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Thursday, 13 December

10:00

A YouTuber has gone viral after her henna freckles experiment went hilariously wrong "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After seeing the results Instagrammer @uglysxegirl had achieved when applying freckles using henna, YouTuber, Naomi Jon decided to try it for herself and film it for her fans online.

This is what inspired her



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08:34

18 times peoples names hilariously matched their professions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres a theory that someones name can have a great influence on what job they eventually do, for instance someone called Mr. Baker could end up making bread, Miss Brewer could be drawn to producing beer and Mr Dick could, in time, become a traffic warden. The theory is known as nominative determinism.

Oddly enough, the theory holds some water, as these 18 people show.

1. The firefighter

2. The neurologist

3. The lawyer

4. The water expert

5. The charity worker

6. The cashier
...

08:00

David Dimbleby to Regenerate as Fiona Bruce "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fans of Question Time on BBC are looking forward to the highly anticipated regeneration scene this festive period. David Dimbleby announced he was leaving the show earlier this year prompting rumours that The Chairman would become a female for the first time in the programmes history.

I am hoping this breathes some life into the format, stated Emma Jones, a devout Timevian from Cardiff. It has become ever so predictable since this Brexit storyline started a few years back. The writers keep trying to add drama by having people shout the will of the people, get on with it but it is becoming dull now, they badly need a new catchphrase. Also, the latest villain, Mrs May, is so unrealistic, why would so many people support someone so incompetent? It just wouldnt happen in real life!

Some fans are worried about what has happened to The Chairmans partners. Dan Smith from Chichester is concerned a regular has been written out. They introduced this Farage character a while back who appeared in quite a lot of episodes. Apparently he was integral to the Brexit storyline and some even say he was the origin of that storyline. I find it surprising he has been written out before we have a conclusion to it, though a mate from work reckons he is about to be brought back, I cant wait to see what mischievous nonsense he gets up to next.

The introduction of a female Chairman has not been without controversy, some fans have questioned the need for such a change in direction. Chris Johnson from Canterbury commented: The Chairman has always been a man, its political correctness gone mad. Next they will be doing stories about Rosa Parks and how Britain caused the partition of India, crazy!

                                                                                                                                                                                     acidcirus

07:30

People are sharing their favourite jokes these 35+ are absolute crackers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If theres one thing we all need right now, its a laugh and less news okay, thats two things, but its nearly Christmas and we can all dream. Theres probably nothing we can do about the frenetic news cycle, but thanks to composer and funny man, Nick Harvey, we can all have a laugh.

He recently asked people to do something:

So, they did, and these are just 35 of the many very funny replies.

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06:46

Beautiful Sunny Day Nothing But Infuriating Strip Of Glare On Gamers Monitor "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Climate scientists are not the only group unhappy with the warmer weather as video game enthusiast Joseph Creen (19) expresses his distaste for this beautiful sunny day that is causing an infuriating strip of glare to fall across his gaming monitor. Being told from a young age he could do anything, Creen []

The post Beautiful Sunny Day Nothing But Infuriating Strip Of Glare On Gamers Monitor appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:30

Senator Canavan Begins Destroying Adani Paper Trail Ahead Of Federal Anti-Corruption Body "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Its been all stations go at the Federal Resources Ministers office today. With Scott Morrison announcing a new federal anti-corruption body this morning, the Resources Minister Matt Canavan and his staff have been getting on the front foot. Labor, the Greens and minor parties have long campaigned for a corruption watchdog, and in the []

The post Senator Canavan Begins Destroying Adani Paper Trail Ahead Of Federal Anti-Corruption Body appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:26

Fitzroy Girl With Half-Hearted Plans To Live In London Absolutely Heartbroken About Brexit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young woman from the trendy suburb of Fitzroy has spoken to The Advocate today about just why the whole Brexit thing hurts so much. The film student called Marsha Whish-Worthington from Melbournes equivalent of Betootas French Quarter told us that the breaking away of the United Kingdom from the EU is a sign of []

The post Fitzroy Girl With Half-Hearted Plans To Live In London Absolutely Heartbroken About Brexit appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:27

Haha Wimps Says Australias Parliament "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The two major political parties in Australia have confirmed today that theyve been very entertained by the events in the UK over the last 24 hours. Speaking to The Advocate a short time ago, the two partys leaders said there has been a bit of laughter about whats transpired in the halls of Westminster. Prime []

The post Haha Wimps Says Australias Parliament appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:12

Leftie Baby Boomer Refers To Morrison As A Bloody Drongo "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A French Quarter retiree has labelled the nations Prime Minister a bloody drongo this morning. The 69-year-old husband, father and grandfather named Arthur Wallace did so in an effort to sound like an everyman during a conversation with his barista this morning. While the conversation of politics was raised for some reason during []

The post Leftie Baby Boomer Refers To Morrison As A Bloody Drongo appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:12

Tony Abbott Reportedly Behind Failed British Leadership Spill "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news out of London, it can be revealed that the Former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott was the chief agitator in the UKs leadership challenge from overnight. This news comes after Theresa May successfully survived a no-confidence vote to remain Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. With the British government []

The post Tony Abbott Reportedly Behind Failed British Leadership Spill appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Wednesday, 12 December

22:37

Peter Dutton Loses UK Leadership Spill "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Peter Dutton will not become Britains next Prime Minister after failing to realise how the countrys political system works. He received zero votes.

Mr Dutton earlier said he had the numbers to topple Prime Minister Theresa May, seemingly unaware of the fact that he is ineligible to run for British parliament. I have the majority support of the British Conservative Party, Mr Dutton said, before polling absolutely no votes.

Earlier, Senator Matthias Cormann threw his support behind Mr Dutton in bold a last-minute move that saw Mr Dutton receiving zero votes.

After careful consideration, and a meticulous analysis of the numbers, I have decided that Mr Dutton will be elected the next Prime Minister of Britain, Mr Cormann said before todays vote, in which Mr Dutton received zero of a possible 317 votes.

Despite the decisive defeat, Mr Dutton has not ruled out a future challenge.

22:25

South Australias Space Agency Win Promises Faster Ways To Escape Adelaide "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

space

South Australians are rejoicing at this weeks announcement that the new Australian Space Agency will be based there, providing much-needed hope of a faster way to escape Adelaide.

During the announcement Prime Minister Scott Morrison said he thought South Australians were already well prepared for long trips into space. Because of their lack of faith in coal they have already adapted to long periods of complete darkness, he said.

Adelaide residents interviewed by the (un)Australian denied wanting to abandon their city. Modbury resident Lyn Crochet said, Most of us only want to be out of town between the chequered flag of the Adelaide 500 Supercars in March and the opening night of the Adelaide Fringe Festival the following February. An absence of just 11 months per year.

Not everyone is happy the new space agency will be based in Adelaide. While South Australia is already home to innovative satellite start-ups that are helping farmers and oceanographers world-wide, other states have complained that their own world-changing applications of space technology were overlooked by the selection panel.

* Victoria proposed a series of satellites over the Yarra to locate remaining oBikes.

* The Northern Territory was knocked back on a proposal to use satellites to detect crocodiles in the main street of Darwin.

* Queensland was unsuccessful in its bid to distribute the quotes of Bob Katter in all eight dimensions of the universe.

* The ACT was judged every bit as boring as Adelaide, but lost points because most Canberrans are already space-cadets.

* NSW declined to bid, fear...

17:36

Spotify Free User Names Get in the Zone Autozone as Best Song of 2018 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TUCSON, Ariz. Local music critic and Spotify free user Jill Nesbitt named Get in the Zone Autozone as the best song of 2018 on her first year-end list since using the streaming service, sources close to the frugal woman confirmed.

When I first heard the song, I just thought it was really annoying, said Nesbitt, who surprised even herself crowning the four-second song as the best of 2018. But after I heard it roughly 2,360 times, it started to grow on me when I caught myself singing along, I realized it was really just a perfect pop song: short, simple, catchy, and empowering.

I will get in the zone, added Nesbitt. I do it all the time. And once Im there, I never want to leave.

Despite the honor, the people behind the song seemed unaffected.

Yeah, our commercials have always been a big part of our business. So I guess its pretty cool someone enjoyed the jingle, said Autozone communications liaison Curtis Warren. But, hey while youre here, can I tell you about our winter tire sale? Buy three tires and get the fourth free! Any brand, any size.

They also come with a six year warranty, and can handle whatever conditions Mother Nature throws at them, added Warren.

Unfortunately, Leora Englehardt, the songwriter behind highly rated Get in the Zone Autozone jingle, also seemed underwhelmed by the distinction.

Dont get me wrong: I appreciate any and all forms of support, said Englehardt. But that song took me about four minutes to write. I spent the past three years working on a solo album I released this year, but nobody seems to give a shit. Couldnt she pick a song off of that to at least make her top 10? Feel free to pass my name along to her so she can check it out.

Following the announcement, Nesbitt teased the release of her Best Films of 2018 list. While the author has proven her capacity for a shocking upset, most expect the Peloton commercials from Hulu to nab the top prize.

The post Spotify Free User Names Get in the Zone Autozone as Best Song of 2018 appeared first on The Hard Times.

17:27

This dad offered to help his teenage son learn to shave and was brutally owned "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Reddit a chap called AdamNRG shared the heartwarming tale of when he offered to teach his stepson a thing or two about shaving.

He noticed that his razor had been left on the floor and put two and two together. Anyway, lets hear the story from the man himself.

Nicely done, and beautifully told.

Source

The post This dad o...

17:16

Southeastern Trains thought it would be a good idea to ask its customers this. It wasnt, it really wasnt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres the good people of Southeastern Trains with a cunning social media wheeze for the festive period.

Can you guess what happened next? You probably can, and very entertaining it was too.

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17:02

This multi-drop delivery driver wins job ad of the week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Spotted by Redditor PostmanRoy in a local recruitment office.

Spotted this gem in the window of the local recruitment agency

And just in case thats tricky to read

This role would suit a retired but active person, white hair and beard preferable. DBS checked. Experience of animal husbandry required specifically with reindeer.

Full/clean sleigh driving licence a must. Must be available 24th December for night shift. Must have valid passport for international travel. Uniform provided.

Salary mince pies and sherry

Nicely done by all concerned. Surprised it doesnt mention elf and safety, though.

Source

The post This multi-drop delivery driver wins job ad of the week appeared first on The Poke.

16:51

This mans story of a cat that got stuck in his car engine is the heart-warming tale we all need right now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In non-Brexit news hurrah! this doctors story of a cat that got stuck in his car engine went viral because its a pretty remarkable read.

...

16:17

Goddamn Lets Play Has Talking "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa   A YouTube Lets Play video of Hollow Knight, being used for the purposes of consultation and education, was revealed to feature a running audio commentary from its author, a detail that the viewer in question described as really fucking annoying.

Hey guys! Welcome to part six of my Hollow Knight walkthrough! began YouTuber user Drawn_this_Way, shortly before the video was muted. Look at these bugs in this game. I feel like Im in a New York City apartment. Oh shit, am I like gonna have to fight this guy? He looks like a butt bug.

YouTube viewer Vic Fredfield was reportedly disappointed to learn that the video he had selected arbitrarily from the field of search results not only wasnt the intended chapter of gameplay he had been seeking guidance on, but also featured a man seemingly devoid of any actual sense of humor doing a series of voices and noises.

I was trying to figure out where I had lost my way, so I found a video with a lot of views, said Fredfield. And I was pretty bummed to realize it was one with talking. Are people watching this tit for his commentary? And if they are, why does he stop for minutes at a time when hes stuck on something? This game has a wonderful soundtrack, why do I have to listen to this nerd bend over backwards on top of it?

Finding similar predicaments with several other walkthroughs uploaded by different YouTube users, Fredfield eventually returned the first video he had found.

Every goddamn one of these has talking, he reported. So whatever. At least this guy has his mic settings figured out. Ill just mute it and try to find the video that shows the part Im at.

The popular YouTube content creator received the news of his audio dismissal with hurt feelings and a plea for his alienated audience member.

He muted me? Aw man! said Drawn_this_Way, upon being informed. Are you still in touch with him? Would you ask him to like and subscribe please?

The post Goddamn Lets Play Has Talking appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:00

Mays exit strategy for car proves to be flawed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Prime Minister Theresa May today ran into trouble with the process of exiting her car, despite having assured people that it would be a simple process everyone would be happy with.

Finding her own door wouldnt open, she asked travelling companion Arlene Foster if shed mind letting her out on her side. Unfortunately, Foster made several unreasonable demands in return for her help, insisting that the car should belong to her from now on, but with Sinn Fein paying for petrol, road tax and insurance.

May then sought help from an EU official standing on the pavement, but he replied that the backstop arrangement whereby he used the doors exterior handle could only be triggered at a time of the EUs choosing.

She finally turned to Dave the chauffeur, who said that she couldnt blame him because it was only his job to driver her to the meeting Mrs Merkel, no to service th car, before adding: Though to be honest, the problem might be some paint got in the locks when my mate Boris was graffiting some random numbers on the side.

15:45

Punk Bands Most Influential Material Is Yelp Review of Local Taqueria "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BERKELEY, Calif. Bay Area punk band The Guts have released their most influential material since their inception 10 years ago: an online review of El Rey Tacos in Los Angeles, longtime supporters of the band confirmed.

Im not saying their music isnt important to me, said self-proclaimed #1 Guts fan Brendon Walters, who ranked the Yelp review higher than the bands multiple studio albums. But through their five-star review for El Rey, I learned they had the best carne asada nachos in southern California and their wish dishes can be made vegan. I mean, it changed my life forever I have a wedding in L.A. next month, so this saves me a lot of Googling.

Guts fans and casual Yelp users alike claimed they would never have eaten at the small restaurant had the band not collectively reviewed the insanely good al pastor tacos, ample parking, and 24-hour service.

A bunch of kids came up to tell me how much the chicharron meant to them I thought it was an early song of ours I forgot about, said Guts guitarist Mike Davis. Finally, someone complimented the sample platter and I figured out what was going on. I guess I should be touched we affected so many lives but I was kinda hoping it would be through our music.

For their part, the owners of El Rey Tacos expressed their appreciation for the bands work.

The Guts literally saved my life, owner and head cook Carlos Garcia said with tears in his eyes. We were two weeks away from having to close when they posted that review. All of a sudden, all these punk kids started coming out. I can finally pay for my mothers dialysis.

