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Friday, 24 November

23:15

Best Buy Posts Record-High Deaths During Black Friday Sales; Best Weve Ever Done Says CEO "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

bfriday

DELUTH, Mississippi  

Best Buy Inc., the nations largest electronics retailer that hasnt yet succumbed to Amazon, posted record high deaths during their annual Black Friday sales this morning. CEO Mark Chambers noted that in all of the companys 1200 stores, there was at least one death, with several stores having multiple people die during the event.

The Austin, Texas store, which came in last place in 2016 with only 1 death, skyrocketed to first place this year, said Chambers. Store 2118  right in downtown Austin had a staggering 23 deaths this year, and we couldnt be more proud. They had 13 people trampled, 6 were shot, 3 had heart attacks, and 1 was stabbed in the neck for the last blu-ray copy of Wonder Woman. It is truly an amazing feat.

Walmart also posted high numbers of deaths and injuries this year, although they were down from 2016, where the company saw 1,884 deaths, including 28 employees.

Employee death is something we have yet to achieve, but we think well get there, said Chambers. Walmart really knows how to get things done. Were learning a lot from them.

22:51

We really, really hope someone took this guy up on his offer "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This is from @ironshackle on Twitter and its just perfect.

And in close-up.

He certainly wasnt short of replies.

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22:33

When you go to a Steps gig and its so good you carry on in the car park "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Extraordinary scenes in a car park in Leeds after a Steps concert was so good they decided to carry on without them.

It was either the best or the worst thing you could imagine, depending on your take on Steps. Obviously.

For every one of these.

There was one of these.

And for everyone of these.

One of these.

Our philosophy is have a good time, all of the time. Even if it means listening to Steps.

...

22:29

Frightened Bushie Panics And Orders Fish And Chips At Chinese Restaurant "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Country boy Kelvin Lieschke (22) has shown his true colours. During a friendly dinner at a Chinese restaurant, Lieschke became overwhelmed by the unfamiliar menu items and opted for the Lucky Dragon fish and chips. It was on the menu so I ordered it. Whats hard to understand about that? It is []

The post Frightened Bushie Panics And Orders Fish And Chips At Chinese Restaurant appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

22:17

Looking forward to Kill Bill 3 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Uma Thurman has issued her latest statement in response to the flood of sexual assault allegations coming out of Hollywood and elsewhere.

And this was her speaking earlier this month.

Source

The post Looking forward to Kill Bill 3 appeared first on The Poke.

22:17

Hugger Beats Handshaker To Greeting "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In what was a dramatic race, it has since been confirmed the hugger beat the handshaker to the greeting, in a meeting between two people who only kind of know each other. While both sides showed promise early on, the outstretched arms of hugger Lauren Smith, trumped the tentative centred hand of []

The post Hugger Beats Handshaker To Greeting appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

22:09

Millennial Parents Prepare Their Future Politicians With Allegation-Free Body Bubbles "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In the wake of the #MeToo environment that society now finds itself, many progressive parents are opting to spare their potential politicians from a lifetime of needless allegations. Its safe, its easy, and its guaranteed to keep your future leader scandal free, or your money back! In a world where any touch can be perceived as a bad one, even decades

22:08

Local Woman Survives Family Event With Series Of Trips To Bathroom To Look At Phone "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT What was meant to be a fun event for anyone over 30 has turned into a nightmare for Michelle Handley (29) who managed to survive the family BBQ by pretending to go to the toilet in order to check her phone. The BBQ in question was Handleys first family event since splitting []

The post Local Woman Survives Family Event With Series Of Trips To Bathroom To Look At Phone appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

21:54

On A Scale Of 1 To Mark Latham How Much Did You Change After Losing Your Job? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT While losing your job can be difficult, sometimes its the avenue you need to reinvent yourself. For example, former Labor leader and talking battered sav Mark Latham took his end in career politics as an opportunity to make life better for himself and worse for every Australian with access to the internet. []

The post On A Scale Of 1 To Mark Latham How Much Did You Change After Losing Your Job? appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

20:32

Piers Morgan is rowing with Olly Murs about causing Twitter panics and it feels very 2017 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Piers Morgan and Olly Murs are having a right set-to after the singer tweeted about tonights incident in central London which thankfully proved to be a false alarm.

Tweets like these, for instance.

Except there were no gunshots and there was no terror attack, which is when Morgan got involved and it all got a bit lively.

19:03

Daily Mail offers a reminder why you should always check tweets before sharing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Reporting the on-going incident in Oxford Circus, the Daily Mails breaking news reported a tweet about a lorry crash from 10 days ago.

1.

Heres the news story

Its breaking news alert.

And the tweet (from 14 November).

2.

...

18:04

The only good thing to come out of Black Friday "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

was this tweet accidentally sent out by some high street burger chain.

Someones burgered that.

Some people thought it might have been deliberate so mugs like would write about it. Yeah, right!

...

17:54

11 favourite ways the nation gave two fingers to Black Friday "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Excited about Black Friday? No, this lot werent either. Here are some lovely examples of the nations response to Black Friday being brilliantly British.

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17:30

Frontman Introduces Members of Band as If Anyone Is Listening "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NEW YORK Marshal Everly, the frontman of local folk-punk quartet The Lagers, introduced the members of his band to the audience during their set last night as if anyone was even listening, sources indicate.

Honestly, theres nothing I care less about than the bass player of the opening band, said audience member Les Williamson. I dont even want to know the names of the guys in the band I came to see. Just play your songs, or dont Im just trying to order some drinks right now. That place was super echoey, too, so you couldnt understand them anyway.

Several suspected the introductions were a stall tactic to help The Lagers fill 45 minutes.

They opened with a Mumford and Sons cover, then after four original songs, they covered that same song again but with an extra guitar player, who got his own special introduction, said bartender Ashley Moffet, who confirmed the band closed with that same cover again. I was actually nervous they might do an encore which, I can only assume, would be that same Mumford and Sons song with another set of intros, right?

However, two audience members, a couple considerably older than all other attendees, were particularly excited about the introductions.

Related:

I dont know if I really like the music, but I loved hearing my sons name on stage. Its like hes a real rock star, said one of the couple, choosing to remain anonymous before adding, We love you, Bradley! Keep rocking out, son.

Not every band member was comfortable with Everlys passionate introductions.

