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Wednesday, 23 August

20:28

Theres a brutal hidden message in this resignation letter to Donald Trump "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The latest person to resign from Donald Trumps White House is Berkeley University professor Daniel Kammen, who quit as Trumps science envoy.

Fortunately you dont have to be a scientist to spot his hidden message to Trump and the rest of America.

Need a hand? Well, it IS pretty small type.

Who are we to argue with a scientist?

Hes not the first person to do this just last week these guys did a similar thing, spelling out resist.

At this rate, its going to be pretty tricky to resign WITHOUT doing one.

19:57

Sun God Apollo Claims Responsibility For Provocative Path Of Mondays Eclipse "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mount OlympusApollo, the Roman God of the Sun, has taken responsibility for both the track of this weeks solar eclipse as well as the message it was meant to convey to all Americans. Apollo minced no words, Up yours, United States! You have got to be the stupidest civilization we Olympians have ever visited, and you have know idea

18:00

Grandma to Offer Chicken as Vegan Option "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CHARLOTTE, N.C. Local grandmother Dolores McComb is offering chicken as the cruelty-free option for tonights homemade meal, according to sources dreading the dinner.

McComb has reportedly been hypersensitive to providing meat alternatives for family dinners ever since her grandson, Mike Hillard, adopted a vegan lifestyle 15 years ago.

I suppose it all started one Fourth of July when he said he found some hard things in his hamburger, McComb said while seasoning the chicken. I tried to explain to him that thats life sometimes the hard parts end up being the best parts. But, hed already made up his mind.

McComb even shopped at a local farmers market instead of her usual grocer, The Beef Barn.

I had the oddest experience, McComb said. I went to this hippy-dippy market to pick out my chicken and watch the slaughter, just so I know it didnt suffer but all the meat was already prepackaged. I did learn that the chicken I bought was named Sandy, and that a little girl on the farm grew really close to the bird before it was slaughtered. She was very loved.

A recent study confirmed that most elderly people consider chicken, fish and cured meats viable vegan options.

Related:

There seems a direct link between not living near a coast and not knowing what constitutes as an animal product, said Dr. Lisa Carroll, the head researcher of the three-month study. The landlocked elderly are most likely to serve you a vegan meal including skin or fur, and to struggle to comprehend why anyone would avoid cheese.

Knowing McComb is trying her best to accommodate his diet, Hillard admitted hes been shoving meat-filled napkins into his pockets for years to spare her feelings.

Every time I see her, she gives me these little handwritten recipes for veal marsala or turkey chili, Hillard said. I dont even put honey in my rooibos tea, and she expects me to eat a dead baby cow soaked in a marsala wine reduction? Im just glad her dog is...

17:40

Mid-market tabloids clamour for tragic re-death of Diana "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tabloid newspaper editors have begged the Royal Family for another tragic death of Princess Diana. One tabloid editor said: The 20th anniversary of her first death will soon reach a huge climax, as she herself did with assorted surgeons, military men and polo players. Now is the time to remember her life by having her die in mysterious circumstances all over again in an episode that shocked the world and sold millions of newspapers, books and documentaries featuring a bikini-clad princess staring moodily across the deck of a billionaires yacht.

This has nothing to do with the slow and agonising death of the tabloid newspaper industry. Its the only way to bring Britain together again, after the pain and anxiety linked to Brexit. Only this time round Di will die where she belonged. In a British tunnel, chased by British paparazzi on British motor bikes after being followed by a mysterious British saloon car, possibly a Ford Escort. It would also lift the spirits of the Duke of Edinburgh, who will have the perfect alibi this time round.

But one doctor has pointed out that the scheme might be impractical. Writing in another mid market tabloid, the doctor, who usually writes about breast implants and bedroom antics explained: Death for most people is a once in a lifetime experience, so it might well be hard for Di to re-die without some significant scientific advances, that are unlikely to happen in the next couple of days, despite this papers massive donations to medical science.

But another tabloid editor called the doctors view a mere detail citing the re-death of an obscure religious figure of almost equal popularity to Di some 2000 years ago, which went on to spark huge interest round the world, prompting a book that nearly sold as many copies as Di a life in swimwear. The editor went on to argue: The Royal Family rules by divine right bestowed by none other than God himself. So a word in his ear from the Queen, explaining how the once mighty tabloid industry is on its last legs and only he can save it, might just do the trick!

16:00

Astonishment as new US whiskey made using modern methods "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A US drinks manufacturer recently caused astonishment by announcing that they intend to make their new brand of whiskey using the latest modern methods.

In accordance with standard industry practice, their advertising agency had already put together a campaign detailing the small town in the deep south where its supposedly made in a way that aint done changed none since the 1850s, which unfortunately didnt go down well with the brand director.

Why would we still make whiskey the way people did then, as if the last 150 years of science never happened? Are we gonna deliver it by horse and cart too? Maybe with someone riding shotgun in case of injun attack?

And what the f*ck is all this down-home, cornbread-eatin, good ol boy shit? Should we just go the whole hog and put the Confederate flag on the label? And some pointy white hoods? And maybe make it in a town with lynch in the name?

Unfortunately, early indications are that the public havent taken to either the unconventional branding or the product itself, and the company may be forced to rethink their modern advertising campaign and replace their high quality whiskey with one that tastes like cough syrup.

YaBasta

15:00

If Youve Got Something to Sarahah, Sarahah It to My Face "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

OK listen up: Ive been going to hardcore shows since before you were in diapers. And if theres one thing Ive learned, its that if you want to Sarahah something to somebody, you better Sarahah it to their fucking face.

Thats how men act.

So if you have a problem, question, compliment, or maybe you have a secret crush on me, then go right ahead and Sarahah it to my face right now, pussy.

And if youre out there Sarahahing shit behind my back, you better watch it, because Ive been a member of this scene long enough to hear when something gets Sarahahed about me. Ive got friends in high place, kid. These friends have been into hardcore since before you were in diapers.

