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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Wednesday, 18 April

00:19

Column: Mark Lathams Guide To Being A Cook "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When those lefty freaks at The (un)Australian tweeted me to ask if I would write for them you could have knocked me over with a feather as I swore Id blocked them. But then I got to thinking, you know Mark the more people you reach the more people you can abuse. So I took a break from angrily tweeting random females on Twitter and pulled together a recipe for all you lefties to cook and hopefully choke on.

As a man you must be able to cook. Whether its for yourself or to pull a root. The days of ordering take away are over. Especially for me as Im banned from using Uber eats after I challenged the driver to a fist fight.

One of my favourite dishes to cook and its somewhat of a specialty of mine is meat pie ala Latho. Now dont panic this is not a complicated dish. First thing you need to do is pull the pie out of the freezer. Preferably grab a chunky beef variety, one that will really get up a vego leftys nose.

After getting it out of the freezer you then take the pie out of the plastic, this is a difficult step. Especially if like me you are not allowed to be around sharp objects. Personally I use my teeth.

O...

00:11

Australians Slowly Return To Regular Lives As Trinity Grammar Disaster Finally Resolved "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

trinity grammar

Australians can at last move on and begin the healing process after the resolution of a two-week-long hair-cutting incident at a Melbourne school.

The two torrid weeks took their toll on ordinary Australians, with many still coming to terms with the fact a higher school teacher lost his job and was then reinstated.

The event consumed the nation, with 11,000 separate media stories written about the saga. We can now get back to reading about more frivolous things like the war in Syria, one relieved Australian said. It was touch and go there for a while.

He said the country would grow from the experience. From adversity comes strength. Or, as a private school motto might say, Tenacitas per aspera.

The 400 journalists covering the story are now without work.

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Tuesday, 17 April

19:40

You wont believe what Barack Obama says in this video "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This video of the former president was posted online by Buzzfeed. Key thing here is to watch the whole thing. Or, at least until halfway

Except some people

...

18:13

White House Needs Bigger Bus To Throw People Under "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tweet TowerThe Trump Administration feels the current White House bus is no longer adequate to keep up with the current demand. In a speech from the Rose Garden today, President Trump said, You folks hired the Youre Fired guy, so this shouldnt be a surprise to anyone. I just reversed something Nikki Haley said at the

16:26

Best thing weve read in the Mail for a long time after reporters private thoughts go public "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Youd need a heart of stone wouldnt you? not to feel some degree of sympathy for the Daily Mail reporter whose musings on a Google document accidentally ended up in Mail Online.

The reporter was said to be mortified after her comments about reality TV contestantson an Aussie TV show, Bachelor in Paradise, went public and stayed there for several hours before they were deleted.

Florence [Alexandra] initially rose to fame on Matty Js season of The Bachelor, before unsuccessfully trying her luck at love again in Paradise.

But most people who were educated at a high-school level know these vapid cunts only go on the shows to find mediocre Instagram fame and make a living promoting teeth whiteners and unnecessary cosmetic procedures.

16:04

Morrisseys done another interview and here are the only 7 things you need to know "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Morrisseys done another interview and these people have read it so you dont have to.

Thank goodness for that.

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16:00

Wetherspoon bans reading "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Following their decision to withdraw from social media, the pub chain has signalled its intention to roll back on the industrial age, medieval agrarian reform and washing in winter. A spokesman for Tim Martin insisted that the internet was the work of the evil goblins and that Spotify was the devil spunking in your ear.

The spokesman said: Aye, nothing good ever came of writing. Folks round here dont take too kindly to letters and basic hygiene. If the God lord had wanted us to use Facebook he would have scooped out our brains and replaced them with a turnip. He went on to demand that all printing presses were destroyed and anyone on Instagram was burnt as a witch.

The Wetherspoons menu will now be solely pictorial, with the helpful image of deep-fried nematode worm and a side order of chunky fries. Any patron caught wearing a t-shirt with a slogan will be asked to don a smock of sackcloth and ashes, from Jacamo.

Management were keen to emphasize that this was not a rejection modern communication but a vote in favour of the carrier pigeon. Despite the adjustment, Wetherspoon intends to keep Friday nights simple; with drunken harlots rolling in mud, being beaten by a baying mob, armed with an inflated pigs bladder on a stick so no change there then.

15:56

Recently Divorced Man Flicks Metaphorical Cigarette into Gasoline by Buying Magic the Gathering Starter Pack "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NANTICOKE, Pa. After going through an arduous divorce, horrified witnesses reported that local resident Andrew Stone said fuck it under his breath to himself before furthering his dive into despair, flicking a metaphorical cigarette into a life doused in gasoline, walking away as it explodes behind him, by getting into Magic The Gathering.

He strode over to the register, tossed his wallet to the cashier and said You best get your loved ones out of here because a man with nothing left to lose and a Magic The Gathering deck is a dangerous thing, said Alexis Stewart, a clerk at a local game store. The sheer terror of his tone almost caused me to shit my pants.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

According to those close to the scene, friends and family of Stone, after hearing about the incident, were brought to tears.

Well there goes any chance of him getting custody of the kids, his mother Teresa Stone sobbed. I just dont understand how he could give up on life when he has his friends, his family his job. He could have asked for help, but instead he decided to piss his life away on the heroin of competitive card games.

At least heroin users have the decency to eventually overdose, we are going to have to watch him self-destruct on this horseshit for decades or at least until he discovers Hearthstone, she explained to police.

At press time, Stone reportedly doubled down on his spiral into nothingness with the online purchase of various Warhammer 40,000 figurines.