Following their groundbreaking work, rumors are swirling that the Guts are working on a follow-up review of a yet-unnamed all-day breakfast spot in San Francisco.

The post Punk Bands Most Influential Material Is Yelp Review of Local Taqueria appeared first on The Hard Times.

14:32

This hilariously awkward interview with 2 bickering Tory MPs tells you all you need to know about politics right now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If ever anything summed up the state of the nations politics right now, then it is surely this BBC TV interview with fellow Tory MPs, James Cleverly and Andrew Bridgen.

Its so awkward we cant stop watching it.

Heres what presenter Victoria Derbyshire had to say.

Im going to bring in your colleague James Cleverly, hes a Conservative MP. Hes vice-chair of the Conservative Party. I gather that you dont necessarily want to talk to each other. Are you happy to?

Except not only was Andrew Bridgen not happy to talk to Cleverly, it looks like he cant even bring himself to look at him.

In case youre wondering, Bridgen will be backing todays vote of no confidence in May, while Cleverly is a supporter of the prime minister.

14:16

This thread about democracy and tonights Tory no confidence vote is chilling and brilliant "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Writer and historian Robert Saunders went viral today with this (brief) thread about tonights Tory party vote of no confidence in Theresa May.

People shared it because of what it says about the (lack of) democracy in the country we live in right now.

Heres what Saunders, who teaches history at Queen Mary University of London, had to say.

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13:49

David Cameron had his say on Theresa Mays no confidence vote and got entirely the replies he deserved "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres someone you dont hear from very often, former Tory leader (and prime minister) David Cameron who had his say on Twitter about Theresa Mays vote of no confidence vote later today.

And you might be glad to know that Cameron got entirely the responses he deserved. Here are our 17 favourites.

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https://twitter.com/OwenJones84/status/1072818955297918976

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13:00

Brexit solved as EU renames itself European Community "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a last minute fevered negotiations the entire Brexit debate has been resolved. The EU has renamed itself The European Community, therefore the 1975 membership referendum can be invoked and Britain will now remain a full member in keeping with the wishes of those who voted at that time.

It turned out to be the simplest solution, although it does mean changing the headed notepaper, said EC President Donald Tusk. People obviously didnt mind being in the EC but hated being in the EU, well its only one letter so no ones going to lose any sleep over that.

Boris Johnson who has been vilified for dishonest claims during the now entirely irrelevant 2016 referendum campaign welcomed the solution: For many years Ive embraced/hated the EU but always liked the EC, so this is such a good solution for Britain and by Britain, I of course mean me, as after a few weeks I will stop getting the blame for this whole bloody Brexit balls-up.

11:18

Simply the only takedown you need of Jacob Rees-Mogg after he said this about Theresa May "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theresa May will face a vote of no confidence from her own MPs today with the result expected at around 9pm tonight.

The so-called prime minister said she would contest that vote with everything I have got.

This is what Jacob Rees-Mogg, one of the prime movers against her, had to say today.

And there was no shortage of interesting replies. Like this one.

And this one.

But none of them do the job quite so well as this one.

Boom!

And just in the interests of balance, there there was this person.

11:00

First-time buyers struggling to raise deposits for season tickets "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An industry survey has revealed that almost half of prospective buyers believe it will take them seven years or more to raise the deposit they need to purchase a season ticket allowing them to travel to work by train.

In the current economic climate, how anyone can expect me to raise 4,360 to travel into London for the year is beyond me, said Sally Dyson of Stevenage. I got a mortgage for my home but no one seems prepared to lend me the money I need to get to work. Until the banks start lending again people like me cant even hope to get on the season ticket ladder.

Those that have managed to secure loans for season tickets say it was a rigorous process. It took a long time to persuade a bank that lending me the money to get from Orpington to London Victoria was a wise investment, said Darren Tulley. They did a full credit check and wanted to see a years worth of payslips and bank statements. In the end they only agreed when I put my house up as collateral.

But for many moving from renting a monthly return to owning an annual season ticket remains only a dream. My dad left me his old season ticket to use as equity, but it was on the market for nine months and I didnt even have one viewer, complained Mark Costa of Colchester in Essex. In the end I had to walk to work. I set off first thing Monday and got to London by Wednesday morning, but by the time Id opened a few emails it was time to leave again for the weekend. Luckily now its a much shorter commute to the Jobcentre.

While season ticket price increases have been limited this year, rail companies insist that train tickets remain a sound investment. Its still a buyers market, said Michael Roberts, chief executive of the Association of Train Operating Companies. Just look at the off-peak returns we sold in 2011 if we were selling them today theyd fetch at least 20% more.

11:00

28 really stupid (and very funny) things people did when they were too young to know better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It started when someone called @MotherofDoggons on Twitter shared a really stupid thing she did as a kid and asked people to tell her theirs.

https://twitter.com/MotherOfDoggons/status/1071905220156780544

And it turns out there was no shortage of people keen to share the stupid things they had done. Here are our favourites.

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10:33

A man sent his wife a spreadsheet of all the excuses she gave not to have sex (and this goes straight to the top) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A woman was in a taxi on the way to the airport when she received an email from her husband to say he wasnt happy.

Specifically, he wasnt happy because he reckoned they hadnt had enough sex in the previous few weeks.

And it had obviously been weighing on his mind because he did this.

Heres what the 26-year-old woman (the same age as her husband) had to say after she shared the spreadsheet on Reddit.

Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. Hes never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and its a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he wont miss me for the 10 days Im gone.

Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my excuses, using verbatim quotes of why I didnt feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his document, weve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 attempts on his part.

This is a side of him I have never seen before bitter, immature, full of hatred. In person, hed been acting normal the whole time, maybe a little s...

08:32

This person tried to give away their sofa and what happened will ring true with anyone whos done something similar "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its not easy giving stuff away for free.

Very often the person who agrees to take it doesnt turn up on time, or attaches all sorts of conditions and you end up just wanting to re-advertise it but you dont because you dont want to cause offence.

What happened to this person after they attempted to give away their sofa as shared on Reddit is an extreme (and very entertaining) example of this.

...

08:06

The brilliant Stewart Lee on Brexit is 52 seconds to make your day better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres the wonderful Stewart Lee capturing all you need to know well, most of it about Brexit in 52 seconds flat.

Should take the edge off today for a few minutes at least. From his show, Content Provider, which is on BBC2 on 29 December.

Source

The post The brilliant Stewart Lee on Brexit is 52 seconds to make your day better appeared first on The Poke.

08:00

Crossrail delayed because stations really far apart, CEO explains "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Crossrail CEO Mark Wild has explained that the extra time and money needed to complete the project is due to the fact that the stations are much further apart than he realised.

I can only say that I was given poor information at the outset, said the embattled CEO today. The way it was presented it to me, the whole thing would fit on the top of a decent sized conference table. Naturally I was happy to announce wed get the thing done in a few months on a shoestring budget.

I now understand that this was something called a scale model which, whilst preserving the relative distances, does not show the actual size of the finished article. I must say, I did wonder what the point of building such a small railway was, when you could walk from one end to the other in a few seconds And whod fit in those little trains anyway? Still, ours not to reason why and all that.

The cabinet minister responsible for appointing Wild to run the project has dismissed claims he wasnt sufficiently vetted to check whether he had suitable experience or even basic intelligence.

Absolute nonsense, hes a terribly able sort of chap, no doubt about it. And I should know, since hes my brother.

Meanwhile, designers working on station signage have asked whether its likely to be finished during the reign of King Charles III, or should they start calling it the William Line just to be on the safe side.

07:43

Nation Appoints Warnie As New Chairman Of Selectors "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news out of Cricket Australia, the countrys greatest ever bowler has just been appointed as the Chairman of Selectors. The sensational move from the cricketing organisation, see Trevor Hohns sacked with Shane Keith Warne appointed in his place. The King of Spin was reportedly appointed as his successor in an []

The post Nation Appoints Warnie As New Chairman Of Selectors appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:52

Dutton Blames Democratic Process For Getting In The Way Of Him Being Way More Helpful "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Peter Dutton has pleaded with the country to scrap its parliamentary democracy today, imploring Australians that he would be able to do so much more if he didnt have to muck around with all the bureaucracy. The Home Affairs Minister told Sky News earlier that parliament is a disadvantage for sitting governments, and has []

The post Dutton Blames Democratic Process For Getting In The Way Of Him Being Way More Helpful appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:00

Opinion: As Someone Who Has Spent His Life Hunting Sasquatch, I Can Tell You, Without a Doubt in My Mind, Ive Wasted My Life "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I sit silently in my self-built blind, made of mud and twigs; the forest is silent save for the gentle click of the rain on tree leaves. This isnt my first time spending the night in Wallowa-Whitman National Forest in an attempt to spy the legendary bigfoot. It is night like this, when the moon is full and my heart sings for discovery, that I realize I should have gone to trade school like my father suggested.

I am 45 years-old, unwed, no children, and a laughing stock among my relative because thirty years ago I saw something outside my cabin I could not explain. In hindsight, it was most likely that serial killer they never caught. But instead, I convinced myself to abandon society in pursuit of the North American Yeti.

I have dug through countless piles of suspected Sasquatch shit only to discover it is the crap of a bear or a wolf. I carry with my an obvious odor of scat that will never wash away and if a child doesnt point & laugh at me, then he will hide in fright.

The mystery that is bigger than the beast himself is how the group of Squatchers I hang out with all managed to shoot themselves in the foot with their hunting rifles on the same camping trip.

I have set up hundreds of night-vision trap cameras in these woods and the only thing I have ever captured is the haunting reflection of my own aged face in the darkness. When I bark Sasquatch calls into the night the only response I get is my echoing loneliness.

Honestly, this isnt about if Bigfoot does or does not exist. This is about the fact that I could have been a great baker or helped the needy but instead I pick, bag and tag random hairs that always turn out to be dog hairs. Always.

I should just turn this bear mace gun on myself and pull the trigger.

The post Opinion: As Someone Who Has Spent His Life Hunting Sasquatch, I Can Tell You, Without a Doubt in My Mind, Ive Wasted My Life appeared first on The Hard Times.

05:44

Paul Dawson Arrests Self To Be With Brother Chris "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Paul Dawson, twin brother of  Chris Dawson, has arrested himself today so he can be with his brother once again. Known for their time spent playing Rugby League in the Newtown Jets, the Dawson brothers came back into the public eye in 2018 following the success of the Teachers Pet podcast, which []

The post Paul Dawson Arrests Self To Be With Brother Chris appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:42

No Fear Bumper Sticker Seemingly At Odds With Owners Opinions On Immigrants "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Contractor Owen Green (33) has been accused of the hypocrisy of the highest order, as his NO FEAR bumper sticker seems to be completely at odds with his opinion on immigrants. An avid bumper sticker collector, Green has hidden the rust on his red land cruiser ute with a collection of stickers []

The post No Fear Bumper Sticker Seemingly At Odds With Owners Opinions On Immigrants appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:08

Barnaby Joyce Calls For Royal Commission Into The Carlton Ring Pull "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Barnaby Joyce is back in the headlines today after calling for a Royal Commission into a pressing issue. Speaking earlier today the Former Deputy Prime Minister and Kiwi citizen, called for an inquiry into what the fucks going on with the new Carlton Dry bottles. The maverick MP from New England told our reporters []

The post Barnaby Joyce Calls For Royal Commission Into The Carlton Ring Pull appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:22

Stoned Teenager At Servo Worried Stoned Teenager Behind The Counter Is Judging Him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A tense standoff took place today at Betoota Ponds Independent Petrol station last night as stoned patron Jacob Lee (16) was very concerned he was being judged by Cameron Hall (17) the stoned attendant. After playing a few solos on the Gatorade saxophone, Wright climbed out of his bedroom window and made his []

The post Stoned Teenager At Servo Worried Stoned Teenager Behind The Counter Is Judging Him appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:04

Uber Driver Shifting Through Automatic Transmission Like Hes Driving A B-Double Up A Hill "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Pulling up at the lights on Greens Road in Betoota Heights, local Uber driver Bill Stroker clunked his late model automatic Holden Cruze in park as the lights turned red. His passenger, Butter Waterford, was confused. She thought long and hard as to why hed done that. Where they []

The post Uber Driver Shifting Through Automatic Transmission Like Hes Driving A B-Double Up A Hill appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Tuesday, 11 December

22:22

20 Year Old Copies Of National Geographic Supplied For Patients Waiting To Opt Out Of My Health "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

magazine

Millions of Australians still waiting to opt out of the My Health scheme have been supplied with digital copies of 20 year old National Geographics and Gourmet Traveller Magazines to keep them occupied.

I got online about forty minutes ago and Im pretty sure that some guy who got online twenty minutes after me managed to opt out first, but never mind because Ive become engrossed with this issue of Time magazine from 1993, said citizen Mike Schubert. I hope that President Clinton can do something about the situation in Bosnia or that could turn ugly.

Damn it, someones ripped out the entire article about new layout of St Andrews from this germ filled 2003 issue of Golf Digest, said disappointed queuer Rita Busby. At least the kids are happy playing with that wooden and plastic toy where you move the beads along a loopy wire.

Choices include a five year old copy of the Good Weekend magazine from the Saturday Herald with all the crosswords done, a pamphlet in seven different community languages about macular degeneration, and Wheels Magazines special luxury car issue from 1998.

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22:01

Trumps Annulment And The Aiding And Abetting Of A Known Felon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Im going to cut my friend Pokey some slack. Hes just being used by our rightwing friends and lucky for him the inability to process information is not a crime. Devin Nunes and my friend Sean, on the other Hannity, are actively aiding and abetting a known felon. Ive touched on this before, because I like to

16:51

9 out of 10 Teens Drinking on Football Field Report This Is the Greatest Night of Their Lives "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A study out of Park High School in central Indiana shows that 9 out of 10 teens splitting a case of Coors stolen from Gregs old man on the 50 yard-line of the of their soon to be almamaters football field claim that this is the greatest night of their life.

The study is a sample of ten suburban graduating seniors all heading off to college in the fall. All of whom are certain that they dont know what the future has in store and that everything is changing.