Actually, another thing about your diapers: theyre soft. Too soft. When I got into hardcore I wore diapers that felt like fucking sandpaper, bro. And you know what, Im not going to lie they tore my shit up. Its still not the same down there. But thats why its called HARDcore, not SOFTcore.

Related: Wow! A Local Hardcore Legend Is at Your Doorstep. Hes 15 Minutes Late with the Pizza, How Much Do You Tip?

Back in the day, we used to beat the fuck out of diaper-wearing babies like you. Literally. We found babies and we just fucked their shit up, bro. Yeah, I dont know why, but those were wild times, you fucking pussy. Nowadays? Nowadays when someone has a problem they just go on the internet like a little social justice keyboard warrior instead of walking right up to me, looking me dead in the eyes, and Sarahahing it to my fucking face.

RIP real hardcore.

RIP real life.

RIP men.

14:25

Rogue toddler takes over ITV lunchtime news "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So this just happened on the ITV lunchtime news.

The family were in the studio to talk about milk allergies, just in case youre wondering.

https://twitter.com/ITV_DaytimeUK/status/900334405050302464

And its not even the first time its happened. Remember this?

Source ...

13:19

Theres something missing from this Vogue staff photo "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This seasons colour is white all white if this staff team photo at Vogue magazine is anything to go by.

It was published in the magazine to mark the departure of its long serving editor, Alexandra Shulman.

Now Naomi Campbell has joined in on Instagram.

This is the staff photo of @britishvogue under the previous editor #AlexandraSchulman. Looking forward to an inclusive and diverse staff now that @edward_enninful...

13:07

One of the beautiful moments in TV history "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

From a US news channels coverage of Donald Trumps rally last night. Glorious.

Lets pick up a little bit more of what the president is saying, see if there is something worth following

I went to better schools than they did, I was a better student that they were, I live in a bigger more beautiful apartment and I live in the White House too which is really good.

Clearly there is nothing worth following in what he is talking about now

And while were here.

Source

The post One of the beautiful moments in TV history appeared first on The Poke.

13:00

Cromer police label WW2 low-level disorder "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Cromer police today had a look back at World War Two and declared it nothing to be concerned about really, and stated that it definitely didnt have anything to do with any Nazis who were actually jolly fine fellows.

Weve had a good look at the Second World War, following a complaint, but found it pretty low-level stuff really, said Cromer Chief Constable Steve Magoo. I think there were claims of an atomic bomb or two at the end of it but we didnt see anything, so I wouldnt be too worried.

The people of Cromer can rest-assured, he continued, that if there was another WW2, the Cromer police force would take a take a very, very stern watching brief and do nothing, as is our tried and tested modus operandi. Weve noticed over the years that if we do nothing, everything eventually just goes away. Its what I like to call pro-inactive policing.

Critics of say it was quite hard to miss WW2 as it lasted 6 years, killed over 60 million people, and as the name suggests, was a world war. However the Chief Constable brushed them off saying bollocks, I never saw nothing. He then closed his eyes and put his fingers in his ears and started chanting lalalalalalalala..

daneade

12:48

When you crave attention but also close yourself off emotionally "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Source

The post When you crave attention but also close yourself off emotionally appeared first on The Poke.

12:37

When your cat is plotting to kill you but your dog is trying to warn you "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Source

The post When your cat is plotting to kill you but your dog is trying to warn you appeared first on The Poke.

12:27

Look at the guys in the boxes to see why these photos have been shared 100,000 times "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Two pictures of Wayne Rooney, taken four years apart at Manchester Citys Etihad Stadium.

But its not Rooney were interested in, its the three guys in the two boxes in the crowd.

What a spot!

2013.

2017.

Four years down the line, still in the same seats and still flicking the Vs at Wayne Rooney. Still furious.

Source

The post Look at the guys in the boxes to see why these photos have been shared 100,000 times appeared first on The Poke.

12:00

Main Character Reassures Final Boss Those Side Quests Meant Nothing to Him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WIDOWBRIAR  Video game protagonist Danaes has reportedly assured final boss the Hollowsplicer, Scourge of Xissan, that the many side quests he completed before their epic battle meant nothing to him.

The Mage Warrior Danaes spent many hours exploring the world of Xerarth, completing a variety of minor, tedious quests before finally entering the giant arachnids lair. The 80-ft. tall, multi-limbed Hollowsplicer took time before the long awaited duel with Danaes to express his discontent.

You picked up the Heart Diamond hours ago, and earned more than enough XP to defeat me, so what took so long? asked the mythical beast as tears of acid fell from his many eyes. Apparently, instead of defeating me and rescuing the Sprite Kingdom of Xissan rather slay 200 necromancers and then help a farmer find all his goddamn chickens. I get it.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Danaes claimed that his motive for completing so many sidequests prior to the fight was not selfish, but instead an effort to make their final battle more competitive and exhilarating for them both.

You think I was collecting all those nightingale flowers and cobalt potions for fun? Danaes said. I was doing that for us, baby. I wanted us to have the best final battle that Xissan had ever seen.

The beast reportedly accepted his apology, and the battle commenced, ending with Danaes plunging the legendary Spectral Blade into the Hollowsplicers scaly chest.

Despite issuing an apology, many residents of Widowbriar said they were sure Danaes would pull the exact same crap on a reincarnated Hollowsplicer in the sequel.

Article by Patrick Coyne 

Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the internet. Follow us on Facebook...

11:49

Are you dog 1 or dog 2? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Twitter @DickKingSmith exhibits two dogs who demonstrate very different approaches to the same problem. Which are you?

Turns out if your dog 2 youre not just lazy. Oh no.

Source

The post Are you dog 1 or dog 2? appeared first on The Poke.

11:35

This graph will make you smile at the sheer predictability of human stupidity "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So this is a graph of search terms in New York earlier this week.

