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Thursday, 19 April

16:00

Police to introduce controversial Stop and Deport "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In an effort to curb black British citizens committing paperwork crime, police have been given controversial stop and deport powers to use on anyone that looks like theyre not directly descended from King Arthur.

Were not targeting any one community in particular. said one police boss, Well apart from the black one of course. If we suspect someone is walking our streets without their passport, birth certificate and thirty years of detailed tax records, then they will be stopped. Unless theyre white, and then they wont be stopped. Well, they could be. he warned, but they wont be, he reassured.

We dont want to alarm certain communities, but this lack of paperwork has got to stop. We cant have feral packs of law-abiding, hard-working adults roaming the streets, trying to get healthcare and such things without giving the Home Office 400 pages of paperwork and 1500 quid, said the Chief Constable.

Amber Rudd said that only Britons that her department decided were actually Britons would be allowed to stay in Britain. Basically anyone that doesnt regularly wear Union Jack undies, doesnt love massive queues, and cant recite at least 20 lines of dialogue from Zulu is in big danger.

As well as the Windrush Britons, all people of foreign background are now under suspicion, with a Home Office van seen leading an elderly couple away from a central London palace for questioning about their right to be here.

15:43

The all-time greatest visit to a McDonalds ever "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

No matter how many times youve been (and were aware the answer to that might be never) youve never had a visit to McDonalds quite like this one.

Supersized just doesnt do this 10-part story justice.

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The post The all-time greatest visit to a McDonalds ever appeared first on The Poke.

15:30

Clean Bedroom Excited to Meet Potential Sexual Partner "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BOISE, Idaho The freshly cleaned bedroom of local woman Megan OLeary is anxiously excited to meet OLearys potential sexual partner later this evening, sources close to the home confirmed.

I know romance is on the horizon whenever Megan cleans the piles of Celeste pizza cardboard leftover from countless nights of watching Netflix alone, reported the bedroom, which prefers to be called the Sizzle Suite. She must be really optimistic she cleaned the sheets for the first time since she bought them two years ago.

The bedroom admitted to a new-found sense of pride since the overhaul.

I mean, I am where the magic happens, after all, said the bedroom, shining in the sunlight. This place just has a different feel to it when its vacuumed you can go barefoot without worrying about all the gunk thatll stick to you. Shes even busted out a candle to cover up some of the smells.

However, the bedroom admitted its worry that OLeary and her mystery guest could eventually become serious.

I hope whoever he or she is doesnt have a bedroom nicer than me or one closer to Megans office. Id never see anyone, said the bedroom. Id be stuck here just looking after the cat all day, and that thing is a piece of shit.

For their part, OLearys roommates were also excited to have the bedroom cleaned up.

Related:

Whenever we suddenly have a shit-ton of clean bowls in the cabinet, you know Megan finally got to all the old dishes just sitting by her nightstand, said roommate Thomas Chu. Yeah, all the junk she cleans out usually overstuffs our trash can, and the garbage guys wont take anything outside the barrel, but at least its in the right location.

Once finished, OLeary admitted to her own satisfaction with the immaculate bedroom.

Its nice to not feel so cluttered. My mother is coming tomorrow, and I wanted to make sure everything looked good, said OLeary. Shes always been judgmental. If she saw what my room looked like before...

15:01

When you offer someone a lift to work and they take it the wrong way. Really wrong "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It started off when this woman offered a guy a lift to work and it ended up just one more case study to be filed under No good deed

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Say sorry for leading me on

This never happened on Car Share. At least, we dont think so.

Source

The post When you offer someone a lift to work and they take it the wrong way. Really wrong appeared first on The Poke.

14:41

Man rescues bird and 15 minutes later wishes he hadnt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres BBC reporter Matt Graveling who did the decent thing when he spotted an injured bird lying by the side of the road.

He picked it up and put it in his car.

Except it didnt take long for him to regret it. 15 minutes, in fact.

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14:16

And takedown of the day goes to "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You might have seen the very funny spoof Twitter account called British Milk Council which is worth 5 minutes of your time all by itself.

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14:02

Someones found absolute peak Lib Dem "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Polly Mackenzie, former right hand woman to Nick Clegg, is naturally very excited about the governments new crusade against plastic. Quite right too.

