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Wednesday, 15 August

14:30

Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your leadership skills will be of use this week, Aries. Tell your frontman that you guys are playing the song you wrote, or youre going to quit. If theres one way to get someone to see where youre coming from, its a rigid ultimatum. Believe in yourself.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Long distance love may be in your future, Taurus. That cutie you met at the show last night wrote their number on your leg after you passed out. Skip the shower. Or just write it down, whatevers easier.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Congrats Gemini you share a sign with Morrissey! A connection with your sun sign brother is in the cards, so be sure to keep buying tickets to his gigs in case he actually shows up one of these days.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Make sure to set some boundaries, Cancer. Just because your practice space has air conditioning doesnt mean you should start a band with all 46 people who asked if you wanna start a band since that last heat wave.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Youve been celebrating your birthday since last month, but its finally here, Leo! Dont forget the people who helped you get here: your mom for giving birth to you, your dad whose neglect made you the punk you are, and your bassist, who always lets you rummage through that big-ass bag of stale, traditional cake donuts they tried to throw out after his shift at Krispy Kreme.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Let your natural knack for maintaining order and being hard on others work in your favor this week, Virgo. Shoot your drummers song idea down immediately, and keep practice moving along with a super-aggressive, Next!

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Some say that Libras sugary sweetness is a tool often used for deception. Whether or not thats true, you should realize that no matter how much you flirt with the booker, youre not getting more than $6 to split between the band.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
An opportunity to utilize your resources will present itself to you this week, Scorpio, when an empty Gatorade bottle thats been in your room for months will suddenly be noticed the minute you start contemplating whether you should get up to pee. Everything happens for a reason. Look for signs.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Youre doing great, and your style is amazing, and everyone wants to kiss you this week, Sag. Stock up on breath mints, because youre about to have a very busy month. And, also, because your mouth is disgusting. Look to floss. Some of it comes in cool flavors, like cinnamon. So thats kind of exciting.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
This week is going to be tough for you financially, Cap, so swing by Game Stop...

14:04

This furious thread about flatcap wankers is a boozy treat even before the delightful twist "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres someone called Wee Mowgz who went to a BrewDog pub in Edinburgh and found it filled with wankers. Except his loss was everyone elses gain because he took to Twitter to recount what happened next.

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13:00

Terror in Brighton as rival nudists and surfers fight on the beach "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Terrified locals in Brighton have looked on in horror as gangs of surfers and hairy nudists fought pitched battles on the beach. Large groups of intimidating surfer dudes arrived in the seaside town at the weekend in convoys of Volkswagen vans. They were followed close behind by gangs of aggressive nudists driving Renault motorhomes. While police have appealed for calm, tabloids have increased anxiety with lurid reporting, including the now notorious Bods and Knockers headline in the Sun.

Tensions on the south coast are set to increase further following the trial of a Brighton bell boy at the Old Bailey. The bell boy was accused of killing a hotel guest who said he looked a bit like Sting. The charge of murder was thrown out when the jury found he had acted with reasonable force, given the circumstances. In summing up, the Lord Justice said the bell boy had been cruelly provoked and humiliated. The case sets an important legal precedent as it allows people to kill anyone who compares them to Sting, something the Musicians Union has been campaigning for for years.

12:33

This Brexit-Titanic mash-up will make your day better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Whichever side you are on come on folks, were all in this together, right? this is 1 minute 39 seconds very well spent.

So much to enjoy.

And the credit goes to

12:12

This dad graded the typo strewn letter fining him for taking his kid out of school and its 10/10 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Dad Daniel Moore was fined by his local county council for taking his son Daniel out of school during term time.

The rights and wrongs of this are much debated and were not about to do that here. Instead enjoy the letter that he was sent informing him of their fines, and the perfect dismantling of it that he shared online.

It really is 10/10 (youll have to zoom in for the full effect).

And heres what Daniel had to say on Facebook, where his post was shared more than 1,000 times.

Today we received our fines for taking Charlie on holiday.

Im not going to pretend Im a spelling guru or a typing expert. But Im also not the Head of Education in Devon.

This womans in charge of the future generations education, our childrens education and shes rubber stamping this tripe!

Im going to pay the fine, no questions asked but I shall also be sending her letter back marked & graded.

Maybe Ill throw a little holiday snap in as well!

Presumably the next parent who takes their child out of school will be sent a slightly different version.

Source

The post This dad graded the typo strewn letter fining him for taking his kid out of school and its 10/10 appeared first on The Poke.

11:40

Sky News Assure Senator Anning That Theres A Job Waiting For Him Whenever Hes Ready "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The fearless and brave content directors at Murdochs Sky News have today extended the olive branch to embattled Federal Senator Fraser Anning, assuring him that when his political career inevitably goes to shit, they will be more than willing to pay him 65k per year to spruik his political views on his very []

The post Sky News Assure Senator Anning That Theres A Job Waiting For Him Whenever Hes Ready appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:03

The ITV News take on the Genoa bridge collapse was at best crass, at worst staggeringly inappropriate "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone at ITV News probably should have rewritten the intro to the lead story about the Genoa bridge collapse in which it has now been confirmed that at least 35 people died.

Wed say it was pure Alan Partridge but it feels a bit more serious than that, basically reporting the lead story in the style of and finally .

How often have all of us driven over a motorway bridge? Has it ever crossed your mind that it might actually fall down beneath you? Well today in Genoa, one did, with devastating consequences

Heres what people made of it online.

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11:00

Movie review: Finding Tory panned by critics for fishy, sudden ending "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The long awaited summer 2016 blockbuster from the Conservative Party has been roundly slammed by critics for its despicable characters and highly derivative ending. Finding Tory tells the tale of an over-privileged blue shark, George, nicknamed Tory by his friends for his conservative outlook, love of caviar and advocacy of traditional family values, who also suffers from chronic short-term memory loss.

Tory and his lifelong friend Dave, a slippery eel, become separated on 23rd June, after they drift into the choppy waters of Project Fear and are overcome by a freak wave of support for leaving their warm, comfortable European waters. With his plans to become PM now flushed down the toilet, and suddenly stranded like a fish out of water, Tory feels totally isolated from his cosy Notting Hill set. Pushed out the back door of his No 11 home by the nasty new Headmistress, a snapper called Theresa, George is left to fend for himself for the first time in his life, taking refuge in the family wallpaper business and the Italian Riviera.

Snippets of Torys past keep coming back to him. Tory remembers getting swallowed up by a big school of neo-liberal pollocks in 2010, embarking on a 6 year voyage of austerity. Images pop into Torys head of selling millions of people down the river. He also recalls himself in numerous factories, always looking uncomfortable in a hi-vis yellow jacket and safety goggles, but he cant workout why he was there, and what he was doing. Flashbacks to pasty taxes, deals with Google and Starbucks, and spare room occupancy charges keep coming back to Tory, but thankfully, or conveniently, he is able to forget these every 10 seconds or so. He tries to remember happier times by focusing on a photo of himself with his new Caesar haircut in 2014. Will he ever see his buddy Dave again?

Thankfully, Dave puts an audacious plan into action, and despite much carping from the opposition benches, manages to secure his old friend the Companion of Honour status. With the honour permitting him to use the initials CH after his name, Tory immediately changes his twitter handle to @TattonTosserCH, before returning to the bosom of his Notting Hill chums.

The whole thing smells more fishy than Grimsby market, said one critic. Classic Tory plot line, and a much overused abuse of the honours system plot device to ensure a suitable ending. By the end I was very green around the gills. I just hope we dont ever see this co-called Bream Team in any sort of sequel.