Cant see what the two lines represent?

No-ones stupid enough to look at a solar eclipse without glasses though, right?

Source

The post This graph will make you smile at the sheer predictability of human stupidity appeared first on The Poke.

11:23

Cant believe Ronaldo has leaked the first 6 tracks on Morrisseys new album "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So Ronaldo has been having a moan on Instagram and it got @BeardedGenius thinking.

Morrisseys new album comes out in November, just in case you didnt know. Cant wait?

Dont forget to follow @BeardedGenius here.


READ MORE

10 lyrical flowcharts and other stuff inspired by Morrissey

Source

The post Cant believe Ronaldo has leaked the first 6 tracks on Morrisseys new album appeared first on The Poke.

11:03

When Lord Buckethead beat Theresa May in a scarecrow competition "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Every year a village called Flamstead in Hertfordshire holds a scarecrow competition, and loads of people make comedy scarecrows for their back gardens.

This year the result was especially exciting.

Heres the winning entry.

And the unlucky loser.

Despite not winning enough votes for a majority, the Theresa May scarecrow is going to form a coalition with this lot to stumble through the next few years.

 

The post When Lord Buckethead beat Theresa May in a scarecrow competition appeared first on The Poke.

09:30

22 things that are worse than having to get out of bed in the morning "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So @danielleboddy_ spoke for all of us when she tweeted this first thing in the morning.

And a whole bunch of other people came to the rescue. Feels better already, right?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

09:02

Aspiring Barista Tired of Writing Major Hollywood Screenplays "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOS ANGELES Local writer/director/producer/aspiring barista Judd Apatow has been turned down time and again for entry level positions at every coffee shop in town, according to friends and family close to the highly successful Hollywood filmmaker.

In the coffee business, its all about who you know, lamented the world-weary Apatow, just after checking the status of his rsum at The Daily Grind. Its so frustrating to be burdened with the dream of making perfect cappuccino foam, only to be turned down again and again. I show up to work at HBO every day and just think, Jesus is it ever going to happen?

Apatow moved to Los Angeles in 1992 with dreams of success in the latt art game, taking on a side job writing for The Ben Stiller Show to make ends meet. Unfortunately, hes been stuck in the dead end entertainment industry ever since.

Its the classic story. I moved to the big city with a dream, took some lame Hollywood writing job to get by, then they offer you a promotion, and you think, Well, sure if i take that position producing Freaks And Geeks, I could move to a nicer apartment. And before you know it, youre in too deep, said Apatow, looking wistfully out the window of his beachfront property. I havent even made my own coffee since 2003 my assistant gets it for me. Christ, what a fucking rut.

Apatows wife, actress Leslie Mann, said her husband has become increasingly disillusioned by the coffee industry.

Related:

Judd is always trying to make friends with baristas to get a good reference, but most of the time, I think theyre just using him to get a Hollywood bigshot to read their scripts, said Mann. Even when he lands an interview, they dont want to hear that he can make a latt swan they just want to know how often he talks with Seth Rogen.

Apatow admitted his obsession with coffee has shown up in his films as well.

Someone tried to tell me that Funny People had a sad ending, and Im just like, W...

08:45

You will need to look twice at this picture to realise its not very, very rude indeed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So this guy was looking up spa hotels online when he thought hed stumbled on something totally different.

You can see where hes coming from, right?

Reminded us of this picture (no, its not very rude either. Just looks like it).

Source

The post You will need to look twice at this picture to realise its not very, very rude indeed appeared first on The Poke.

08:20

Total eclipse of the facts. Presenters devastating Trump takedown goes viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So Donald Trump held another of his rallies in the US where he pretended to repeat his comments about Charlottesville but left out the bit about violence on many sides.

Here are the two versions, just in case you missed one of them.

And here is the devastating takedown of the so-called president by CNN presenter, Don Lemon.

Source

The post Total eclipse of the facts. Presenters devastating Trump takedown goes viral appeared first on The Poke.

08:05

When you take a picture of the eclipse and it looks like a Game of Thrones advert "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Okay so we know youve probably had enough of the solar eclipse by now but seriously, just one more picture.

Boom.

You dont have to be a Game of Thrones fan to appreciate it, but it helps.

Oh, er, no, well, that wasnt what we were thinking.

Thank goodness, not just us.

READ MORE

A whole bunch of our other favourite eclipse pics and videos

Source

The post When you take a picture of the eclipse and it looks like a Game of Thrones advert appeared first on The Poke.

05:30

Palace Coup As Deep State Generals Force Trump to WAR! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The deep state has seized millions in profits from Steve Bannons Fidget Spinners

Internet Chronicle White House correspondents follow Steve Bannon as he was fired from the White House. Flicking an Alex Jones fidget spinner, Bannon boards the first flight out of Dulles to meet with Jones at Bohemian Grove.

The two men share a hot tub at Bohemian Grove as the reporters stand to the side, writing on legal pads with golden ink pens. Their hasty notes, venn diagrams, and economic calculations outline a vast conspiracy of power, and they stand at attention, scrutinizing the hideous fat old men as if they are pinholes into radiant Truth itself.

General McMaster, the new most powerful man on earth strides by to gloat. The NSA report showed what you were doing in the media was creating a lot of terror attacks by hyping ISIS. Your hands are bloody in Charlottesville, too. You wackos were in charge of the most powerful nation in all of history, and look what you did with it. I hope you take that to your grave.

Deep state imperialist! shouts Jones, sobbing into Steve Bannons shoulder. Its not fair. We were the best vampires, and taken out by a palace coup. Bannon strokes  Jones head. No Alex. We have the power. We still have the power. Bannon jams a syringe of methamphetamine into Jones, causing him to stand up and start flexing, shouting at the reporters and offensively clenching his nutsack at McMaster. Fuck you  and your fake news media, your Deep State. The people are going to rise up and this time well watch Bohemian Grove burn to the ground, bitch.