Except in claiming credit for the Lib Dems in pushing through the original 5p plastic bag charge when they were in coalition with the Tories, she had this to say.

Except it wasnt quite the end of the story.

14:00

Wow! This Coffee Shop Uses La Croix For Pour Over And You Actually Believed This You Hipster Scum "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The internet is buzzing with excitement over the next new craze in the coffee world: pour over coffee made entirely with flavored La Croix sparkling water. The creation, named Caffe la Croix, is making waves in the coffee world, except that it isnt, because the trend doesnt exist. I made it up. You believed this, didnt you? Youre such hipster scum.

Mary Greene, proprietor and manager of Roast Yrself Bean Coffee in Austin, TX, is the originator of the new trend. Dont get excited, her shop is really named Marys Coffee, you affluent, gullible millennial. I bet you own a Supreme hat.

I got the idea while rereading High Fidelity in my $3,800 loft studio apartment, recounted Greene. So while I was simultaneously drinking a Pamplemousse La Croix and an El Salvadorian single origin dark roast, I had a thought. What would these taste like combined?

After a thoughtful pause, Mary continued. The answer is: disgusting. No one should ever try. I didnt. Its not a thing humans should do. Get over yourself. I actually live in an affordable house in Hutto and I think Nick Hornby is mindless drivel. I would never read that shit. Stop taking Instagram pictures at Pitchfork Festival.

Related: We Did a Blind Taste Test to See If These Hipsters Could Tell the Difference Between Pour-Over Coffee and a Big Spicy Tuna Melt

 

Frequent patron Jacques Couturier described his first Cafe la Croix experience:

It never happened, because Cafe la Croix isnt real, described Couturier. So take your trust fund money, start an indie-synth band, begin crafting free-trade vegan suspenders, and get the fuck away from me, you pretentious asshole. I will beat the shit out of anyone who describes anything as postmodern within earshot of me. And for the record, my name is just John, you twat.

Experts in the boutique coffee industry predict that the sun will render the Earths surface uninhabitable in about 1 billion years, effectively erasing any possibility of this trend that never existed and incinerating your obnoxious, vapid, life.

Article by John Danek @jjdanek

Wanna support The Hard Times? Buy one of our t-shirts!

13:29

Theresa Mays former right hand man went for the she was on holiday defence and here are the only 8 responses you need "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theresa Mays former joint chief of staff Nick Timothy has defended the prime ministers role in those hideous go home or face arrest vans of a few years ago.

You remember the ones.

They are back in the spotlight in the wake of the Windrush scandal and now the PMs former right hand man he quit after the disastrous 2017 election has said that, actually, they were nothing to do with May (despite her being Home Secretary at the time).

And this, he says, is why.

Here are the only 8 responses you need.

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13:00

I was coming out of the junction anyway, confirms Audi driver "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An Audi driver who you helpfully flashed to come out of a busy junction onto a main road in front of you in rush hour traffic this morning, was going to come out anyway, it has been confirmed.

The rapid double flash of your headlights, autopilot-like deceleration and changing down of gears that you always do at that particular junction, as you want to let at least one fellow commuter out if you can, was neither necessary or welcomed, the arrogant middle-manager (sales) has indicated through his lack of a wave at you, and the absence of any camaraderie-building quick left-right-left on his indicators.

In fact, Id already started to emerge from the junction well before you flashed, and would have done so even if youd been going twice the speed, as my time is more important than yours., confirmed the driver by accelerating gratuitously hard to get up to the 15 mile an hour speed of other drivers of the main road and then studiously ignoring any eye-contact with you in his mirror for the rest of your journey.

The Audi driver has confirmed that he will see you in your local petrol station on Sunday evening as usual, when he will be just in front of you, but will refuse to move up to the forward-most petrol pump of 2, to allow you to simultaneously use the one behind.

12:00

Remainerland novel imagines a world where Remain won "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Popular novelist Robert Harris, author of such counterfactual bestsellers as Fatherland, which imagines the world after a Nazi victory, has applied the same methodology to last years EU referendum.

Over the next few weeks and months Harris has them advance all the arguments they actually have in reality, saying that such a narrow victory wasnt enough, and really a two-thirds majority was required for such a major decision. Moreover, they said one shouldnt read too much into what the public thought on a particular day, so we ought to have a second vote a year or so later to see if we still felt the same way.