 

09:16

People have been sharing the most artfully constructed disses and youll never be short of an insult again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It started when the great @shockproofbeats shared this wonderful insult he heard when he was a kid and asked people for more of the same.

And fortunately for us lots of people got in touch and their responses were were some of the most inventive takedowns youll see.

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09:10

ABC Fact Checker Explodes After Being Tasked With Checking Everything Bob Katter Said Today "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A supercomputer at the heart of ABCs Fact Checking Unit has reportedly exploded this afternoon after a staff member gave it the task of fact-checking each part of Bob Katters press conference today. Around lunchtime today [AEST] Katter spoke to the media today in Cairns, despite it being a []

The post ABC Fact Checker Explodes After Being Tasked With Checking Everything Bob Katter Said Today appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:40

A student bought a stranger coffee and the thank you note went viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone called Mackenzie Mauller bought someone she didnt know a cup of coffee in Starbucks and was amazed to find this note later in the day.

She shared it anline because she wanted to show people the value of small things to help other people, and it resonated so much it was shared more than 20,000 times.

And just in case thats tricky to read

Thank you for the coffee! I rarely go to Starbucks and treat myself, but the last couple of months have been a bit of a struggle. My father just passed away and he was also my babysitter. My family and my children have had a really hard time. This morning my babysitter called off sick and I had to take the day off work. I decided to buy my kids breakfast and get myself coffee with total guilt because I am going to become a stay-at-home mom for awhile.

Since I was not planning on going this route in my life, I was not emotionally and financially prepared to quit working. I cried when I found out you were so sweet to buy my coffee and thrilled to see you in a couple houses down from where I live. I felt it necessary to know that what you did for me was more than just a coffee. It was something that turned my whole day around, put tears in my eyes and a smile on my face and I feel so grateful.

Its not just about the note, its about what people said in response. Heres a selection.

08:23

Christopher Pyne Denies Getting Lip Fillers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As both houses of Federal Parliament melt down over comments made by two silver-haired geriatrics with zero influence on anything, The Minister For Defence has successfully managed to avoid questions relating to his suspiciously plump lips. Returning to Canberra for the Parliamentary sitting week, Christopher Pyne MP appears to have undergone a bit []

The post Christopher Pyne Denies Getting Lip Fillers appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:44

Peter Dutton Accuses Fraser Anning Of Plagiarism "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Minister for Home Affairs, Peter Dutton, has today accused Senator Anning of plagiarism after he used his maiden speech last night to call for a complete overhaul of the immigration system, insisting most migrants should be from a European Christian background and all Muslims should be banned. Dutton joins many other politicians both houses []

The post Peter Dutton Accuses Fraser Anning Of Plagiarism appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:15

Do I Love My Daughter? Of Course. Would I Trade Her for Springsteen Tickets? I Already Have "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres nothing quite like being a parent. You create life from the roots of your body and soul, and then have the great privilege of nurturing it. From the first steps to the first car, everything is a milestone. It is incomparable to any other quest in this world, save but one. Have you ever seen Bruce Springsteen live? Hes just a little better, and thats why I traded my only daughter for a single, general admission ticket to see The Boss

I remember the day my daughter was born. My wife was in labor for hours, while I paced around like any nervous Dad-to-be. Eventually, she was here. Little Olivia could barely open her eyes, but the sound of her first coo is something I will probably never forget. However, the sound of Tenth Avenue Freeze Out with that sick extended sax solo is something I will definitely never forget.

I may not have the opportunity to drop her off for the first day of school, but I did see Bruce and Steve Van Zandt trade guitar solos during Dancing in the Dark. Fuck yeah.

When prom comes around, I would love to see my little Genevieve (was her name Genevieve?) off with her date, but I traded that memory for a rare acoustic performance of The Wrestler, from the 2008 Mickey Rourke film The Wrestler. So, Id say were even.

I was hoping to one day have grandchildren, and while I wont get that opportunity, I did almost catch Max Weinbergs drum stick after the first encore. Life sure is a rollercoaster.

Do I miss my daughter? Of course. Could she have performed a four-hour, extremely high energy arena show, packed with a lifetimes worth of hits? Probably not, and thats her cross to bear.

So, as I sit here, raspy-voiced and awaiting a criminal trial, I urge you to remember the little moments. Whether it be teaching your only daughter to tie their shoes, your first family vacation as a parents, or singing Born to Run with 15,000 other Tramps, you mustnt take anything for granted. As Bruce says, Talk about a dream, try to make it real.

Wendy, if you ever read this, and if thats your name, go make your dreams real.

The post Do I Love My Daughter? Of Course. Would I Trade Her for Springsteen Tickets? I Already Have appeared first on The Hard Times.

05:57

Katter Staffer Wonders Why He Even Bothers Writing Notes On Bobs Hands Anymore "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact One of Bob Katters key policy advisors let out a heavy sigh this afternoon as the locally-popular Queensland politician spoke to the media in Cairns regarding the comments made yesterday by his Senate leader, Fraser Anning. Staffer Colin Overell sighed because once again, Bob didnt read any of the []

The post Katter Staffer Wonders Why He Even Bothers Writing Notes On Bobs Hands Anymore appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:20

Were The Most Successful Multicultural Country In The World, Except For Melbourne, Im Told "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has today declared himself a proud multiculturalist, in the wake of a Katter newest senators comments that insinuated that we should only allow white people to migrate here. Turnbull joins both houses of the Federal Parliament have widely condemned Queensland senator Fraser Anning for advocating a return to the []

The post Were The Most Successful Multicultural Country In The World, Except For Melbourne, Im Told appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:02

Fraser Anning Apologises To Party For Not Focusing On Those Crocodiles Who Keep Tearing People Apart "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Speaking today from Far North Queensland, despite it being a sitting day for both the House of Representatives and the Senate, under siege maverick politician Bob Katter has broken his silence on Senator Fraser Anning who yesterday generated profound and widespread condemnation by using a term once used by the []

The post Fraser Anning Apologises To Party For Not Focusing On Those Crocodiles Who Keep Tearing People Apart appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:45

Katter Condemns Fraser Anning For Not Mentioning Crocodiles In His Maiden Speech "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Bob_Katter_130902_AAP

Bob Katter has lashed out at his Senator Fraser Anning over his maiden speech to Parliament after the new Senator failed to mention crocodiles at any stage during his speech.

People are angry at Fraser and rightfully so, said Mr Katter. I mean its all well and good to get up and tell a yarn in Parliament. But to not mention crocodiles, when every three months someone in Northern Queensland is being torn apart by one is criminal.

Ill be taking old mate Fraser out to the woodshed later on to teach him a lesson.

When asked whether he condemned Senator Anning over any other part of his maiden speech Mr Katter replied: Oh look he did go a bit hard on the Muslims and his language was a bit clunky. But the main thing we need to take out of this is the lack of people talking about crocodiles.

Maybe we could start deporting crocodiles. Oh Bobby boy what an idea, wheres Dutton?

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

02:45

Triple M Plays Nothing But Pearl Jam And Chisel For A Whole Week To See If Anyone Notices "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a new survey of Triple M listeners, the iconic rock music station has managed to play only Pearl Jam and Cold Chisel for an entire work week without anyone noticing. Known for having effectively the same work day play list since the mid 1990s, Triple M has in the past dabbled with []

The post Triple M Plays Nothing But Pearl Jam And Chisel For A Whole Week To See If Anyone Notices appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Court finds Ben Stokes to be rather good at cricket "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Cricketer Ben Stokes is a rather good player, and therefore had better stay out of prison if England ever wants to win this Summers test series.