Its just dumb. No one cares about the intros hes an idiot. This is a guy who maintains his own Wikipedia page because it makes him more legitimate, said drummer Kyle Farmstead. Also, even if I was hypothetically on board with the introductions after the first song which Im not It sure wasnt necessary to do it again during the last song.

Following...

16:00

Saying Espresso with an X wont damage your health "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Scientist have confirmed that mispronouncing up to three cups of artisan coffee a day, has no noticeable impact on your health but it will make you look like a bit of a d$ck. Likewise calling Quinoa kee-NO-ah will not make you ill, yet could still result in a severe tutting.
Previously it was thought that a coffee faux pas could have serious repercussions for your prestige and house prices in the local area. Despite this, moderate hot beverage pretension is safe, but should only be done in the presence of a qualified barista or someone who actually gives a sh$t.
Explained one scientist: We gave white rats cups of tea, but they only lived for 2-3 years. But when we gave a human coffee, their life expectancy reached 60-70 years. Coffee clearly has many important health qualities; but as a doctor I have to advise against ordering a grande, half-sweet, decaf, caramel macchiato with soy milk as it sounds stupid.
Coffee snobs will be pleased to know that serving a latte with insufficient froth still carries a custodial sentence in parts of the UK. Remarked one researcher: People who spend an eternity ordering the perfect coffee dont live longer. It just feel like that.

15:31

When your friends want you to go out but all you want to do is go home and watch telly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just a bloke wearing a dogs mask desperately battling the attentions of a bunch of dogs who think hes a dog.

Because hes wearing a dogs mask.

Trying to imagine what those kids on the left of the picture make of it. Come to think of it, what the hell are they doing there in the first place?

Answers in the comments section, please

Source

The post When your friends want you to go out but all you want to do is go home and watch telly appeared first on The Poke.

15:15

25 examples of why you will never own such weird stuff as your parents "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Some of these will have you saying, Yes, my parents own that too. But most of them will have you saying: WTF?

So here was the question.

And here are our favourite answers (share your pictures in the comments and well do another post)

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15:04

Enjoy reading all the bad sex award literature quotes from 2005 to now phew its HOT stuff "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With the Bad Sex Literature awards on we thought youd enjoy reading some of the previous winners.

Our fave is still Giles Coren. The image is stuck in our mind forever.

2005: Giles Coren, Winkler

And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing hed ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.

2006: Iain Hollingshead, Twenty Something

a commotion of grunts and squeaks, flashing unconnected images and explosions of a million little particles.

2007: Norman Mailer, The Castle in the Forest

Then she was on him. She did not know if this would resuscitate him or end him, but the same spite, sharp as a needle, that had come to her after Fannis death was in her again. Fanni had told her once what to do. So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before. The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. It surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again!

2008: Rachel Johnson, Shire Hell

Male protagonists light fingers to a moth caught inside a lampshade and his tongue to a cat lapping up a dish of cream so as not to miss a single drop

2009: Jonathan Littell, The Kindly Ones

I came suddenly, a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the insid...

14:46

Best white van youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

READ MORE

6 businesses ruined by vans with sliding doors

Source

The post Best white van youll see this week appeared first on The Poke.

14:30

Church of Jerry Garcia Reluctantly Transitions to Church of John Mayer "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MENDOCINO, Calif. Devout disciples of Jerry Garcia have begun a gradual, reluctant transition from worshipping the original Grateful Dead band leader to following his successor, singer/songwriter John Mayer, sources within the groups compound confirmed.

The Deadhead members of the Church of Unlimited Devotion have offered tepid support of their new deity.

Weve known this day was coming for a while, said de-facto ChUD leader Benny Goode. Some people are pretty upset, but, hey I dont make the rules, Goode added of the worship group he co-founded.

Lead ChUD scholar Randy McGowan has spent weeks poring over Mayers catalogue, seeking to formulate new teachings. This isnt going to be easy, he said. There are lots of lyrics about breaking up with your old lady, but not much else. It seems like this guys life has been pretty cool.

In addition to Mayers eight studio albums, McGowan is also examining tens of minutes of Mayers stand-up comedy.

I hoped [his comedy] could lead to a good sermon, McGowan admitted. But its pretty weak stuff all it teaches is the power of unfounded confidence. His Twitter feed will occasionally have something funny, but its mostly duds.

Other congregants were open about their reservations.

Related:

Imagine if your god was replaced by John Mayer, said Joseph Hinton, known within the church as Mosquito Joe. Its a very real possibility that my god will try to fuck my girlfriend which I guess happens in a lot of other cults, to be fair.

Goode maintained, however, that common ground could be found. For all their differences, Deadheads and John Mayer fans all put on their cargo shorts one leg at a time, he said. Weve probably got more in common with John Mayer fans than you think. For starters, weve all got rich parents. Who do you think paid for all these dry erase boards?

Despite the concerns, the churchs clergy are looking to the future. We will weather this storm, Goode said. As it is written, Live now with purpose, and you will be rewarded in Wonderland.

...

14:00

Dont Judge Me Based on My Punchable Face, Judge Me Based on My Punchable Personality "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Judgments based on sight alone are detrimental to our society. I am personally persecuted on a daily basis all because of my extremely punchable face. Thats not fair. People should judge me based on my extremely punchable personality.

There are LOTS of reasons to want to hate me. My face is the least legitimate one. So what if I have a permanent smirk and my eyebrows are always raised as if to say, What gives you the right to talk to me? Thats not a reason to hate someone. You can hate me, however, based on the fact that I just asked you, What gives you the right to talk to me?

That would be fair.

Whats not fair is you thinking Im an asshole because I look like an 80s teen movie villain whose rich father is going to shut down your youth center. You should think Im an asshole because my rich father is going to shut down your youth center.

Dont base your judgments on looks. Hate me for me.

Who is the more hateable person? A guy who looks like he sells fake weed, or a guy who actually sells fake weed? Because theyre both me.

I was in a bar this one time, drunkenly yelling over people, and this guy said I looked like a deadbeat stepdad. Way to be prejudice, dude. My kids stepdad is amazing.

A hero of mine once said, I dream we can someday live in a world where people are judged based on their actions rather than their outside appearance. I hope to live in that world too, Mr. Shkreli. And someday we will.

Article by Eric Navarro @erictries2hard

Buy our shirts!:

13:54

This Tom Baker voiceover recording is brilliant Toast of London, but better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Is it possible to love Tom Baker any more? It is now, after hearing this glorious 7-minute outtake of the great man recording the voiceover for an advert.