The lone 10% holdout of the study, one Justin Raymond, reports that while drinking on the hood of a 1972 Ford Bronco is one of the greatest nights of his life, he believes he is meant for bigger and better things and will get out of this town one day.

While many analysts in the field believed that prom or even Tommy Boom Boom Brennans house party would have been identified as the greatest night of their life, researchers were stunned to discover that tossing a football around under the stars with a group of friends that may never be together again after tonight won out.

Additionally, the study participants came to a consensus that the song Last Shot by country singer Kip Moore is their official anthem and, no matter where they are, if they hear that song they will do a shot in memory of that night.

In a similar longitudinal study with the graduating class of 1998, the now almost 40-year-olds report that not only was that still the greatest night of their life but that they wished they could have frozen time and let that night last forever.

The study went onto explain that the average wait time for one group of friends to finish reminiscing on the football field before another can take its place is approximately 1.3 hours. Researchers suggest using the town reservoir as a suitable substitute.

The post 9 out of 10 Teens Drinking on Football Field Report This Is the Greatest Night of Their Lives appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:36

Stephen Mangan started a debate about what you call the end of a loaf and now he probably wishes he hadnt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Actor Stephen Mangan was moved to share on Twitter what he calls the end bits of a loaf of bread.

It all started when comedian Romesh Ranganathan said this.

And Mangan joined in with this.

It was at this point that it really began to kick off.

16:05

Weakest Squad Member Also Most Successful in Real Life "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

AKRON, Ohio Local gamer Tim Gilbert is facing criticism from his friend group for focusing on his career and personal life rather than honing his skills as an Operator in Tom Clancys Rainbow Six Siege, a move sources say could threaten Gilberts standing within the group.

Tims a great guy and all, but hes been pulling this kind of stuff ever since high school, said Jacob Hicks, a longtime friend of Gilbert and current employee at a local Burger King.  While we were all doing WoW raids, he was busy with his AP Calculus test and part-time job. Its like, dude, the Horde needs you right now!

The three other friends, including Hicks, Wade Turner, and a third gentleman who goes by Sticky Steve due to an unprintable incident that occurred during middle school, share an apartment and a 1999 Toyota Camry sedan between them. According to those familiar with the situation, the trio has considered replacing Gilbert with someone who has more free time to dedicate to gaming.

Tims been so busy with his fancy job, 401k, health insurance, and generally productive life, that hes barely ever around to play with us anymore, said Turner, while heating up some Easy Mac. And even when he does, he really fucking sucks. We have to cover for him like he does for us when we all go out to eat and only he can afford to pay the check.

While the squad works on their breaching techniques, Gilbert has been preparing for his upcoming wedding, in an unprecedented betrayal of the groups usual night to play squad games online.

The post Weakest Squad Member Also Most Successful in Real Life appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:00

Voyager 2 to Voyager 1 Man, just keep going, its shit back there "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As the Voyager 2 probe became only the second man-made object to leave the solar system for the dark, cold, expanse of deep space, following its sister craft Voyager 1, NASA scientists were taken aback when the two probes started communicating with each other; something neither craft was programmed to do. Once the faint digital message had been decoded, NASA engineers explained that Voyager 2 said to Voyager 1: Hey, dude, we were lucky to get this far out when we could, theyve all gone fucking ballistic back at base. Man, just keep going, its shit back there.

Given the probes present location, some 18 billion km (11 billion miles) from Earth, scientists were surprised at the clarity of the message. Both Voyager craft were launched 16 days apart in 1977; the year Jimmy Carter became president, and Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her Silver Jubilee.

The message from Voyager 1 continued: Apparently Carter and the Queen are still around, which is cool, but Elvis is dead and theres some moronic airheaded jerk in the White House. The UK seems set on some form of crazy national suicide, and the planets climate is fucked; its so bad they wont even listen to David Attenborough any more!

15:45

Merch Guy in No Position to Give You Discount "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

FORT COLLINS, Colo. Tortured Metaphor merch guy and badass road-warrior Todd Sanderson was quite clear last night that he has no authority whatsoever to give you a discount on a $25 T-shirt, and likely wouldnt, even if he could, witnesses confirmed.

The band needs money from T-shirts so they can put gas in the van and drive to the next city, Sanderson said when reached for comment. The line was backing up to four fucking people deep while I tried to explain the basic tenets of economics to that kid. The shirt is $25 that isnt out of the ordinary.

Security footage confirmed that none your constant pleading, fit throwing, subtle flirting, overt flirting, drug offers, aggressive winking, or shameless crying weakened Sandersons resolve, as the merch-slinger remained cross-armed, stone-faced, and unimpressed.

Ive seen it all at this point, said Sanderson. If I came down to where you worked and cried in your face, would you give me a discount? For the sake of the people who hired you, I sure as hell hope not.

Jason Bustamante, a longtime professional roadie and highly regarded merch expert, empathized with Sandersons uncomfortable situation.

Oh, yeah Ive heard some creative demands for discounts over the years, he said. People claim they left their cash in their other shoe, or the plasma center wont let them donate more than once a month, or some shit like that. One time, a guy told me he couldnt pay full price because the drugs he planned to sell at the show ended up being fake. Its like, Thats great, but it doesnt change the price of a shirt, dude.

Witnesses reported they could see Sanderson grow more impatient about your bullshit by the moment.

I thought the merch guy was going to hop over the table and start throwing elbows, to be honest, said Tortured Metaphor fan Taylor Switzer. When I overheard [you] say, I need this money to buy three more drinks, and I have the bands faces tattooed on my ass, I knew things were bubbling over. Thankfully, some really sweaty guy cut in front of everyone and bought a 7 to diffuse everything.

At press time, more people reported being stuck behind you at Taco Bell after the show, where you were taking for-fucking-ever to order a burrito.

The post Merch Guy in No Position to Give You Discount appeared first on The Hard Times.

Theresa Mays best bits in the style of someone evicted from Big Brother is funny and very clever "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theresa May hasnt been evicted just yet but when she is, wed like to think this is what BBC News will do to look back at her time of office.

Just a piece of next level cleverness shared by Jake Johnstone on Twitter.

Beautifully done.

Except was there something missing?

In summary

...

15:30

Theresa May got locked in her own car funniest 14 things people said about it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As if Theresa May (and the rest of the country) hadnt been humiliated enough, she got locked in our own prime ministerial car on the way to meet Germanys Angela Merkel.

She did, she really did.

And heres our pick of what everyone had to say about it.

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13:11

These 21 wrong words that children have accidentally used are better than the originals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When artist Moose Allain noticed that thered been a lot of negativity on Twitter, he began posting a thread of those small things that bring a little joy into the world. People have been responding to his tweets along the way, including when the topic turned to odd and made-up words that families invent or adopt.

It stemmed from this simple pleasure

which inspired this reply.

It seems many other people had similar stories, mostly stemming from childrens misunderstandings.

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13:00

Brexiteers unlikely to give a rats arse about the European Court of Justice "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Remainers may be dancing in the streets and decorating their homes with EU-approved bunting; yet the news that the UK can unilaterally cancel Brexit, has been greeted by a universal meh from Leave Voters. The ECJs ruling carries as much sway with your average Brexiteer, as does the opinions of Jean-Claude Van Damme, the taste of currywurst or the third verse of La Marseillaise.

Commented one Brexiteer: Ignoring the ECJ was my main reason for voting in the first place. Like with horoscopes, Banksy and Celebrity Love-Island Im just not interested. On the list of things I dont care about, its right there at the top just ahead of greek yoghurt.

Unfortunately the ECJ is as relevant to Leave voters, as is a pot of marmalade is to NASAs Mission to Mars. At best, the ECJ speaking out on Brexit is like having your ex-boyfriend insist on cutting your fringe with nail-scissors.

Brexiteers have naturally responded with a measured and dignified fingers in the ears, following by an obligatory blah, blah, blah, Im not listening. Said the one voter: Taking back control, means never having to say youre sorry.

12:02

Donald Trump tops modern Christmas cracker jokes competition (and its not fake news) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A gag about Donald Trump has come top of a competition to come up with the best new modern Christmas cracker joke.

Theresa May, Boris Johnson, Love Island and Harry and Meghans wedding also featured among the favourite topical cracker gags in the annual competition run by TV channel Gold.

The good people of Gold challenged people to come up with the finest modern Christmas cracker jokes, which were then voted for by the British public.

And here are the top 15 (youll have to make your own bang sound though).

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What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off

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Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas? Because shes trying to bring back Chequers

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Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play? No prophet

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What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas? Their silence

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When do sheep practice their new dance? While shepherds watched them floss by night

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Whats the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born? The stable has had some wise men in it

7.

Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much? Shes always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes

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What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas? Suits

9.

Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Palletts Christmas Party? She misjudged the strength of the punch

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Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents? Because Kanye is Trumps favourite wrapper

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Whats the biggest complaint about Network Rails Christmas seasoning? They keep changing the thyme

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Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year? Because hes tired of being in the single market

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Whats the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas? Harry and Meghans wedding preacher

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What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey? Shred sauce

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Who won the North Pole Love Island? Dani Deer

The post...

11:49

This womans date was an hour late and his response makes her furious rant even better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its never nice when your date turns up late. But its important to keep everything in proportion, right?

A guy was going on his second date with this woman when he told her he was going to be an hour late, according to this post on Imgur, and this is what happened next.

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11:42

Donald Trump tweeted about a smocking gun and the burns kept coming 22 of the hottest "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its widely known that Donald Trump has a problem with spelling and punctuation and anger management. That last bad trait is no laughing matter, but some of his funnier spelling mistakes include whatever this was supposed to say:

There was also the time he managed to fit three spelling mistakes into one tweet which is no mean feat.


His latest error happened during one of his increasingly frequent rants about the Russian collusion investigation.

Wed screenshot it in case he deletes it, only it doesnt seem that he knows how. Naturally, there was a bit of a Twitter pile-on, including these excellent takedowns.

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11:22

This mum applied for a nursing job she was totally unqualified for and totally lost it when she was rejected "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When looking for a job its not entirely out of the ordinary that you might ask an old friend to help out. Its also, you know, not unusual for people to embellish their CV a little bit if required.

But this person, according to Redditor paradoxicalmind, took both of these tactics to extremes.

Here they are introducing the exchange on Reddit (and if youre wondering, CNA stands for certified nursing assistant).

Im a nursing manager at a healthcare organization. A former acquaintance I havent talked to in years reached out in response to my post about looking for help for a CNA/MA position, and then I ruined her Christmas.

And this is what happened next.

And a few of our favourite comments that it prompted

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11:00

Sports Personality of Year to introduce random banter testing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This years Sports Personality of the Year show will trial a new banter testing system, the BBC announced today.  The news comes amidst growing fears that athletes from popular, clubby sports have been able to unfairly game the system for many years by using in-jokes and slight innuendo with the presenters, thought to be worth at least 50,000 extra votes on the night over athletes from more marginal sports.

We want to level the playing field, said a BBC spokesperson today.  We know that its always funny seeing Lennox Lewis goof around with Andy Murray, and who couldnt raise a smile as Claire Balding makes a quip with Lewis Hamilton about his tax arrangements.  But its got out of hand.  The womens cricket team have won just about everything over recent years and all they usually get is just 30 seconds with Sue Barker and one of those slo-mo montages with the Welsh guy reciting an old poem over it.

Jokey exchanges on the show remain at an all time high, with presenters and sports personalities seemingly always at least two anecdotes ahead of the testers.  In one forced exchange between Gary Lineker and the England rugby team last year, banter levels were found to be 10 times the recommended broadcast maximum.  Samples of every interview done by John Inverdale are also currently being retrospectively tested, after high levels of a hard-to-spot reference to a public school tradition were found in one of his set piece comedy interludes with the England mens cricket team during rehearsals of the show.

With Murray serving a one year ban for dangerous levels of gags about his wife and mother in last years show, testers are thought to be focusing in on Chris Froome, who, to date, has registered a zero reading on every banter test he has ever taken.  The suspicion is that hes using high levels of natural ability and a somewhat deadpan delivery as a masking agent for heavily scripted punchlines., said one tester today.  But we feel its just a matter of time before he lets his guard down and gives a well timed riposte to one of Gabby Logans questions about chafing after 3 weeks in the saddle.

10:46

Hallmark Releases Happy Holidays Cards, Just To Fuck With Cory Bernardi "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

happy holidays

Greeting card company Hallmark has released a range of festive cards that replace the word Christmas with Holiday just to get on Conservative Australia Party leader Cory Bernardis tits.

The company doesnt expect to sell any of the cards including versions that say We Wish You A Merry Holiday Season and Have Yourself A Merry Little Holiday Season but says it was worth the investment to see Mr Bernardi totally lose his mind.

We know no-one actually says Happy Holidays in Australia, but we heard it would drive Cory Bernardi absolutely fucking insane, so we thought it was worth it, a spokesperson for the company said.

Mr Bernardi has responded with a YouTube video, parliamentary submission, 14-page brochure and an upcoming television commercial to criticise the cards.

10:23

Britains weirdest tourist attraction has had a Christmas makeover "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tourist attractions tend to be along the lines of museums, theme parks, palaces and suchlike. What nobody ever says is Lets go and visit a plastic tunnel. right? Wrong. A plastic tunnel that leads from a car park to a supermarket in Bude, Cornwall, is officially a tourist attraction, with its own entry on TripAdvisor.

This is what it looks like, usually.

Some of the reviews include:

However, with Christmas fast approaching, the Bude Tunnel has been adorned for the season and its glorious. Feast your eyes.

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10:11

This detail about how hermit crabs find a home is blowing peoples minds "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Everyone loves a hermit crab, right? Except not everyone, it would appear, knows exactly how they help each other find a home.

Fortunately for us, someone looked it up so we dont have to and minds were blown.

And theres a video as well, just in case you dont believe it.

...

09:14

This Brexit analogy went viral because its funny and totally nails it and prompted all sorts of cheesy puns "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Journalist Hugo Rifkind came up with a particularly unusual analogy for where Theresa May and Brexit are right now and it went viral because it was funny and totally accurate at the same time.

Heres what he said.

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08:49

An MP grabbed the mace in the House of Commons and these are the funniest 19 things people said about it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was uproar in the House of Commons at the end of the debate about Theresa Mays decision to call off the Brexit vote when Labour MP Lloyd Russell-Moyle (no, us neither) seized the ceremonial mace in protest.