Sentiments which seemed to chime with Trial Judge, Mr Justice Auld-Duffer, during his summing up to the jury before they retired to consider their verdict in Stokes affray case brought before Bristol Crown Court.

Obviously, we dont ideally want our sportsmen beating up people outside nightclubs, I mean its just not cricket really, is it? said Auld-Duffer. Though Lord knows some people would try the patience of a saint. I know on many occasions I would quite like to fetch some of these irritating chaps who appear before me a jolly good clip around the ear. Sadly of course thats not allowed these days, is it? But now when we were at Harrow it was a completely different story, you know. There was this one chap, used to fag for me who

After an extended ramble about his schooldays lasting half an hour the Judge finally returned to the subject of Stokes, adding Anyway, my point is this. Did Mr Stokes do it? Well either way wed best turn a blind eye, hmm? Weve got some important test matches coming up, and well need all our best men if were to avoid another middle order collapse. So go now members of the jury and consider your verdict carefully oh, by the way, did I ever tell you I once saw Don Bradman score 232 at the Oval?

After returning a verdict of not guilty one juror denied that Stokes sporting ability had anything to do with his verdict, saying Honestly, I had no idea who he was. I dont really follow sport, to which Stokes replied, What, are you gay or something?

00:29

We Thought We Were Voting For Mick Fanning Say The 19 Stoners Who Accidentally Voted For Fraser Anning "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

shark

All of the 19 voters who voted for Fraser Anning at the last election have admitted that they were high as a kite on top shelf choof when they put a number one in the box next to his name and may have mistaken him for surfing champion Mick Fanning.

Woah, you mean hes not the dude who punched the shark, said stunned  Queensland voter Billy Bongwater. I thought I was voting for Senator Shark Puncher and he was going to go to Canberra and start laying into sharks left right and centre. Bummer.

Katter Australia Party leader Bob Katter is seriously considering recruiting Mick Fanning to join the party at the next election.

With Mick dusting up the sharks and me giving the crocodiles a bit of Larry Dooley between us we could keep all of Australias dangerous wildlife under control, said a thoughtful Mr Katter. Maybe we could draft Jeff Fenech in to keep the box jellyfish in line.

Meanwhile Fraser Anning has used his maiden speech to question the loyalty that immigrants show to the values of their new country.

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Tuesday, 14 August

17:40

People enjoyed Dan Walkers takedown of a viewer who trolled his new BBC Breakfast mug "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Dan Walker was very excited by his new BBC Breakfast mug. We know he was, because he did this.

Except not everyone was so excited by his new mug, prompting a range of replies along the lines of this.

And this.

Oh, and this.

At which point the BBC Breakfast presenter just couldnt take it anymore, and bit back.

But he saved his greatest ire for this person, whose original delete has sadly now been deleted. Doesnt detract from the enjoyment, however.

17:18

This Sky customer was taken aback by the name of the Sky expert offering to help him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tom Peck was waiting online for a Sky expert to be available to help him and his relief when one finally became available was accompanied by a feeling of mild surprise.

Hi welcome to Sky thank you for using our live chat service. Youre chatting with Stalin. How can I help you today?

And it prompted some entertaining and informative exchanges online.

17:07

Vatican Warns Putin: Stop Fighting the Anunnaki "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

On Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin received an unexpected letter authored by Vatican Secretary of State Pietro Parolin. Signed by Pope Francis and bearing an imprint of the Pontiffs Holy Seal, the correspondence commanded Putin to immediately cease and desist all hostile actions against Anunnaki across the globe, says former KGB agent Strelnikov Isaac Stepanovich.

For nearly two years, Putin has waged a clandestine war on the extraterrestrials, committing billions of rubles toward the development of anti-Anunnaki defense technologies. Russian Special Services have skirmished with Anunnaki invaders in Russia, Syria, Afghanistan, Crimea, the Ukraine, and Yemen; while the Anunnaki soundly won most battles, Russian forces did eke out two victories and on three occasions fought the aliens to a stalemate.

Over 700 brave Russians have fallen to these creatures. We will not stop now just because the Pope says so. These monsters kidnap, kill, and eat us. Putin was outraged because the context of the letter suggested the Anunnaki are our friends. Absurd, Stepanovich said.

The letter described the Anunnaki as a benevolent race of heavenly beings who had come in peace until Putin unilaterally declared war on them. The Anunnaki would have given us great gifts, the letter went on, had you [Putin] not provoked their wrath. The Anunnaki, Pope Francis wrote, were clearly victims of Russian aggression, and placed the onus on Putin to deescalate the crisis by standing down and possibly sacrificing himself to the Anunnaki as a sign of good faith. Either that or stand in Gods judgement.

Im sure Putin laughed and snickered. Parolin may have written the letter, but he was using the Popes words. To Putin, the Pope is nothing but a worm. No matter what the Pope believes, Russian intelligence has proved these parasites are not nice, and they are not our friends. They fight us on the battlefield while insinuating themselves into worldly positions of political power, Stepanovich said.

He added Putin now believes that the Anunnaki have infi...

16:57

People enjoyed the moment this G4S security van suffered an unfortunate malfunction "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Proof that security vans can occasionally be just too secure, this G4S van was so tamper proof that not only could no-one get in, the driver couldnt get out. Because he had apparently managed to lock himself in.

A comical situation only heightened by the automatic distress call it began to play. Very loudly.

People werent overly surprised, it turns out.

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16:56

Turkey Sold On eBay For 500 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TurkeyTurkeys President Tayyip Erdogan is reaching out to a 15-year-old young man from Carlstadt, NJ, who just purchased his country on eBay for a measly 500 . Turkey continues to suffer from a major economic collapse, spurred by growing inflation and stifling tariffs. Now the country remains teetering on the brink of a full sophomoric dictatorship. In an address on turkeys national television

16:30

This football clubs letter to a fan went viral because its such a lovely gesture "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone called Chris Ryder shared a letter he was sent by the football team he supports, Barnsley FC, and it went viral because it was such a lovely gesture.

The clubs chief executive said he had seen on social media that Chris had been having a bit of a hard time and wanted to know if there was anything he or the club could do to help.

In response, Chris said Barnsley was the best football club in the world.

Heres the letter.

And just in case thats tricky to read, heres what Barnsley chief executive Gauthier Ganaye had to say.

Dear Chris

Sorry for sending you a letter at random, but I felt like I wanted to reach out to you and get in touch. Ive noticed through social media that youve had a bit of a hard time recently, Im not sure what it is but I hope everything improves for you as soon as possible.

Youve been a fan of the club for many years and always supported us, so we want you to know that if the favour needs returning and we need to support you, please do let us know.

You are welcome to swing by any time. My office door is always open and weve finally got a new coffee machine, a huge thanks to Alfie Mawson for that!

Alternatively, you may have noticed the squiggle on the back of the player lettering on the shirts? Its for the MIND charity. They are an EFL partner this season and do some really great work. Ive included their contact details below.

0300 123 3393
info@mind.org.uk
Text: 86463
Twitter: @MindCharity

Keep supporting the reds, Chris. Well keep supporting you.

Yours sincerely

Gauthier Ganaye
Chief executive officer

Heres what Chris tweeted a few days ago.

And here are some of the responses from...

16:25

Cupheads Hot Coffee Mod Lets You Fuck the Cups "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

REDMOND, Wash. Microsoft apologized after fans discovered secret files that allows access to a hidden mode within Cuphead that players describe as a hardcore fuck-and-suck-fest and lets them to have sex with the various cups, mugs, and bosses.

