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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Monday, 19 February

07:05

Time To Move On (To Next Massacre) US Legislators Say "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

us capital building

After three days of grieving, legislators in the US have said it is now time for Americans to put the Florida shooting behind them and move on to the next horrific but totally avoidable mass shooting.

This is a tough time, but life goes on. As a nation, we must now look ahead to when this will almost certainly happen all over again, probably within the next few days, statistically speaking, senior republican Paul Ryan said.

We need to come together. We need to take this a day at a time. Week by week, gun massacre by gun massacre. We can, and we will, as a nation, get through to the next entirely inevitable school shooting.

05:21

Channel 10 To Air New Show About People Watching Gogglebox Stoned "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT Channel 10, in an effort to remain on top of the pile of networks who specialise in shows about people not really doing anything, has announced that they will soon begin airing a show about people in their homes watching episodes of the hit TV series Gogglebox, whilst ripping cones. A spokesperson []

The post Channel 10 To Air New Show About People Watching Gogglebox Stoned appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:56

Vietnamese Baker Not Confident In Cocky Tradesmans Alleged Tolerance To Chilli "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Used to a booming lunchtime service from tradies on a health kick, Vietnamese baker Danny Hoang (35) is somewhat doubtful his last customer will handle the amount of chilli he requested on his pork roll. Ben Graham (34) is no stranger to a lunchtime pork roll states he was slightly offended when Hoang []

The post Vietnamese Baker Not Confident In Cocky Tradesmans Alleged Tolerance To Chilli appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:27

F*cking The Electorate Still OK, PM Says "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Malcolm Turnbull partner

Malcolm Turnbull has clarified his controversial sex ban, saying screwing the general public was still well within ministerial guidelines.

Let me be clear this is a tweak to the guidelines, not an overhaul. So, yes, obviously the cabinet will still be free to f*ck its constituents as they see fit, he told journalists today.

F*cking members of the public is a practice thats very much part of the culture. So it would be unrealistic to expect that we could somehow monitor every time that the electorate gets screwed.

If this whole issue has taught us anything, its that we know how to put our interests ahead of those of the public.

Labor, the Greens and minor parties have all stated they have no intention of pushing for reform on the issue.

__________

By Glenn Matheson and Ralph Mason

01:24

Di Natale Blows Dust Off Bob Browns Communist-Era AK47 After Christensen Death Threats "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Does he think this is a game? asked Richard Di Natale as he fed bullets into a magazine. When the purge comes, hell be hanging from a street light. Were done playing around with this guy, if he wants to get real with us, well get real with him. The []

The post Di Natale Blows Dust Off Bob Browns Communist-Era AK47 After Christensen Death Threats appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:21

EXCLUSIVE: Official Transcript Of Malcolm Turnbulls Crisis Meeting With Barnaby Joyce "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT Its been revealed today, through a leaked transcript of the crisis meeting between The Prime Minister and his deputy, that the pair found a common appreciation for the classic 1961 film Breakfast at Tiffanys. Read the full transcript, obtained by the Betoota Advocate, below: JOYCE: Youll say weve got nothing []

The post EXCLUSIVE: Official Transcript Of Malcolm Turnbulls Crisis Meeting With Barnaby Joyce appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Racism over thanks to Black Panther movie "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sociologists and Caucasian film investors have joyously declared Black Panther the solution to all racial discrimination in the United States unless you happen to be Mexican.  Setting aside decades of disenfranchisement and the repercussions of slavery, all is now right with the world, equality is solved and popcorn sales are up.

Black Panther has helped challenge the stereo-type that African culture cannot be reduced down to a comic book format and an exploitative franchise.   In fact, the film has cured all discrimination, in the same way that Wonder Woman solved the gender pay gap and Spiderman confronted arachnophobia in the workplace.

One film historian explained: Black Panther is this centurys first significant African American hero.  I think we can ignore Wesley Snipes as Blade in Blade, Blade II, and Blade: Trinity.  And Halle Berry in X-Men doesnt count because shes a girl.  Barak Obama? Never heard of him.