...

15:51

Daily Mail today vs Daily Mail every other day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Todays Daily Mail front page caught a few people by surprise because, well, it appeared to be saying the right thing for a change.

But just in case you need reminding

Ah yes, thats more like it.

In conclusion

Source

The post Daily Mail today vs Daily Mail every other day appeared first on The Poke.

15:30

Sigur Rs Karaoke Massive Flop at Office Party "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. Measureworks IT technician Jeff Simmins left dozens of bar patrons perplexed last night after singing Svefn-g-englar by Icelandic avant-rock band Sigur Rs at a company karaoke party, multiple eyewitnesses confirmed.

I just killed on Paradise City before the new guy got up there, said Measureworks salesman Chris Wu. This weird, fancy, atmospheric music played for like, 10 minutes, and then there were all these weird sounds that I guess were background vocals or something.

It sounded like whales arguing, added Measureworks Human Resources rep Reshma Saraman.

Simmins, a karaoke novice and casual Sigur Rs fan, acknowledged that while he has no idea what the Icelandic band is singing about, he does like their album ().

On the lyric screen, there were no words it was nothing but wavy lines and the words elf-like moan in parenthesis. I knew right then and there that Id really fucked up in front of everybody, Simmins said. My voice blew out during the high-pitched wailing part seven minutes in.

Related:

The Orange Lamp, the host venue for the party boasting the biggest karaoke book on Staten Island, reportedly offers a wide selection of thousands of songs, some more crowd-pleasing than others.

Jeff wasnt the even worst one last night, Saraman confirmed. After he disappeared, some drunk guy got up and did that Enya song the one thats all like, Sail away, sail away Is that what its called? You know what I mean.

When asked if hell ever do karaoke again, a hesitant Simmins claimed that if and when he ever does, he surely wont make the same mistake twice.

I might try again, but not Sigur Rs, he said. Id go with something simple like the Cocteau Twins. I think Ive learned my lesson.

 

The post Sigur Rs Karaoke Massive Flop at Office Party
appeared first on...

15:05

Behind the scenes story of this University Challenge cock-up is more exciting than the real thing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It was the University Challenge semi-final last night between Newcastle University and Merton College, Oxford.

Halfway through there was a perfectly innocent looking music round in which Newcastle bagged all three bonuses.

Except the reality was rather more dramatic, as documented by this audience member on Twitter. This could be the most exciting thing weve never seen on University Challenge.

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15:00

Hotel California to review check-out policy in light of Tripadvisor ratings "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heartbreak Hotel just down the road 'a better bet'A popular Californian hotel has admitted that serious administrative oversights may have contributed to an onslaught of damning feedback on travel website, Tripadvisor.com.

We are heartened to see such positive comments about our flexible check-out timings, with many remarking that the Hotel California is ideal for solo or business travel, said Head of PR, Eddie Frey. But taking into account the volume of issues that have been raised about slow room service, the quality of the continental breakfast and involuntary infinite captivity, weve decided to make some changes if were to stay competitive with the local Ramada Inn.

The advent of social media has given a voice to disgruntled guests, many of whom have been enforced residents in the hotel lobby for several decades. Its one thing to physically prevent us from leaving, reads one two-star review, but they could at least offer us a few comps from the bar. I asked the barman for a Campari a few years back. He told me they hadnt had that spirit there since 1969. And there were no sodding nuts.

Whilst unconfirmed reports suggested that some guests were complaining merely to qualify for their first Tripadvisor reviewer badge, local law enforcement declined to comment on whether they would be investigating what some claim is a mass hostage situation in matching bathrobes.

But several guests expressed their satisfaction with their eternal imprisonment, citing the cleanliness of the bathroom and receptionists cleavage as aspects they would recommend to a friend although a handful of reviewers were concerned that this doesnt count as a spare room, right?

14:32

This womans guide to watching movies went viral because its how we all spend our evenings now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This guide to watching movies went viral because it chimed with so many people and reminded them that, really, the on-demand era isnt all its cracked up to be.

The radio and TV presenters 5-point guide clearly struck a chord. And not just with us, it turned out.

...

14:02

Turns out there was more to that Morrisons story than meets the pie "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

No doubt youll have seen the story about the couple who were furious that Morrisons wouldnt serve them a pie before 9am.

Jolly good tale it was too.

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13:31

People are sharing stories of how big a loser they were in school and it will take you right back "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It started when Buzzfeed journalist David Mack decided to share how big a loser he was in school.

And he decided to find out if other people had similar stories to tell.

And just in case they needed any more encouragement, he decided to share some more.

13:04

Private Eye has the last word on those Syria airstrikes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres what Donald Trump had to say after the US, UK and France bombed Syria at the weekend.

And heres the cover of the new issue of Private Eye, out now.

Nailed it.

Source

The post Private Eye has the last word on those Syria airstrikes appeared first on The Poke.

13:00

Boris Johnson found guilty of not being Boris Johnson "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who has been passing himself off as a bumbling politician for the past twenty years is today starting a three year prison sentence after having been convicted of multiple instances of deception.

Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, never went to Oxford or Eton it has been revealed. Hes not even Boris Johnson but is in fact a brickies labourer called Reg Clark, who says he honed his Boris Johnson character while playing the buffoon in an Edwardian farce for his local amateur dramatics society. He further perfected the portly persona with a daily diet of six Big Macs and milkshakes, and putting his suit on in the dark every morning.