Ooh, get him! Just in case, like us, you were wondering exactly that means, the mace represents the Queens authority in parliament and without it parliament cannot meet or pass laws.

Sounds pretty good to us. Anyway, here are the funniest 19 things people had to say about it, and jolly good they are too.

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08:28

A tiny typo made a headline about Julia Roberts very awkward indeed the only 14 reactions you need to read "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weve all had that slip of the hand thats resulted in sending a message with something confusing, incorrect or, occasionally, NSFW, but when that slip happens in a newspaper headline, its much worse. The Post Journal in New York recently made just such an error, leaving a headline about Julia Roberts looking rather inappropriate.

The word should clearly have been roles but that most unfortunate typo slipped through the net; if only subeditors had been invented.

Journalist, Neil McMahon shared his thoughts on the typo.

These are our 14 favourite tweets on the matter.

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08:00

Divorce Proceedings stall after Local solicitor refuses to disclose full extent of advice "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fred Cummins is facing the most difficult week of his very public divorce this week. Two years ago, Fred took the unusual step to announce his intention to finish his marriage by means of a public vote instead of using the courts. I felt that the man and woman in the street knew more about relationships than any judge, he said at the time. The vote took the public imagination, with 52% of those who voted agreeing he should divorce.

Shortly after the vote, Fred disappeared to follow up other interests and handed the final negotiations to his Sister-in-Law Maureen who has doggedly carried on with the divorce despite vocally supporting her sister in voting stay. Divorce means divorce has become a mantra for Maureen as she has tried to implement a number of requests from Fred over the last two years, including maintaining the right to cohabit the family home whenever he wants, keep access to Sky Sports and unlimited access to the larder and the conjugal bed on occasions. Fred is adamant that he shouldnt have to accept visits from his former in-laws, though, or their friends unless theyre hot.

The sticky subject of maintenance has stalled the process, though. Fred didnt want to pay any initially, then agreed to pay a one-off lump sum that still hasnt been agreed, but has finally suggested through Maureen that maintenance could continue for a couple of years or so as long as a long running dispute over his neighbours boundary can be resolved. Hes used to popping over to Lisas house for a quickie for years and doesnt want to see a hard border, explained Maureen.

The problem has now reached an impasse with chaos and confusion reigning despite the matter having been referred to a local solicitor who made recommendations; however, the dispute is now inflamed because it looks like he didnt disclose the final sentence of his advice to the Marital Court which subsequently has been revealed to include the phrase total crock of shit.

05:56

Work Xmas Party: Bloke Named Simon Kills The Vibe Talking About Trump And Russia Or Some Shit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An office intellectual whos name is either Simon or Evan has today ruined the mid-week Christmas Party by feeling the need to inform his uninterested colleagues of all the different things he knows about the Mueller probe. Despite being met with plenty of dismissive comments like Oh, I havent really been following that []

The post Work Xmas Party: Bloke Named Simon Kills The Vibe Talking About Trump And Russia Or Some Shit appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:27

Level Of Confected Outrage ABSOLUTELY SICKENING Online Commenter Says "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

online commentor

A man has labelled as absolutely disgusting the amount of contrived outrage that passes for comment these days.

Its repulsive, John Ribley wrote in the comments section of a national media website, before tweeting his concerns, using the hashtag #disgrace. Sorry, but this is just another example of whats wrong with this country. People taking a non-issue and then turning it into some sort of major concern, as if theyre outraged by it. Its absolutely sickening someone should resign over this.

He said it typified what was wrong with this country right now. This manufactured outrage over the smallest thing is the worst thing thats happened since WWII. Just awful.

He said heads should roll. As usual no-one is taking responsibility. People will die because of this.

 

04:55

Festival-Goer Warned About Risk Of Taking MDMA She Bought Off Bloke With Face Tatts In A WRX At 2AM "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local dance music enthusiast is today being urged to have a good long think about the dangers that can come from putting recreational drugs in her system. Christina Maley (18) from Betoota Heights has today been forced to consider the off-chance that the drugs she has bought for this weekend might cause []

The post Festival-Goer Warned About Risk Of Taking MDMA She Bought Off Bloke With Face Tatts In A WRX At 2AM appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:48

Pathetic Sook Looking Forward To Abusing Airline Staff Who Weigh His Carry-On "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Sadly, the bollards are still bolted to the ground at Remienko International Aerodrome after the unpleasantness in Sydney all those years ago. However, that fact is largely being credited with saving the life of a remarkably unpopular city worker today after he abused a female staff member because she said the mans bag []

The post Pathetic Sook Looking Forward To Abusing Airline Staff Who Weigh His Carry-On appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:27

FDA Urges Americans to Keep Health Goals Aspirational "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With the New Year and its associated array of resolutions fast approaching, the Food and Drug Administration urged Americans contemplating losing weight and getting in shape to keep their health and fitness goals aspirational. People have these f...

02:12

Man Railroaded Into Complimenting Friends Weird-Looking Baby "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter man has confided in The Advocate today about something that happened to him on the weekend that left him with an odd feeling in his stomach. Dylan Westacott said he was railroaded into complimenting his friends strange-looking baby on Saturday afternoon at a Christmas barbeque []

The post Man Railroaded Into Complimenting Friends Weird-Looking Baby appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:11

Cricket Australia Waiting To See How We Go In Perth Before They Decide If We Can Sledge Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The body governing the game of cricket in Australia has confirmed today that its not at panic stations just yet. Speaking exclusively to The Advocate this morning, Cricket Australias CEO Kevin Roberts informed us that they are holding tight for now. This comes after the Australian sides first test loss to India on home soil []

The post Cricket Australia Waiting To See How We Go In Perth Before They Decide If We Can Sledge Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:28

NSW Premier Prays Property Market Limps On Long Enough To Justify Selling Housos To Meriton "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact As Sydney begins its first wave of social cleansing in Waterloo and Redfern, NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian says shes pretty confident it will all be worth it, but well see. This comes after the NSW government announced that thousands of elderly and at risk Australians that depend on public housing will be relocated []

The post NSW Premier Prays Property Market Limps On Long Enough To Justify Selling Housos To Meriton appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:01

This Guardian clarification really had its work cut out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For reasons that must be obvious, the Guardian newspaper has long been dubbed the Grauniad, but some errors are a bit more obvious than a spelling mistake. Last week, a correction appeared that must be amongst the best weve ever seen. It said:

A reader noted that our recipe called Spaghetti with radicchio, fennel and rosemary didnt include spaghetti, fennel or rosemary.

Was it just radicchio on a plate?

Journalist Phil Baty spotted the little gem and posted a picture, which has proved to be very popular on Twitter.

There were some very entertaining reactions.

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00:55

Shorten Still Walking Kind Of Funny After Being Bent Over By Coalition On Encryption Laws "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact I could sit here all day and explain why I backflipped on that but itd just go over your head, he laughed. But Jesus Christ! Im walking like a cowboy today! [laughs] Opposition leader Bill Shorten spoke to The Advocate this morning from the comfort of his Melbourne home []

The post Shorten Still Walking Kind Of Funny After Being Bent Over By Coalition On Encryption Laws appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:32

Social Media Manager Stresses Over Report No One Will Read "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It was a busy first week of the month for social media manager Lizzy Dowling (28) who spent a continuous 96-hour stretch stressing out over a report no one will read. With a degree in Communications worth slightly less than the paper it is printed on (plus a debt that will last []

The post Social Media Manager Stresses Over Report No One Will Read appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Monday, 10 December

23:55

Sentinelese Tribe Rejects Missionarys Application For Asylum "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Indias North Sentinel IslandThe Sentinelese tribesmen responsible for the recent death of an American missionary man on a remote island off the coast of India are finally speaking out today about the slaying. In an exclusive interview, tribal spokesman, Bob the Elder, told The Discord, Yeah, we have some pretty tough immigration laws here on Stay The F Off

22:38

Dutton Denies Being The One Armed Man That Killed The Fugitives Wife "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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Minister for the Dark Arts Peter Dutton has strenuously denied being the one armed man that killed The Fugitive Dr Richard Kimbles wife in the early 90s movie.

These claims are baseless, sure I currently do have one arm due to an injury and yes I was in the area when the crime occurred but so were a lot of people, said Minister Dutton. I mean why is no one hassling immigrants or Bill Shorten.

In fact Ill be amazed if it wasnt Bill Shorten after all he is the reason for everything that has gone wrong in Australia since we have been in Government. Go hassle him.

When pressed on why he sought to blame Bill Shorten for his problems Minister Dutton replied: Its always other peoples fault that my plans for world domination get thwarted. I mean I would have been Australias supreme leader had Matthias Cormann not stuffed up the numbers.

I tell you he is Pinky to my Brain.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

21:05

Point/Counterpoint: English Republicanism "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

anotherengland

Point: We must build an anti-Westminster movement in England
by Anthony Jones, writer at The Lever

As the economic crisis deepens, Europe is particularly gripped by contradictions between various imperialist powers. This is most saliently felt in the Brexit regime which has pitted sections of the British ruling classes against their French and German counterparts. However, we in Britain are still living through the contradictions of capitalism-imperialism headed by Westminster, and in particular, the national contradictions within Britain which have the potential to splinter the UK as the EU is being splintered.

Naturally, I am referring to the potential of rising Scottish and Welsh nationalism to weaken Westminster imperialism and the English bourgeoisie, but it is very important that we understand how the English bourgeoisie is actually ruling Britain under the guise of not doing so. Through cultural soft power and economic and military hard power, the English ruling classes whose seat of power is Westminster attempt to convince all the peoples of this island of a shared political identity as British. This lie must be exposed not only by the Welsh and Scottish proletariats who can carry the struggle against imperialism beyond the weak pos...

20:31

Desperate 70 Year-Old Man Robs Bank, Immediately Surrenders To Police "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: Joe Kocolochek, a retired farmer from Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, had taken all he could. After surviving fifty years with his termagant wife, he decided that he had to take action. Anything would be better than spending another...

18:45

Dr. Bronner Mad With Power After Finding 19th Use for Soap "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

VISTA, Calif. The discovery of a 19th use for Dr. Bronners All-One hemp castile soap has members of the company going absolutely mad with power, concerned sources report.

I was bringing in a shipment of rose oil when I heard this insane, maniacal laughter coming from the office, said visibly shaken warehouse manager Karina Holmes, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. It was something about 19 uses yes, yes! and Absolute cleanliness is absolute godliness and I, the King of Soap! Kind of weird for a Tuesday.

When reached for comment, Dr. Bronners CEO David Bronner confirmed suspicions.

Theyll do whatever I tell them! he yelled from behind a closed and locked door. Ive got them washing floors with shampoo, the fools!

Additional members of the Bronner family, however, are struggling to deal with the total meltdown from updating the iconic packaging to include a 19th way to use the soap which, for over 50 years, included only 18 suggested uses.

Do you know how small we have to make that font on the label to make room for a 19th use? said Bronners wife and company co-president Kathy Bronner. I casually suggested we cut some of the random Bible references, but he just kept whispering, All-one, Kath, All-one, with this unnerving grin Id never seen before.

Phil Banjo Man Lyle, a cashier at the Prickly Pear Cooperative, found additional, unexpected issues from the change after a man believed to be David Bronner himself burst into the store and dramatically swept all bottles of his product off the shelf, claiming they were now obsolete.

He was wearing a burlap mask, but we all knew it was Bronner because of the intense peppermint smell, Lyle said when reached for comment. He was ranting about how he hath bequeathed us a 19th use for our mortal needs or whatever. When I was clocking out, he was still reciting poetry near the pastry aisle.

When asked what, exactly, was the revolutionary 19th use, Lyle could only guess.

I think he might have said, like, Safe for washing your horse, or something. Or maybe thats already on there, he said. I dont know. Ive actually never read the label. Its just soap.

The post Dr. Bronner Mad With Power After Finding 19th Use for Soap appeared first on The Hard Times.

17:14

All It Took to Become Successful Was Talking and Dressing Like the Rich Person Whose Identity I Stole "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Like me, youve probably been told that millennials are too busy vaping, eating ass, and razing entire industries to the ground and salting the earth to become wealthy. But in reality, you can become a raging success just like I did: by adopting the looks and habits of the wealthy, and also stealing their identities.

I want to really hammer home that last part. Its pretty crucial.

I wont lie, it takes hard work to follow my path to prosperity. You cant just make a LinkedIn profile and sit on your ass. You have to be willing to invest your time, effort, and emotions 100% into improving your life, Talented Mr. Ripley-style. And also it helps to get a job where you have access to high-end shoppers credit card information. Thats most of it.

To start, youll need to single out the wealthy person whose life youre about to invade and take over. It helps if they already look a lot like you but if they dont its not a deal-breaker. One easy workaround is hiding out on your yacht in Ibiza for a few months, then re-emerging and telling all your new loved ones you had major cosmetic surgery. Rich people are always doing eccentric shit like that and they hate being uninformed, so theyll play along until they die even if they dont believe you.

After you find your mark, I mean mentor, youll need to get close enough to them to start studying the traits that make them successful: work habits, time management skills, personality quirks, social security number, etc. Things like that. Networking will make a huge difference- like how I used my social media know-how to track down various venture capitalists and real estate moguls on Instagram and follow them around when theyre on vacation, at work, and in the gym.

So now that youve shadowed your walking embodiment of success, internalized their confidence, drive, and all their usernames and passwords, whats next?

Ideally by this time, youve become a trusted inner confidant of theirs, while simultaneously remaining unnoticed by their family, most of their friends, and the authorities. Before you start raking in the big bucks, youll have to get rid of them. As my wealthy target used to say whenever Forbes profiled him, Competition is great for business, especially if you eliminate the competition. What a brilliant man!

One of the first traits I picked up from my successful idol was a ruthless business acumen. Thanks to the invaluable lessons I learned, it took little effort on my part to sail far out to sea and throw the weighted body overboard. In next to no time, I was everything my parents ever wanted for me and more: a guy with a Tesla, thriving businesses, several disowned children from extramarital affairs, and no more worries.

The post...

16:36

People cant believe Donald Trump doesnt even know how to toss a coin "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump took time out of his busy schedule tweeting to attend the annual Army-Navy American football game in Philadelphia.

Not something wed ordinarily bother you with, but one of Trumps duties was to toss the coin and people couldnt quite get their heads round the way he did it.