Trending under the name #BlackFilmRevenuesMatter, one movie goer said: My grandfather used to bang on about forty acres and a mule but this film has fully reimbursed my family for two hundred years of inconvenience.  And the great thing about a fictional country like Wakanda, is we dont need to feel guilty about its history, we dont need to find it on a map and Oxfam are unlikely to find prostitutes there.

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Sunday, 18 February

22:36

George Christensen Not Coping With Mum And Dad Fighting "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nationals MP George Christensen is not coping with the fallout from his Leader Barnaby Joyces affair and is said to be acting out. With reports that he has threatened other children with his toy gun.

We see it quite often with children that when the parents are fighting like Barnaby and Malcolm the children often act out in frustration, said Childhood expert Ian Strap. In Georges case when he pulled out his cap gun and pointed it at the Greens we had to take action by confiscating the toy and sending him to timeout.

George didnt take it well. At first he was shouting out threats and punching the wall but finally after twenty minutes he calmed down and stopped sobbing.

When reached for comment at his tree house office in Townsville George Christensen said: Cant you see the sign, no smelly journalists allowed. Now go away you cant come in unless youre my Dad. You havent seen my Dad Barnaby have you?

I miss everything about him, from his beetroot coloured face, to the smell of alcohol wafting from his pores. I wish Mumma Turnbull would let him come home.

Mark Williamson

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18:31

Study Finds Debating Table Lamp More Engaging Than Average Republican "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Critical thinking on the right side of the political spectrum is officially dead. Elvis has left the Trump rally. The reactionary fact-less responses that define todays political landscape now permeates every corner of the Twiright Zone. Thankfully, real evidence of the problem is surfacing, as a recent Oxford study supports my shift from a Deplorable designation to an Unreachable one. Facts can no longer penetrate the Trump supporters noggin, period.

16:38

I Dont See Color, but I Refuse to Let a Physical Limitation Stop Me from Being Racist "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Chances are good that when you meet a new person the first thing you notice is their race. Well, not me. You see, I dont see color. When I look at a crowd of people I dont see black people and white people and middle eastern people, I just see human beings. However, I refuse to let my disability impact my day to day life.

I may be colorblind but I refuse to let that stop me from being a huge racist.

You see, I have rod monochromacy, which causes the inability to distinguish any color accompanied by light sensitivity and generally poor vision resulting from non-functioning or absent retinal cones. When I was 6 years old my pediatrician, Dr. Patel, told me that I had this rare and horrible condition and explained that it meant I would never see color the way everyone else does. But Ill be damned if Im gonna let some Indian tell me what I cant do.

Its been an uphill battle. When I started I couldnt tell who I should like and who I should hate without the assistance of a volunteer Klansman. Now, thanks to social media, I can simply take a picture of someone, ask the Internet what color they are, and get an answer sometimes in under a minute!

Related: If Im Such a Racist Then Why Do I Have So Many Prepared Responses to Deny It?

 

Researchers are working on new glasses that could allow people like me to see color. That would be amazing. Im tired of pretending that I believe other races to be genetically inferior. Frankly Ive accidentally gotten to know quite a few black people due to my condition and, overall, I like them. But until that day I will carry the banner of white nationalism with pride, because handicapped people need to know that with enough determination there is nothing they cant accomplish.

Oh, I mean, you know, if theyre white. Haha, I keep forgetting that part.

Colorblind? No worries! Hard Times shirts come in gray and slightly less gray:

16:00

European Court overturns Brexit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The European Court of Telling Everyone What to Do, What to Think and How to Act has finally reached its verdict on Britains referendum regarding her continued membership of the EU.

Obviously, this referendum was invalid announced the Court But not for the obvious reason that such a referendum was utterly pointless.  The greater issue was that this referendum failed to comply with the fundamental EU directive that all people voting in any kind of referendum shall if they vote the wrong way be entitled to be forced to vote again, and continue to vote, repeatedly, until eventually they get it right.

A separate hearing is scheduled to be held later, to determine whether the inhabitants of an island off the north-west coast of Europe were in contempt of court when they told the court to just fuck right off.

15:30

Punk Assures Friends New Boyfriend More Fucked up Than He Appears "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

SAN DIEGO Local punk Kelsey Hernandez insisted yet again today that her new, non-punk boyfriend is more of a loose cannon than he appears, skeptical sources confirmed.