Any resemblance to Matt Berrys Toast of London is, well, see you for yourself.

Its an advert for a furniture company called Symphony (if you can find the finished product, do share). This is our favourite bit we think.

Symphony for monkey shaggers.

We love you Tom.

13:20

Every episode of Blue Planet II in 7 tweets "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres every episode of Blue Planet II, distilled into 7 tweets.

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13:00

Daily Mail to go 100% made-up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Deconstructed toilet roll, popular with xenophobes, homophobes, racists and bigots alike, The Daily Mail has announced that from next Mondays print run that it will go 100% made-up, bringing to an end its longstanding run of just being 99.999999999998% fictitious.

A spokesman for single-ply shiny tabloid, pretending to be a journalist said: We thought it was about time to make this move. Its been long overdue to be honest and our readership was crying out for it. So as from next week the day and date, currently the only factual information printed in each edition, will become totally random thus making everything in the paper, without exception, 100% made-up. We are launching with a special collectors edition when the date were printing will be Stardate 41153.7.

Reports that the Mails masthead will change from its traditional Royal Coat of Arms to a gay Muslim dole-scrounger being savaged by a British Bulldog are yet to be confirmed.

Chipchase

 

12:53

The Black Friday rush that will make you proud to be British "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Get ready everyone. Open the doors and go!

Rarely has a clip of someone walking into a shop made so many people proud to be British.

And in case you were wondering

12:00

Nintendo Gearing up for Holiday Season by Destroying Any Remaining Stock "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

KYOTO, Japan  Nintendo is preparing for the upcoming holiday season by making sure every remaining game and console are destroyed, with its critically lauded Switch console sure to be on many Christmas lists this year, as well as acclaimed releases Breath of the Wild and Super Mario Odyssey, according to close sources.

Christmas is probably the most important time of year for us to keep our incredibly fun products from the millions who want to buy them, said Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto, shoveling a fresh load of Switches into the flames.  It just wouldnt make much sense for us to not throw them all into this big wood burning stove.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

A number of fans believe the company is simply manufacturing less units to create a false supply and demand, but Nintendo of America President Reggie Fils-Aime claimed otherwise.

That notion is bullshit, he said. Sorry, I dont usually swear. Im just so jacked up from crushing the last copies of Splatoon 2 with my car. To say we dont make enough Switches is absurd, considering how many I shot down at the firing range last week. I promise we are doing EVERYTHING in our power to guarantee fans are sad.

Fils-Aime pledged to make amends for recent missteps Nintendo has made in the marketing and selling of their highly sought after produ...

11:33

When you realise Donald Trump respects turkeys more than women "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump at Thanksgiving.

And here he is in action.

11:05

Youve not had a Sunday lunch as weird as this Daily Mail readers letter "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well have what theyre having.

Except it wasnt the corks that stuck in some peoples minds.

11:00

Churchill to take up role as new press watchdog "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

small print on page 34 will probably show you didn't have adequate coverAfter a decade and a half of advising people on their car insurance, the famous talking dog Churchill is to take up the hotly-debated role of independent press watchdog advocated by Lord Justice Levesons report on press standards.

It is important that this new regulatory body is independent of newspapers and the government, and is headed by a figure who commands public respect. Churchill meets both these criteria, said Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, today. I met him this morning to ask whether he supported a tougher form of self-regulation of the press with a robust statutory underpinning, and he nodded his head and said Oooh yes.

In his new role as press watchdog Churchill will be able to investigate complaints, impose fines and demand corrections or apologies. It is understood he will be supported by Martin Clunes who will take day-to-day responsibility for examining complaints about the conduct of the press, with Churchill overseeing the operation of the regulatory body while riding a lawnmower up and down in the background.

A series of adverts to explain the complexities of the new regulatory system has been welcomed by the press. In the first a newspaper editor asks, Oi, Churchill! Can you save me money on my legal bills by advising me not to hack the phones of murdered schoolgirls?, to which the popular dog nods his head and replies, Oooh yes. In the second he is asked by Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson, Can you get us off our charges of perverting the course of justice?, leading Churchill to shake his head ruefully and say Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

However, Russian newspaper magnate Alexander Lebedev has complained that Churchill may not be the right person for the job. Meerkats could perform the role just as well and for a lower monthy premium, he said. Just check out CompareTheWatchdog.com. Its simples.

10:46

Have you seen a cartoon that better nails Brexit? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We havent.

Bravo, Bruce MacKinnon.

Except it turns out theres more than one way you can read it, if you really want to.

10:42

11 most BRITISH tweets about Black Friday "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Black Monday, imported from the States to sell tat we dont want at prices that are totally made up, we are proud to report that British people are giving it the mockery it deserves.

Heres 11 of the best take it away BRITONS!

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@AndyGilder

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......

09:34

Man limbers up for 2 months bullshitting about Ashes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A Retford man was said to be as ready as he could be for the forthcoming Ashes series, despite having a very limited grasp about even quite basic cricketing concepts, it was confirmed today.
Peter McBride, 48, is said to have prepared even more diligently for this series than the previous 20 that he has lived through in his adult life, having read at least one preview article in the Metro on the way to work this morning, as well as liking on Facebook a continuously looping clip of Mike Gattings jaw dropping as Shane Warne spins his first delivery past him in 1993.
The Ashes is a one-off, isnt it, and I think its everyones responsibility to understand the history and classic moments of this epic rivalry, announced McBride rather tentatively to office mates, having never played cricket in his life. Who can forget Headingley in 1981, Botham buying ice creams for everyone from the van in the ground, Freeman Hardy and Willis all steaming in from the Kirkstall Lane end. Brings out the goosebumps just thinking about it, doesnt it?
David Gower in 1991 wafting at that big tiger moth outside his off stump the insects were awful in Queensland that summer, werent they?, continued McBride, filling up his bottle at the water cooler. Geoff Boycotts thousandth hundred in 1977, or was it his hundredth thousand? I cant remember. Spine-tingling stuff. For this series, in the field, its got to be Root at gully, Joseph Cotton for Third Man, and Good King Wenceslas in the Deep Mid-Winter.
Anyone who doesnt have Test Card Special on pretty much continuously in the background until January needs to take a long hard look at themselves, argued McBride. Aggers, Cheggers, Chequers and Chess, cant wait to hear all the gang again. I mean who can forget that classic commentary when when Michael Jerking was opening the batting and Dino Zoff was running in, and Johnners commentated that the batsmans Jerking, the bowlers Zoff. Classic stuff.