Have a watch for yourself.

Its a fair question, and one which these people did their best to answer.

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16:16

Well I Stan Your Father, Explains Mom After First Day of Twitter "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MILWAUKEE, Wisc. Local mother and new addition to the Twitter community Eileen Sommer reportedly announced to her family today, We stan a legend, your father.

Stan, an endearing phrase used to describe when someone idolizes the content or personality of an entertainer originates from the Eminem song Stan and is generally not used when discussing spouses.

I think your father makes great content on the reg, such as the lovely homecooked meal you are all currently eating, so yes I am serious when I say that, in this household, we stan a legend, Sommer explained to her children, as they rolled their eyes. Now that Im a Twitter [sic], Im just trying to get into all the new lingo!

I would even go as far as to say I stan a queer icon, based on some experiences your father had before he met me when Sommer continued, before being interrupted by her daughter saying, Jesus, mom.

According to close sources, Sommer even printed out a photo of the Distracted Boyfriend Meme with the woman in red labeled as Your dad, the boyfriend labeled as Mom, and the girlfriend left completely blank.

I remember when I first met your father, you know. I didnt use these words, but I essentially felt like OMG Im screaming! Sommer said next, waving her arms around. Zendaya wasnt meechee back then, of course, but things really werent that different. Every day I pray that your father is never cancelled.

At press time, Eileen Sommer told reporters that she had just received her first follower.

The post Well I Stan Your Father, Explains Mom After First Day of Twitter appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:12

This childs unexpected response to a letter from Santa is just perfect comic timing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just a beautiful moment as this little lad receives a reply from Santa Claus confirming that, yes, he is on the list because, yes, hes been a good little boy.

Like his pants, were filling up.

Our favourite bit might be the person at the very end who you can just about hear muttering unbelievable (at least, we think you can).

15:45

Man Without Health Insurance Just Going to Give It a Few More Days "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ATHENS, Ga. Local uninsured and ailing man Jordan Cohen announced today that he will just give it a few more days before seeking any medical treatment, according to sources close to the invalid.

Yeah its just a bruise. Whatever, said Cohen, examining his now multi-colored mosh pit injury between desperate gasps for breath. Ive had plenty of pit injuries before. Im sure my ribs have always made that clicking sound when I breathe in too deep Ive just never noticed until now.

Cohen admitted hes been bedridden for three days, and cant stand for longer than two minutes before intense abdominal pain leaves him curled in a fetal position on the floor, begging for the sweet release of death.

I went to a show recently and collided with a guy in the pit, and he broke his arm. Like, his fucking bone was sticking out, claimed Cohen. That guy needed to go to the doctor. But me? I just had to lie down and try to breathe for a while. Sure, Ive been coughing up blood, but who hasnt been there? This will clear up by the weekend.

Gabby OBrien, Cohens longtime girlfriend, privately expressed her concerns.

Jordan hasnt slept more than an hour a night since the injury, and he passes out from the pain every time he sneezes. Next time he blacks out, I might just put him in the car and bring him to the emergency room, said OBrien while mapping out the quickest route to the hospital. He thinks doctors are for pussies, but if his fever gets any worse, I dont think hell have a chance to recover.

Cohens roommate has allegedly also attempted to persuade Cohen to no avail.

I cant even get him to take ibuprofen because he saw some article on Facebook saying itll tear up your stomach lining and he doesnt want to jeopardize his health, said Thomas Groth. I get it, though I turned 26 last year, and had to get off my moms health insurance, so youve gotta just try to be better to yourself until you can find a good job or something. Nowadays, I try to only have two drinks a night thats why I switched to drinking 40s.

At press time, Cohen remained optimistic.

Ill just see how it feels over the next few days, I guess. As long as the bruise doesnt get any bigger, I think Ill be fine. Its like the opposite of that mole I have on my shoulder that things been growing for years, but hasnt caused me any trouble.

The post Man Without Health Insurance Just Going to Give It a Few More Days appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:06

Actor Had His Face Chewed Off By Tiger Before The 9pm TV Watershed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An actor in a TV drama involving a man who sometimes changes into a white tiger, had his face gnawed off last night, despite the fact that, in many countries, this would have been before the 9 o'clock watershed. Thing is, in Cambodia, there are ma...

12:50

Comedian James Acaster spotted the Queer Eye Fab Fives beautifully diverse tweeting style "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If you havent seen the hit Netflix show Queer Eye, youre missing out on some amazing entertainment, not to mention the definitive guide to applying a French tuck to make your shirts look extra stylish. Comedian James Acaster obviously has, because he follows all five of the talented gay men who make the programme such compulsive viewing by changing peoples surroundings, appearances and outlooks.

We know he follows them, because he tweeted this:




Hair stylist Jonathan Van Ness take on Middle Eastern affairs wouldnt be out of place on a political website, whilst fashion guru and Doncaster lad, Tan France, strikes a far more down-to-earth tone, although still clearly concerned for the welfare of our world.
Twitter user, Sarah Gadd, shared a little serendipity that very much supported James position.

12:31

Nigel Farage said this about Article 50 and everyones making the same joke "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The European Court of Justice has ruled that the UK can unilaterally stop the Brexit process. The court said in its ruling today that any EU member state can revoke an article 50 process without needing approval from every other member state.

Not everyone was happy that the European Union was giving us the freedom to determine our own future, though. Nigel Farage, for one, who said this.

And lots of people made the same joke. Here are our 11 favourite variations on the theme.

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12:09

Simply a very satisfying play in 4 acts (with an unexpected twist) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Were grateful to a chap called Ian Sausage on Twitter for bothering Piers Morgan because he had some important news to share.

This is what he said happened next, a very satisfying play in 4 acts.

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Sometimes (always?) the most satisfying things are the simplest.

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11:54

Two nuns embezzled from a Catholic school to go to Vegas 13 superior comments "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nuns have had a hard enough time trying to preserve their reputation, with some awful past behaviours coming to light, so they wont be too happy to see they have a new piece of bad publicity to deal with.

The whole headline had a bit of a blockbuster ring to it, which didnt escape the notice of Twitter.

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09:16

Report: Grey Nomad Good For A Yarn "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A local retiree, who appears absolutely stoked to finally talk to someone who isnt his wife, is holding to a brief conversation with both hands. After driving for close to 10 hours in near silence between two different Outback look-outs, Richard Newcombe (72) has taken the opportunity to peel away from his caravan []

The post Report: Grey Nomad Good For A Yarn appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:43

"PETA" Boycotts Autry's "Rudolph" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Charging that Gene Autry's "Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer" contributes to the acceptance of bullying, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals [PETA] today called on all radio stations to ban the song during the holiday season. A PETA spokesm...

04:37

Duttons Eyes Glaze Over With Jealously Watching French Police Bash Protestors "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Its not fair, he said quietly. Why is the French government allowed to do that? Why can we be allowed to shoot, gas, bash and imprison people saying mean things about our government? Peter Dutton reluctantly took time out of his busy afternoon of reading our encrypted WhatsApp group []

The post Duttons Eyes Glaze Over With Jealously Watching French Police Bash Protestors appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Sunday, 09 December

22:19

Warning Labels Put On News Stories Containing Photos Of Spiders "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

spider

The government has announced that it will be compulsory to put a warning label on any news story that contains a photograph of a spider to protect the sensibilities of sooky arachnophobes.

We are introducing the SP warning to go alongside similar warning for violence, adult themes and explicit sexual content to stop big wussy lilies who are scared of spiders from wetting themselves should they accidentally click on a link that leads them to a big hairy tarantula, said Constance Chatterley from the Office of Film and Literature Classification. It doesnt matter what type of spider, the legislation covers everything from daddy long legses to those little ones that make webs on your cars side mirrors and are small enough to crawl into your head through your ear and lay their eggs in your brain.

The new law has been welcomed by dainty spider haters, many of whom are unable to take a relaxing browse through the morning news over a cup of coffee through fear of accidentally stumbling upon a story about venom milking or the discovery of a new species of bird eating spider in the Costa Rican rainforest.

I get the shuddery shakes just turning the pages of the paper just in case theres a photo of some weirdo from the museum with a spider on their face or an update on the new remake of that movie Arachnophobia, said spider phobic newspaper reader Gavin Webster. An SP rating on the cover will a...

22:02

Real Life Batman? This Mans Parents Are Both Dead "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

While Todd Erickson may seem like a mild mannered middle-aged man at first glance, this is simply a cover up to hide the fact that he is none other than the crime fighter knows as Batman. How do we know? Both his parents are both dead.

I got a chance to sit down with Erickson, who is 43, at his apartment in the Milwaukee suburbs. Much like the Batcave from the comics, Todds apartment is dimly lit and even has a hard to find entrance!

My mom died a few weeks ago after a long battle with cancer, and my dad died about five years ago from a sudden heart attack, said the real life Dark Knight. Howd you get in here?

Im glad hes on our side!

Erickson has even done his fair share of crime fighting! I was lucky enough to hear one of his harrowing stories from the streets while I drank from a dented can of orange crush he had given me from his empty fridge.

Yeah this one time my neighbors dog ran away, said the Caped Crusader. She posted about it on Facebook and I shared the post.

Erickson isnt just a flesh and blood copy of the worlds greatest detective either. Much like Batmans alter ego Bruce Wayne, Erickson also moonlights as a bit of a playboy.

I have been getting into cryptocurrencies lately. Theyve been going through a bit of a dry spot, but I really think theyre the future of finance, said the Silent Protector.

I asked if Erickson had any heroic advice for us common folk. The Watchful Guardian replied, Damn I really miss my mom.

Meeting Erickson was an experience Ill never forget. Now I can sleep a little better at night knowing that there are heroes like him watching over us.

The post Real Life Batman? This Mans Parents Are Both Dead appeared first on The Hard Times.

17:48

Opinion: Youre Gatekeeping Wrong "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I am so goddamn sick of seeing fake gatekeepers on the internet telling people they arent real fans of something, because they are gatekeeping all WRONG.

I have been a REAL gatekeeper my entire life. I understand what it is like to have grown up as a gatekeeper, keeping a watchful eye on nerd and geek culture (if you dont know the difference, you shouldnt even be gatekeeping in the first place). I have worked my ass off to get to where I am as a gatekeeper and it is a major part of my identity, so dont you dare show up to my internet neighborhood and try to gatekeep other people unless you actually deserve to.

I will admit, its tricky to distinguish. I bet youre all expecting some wonderful guide that easily breaks down the fundamental steps to proper gatekeeping. Wouldnt that be nice? An easy way to know who is a real gatekeeper?

Well the world doesnt fucking work that way. The only way to tell the difference is to be a true gatekeeper and to feel it in your gut OR to listen to me. Because when I see someone online chastising some fake Game of Thrones fan for not reading the books or some fake Star Wars fan for enjoying Episode 8, I can tell if theyre gatekeeping for real. Its not something you can read or see, its something I just know deep in my bones because Im the real deal.

I guess the ultimate advice when it comes to gatekeeping or nerd culture in general is this: always defer to whatever I say is right. Because when it comes down to it, only I truly understand what is right and what is wrong and what is good and what is bad. And youre trying to pull that off yourself? Youre doing it wrong.

The post Opinion: Youre Gatekeeping Wrong appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:45

Coolest Cousin From Childhood Finally Paroled "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BRIDGEWATER, Mass. Your coolest cousin and basically big brother from ages 4-13, Donnie McGee, was finally released from prison earlier today, not-so-excited sources confirmed.

Man, Donnie is the fucking best. Hes basically the reason I got into punk and hardcore. Without him, Id probably have been some n-metal wonk wishing Ozzfest would come back, you reported from your car outside of Old Colony Correctional Center in Bridgewater. We havent really talked much in the past 20 years because he got involved with some heavy shit, but I was the first person he called when he found out he got paroled.

Your longtime girlfriend Jolene Campos admitted shes a little uneasy about your admiration for your cousin, convicted of multiple, sometimes violent, felonies.

From everything Ive heard, it seems like Donnie was a ton of fun to start fires with as a kid but then got mixed up with a bad crowd as a teenager, said Campos while hiding her grandmothers heirloom jewelry. Which is fine I believe in second chances but this seems like his eighth or ninth chance and thats with legal intervention from the State of Massachusetts.

I do wish I was consulted about Donnie staying with us until he gets on his feet, though, she added. But, hey relationships are about compromise, and feeling kind of unsafe in your own home because of a criminal on your futon is just part of that, right?

Reportedly, while you waited for McGee to exit the medium security facility, you pondered which topics to discuss on the 15-minute drive to your apartment.

The last photo of him I saw, he had some extensive tattoo work done and Ive been getting tattooed for a while, so I figure we can discuss that, you said excitedly, pointing to the tattoo of your last name on your forearm. He was always the funniest dude: hed crack me up with his Ren and Stimpy impressions.

Im sure he has a ton of really funny prison stories, you added. I could tell him about the time I got pulled over and the cop let me go with a warning, because we had the same last name. People like that story, and he can probably relate.

At press time, you and your girlfriend were quietly watching Netflix on your phone in your bedroom, while McGee and a crew of large men got drunk in your living room.

The post Coolest Cousin From Childhood Finally Paroled appeared first on The Hard Times.

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Saturday, 08 December

19:31

Traditional Saudi Headdress Now Comes With Italian Restaurant Feature "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A picnic ensemble will be available for the holidays! Batteries sold separately.

18:08

Gex the Gecko Really Thought This Video Games Award Broadcast Was Gonna Be the One to Announce His Comeback "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MAUI, Hawaii As the live stream ended for the 2018 Video Game Awards, Gex the Gecko, titular character of the mildly popular Gex video game trilogy released in the 90s, reportedly slumped in his chair and let out a guttural sigh as yet another opportunity for a series reboot announcement failed to materialize.

The gaming industry doesnt care about old-timers like me. Blinx the Cat and I were texting last night, assuring each other that this was gonna be the year they bring us out of retirement, Gex told reporters, but apparently if you arent a fucking squad-based mmo-esque battle royale looter shooter with microtransactions, the industry has no use for you.

After pounding a shot, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend Agent Xtra, Gex began an angry monologue that sounded progressively drunker as it went on.