Its difficult explaining a relationship with mixed levels of punk-ness, said Hernandez of her boyfriend, marketing specialist Josh Remington. Its like they look at us, and all they see is my bullet belt, and his Dockers, and they think he must be my brother on vacation from church school or something. They never even bother to learn that Josh has four drunk and disorderly arrests on his record, and once punched a firefighter.

Friends admitted theyve struggled to accept the non-traditional relationship.

Kelsey told us her new boyfriend was going to meet us at a show last week, said Jen Ricks, longtime friend of Hernandez. But, out of nowhere, this dude in a polo shirt and drinking Bud Ice comes up and puts his arm around her. I almost laid him out but then, she kissed him.

Kelsey claims he hasnt talked to his parents in years, but I wouldnt be surprised if you told me he just got back from a ski trip to Big Bear, fellow friend Angie Brigdon added.

Hernandez has been upset and hurt by the judgments of her peers.

Related:

My friends have been pretty uncool to Josh every time I bring him around, said Hernandez. Just because he wears boat shoes and has a 401(k) doesnt mean he isnt full of rage. Just last week, he put his fist through the window of an L.L. Bean. If people would just give him a chance, theyd find he does fuck shit up just in his own way.

Remington, the normie in question, echoed Hernandezs positive outlook on their relationship.

Kelsey is a great girl, he said fondly. Shes so kind, and warm. Some of my friends and family might judge her because of her mohawk, or her vest, but once they get to know her, I think theyll see shes just a sweet girl who loves cooking, PBS, and taking care of foster dogs.

Need...

13:00

Britain ecstatic as man comes 3rd sliding down a hill on a tray "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Some bloke youve never heard of has warmed the cockles of the nations heart by coming third in Olympic downhill tray-sliding in the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics.

His financial future is totally secure as he is now destined to be taken to our hearts and tread a well-worn path sure to see him win Sports Personality of the Year, be knighted in The New year Honours list and be given the freedom of his hometown, wherever that is.

Dom Parsons told reporters: Im delighted to have been able to make a name for myself in such a minority sport. My heroes have always been Steve Redgrave and Chris Foy, because look at the handy touch theyve had for years just for paddling a boat and riding a bike.  Britain is so desperate for success in any international sport that if you can pull it off, no matter how obscure it is youre sorted.  Made for life.

11:00

Health and Safety Nazis invade Poland "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tabloid columnists were up in arms today after battalions of overzealous health and safety officials dubbed Health and Safety Nazis  were seen marching across the Polish border wearing hard hats and high-visibility jackets, and armed to the teeth with clipboards and pens.

Just dont say I didnt warn you, said Richard Littlejohn today. Those Health and Safety Nazis had been getting too big for their steel toe-capped, ankle-supporting boots for too long now. In fact Im surprised an invasion took them so long, but then I suppose they had all those risk assessments to complete. Who do they think are going round imposing their twisted world view on people? If I didnt detest the very concept, Id say this was a flagrant abuse of human rights.

According to the Daily Mail, Poles had watched anxiously for days as ranks of Health and Safety Nazis had massed along the border. Vehicles reversed into position beeping to warn bystanders of the approaching hazard, while troops manoeuvred heavy equipment by keeping their backs straight, bending their knees and letting their thighs take the strain. At intervals lookouts were stationed on ladders, a fellow officer standing on the lowest rung to provide a safe and secure base at all times.

God knows what those killjoys will do, continued Littlejohn. They wont be happy until there are cones around every trip hazard and Slippery when wet signs beside all the lakes. I wouldnt rule out an aerial bombardment of the country with educational leaflets, but not before advance forces have laid out Caution Men working ahead signs. This cant be allowed to go on we must find a final solution.

However, by late afternoon jubilant Daily Mail reporters on the scene were claiming the invasion had failed. Countless captured Poles sustained paper cuts from being forced to read the Nazis Staying Safe in the Concentration Camps propaganda it was a bloodbath. Soon after the Fhrer of the invading force, Adolf Jobsworth, retreated to his bunker, put on protective ear muffs and shot himself in the head with a cap gun. It was a victory for common sense.

10:42

7 subbing failures to make your day better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A classic of its kind.