09:26

Funny story about a girl irritating by her brother ruining Thanksgiving with his obsession with the philosopher Foucault "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Loving this of an older sister sick to death of her younger brother and how hes using his new found love of philosophy to break the social rules at home.

Me [19 F] with my brother [16M] of 16 years and my parents 50s M/F, how to keep teen
angst from ruining Thanksgiving

Im 19F, my brother is 16M and my mom and dad are 50s m/f.

Ive been home from college since last weekend and I already feel like Im gonna go crazy. My little brother (Ill call him Jordan) is 16, and hes the only one of us (me, my older brother Skyler, and him) to get into egotistical teen rebellion stuff so I guess my parents just dont know how to handle it. Like when he was 14, Jordan decided to dye his hair blue, then last year it was all about this punk band he and his friends had.

Lately his thing is he wont shut up about some philosopher guy. Literally on Monday night, my mom asked how school was and he just goes isnt it funny how schools resemble factories which resemble prisons? and Im like huh and Jordan just goes Michel Foucault, Discipline and Punish, 1975 and Im still like huh? And my mom just changes the subject. This is like normal for him, but he uses this philosopher guy to justify EVERYTHING and I mean breaking all of my parents rules that we ALL GREW UP WITH. Like neither me or my older brother were allowed to have an opposite sex friend in our room with the door closed, and Jordan has the same rule. But Sunday night, Jordan has his girlfriend over with the door closed and when mom and dad knocked and told him he had to keep the door open, and instead of just following the damn rules Jordans girlfriend starts going on about how the assumption that they arent trusted alone together is part of the bourgeois impulse to discuss sex like its a fragile and important treasure.

Somehow this means that Jordan and his girlfriend can hang out with the door closed now because nobody wants to argue with this crap. Which was fine but I dont want him ruining Thanksgiving with this crap, because in addition to all the other dumb stuff Jordan has this thing against doctors, and our oldest brother Skyler (26M) is flying in TODAY after finishing his first psychiatry rotation....

05:50

Piss Cutting Legend At European Hostel Cant Even Remember Budapest "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Hostel room bars and common areas are often places where young folk can meet interesting people from different countries and walks of life. However, they are also often the scene of some horrendous chat. The hostel legend or self-described lewse goose is a culprit often responsible for nauseating self-indulged []

The post Piss Cutting Legend At European Hostel Cant Even Remember Budapest appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:32

American Asks Whos Winning The Cricket "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An American woman named Kelly Jersey put her lack of cricketing knowledge on full display today, asking whether Australia was winning the cricket. The young foreign student from Boston, who is working part-time at an office in Betoota, plodded into the break room and asked: Hey budy, are we winning or what? The friendly young []

The post American Asks Whos Winning The Cricket appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:15

Turkey Pardons Donald Trump At Thanksgiving. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In an unusual turnaround at the annual Turkey Pardoning festivity at the White House the turkey itself made a speech. The 48 pound white turkey Drumstick unexpectedly hopped up to the mike, cleared his throat and said "Thank you, Mr. President fo...

02:39

Law Clerk Repeatedly Pressured Into Joining Firms Lunch Time Mixed Netball Competition "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Why did I do law? Why didnt I do something I enjoy? The answer to that is local law clerk Louise Degally didnt want to die poor. But after taking a clerkship with one of Betootas big six law firms, it seems that not even all the riches in town are enough to buy her []

The post Law Clerk Repeatedly Pressured Into Joining Firms Lunch Time Mixed Netball Competition appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Man limbers up for 2 months bullshitting about Ashes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A Retford man was said to be as ready as he could be for the forthcoming Ashes series, despite having a very limited grasp about even quite basic cricketing concepts, it was confirmed today.

Peter McBride, 48, is said to have prepared even more diligently for this series than the previous 20 that he has lived through in his adult life, having read at least one preview article in the Metro on the way to work this morning, as well as liking on Facebook a continuously looping clip of Mike Gattings jaw dropping as Shane Warne spins his first delivery past him in 1993.

The Ashes is a one-off, isnt it, and I think its everyones responsibility to understand the history and classic moments of this epic rivalry, announced McBride rather tentatively to office mates, having never played cricket in his life. Who can forget Headingley in 1981, Botham buying ice creams for everyone from the van in the ground, Freeman Hardy and Willis all steaming in from the Kirkstall Lane end. Brings out the goosebumps just thinking about it, doesnt it?

David Gower in 1991 wafting at that big tiger moth outside his off stump the insects were awful in Queensland that summer, werent they?, continued McBride, filling up his bottle at the water cooler. Geoff Boycotts thousandth hundred in 1977, or was it his hundredth thousand? I cant remember. Spine-tingling stuff. For this series, in the field, its got to be Root at gully, Joseph Cotton for Third Man, and Good King Wenceslas in the Deep Mid-Winter.

Anyone who doesnt have Test Card Special on pretty much continuously in the background until January needs to take a long hard look at themselves, argued McBride. Aggers, Cheggers, Chequers and Chess, cant wait to hear all the gang again. I mean who can forget that classic commentary when when Michael Jerking was opening the batting and Dino Zoff was running in, and Johnners commentated that the batsmans Jerking, the bowlers Zoff. Classic stuff.

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Thursday, 23 November

22:26

Zimbabweans Demand Nation Be Renamed Something Beginning With The Letter A "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tired of always being the last country to march into the stadium at the Olympics, the people of Zimbabwe have taken to the streets after the deposing of Robert Mugabe demanding the new government change the name of the nation to something starting with A.

Were sick and tired of having sit up in the nosebleed section at the United Nations and we always get the dodgy desk from the back of the store room at conferences because theyve invariably run out of good ones by the time they get to us, complained Punctuality Olonga as he danced amongst crowds in the streets following the news that the 37 year rule of Mugabe was over. It was nice to honour the civilisation of Great Zimbabwe and were rightly proud of all that but I reckon those guys didnt even use a proto-Sinaitic based Greco-Phoenician alphabet so why we need to start the everything with a Z beats me.

I reckon we could change it to something like Aardvarkia or AAAZimbabwe like a plumber trying to get his name up the front of the phone book, said Generous Masakadza as she fired celebratory bullets into the air amid the cheering throng. Ive got nothing against Zambians but we always get to the dessert buffet after them and they inevitably take the last butterfly cake.