Mr Clark was almost rumbled a few years ago while posing as Mayor of London, but was saved by a character reference from Jeffrey Archer. He claims to have put his past behind him, although he does hope to be out before they pick a new Archbishop of Canterbury.

11:38

This thread starts sad but all will be forgiven by its glorious conclusion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It began when a chap had the unfortunate task of alerting people about a dead pet.

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And the phrase like that but cat took on a whole new life of its own. Unlike the cat, sadly.

11:14

NT Hoping Southern Lefties Too Caught Up On Splendour To Notice Them Fracking Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Fracking is set to resume in the Northern Territory, following the Governments decision to lift a moratorium but enforce strict new laws and regulations on the industry while all of these soap dodging lefties down South try to decide if they are happy enough with the 2018 Splendour line up. Chief Minister []

The post NT Hoping Southern Lefties Too Caught Up On Splendour To Notice Them Fracking Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:13

A Tory MEP said this about the Windrush scandal and these are the only 8 responses you need "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres what Conservative MEP Daniel Hannan had to say about the whole Windrush affair, the scandal which even the Daily Mail thought was outrageous.

And here are the only 8 replies you need.

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10:57

You can probably see where this is going "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The old ones are still the best. Well, sometimes.

Source

The post You can probably see where this is going appeared first on The Poke.

09:45

Undercover author finds Chronicle newsroom workers peed in bottles under harsh deadlines and threats of violence "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Comedy writers work long hours without bathroom breaks at chronicle.su

Rushed Chronicle staff reportedly pee into bottles as theyre afraid of time-wasting because the toilets are far away and they fear getting into trouble for taking long breaks.

  • An undercover author told Vice that workers at a chronicle.su truth fulfillment center peed in bottles because they were scared the long trip to the outhouse would cause them to miss targets.
  • The author, James Galloway, found that staff members feared being disciplined for missing deadlines.
  • A separate survey of Internet Chronicle writers released Monday found that some workers who reported feeling sick from prolonged polonium exposure said they were penalized for taking breaks to throw up outdoors.
  • Internet Chronicle said it didnt recognize the allegations as an accurate portrayal of its forced labor sweat house working conditions.

Chronicle founder R.T. Sakers may be the worlds most dangerous thrillionaire, with a net worth of about 150 billion bitcoins, but at least some of those working in his newsrooms are apparently so desperate to keep their jobs that they dont even take time to use an outhouse, located a convenient 450 yards away, down a beaten path into the holler.

The author James Galloway went undercover at an Internet Chronicle sweat house in Cuthbert, Ga., for a book on stagnant wages in Lebal Drocer subsidiaries. He found that the sweat houses main reporters, who toil over unlabeled mechanical keyboards typing truth for the idiot masses, had a toilet bottle system in place because the bathrooms were too sparse to get to quickly.

...

09:38

Greens Announce Two New Policies Legalising Marijuana And I Cant Remember The Other One "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

richard di natale cannabis

Greens leader Richard Di Natale says his party will push to legalise cannabis and implement another policy that he cant remember the details of right now.

Di Natale said the change in law was long overdue and that he would like two large pizzas and a garlic bread please. The reason why this law is so important is hang on, make that three pizzas.

He said there wasnt any time to waste. Well look to change the law regarding cannabis usage straight away. Or tomorrow. Definitely by next month.

Actually, I cant arsed. All that work drafting a bill, and then negotiating everything, and then selling it to the public. F**k that

09:26

The Saga of Mark Zuckerberg and the Booster Cushion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

During his Congressional testimony, Zuckerberg was perched on a booster cushion to, well, give him a boost. In the long hours of testimony he became very attached to the booster cushion, so much so that when his testimony was over, he refused to s...

08:50

Deadshit Little Cousin Given Bottom-Rung Job Of Showing Wedding Guests Where To Park "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local shithead, Riley Paterson (15) has been given the most out-of-the-way job possible at his cousin Megs wedding this afternoon. After making quite a scene about refusing to wear dress trousers, and somehow knocking over a table of rented glassware Riley has been sent down to the oval next to the church, []

The post Deadshit Little Cousin Given Bottom-Rung Job Of Showing Wedding Guests Where To Park appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:41

Our favourite 5 responses to todays Daily Mail front page "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres todays Daily Mail front page addressing the governments outrageous treatment of the Windrush generation of British residents, and our favourite 5 responses.

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08:11

Womans apocalyptic visit to a public loo goes viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weve all been out and about when weve suddenly needed to use the loo, right?

And its not always been straightforward finding one. Fortunately for all of us, its never been quite as hellish as this. At least, we hope not.

Heres how a woman called Nicole told her story on Facebook. In 10 movements.

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06:57

Bunnings Employee Powers Through 5th Nah Mate, Im Fine And Gives Unwanted Opinion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Looks like youre building a bathroom? asked Banjo Clemente. Miles Hanlon, a grown adult, looked up to see the fresh-faced Bunnings storeperson looking back at him. Yeah, mate, he said. Banjo smiled and began the first assault on Mr Hanlons personal space. Well, have you considered what youre going to be doing to []

The post Bunnings Employee Powers Through 5th Nah Mate, Im Fine And Gives Unwanted Opinion appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:47

The American Judge From The Voice Appears On Stage With Beyonce Knowles At Coachella "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The American pop singer known as Beyonc has made history as the first black woman to headline Coachella in a performance that included a surprise appearance from her husband, sister and other close friends. Namely, one of the judges from The Voice Australia, who has been apparently been friends with Beyonc Knowles for []

The post The American Judge From The Voice Appears On Stage With Beyonce Knowles At Coachella appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:33

Abbott Calls On Santa ScoMo To Give Everyone Coal This Christmas Budget "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Former (despite what Peta Credlin says) Prime Minister Tony Abbott has called on the Treasurer Scott Morrison to deliver coal to every Australian this year as part of his Christmas themed budget.