Which prompted people to share a whole bunch more, some familiar, some less so, all entertaining.

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10:32

The new Pixar film sounds awesome "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Who wouldnt want to watch this?

And it turns out theres even a spin-off in the works to this headline from the Independent.

And just in case you want the full story, you can read about it here.

Heres a flavour.

A cow has been living alone on an island, attacking anyone who comes near, after staging a miraculous escape on its way to a slaughterhouse.

The animal made its bid for safety last month after it refused to get into a lorry taking it to be killed for meat. Instead it rammed a metal fence before making a dash for the nearby Lake Nysa, south Poland.

After the cows owner, known only as Mr Lukasz, attempted to get it back to the farm, the cow broke one of his workers arms, according to Polish news show Wiadomosci.

Source

The post The new Pixar film sounds awesome appeared first on The Poke.

10:23

Shooting survivor calling out Donald Trump on live TV is best thing youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The most amazing bit of TV youll see this week, as survivor Emma Gonzalez calls out Donald Trump over his response to the Florida school shooting.

Emma Gonzalez is a survivor of Wednesdays deadly school shooing and heres what she had to say to Trump.

If the president wants to come up to me and tell me to my face that it was a terrible tragedy and how it should never have happened and maintain telling us how nothing is going to be done about it, Im going to happily ask him how much money he received from the National Rifle Association.

Heres how Trump responded or rather, didnt respond to the shooting.

...

10:04

James OBrien shared a screenshot of an old phone he gave his daughter and everyones choked up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Broadcaster James OBrien shared a screenshot of an old phone he gave his son a while ago and its struck a chord with so many people this weekend.

Heres what he said.

He wasnt the only one with something in his eye, his post shared 11,000 times on Twitter and liked by more than 50,000 people.

Here is how people responded online.

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03:47

Dream Catcher Above Local Millennials Bed Has Only Caught Broken Ones So Far "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Aside from being permanently locked out of the housing market, persecuted for enjoying a popular stonefruit smooshed onto bread for breakfast and being forced to take out huge loans for his tertiary education, a local 25-year-old is remaining mildly positive. Matt Dylan, of Betoota Grove, says he first hung []

The post Dream Catcher Above Local Millennials Bed Has Only Caught Broken Ones So Far appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:42

Putins Quest For Alien Tech In Antarctica "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Russian President Vladimir Putin has been scouring the frigid Antarctica wastelands for exotic alien technology, devicesoffensive and defensiveto help combat a malicious race of extraterrestrials believed to hail from the Nibiru System. In early March, just before the first round of the Russian presidential election, Putin will make his eighth voyage in seventeen months to the frozen continent.

According to a Ministry of Defense (MoD) official wishing to remain anonymous, several alien specieshostile, benevolent, and neutralhave visited Earth, in some cases either accidentally or intentionally leaving behind foreign technology.

In June 2016, a Russian orbital surveillance system detected anomalous heat blooms at two Antarctica locations: one deep beneath the Larson Ice Shelf, and another underneath Valkyrie Dome. Our source said Putin initially suspected that the heat signatures belonged to United States military assets conducting illegal weapons testingpossibly nuclearin the area.

President Putin was very concerned that Americans might be trying deploy nuclear weapons in Antarctica. Russia already had scientific research team in progress, so the Kremlin instructed them to check out the closest thermal signatureat the mountain Valkyrie Dome. They avoided Ice Shelf location because it meant overflying USA-controlled Amundson-Scott research station. Putin did not want to tip his hand in case Americans were deploying weapons.

But, our source added, the Russian team found no evidence of American troops or weapons anywhere near Valkyrie Dome. Rather, they discovered a cave mouth that seemed to wind into the depths of the Earth, opening into an enormous subterranean cavern with an ecosystem all its own. Unlike the glacial plateau above, the chamber, which had several arteries leading even deeper underground, was a self-contained biosphere, with a constant temperature of eight-three degrees fahrenheit, replete with warm lakes and streams, and plant life. Also, it held what the scientific team deemed to be inorganic, advance...