The incoming President Emmerson Mnangagwa has vowed to restore democracy, turn around the economy and get to work on looking for a new n...

22:21

The responses to this tweet about hotel room numbers were historically funny "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well thats fortunate.

Cue lots of this sort of stuff.

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22:05

If you read only one Donald Trump transcript this week, read this one "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump thinks the US air force has got an invisible fighter plane. Not just invisible on radar. REALLY invisible.

Like the rubbish invisible plane in Wonder Woman or the rubbish invisible car in Die Another Day.

Heres Trump talking to the US coast guard today.

And a genuine transcript of what he said.

Oh, and that invisible plane hes talking about. Yep, barely visible.

READ MORE

Donald Trump interviews are even scarier when you read the transcript

Source

The post...

17:30

Punk Mom Finally Putting out Previously Unreleased Thanksgiving Sides "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

EVANSTON, Ill. Punk mother Danica Friedman announced she would be distributing a compilation of previously unreleased, rarely tasted Thanksgiving sides this year, family sources confirmed.

Reaction has been overwhelmingly positive, as many of these sides had long been mere rumors and legend.

Holy shit were actually getting a taste of this stuff! 17-year-old son Alexander Friedman said. I mean, Ive been my moms son all my life, and even Ive never experienced her glazed yams with marshmallows. Apparently she only made it a couple of times, like, 20 years ago.

Friedmans husband, Garrett, echoed his sons excitement.

This is such a triumphant moment for fans of her cooking like me, who have stuck with Danica through the good times and the bad, said Mr. Friedman. Our first Thanksgiving together, she made this pumpkin cornbread that made me want to marry her on the spot. It took her 22 years to revisit the recipe she went through a strange experimental phase where she was really into tapioca pudding. But, its finally happening, and thats all that matters.

After a few years of rehashing Thanksgiving classics, Ms. Friedman wanted to revisit some lesser-known favorites.

I figured I would throw a bunch of my old sides together for the holiday just a cool little thing for my family, Ms. Friedman said. Theres been a hell of a lot of them over the years, too. It was fun going through the recipes again and remastering them. Honestly, Id totally forgot how to make the ham-and-green bean casserole.

The assortment allegedly includes favorites from special events outside of the holiday season.

Related:

Shes digging really deep into the archives, Mr. Friedman said in amazement, browsing the list of sides. I mean, the stuffing with sausage and sage in it? She made that one time for a random dinner with the Hendersons in, like, 2003. Thats gonna be a real nostalgia trip for me.

...

17:08

When youre accidentally invited to a birthday party and end up going anyway "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well heres a tale to warm your heart, as told by Lucas Velasquez on Twitter.

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And a whole heap of people ended up sending their birthday wishes.

16:47

Pie firm suffers northern backlash after epic gravy fail "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Hollands Pies the home of proper pies and puds showing off its proper northern credentials.

Except that gravy! Heres just a taste of the fury that followed.

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16:37

HIV Needles Are Being Placed on Gas Pump Handles Over 40 People Already Infected "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

gas

JACKSONVILLE, Florida  

Captain Abraham Sands of the Jacksonville, Florida Police Department released a statement cautioning people about a new, dangerous event that has been happening throughout the state.

I have been asked by state and local authorities to write this email in order to get the word out to car drivers of a very dangerous prank that is occurring in numerous states, said Sands. Some person or persons have been affixing hypodermic needles to the underside of gas pump handles. These needles appear to be infected with HIV positive blood. In the Jacksonville area alone there have been 17 cases of people being stuck by these needles over the past five months. We have verified reports of at least 12 others in various states around the country.

It is believed that these may be copycat incidents, as this crime has happened in the past, and was a popular prank in the early 1990s. At this point no one has been arrested, and police say catching the perpetrator or perpetrators has become a top priority.

Shockingly, of the 17 people who where stuck, eight have tested HIV positive and because of the nature of the disease, the others could test positive in a couple years, according to physicians, said Sands. If you do find a needle affixed to one, immediately contact your local police department so they can collect the evidence. It is IMPERATIVE that you check the handle of the pump before you grab it. It could save your life.

16:32

The FDA and CDC Just CONFIRMED That Vaccines Cause Autism "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

autism

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

Theres widespread and growing lack of confidence in the safety of vaccines. If you know anyone who still believes that vaccines cant cause autism, you might want to show them this article. Take a look at the DTaP vaccine insert:

dtap-autism-insert

These reports come directly from the FDA website, where they have had it posted for several years, although it was buried under a lot of links and other research that obscured the actual research.

This has been a problem for many, many years, and Im glad its finally coming to light, said Dr. Mario Garcia, who was one of the first to find the correlation between vaccines and autism. I was shut out for years from being able to talk about this, but now that others are finding out, I am very grateful. Please, do not vaccinate your children.

 

16:00

Readers Digest finally enters porn market "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The American publishing giant is to issue abridged versions of porn videos in the easy to digest format that is the companys hallmark.

Were aiming at the busy client who doesnt have time to watch the whole movie, explains RD executive Mark Sims. Market research has shown that 94 per cent of foreplay footage ends up never being watched. In fact, viewers admit to fast forwarding through anything that doesnt consist of close-up shots of palpitating genitals.

Mr Sims is confident of success. Having reduced a masterpiece like War and Peace to fifty pages, we should have no trouble trimming down works such as Lawrence of the Labia or Hedda Gobbler to their essentials without compromising artistic integrity.

15:39

Al Franken accused of touching himself inappropriately but not what you think! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington D.C. - Comet Pizza regular, Edray Uttbay, called our pervert hotline in our newsroom to report yet another sordid case of inappropriate touching. The perpetrator? Al Franken. The victim? Al Franken. Comet Pizza regular, Edray Uttbay,...

15:38

Someone counted who gets all the lines in Netflixs no mans land western, Godless "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Welcome to no mans land says the trailer for Netflixs new female western, Godless, set in a town mysteriously made up entirely of women.

Thats not the only mystery about the new show after @innesmck on Twitter kept a note during the pilot episode of the number of lines men had against the number of lines women had.

And this was the result.

Those workings in full.

For a town made up entirely of women, the men do a helluva lot of talking.

Some people suggested the trailer didnt suggest anything else, and that perceptions of it being a female western was purely down the viewer.

...

15:18

Cartoon of the week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Yep, pretty much nails it, by Peter Brookes in the Times.

Not everyone found it funny, however.