I used to be a star, you know? An influencer. There would be no Geico Gecko without me and that snivelling little social climber cant even return my calls or introduce me to some gaming execs. Im not picky; you want me to star in an endless runner? Ive put on a couple pounds but Id do it, Gex rambled on.

Name a genre and I promise I can lower my dignity to take it.

Sensing that this article might be his last chance at getting noticed by the gaming industry, Gex kept offering reasons why he deserves a comeback.

You dont even need me to update my pop culture references because they all have been rebooted and are cool again! Gex pleaded with reporters. I can even do my great Adriaaaannn thanks to the Creed movie!

At press time, industry sources said that Gex is up for the last slot on Nintendos rumored N64 Classic, although will have to compete with Glover and Brett Favre: NFL Quaterback Club 98.

The post Gex the Gecko Really Thought This Video Games Award Broadcast Was Gonna Be the One to Announce His Comeback appeared first on The Hard Times.

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Thursday, 06 December

23:23

Doctor Explains To Sick Kid On Nauru That He Has A Malignant Government "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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A doctor at an immigration centre in Nauru has quietly told a young refugee on Nauru of the existence of a malignant government. He has given it four months to live.

Describing the government as aggressive, he explained that it would probably get worse before an attempt was made to remove it.

Its getting progressively worse Im afraid. It might make you feel sick, the doctor explained.

22:37

Shorten Proudly Tells Friends He Only Let the Government Get To Second Base On Recent Date "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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Labor leader Bill Shorten has returned from a date with the Government and proudly boasted to colleagues that he only let them get to second base as he cut them off before they got to third.

Bill was very happy with how the date went, he said it started off well and was very amicable and he felt in control at all times, said one of Bills closest confidants. The Government did get a bit frisky and tried it on but Bill stopped them as they approached third base.

Hes hopeful that things will keep progressing in a positive and amicable way.

However despite Bills positivity the Government has gone around boasting that they went all the way with Bill and have claimed that he was pretty easy.

The news has not yet gotten back to Bill and friends are worried that when it does it may devastate him and force him to do something stupid like exchange preferences

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

In Sydney Dec 7th then come along and see our live show. To buy tickets go to: https://bit.ly/2AUaE5f

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Wednesday, 05 December

21:57

Barrel Chested Old Coot At Beach Wants You To Guess How Old He Is "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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That leathery old bloke in speedos whos always strutting around at the beach wants you to take a shot at guessing how old he is.

How old do you reckon I am? asked wrinkly beachgoer Bert Vovo as he puffed out his chest in front of some random sunbathers at Manly Beach yesterday. Have a go, dont be shy how old?

Hed engaged me and my friend in some aimless chatter about bluebottles for several minutes before putting his hands on his hips and asking us to have a crack at guessing how old he is, said Norwegian tourist Elke Slopslap. I thought Id be polite and estimate his age and then knock 20 years off because I assumed he was fishing for a compliment on how fit he was.

Retired boilermaker Vovo was stoked when the pallid skinned backpacker guessed his age as 60ish, well below his actual age of 79.

Ive been a member of the surf lifesaving club here for 67 years and do 10 laps of the rock pool every morning, crowed the septuagenarian sand stroller. Sure my skin now has the colour and texture of a pair of tan brogues from Payless Shoes but I keep myself supple by rubbing in half a jar of dubbin every morning.

Satisfied with the response, Vovo shuffled off down the beach in an old man jogging style looking for other sun bathers to have a chinwag with.

Peter Green
http://www.tw...

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Tuesday, 04 December

22:30

Liberal Party Change Their Constitution To Make It Impossible To Unseat A Sitting Craig Kelly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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Scott Morrisons Liberal Government has held an emergency meeting overnight to change the constitution of the party to ensure that no sitting Craig Kelly is ever unseated in a pre-selection battle.

Weve listened to the people and by people I mean the chaps on Sky News after dark and weve heard loud and clear that the people want Craig Kelly in parliament, said Prime Minister Morrison. Besides if he didnt have parliament to go to hed be on Sky News 24/7 and I dont think anyone wants that do they?

Well maybe Andrew Bolt does but thats besides the point.

When asked why his Government put so much stock into the opinions of Sky News after dark the Prime Minister replied: Sky News is a great avenue for us as a Government to get our message across to their 10s of viewers.

Its either Sky News or appearing on the ABC where their presenters dare to ask us questions that arent on the script.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook...

18:30

Navy Admiral Killed in UFO Cover-up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A top naval official in charge of operations in the Middle East was found dead in Bahrain Saturday, according to a Navy spokesperson. Although the navy officially ruled out foul play, calling his death an apparent suicide, our White House source claims Vice Adm. Scott A. Stearney, 58, was murdered because he intended to speak to the press about a brazen and ongoing UFO cover-up that for years had plagued his nerves.

He wanted to come forward, our source said, because a growing number of sailors under his command, varying from lowly seamen to commanding officers, had reported seeing unidentified flying objects rising from the waters in the Straits of Hormuz and the Arabian Sea. These craft ranged in size from a few meters in diameter to twice the length of a football field. In some cases, they arose from the sea and vanished into space in the blink of an eye; other times they surfaced and hovered directly abeam of U.S. warships.

Our source said that in 2018 Admiral Stearney submitted fifty-seven unidentified flying object reports to United States Central Command (CENTCOM) at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa, FL.

When a solider or sailor encounters a UFO and reports it to his commanding officer, hes usually told to shut the fuck up. Hes told he had a hallucination, was dealing with sea sickness, or what he saw was a figment of his imagination. But still every report is filed up the Chain of Command. It was Adm. Stearneys responsibility to forward every report, regardless of credibility, to CENTCOM. The frequency of reports became so numerous that he must been overwhelmed. A few days prior to his death, he wrote CENTCOM a letter saying he believed the reports and that the information contained ought to be publically known and not buried in the bowls of the Pentagon, our source said.

Two days later, a fellow officer discovered Stearneys corpse in his Bahrain apartment. Without an investigation, the Naval Criminal Investigation Services (NCIS) excluded homicide in favor of suicide. The investigating agents allege...

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Friday, 16 November

20:24

President Trump To Transition To A Woman "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald J. Trump, leader of the free world, announced today that he would undergo surgery to remove his naughty bits and replace them with kinder gentler naughty bits, those of a broad! The president was quoted as saying, "This whole Me Too movemen...

16:03

White House mulls celebrity swaps to honor global justice and dispel lingering odors "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mr. Trump and his staff are considering ways to bolster support toward re-election in 2020, following significant re-evaluation of the nations midterms. Despite Mr. Trumps earlier claims of victory, increased ballot count shows continued Democ...

06:00

Trump Has Been President For 666 Days Today - Symbolic? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

US President, Donald J. Trump, has been in the job 666 days today, 16 November, having taken office on 20 January 2017, and has been busy living up to his 'devilish' reputation by hinting that Robert Mueller, in charge of the 'Russia investigation',...

02:58

Saudi Agent Who Killed Jamal Khashoggi Identified "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The murderer of Saudi Arabian dissident journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, whose death was ordered by the Saudi crown prince, Mohammad bin Salman, has been identified, to the relief of all concerned. The man, Ashraf al-Pigsmightfly, is a Saudi intellige...

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Thursday, 15 November

17:28

Terrified Saudi Prosecutor says Jamal Khashoggi Murder "Was Ordered by Agent, Not Crown Prince After All...Honest" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In what he claimed is "definitely not a whitewash" Saudi Arabia's public prosecutor has concluded that an intelligence officer ordered Jamal Khashoggi's murder, not Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman despite all the evidence to the contrary in his poss...

16:21

White House Security Breach As Jamal Khashoggi's Ghost Calls To See President Trump "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Feathers were ruffled, and presidential security officers were on full alert this morning, after an apparition much resembling the forlorn figure of murdered Saudi Arabian dissident journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, was seen lumbering along corridors at t...

15:43

Trump Revokes White House Press Credentials Of The Spoof "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Spoof, the satirical news website that has consistently dragged the name and reputation of US President, Donald Trump, through the mud, has now suffered the same fate as CNN reporter, Jim Acosta, and had its White House press credentials revoked,...

15:30

Secret audio on White House bed post alarms staff and brings in Bob Woodward "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Breaking: Discovery of a secret audio listening post in the Trump master bedroom at The White House has brought suspicion Mr. Erdogan, President of Turkey, may be behind the scheme. The FBI is investigating, and The Washington Posts classic newsh...

06:10

CNN To Give Jim Acosta A Pay Rise "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CNN, the television news company that employs Jim Acosta, the man who had his White House reporting credentials revoked after a press conference controversy with US President, Donald Trump, have awarded their reporter a pay rise, for asking the right...

04:37

President Trump Applies Calming Effect To Macron Row "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

US President, Donald Trump has reacted to comments made by the French president, Emmanuel Macron, over what the Frenchman said were matters of common decency, that Trump lacked. In what - for him - was a measured response, Trump blasted: "Commo...

03:45

Company Selects "Employee of the Month" for November "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Minnesota. Thomas Darfey, 42, was recently selected as the November "Employee of the Month" at Plainfield Lumber Products, a factory that produces household furniture items as well as composite decking boards. Thomas (or "Tommy" as he likes to...

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Wednesday, 14 November

18:32

Trump a Communist? He'll "Nationalize" Amazon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

At the recent Paris war memorial, Wikileaks secretly recorded Donald Trump telling Vladimir Putin, "When Amazon owns everything, I'll 'nationalize' it." Aghast, Putin responded: "That's communism! When you 'nationalize' something, that means the g...

14:49

Rapper Forgot Words To Song, So Just Kept Improvising With Ever More Tenuous Rhymes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A top US rap artist has won dozens of new fans, after he rescued himself from a potentially career-ending embarrassment during a live internet concert, when he forgot his words. The rapper, Grizzly Muthafucka (not real name), was onstage in Los An...

10:20

Man Tries To Improve His German Language Skills By Watching 'Kolberg' (1945) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who wanted to improve his rudimentary German language skills, has told how he watched a 1945 World War II propaganda film in order to do so. Myke Woodson, 55, was left with 'nothing to do' during a four-hour break at the school where he work...

03:34

Brexit Agreement Reached! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a stunning turnaround, and against all the odds, the EU and the UK government put aside their previous differences on the Brexit deal, and finally reached an agreement to suit both sides: they agreed to disagree. The two factions, who had previ...

02:43

Bolton to be shot out of a cannon over the Middle East "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

According to inside analysts, Mr. John Bolton, National Security Advisor, is steadily advancing toward November, 2024. If theres one thing we do like its a good war, is commonly expressed by Mr. Bolton and his group at barbecues and gab sessio...

01:04

Saudi X-rays Show Khashoggi Body Parts Smuggled Out In Hit Teams Tummies "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: In a previously copyrighted story that appeared on these pages, Saudi officials had dismissed the allegation that the team that assassinated Mr. Khashoggi in their Consulate In Turkey disposed of him by dismembering him and then s...

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Tuesday, 13 November

23:24

Man Receives Death Threat Over Narcissistic Material "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who was accused of being overly-narcissistic on a satirical news website, has received death threats threatening him with death, I can reveal. Myke Woodson, 55, said he had also been accused not only of being overly-narcissistic, but overtly...

13:06

Death Threat Would Never Have Been Carried Out, Says Man Who Sent Himself A Death Threat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who sent himself a death threat has told police he never meant to carry it out. The man, Myke Himself, 55, said that the threat was just a prank. Himself said he sent the death threat to himself "as a laugh", and that it was not meant to...

02:57

Belfast Marathon Sprint Finish Ruined As Runner Slips On Dog Shit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was real drama in the finishing stretch in the Belfast Marathon today, when, coming into the final 100 yards of the race, three men still in contention entered into a neck-and-neck sprint finish, only for one of them to bow out 10 yards from th...

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Monday, 12 November

16:03

Witnesses Sought After Ruler Snaps "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man is appealing for witnesses after an antique ruler was snapped in half at the weekend. The striking 30cm yellow, plastic ruler was emblazoned with the words 'Hull Colour Pages', and was in regular use. Myke Woodson, 55, stole the ruler al...

14:26

Patriots Award Naming Rights to Amazon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Boston, Ma - The New England Patriots have awarded team naming rights to Amazon.com. The team formerly known as the Pats will now be called the Amazons. All players are required to take on Amazon as their last name. Quarterback Tom Amazon initial...

13:57

Trump Missed WW1 Memorial Service "To Request Asylum" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The White House has been forced to deny that US "President" Donald Trump was visiting Paris' Russian embassy in an attempt to gain political asylum when he missed a World War One memorial event on Saturday. His non-appearance has led to a critical ba...

13:18

Mann Turns The Other Cheek "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a Christian act of restraint that would have impressed many a God-botherer looking in, a man on the satirical news website, TheSpoof.com, decided that, rather than indulging in a fruitless and counterproductive slanging match with his critics, he...

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Wednesday, 31 October

21:31

Government Releases The Cure For Cancer, But With The Largest Price Tag of Any Drug in History "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a breakthrough discovery, officials at the Scientific Lab For Study and Research in Washington, D.C., have developed the worlds first 100% cure for all types of cancer, no matter the region in the body or the severity. Researchers have been working on the drug for more than 20 years in secret, and trials on human subjects were just completed earlier this year.

The drug, which is already approved by the FDA for use in patients, has the largest price tag of any in the history of medicine. A single injection costs $4.7 million dollars, with the course of treatment needing a total of 52 injections over the course of a year. Final cost for the treatment? Nearly $2.5 billion dollars per person.

We know that its really, really high, but frankly, theres not much we can do about it, said lead researcher, Mario  Jones, M.D. The ingredients in the drug warrant the cost. Were actually taking a loss on each injection by several hundred thousand dollars. I cannot speak to, exactly, what is in the drug, because of patent concerns, but let me tell you, its really a great deal if you can get your hands on it.

21:28

Michelle Obama Says She Plans To Run Against Trump in 2020 With Barack As Her V.P.! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a shocking move, Michelle Obama says she is ready to begin campaigning for a shot at the White House in 2020. The announcement comes after several months of speculation, but with Michelle always saying it wasnt going to happen. The news also includes a shocking running mate Michelles husband, former President Barack Obama.

We had to look into the legalities a lot, because we were not 100% sure it could happen, but it turns out, everything is in order, said Michelle Obama in a statement. Barack finished his two terms as elected President, but would be allowed to serve two more terms as Vice President, were he able to get elected with a running mate who is eligible for the office. I believe Im more than qualified for the job.