00:55

Tell your parents Youll be dead soon, advises young Remainer "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A young Remain supporter, frustrated by the fact that his generation will have to live with the consequences of Brexit for longest, has come up with a new strategy for winning Leavers around to his way of thinking.  In the past, weve too often just told Leavers they were gullible, stupid or racist, he explained.  Clearly, thats just going to harden attitudes, when we should be focused on their hardening arteries.

Today were launching a campaign encouraging young Remainers to tell their parents Youll be dead soon, so you ought to vote the way I want.  If they dont accept the logic, try pointing out that theyre looking a bit pasty this morning, they had red meat for dinner again last night, and belonging to a gym is no use unless you actually go.

While youre at it, try asking them to be a bit more frugal in their lifestyles, or else therell be nothing left for you to inherit.  Seriously, two trips to the garden centre this weekend?  What you just spent on compost would keep me in vaping accessories for a month.

The young mans parents initially declined when asked for a comment, until finally his mother issued a statement admitting they clearly hadnt done a great job as parents, to which his father said: Its not all our fault dear, they get these things from their friends.  Anyway, thanks to Brexit, hell be dead soon.

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Saturday, 17 February

22:01

Nibiru At Our Doortstep, says Dr. Trowbridge "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Frozen iguanas in Florida, blankets of snow covering North Carolina beaches, super storms brewing in atypical geographical locations, and powerful earthquakes rocking Mexico and Great Britain all reinforce scientific assertions that a brown dwarf star with multiple orbiting planets is slowly but surely nearing our planet, says Nibiru whistle-blower and former USGS climatologist Dr. Ethan trowbridge.

Dr. Trowbridge says mounting evidence points to the existence of Nibiru, which for the last 1600 years, give or take, has been on the inbound leg of its long journey through the solar system. Earth, he insists, is at Nibirus mercy.

Just look around you, and look at the evidence right before your eyes, said Dr. Trowbridge. Seven-point-two Earthquake rocking Mexico, more showing up all over the place. The severity and frequency of earthquakes are reaching unprecedented levels, and Nibiru is at least partly responsible for the escalation of super storms and atmospheric aberrations across the globe. Time is growing short.

Nibiru, he adds, has fully emerged from behind the dark side of the sun and is now gaining velocity as it escapes the suns gradational pull and reenters a highly elliptical course, with an orbital eccentricity of approximately 0.97 relative to Earths southern hemisphere. What this means, he says, is that even at a distance of over 130,000,000 miles, Nibiru is powerful enough to latch onto Earth and cause both geomagnetic and geophysical transformations.

Like Ive said before, right now were experiencing a see-saw effect, where Nibiru pulls on the Earth and then the Earth attempts to right it. All planets have this abilitythis is why after previous flybys planets have recovered from Nibirus influence. Otherwise, all planets in the solar system would have been flung out of orbit permanently.

A principal called orbital elasticity, he said, allows planets to bounce back from potentially devastating pole shifts. Once Nibiru sweeps past ...

17:47

Facebook Can Boost Your Post R.I.P. Grandma for $10 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hi Facebook user! We threw this article into your newsfeed because we have a new tip for you based on your activity. It seems that posts similar to your post (R.I.P. Grandma) performed well after being boosted! Try boosting your post (R.I.P. Grandma) for $10 to reach up to 3900 new people!

Wanna share (R.I.P. Grandma) with a wider audience? Now you can! For just $10 this post will be seen not only by the people who should be seeing it in the first place because they have chosen to follow you, but by complete strangers as well!

So just who does your awesome post (R.I.P. Grandma) get shown to? You decide! Boosting not only gets your post seen, it gets it seen by the right people! Who would you like (R.I.P. Grandma) to be seen by? Men in their 20s? Women? People who have liked pages that you have liked, such as Reservoir Dogs and I Fucking Love Science?

Related: We Exposed Facebooks Plot to Decrease Organic Reach but Only 13 People Saw It

 

It looks like your post (R.I.P. Grandma) is performing well, great job! Tell you what, well actually give you $10 to boost this post so you can see the difference for yourself!

Additionally, our AI has flagged another one of your posts (R.I.P. Grandma) as sad. In accordance to Facebook decency standards, your account will be suspended for 24 hours.