This is a good point too.

...

15:05

Tom Bakers wonderful answer when asked for his biggest Doctor Who memory "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its Doctor Who Day so what better time to remember this?

Not that were biased or anything because we grew up watching him or anything, but Tom Baker will always be the best doctor, obviously.

READ MORE

Read this fantastic day in the life of Tom Baker from the Sunday Times in 1978

Source

The post Tom Bakers wonderful answer when asked for his biggest Doctor Who memory appeared first on The Poke.

14:30

Mom Needs You to Sell Five Tickets to Thanksgiving If You Want to Eat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

THE SUBURBS Your mother left you a stern voicemail this morning, reminding you that if you want to participate in this weeks holiday festivities, youre going to have to bring some people, sources confirmed.

Look, a lot of people want to be part of this dinner, your mother said in the terse message. I got friends and neighbors calling me everyone is bugging me for a seat at that table. I only have so many spots, though, so we gotta do it this way. You might not like it, but you have to earn your spot this year, young man.

Featured guests at the Thanksgiving feast include your brother and his family making the drive down from New Jersey, who are slated for the best spot at the table, right next to the turkey. Your mothers message did clarify that there was room for one or two locals, however.

Im a little hesitant to book you, honestly, since you and Travis kind of bring the same thing to the table and Im trying to get some diversity on the lineup, she continued. But if you can bring a new girlfriend and her parents, we can definitely talk.

The message was merely the latest in a string of increasingly strict parameters your mother has set to earn holiday participation, you report. Earlier this year, you were seen handing out flyers for her Independence Day celebration, not long after she insisted you make a full Instagram story about her Memorial Day cookout.

Related:

With exposure to wealthy grandparents at its highest, spots at the family table for Thanksgiving feasts across the country have been increasingly difficult to book.

These holiday house venues are often small, sometimes only fitting 12 to 16 people if its an all ages dinner, said Thanksgiving dinner expert Henry Robson. These days, you cant just show up to your parents place with a pie you bought at a Stop and Shop. Youre going to have go all-out and prove you can bring something more.

Though demanding, the message allegedly ended with a change of heart.

OK, look: even if you dont sell the tickets, Im sure well ha...

13:00

Surgeons remove Young Persons Railcard from Chancellor "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Philip Hammonds attempt to woo young voters and train-spotters with his Budget, has resulted in several hours of intrusive rectal surgery. NHS doctors assured the Chancellor that having a railcard forcibly inserted will cause no lasting damage, but is unlikely to feature in The Adventures of Thomas the Tank Engine.

Disgruntled Millennials have been rather unimpressed by discount rail travel, to places they cannot afford to live or work. Compounded by the National Debt continuing to attract unwelcome digits, like an actress auditioning for Harvey Weinstein.

Explained one Minister; Weve given the young what they always wanted more access to Southern Rail. This is a budget that speaks to youth issues like tax breaks for fossil fuel exploration. Which 18-30 year old doesnt have their own gas or oil company?

With Growth down, GDP downgraded and a vulture perched on his shoulder, the Chancellor put a brave face on his sore bottom. A colleague said: Philip was going to offer young voters a free cuddly toy but the idea of it made his eyes water.

11:52

This sex-chat bot going wrong will make nerds giggle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sex-chat bots are a curse of the modern internet, HTML sirens luring men to certain death on digital rocks but this one is a bit broken.


Are you anywhere near null? writes deliteplays over on Reddit.

Whats going on here is the bot should be looking up where the person is from via the IP address and that code is failing.

Stupid bot. Stupid sexy bot.

Source: Reddit

The post This sex-chat bot going wrong will make nerds giggle appeared first on The Poke.

11:33

Donald Trump Jr probably should have read this article before he shared it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Donald Trump Jr telling his Twitter followers that his dad must be winning because even the Economist acknowledges he is doing a good job.

Except, er, it would appear Don Jr only bothered to read the headline rather than the whole article. Well done though, big guy. Practice makes perfect, right?

Here is the key passage.

[Donald Trumps] apparent economic success to date mostly reflects fortunate timing That will not stop him from taking the credit

And heres a bit more.

...

11:14

Woman updates driving licence and accidentally lists address as my dads house "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

as if Ive had to update my licence n accidently wrote my dads house on it !!! Why !!! So !!! Stupid !!!! notes @Evepaterson__ over on Twitter.

OOPS!

Source: Twitter/@evepaterson__

The post Woman updates driving licence and accidentally lists address as my dads house appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

Ancient cave graffiti confirms mans obsession with drawing moustaches on things "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

cavemen apparently loved knob gagsA medieval hunting forest in rural Essex has given up its secrets to a team of archaeologists this week after six caves, previously hidden for millennia by tree growth and fallen rock, unveiled an impressive collection of ancient drawings and hilarious graffiti.

The prehistoric doodles prove that man has enjoyed scribbling moustaches and novelty eye-patches on other peoples work for thousands of years.

One of the only remaining forests of its kind in the UK, the team of experts had initially arrived at the site with hopes of unearthing personal items left by King Henry VIII, who historians believe frequented the area throughout his 37-year reign.

We got more than we bargained for, said an excited Dr Tim Grogan from the National History Museum today. Forget Henry, some of these drawings are over 4000-years-old. In addition to the artwork, some of the writing discovered is forcing us to reconsider well-established beliefs on the origins of modern language, such as LOL and FFS. It appears these acronyms were popular well before the age of iPads and Facebook.

Dr Grogan continued: One drawing, that was intricately carved into limestone with some kind of primitive tool, appears to depict an unfortunate hunter named Gollof, throwing his spear at a large boar and wildly missing. A hastily drawn speech bubble hangs above his head and reads; FFS!. The scene is captioned with: fearless man hunter, Gollof. LOL, JK! Vegetarian! It seems this Gollof character could possibly be the earliest known victim of anonymous bullying.

Although the most exciting discovery of all, confirmed the team, was a cave that took three-days to dig out, and is now said to be the first art gallery in history. Prof. Denis Chadwick, who assisted with the dig, said: its beautiful. Each cave wall is adorned with cryptic symbols and eerie scenes of early hunters plying their trade in the woodland, frozen in time. Perhaps most interesting of all; each character carefully immortalised in the rock was defaced just a few years later with giant fake moustaches, large noses and crazy hair. Some of them had giant penises protruding from their foreheads. These additions, although probably unwelcome at the time, are the work of the worlds first graffiti artist.