We regret the oversight and understand the outrage, Xbox CEO Phil Spencer said, in front of a video where the eponymous Cuphead is nude and stirring his cum-coated straw into the cup of his brother, Mugman while Cagney Carnation grins and dances sensually around the sexual spectacle.

If we had known the creators of this game had left in such lewd files, we never would have let it be released on our platform. We are all for games that challenge our audience, but we meant that in terms of gameplay and not in terms of sexual appeal, he continued, sporting a clear bulge in his pants and a pained expression on his face.

Those who have played the mode, which is accessed by sexually moaning Oh Cuphead, call me daddy, into a microphone during the title screen, have described it as incredibly gross, as well as intricately animated, and as difficult to cum to as Cuphead is to beat.

When Cuphead co-creators and brothers Chad and Jared Moldenhauer were asked about the content, they wrote online that they were pleased fans could finally access the mini-game that they had worked so hard on but were forced to scrap.

We poured hours upon hours into hand-drawing every second of Cuphead, and it was such a shame to see any of it not enjoyed by our fans. Im glad, now, that people were able to discover our true vision for some of these characters, Chad Moldenhauer wrote in a series of tweets. It was a shame to imagine players encountering Ribby and Croaks without getting to see Ribby flip Croaks over so they could go to town on each other, sixty-nine style.

You think we made a character like Cala Maria without thinking about tentacle porn the entire time? Jared Moldenhauer explained. We wanted Cuphead to have international appeal....

16:11

We Did an Oral History on the Iraq War but We Only Interviewed Andrew W.K. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Iraq War stands as one of the most complex conflicts in recent history. To better understand this pivotal world event, we set out to conduct an oral history based on interviews with a lengthy list of renowned experts. But then some other stuff came up so we decided to just interview Andrew W.K. and call it a day.

Hard Style: The U.S.-led invasion of Iraq commenced with a bombing campaign on March 20, 2003.

Andrew W.K.: Wow, yeah. The Iraq War, dude. That really blew chunks.

HS: Undoubtedly, the Iraq War did blow chunks. The US occupation was opposed by several insurgent groups, as the situation became increasingly fraught.

W.K.: You know when your wingman invites you to a party and youre like, Hell yeah! Because you think its going to be all hot chicks and keg stands and maybe even a little bit of that sweet, sweet oil? Well, this was like if you got there and a bunch of Iraqi dudes started beating your ass. And youre all, Woah man, Im just trying to butt-chug a beer over here! Cmon broski, lets hug this out!

HS: But the coalition and insurgents did not hug it out. And the U.S. occupation dragged on for the better part of a decade.

W.K.: It was like a game of beer pong where nobody can hit the last cup. So youre just standing there forever asking yourself, Is this even fun? Is it worth it? Why are we even here?

HS: Wow. Yeah, thats actually a good point. Well said.

W.K.: Thanks dude. The Iraq War really had a deep impact on me. Theres this song on my new album Party Mindset and people think they know what its about. But its really about the Iraq War. Well, the first verse is. The second verse is about Mountain Dew Code Red.

The post We Did an Oral History on the Iraq War but We Only Interviewed Andrew W.K. appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:00

Weeds take out a class action against Monsanto "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weeds across the US have lawyered up following the judgement that products made by Monsanto including Roundup could be dangerous. My clients point to numerous studies that show exposure to Roundup can, in extreme cases, cause death, said one of the lawyers representing the weeds.

Monsanto point to the labelling on the product that effectively states weeds will cease to exist if sprayed by Roundup. We think weve been pretty clear, claimed the company today. They have counter-sued the US government for failing to stop the wholesale and barbaric butchering of weeds nationwide, pointing out they only make the product. We dont apply it ourselves, in fact we quite like weeds.

The National Rifle Association has entered the debate suggesting that weeds should be encouraged to exercise their constitutional rights and arm themselves. They also suggest that homeowners should defend against such aggression from weeds by arming themselves. If Roundup is taken off the shelves, then a .44 calibre dum dum bullet is the only effective defence, a NRA spokesman said today.

15:33

The Telegraph compared Brexit to the Reformation but forgot some important facts the 11 best reactions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If you throw a stick in the general direction of the print media and you probably shouldnt, because theyre having enough trouble as it is youll hit ten think-pieces on Brexit. Why Brexit is happening, what kind of Brexit will work, how to make a Brexit out of sticky-backed plastic, and all the rest. The latest is a Telegraph piece, written by Giles Fraser, parish priest, broadcaster and Brexit supporter.

As he was trying to make a positive point, he might have been better off researching the Reformation a little more closely, as his comparison doesnt stand up to scrutiny.

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15:30

No Room on Setlist for Song Bassist Wrote; Next Time for Sure Though "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CHICAGO Punk band Doormats frontman promised last night that the band would for sure play their bassists song, The Mason-Dixon Lie, at their next gig, after they couldnt find a proper spot on their setlist, according to sources close to the band.

Oh, man, I forgot all about it and the setlist was pretty full by the time he brought it up, said frontman Greg Mazur while taping the setlist to the stage. And the way I laid all the songs out for tonight is kinda perfect the way it is. Plus, we have a lot of special requests. We dont want to disappoint the fans.

Bassist Brian Wozniak tried to convince his bandmates to cut their cover of Patti Smiths Free Money, or the extended free jam section which was expected to last up to 12 minutes of their 25-minute set but had no luck.

I just wish [Wozniak] would get the hint he pitched this song six months ago. It took another three months before we broke down and ran through the song at practice, said guitarist Darrell Cale. This is the fifth gig in a row where we either forgot to put his song on the setlist, or ran out of time at the end of the set to play it.

Wozniak allegedly wrote the song about his experiences on the road during a 2017 tour.

Its filled with every trite, band-on-the-road trope you can think of, said drummer Payton Dowd. Bad food, ignorant hicks, running out of gas, sleeping on floors, forgetting what town youre in. It was a three city tour! And it sounds a lot like Basket Case by Green Day other than Brians rap breakdown.

Those close to Wozniak claim hes admitted privately that if the band doesnt play his song soon, he plans to just start the bass line during a show. What are they going to do, ignore me and play without a bass? Wozniak said. Yeah, good luck with that!

Photo by Kat Chish.

The post No Room on Setlist for Song Bassist Wrote; Next Time for Sure Though appeared first on The Hard Times.

13:39

This must be the best shot anybodys ever managed with a straw wrapper "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You know how it seems a shame to waste the opportunity to use a paper straw wrapper as a missile? Of course you do well, this similarly minded person has finally seen their straw-wrapper-missile dreams come true.

That must have been a million-to-one shot, though we dont know how far away the target was or whether that was, in fact, the target. It certainly took the poor woman by surprise, but at least its only paper.

Somebody added to the scenario, with a little splice from comedy film, The Apartment.

And somebody mused on the preparation.

But, mostly, they were just impressed.

13:00

Government to carpet pavements so homeless can be swept under them "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Government has unveiled an ambitious plan to eradicate the homeless from Englands streets by carpeting all pavemented public areas.

Its quite a brilliant plan enthused Housing Secretary James Brokenshire. Our vision is that we can pay lip service to this social problem and sweep the homeless under the carpet just like the old saying simples!

The plan will also include carpets for areas such as car parks, shop doorways, and those smelly little alleyways people urinate in after an evening out in the pub.

Its estimated the total bill will be in the region of 100m, although after management consultancy costs around 57,000 will be available for actual carpeting enough for around 16,000 square miles of the stuff that gets chucked into brand new Bovis homes.