Hard Times merch is more cost effective than boosting a Facebook post. Plus, you dont feel like youre also selling a part of your soul:

16:12

DNA Test Confirms Scat Of The Elusive Bigfoot Discovered In Produce Section Of Safeway "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Flagstaff, AZTeam Search Truth Quest (STQ) believes they obtained irrefutable evidence of the existence of a hominid-like primate living in the produce section of a local Safeway. According to DNA testing, via STQ member Alex Bones iPhone app, the scat contains both human and primate DNA. Captain of STQ, Mick Zano, said, This is like finding the Holy Grail inside the

16:00

Apathy Party threatened by radical new group Inertia "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

One of Britains most well-established and highly-respected political parties, the Apathy Party, faces a new threat to its established order.  A small group of fanatical inactivists, anxious, as they say, to restore the party to its core values and calling itself Inertia, has begun to unorganise in local branches.

The Apathy Party was losing its way claimed one inactivist.  Candidates were occasionally thinking of actually seeking nomination, which would have required party members specifically and consciously to refrain from voting.  That is contrary to everything our party holds dear.

The main objective of Inertia will be to ensure that no possible candidates ever even think about volunteering, let alone nominating anyone else, to do anything at all.  Sitting non-candidates need to be aware that they risk de-selection if they are ever even merely suspected of contemplating engaging in any activity of any kind whatsoever.

The party has remained utterly indifferent to its very foundations by this shock revelation

15:30

Aging Goth Removes Ribs to Put Socks on With Ease "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NEW ORLEANS Local goth Peter Draven McGinty, burdened by his age and weight, has surgically removed his lower two ribs to alleviate his struggles with putting on his socks, confused surgeons confirmed following the operation.

Every time I try to put my socks on, it ends in failure and wheezing, said the melancholy McGinty before the operation. I thought about removing my lower ribs back in the 90s for other purposes, but didnt follow through. Now I need the procedure just to make it through this dire world of pure blackness with my boots on instead of flip flops.

Friend Branwen Thatchborne supported McGintys choice.

You might not believe this, but Peter used to be a God amongst men. Thats why we called him Draven like from The Crow, lamented Thatchborne over a chalice of absinthe. But now that he looks more like Marlon Brando from The Island of Dr. Moreau, the procedure makes perfect sense. I thought about doing the same thing in my youth to help with corset training, but Im old fashioned. I just developed an eating disorder.

Related:

Though they ultimately conducted the operation, McGintys medical team was hesitant to perform the surgery, and repeatedly urged him to try more routine procedures.

I commonly recommend my patients with weight issues undergo gastric bypass surgery, followed by a lifestyle change to a well-balanced diet and exercise, said Dr. Kendra Patel. This bizarre rib resection, while not medically warranted, did satisfy his issue and grant him street cred. The whole thing seemed like bullshit to me, but he paid cash up front and I have a yacht to pay off, so, whatever.

Following the successful surgery, McGinty is recovering and looking forward to dressing himself without passing out. While the goth is now more aware of the benefits of exercise and diet, he still allegedly believes it is much too mainstream and too positive to endure.

The best way to support The Hard Times is to buy a shirt, so do it now:

...

13:00

Digital Services manager not actually passionate about job "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

While having a quick drink after work on Monday, digital services manager Sarah Barrett has admitted that she in direct contradiction to the office wide email announcement sent round earlier that day is in fact NOT passionate about keeping customers secure online and protecting the information we hold of theirs.

Im paid to, Sarah confessed, thats true.  But to say Im passionate about it?  Thats not quite right.  Later after missing the twenty-seven past train and resolving to definitely get the next one Sarah, exasperated now, said: Im passionate about two things my husband and learning languages.  Thats it.  Digital services is just a job.  Whats wrong with that?  Why isnt that enough?

11:00

Anti-capitalist protester starts anti-capitalist events management company "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

it's only right to think of the poor people of China in all this...An anti-capitalist protester camping outside St Pauls Cathedral in London confirmed today that the experience has inspired him to start ProtestEx the worlds first event management company dedicated to making sure your bid to overthrow the status quo goes without a hitch.

