, Bill has got Trumps voice down to an absolute tee.

Why didnt anyone else think of that? Because there was no shortage of people ready to agree with him.

Bill may have had a change of heart because the tweet has since been deleted. Maybe he looked at some actual science. Or his house got flooded maybe.

But not before these people had their say. Mostly nut job lefties, probably.

12:35

This Royal Navy captain had the perfect response to a guy who trolled his wifes parking "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Royal Navy captain Rich Harris appears to be a man not to mess with after someone made a joke about women drivers when he tweeted about his wife driving her warship.

Heres what he had to say on Twitter.

A while ago, in a response to a tweet about my wife driving her warship, somebody made a comment about women drivers. This is my wife berthing her ship between a container ship and a destroyer. No tankers, no fuss, not easy (video speeded up for ease).

And heres the video he posted with it.

Beautifully done!

People loved everything about it, and here are just a few of our favourite comments.

12:18

A Labour MP came up with this Brexit solution and these are the only replies you need "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Brexit-loving Labour MP Kate Hoey who thinks she may have come up with a solution to the tricky issue of the Irish border which is making Brexit even more complicated than it already was.

Nice work, Kate, we wonder why someone else hadnt thought of this? Oh yes, this is why.

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12:03

The Apprentice candidates sold chilli doughnuts for 5 each and the hole things unbelievable 19 funny reactions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The candidates on BBC Ones The Apprentice were tasked with making tempting, professional-standard doughnuts to sell to corporate and individual clients as is so often the case, it was a bit of a sh*tshow. During the development stage, a doughnut flavoured with chilli actually caused a candidate, Frank, to choke yet they still proceeded to offer it for sale.

Another big problem was the price they set, which was 5 per doughnut or four for 16. This was particularly hard for people to stomach, as these 19 reactions illustrate.

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11:26

This guy decided to scam a scammer with unexpected results "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres a chap called Llama in a Tux (not his real name. At least, we dont think so) who thought hed see if he could outscam a scammer and the results were, well, have a read for yourself.

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11:10

Someone asked Peter Crouch a question and he got on his high horse "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As well as being a world-class footballer with a glittering career in the England team and for several club sides including Spurs and Liverpool, Peter Crouch has been known for two main things his robot goal celebration and being really, really tall.

Here he is, reviving the robot when he scored his 100th Premier League goal.

It turns out that he can be as entertaining off the pitch as on, with a popular Twitter account and a successful podcast, during an episode of which he was asked a question by a listener and this is how he reacted.

In case you didnt catch it, listener Carl asked Have you ever had a light bulb that was too high to change?, but it certainly wasnt the first time Peter had heard this one and he is clearly completely sick of i...

11:00

Indian bullock cart driver to invest in brand equity "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

523035579_da71ca5851Bharat Maheshwari, a bullock cart driver from the slums of Mumbai, has announced plans to build up his brand recognition in order to win market share. This will form the centrepiece of his second five-year growth strategy after the success of his first one enabled him to buy a 25% stake in the bullock itself.

This is a competitive market, with over 75,000 of us in Mumbai alone, Maheshwari explained to analysts, and its very easy to see one man goading a bullock to pull goods to market by sticking a stave coated in chilli powder up its arse as much like any other. I am therefore exploring ways to differentiate myself through brand image.

Rather than sell one of his daughters into prostitution in order to fund a big-bucks campaign through a major brand awareness firm, Maheshwari has opted for a bottom-up whispering campaign through multiple local media. This will begin with viral poster campaign featuring a silhouette of his cart and the logo Not Just Any Old Bullocks.

Ive opted for English to appeal to the international market. You have to think big when it comes to establishing your identity and the joke doesnt really translate into Marathi. None of my customers can read either language anyway, he explained.

In a second phase, as soon as he can afford the down-payment on a can of paint, the cart will be painted royal blue and red, the colours of Mumbais IPL team, and will tour the centre of town offering rides to children bringing home cowpats for the evening fire. If this raises enough awareness, the empire may soon expand to a second cart.

Long-term, Maheshwari hopes to be able to afford to win celebrity endorsement from the transvestite singers at a wedding he saw over the road a few weeks ago. Sex sells, so Im told, he remarked. I wouldnt know, personally, things were never the same with my wife after my mother accidentally dropped that lead weight on her in the kitchen for not bringing enough dowry with her.

10:50

So this is clearly the coolest thing were all going to see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This coin is so much more exciting than the ones in your pocket. Because it does this.

Ian Lakings post went viral because people loved it so much. Here are a few of the things people were saying about it.

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10:33

Without doubt the greatest run out of all time "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Michael Vaughan thinks this is the greatest run out of all time and who are we to disagree?

They thought it had gone for a 4. It hadnt.

And Vaughan wasnt the only England player to appreciate it.

Source

The post Without doubt the greatest run out of all time appeared first on The Poke.

10:27

Richard Osman has found a Chinese word that might turn the Brexit argument on its head "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The very talented Richard Osman is a comedian, producer and of course TV presenter, but hes also a dad with a daughter living in China who occasionally sends him funny mistranslations, like this one.