As his show begins the next day in signature meth addled, sleep-deprived rage mode, Jones shouts insults at the spit soaked microphone like its crawling with maggots.

Apparently some of you morons out there havent figured this out so let me make it clear. Theres no such thing as chemtrailing. Globalism is good for the average person, and big government means big democracy. Lets face it, Im only entertainment, people. IRONY. How stupid could you be? Thats all Infowars is, its a vehicle to increase my own personal power. Its a joke. And when I lie about the news, Im just throwin my weight around.

Donald Trump paid me, people. He paid me big time just by appearing on my show. Looking back, I wouldnt have done anything differently. I did the right thing and so did every listener of my show who voted for Donald Trump. But look, it didnt work out. They were just too powerful. Steve Ba...

05:29

Howard Was The Best PM We Ever Had Says Bloke Wearing Sleeveless Puffy Jacket "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local bloke, who was barely even a teenager when John Howard was voted out of power, has today regurgitated his conservative fathers drunken golf rant that suggests the former Prime Minister was the greatest Australian leader in modern history. It is not yet known to the other punters at the Lord Kidman []

The post Howard Was The Best PM We Ever Had Says Bloke Wearing Sleeveless Puffy Jacket appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:00

Hippy Chick Whips Out Entirely Different Vocabulary Around Blackfellas "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A caucasian free-spirit has today revealed she has a completely separate vocabulary to use in front of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people. The Northern-Rivers-based daughter of several prominent Brisbane legal professionals says she feels really at one with the country and First Nations people in Byron Bay, where she has lived in []

The post Hippy Chick Whips Out Entirely Different Vocabulary Around Blackfellas appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:55

White House says images of President Trump looking at eclipse without protection are fakes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Office of the President has released a statement earlier today that declared the images of President Trump looking directly at this weeks solar eclipse to be doctored fakes. Donald Trumps team made the explosive allegations during a Washington press conference where they released the unaltered images that showed the president wearing protective []

The post White House says images of President Trump looking at eclipse without protection are fakes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:08

Malcolm Roberts Orders Brand New Tin Foil Suit For High Court Appearance "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Senator Malcolm Roberts has been busily scouring the suburbs of Canberra in search of a brand new tin foil suit to wear to the High Court ahead of his upcoming appearance.

They say that clothes make the man but in this case tin foil clothes protect the man from dangerous cultural marxists stealing his thoughts, said Senator Roberts. Im glad Im having my day in court, finally I can prove that I truly believe that I am not a British citizen.

And while I am in court I will get a chance to put to the judges some of my other beliefs. Like how global warming is a myth and that turtles are proof that the illuminati are evolving into unkillable monsters. Now if youll excuse me Im off to do some more research on the internet.

One Nation leader Pauline Hanson could not be reached for comment on Senator Roberts as she was busy scouring fancy dress shops in preparation for the Senates return.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on...

02:32

NRL Community Still Too Scared Of Ian Roberts To Vote No On Same-Sex Marriage "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As national debate rages over the proposed changes to the marital act, religious federal politicians such as Tony Abbott and Scott Morrison have taken to convincing Australias working class into ticking NO in the upcoming postal vote in a protest against political correctness. However, while the Christian Lobby and far-right factions of the []

The post NRL Community Still Too Scared Of Ian Roberts To Vote No On Same-Sex Marriage appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:39

Local Tailender Drops A Grand On New Bat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local number 9 batsman has walked out of Wilson Sporting Goods on Mitchell Avenue a thousand dollars lighter after he simply couldnt walk past this seasons offerings from Kookaburra. Though he barely averages double figures, Michael Plug told The Advocate that the blame for that lies in his []

The post Local Tailender Drops A Grand On New Bat appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Comments on X Factor must meet principles of classical rhetoric "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Simon Cowell announced a crackdown on poorly constructed judges comments on X Factor today, after revealing that he has sought the advice of classical Greek philosophers Plato and Aristotle in an attempt to boost ratings in forthcoming Series 14.

Theres nothing we can do about the talent pipeline, or the absence of any obvious baking or ballroom dancing elements to the format, announced Aristotle, aged 2400, and founder of the entertainment consultancy its All Greek to me. But the comments from the panel consistently suck. Take Louis stock line, You look good, you sounds good, youre gonna be a star. Theres no credibility, no logic. Wheres the use of emotional appeal? With the return of Nicole and Sharon, Im really worried. Things havent been this bad since I quit the Lyceum Factor in 330 BC.

Stress tests of the shows key components revealed that few of the judges comments from Series 13 complied with all 5 of Aristotles Canons of Rhetoric, noted the duo. Indeed Louis failed to achieve a single observation that was strong on all the elements of invention, style, arrangement, delivery and memory.

In contrast, many of Simons wise words were given a clean bill of health, particularly his iconic I didnt like it, I loved it. This is a classic of the genre, gushed Plato, enhanced by years of repetition and delivered with an increasingly mischievous sense of irony. Going forward, its mission critical that all judges now develop the bandwidth to reach Simons benchmark level.

The duo have also recommended a series of other innovations for improving ratings. Plato has suggested a return to the Socratic method, with judges posing questions to contestants for up to five hours to get to the fundamental truth of each act, although he has remained silent on how ad breaks will be incorporated into this approach. Aristotle, ever the pragmatist, has proposed a higher specification car in the viewers prize draw and even tighter trousers for Dermot.

Listen, I found these guys surprisingly persuasive, admitted Cowell, although they could start an argument in an empty room. They also suggested that some sort of shaming for poor oration, like you used to see in Ancient Greece, might motivate the judges. I told them not to worry on this count, as public humiliation was already written into the DNA of the show.

00:24

Angry Thong Throwers Protest Australia Day Cancellations "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Australias elite thong throwers have expressed their outrage after two Melbourne local councils voted to cancel January 26th Australia Day celebrations, causing havoc to their training schedules.