Finally, what about all those who didnt vote? Maybe they wanted to leave the EU but for some reason never got around to saying so, in which case choosing to remain would fly in the face of what we imagine their wishes were.

This passage has caused much controversy amongst Remain-voting critics, one of whom said: Dont be ridiculous, Im just saying all that because we lost. If wed won, Id have said Thank God for that, now lets never ask the ghastly plebs what they think about anything again. In fact, lets not even have elections if we can help it.

The controversy has led to disappointing sales for the novel, though Harris pointed out that if you include in his tally all the people who didnt buy any books at all, hed be top of the bestseller lists. Some Leave supporters have described the whole scenario as fanciful as the vote was inevitable but Harris said: Remain won, my book is a bestseller, get over it. And if you little snowflakes dont stop whinging about it, Ill write it on the side of a bus and then youll have to believe me.

YaBasta

12:00

True Neutral Woman Considers Herself Chaotic Good "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ROCHESTER, N.Y. Local roleplaying enthusiast Susan Warburton, confirmed to be true neutral on the alignment chart by close friends and family, considers herself to be chaotic good, an unpredictable force who fights for the wellbeing of others, according to close sources.

Im pretty crazy, but at least I always try to be a good person, Warburton told reporters, who had already spoken to a multitude of people close to her, each of which independently stated that Warburton is not a particularly good or bad person, but also downright boring. I was playing D&D recently and, me being me, I decided to be totally random and figure out what my real life alignment is. Definitely a chaotic good!

Like heres an example: I love to travel. I actually have not gone on vacation in a few years, but I did spend a weekend at the Niagara Falls this past summer, and I noticed that the Canadian side of the park is far cleaner than the American side, and it made me pretty bummed out! Thats just the kind of fascinating stuff I notice every day, explained Warburton, repeating the exact same sentiment as the other thirty million people who visit the Niagara Falls each year.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:


Those who know Warburton well have stated that they do not have the heart to reveal to her the reality of her real-life roleplaying alignment.

I absolutely love Susan, but shes so predictable, you could replace her with an algorithm, said Warburtons longtime girlfriend Renee Dawson. And Im definitely not saying shes a bad person. I just wouldnt go out on a limb and d...

11:39

Achieve inner peace by practicing Bloody-Mindedness "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Becoming more aware of where you are and what youre doing, by becoming overly reactive to the f*ckwits surrounding you.

Bloody-Mindedness is a natural quality that we all have. Its available to us in every moment if we take the time to appreciate it. When we practice Bloody Mindedness were practicing the art of creating space for ourselvesspace to think, space to breathe, space to frustrate, obstruct and p*ss-off others, just because we can, thereby relieving that inner tension which builds up in us all.

Some things to consider before practicing Bloody-Mindedness:

You dont need to buy anything. You can practice anywhere, theres no need to go out and buy a special cushion or benchall you need is to devote a little time and space to accessing your Bloody Mindedness skills every day.

How to Practice Bloody-Mindedness:

1. Take a seat. Find a place to sit that feels calm and quiet to you, and blocks an important entrance, exit or right of way for others.
2. Dont set a time limit. If youre just beginning, it can help to choose a short time, such as 5 or 10 hours.
3. Notice your body. You can sit in a chair with your feet on the floor, you can sit loosely cross-legged, but dont do anything poncey like assuming the lotus posture, or kneeling. Just make sure you are stable and in a position designed to cause the maximum inconvenience for others.
4. Feel your breath. Follow the sensation of your breath as it goes out and as it goes in, speeding up to match your increasing blood-pressure.
5. Notice when your mind has wandered. Inevitably, your attention will leave the sensations of the breath and wander to other places, like that daft git with the stupid haircut and arse hanging out of his jeans. When you get around to noticing thisin a few seconds, a minute, five minutessimply let out a long sigh, and mutter under your breath oh, for f*ck sake.
6. Be kind to your wandering mind. Dont judge yourself, but do judge others, at length and in detail. Just keep doing it, whenever you find yourself at a loose end in public. Youll feel so much better.

Thats it! Thats the practice. You f*ck off, you come back, and you try to do it as unpleasantly as possible.