In the past coal has been traditionally associated with naughty boys and girls but I think we can all agree that times are a changing and coal is a good thing, said Mr Abbott. I mean without coal you would have no Coalitition.

When reached for comment the Treasurer didnt rule out Mr Abbotts calls saying: I wont say a bad word about coal in fact Im quite fond of coal myself. But I do take issue with being called Santa, I dont like it and I hate Christmas. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

What an awful time of year. We should be celebrating the real season of giving. Tax time. What a wonderful time of year that is, when the Government takes from the poor and gives to the rich.

Who cares about Santa and his elves what about the Australian Tax Office and their debt collectors?

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can check out our new show ...

03:24

Senator Di Natale Getting Everything Ready For 20th Of April "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Youth Culture | CONTACT Leader of The Greens Richard Di Natale did not appear his confident, charming self as he spoke to reporters today, appearing to fidget and twiddle his thumbs. Ive just been trying to make sure we can clear our schedule in a couple days. Ive been making sure theres nothing I need []

The post Senator Di Natale Getting Everything Ready For 20th Of April appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:08

NRL Says Controversial Opinions Dont Matter If You Can Score Tries And Keep Out Of Jail "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Prefacing his statement, NRL CEO Todd Greenberg started by outlining that the highest point-scorer in the games history has never had a beer to celebrate that. He said that it was a sport often plagued by scandal, criminal activity and many things worse. But above all, the game of rugby []

The post NRL Says Controversial Opinions Dont Matter If You Can Score Tries And Keep Out Of Jail appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Former Labour Leader wins Right to be Forgotten case "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A former Labour Party leader has won a High Court injunction for the right to be forgotten against internet giant, Google. The man, who cannot been named due to reporting restrictions, wanted search results about him eating a bacon sandwich completely removed from the search engine.

The judge ruled in the mans favour today commenting, Nobody should have to see that clip ever again. A separate claim made by another former Labour leader who had committed a more serious crime, namely invading Iraq was rejected by the court.

The former leader, who won his case, was humiliated eight years ago of conspiring to to look like a man of the people but ending up look a total arse. He was sentenced to a lifetime of humiliation on YouTube and Channel 4s I remember the 2000s programme.  The other leader who lost his case, was never convicted of war crimes but has spent over a decade being ridiculed by impressionists Jon Culshaw and Rory Bremner. Both men had asked Google to remove search results about their previous actions, stating that they were no longer relevant.

A spokesman for Google said: We agree that these men are no longer relevant adding, but did you see that guy eating the bacon sandwich? before bursting into a fit of giggles. A spokesman for Ask Jeeves said, Who the hell is Ed Miliband?

00:37

Peta Credlin Diagnosed As Suffering Delusions Of Relevance "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sky News host Peta Credlin has been diagnosed as suffering from delusions of relevance following her appearance on The Bolt Report where she claimed to have spoken to the Minister for the Environment and Energy Josh Frydenburg over his criticisms of former Prime Minister Tony Abbott. Credlin assured The Bolt Report viewer that these attacks would not happen again, a claim denied by Minister Frydenburg.

We see that often when someone goes from being a person in a powerful position to being forced out due to incompetence that they revert to a sense of denial, said Psychologist Ian Shrink. In the case of Peta Credlin she is dealing with her grief over her loss of power with a sense of exaggeration and a false bravado.

I mean thinking that in her role as a Sky News host that she speaks for people or let alone anyone actually watches is a cause for concern.

When reached for comment over the diagnosis Peta Credlin said: You dont know me and neither does this psychologist. I am not delusional my show has 10s of viewers and I led the greatest Government ever, the Abbott Government.

Ask anyone how great Tony was as Prime Minister, go on ask Eric Abetz or Kevin Andrews theyll tell you.

Mark Williamson
www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

...

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Monday, 16 April

22:25

"Woody Woodpecker" Goes Straight to DVD, Shockingly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Recently, film buffs were taken with surprise to see DVD ads for the 2017 film Woody Woodpecker. It is quite clear from the preview that we are dealing with a cinematic masterpiece. The film delivers a powerful environmental message as the titular bi...

20:22

Man Makes Excellent Point on Neighborhood ListServ "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

During a not-so-neighborly discussion on their neighborhood listserv, Ken Campbell of Red River, Tennessee, made an excellent point in response to people's complaints about certain residents' hyper-political listserv posts. Why do you read them i...

18:51

Someone found this in the government advice for British residents it is deporting to Jamaica "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The government has put together a helpful document for British residents it is deporting to Jamaica.

Its called Coming home to Jamaica and this is how it starts.

This guide has been put together through the collaboration of several dedicated Jamaican charities and non-governmental organisations with the support of the British High Commission in Kingston and the Ministry of National Security. The guide also compliments the Coming Home to Jamaica DVD.

We hope that you find it useful as you prepare for your return to Jamaica and re-settle back on this beautiful, diverse island!

But this is the bit that went viral because, well, see for yourself.

18:37

David Lammys Windrush speech went viral because it was so devastating "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Labour MP David Lammys attack on the governments treatment of the Windrush generation has gone viral because it was so devastating.

The government has apologised after many immigrants who arrived from the Commonwealth decades ago as children have been told they are here illegally.