Mate, you dont just rock up on the day and start throwing thongs like a rank amateur, complained world thong throwing champion Rick Toestrap. I do several months at a high altitude training facility in Switzerland chucking clogs for eight hours a day to get my arms up to peak performance level. Its a finely balanced program overseen by sports scientists from the AIS.

Has anybody stopped to think about the owners of $2 dollar shops, said Becky Shod, president of the $2 Dollar Shop Owners Association. Therell be chaos if we have to cancel container loads of tatty Made in Myanmar bowler hats covered in Australian flags.

Coalition minister Christian Porter criticised the councils, stating they should be sticking to their day jobs, before returning to his own day job of not having a parliamentary vote on same sex marriage.

The best solution would be to retain January 26th as Australia Day but to change the meaning so that it becomes an inclusive celebration for all Australians, said thong throwing historian Gavin Flipflop. I prop...

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Tuesday, 22 August

23:47

Trump Base Prepares For Tonights Phoenix Rally "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sheriff Joe & the Arpiao Fascists set to kick off the festivities at 6, and set to kick some immigrants by 7.  

20:58

Who are the 1% who dont like food served on a circular plate? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So it turns out youre not the only one who doesnt like it when youre in a restaurant and your food is served on a piece of roof tile (AKA slate).

But who are the 1% of people who dont like their meal on a circular plate?

And why the hell is flooring panel on there? Shovel? Boot? Have any of you ever experienced any of these?

Whats the weirdest thing youve ever had a meal on? (And dont say, ketamin. Well, you can if you like).

So many questions.

20:43

When Sylvanian families go bad our 14 favourite foul-mouthed Forest Friends "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We love this Sylvanian Families parody account, @forest_fr1ends, on Twitter.

Heres 14 of the best (follow them here).

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19:45

Letter of the week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Word for word, this is the best thing Ian Rankins ever written.

Source

The post Letter of the week appeared first on The Poke.

18:00

Walmarts Unbeatable Low Prices Crushed by 924 Gilman Stoar "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BERKELEY, Calif. Walmarts unbeatable low prices were reportedly crushed last quarter by seminal DIY venue 924 Gilman Streets in-house snack-and-zine shop, according to several delightfully confused sources close to the latest financial statistics.

I mean, yeah Ill take a bag of chips for 75 cents, Dylan Baker, drummer of The Turd Gurglers and Gilman customer, said. Im a little confused how they can afford to sell them at that price, but Ill take it.

Despite many pleased customers, Gilman has sustained heavy criticism for their business practices.

I will be boycotting Gilman until they pay the workers who produced this insanely low-cost food a living wage, said Elizabeth Stephens, who has boycotted the club 21 different times during her 14-month stay in the Bay Area. Enough is enough.

Gilman has been accused of forcing wholesalers to reduce their quality of goods, and the living conditions of the workers who produce those goods, in exchange for highly sought-after shelf space in its flagship Stoar.

Related:

Their entire staffing operation is problematic: they rely on so-called volunteers to run the space. All of them should be paid a living wage of at least three Operation Ivy patches per show, said Jackie McInnes, who has spent the last six years living in New York. These prices are inhuman. Until those fat cats stop hoarding profits, I will not be going back.

When asked about price-matching with the longest standing U.S. punk club, Walmart spokesperson Alex Schmidt said the company intends to take Gilman head-on, but worried the chain would simply be unable to accept the human cost related to Gilman Stoar prices.

As much as I wish we could match [these prices], Walmart just cannot compete unless our vendors decided to donate all their goods, Schmidt said. And I will also be boycotting 924 Gilman Street until my concerns are given serious room for debate at the next volunteer meeting.

Snippet: Walmarts unbeatable low prices were reportedly crushed by DIY venue 924 Gilman Streets in-house s...

16:57

When watching people looking at the eclipse is more fun than the eclipse itself "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For a few lucky people it was even more fun watching people looking at the eclipse than it was to actually look at the eclipse itself.

1. These 3 people were spotted by aBowlofSpaghetti on Reddit. They are using cardboard boxes as eclipse projectors. This really is a thing

They werent the only ones trying the cardboard box trick, it turns out.

I passed by a bunch of people with expensive looking camera equipment and dark welders goggles. At the very end of the line was a man looking into a box of Reeses Puffs cereal.

Used a box of cinnamon toast crunch and it blew my adolescent sons mind. I was surprised how well it actually worked, myself.

2. Saw this woman getting a better view of the eclipse, said grumpntug.

I was thinking maybe some leaves were blocking her view, but then should could just move a few feet

No, she was clearly trying to get closer to the sun and any more reasonable theories will be ignored by me!

Shes still closer than if she was standing on the ground. I mean, this is stupid but she accomplished her goal.

3. Grandpa, what was 2017 like?

...

16:04

When Guardian columns look like spoofs but in fact they are all genuine headlines "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Twitter @lisagravesart has been very busy stitching together the headlines on a bunch of pieces by her favourite Guardian columnists.

Really? Well lets take a closer look.

She might be right, you know.

...

16:00

ITVs This Morning studio cleaning staff walk out over Eamonn Holmes slime trail "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ITV cleaning staff responsible for maintaining the studio used to broadcast the popular, This Morning show, have walked out in protest at having to remove the trail of slime that presenter, Eamonn Holmes, leaves in his wake when he leaves the studio each day at midday.

A spokesperson for the disgruntled workers told reporters: Its bad enough having to sweep up all the dog ends and sponge the whiskey stains from the sofa after Piers Morgans stint on Good Morning Britain, but having to mop up Eamonn Holmess slime trail is beyond the pale as far as were concerned.

Its not too bad if you can walk behind him with a mop and bucket when he leaves, as its fairly easy to clean up when its still wet. The problem comes if you dont get to it quick enough and it goes hard.