Mr Brokenshire indicated that this was just the start of a major offensive in tackling the scourge of homelessness.

He explained: Of course the sweeping the homeless under the carpet initiative is just a temporary measure the cabinet is actively pursuing a Final Solution woah bollocks err I mean more long term solution

12:55

Katters New Senator Details How He Wants To Ban People Like The Katters From Migrating Here "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prominent Maronite-Lebanese-Aboriginal-Jewish-Venetian-Irish-Catholic North Queensland MP Bob Katter has quickly learned that the new Senator he stole from One Nation is actually probably more racist than anyone in One Nation. In a provocative first speech to Parliament, KAPs first Queensland senator, Fraser Anning has called for a return to a European Christian immigration system, []

The post Katters New Senator Details How He Wants To Ban People Like The Katters From Migrating Here appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:30

The Rocks hilarious birthday message to Chris Hemsworth was more of a roast than a tribute "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Actor Dwayne Johnson is known for his successful wrestling career, his impressive physique and for being a lovely guy. But, when he paused his undoubtedly super-tough work-out to wish Australian actor, Chris Hemsworth a happy birthday, he managed to damp down the loveliness.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BmXCNR8lCMv/

Even his written message seemed a bit harsh.

Happy Birthday @chrishemsworth you handsome alien looking SOB! Many people in this world are so grateful you were born I am not one of them. Enjoy your birthday w/ the ohana my brother and see ya down the road.

Of course, the good-natured roast was only a joke, as theyre great friends which was obvious in this playful tweet exchange.

11:49

Kanye Wests attempt to spread the love didnt quite go to plan our 15 favourite responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Not a man known for keeping quiet if hes got something to say, rapper, husband of Kim Kardashian, and confidante of Donald Trump, Kanye West used a tweet to try and bring some positivity to the world.

But this is Twitter. It doesnt do positivity well, so the responses were perhaps not a hundred per cent serious and definitely not a hundred per cent respectful. You have been warned.

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11:00

Map makers thank athletes, musicians for putting towns on the map "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

up to 90% of UK towns 'unknown' before athletes got involvedIn 2008 Rebecca Adlington put Mansfield on the map with her heroics at the Beijing Olympics, filling a slightly embarrassing gap south of Sheffield. Since then there has been enough success from British sports stars, musicians and actors that a spokesman for the AA now believes that their road map contains at least 90% of the towns in Britain.

For years weve been producing our maps with huge empty spaces on them where we just didnt know what was there. A couple of hundred years ago you could get away with putting here be dragons, but we tried that a few years back with an area just east of Derby and people laughed at us. said Steve King who claims that the AA have the most complete map of places in Britain where people have done something vaguely noteworthy.

When the AA first started producing their road maps of Britain all that was on them was London, which was fine for Londoners as it confirmed their suspicions that there was nothing outside of the M25. But then people from outside of London started making headlines and it turned out that they didnt all live in trees or fields.

The first really big one that I remember was in the 1960s when the Beatles put Liverpool on the map, but we still had an awful lot of empty space on there. Since then weve gradually filled in the gaps as people have put their towns on the map by being in films, good at sport or by being a reasonably successful recording artist, continued King.

Of course its not just in Britain where maps are made like this. If you go back even further then Hitler really put Germany on the map, even if it wasnt quite so much of the map as hed hoped. If hed been successful then it would have made life a lot easier for map-makers to be honest, but Im sure there could have been some downsides too.

Lessons have been learned the hard way that celebrities should not be allowed to physically put their town on the map, and that job should be left to qualified cartographers.

We were producing a revised edition in the late 90s and offered to let David Beckham put his home town on for us, but he just drew a pony. In the middle of the Atlantic.

10:44

This amazing act of kindness to a homeless man has gone viral because its so touching "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If youre looking for good in the world, look no further. This clip of an act of great kindness has gone viral, and when you watch it, youll understand why.

As you see, the video shows a man literally giving the clothes off his back to someone in greater need. That man is 23-year-old Joey Resto, who told Eyewitness News

It was freezing that night. He looked cold and hungry,

He looked so weak and frail. I had to help him, or he would not put it on,

He added that he had invited the homeless man to come back with him to his apartment to get more clothes and also to come for something to eat, but he just curled up and went to sleep.

Although kindhearted Joey wasnt looking for recognition, his good deed was caught on camera by a fellow passenger on the Downtown A train in Washington Heights, New York, from which he was identified. He has since appeared with the state governor, Andrew Cuomo, who praised him for his thoughtful actions.

People have been very moved by the clip.

09:42

These 29 pieces of NSFW archaic slang are long overdue for a comeback "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Telegraph journalist Michael Deacon has found himself a little bit of linguistic treasure.

He has very kindly been sharing some of the more colourful insults and expressions with his Twitter followers, and we think some of these might be worth memorising, if only so we know what Boris Johnson is talking about a little more often.

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09:31

Someone found their Welsh AirBnB did this and the responses will make you roar "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Stand-up comedian TiernanDouieb was staying in an AirBnB in Wales when he found a mysterious button, the purpose of which was entirely unclear.

So he did what everyone would do, he pressed it. And this is what happened.

Yes!

And in close-up.

Every AirBnB should have one of these, whether theyre in Wales or not.

It prompted so many brilliant replies that we counted all the way up to 21 (and we could have gone further).

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08:49

Funniest 9 things people said about this picture of Jayne Torvill strangling a seagull "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We are grateful to @robsand69 for sharing this picture of Jayne Torvill strangling a seagull.

Once seen, never unseen. And if the picture was good, the comments made it even better. Here are our favourites, in no particular (pecking) order.

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08:46

Jail Was The Best Thing For Me Says Traumatised, Physically Scarred Man With No Job Prospects "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Arriving back home fresh out of Wacol and putting on a brave face, a local man has assured his mates that his time inside was actually not that bad, and in fact it was what he needed to straighten out. The physically and emotionally scarred 21-year-old man from Golf Course Estate called Tyson []

The post Jail Was The Best Thing For Me Says Traumatised, Physically Scarred Man With No Job Prospects appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:32

Best flow chart youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Flow chart of the week goes to @ItsAndyRyan for this visual guide to whether youre watching Point Break or The Fast and The Furious.

Thanks Andy for clearing that one up for us. And heres a bunch of our favourite responses online.

08:02

17 favourite responses to the woman who said too many Spaniards spoiled her Spanish holiday "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A British woman has complained that her Spanish holiday was ruined by, er, too many Spanish people.

81-year-old Freda Jackson said she was left in tears because of rude Spanish guests and said entertainment and food catered only for the Spaniards.

The hotel was full of Spanish holidaymakers and they really got on our nerves because they were just so rude.

The entertainment in the hotel was all focused and catered for the Spanish why cant the Spanish go somewhere else for their holidays?

It wasnt all Freda had to say. She has mobility issues and was originally put on the 14th floor before being moved to the second floor, but still had 42 steps to get to the pool.

And here are our favourite responses online.

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07:52

Okay, you can stop looking weve found the headline of the year "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Although were only in August, its hard to imagine how any headline is going to beat this one from the Irish Times, referring to the historic occasion of Irish gymnast, Rhys McClenaghan, winning a gold medal in the pommel horse event at the European championships.

Tipping its hat to another iconic Irish moment, in fact another European contest albeit fictional in an episode of Graham Linehans hit comedy, Father Ted. My Lovely Horse is the name of the song Ted and Dougal sing as their Eurosong Contest entry and its always worth another listen.

Journalist Kevin Kelly shared the headline on Twitter.

The Father Ted theme was continued in the replies.