11:29

This cautionary tale about a late takeaway curry went viral because it had a lesson for us all "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The estimable @mooseallain had a story to tell on Twitter and lots of people shared it because it had a twist and a moral at the end of it.

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11:11

What the world map sounds like on a piano "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This is very clever what someones done here, and genuinely surprising.

(via)

Perfect. Although some people thought it could have been even better.

Goodness knows what they should have put over the UK. Your thoughts in the comments on social media, please!

Source

The post...

10:55

Shorten Unwinds Like Any Other Aussie Bloke Over A 425ml Glass Of Brewed Cereal Grains "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Leader of the Opposition, Bill Shorten, has today proven that despite a 30-year-career of political bureaucracy and media training, he is in fact just like the rest of us. After wrapping up a press conference / heavily documented conversation with local workers, the Labor Party leader decided to do what it is []

The post Shorten Unwinds Like Any Other Aussie Bloke Over A 425ml Glass Of Brewed Cereal Grains appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:52

Doncaster Council had the perfect response when this happened "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This is why Doncaster is our new favourite Metropolitan Borough Council (not a phrase we use often).

And it didnt end there a thread in 15 parts.

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10:29

Richard!!! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nice spot by @Becca_DP on Twitter.

How do you pronounce it again?

Source

The post Richard!!! appeared first on The Poke.

10:23

Chris Packham watched Alien: Covenant and started to pick holes in the plot "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Everyones favourite birder and all-round wildlife good egg Chris Packham settled down to watch pisspoor horror prequel Alien: Covenant and started to pick holes in the plot.

There are probably lots of bits the entire thing which dont make sense, but Packham had a particular bone to pick with Ridley Scott.

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More fool him for watching it twice, we say.

10:11

I love cow. Do you love cow too? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As spotted by @OwsWills on Twitter.

Once read, never unread.

Separate but related

Source

The post I love cow. Do you love cow too? appeared first on...

09:51

Turnbull Attempts To Feel Disgusted At Banking Royal Commissions Findings "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has laughed off the suggestion that he pretended to be horrified at the Royal Commissions findings this afternoon, telling reporters he always thought the banking sector was all above board. I can assure you, when I was a banker, things were a lot different, said Malcolm Turnbull this afternoon in []

The post Turnbull Attempts To Feel Disgusted At Banking Royal Commissions Findings appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:23

Slav Mate Whips Out Different Nationalities Depending On Who Hes Talking To "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Slav by the name of Luka has today switched back to being Serb, after switching between several different Eastern European nationalities at a party last night. Despite the fact that the 27-year-old car detailer from Betootas Flight Path District, was overheard trying to suss out mutual friends or relatives with []

The post Slav Mate Whips Out Different Nationalities Depending On Who Hes Talking To appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:30

Dale Winton: a life in clips and our favourite tribute to the presenter who has died aged 62 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TV presenter Dale Winton has died aged 62.

Here are a selection of the many tributes being paid to the great man along with some of favourite clips beginning with, well, what else?

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07:48

Banking Royal Commission Questions Ethics Around Letting Drunk Idiots Use Paywave At Pub "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Royal Commission into Misconduct in the Banking, Superannuation and Financial Services Industry has announced today that banks could come under fire for letting pissed morons use PayWave when paying for 13 jagerbombs. The Royal Commission into banks has already heard horror stories about predatory lending and dodgy financial advice, and Commissioner []

The post Banking Royal Commission Questions Ethics Around Letting Drunk Idiots Use Paywave At Pub appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:33

Man Faces Oxygen Theft Charges After Being Accused Of Crime During Heated Facebook Argument "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular local motocross enthusiast is tonight facing charges for a string of unsolved oxygen thefts in recent years after being accused of the crimes on social media. Johnny Butler, third cousin to famous rock-folk troubadour John Butler, took to Facebook earlier this week to publically call out Mark []

The post Man Faces Oxygen Theft Charges After Being Accused Of Crime During Heated Facebook Argument appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:00

Column: Alan Jones Guide To Being A Cook "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Having hired Mark Latham our culinary columnist,  then fired him that afternoon, The (un)Australian has found his replacement in Lathams just published cookbook co-author and friend, radio broadcaster Alan Jones.