Weve all done it, added Professor Chadwick. I remember writing Ned is gay in Tipp-ex on my desk during a Geography lesson back in about 1986. It may seem childish and offensive, but...

08:43

These fake brand Pringles keep getting better the longer you look at them "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Loving these fake Pringles that have gone massively viral on Twitter:

Lets zoom in:

And those details in full

* Prongles. Like Pringles but wrong

* Salt and Potato delicious!

* Once you pop thats great perfect tagline

* Original Prongles of course it is

* That rad pig on a skateboard reminds us of when The Simpsons did the joke about adding the cool new character Poochie to The Itchy & Scratchy Show.

But is this a real crap product?

Well its real in that you can buy it, but apparently its intentionally crap and a promo for Cards Against Humanity.

Damnit, we want to believe.

Source: Twitter/@katangus

The post These fake brand Pringles keep getting better the longer you look at them appeared first on The Poke.

08:11

Trombonist texted wife with voice recognitionwhile playing the trombone "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Meet Paul The Trombonist, he is, as his Twitter name suggests a trombonist, and he says I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognitionwhile playing the trombone.

If youre wondering how this is even possible then hes made a video to explain:

And heres the science bit

Its a recurrent neural network model thats doing it. Recurrent neural networks take in time-sequenced acoustic information and are able to produce an output (written language) on the basis of that input. These programs are sensitive to anything that sounds like human phonemes. Your smartphone just happens to be designed with these recurrent neural network models embedded into it. Thats how Siri (if youre an iphone user) can answer spoken questions, and how your phone can convert acoustic information into writing in general. says @Dbozz71.

Source: Twitter/@JazzTrombonist

The post Trombonist texted wife with voice recognitionwhile playing the trombone appeared first on The Poke.

07:04

PM Demands Kiwis And PNG Stop Conspiring To Solve Humanitarian Crisis Behind His Back "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has come out today and demanded that the leaders of Australias closest neighbours stop meddling behind his back to solve the situation on Manus Island, and allow things to continue not happening. Just cut it out he said. Weve got this. Its none of your business A part from []

The post PM Demands Kiwis And PNG Stop Conspiring To Solve Humanitarian Crisis Behind His Back appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:57

The Shovel Annual the Christmas gift thats even funnier than the Australian Government! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It was the year we said goodbye to Barack Obama and to Donald Trump. We lost 9* MPs to dual citizenship, and then realised that embarrassing! our own f*cking head of state was a British citizen all along! We were told by the Church that saying yes to same sex marriage would lead to men wearing dresses. And sure enough the Church is now full of men wearing dresses.

Yep, its been quite a year, and the 2017 Shovel Annual is the perfect memento. It includes:

  • A handy One Nation candidate application form (with almost all the words speled correctly)
  • Your FREE Peter Dutton face mask to scare the kids
  • The Malcopoly board game disappointment for the whole family!
  • The Governments expanded postal survey your opportunity to pass judgement on all sorts of other minority groups
  • A step-by-step guide to minimising your tax (brought to you by Chevron)
  • Our handy tips for saving up for a deposit on your first smashed avocado
  • The very best articles (and some of the shit ones) from The Shovel in 2017
  • PLUS you also get The Chaser Annual! A whole other raft of content from the slightly inferior, but still quite good satirical group The Chaser, conveniently attached to the very same book! Includes The Chaser Corps 2017 Annual Report.

Its the perfect Christmas present. Get your copy $24.95 inc shipping

Other Christmas gift ideas available at The Shovel include: Malcolm Turnbull tea towels, coffee mugs for annoying people, and charity greeting cards for politicians in need.

*correct at time of publication 

 

 

06:40

Former Jock Develops Overnight Interest In Books After Discovering Women Might Like Books "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Hey, Ive got a book for you. In just a matter of hours, Martin Fox has added a layer of complexity and depth to his personality that only a keen interest in literature can. Gone is the old Martin, the one that woops and hollers like a cheering American. []

The post Former Jock Develops Overnight Interest In Books After Discovering Women Might Like Books appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:34

EVE Online Player Accidentally Becomes Certified Accountant "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

KIRKLAND, Wash. After embarking on several EVE Online missions, Clark Kirchner accidentally passed the Uniform Certified Public Accountant Examination, allowing him to practice accounting in 49 of 50 states despite never taking a single accounting class.

Unbeknownst to Kirchner, his charts detailing the movements of the technetium moons of Deklein 3T7-M8 were a near-perfect replica of Cisco Systems cost basis analysis for fourth quarter, fiscal year 2015. That, combined with his battle plan during a recent corporation war, were enough to fully qualify him for a CPA license.

While it is not currently understood how, exactly, Kirchner was awarded his CPA license one appeared in the mail on Monday, notarized by the city clerk the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants confirmed that the license was not produced in error, and it certifies Kirchner to be a practicing accountant.

Im flattered, really, Kirchner explained, when reached for comment. You dont think that a video game is going to be the path to a new and exciting career.

Kirchner, who works as a hostage negotiator for the local police department, explained that EVE Online is how he injects a little excitement into his day. Look, it puts money on the table, but it all gets a little monotonous after awhile, said Kirchner. You go in, you find out who you have to talk out of killing hostages, you clock out by five. With EVE, I get to work with my true passion, spreadsheets.

Kirchner plays EVE online in his battle-station which consists of four grey fabric walls approximately four feet high, an old office chair with a busted back, and a desk with a small picture of Kirchner posed with his two chihuahuas.

This is my fantasy world, said Kirchner. Here I get to make all the spreadsheets I want. I can run any kind of break-even analysis. I can do any cost/benefit rundown I dream of across the universe of EVE Online and now I get to do that for Ernst & Young. What more could a person want?

05:44

Zimbabwean Migrants Who Still Refuse To Say Zimbabwe Have Some Interesting Opinions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A couple of Zimbabwean migrants currently residing in North Betootas new luxury housing estate have rattled several neighbours at a Christmas street party this afternoon. This comes after the news that Robert Mugabe resigned as Zimbabwes president on Tuesday, a week after the army and his former political allies moved to end his four decades []

The post Zimbabwean Migrants Who Still Refuse To Say Zimbabwe Have Some Interesting Opinions appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:31

President Forgets To Pardon 51,649,998 Turkeys "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, Nov. 22 -- In a joke-filled pre-Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House yesterday afternoon, President Trump continued a much-beloved American tradition and forgot to pardon approximately 51,649,998 turkeys. While USA Today estimates...