07:26

Lebal Drocer Valor Foundation to Secure Permanent Embassy Home For Julian Assange "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev's fundraising campaign.Barrett Brown has been publicly criticizing Assange, who then got butthurt and took away his money.

Barrett Brown cussed that old Julian Assange for the last time. He cussed him bad enough, and a lady from the Courage Foundation wrote Barrett to notify him they were pulling his whistleblower aide.

After cutting ties to Barrett Brown, the Courage Foundation redirected funding to finance a lifetime lease on Julian Assanges embassy hotel room, which would have run out soon without that money.

The money has been placed in a secondary fund, the Lebal Drocer Valor Foundation, to commemorate Assanges bravery in Browns historic removal.

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07:12

Elvis Presley Sightings Suggest He May Still Be Alive "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The King is Dead! Or is he? The death of Elvis Presley, the King of Rock and Roll, on 16 August 1977, shook the world to its very foundations, and set in motion a concerted effort by heartbroken fans to prove that it was all a hoax, and that h...

06:44

Ch10 Producers Struggling To Come Up With Whole Season Worth Of One-Liners For The Badger "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Television producers at network Channel 10 are reportedly under the pump ahead of tomorrows season opener of the Honey Bachelor. The once-great youth entertainment channel, which is home to Australian Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise has been hammering its producers to get everything right for the launch of a new series. The new series, []

The post Ch10 Producers Struggling To Come Up With Whole Season Worth Of One-Liners For The Badger appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:50

Barnabys Mid-Life Crisis Peaks After Being Spotted Wearing Lycra In Main Street Of Tamworth "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Just days after releasing his autobiographical political manifesto Weatherboard and Iron Former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce is back in the headlines with gusto. Yesterday, he was dismissing the Paris agreement as something that people in Kmart dont care about, last night he was telling the Courier Mail that the Coalition will []

The post Barnabys Mid-Life Crisis Peaks After Being Spotted Wearing Lycra In Main Street Of Tamworth appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:47

Bono Still Taking Up Space In iPhone Like A Fuckwit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A recent report by people who have opened up their Music folder in the last year has found that U2 are still sitting in there without permission. For fucks sake says one iPhone user, Bridie (24), who walks at the Betoota Cobb & Co liquor outlet. I havent ever liked this band. This []

The post Bono Still Taking Up Space In iPhone Like A Fuckwit appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:22

Dont Talk To Me About Droughts Says Unremarkable City Worker Who Hasnt Mated Since 2008 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

INGRID DOULTON | Local News | Contact Theres not a person whod believe that Dennis Rutland had a packet of Snickers Pods for breakfast this morning most only would if they saw it. But he did and thats far from the worst thing hes shovelled into himself in the hours after first light. By []

The post Dont Talk To Me About Droughts Says Unremarkable City Worker Who Hasnt Mated Since 2008 appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:03

Senator Di Natale Proposes Installing Solar Panels On Pacific Ocean Garbage Patch "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact In what has been described as the greatest example of neutralising humankinds impact on the environment, Greens leader Richard Di Natale has today unveiled a plan to make use of the plastic pollution in order to harvest energy from the sun. Weve been working in partnership with Green Peace said Senator Di []

The post Senator Di Natale Proposes Installing Solar Panels On Pacific Ocean Garbage Patch appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:57

Sunflower Seed Sprouts in Man's Ear "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MAYO CLINIC. ROCHESTER, MN. Doctor's at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic revealed today that a sunflower plant is growing inside a male patient's ear. As explained at a clinic press conference, the unidentified patient sought treatment for an ear th...

00:55

Bono grants an audience to Pope Francis during upcoming Irish visit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Irelands most saintly man, U2 lead-singer Bono, has announced that he has granted Pope Francis an audience with him later this year. Its understood that the historic meeting will take place in Dublin next month when His Holiness visits Ireland, with the full schedule expected to be published on the bands website nearer the time.

A Vatican spokesman said: This will be a truly amazing event and The Holy Father is already counting down the days. He is a great admirer of Bonos tireless good works and the many miracles that have been attributed to him over the years. Hes even thinking of bringing his U2 CD collection and asking for them all to be autographed, although is prepared to be disappointed if Bono is unable to find the time or inclination to do this.

Speaking to Rolling Stone magazine in Dallas where he is in the middle of yet another world tour with the band, Bono said: I thought the time was right for this meeting to go ahead. It will help strengthen and legitimise The Popes position around the world and indeed I know my acceptance of his status will be seen as positive force globally.

Of course there are a few issues well need to discuss, adds the sainted frontman, Like his claim of infallibility for instance, because lets face it, the world is only big enough for one person to shoulder that burden for mankind and the jobs already taken, Frankie.

Meanwhile the Dalai Lama commented: Im not familiar with this Pope fellow, but if Bono is happy enough to meet with him then that is good enough for me.

00:45

Turnbull Guarantees Power Bills Will Fall $550 By 2014 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Malcolm Turnbull says Australians can expect their electricity bills drop dramatically over the past four years.

In a press conference to promote the National Energy Guarantee, Mr Turnbull said the policy would take the pressure off the cost of living in 2014. This is about investing in our future, he said.

Hard working Australian families can expect their bills to start coming down before the end of the previous term of government, he said.

Tony Abbott, has opposed the policy, saying 2014 seems too far away.

00:15

Coles Release Series Of Collectable Mini Choked Sea Animals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

coles

Supermarket chain Coles has announced that following on from the success of its mini collectable grocery items it will be releasing a series of mini collectable sea creatures that have choked on discarded plastic shopping bags.

Shoppers will be able to collect such items as a tiny replica loggerhead sea turtle with a Coles plastic bag stuck halfway down its gullet, confirmed Coles marketing executive Ray Markup. The range will also include an octopus with its legs trapped inside a plastic bag, a dugong with a plastic bag caught on its flipper and a red footed booby with its neck caught in the handles of a plastic bag.

Ive got three spare mini stormy petrels with plastic bags in their windpipe that Im willing to swap for a rare mini wandering albatross with a plastic bag wedged in its lower intestines, said desperate shopper Fiona Flybuys. Im hoping to get a mini dolphin with a plastic bag in its blowhole next time I spend thirty dollars and then Ill have the complete set.

There have been reports of rare collectables from the Little Ch...

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Monday, 13 August

23:42

DemocRATs want to live large "like Putin" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

La La land, USAIn a follow-up to a Gal Lupp poll in which 51% of DemocRATs confessed to preferring socialism to capitalism, respondents to the poll gave their reasons for their preference. Why work when I can get stuff free? Freddy the Freeload...

20:10

Hillary Clinton Clones Walk The Earth "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Last Wednesday, within a four-hour timespan, disgraced presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was spotted in three states, thousands of miles apart, fueling speculation that an army of Clinton clones or robots now walks the earth and that the real Hillary Clinton either is dead or hiding in a Deep State underground bunker.

At approximately 1:00 PM UTC, a journalist with the Washington Beacon photographed Clinton and her co-conspirator, Barack Hussein

Obama, dining at a posh Chicago eatery. Less than an hour later, Clinton magically appeared near her Chappaqua, NY mansion, where she signed a fans copy of her manifesto What Happened? in which she blamed Donald Trump and working-class Americans for her 2016 presidential defeat. Two hours later, Clinton was in California attending a Democratic fundraiser. She gave an hour-long sermon during which she blamed Trumps failed environmental policies for causing the California wildfires.