Lammy, the Labour MP for Tottenham, said it was a national day of shame for the government and said prime minister and former Home Secretary Theresa May was to blame for a climate of far-right rhetoric.

(via)

(via)

18:23

Outside Ant McPartlins car crash court hearing, an entirely appropriate thing happened on live TV "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We now go live to our reporter outside Ant McPartlins car crash court hearing where the star was fined 86,000 and banned from driving for 20 months.

Wasnt Dec in the car was it?

Car crash TV.

Source

The post Outside Ant McPartlins car crash court hearing, an entirely appropriate thing happened on live TV appeared first on The Poke.

17:40

Stop Kink Shaming Me and Start Regular Shaming Me Because Thats My Kink "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With poser-ass S&M bullshit like 50 Shades of Grey and the word cuck infiltrating the mainstream culture like never before you would think that kink shaming would be a thing of the past. I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.

Everywhere I go I am shamed for my lifestyle. Whether Im wearing my slave collar at a Papa Johns, a mesh body stocking at the library, or simply enjoying a coffee in my Yes Daddy t- shirt, I am the subject of scoff and ridicule by vanilla heteronormative onlookers, and frankly, Im sick of it. Listen up closed-minded people: Its 2018. Stop shaming me for my kinky lifestyle and start shaming me just sort of in general, because thats the kind of freaky ass shit Im into!

Dont you dare try to tell me I shouldnt be out in public because of the provocative things I wear. Tell me I shouldnt be out in public because Im worthless! Oh yeah, tell, me Im nothing, spit on me, come on daddy do it! Tell me what a pathetic worm I am!

Related: 10 Sex Robots Everyone Keeps Telling Me Are Just Regular Robots

 

Would you believe that I have been kicked out of bars in my own town under threat of violence simply because of the lifestyle I represent? Its wrong! These men should not want to beat me simply because my lifestyle is different then theirs. They should want to beat me because I would be a fully willing and eager recipient of said beating! Throw me to the ground and take turns kicking me, anything goes! And they should throw lit cigarette butts at me too. But only because Im worthless!

Its very simple. Do not insult and attack me because I represent something that goes against your personal value system. Insult and attack me because you are a superior masculin bull and you want to show my wife what a real man can do.

Look, what I choose to do behind closed doors is my business. And what I choose to do on a city bus is your business. And if you dont like it, dont be shy. Really let me have it! I have been very, very bad and i deserve to be punished.

Our kink is watching you put ON our t-shirts:

16:36

Someone spotted an unfortunate design fail on this book cover "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Twitter Georgina Lee spotted an unfortunate design fail which she suggested could have been avoided if only a woman had been involved.

Can you spot it?

The replies might help.

...

16:10

Someone found the first meme and its 98 years old "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someones found the first meme and it turns out its from 1921.

Its from something called Judge magazine, comparing how you think you look like when a photo is taken, to what you really look like.

So just like any number of those expectation vs reality gags which, if put end to end, would stretch from here to Mars.

And people were busy updating it, like this.

...

16:00

BMWs to come with disabled parking sticker pre-installed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BMW has announced that as BMW drivers are going to park in disabled parking spaces anyway, theyre going to simplify the system by pre-printing a disabled parking badge into the windscreen. A spokesman explained that Some parking enforcement officers are still giving tickets to drivers in disabled spaces even though the BMW logo is clearly visible. To make things even clearer, were adding the pre-printed badge.

Other new innovations include arrogant cruise control that will now allow Sales Reps to automatically cut in from the outside lane at the last minute when approaching motorway lane closures and road layouts where two lanes merge into one.

The new 7 series features the much anticipated automatic park across two spaces feature. This is really excellent!, enthused 7 series owner, Sales Director Gavin Snorker, when Im in town from the country place, I can let the car do the parking and its spot on exactly over the line between spaces, I have to admit I struggle to get that manually.

 

15:30

Punk Unsure Which Green Day Records Hes Allowed to Like "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BERKELEY, Calif. Local punk Tom Reynolds is still unsure which Green Day albums hes allowed to enjoy publicly while still maintaining his punk cred, despite years of independent research, sources confirm.

My friend Annie said once they went political, they totally sold out, but that everything up to and including  Insomniac is all good, Reynolds recalled. But this older punk dude said hes only down with Minnesota Girl which Id never even heard of before he went on a Crimpshrine tangent for like, 25 minutes. It felt like the longest bus ride of my entire life.

Various punks chimed in with differing opinions.

Its not that fucking hard 39/Smooth, Kerplunk!, and thats it, said aging punk Sarita Patel. Anything after they signed to Reprise is straight garbage. Even Dookie.

Meanwhile, self-described scene legend Chad Chernak only confused Reynolds even further. Ska covers of American Idiot are the only acceptable incarnation of Green Day, he allegedly claimed.

Ultimately, Reynolds consulted an expert for an official verdict.

Heres the thing: if youre OK with the first two records, you gotta allow everything up to Nimrod. A lot of those songs were written pre-Dookie anyway, said amateur Green Day historian Adam Lefler, drawing on nearly 30 years of research. Haushinka is from like 91 or something, for example.

Related:

Then you get these pretentious, supposed purists who claim to hate Idiot, but its just like all the other records so why wouldnt you like it? an increasingly agitated Lefler added. Plus, 21st was all rip-offs of Warning anyway, so thats obviously gonna get a pass. I dont know. Its not like they put out Ratitude or something. Give them a fucking break.

Unfortunately, the one final, definitive opinion Reynolds received only ga...

15:30

This was never going to end well for Bake Off winner Nadiya Hussain (and it didnt) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres former Great British Bake Off winner Nadiya Hussain taking to Twitter to ask for a bit of advice.