03:57

I Dont Even Know The Rules But Sure, Ill Come To The Pub For Lunch And Watch The Cricket With You "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An overly-polite local chickpea merchant has taken an early mark today to follow his fellow primary produce colleagues down to the Dolphins Leagues Club to watch the cricket this afternoon despite him not even knowing the rules. Alistair Peanut, of Woomerah Avenue, was asked by one or two []

The post I Dont Even Know The Rules But Sure, Ill Come To The Pub For Lunch And Watch The Cricket With You appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:54

South-African Born Englishman Based In Sydney Proudly Displays Traditional Maori Tatt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A bloke that was born in the Natal Province of South Africa in 1980, before essentially changing his nationality to British and playing international test cricket for England, is very proud of his close ties to Maori culture, it has been confirmed. Known collaquially as KP, Kevin Pietersen became the fastest batsman to []

The post South-African Born Englishman Based In Sydney Proudly Displays Traditional Maori Tatt appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:46

Local Weirdo Selects Cheque As Preferred Payment Option "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT What the fuck? A South Betoota woman has just chosen to make a purchase with a cheque account, whats the go there? After making a pretty run of the mill purchase of a tank of fuel, bottle of milk and some choccies, Mia Bouris (32) nonchalantly told the cashier that she wouldnt be []

The post Local Weirdo Selects Cheque As Preferred Payment Option appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:31

Local Builders Phone Contacts Now Just First Names And Job Titles "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Not even his partner-of-four-years is safe from Dale Packhams method of organising his phone contacts. Speaking to The Advocate this morning about the contents of his mobile telephone, the 27-year-old builder said it got too complicated having every fuck head architect and dumb cunt concreter save in his phone with their real names. []

The post Local Builders Phone Contacts Now Just First Names And Job Titles appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Eastenders loan-shark plot a metaphor for BREXIT, BBC admits. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The BBC has made the shock admission that the latest Eastenders plot line is just another tedious metaphor for BREXIT. This week the Taylor family matriarch saw a terrible decision of many months ago culminate in the possible loss of the family dog, Scotland, while a simple loan of 300 quid escalated to a debt of 53 billion.

The hapless but well-meaning Karen Taylor had an impossible task from the outset after being left holding the ugly baby after liaisons with wholly unsuitable men called Dave, Michael and Nigel, to name but a few. She has brazened out her situation wearing a succession of eye-poppingly inappropriate outfits, while affecting a total lack of self-awareness that she looked shit in every one of them.

Each week since her unnecessary gamble to secure a mandate from her children, viewers have been tortured by the inexorable progress towards the inevitable catastrofuck. We are really looking forward to the chaos, penury and splitting up of the family that will make for a classic Eastenders Christmas with all the trimmings, explained a BBC spokesman. It will be a denouement that reconciles the entire nation to being on Universal Credit by the time Keanu gets wrongly banged up for doing in Michel Barnier.

00:52

Just a rubbish bin on the back of a truck, lip syncing to the Smiths "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just a rubbish bin on the back of a truck, lip syncing to the Smiths.

Our favourite Smiths song, There Is A Bin That Never Goes Out. Fortunately it didnt end up in a crash with a double decker bus.

Oh yes, here it is.

And the winning response goes to

Source

The post Just a rubbish bin on the back of a truck, lip syncing to the Smiths appeared first on The Poke.

00:51

Overexcited Cricket Fan Wastes Crucial Social Media Photo On Gabba Outfield Before Play "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Knowing very well that he can only post two, maybe three photos of his day at the cricket before his mates stop losing interest, an overly excited cricketing tragic has jumped the gun this morning and posted a photo of the Gabba outfield, before anyone has even stepped out. Even though its a []

The post Overexcited Cricket Fan Wastes Crucial Social Media Photo On Gabba Outfield Before Play appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:19

Top 10 tweets about todays Budget "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A few thoughts about part-time Chancellor and full-time stand-up comic Philip Hammonds Budget, beginning with the great @davidschneider on Twitter.

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00:04

Nations Sleepy Suburban Cricket Nets Prepare To Get A Work Over This Afternoon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Its the calm before the storm this evening as the nations cricket nets prepare for a shellacking this afternoon. The start of summer is signified by the coin toss on the morning of the first summer test. It is coincidentally the busiest day on the calendar for PCYCs and cricket ovals around the []

The post Nations Sleepy Suburban Cricket Nets Prepare To Get A Work Over This Afternoon appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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22:17

Bob Katter Condemns Elton John Over Crocodile Rock "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Australian politician Bob Katter has condemned singer Elton John over his 1973 hit song Crocodile Rock claiming the song is pro-crocodile and anti-far north Queenslander.

Can you believe the hide on this fella, millions of people are in danger from these vicious crocodiles and this bloke wants to sing to them, said Mr Katter. I mean what does he have against Queenslanders.

Why cant it be the Queenslander rock or the Bob Katter rock instead of the bloody Crocodile Rock.

When asked whether he would like to sit down and discuss his concerns with the singer Mr Katter replied: You want me to talk with him, sure lets have a tea party Elton, Me and a couple of crocs Ill bring the scones. Do you think hed want strawberry or apricot jam?

The issue of Marriage equality and Elton Johns marriage to his husband David Furnish was not raised with Mr Katter as this reporter did not wish to be shot.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter...

06:36

Diet of the Millennium? Unethical Veganism Overtakes Paleo (and Gluten-Free) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Decades following the publication of Australian philosopher Peter Singer's landmark treatise Animal Liberation, which prompted dozens (some say even hundreds) of morally-conscious Americans to adopt a vegan lifestyle for ethical reasons, experts have...

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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

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Monday, 20 November

14:12

Mnuchin to compensate middle class for higher taxes with free Greenback Bathmats for the Rich "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After the laborious task of raping the middle class Mnuchin and Marie took time out to inspect the new greenback Bathmat. Marie had complained that she was weary of all the arduous work in Washington and took a military executive jet to the...

Sunday, 01 October

03:17

Lady Sybilla Beheads Rex Tillerson as Blood Sacrifice to Vladimir Putin "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Our ears are buzzing with rumors about the Russian scandal that never happened. Some call it #RussiaGate. Others call it #TrumpRussia, and yet others refer to it as "the Russia narrative." No matter what you call it, you cannot escape from the bl...

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Archiver

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