Ive lost count of the number of times members of the cleaning staff have complained to me about having to get down on their hands and knees with a scraper 10 minutes after hes left.

Holmes was unavailable for comment last night but his wife and co-presenter, Ruth Langsford, told newsmen: Ive been on to him for years about this one. He secretes this oily slime from his pores that runs out of his trouser legs. Its particularly bad after a Manchester United away win in my experience.

Jonny Shlep

15:47

Angry Scottish driver swearing at sheep in middle of the road goes viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weve all been there right, stuck behind an animal on a country road that just doesnt know the meaning of left or right, just stop and straight ahead. Not that were blaming it or anything.

Its Curb Your Enthusiasm meets All Creatures Great and Small meets Take the High Road. In a way.

Well let you know if she has any luck.

This person wasnt laughing though.

Source

The post Angry Scottish driver swearing at sheep in middle of the road goes viral appeared first on...

15:00

I want you to enter the escape room that is my mind. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Escape rooms are everywhere. And why not? Theyre a fun fad thats probably not going away anytime soon. Its such a great time being a part of a group trying to solve a series of puzzles to escape a room filled with zombies, or to go hunting for lost treasure buried at sea or solve mysteries like Sherlock Holmes.

But there is one escape room that has no one has yet to leave, and no one ever will leave.

I want you to enter the escape room that is my mind.

TICKTOCKTICKTOCKTICKTOCKTICKTOCK

Do you hear those church bells ringing? I dont. But why would I? After all, I was dead the day I was born. Or, at least, I wish I was. Why would I want to leave the moist comfort of Mothers womb? Just to taste the sweetness of Mothers milk? There must be more to this world than that. There is more to this world than that. Thats what Mother always told me. Mother Knows Best Thats what she always whispered even when she could not speak. This all started with her. THERE! In the corner. Thats my childhood bed. Sit on it. Rip open the stuffed brown bear my grandparents gave to me before they were euthanized. Those Polaroids? Those are of my mother. She cut out the eyes herself. But me? I cut out her womb. There is a number on the back. That is the first number you will need. Have you ever used a nautical lock before? Now you will. And now I can hear the church bells. They ring loudly. They deafen me. The silence is golden. Just like her hair. I was 12 when I fell in love for the first time. Not with Mother, you dirty dirty dirty boy. But with Tonya.  She was like Mother in many ways. We were in math class together. But I thought we could be more. But she never talked to me. She never said anything to me at all. I could hear her thoughts. They rang the bell. But she did not hear mine. There. On the bookshelf. There is my middle school yearbook. Open it. Find Tonyas picture. You cant. Her face has been cut out. But that key where her face was? Take that. And use it to open up the box underneath. That bag of hair? Thats Tonyas ponytail. I took that from her. That was the last day I saw her. But I took her hair so she would never leave me. On the bottom of that box is a math problem. Solve it. Thats the second clue. Youre getting closer. But are you? Because you think you know Mother. You think you know Tonya. But do you know me? Do you know the powers I have? Do you know what Im capable of doing? I am both man and monster. I am both hero and villain. I am both alph...

14:26

Donald Trump solar eclipse updates 6 of the best "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

1.

As revealed by @TechnicallyRon, who you can follow here on Twitter.

2.

Heres what Fox News made of it, confirming everything you thought about Rupert Murdochs news network.

Heres what other people thought.

3.

4.

14:00

Man who tried to carve out his own route through IKEA store so very sorry "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who was trapped in the Thurrock branch of IKEA for almost seven hours yesterday spoke of his deep regret today at having ignored the strict arrow-based system for navigating the store.

Mike Brenman, 37, from Braintree had been to the furnishing store many times before, and analysts believe this may have contributed to his over-confidence in going off-road.

I did see the arrows on the floor but I only went in for a deck chair and a garlic crusher, so I thought it would be OK to try and cut across departments. But I just ended up back in the same place about 12 times. I see now how foolish my actions were, and Im so very sorry for any distress caused to others, particularly my son who had opted to wait in the car.

An IKEA spokeswoman stated that the incident served as a valuable lesson for anyone planning on visiting an IKEA store. Unfortunately a shelf-unit Mr Brenman purchased as an afterthought was missing a vital retaining screw and so tomorrow he will have to spend another seven hours waiting in the returns department.

13:00

Trump orders NASA to change Moons orbit to allow monthly eclipses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump was so impressed with the solar eclipse across America that he has instructed NASA to make it a month occurrence. Theres no gravity in space he tweeted, so how hard can it be?. A further tweet said And if they could make the Sun less bright, we wouldnt need those dumb glasses.

Despite the earlier demand the President later tweeted that he never said any such thing. Fake news! Failing #nytimes says I ordered NASA to change moons orbit. Real patriotic Americans know the moon and the earth orbit around me! Sad!

An anonymous White House spokesman said If he wants less bright sunshine, he shouldnt talk through his ass so much since thats where, according to him, the sun shines out of

Mick Turate/Titus/Oxbridge

12:00

Guy Alone at Show Physically Unable to Uncross Arms "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

COLUMBIA, S.C. Fans attending a punk show at the Screaming Lizard last night encountered a solitary male whose arms appeared to be permanently crossed in front of his body, according to multiple sources.

Oh, yeah. That guy came in after the first opener, said Bruce Thompson, the bouncer for the evening. I asked him to uncross his arms so I could stamp his hand. But he just stood there looking grumpy, so I just hit a part of his exposed wrist.

Other staff members recalled the man attempting to enjoy himself despite his negative body language.

He ordered one light beer and just kind of held the bottle by the neck, behind his elbow. I dont think he took a drink the whole show, said bartender Sally Reid. It took him forever to get his wallet out of his back pocket. He sort of leaned his butt against the stool until the wallet popped out.