However, this latest snippet of Chinese language information has arrived courtesy of one of her friends, and it puts a whole new spin on the Leave or Remain argument.

Some people pointed out a similarity with English.

09:10

These 15 cringeworthy memories of first crushes are as bad as youd expect NSFW "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Although time and nostalgia may eventually paint a rosy glow over first loves even those of the unrequited sort they were mostly brutal and excruciating as our teenage selves struggled to cope with raging hormones, lack of experience and peer pressure. Over on Reddit, people have been looking back at these experiences with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight and its not looking good.

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08:28

Curls Get The Girls Confirms Possible Serial Killer "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A long and wildly held theory has been confirmed today. The theory, that curly hair is in someway more sexually attractive to women has been vindicated in a landmark day for science. More commonly expressed as Curls Get The Girls,  the theory was given weight after a local League Of Legends enthusiast confirmed []

The post Curls Get The Girls Confirms Possible Serial Killer appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:20

These replies to Nigel Farage will never grow old "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Nigel Farage in front of something you might recognise, with a question for everyone.

Its been a while now, but its reassuring to know that the replies will never grow old.

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08:10

This hilarious viral clip shows why 2 people are now unwelcome in a US pancake restaurant "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The American fast-food restaurant chain, IHOP is mostly famous for its delicious pancakes understandably, as its name is an acronym for International House of Pancakes. When Twitter user Blake Azevedo visited a branch with someone he refers to as Matt, they took advantage of the restaurants wide range of syrups in quite an unusual way.

Banning them seems quite harsh, but they probably feel its worth it, because the hilarious clip has gone viral, with almost 11m views in just a few days. They may want to console themselves by reading the feedback their stunt has garnered.

08:09

Favourite 11 things people said about Piers Morgan getting a pie in the face from Harry Hill "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Youll probably have seen by now the wonderful moment when Piers Morgan got a pie in the face from Harry Hill.

Its not so much it happened Morgan was presumably expecting it but its the speed (and the relish) with which he does it.

It prompted plenty of comments, of which these are probably our favourite.

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07:57

This is truly one of the worst pieces of home decor Ive ever seen "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Bryony Gordon shared this picture she found at a shop because it was the worst piece of home decor shed ever seen.

The good news is its (almost) half price. The bad news is, well, look at it.

No, just no.

It might not be flying off the shelves but it proved very popular online, shared more than 4,000 times as I write this. Here are our favourite things people said about it.

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07:09

Rising Tennis Stars Dad Praised For Going Full Season Without Following An Umpire To His Car "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a feel-good story coming out of Betootas Flightpath District today, a local tennis dad has managed to make it to the very end of the season without threatening the life of any chair umpires. Dennis Nikolic, the 44-year-old father and coach of his young daughter Anna has had a chequered past. Like many []

The post Rising Tennis Stars Dad Praised For Going Full Season Without Following An Umpire To His Car appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:37

Jamal Khashoggi Turns Up Safe And Well "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The threat of a diplomatic showdown over the 'murder' of Saudi Arabian journalist, Jamal Khashoggi disappeared this morning, when the Washington Post contributor turned up safe and well. Mr Khashoggi had not been seen since he entered the Saudi Ar...

06:33

Wanker Pronounces Laos Correctly Like He Expects A Frigging Medal "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

blond-businessman-happy-expression_1194-3891.jpg

A local wanker has dropped the correct pronunciation of the name of the country of Laos into conversation like he expects to be awarded some kind of a frigging medal for it, report other participants in the interaction.

Apparently when I was saying how Id like to travel to Laos to do that thing where you ride an inflatable tire down the river, I pronounced it so that it rhymed with louse like some kind of dickhead, said Kirrawee carpenter Shane Docking.

A couple of minutes later when Trent was telling us how hed worked as a volunteer in Laos trying to save the Irrawaddy Dolphin, he pronounced it like it rhymed with how and then added an extra grunty vowel sound.

Id always thought it rhymed with chaos until old mate Trent chimed in and then stuck his chest out like we were supposed to pin a purple frigging heart on him or something, said Sylvania Waters electrician Josh Stapleton. As far as I know the military doesnt hand out brass for getting the diphthong right in speaking the name of a foreign country, so the prick can keep on dreaming.

The Laos incident follows on from a barbecue in 2015 where unemployed Wooloo...