We know what she means were pretty sure everyone knows what she means but it didnt stop lots of people making the same joke. With some style, it has to be said

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14:59

Spike Milligan would have been 100 today and here are 13 favourite things people are sharing on Twitter "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Spike Milligan would have been 100 today and people are sharing memories of the late, great man on Twitter.

Here are 13 of our favourites.

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14:06

David Baddiel posted this picture of his son and a whole load of parents shared similar moments "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When David Baddiel posted this picture of his son he had no idea what was about to happen.

To say it struck a chord with parents everywhere may be an understatement.

Here are our 17 favourite replies.

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13:00

UK Government unveils new British Nuclear Winter Time "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The UK Government has announced plans for a new statutory time scale to be known as British Nuclear Winter Time (NWT) in the event of a catastrophic escalation of political and military tensions in the Middle East.

Given Russia, the US, the UK and France all account for around 99% of all known nuclear warheads, the new time scale would reflect the realities of the unprecedented challenges we face, the spokesperson said. Unlike British Summer Time or Greenwich Mean Time, Nuclear Winter Time will not actually move in the conventional sense of time. Rather, clocks set to NWT will simply stop at a suitably ominous hour, and remain there for at least 80 years.

While denying accusations that the Government was panicking, the gravely pale spokesperson confirmed that the necessary Parliamentary legislation would become law by tomorrow.

12:04

Tempers Boil Over In Chermside Coles During Argument Over Neil Finn Joining Fleetwood "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Music | CONTACT Tempers have flared up today at North Brisbanes Chermside Shopping Centre, after two men reportedly got into a heated argument over Neil Finns announcement that hes joined Fleetwood Mac. Peter Green, 28, and Jeremy Spencer, 35, were in the dairy aisle at Woolworths when Jeremy made a negative remark about Peters Crowded []

The post Tempers Boil Over In Chermside Coles During Argument Over Neil Finn Joining Fleetwood appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:37

Newspaper letter of the day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Is won by this chap in the Times.

Could be worse you could do the maths and it turns out you were never actually born.

Source

The post Newspaper letter of the day appeared first on The Poke.

11:15

Twitter exchange of the day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

And the winner is Peter Crouch and this bloke, after the footballer congratulated Manchester City on winning the Premier League.

Bravo to all involved.

11:00

Conservatives and Lib Dems unmasked in sham marriage clampdown "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A Church of England crackdown on sham marriages has raised fundamental questions about the union of David Cameron and Nick Clegg who were married in a civil ceremony in May last year.

Unfortunately there will always be unscrupulous couples out there who are prepared to abuse the office of political matrimony and enter into a coalition based on a lie, said Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury. I fear that what we have here is nothing more than a marriage of convenience perpetrated to stop either party being removed from power in the UK.

A Church of England investigation suggests that in the last year alone as many as 306 Tory MPs and 57 Lib Dem MPs have been implicated in an organised sham marriage racket. People forget that what looks like an act of deception committed by two people is often the work of criminal gangs involved in far more sinister activities like massive public sector cuts and the extortion of crippling amounts of money from students.

New guidelines for vicars on spotting sham marriages suggest that the Cameron-Clegg ceremony ought to have set alarm bells ringing from the start. In hindsight, it is clear that the couple barely knew each other and that the families on both sides looked pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing indeed the Maid of Honour, Vince Cable, looked visibly frightened at what he was being asked to do. But it can be very difficult for vicars when one or even both parties to the marriage are willing to jump into bed with almost anyone to gain a modicum of social standing.

Journalist Nick Robinson, who was present at the garden party reception at No.10, now admits that the couples specially adapted vows were the biggest giveaway. The vicar asked, Do you, David William Donald Cameron, promise to use the financial crisis as an opportunity to push through your ideological belief in a smaller state which helps the rich and punishes the poor? He then asked, And do you, Nicholas William Peter Clegg, promise to let him do it? Nick Clegg said, I do, which at least is a promise he appears to have kept.

But supporters of the coalition argue that Cameron and Clegg have much in common and are very happily married. They have very similar backgrounds, and when you see the two of them together theres no denying the bromance. Critics remain unconvinced, however. You know its not a proper marriage when they cant even find anything to disagree about.

simonjmr

10:52

Every time a player throws a dart, the dog does this "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A chap called Paul Bronks shared this video on Twitter and people love him for it.

Love it!

Source

The post Every time a player throws a dart, the dog does this appeared first on The Poke.

10:29

When youre a huge Doctor Who fan but youre too busy on your phone to notice this "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This is very funny and a tiny bit tough on this Doctor Who fan, as posted by Georgia Tennant on Twitter.

Yes that is Georgias husband David Tennant the 10th Doctor under the baseball cap. You know that, we know that, but does he know that?

Except, well, now the Doctor Who fan has found out and hes taken it remarkably well, frankly.

09:49

Man orders 'black' coffee and is arrested for being a racist "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hoping for a quick caffeine boost before heading off to work, a US/Italian man in Philadelphia, ordered a 'black' coffee at a well known, downtown coffee bar and was promptly arrested! Actually, it was not him whom the cops came to arrest. Unfortu...

09:48

Wetherspoons is giving up Twitter so lets remember the day this happened "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

JD Wetherspoons has announced its closing down all of its Twitter, Facebook and other social media accounts so what better way to make the occasion than remembering when this happened?

Perri Nicole was just an ordinary young woman wanting to get a free drink from thirsty men on the internet.