Many showgoers saw the rigid man scouting the edges of the audience, seeking a good vantage point and nodding his head to the music, all the while keeping his arms folded tightly. However, witnesses claim his behavior in the bathroom caused the most confusion.

Related:

The guy cozied right up to the urinal with his arms crossed. I mean, it sounded like he was peeing, but theres no way he could have unzipped his fly with his arms like that, said one witness, who requested anonymity. He didnt wash his hands, but I guess he didnt need to.

It remains unclear exactly how the somewhat intimidating-looking man tucked his hands so immovably. Medical observers noted anything from upper body paralysis, a botched surgical procedure, or simply being uncomfortable in a public setting could be the cause.

Live music lends itself to a feeling of community, and without friends in attendance, males will sometimes take an uninviting posture, said Charlotte Lee, Professor of Psychology at Clemson University. Maybe if he loosened up a bit and tried to have fun like everyone else, he wouldnt have looked like such an unbearable asshole.

Treat yourself to a crisp new shirt from The Hard Times store, click below:

...

12:00

SSX Tricky Fan Paralyzed After Family Ski Trip "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BOULDER, Colo.  Teenage gamer Tobias Aldrich severely injured himself after emulating moves he learned in the cult favorite snowboarding game SSX Tricky during his familys recent skiing vacation.  

I still dont know what happened up there, cried Linda Aldrich, Tobias mother, after the incident. He begged and begged to be able to rent a snowboard, and we finally let him.  I mean, hes fifteen, I thought itd be ok.  Then when we got to the top of the hill he said something about a shortcut and jumped off the side of the mountain. Oh god, what was he thinking?

Several of the resorts visitors confirmed seeing Aldrich attempt to jump down a ravine to land on a trail hed spotted several feet below.  During his freefall, Aldrich detached his snowboard from his boots, extended his arms and legs as far out as he could, and spun his snowboard in his hands, making his body replicate that of an airplane. Failing to get the board back in position in time to land, Aldrich violently tumbled down the rest of the mountain.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

I have never seen anyone land a proper propeller air at this resort, and I dont believe I ever will, said Copper Creek Resort owner Jim Gladtree.  And if I do, I have a hunch that it wont be done by a teenage boy snowboarding for the first time.  That I feel pretty strongly about.

Initial reports coming out of St. Christophers Hospital claim that Aldrich will most likely never walk again.  Doctors have held out hope that with the right amount of physical therapy, patience, and luck, he may one day regain the use of his facial features.  

...

10:13

Turnbull says Australia may also have to stare directly at solar eclipse after Trumps lead "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister of Australia has said today that the nation may be bound by the ANZUS Treaty to also stare at our next solar eclipse after US President Donald Trump lead the way today in Washington. Malcolm Turnbull told a Canberra press conference today Australia is obligated to []

The post Turnbull says Australia may also have to stare directly at solar eclipse after Trumps lead appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:04

15 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh fringe festival whats your favourite? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The good people of the Dave TV channel have announced the funniest joke of the Edinburgh fringe festival, as voted for by you. (Well, maybe not you, but the great British public).

Drum roll, please.

Im not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

Its the work of stand up comic/professional poker player Ken Chang and while it topped the poll, we reckon there are better among the 14 runners up.

What do you think?

Trumps nothing like Hitler. Theres no way he could write a book. (Frankie Boyle)

Ive given up asking rhetorical questions. Whats the point?
(Alexei Sayle)

Im looking for the girl next door type. Im just gonna keep moving house till I find her. (Lew Fitz)

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella. But he hesitated. (Andy Field)

Combine Harvesters. And youll have a really big restaurant. (Mark Simmons)

Im rubbish with names. Its not my fault, its a condition. Theres a name for it (Jimeoin)

I have two boys, 5 and 6. Were no good at naming things in our house. (Ed Byrne)

I wasnt particularly close to my dad before he died which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine. (Olaf Falafel)

Whenever someone says, I dont believe in coincidences. I say, Oh my God, me neither!' (Alasdair Beckett-King)

A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a mens singles event. (Angela Barnes)

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. (Adele Cliff)

For me dying is a lot like going camping. I dont want to do it. (Phil Wang)

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark. (Adam Hess)

I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. (Tim Vine)

Weve thought about it really hard, and we reckon we like the umbrella gag best.

Let us know in the comments what you think. Or send us your own!

The post 15 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh fringe festival ...

09:59

Bloke posing with Seinfeld DVD in front of his face will make you think well you cant do that with streaming media "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This guy has stuck the Seinfeld DVDs in front of his face, which is something we really want to try doing too, and we would do if we could be arsed to get up from the desk and find the DVDs up in the loft somewhere.

And the pics in full:

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Whats so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldnt shop there

So, you think youre spongeworthy?

And no quote for Jerry as he was the boring character all the other talented ones danced around.

Anyway. Now time to rewatch Seinfeld. Its streaming on Amazon we think. If only we could find the remote.

Source: Twitter/@benfobrien

The post Bloke posing with Seinfeld DVD in front of his face will make you think well you cant do that with streaming media appeared first on The Poke.

09:53

Nation Permanently Damaged After Looking Right At Trump Presidency "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

trump eclipse

The US has been irreparably and permanently damaged after looking right at the ball of burning hot gas that is their president.

The entire country has had their hopes, dreams and retinas burnt to a crisp by continued exposure to the object in our solar system known as Trump 45.

Astrophysicist Neil DeGrass Tyson warned against the life threatening dangers of long exposure to the President.

We advise against anybody paying too close attention to President Trump, he said. The effects on a nation are not fully known although most agree they will be long term and potentially fatal.

He said a visual spectacle of a presidency of this kind only occurs once every seventy years or so, but can be dangerous to tourists and citizens alike.

For other onlookers though, President Trump is a once in a lifetime event, with many able to enjoy the spectacle freely from the apparent safety of their own Twitter.