06:06

Anti-Abortion Protestors Surprisingly Not Too Interested In Saving Dying Kids On Nauru "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Queenslands Pro-Lifers are still seething after the state passed legislation yesterday legalising abortion. The self-appointed guardians of the bodies of the states 2.5 million women, took to the streets yesterday to protest the changes to the 19th-century laws, in a heartwarming display of their compassion for human life. In one of the states []

The post Anti-Abortion Protestors Surprisingly Not Too Interested In Saving Dying Kids On Nauru appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:57

Nations Half-Pissed Stockbrokers Distraught To Learn New $50 Notes Arent ATM Friendly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Stockbrokers around the country are sprouting the timeless phrase; If it aint broke, dont fix it, today. This comes after the Reserve Bank of Australia released the latest batch of its Next Generation of bank notes. After the release of the new age 5 and 10 dollar notes in the last couple of []

The post Nations Half-Pissed Stockbrokers Distraught To Learn New $50 Notes Arent ATM Friendly appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:05

Mohammed bin Salman flees to Turkeys embassy in Riyadh "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MbS), next in line to the King, is now reported taking refuge (or vanished) inside Turkeys Embassy in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. This news comes following the controversy over Jamal Khashoggis disappearance inside th...

01:08

Liam Hemsworth And Miley Cyrus Reportedly Caught Up In Byron Bay Hardcore Scene "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Byron Bays newest power couple, Victorian actor Liam Hemsworth and his American fiancee Miley Cyrus have reportedly gone full Byron. This comes after spending the last few years on an off in the North New South Wales with the other Hemsworth siblings. The A-list couple called off their first engagement in 2013, but []

The post Liam Hemsworth And Miley Cyrus Reportedly Caught Up In Byron Bay Hardcore Scene appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Criticism over long wait to be murdered at Saudi embassies "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If you want to be brutally murdered in the Saudi embassy in Paris, you may have to wait seven hours. In Berlin, those who wish to be quietly and tragically assassinated in the Saudi Embassy there may face overnight delays. In Rome, a small encampment of people waiting to be mysteriously dispatched has grown. It includes tents, makeshift showers and a food concession, for those who have been waiting three days or more for the service.

One veteran queuer in London said: Ive queued for a new Apple iPhone, Wimbledon and Barry Manilow concerts but this queue is ultimate. I cant wait to get inside the reputedly ostentatious embassy here in Kensington to see what all the fuss is about. Now the UN has stepped in to say the Saudis must speed up the progress of mysterious embassy slayings, warning that people in the lengthening lines might resort to killing each other in the streets of the world capitals, defeating the purpose of being there and causing street sanitation challenges in smart areas of world cities.

A spokesperson oh, all right, spokesman for the Kingdom apologised, saying the reservation system for consular beheading, shooting and poisoning was suffering teething problems, and those without reservations should stay at home until invited by text message to be slaughtered by hit squads flown in to carry out the homicides. One problem is dealing with the after-effects of the vicious killings, with clean-up teams and decorators working round the clock to restore embassies to their original oil-funded opulence before the next victim faces faceless swordsmen, firing squads or sinister figures brandishing syringes.

The Kingdom is at pains to point out that the crisis does not affect those attending embassies to secure visas for entry into the country, but warned vis applicants to take care to get into the correct line. President Trump announced yesterday he will be looking in to the murders to see whether lessons could be learned by the US Immigration Department. He applauded the Saudi diplomatic communitys efforts to increase efficiency, offering the country what he called a range of personal security hardware at attractively reduced rates to help deal with the problem and speed up the increasingly popular killings.

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Wednesday, 17 October

23:23

Who Killed Jamal Khashoggi? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Who killed the Saudi messenger, Jamal Khashoggi? Visiting the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul, Jamal was a Washington Post columnist and resident of the United States. No one knows where exactly it happened, when it happened, or how. There were no w...

16:03

Man Wakes Up To Find That He Is Invisible "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man in the Battambang commune of Tapon awoke to find himself faced with an unusual situation this morning, whereby he was, to all intents and purposes, INVISIBLE! Moys Kenwood, 55, rose at 5:30am as normal, but that was to be the end of 'normali...

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Monday, 24 September

15:42

Kavanaugh Allegations To Include Upskirting? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

US Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, is facing a rising tide of sexual misconduct allegations, after a new witness came forward today, but what people really want to know is: Has he been upskirting? Deborah Ramirez, a 53-year-old, who was...

14:16

The Ku KLux Klan to welcome minorities "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Ku Klux Klan has announced plans to introduce more diversity into the organisation to combat dwindling membership. Speaking by phone from his compound in Red Knob, Arkansas, Gaylord McFukwit, leader of the Swamp Knights, the biggest of the US...

11:31

Supreme Court Nominee and Sex Accuser Hearings Moved to Madison Square Garden "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington, D.C. - I don't think there is anyone in America who hasn't been exposed to the devolving, salacious story about Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh and his sex accuser Christine Blasey Ford. I remember when only presidential assassins a...

09:49

Top Fashion Designers Focus On Upskirting "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The new craze of upskirting has figured prominently in next year's Spring collections of many of the world's foremost fashion designers, some of whom have used rather less fabric than they did in last season's skirt designs. Upskirting is the exci...

Sunday, 23 September

22:27

Sex doll brothel laundering jobs boost US employment "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A new industry has arisen to aid the nations unemployed, under-employed, and full-time employed who have only three part-time jobs. At this time, machine laundering in the sex doll brothel movement has not sufficiently developed, and humans are...

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