First she announced her location and the table number so people can buy her drinks using the Wetherspoons app.

https://twitter.com/perrigame/status/962804870737727488

Then nothing happened

Then drinks started coming

So many drinks

HUGE AMOUNTS OF DRINKS INCLUDING MILK?!

An hour later, so much booze

09:29

Wetherspoons is giving up social media so this will always be their greatest moment "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

JD Wetherspoon has announced it is closing down its Twitter, Instagram and Facebook accounts for all its 900 pubs and head office with immediate effect.

The pub chain said it was going against conventional wisdom that these platforms are a vital component of a successful business and said it was becoming increasingly obvious that people spend too much time on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

And not enough time in the pub, they forgot to add.

So it looks like this will always be their greatest moment on Twitter.

READ MORE

This woman asked for strangers to send her free drinks using the Wetherspoons app and what happened next will make you proud to be British

The post Wetherspoons is giving up social media so this will always be their greatest moment appeared first on The Poke.

09:23

Closing Ceremony: Peter Beattie Unreservedly Apologises To All 43 Attendees "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

gold coast closing ceremony

Commonwealth Games Chairman Peter Beattie has spoken to each of the eighteen families who attended last nights closing ceremony, apologising for the sub-standard event.

The attendees included forty-two sponsors and a guy named Robert.

I spoke to Robert today, Mr Beattie confirmed. I thanked him for coming to the ceremony, in particular the first twenty minutes before he left.

The closing ceremony was beamed to a potential global television audience of 1.5 billion and an actual television audience of 583.

By Daniel Brewster

09:18

PT Sniggers At Conflicting Advice Offered By Clients Dietician, Physiotherapist And GP "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local personal trainer has today confirmed that he is happy to offer his clients a raft of advice on a number of topics on which he is wildly unqualified on. The employee, and Cert IV qualified personal trainer at Legends Gym in Betoota Flightpath District told The Advocate []

The post PT Sniggers At Conflicting Advice Offered By Clients Dietician, Physiotherapist And GP appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:13

Jacob Rees-Mogg gave up being anti-immigration for a day and his followers response was gold "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Jacob Rees-Mogg put aside his anti-immigration views for one day only! when he shared an editorial written by his father on the 50th anniversary of Enoch Powells infamous Rivers of Blood speech.

His father, William Rees-Mogg, wrote in the Times that the speech was shameful disgraceful [and] calculated to inflame hatred between the races.

Such views came as a bit of a shock to the Tory MPs followers on Twitter. Heres just a flavour, as highlighted by @jimmfelton on Twitter.

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07:27

Local Film-Based Photographer Stares Down Nose At The DSLR Peasants "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Theres just no artistry in digital photography, he said. Its so vapid and disposable. Technology is the greatest killer of creativity, you must confine yourself limit your palate and make it a fight, Thats where the best art comes from. Youd be forgiven for thinking that perhaps Ernest Pinochet-Kong has inhaled too []

The post Local Film-Based Photographer Stares Down Nose At The DSLR Peasants appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:02

Filipino Neighbours Still Havent Cracked Open The Couches "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Filipino-Australian family in Betootas Hot Bread District have yet to find a celebration big enough to sit down on the good couches. Even after several engagements, a marriage and several grandkids in their family, Rosamie and Arvin Torres (59, 58) still havent invited anyone into the plastic-coated living room in their []

The post Filipino Neighbours Still Havent Cracked Open The Couches appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:53

Dutton Spotted At Brisbane Airport Keeping Count Of Departing African Athletes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Minister of Home Affairs Peter Dutton has spent the last five hours at the departure gate of Brisbane international, signing off African Commonwealth Games athletes. This comes after the hysteria surrounding news that up to eight Cameroonian nationals had disappeared from athletes village, in an attempt to avoid returning home. Dutton says that []

The post Dutton Spotted At Brisbane Airport Keeping Count Of Departing African Athletes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:30

Im Not Out For Revenge Says Abbott In An Attempt To Mislead Public "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The former Prime Minister has told reporters today in the bush capital that hes not out to depose Malcolm Turnbull as leader. Tony Abbott, who famously lost the job to the more popular merchant banker in 2015, made the statement with his left hand cocked behind his back with []

The post Im Not Out For Revenge Says Abbott In An Attempt To Mislead Public appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:57

UberData Service Now Delivering Emails To People With NBN "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

 LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT A new service has been rolled out by delivery giant Uber this week. Uber will now be delivering emails and other important data to customers of the Australian governments NBN service, using print-outs, CDRs and DVDrs for those wanting to watch Netflix. The groundbreaking service, called UberData, will be easily accessed []

The post UberData Service Now Delivering Emails To People With NBN appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:13

Overseas Audiences Sickened As Closing Ceremony Pays Homage To The Australian Bush Doof "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Comm Games closing ceremony pays homage to the great Australian Bush Doof The 2018 Commonwealth Games went out in spectacular fashion this evening, with the official closing ceremony paying homage to the rich Australian bush doof culture. In an awe-inspiring aural and visual display, athletes from around the world were invited into the []

The post Overseas Audiences Sickened As Closing Ceremony Pays Homage To The Australian Bush Doof appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

As new leader resigns, UKIP to try a leadership system of unelected bureaucrats "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

UKIPs new leader, Gerard Batten, has taken a firm and decisive grip over the party that has seen more changes than Jo Marneys views on people a different skin colour to her, by announcing his resignation. This move has led the party to make the decision to move to a different system of leadership, one that relies on unelected bureaucrats to keep things going while everyone else has a go at winning leadership contests and stepping down.