Politicization aside, there is no plausible wayshort of teleportationClinton could have travelled from Chicago to New York to California in a few hours, not even aboard the fastest military jets. Whether clone or robot, Clinton has an uncanny knack for simultaneously showing up at multiple venues. In fact, a similar occurrence happened on Friday.  At 2:00 PM EST, witnesses at JFK international airport saw Clinton boarding a flight to Heathrow; at the same time, she entertained a troupe of affluent financial backers at a hotel in Sarasota, Florida.

Based on these facts, three distinct possibilities exist: robots, clones, or an unfathomable number of body doubles. Speaking exclusively to Nibiru News/Someonesbones.com, Dr. Peter Gaskell, a robotics...

19:31

Revolutionary Communist Party of Argentina Still Exists, they report "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

westillexist

BUENOS AIRES Our top secret Argentine source reports that the almost-ICOR member/affiliate PCR (Revolutionary Communist Party) of Argentina continues to exist, according to extremely credible information passed to them by the PCR itself, stating, and we quote we are still holding it down for all the clowns in this bourgeois town.

The reasons for the use of English to correspond between Argentine and Argentine could not be ascertained. Top dialecticians at the Spatula suspect that the PCR is so incredibly cognisant of the totality of class struggle that they foresaw that this statement would be significant to the Spatula, and would have to be translated to English accordingly.

Alternatively, perhaps we made up the quote for a gag on our stupid page.

Confirming that they still hate Deng and everything and Trots should get shot, the elusive and ROL-friendly Argentine Maoists sent in several photographs of themselves talking to the masses, which were very impressive, proletarian, and dialectical.

We did see a photo of them drinking wine, but its Argentina, so thats proletarian there, right? In Turkey alcohol is so expensive that even the cheapest of beer reeks of petty bourgeois decadence, and in the rest of the normal world, wine is a bit French, innit?

Despite repeated e-mails, by time of press, no confirmation could be found that the hardest Argentine guerrillas of all time, the...

18:30

Church of Scientology Exposed as Nothing but Thousands of Undercover Filmmakers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

GILMAN HOT SPRINGS, Calif. Every single member of the Church of Scientology were found last week to be undercover documentary filmmakers who only joined to try to expose the controversial religions practices, according to a recent report from the churchs headquarters.


I realized something was up when I recognized President Heber Jentzsch from an expose on expiration date fraud at Kroger, said Scientology spokeswoman Karin Pouw, herself an investigative journalist for KNBC news, the Los Angeles NBC affiliate. Sometimes, you couldnt hear anyone in meetings over the whirring of recording devices sounds everyone blamed on air conditioning.

Investigators found the conspiracy had spread throughout Scientology leadership. Vice President Bob Adams turned out to have a deal with Netflix, while Michelle Stith, President of the Church of Scientology-Los Angeles, was a producer on the TV show Restaurant Stakeout. Meanwhile, President of the Church of Scientology-New York John Carmichael is, in reality, Oscar-winning documentarian Errol Morris.

I was just a beat reporter for the Bucks County Courier Times when I was assigned to look into this Hubbard guy in 1975, Chairman of the Board David Miscavige admitted during a press conference. When I realized how wacko this supposed religion really was, I decided to make a film to see how far I could push this. I have something like 300,000 hours of footage.

According to reports, the undercover membership wasnt limited to leadership: the youthful Sea Org was actually the entire USC film school class of 2012, and the Citizens Commission on Human Rights was, in fact, VICE headquarters. Allegedly, all members of the Church of Scientology-Tokyo are knowing participants on the reality show Supsukuramu Kazan-Shin [Space Clam Volcano God].

I walked into the Clearwater center in 1990 wearing a giant hat with a camera in it, admitted Scientologys most famous member, actor Tom Cruise. I did it as a goof to kill time on the set of Days Of Thunder. I totally thought Id get busted, but no one said anything. Turns out, all the real members fled years ago.

At press time, church leaders were preparing for a highly-contested legal battle to record the voice-over work on a 12 part mini-series expected to air on Showtime next summer.

The post Church of Scientology Exposed as Nothing but Thousands of Undercover Filmmakers appeared first on The Hard Times.

17:10

Shock as Sir Elton John turns to Country Music "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sir Elton John may have said "let one of your fucking country singers do it" on hearing the rumour that he was to perform at President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration, but deep down, it seems he is a fan of the mawkishly boring and notoriously homo...

16:17

Man Who Dips Toe Back Into World of Warcraft Quickly Loses Job, Friends, Apartment "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

SOUTH BEND, Ind. Casual World of Warcraft fan Michael Andor reportedly told friends that he was just looking dip his toes back into the massively multiplayer online role-playing game, only to let his life crumble around him mere days after pre-ordering the latest expansion Battle for Azeroth.

I hadnt played in years. I just wanted to re-familiarize myself with the world and the gameplay, Andor said while waiting on hold with his bank to convince them to waive overdraft fees. First I went to organize my bank and next thing I knew, I hadnt showered in four days.

Andor was let go from his job after using up all his paid-time off and then not showing up, or even alerting them to his absence. His supervisor even reportedly sent the police to Andors home to do a wellness check after fearing the worst; South Bend first responders had to break Andors door down when no response came after five minutes of knocking.

From the state and stench of the apartment, we assumed the place had been ransacked and the occupant killed and left to rot for weeks, Officer Ty Baxter told reporters. However, we found Mr. Andor alive in his bedroom, alternating between disenchanting his excess gear and selling the shards and dust on the auction house, and surrounded in the real world by Dominos pan pizza boxes and Moes nacho containers, a meal combination he told us he called A Taste of Mexaly.

Loved ones who reached out to help Andor found their messages went unanswered; childhood friend Ron Grant even created a character in World of Warcraft to try and contact Andor electronically.

I found him by chance queuing up for Antorus, the Burning Throne raid, after some kind Redditors told me a man lost in WoW would be grabbing last minute achievements before the new expansion drops, Grant told reporters. I had never played WoW before, so I bought it just to find him. First I tried leveling a character from scratch, but that sixty to eighty slog is fucking bullshit, so I just dropped sixty bucks to boost my guy to max level because Mike is my friend and I love him.

Anyway, now were both at max level together in a guild we co-founded and are planning to raid nightly when BfA drops, Grant continued. My own husband and job are long gone.

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16:00

Ryanair satisfaction ratings soar as strike action bites "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As flights have been cancelled at virtually no notice across the continent, Ryanair customers have spoken out about their experience since the strike began. I was told at the check-in that my flight had been cancelled, said Pete today. Thats much sooner than normal Im normally turfed out of my seat two minutes before take off and have to scour the seats to find my wife to tell her Im not flying, he said today.

Ashley, from Kent, said her wedding plans were in total disarray thanks to the strike. I was planning to ditch my boyfriend at the altar in Malta, but now Im forced to do the dirty in Canterbury, she said, noting that she wouldnt have to spend two weeks sitting on sun-kissed beaches listening to him whine at her. Result, if you ask me. Thank you bloody Ryanair, she added.

A Ryanair spokesman noted that the strike was only for 24 hours and that most passengers hadnt noticed that their flights were cancelled, late, overbooked and landing in the wrong airports, he said, just like normal.

15:46

Favourite 19 things people said about this picture of Donald Trump and his biker pals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Donald Trump hanging with his biker buddies at a Bikers for Trump rally at his New Jersey golf club.

Lots of people think the picture is photoshopped but no, the guy in the suit really is the president of the United States.

And here are the our favourite 19 things people said about the picture (and occasionally messed around with it too).

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15:30

Stacys Mom Dead at 53 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WAYNE, N.J. World-renowned MILF Stacys mom, made famous by rock band Fountains of Wayne, died suddenly last night due to a heart attack at the age of 53, sources close to the family confirmed.