The people running this one have done brilliantly, said Christopher James of Kingham, Oxfordshire. Its a great central location, near Starbucks and Pizza Express, and theres plenty of opportunities for a few sherbets in the evening. But all the organisers are hippies and unemployed, so they had some time on their hands, and that got me thinking what if you wanted to start a protest but couldnt fit the destruction of the entire bourgeois rentier system into your busy working schedule? Youd need an events manager just like if you were planning to get married.

ProtestEx offers to handle all aspects of creating a protest, from catering to communication to accommodation. We can even sell you colour co-ordinated tents that spell out your aims when viewed from a BBC helicopter Ive got a source in Shanghai, said Mr James. But Im also looking to branch out into other causes. Fox hunting, anti-nuclear, anti-Murdoch you name it, well help you hate it. Obviously we cant promise your protest will succeed, but we can guarantee you unlimited skinny macchiatos during the attempt. If things go well Im hoping for a stock market flotation in 2015.

What we want is to make sure your big day goes off without a hitch, he continued. You cant have just anyone turning up, so weve negotiated favourable security rates with G4. Can you imagine if gypos showed up on your campsite with their dogs, unruly children and big fat brides? Nightmare! The last thing you want when demonstrating to save the world is a bunch of selfish people only worried about their own needs. Well stop them for you for a fee.

10:39

This is how much Jamie Foxx wants to talk about Katie Holmes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This actor whos going out with another actor really doesnt want to talk about it so you probably shouldnt ask him on live TV.

How much doesnt he want to talk about it?

This much, as Jamie Foxx was asked about Katie Holmes ahead of a celebrity basketball thing.

Well take that as a no comment.

Source

The post This is how much Jamie Foxx wants to talk about Katie Holmes appeared first on The Poke.

10:34

Girlfriends unfortunate chewna mix-up goes viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres tuna. And then theres chewna. Or is there?

This guys text exchange with his girlfriend went viral because, well, see for yourself.

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The post Girlfriends unfortunate chewna mix-up goes viral appeared first on The Poke.

10:22

Moira Stuart reading out these 1984 by-election candidates is an unexpected treat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weve always liked Moira Stuart, but weve never liked her quite so much as we did when we watched this.

Because youre probably wondering, its this.

David Bentley is our favourite.

If youre wondering why it doesnt happen so much these days, it might be something to do with this.

And for the very committed among you

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10:06

The replies to this suggest classroom resentment runs deep "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This question went viral because so many people had things to get off their chest.

Plus, a lot of the replies were very funny.

Here are our favourite 11 responses.

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07:05

Ad-Ridden Sudoku App Early Lock for Moms GOTY "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MUNCIE, Ind. Linda Schulte, mother for 34 years and recent smartphone owner, announced in a Facebook post today that Too Much Sudoku, a free-to-play mobile application based on the popular puzzle game, had established itself as frontrunner for her 2018 Game of the Year honor.

best app I have. finally a reason to own this ipod!!! [sic] Schulte said. deb, have you heard of this to  much sudoku game?

The post has since received recognition from across Schultes social network, including five Likes and one Wow Facebook reaction, as well as two comments.

Regarding other buzzed-about titles, including Florence and The Room: Old Sins, Schulte stated: dont know if ill be able to upload these but ill try!!! (son helped me get sudoku on my phone).

A follow-up reply asked if her entire list of Facebook friends could see the post, which she explained was supposed to just be sent to deb.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Since acquiring an 8GB iPhone 5C from 31-year-old son Randall, Mrs. Schultes gaming habits have changed significantly. Previously, friends and family had known Schulte as the Jumble queen, a reference to her skill with the popular syndicated puzzle series.  

The installation of Too Much Sudoku has led to what Schulte described as an obsession in a subsequent Facebook post. Someone help me to stop playing these addicting sudokus, said Schulte, before Haha reacting to her own post.

Randall Schulte, the second of three children in the family, has also observed the effect the game has had on his mother. She ran out of memory and started deleting photos of her dogs, said Schulte. Photos of grandchildren. I was like, Just get rid of the Sudoku app and she swatted me.

...

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US Navy surveillance off North Korea deciphers mysterious audio from Pyongyang "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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Melania To Gorilla Glue Donald's Package To Bed Frame "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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Al Gore Releases 3rd Movie, "An Inconvenient Bitch Session" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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Al Frankenfarter resigns from Senate to run for POTUS "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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