Ill be giving up the leadership, scandal permitting, in one year, Mr Batten said, but not before I put the running of the party into the hands of some overpaid pen-pushers. Im not sure how itll go down, but we in UKIP are known for embracing change.

The overall response has been fairly positive, with one supporter saying: I dont know why we didnt think about this before. With all the politics around each of the different branches of the party, it kinda makes sense to have a few unelected people at the top making all the decisions. Sounds like the perfect model of governance if you ask me.

Not everyone in the party is so keen. One group has splintered off to create the UK Independence Party Independence Party. UKIPIPs leader explained that the appointment of unelected bureaucrats was only one of a myriad of issues they would be campaigning against. Being part of a party with many branches is troubling to us, he said. For example, we had someone join our Essex branch from the Doncaster branch. Dont get me wrong, some of my best friends are northerners, but there are just too many in Essex. Weve been pulled into ever-closer union when originally we only joined to be part of a free racism trading area.

Despite the splinter group, Mr Batten remained optimistic while acknowledging fears within the ranks. He explained, I know some people struggle when we do what is right for the party, as opposed to what is far-right, but they can rest assured that this decision is politically correct, before realising, Ah, maybe thats the problem.

James Pluside

00:27

Commonwealth Games Athletes From Melbourne Seek Asylum On The Gold Coast "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Officials from the Australian Commonwealth Games team have confirmed that 25 athletes from Melbourne have gone missing from the games village and are believed to be seeking asylum on the Gold Coast.

Please dont send me back home, I cant face another winter of cold blowy weather, said shot putter Perce Bluestone from a secret hiding place somewhere in Surfers Paradise. The baristas here all serve you with a smile and dont give a hoot if you want to put a couple of spoonfuls of sugar in with your flat white.

I came up here once before for schoolies but we were kept securely behind a chain link fence and there was no hope of escape, said netballer Faye Hookturn. For the first time in my life my vitamin D levels are up within the normal range. You have no idea how liberating it feels to not have to go around pretending to like indie bands and squishy wine bars.

Queensland immigration officials say that although the missing athletes may find sanctuary within the expatriate Victorian community it should be relatively easy to find them again.

Well be on the lookout for sunbathers with tell tale red burn marks on their skin, said Queensland Border Force...

00:19

Hard Drive History: The Unknown Story Behind Luigis Mansion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hard Drive Historys debut episode takes a deep dive into the story behind the hit GameCube game Luigis Mansion and its rocky start as Marios Sex Party.

Video by Peter Kemme @pjkemme

Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the internet. Follow us on Facebook to keep up.

The post Hard Drive History: The Unknown Story Behind Luigis Mansion
appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:07

Alex Jones Crybaby Tears disgust audience! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fans agree: Alex Jones has gone down the wrong path in life

INTERNET Psychiatrist to Alex Jones, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, announced that Alex Jones pot habit has turned the Alternative Talk Radio Host into what he described as an emotional child.

He used to be sharp eyed for all the inconsistencies in 9/11, but nowadays he has to kiss the Saudis feet and thank them for it.

Everyones seen Alex Jones smoking weed on Joe Rogan, and behind that there is certainly a deeper, even hardcore addiction. The marijuana has him feeling so sympathetic to the Syrian Gasser. Well, whatever one believes, crying like that on air is a total buzzkill, man.

Internet Chronicle infiltrators in the InfoWars staff say that Alex Jones is not being allowed to speak out about everything he knows, and might have been threatened recently by the Deep State, or even replaced with a simulation. I dont know why hes crying like this, but its embarrassing everyone. Its not him.

Something really is up with him, said Prenter Huddleston, audio intern, And it aint just the pot. It aint just the government taking his kids cause hes doped up all the goddamn time. Its the Russians and the Americans, working together to take over the world. Hes guilty for bringing about the New World Order. He knows that Syria is a fake war designed to drive refugee immigration. He knows that ultimately these missile exercises are just so that American forces, combined with Russians, will achieve global nuclear superiority. And for the first time in his life, he cant say the truth. All he can do is cry. Its ruining Alex. He used to be sharp eyed for all the inconsistencies in 9/11, but nowadays he has to kiss the Saudis feet and thank them for it.

Tactical Strategist Ian Krank confirmed the leaks, telling reporters, My God, My God. We have the US engaging in offensive exercises, warning Russians ahead of time, and we are supposed to believe that this is all because of chemical weapons? That these weapons can have any kind of meaningful impact? If there were chemical weapons it was surely the Americans and the Russians working together to stage them, so they can keep testing. It has nothing to do with Syria at all.

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16:58

Stormy says three-legged donkey involved "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Stormy Daniels has revealed Donald Trump brought a donkey to her Las Vegas hotel room 10 years ago for a fun threesome. "Man that was one ugly ass, and the critter didn't look too good neither 'coz he was missing one leg ya'll". Daniels continued, "Y...

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Friday, 13 April

16:09

Man Rejects Mark Zuckerberg Facebook 'Friend Request' "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was further drama in the Facebook - Cambridge Analytica - Mark Zuckerberg controversy this evening, when a writer on satirical news website TheSpoof.com received a 'Friend Request' from the aforementioned Zuckerberg - and rejected it. The wr...

Thursday, 29 March

19:29

Happy Couple Embarrassed to Admit They Met Offline "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sickeningly-sweet New York City couple, Jason Morley and Carolyn Shea, recently and reluctantly revealed to their friends that they met offline, rather than through an online dating site. We actually met waiting in line at a coffee shop, sa...

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