I was watching her out at the pool all day, said 18-year-old David Anderson, who described Stacys mom as his guardian angel. Then I saw her grab her chest and run inside, all nervous like. I got worried, you know? So I called 911, and they took her away in an ambulance. If I hadnt been spying on her like always, who knows how long it wouldve been until they found her? Its a shame she passed before I could work up the courage to talk to her.

Stacys mom, who recently returned from a business trip to Toronto, allegedly showed no signs of distress before the incident.

Im truly going to miss her, acknowledged Stacys moms daughter, Stacy. She was a great mom, and an even better friend. Im just nervous that the memorial this weekend is gonna be filled with a bunch of creepy dudes with middle-parted hair, wearing unwashed dress shirts.

For their part, mourners around the world are expressing their grief over the sudden passing of their favorite hot mom.

Ill always remember that time I mowed your lawn and you winked at me. #RIPSTACYSMOM, Twitter user @milf_hunter69 tweeted. Another user, @dustybubble_doubletrouble wrote, Even in death, she had it goin on #milf #RIPSATCYSMOM.

The memorial for Stacys mom will be held in her hometown of Wayne, N.J. As part of the celebration of a life well-loved, Fountains of Wayne agreed to a one-time only reunion to pay their respects.

There was something exceptional about Stacys mom, Fountains of Wayne frontman Chris Collingwood said. Every time I listen to that sick guitar solo key change towards the end, I feel memories of Stacys mom rush through my loins.

Stacys mom will reportedly be buried in her trademark red bathing suit this weekend. Meanwhile, her family has asked that people stop sending donations.

Seriously stop sending us pictures of your dicks, said Stacy. Thats not how you win over women. My mom had to change her phone number every three months because of you sick freaks.

The post Stacys Mom Dead at 53 appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:06

Toby Youngs identified why university applications are down our favourite 19 responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres the always reliable right wing commentator Toby Young offering his hot take on why there arent as many people applying to go to university these days.

And lets not forget that Young was chosen by the government to lead its new university watchdog until everyone else pointed out how inappropriate that would be.

Universities just not racist is enough is a hot take we hadnt come across before. And neither had this lot.

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14:40

Alex Jones has been ranting again and the takedowns were very satisfying indeed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

InfoWars mouthpiece, Alex Jones, is still clinging onto his social media presence by his fingertips. Hes well known for making outrageous claims and statements, including suggesting that a coating inside orange juice cartons is turning people gay and that he could prove that Michelle Obama is a man. Moving on

He recently made one of his many pompous and largely meaningless pronouncements.

The internet wasnt going to let this pass without comment these are the 24 most hilariously dismissive reactions

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14:25

GQ thinks this is a stockier build our 17 favourite things people said about it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres GQ magazine offering some essential fashion advice for men with a stockier build looking for a natty pair of swim shorts.

Except it felt like there was something not quite right about that picture, and these 17 people pointed it out in the most entertaining way.

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13:16

Bucks Party Waiting Till Very Last Minute To Discuss Whose Card Is Taking The Hit At Hotel "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |Contact There was an elephant in the room at a bucks party this weekend. Not the fact that the grooms wife to be had explicitly outlined what she would do if there were strippers present over the weekend. But who would be taking the bullet and giving their credit card to []

The post Bucks Party Waiting Till Very Last Minute To Discuss Whose Card Is Taking The Hit At Hotel appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:01

This was the best moment of the new football season and it didnt happen on the pitch "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Premier League is back as if you couldnt fail to have noticed and the best moment of the first weekends football didnt happen on the pitch.

It was Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp celebrating one of his teams four goals against West Ham.

No wonder he wears those glasses.

Source

The post...

13:00

Apple`s victory In first Trillion Dollar company race marred by doping scandal "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Apple has won the race to become the first trillion dollar company as individual shares careered through the $207.05 barrier, beating rivals Google and Facebook to the coveted post.

Apples success, say some, is due to a genius strategy of re-inventing the wheel. To date, there have been 18 different versions of the iphone that no one really needs. Expertly creating phoney money and fake wealth, while using low labour costs in oppressive China sweat factories has been hailed as a blueprint for business success.

Accolades have stalled following rumours that CEO, Tim Cook had been seen taking possession of a jiffy bag said to contain performance enhancing items. The tech giants cash pile now makes it richer than 141 Countries, approximately the same amount where it does not pay due corporation tax.

Cook has moved swiftly to claim therapeutic exemption usage, saying that not paying tax is crucial towards sustaining company health. Indeed, he added that he feels much better for it, himself.

Moreover the so called clandestine relocation of key operations to Jersey was not intended to deceive since the news was widely reported in the media, with extensive coverage appearing in the Paradise Papers. Dismissing calls to produce a medical note from a qualified practitioner, Cook laughingly reminded Journalists that:
An apple a day keeps the Doctor awaydo you not know that?

12:14

Someones dog did this and its the best animal impression youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A new breed of crocodile has been spotted in the South Wales woodland and the sped with which it reads to nearby prey is just terrifying.

All thats missing is an Attenborough commentary on top.

The post Someones dog did this and its the best animal impression youll see this week appeared first on The Poke.

12:09

Best choreographed demolition youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Some demolitions are more satisfying than others. This one definitely belongs to more satisfying.

Wait for it, wait for it.

Beautifully done, everyone!

No, THIS is art (sorry).

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11:54

11 times older people struggled with technology in a very relatable way "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Technology evolves at a ridiculous pace. By the time you get your hands on the latest gadget, theres often a new gadget just around the corner that will make yours look like something Fred Flintstone might use. Spare a thought, therefore, for the Baby Boomers those born between the end of World War II and the early 60s.

Although many of them will have developed the technology you grew up with, a whole load of them are still amazed at cordless phones. So, when they try to engage with such things as the internet and texting, a lot can go wrong. These 11 examples are proof of that.

1. Sending a text is a lot like using Google


via

2. Saving names in your phone is tricky


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3. Those tiny letters arent easy to type


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4. Predictive text can get away from you

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06:46

Satan Uncomfortable With Overwhelming Success "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a candid one-on-one interview, Satan, the prince of darkness and ruler of all seven circles of Hell, confirmed that he is uncomfortable with the overwhelming success hes acheived in the realm of mortals. While his influence had always been preval...

04:18

Russians Hack Florida Elections-O.J. Simpson is New Governor of Florida "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tallahassee, FL Florida elections officials announced today that they had solid evidence that the recent Florida elections were hacked. They point to the fact that O.J. has become the new Governor. "O.J. Simpson wasn't even on the ballot. The fact...

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06:54

Snot Hanging Out Of Kid's Nose Was Nearly A Foot Long "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was horror on a horrific scale in a local school this morning, when a student in a Science class sneezed, and produced a horrifying 'creature' almost as long as a ruler, that hung out of his nose ! The dirty Snotfest took place around 9am, a...

Thursday, 12 July

22:03

Mario Batali 'wants to adopt Russian orphan's' "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Celebrity Chef, superstar, Mario Batali has applied through a U.S. agency to adopt three Russian girls, a top Russian adoption official said over the weekend. "I plan to move to Bahrain with my three daughters," says Batali. During a recent int...

18:51

Descendants of Brothers Grimm Sue Trump Administration for Giving FairyTales a Bad Name "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The ACLU today filed yet another suit against the Trump Administration, this time on behalf of the Brothers Grimm, or rather there genetic descendants of the Brothers Grimm. "We can no longer stand by as the plots and lessons embedded in the stori...

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