When questioned about the issue, though, that if something were to happen to her after election, Barack would become President for a third term, Michelle smiled slyly.

Yes, wellyou do never know what the future holds, she said.

21:27

President Trump Readies Deportation of Melania After Huge Fight At White House "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.

President Trump says he is beginning the preparations for deporting his wife, Melania, back to whatever third world shithole she comes from, according to official White House documents.

According to reports, Melania and President Trump had a bitter argument in the middle of the Oval Office, although the stories differ as to what caused the argument in the first place, with most sources stating that President Trump dislikes being referred to be his wife as President Cheeto.

Frankly, I think its a sweet term of endearment from a wife to her husband, said one anonymous staffer. He really is taking it the wrong way. Now, of course, when she refers to his penis as the Presidents little Cheeto Puff, that might be crossing a line. But still theyre married, youre supposed to work these things out.

President Trump said that he has been married enough times in his life, that ditching one more wont make much of a dent in his life.

21:26

After Record Number of Children Disappear, Man Arrested With 47 Kids Found Locked In His Basement "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MIAMI, Florida

A Florida man has been charged with felony kidnapping and attempted murder after authorities discovered 47 missing children locked in the basement of his home.

According to police, more than 50 children have been reported missing in Miami since last Monday, and police were at a loss about the disappearances, until a tip lead them to the home of Mario Wilson, 50. Police say that an anonymous call led them to them.

We have no idea who made the call, or how they knew where to find the children, but we are grateful, said police chief Mitch Rogers. We have found 47 of the 52 children reported missing. We are still hunting for the 5 remaining children, and at this point, we have no reason to consider them anything other than missing.

Wilson reportedly was luring children into his home with the prospect of watching an unreleased Pokemon movie, to which every child gleefully ran into the home. Inside, they were disappointed to find that it was just a VHS tape of old recorded episodes.

21:25

Parents Concerned By The Lack of Drugs Found Mixed In With Childrens Halloween Candy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BOSTON, MA

A large group of concerned parents say they are extremely disappointed in the lack of drugs found mixed into their childrens bags after trick-or-treating this year. They say the issue comes because of the scare-tactic posts and clickbait bullshit articles theyve seen posted on their social media pages.

Frankly, I was a little upset that Johnny only came home with a bag of candy, and there were no nugs of weed or gummy bears laced with ecstasy mixed in, said Maria Jones, 38. With all the articles you see floating around every year, and especially this year, I really expected something good to be in the bag. Its a huge letdown.

Frankly, I blame the junkies for all of this, said Chris Richards, 29. We have an increased amount of avid drug users in this city, and so many people are using, theres just nothing left to give the kids anymore during Halloween. It really sucks. My 7-year-old is pleased as shit about the M&Ms, but wheres my MDMA?!

City officials say that this Halloween, like every Halloween throughout history, went off without a hitch, and there were no reported razor blades, needles, or drugs given out during the citys trick-or-treating.

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Tuesday, 23 October

00:49

The Next Big Thing in Las Vegas Escorts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The escort industry is booming, and Las Vegas is the place where things really get hot. This is where you can come if you want runway escorts. The pretty girls that are considered statuesque are coming to Vegas, and they want to make sure that you have a great time. This is why so many people are considering this when they come to this area. When you visit Sin City you have all that you need to get the Las Vegas Asian escorts.

When you come to Las Vegas you are prepared to have a good time. It is easier when you have an escort to have a good time with. There is so much that you can do when you explore the city, but it always feels good to explore with a pretty girl on your arms. The thing about having fun in Vegas is that the party always seems better when you have someone to accompany you. There is no need for you to spend time alone when you can spend time with women that are already ready to have a great time.

There are a lot of business men that come to Las Vegas on business trips. They are not looking to meet a match and marry. They may just be looking for a Las Vegas fun experience that can provide them with a great evening of entertainment. These Las Vegas Escorts have a lot of energy, and they know the city well. They can lead you into some of the best night spots around, and this is always good if Vegas is not your home.

If you are not a native of Las Vegas there is a good chance that you are going to need someone that can help you navigate through the city. That is another reason why these runway escorts are so great. They already have an outline of what the city is about. They know about the places that you can go into and have a great time. This is what helps you carve out a great plan for your time in the sin city. You want to have access to all of the things that are going to make your trip to Nevada worth it.

For some people that go to Las Vegas they are looking for the next best thing. They may have dined at some of their favorite restaurants. Visitors that are coming into town may have also seen some great shows. There are a lot of entertainers that come to Vegas to have concerts and take up a...

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Sunday, 21 October

00:54

Powerful Pickup Strategies You Probably Arent Using "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Talking to women is something that can be overwhelming at first but you get better at it with practice. The first thing that you have to understand is that there is no way to be with every single women. There are going to be women that reject you regardless of how attractive you are and how respectfully that you approach her. But there are surefire ways to get dates with women who happen to be single. There are plenty of women who want men to approach them, but are too nervous to do anything. Thats why theres no shame in giving it a try.

If you want to know How to pickup chicks you should look at the location. You should use different tactics to talk to a woman that you would meet at a church from one that you might meet at a party. This is something that could be a talking point on your date and find great things that they get to find. There are a total amount of things that you could have a conversation about. Though, it could just be light topics when you actually go on the date. Use this method at your discretion.

There are somethings that you shouldnt say while introducing yourself to that woman. The first thing is that you shouldnt say anything degrading or misogynistic if its for comedic intent. If she has something that is cultural or deals with sensitive subject matter, you should avoid talking about that. You should make your intentions clear before you intend on going on a date with a woman. That will make sure that no one is upset when you decide to move forward. Its something that will save the both of you a lot of time. That is something that the both of you should want.

Pick-up lines seem to be the most popular method on How to pickup chicks. They are incredibly playful and humorous, which will set the mood. It will tell a little bit about yourself and usually, the cheesier the better. It is something that will make her laugh and will usually make her more comfortable with talking to you. Now if she likes it, you could continue talking to her or you could make arrangements for your date. The option is left up...

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Sunday, 30 September

23:11

BREAKING: President Trump Gives Full Pardon to Bill Cosby "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

President Trump has reportedly offered comedian Bill Cosby a full pardon, after the fallen star was found guilty of sexual assault and sentenced to 3 to 10 years in prison. Cosby, who is a lifelong friend of President Trump, could have spent his final days in prison had Trump not stepped in.

Bill is absolutely and without a doubt, innocent on all charges, said President Trump. I understand very well how our court system works. I probably understand better than anyone, but that doesnt matter. What matters is that I have met with Bill, we have spoken at length about the accusations against him, and I dont believe a word of them.

Over 60 women came forward to say that Bill Cosby had assaulted them, with many being drugged and raped while unconscious.

We all know women like to gab, and this is a perfect example of why I plan to lower the crimes associated with assault or rape, said Trump. Its obvious in this case that Bill had consensual sex with a woman who later regretted it, and then accused him of rape. Afterwards, of course, dozens of other women knew they could also try and make a dime off the publicity, and accused him as well. Its sickening truly sick how some people think.

Cosby, 81, will be allowed to leave prison on Monday as soon as the pardon is signed.

23:01

President Trump Vows To Lower Severity of Sexual Assault Crimes, Hopes To Make Them Ticketable Offenses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

President Trump said this morning during a press conference that the MeToo movement has gone too far, and that too many honest, hardworking men are being thrown under the bus with lies and malicious intent, and that he plans to spend the rest of his time in office working to reduce the severity of rape and sexual assault charges.

In this world that we live, many men are having their lives ruined by false allegations and exaggerated claims, and its time to put a stop to it, said President Trump. I myself have been wrongly accused of sexual assault, as have many of my close friends, and its sickening. Its terrifying to live as a man right now, and know that at any time, some woman who you may not even know could come forward and say that you forcibly kissed her, or groped her, or that you offered her money to sit on your face, and it could ruin your life. Its disgusting behavior on the part of these women.

Trump went on to say that he felt that the transgressions of young men, if they happen at all, should be forgotten or pushed aside based on the work theyve done and accomplished in the years since.

I will not comment publicly on whether or not I believe Brett Kavanaugh assaulted anyone, even though we all clearly know that he didnt, said President Trump. What I do know is that the accusations are destroying him and his family, and thats not right. Its for MeToo to go away quietly.

President Trump said that he hopes to pass new laws that would decrease the criminal statute that would imprison people like Bill Cosby, who was sentenced to 3-10 years for sexual assault, and instead would allow men who are found guilty to pay a sort of fine, or restitution to the plaintiff.

It  is my hope that my son can grow up in a world where no woman will ever accuse him of touching her inappropriately, whether he did or not, said Trump. I want to keep Making America Great Again, and at this point, this is my number one concern.

22:50

NFLs Carolina Panthers Officially Changes Their Name to Carolina Black Panthers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina  

The NFL has officially signed off on a name change request from the Carolina Panthers franchise, allowing the team to move forward with becoming the Carolina Black Panthers. The name request was submitted during the off-season, with NFL officials deliberating on the option.

We decided to let them go ahead and change the name, as well as the logo, said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. We understand their reasoning after all, the team is made up of predominantly African-American players and we cannot see any reason why this name change would cause any issues.

The new Black Panthers say that they will finish the season with their current attired and logos, and plan for a switch during the 2019 season.

We are very happy with the decision to allow this, said team owner Mario Lewis. I mean, Im not a black guy, but I think its a very powerful statement. I know tons of black people, some of my best friends are black. So this is my way of supporting them, and supporting this team. We really hope that this will bring the fans together, and show them that singular differences are always the most important.

22:36

Brett Kavanaugh Arrested After Night of Heavy Binge Drinking, Public Masturbation at D.C. Dive Bar "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

Brett Kavanaugh, who is currently under scrutiny for allegedly sexually assaulting several women decades ago while drunk in high school, was arrested last night after police were called to local Washington, D.C. dive bar Good Head.

Kavanaugh, who is trying to obtain a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court, was reportedly detained by security after he allegedly removed his penis from his pants, and begin vigorously masturbating in the busy bar, before urinating all over himself, falling into the fetal position, and crying.

When we arrived, Mr. Kavanaugh was beyond drunk, which from recent news reports, is perfectly in line with what we know about him, said police chief Mario Lewis. When we tried to detain him, Mr. Kavanaugh became unruly and violent, and assaulted two of my officers. A third officer was able to tase Mr. Kavanaugh before he caused any more harm or began masturbating again.

Bystanders say that police had to physically carry Kavanaugh from the bar, and that he was screaming and yelling and snarling the entire time. Kavanaugh was held overnight, and released on $20,000 bail.

22:16

Police Officer in Australia Was Beaten and Raped By a Wild Kangaroo "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A police office in Australia was hospitalized with several injuries after he was beaten and sexually assaulted by a wild kangaroo during the course of duty, reports Canberra newspaper The Canberra Times.

Via World News Daily Report:


The attack occurred at 2 am yesterday after police officers responded to residents who were alarmed by an intruder on their property.

Police officers arrived on the scene to find an extremely aggressive kangaroo and attempted to scare away the animal, without success.
He jumped on my partner, kicked him unconscious to the floor and started humping him and attempted to mate with him, Constable Pete Turnbull told reporters.

Constable Malcolm Rudd suffered from two cuts and a black eye as well as multiple concussions to the head after the kangaroo in heat attempted to mate with the officers head.

He was humping and rubbing his penis all over my partners face in a brutal fashion. I had to tase the animal or else he would have killed him Constable Pete Turnbull explained, visibly emotional.

It took several minutes before Constable Turnbull realized that his partner was in trouble as he was dealing with the residents who had called during the assault.

When he was lying unconscious on the ground, it was dark and I thought his head was covered in blood. Thankfully, it was mostly kangaroo sperm, Constable Turnbull told reporters in relief.


 

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Thursday, 05 October

13:23

Illegal Public Displays of Emotion (1970s Public Information) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


In Scarfolk, public displays of emotion were governed by draconian laws. Negative or even ambiguous feelings (such as curiosity and hesitation) were deemed seditious and on-the-spot fines and punishments were often meted out by police (and by the Council Christmas Boy during the season of good will).

Distress (see poster above), a broad term which included "psychological breakdown", "suffering personal injury or attack" and "tutting in a queue at the post office", was considered to be a criticism of the state and therefore treasonous.

The only emotional expression truly free of censure was, according to government guidelines, "an abiding, unmistakable demonstration of pride in Our Joyous State (even if that demonstration requires the forfeiture of one's pride - and/or physical body - for the sake of Our Joyous State)". By 1979, feelings such as scepticism and doubt had been declared acts of terrorism.

These laws permitted police to cast a wide net in their investigations and arrests. Even if citizens did manage to pass the stringent, invasive contentment examinations they were still eligible for arrest if their pets exhibited negative emotions. Records show that many people were detained because of their sulky dogs and there was even one case of an arrest due to a livid tortoise.

See also The Anti-Weeping Campaign, which was aimed at children.

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Thursday, 21 September

18:06

Lavaland Holiday Camp (1970-1970) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


Lavaland was a holiday camp on the outskirts of Scarfolk built around an active volcano, which had been designated an area of outstanding natural peril.


It opened on the first of May 1970 and closed on the first of May 1970, a mere eight hours after opening, following a catastrophic volcanic event that killed nearly three thousand guests and could be heard as far away as the bowling green in Torquay.



The Council's Tourism & Leisure Department claimed that the tragedy was a freak accident that could not have been predicted. It soon became apparent, however, that the victims were people the council had previously tried, unsuccessfully, to evict from the town: children born out of wedlock, foreigners, the poor, people with lisps, and women with ideas of their own, among others.



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Friday, 08 September

11:26

Laissezfaire Childcare (1978) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


In 1978, Scarfolk Health Council launched a campaign which exploited people's fear of children (especially those with uncontrolled supernatural powers), to normalise the idea of letting kids do whatever they want without censure.

It was no accident that the infants in the campaign's various posters were depicted smoking, drinking and licking chocolate-covered asbestos.