Even though I am a very busy man and a very important person, I know the value of sitting down to a good home cooked meal. Over the years I have picked up many recipes and I enjoy nothing more than sitting back in the kitchen and bellowing instructions to my butler on how to cook them.

For the readers today I am going to teach you how to cook a dish that I came up with called a Non-halal Snack Pack /. It is not to be confused with anHalal Snack Pack. That is an abomination that I think we can all agree has caused nothing but trouble for the peo...

05:31

Local Girl So Bad With Guys Even Russian Hackers Have Stopped Looking At Her Messages "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Shelley Adams (23) is the definition of unlucky in love, not only does she miss important social cues from romantic prospects, but she also cant get her tone right in text messages. Right now Shelleys going through a particularly dry patch, so much so that very little of her digital footprint has []

The post Local Girl So Bad With Guys Even Russian Hackers Have Stopped Looking At Her Messages appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:38

Correlation Found Between Blokes Height And Likelihood Of Punching On Outside Maccas "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

KENT REGINALD | Body and Soul | CONTACT A multi-billion dollar United Nations-sanctioned scientific study, comprising of millions of individual participants across the world and from all walks of life, has today finally confirmed that there is a definite correlation between how short a human man is, and how likely that man is to start a fight outside his []

The post Correlation Found Between Blokes Height And Likelihood Of Punching On Outside Maccas appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:38

Could Legalising Cannabis And Taxing It Fix The NBN? Barnaby Joyce Says Whatever "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The former Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce was asked by our reporters this morning via mobile telephone if legalising could find the troubled NBN infrastructure and rollout who which he said, Please leave me alone, I dont care anymore. Barnaby Joyce, a popular Coalition backbencher, said that itd probably help with the funding []

The post Could Legalising Cannabis And Taxing It Fix The NBN? Barnaby Joyce Says Whatever appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:05

ARU To Replace Qantas With Westboro Baptist Church As Major Sponsor "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Westboro-Baptist-Church-demonstrations

Following the controversial remarks of Wallabies player Israel Folau, the ARU has announced that they will be replacing their naming rights sponsor Qantas with a brand that better reflects Folaus views, the Westboro Baptist Church.

Its a difficult situation we find ourselves in having to balance the beliefs of our player with the beliefs of our sponsors, said an ARU Spokesperson. But ultimately it is the players who make this game, not the suits so we decided to back our player and embrace his beliefs and the people at the Westboro Baptist Church jumped on board to help us move forward.

Asked whether the controversial Church with its extreme anti-gay stance could be a detriment for rugby union in Australia, the spokesperson replied: Have you seen our ratings and attendances lately? We cant do more damage to the brand than what weve done t...

00:55

Peace in Middle East after lab-grown pork ruled kosher "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Decades of warfare and conflict in Palestine have ended completely and suddenly after a leading rabbi ruled that pork product cultured in a laboratory could be considered kosher because the animals identity has been lost. Political observers are now hoping that an Islamic scholar can be persuaded to declare artificial pig meat halal, after which peace will break out everywhere in the Middle East.

As an Orthodox fundamentalist, I believe that Yahweh gifted the Land of Israel to the Jews for all time, said Baruch Levy, an Israeli settler on the Golan Heights. But on the other hand, mmmm, bacon sandwiches. And I can even put cheese sauce on chops, apparently. I feel such a klutz for getting so angry with the Palestinians all these years. West Bank, schmest Bank, let them have it, I say.

Shiite theologian Hussain Talalbani from the holy city of Karbala in Iraq said that he will study the Quran closely for any indications of whether products created in a test tube to resemble cloven-hoofed animals are deemed to have a cloven hoof as a result. In the interim, Shiites must continue to view Sunni Muslims as murderers of the twelfth Imam and lower than beetle droppings at the Dead Sea although on the other hand, Parma ham.

Radicalised youth are reportedly in two minds. The Zionists, on whom be the curse of Allah, stole my grandfathers olive groves and my family has lived in poverty ever since, said Said Jaffar, an 18-year-old trainee suicide bomber living in a refugee camp in Gaza. I shall continue to throw stones at their tanks every day until I become a holy martyr with 72 doe-eyed virgins to shag on my own cloud every day, or I can eat a sausage bap, whichever happens first.

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Archiver

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Resource generated at IndyWatch using aliasfeed and rawdog