A 1979 magazine interview revealed that the campaign had been privately funded by Mrs Bottomlip, a pensioner who worked in the local cancer charity shop on Scarfolk High Street. Her reasons were largely personal. Apart from the fact that she enjoyed her part-time job and "wouldn't ever want it to end because one meets such lovely people and it gets me out of the house", her son worked for a cancer research institute. Mrs Bottomlip was concerned that he, along with a whole generation of scientists and support staff, could find themselves out of work unless the number of people developing cancer was maintained, or preferably raised.

For her support of cancer research, the institute presented her with an award, which, unbeknownst to science at the time, was made from highly carcinogenic materials. 

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Friday, 01 September

12:13

Play Safe Public Information Campaign (1979) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

 

While the state frequently warned children about the dangers of playing on icy ponds, near electrical substations and in open-air, biological weapons laboratories, it failed to take into consideration the decade's plethora of science fiction films and TV programmes, which inspired space-themed games up and down the country.

Scarfolk children, who were known to take greater risks during play, initiated an unfortunate trend that started claiming lives. In 1977, two schoolboys from Scarfolks Junior Indoctrination Facility dared each other to endure the harsh extremities of space. Their corpses were eventually located drifting a few hundred miles from earth by tracking the surveillance devices that had been implanted in their frontal lobes at birth.

Concerned parents demanded that the state act immediately. Two years later, (and only after the government realised its child labour factories were losing a steady flow of under-10s), a public information campaign was launched which warned minors about leaving the earth's atmosphere (see poster above). Scarfolk Council also laid many miles of high-altitude, electrified fencing to repel innocent children who might unwittingly stray into outer space.

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Sunday, 27 August

10:55

Scargos Mail-Order Catalogue (1977) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

[click to enlarge]

Mail-order catalogues were very popular in the 1970s, so much so that Scarfolk Council carefully monitored them to ensure all the products promoted and maintained the state's social agendas.

Anybody who contravened the attitude regulations of the day was shipped to a makeshift island three miles off the coast and enrolled in reeducation classes that employed electrodes and toxin-dipped knitting needles as teaching aids.

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Thursday, 17 August

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Friday, 04 August

12:42

The Gullibility Campaign (1976) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


In 1976, the government informed citizens that gullibility was a contagious disease. The Dept. of Health warned that it was spread through the handling of so-called 'clever books' or by talking to people who were not approved by the state. Libraries, bookshops and schools closed overnight.

The department also disseminated the notion that gullibility could be inadvertently caught by coming into contact with airborne ideas. People were told to stay at home. One leaflet read: "All the information you will ever need will be presented to you via the state-controlled newspaper The Scarfolk Mail and the one and only state-run TV channel, which is decontaminated daily."

When the Dept. of Health realised just how successful the campaign was, it added that gullibility also led sufferers to forget serious crimes they had previously committed. This permitted the council to impose hefty fines and other arbitrary punishments (see poster above).

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Wednesday, 19 July

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Wednesday, 07 June

23:43

Buttcoin is pooped. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This blog is now in archive-only mode! We have new outlets for expressing our excitement and contempt for all forms of cryptocurrency now!

You can follow us and laugh along with Bitcoin and other cryptocurrency projects on our twitter, @Buttcoin.

You can also talk with other global banking shills on our subreddit, /r/Buttcoin.

While we are officially putting the blog out to pasture, Buttcoin is not dead. We still hate you all.

The post Buttcoin is pooped. appeared first on Buttcoin Foundation.

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Thursday, 01 June

15:59

Tennis Australia Confirms All Tennis Courts to be Renamed as Tennis Goolagongs "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a unprecedented move, Tennis Australia has taken the initiative in light of the backlash against Margaret Courts widely publicised stance on gay marriage by renaming all tennis courts across the nation as tennis goolagongs.

We didnt want to be associated with any of Margaret Courts homophobia, said a spokeperson for Tennis Australia. We noticed a huge drop of tennis being played over the last few days purely because tennis court shares its name with Margaret Court. So something had to be done.

Evonne Goolagong is a perfect replacement she won a bunch of majors, isnt racist or homophobic and isnt a raving lunatic, added the spokesperson. Plus tennis goolagong is just more fun to say.

In addition, there have been concerns voiced by World No.1 Andy Murray that tennis players trying to boycott Margaret Court Arena at the Australian Open would cause scheduling chaos.

It is believed that the short priced favourite amongst punters is the replacement name Tina Arenas Tiny Arena.

Margaret Court was contacted for this story, but has yet to make any official comment.  After she stated that she would not fly Qantas due to their stance on gay marriage, apparently she has been out of contact while flying back from Perth on her broomstick.

 

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Wednesday, 17 May

01:28

BUSTED: If You Google obama is an american citizen, his birth certificate is real, and he is not a lizard person, NOTHING COMES UP "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Every good independent researcher knows that Google.com is the EPITOME OF RESEARCH.

I use Google nearly every day. Its great for finding even the most obscure information, like how to claim the warranty on a burner phone thats been prematurely tossed into the ocean. Today, I sought out Google to study the theory that Obama is an american citizen, his birth certificate is real, and he is not a lizard person, I never thought it could be this obvious, but heres what Google returned:

No results found for obama is an american citizen, his birth certificate is real, and he is not a lizard person

UNBELIEVABLE. If this very same site was able to retrieve 15,000 results for hillary clinton sex traffic ring, the absence of information about Obama is more than just a red flag. Its a red flag with the words I FUCKING KNEW IT printed on it.

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But I didnt have the money to customize & order the flag because I was appealing the  burner phone warranty claim that was UNJUSTLY denied. If huge answers like this are sitting right in front of my internet browser, waiting just for a simple Google search to be uncovered, what else could I find? The answer: way more information than I was ready for. The same night, I performed all of the following searches (multiple times to be sure):

If I vaccinate my children, theres absolutely no way they will develop autism

ISIS was NOT created as a special US program to topple the Syrian government

7-Eleven had nothing to do with the 9-Eleven attacks

None of these yield...

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Tuesday, 16 May

02:50

EXPOSED: Me In The Wal-Mart Parking Lot "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Lets REALLY crack the lid open on THIS one: THE CLOTHES HIDING MY NUDE BODY.

The modesty (and regular) police have stepped in to shut down the art that is the human body. Yours truly, a sovereign citizen, has been arrested for indecent exposure. Well I say that it was perfectly decent, so decent that I am often complimented on it.

So, no, excuse YOU, officer! The sign says No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service it speaks nothing about pants! I once saw a woman take her breast out in public and force a baby to suck on it! Now that is an affront to decency! What a double standard.

Sure, I may have been high on paint fumes from making a Wake Up Sheeple sign in my poorly ventilated garage when I went to Wal-Mart to buy more spray paint. And yes, I may have been kicked out of that Wal-Mart for, as the police report states, rambling incoherently, trying to eat bird seed, and removing his sweatpants & underwear. But that doesnt give you the right to stop me from expressing myself!

I thought progressives believed in full expression of the human spirit? Hypocrites.

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If I am perfectly free to text a photo of my genitals to anonymous women on Tinder I dont know why I cant give them a live show as they load groceries into their Prius. I thought we, as a culture, dont see gender anymore? So how could the physical expression of my gender possibly offend anyone when technically it was invisible to Liberal eyes?

I yelled at them to explain that but nobody would look at me. Cowards.

This is all a liberal witch hunt! The nazis that run my town have been waiting for me to slip up even in the slightest. I bet if I was a black transgendered lesbian the workers at Subway would have applauded when I pressed my naked ass against their window.

And to the college girls who laughed at me before my arrest I will have you know that the human body is a beautiful thing, no matter what shape and size.

Why else would Dove make those small shampoo bottles if not to celebrate my penis?

For more information about EXPOSING LIES (AND PENISES), follow on Facebook at...

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Monday, 15 May

00:06

What Isnt Chelsea Clinton Telling Us About 1998 Rush Hour Kidnappings? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Put another scandal on the board for the Clintons. This one could be bigger than Benghazi.

In the original investigation of the 1998 Rush Hour kidnapping, POC special agent James Carter spells out ONE name: Chelsea Clinton. The first and only known demon-spawn of Shillary and Slick Willie Clinton.

Watch the documentary footage of the hostage negotiation below.

Man, who you think you kidnapped, Chelsea Clinton?!

That is some serious codewords folks. Anyone who has ever valued a blue life will know that that translates directly to Chelsea Clinton Is Our Main Suspect. You dont even need to be an operator in the forces to know that one! All the indicators are right there.

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If thats not bad enough, imagine how China feels about this. They have to watch Chelsea Clinton run for president (its gonna happen, folks!) knowing that she still has their Consuls daughter chained up in the basement of a Comet Ping Pong, only being let out when someone orders the Sushi Pizza (WHICH IS ALSO CODE FOR UNSPEAKABLE CRIMES AGAINST CHILDREN)

Even more disturbing? Chelsea Clinton was born in 1980, which means she was BARELY AN ADULT when she pulled this stunt off. Imagine how powerful she has become in the years since especially if she has been harvesting life force from the Consuls daughter, which is obviously likely considering her moms connection to John Podesta and his goat blood fetish that PROBABLY INVOLVES CHILDREN.

So why hasnt there been a full scale investigation? Probably because Mommy and Daddy have been pulling the strings on the whole world. Thats why Hillary lost the election, she didnt have enough time...

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Friday, 12 May

03:29

WHITE GENOCIDE? Three Black Guys My Sister Has Dated "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Most folks in the CUCK, GLOBALIST, SHELLFISH-AVOIDING mainstream media dont believe that White Genocide is a real problem.

Really? Heres proof that it isthree African-American men who attempted to dilute and destroy my familys glorious Aryan bloodline by going out with my sister:

NUMBER ONE
Tyrone Wilson Tyrone goes to college during the day then works at the dry cleaners down the street from my house at night, and I DONT TRUST HIM. He also listens to hip hop, and even owns an early 1980s car! Every time I go to pick up my clothes down the street, he smiles this big toothy smile at me that gives me goosebumpsAnd apparently seduces my sister into annihilating the White Race!

NUMBER TWO
Dave ChappelleComedian, actor, and writer Dave Chappelle briefly dated my sister in the summer of 2003 and, let me tell you, it was NO LAUGHING MATTER. When it came to my familys pure blood and European culture, let me tell you, he was really KILLING EM SOFTLY.

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NUMBER THREE
Marcus HowardMy sister and Marcus met on Match.com over a shared love of Italian food and 70s movies. Things got really serious between them, and after two short months they moved into a cozy little apartment together and bought a cat. But when Marcus was offered a lucrative job at a business consulting firm in Hong Kong, they both decided he was too young to give up the opportunity to save their relationship. I think it was the only time my sister was TRULY IN LOVE.

All examples of attempted White Genocide that were COVERED UP by the PROGRESSIVE MEDIA. Their corporate lackeys have scared my sister so much that she REFUSES to talk to me about it anymore.

For more information about MY BEAUTIFUL WHITE SISTER, follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang.





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Thursday, 11 May

04:07

CONSPIRACY: Vegenaise is HORSE CUM "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I may have uncovered the greatest corporate conspiracy yet: vegan mayonnaise designated Vegenaise is secretly HORSE SEMEN. IVE DONE THE RESEARCH.

Mayonnaise is my primary food source next to Mountain Dew and Taquitos (provided they are microwave safe and not made by actual Mexicans.) I eat it straight out of the jar to gain strength, stamina and virility. So any bastardization of my beloved favorite food offends me to no end, especially if that bastardization was created by GODLESS VEGANS. After extensive testing and speculation I have finally figured out whats in this mysterious substance vegans call a mayonnaise substitute. Lets review the facts:

  1. Vegans dont eat Mayonnaise or anything patriotic.
  2. Vegans want animals to be happy despite GODS PLAN for them to be sad food
  3. Vegenaise is viscous and salty

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There is only one super obvious conclusion here: VEGENAISE IS HORSE CUM. Look, there is nothing vegans like more than making sure animals are happier than me. Every time a vegan father pets a dog it is a PERSONAL AFFRONT to my un-patted head. (And every time a football coach pets a goat it is a PERSONAL AFFRONT to my unpatted butt, DARRYL!) Vegans want to please animals in every way possible. Thats the ONLY explanation for why I picture a vegan woman sensually massaging horses every night when Im trying to sleep. I know it. Thats why I conducted a taste test.

I tasted various materials from lead paint, white out, rubber cement, horse cum, almond milk, and the topical cortisone cream for that thing I have. Then I compared their tastes to regular mayonnaise and Vegenaise. It was VERY difficult to stomach these substances, ESPECIALLY the almond milk. But I did it to prove a point. And that point is that Vegenaise is definitely horse cum. From a palom...

Wednesday, 10 May

04:40

OK, Womans Equality: Where is MY Gynecologist? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If youlike a few old friends of minehave been living alone in a rusted out 1986 Ford Taurus for decades, then let me bring you up to speed. Women have been increasingly complain-y about something called EQUALITY. Basically, FEMINISTS are saying men AND women should be equal

Today Im writing to let you everyone know Ive devised an experiment to shut down this insane idea once and for all. I, a VIRILE PENIS-HAVING man, attempted to get WOMENS SERVICES from a WOMAN DOCTOR (gynecologist for my degreed readers).

Here are some of the things I tried:

Planned Parenthood is basically the Mecca (OH NO) of liberal female healthcare. The terrible organization nevertheless ADVERTISES SERVICES TO VULNERABLE MEN like STD and cancer screenings. HOWEVER, when I called them to ask about these man services, all they told me was stop screaming.

STRIKE ONE.

The next day I went to a local womens clinic. Another equality sham. No matter how many times I asked, they WOULD NOT give me an abortion. Now, OBVIOUSLY I am against abortion (my view is that all women should have sex with me but also be punished for it), but I did this FOR SCIENCE. So much for men=women, eh?

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STRIKE TWO.

Finally, I went to the office of a gynecologist and ran in with my penis in hand. AFTER EVERYONE FINISHED CLAPPING I was told there was nothing medical they could do for it. Okay maybe part of that one was made up, but I think what it tells up about womens equality is still useful.

STRIKE THREE. ALRIGHT, EQUALITY, YOURE OUT.

Was there really any questions of this? If men and women have different doctors then how can they have SAME RIGHTS? Its Adam and Eve, not Adam and ADAM (this makes sense if you think about it!!) CHECKMATE, Feminists.

For more information about UNFAIR GENDER EQUALITY, follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang.






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