The object known as Trump 45 is similar to other celestial objects in that it consists mostly of hot gas and is inhospitable to aliens.

______________________

By Martin Ingle

09:30

Have you ever noticed how twisted the old Richard Scarry books were? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


I never noticed how twisted these books were as a kid says RespectMyAuthoriteh over on Reddit.

Remember the little piggy that went to market? Yeah, he didnt come back, notes IAMATruckerAMA.

Source: Reddit

The post Have you ever noticed how twisted the old Richard Scarry books were? appeared first on The Poke.

08:59

Who knew that it was possible to order nothing from McDonalds and still get charged 99p for your trouble? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

@Arikuyo over on Twitter has managed to press all the buttons on the McDonalds ordering thing to get nothing:

Lets look at that in full:

No onions. No ketchup. No mustard. No pickles. No cheese. No regular bun. No beef patty.

Excellent its order 56

And theres the receipt hope they get this right!

Nice. An empty bag.

And with over 40,000 retweets and likes it looks like it has. Hooray!

Source: Twitter/@Arikuyo

The post Who knew that it was possible to order nothing from McDonalds and still get charged 99p for your trouble? appeared first on The Poke.

08:13

Someone has turned their dead family dog into a rug and is selling it because the new dog keeps trying to hump it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Katie Gold has spotted this dog dug for sale on Facebook and its making people go OMG.

Posted on Facebook saying, Had our dog turned into a rug when he died. Treasured family pet. Has to be sold as new dog keeps trying to hump it. Look for 100 pound ono. Very cosy an unusual piece.

And its gone viral and making people going OMG

Would you like a better look?

Well take two please.

Source: Twitter/@_katiegold_xo

The post Someone has turned their dead family dog into a rug and is selling it because the new dog keeps trying to hump it appeared first on The Poke.

07:13

Soaring House Prices Forcing Millennial Lego Figures To Live In Box Under Owners Bed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

lego house

An increasing number of young Lego figurines cant even afford a simple plastic brick apartment, new research shows.

As housing prices continue to skyrocket, many Lego Millennials have been forced into temporary accommodation under their owners bed, or in some cases, on the floor in the hallway.

C45102, a Lego figurine in Coburg, said the days of large properties with boats, helicopters or even spaceships out the front not uncommon for his parents generation were now well and truly over.

My parents had a 96 square centimetre block of plastic grass in the backyard. I cant even save for a deposit on a windowless 33 block apartment, he said.

He said he had heard stories of up to 12 Lego figures cramming into one small house to save on rent. In some cases the houses are unfinished or falling into disrepair one I heard of didnt even have a roof. Its a massive problem.

 

06:46

LOCAL NEWS: Sir Richard Branson visits district "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact On the second of his bi-annual trips into the heart of the Queensland desert, British business magnate, budding spaceman and philanthropist, Richard Branson, dropped into his favourite Charleville watering hole for a cup of tea. Taking the time out of his busy schedule to catch up with The Advocates []

The post LOCAL NEWS: Sir Richard Branson visits district appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:22

Tasmanian Girl Returns From Gap Year With Exciting Tales Of The Mainland "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A 19-year-old Tasmanian girl has held court for days with her vast litter of exotic and exciting fables, upon returning home to her familys village on the Western cape of the Apple Isle after a year abroad. Aside from several trips to Hobart for the arrival of the yachts, Corinna Strathgordon had never []

The post Tasmanian Girl Returns From Gap Year With Exciting Tales Of The Mainland appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:03

NRA Condemns Charlottesville Violence "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a recent interview with Fright Fart News, NRA spokesmilf Sierra Peelin decried the violence that marked recent protests in Charlottesville Virginia. "That James Fields showed incredibly poor judgement", she lamented. "Why, for a fraction of th...

05:52

Chemtrail fleet sprays along path of Eclipse "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A fleet of chemtrailing airliners followed Mondays eclipse, spraying down tens of millions of Americans who congregated to view the eclipse.
After Trumps campaign promised an end to chemtrailing of Americans, scientists record largest-ever operation.

Chemist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador and his team analyzed a photograph of the sun shining through the eclipse as it neared totality, declaring it to be the most dangerous, thickest spraying in any previously documented chemtrailing operation.

Lena Blenport of Clarksville, Tennessee stared and pointed at the sun as her neighbors gathered by their mailboxes. As the shadow of the moon fell on her world at peace, chemtrails threatened no godless scientific agenda. In a display of patriotism and Christian bravery facing down the fake news media and staring into Gods light, Mrs. Blenport viewed the suns beautiful rays and even saw the chemtrails that the liberals were trying to hide from her.

The entire neighborhood fell on their knees in prayer and lament at the sight, as Blenport cried to the heavens: Oh God save us. This Eclipse is supposed to be your beautiful miracle, not our mass extermination. Is nothing sacred? Did Trump betray us, again?

Is nothing Sacred?

Thats what leading chemtrail scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour asked during a Monday morning rooftop sermon on Mission Memorial Hospital in Richmond, Virginia.

Dont ascribe to innocent incompetence what amounts to a conspiracy against the people, to establish a new world order, and enslave the human race, Troubadour said. They know what theyre doing and they will not stop chemtrailing until were all eating pure GMO Monsanto foodpaste out of a despicable trough from 7eleven.

Dr. Troubadors spectrometer recorded the thickest and most numerous chemtrails in a...

05:21

Bouncers Tell Prince Of Denmark To Get Something To Eat And Come Back In Halfa "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Queenslands nanny-state liquor licensing laws have embarrassed the entire Australian population, after the owners of a Brisbane bar after bouncers were forced to initially turn away the future king of Denmark, Crown Prince Frederik, because he did not produce a local drivers licence. Aimed at curbing alcohol-related public disturbances while also gentrifying []

The post Bouncers Tell Prince Of Denmark To Get Something To Eat And Come Back In Halfa appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:32

Trump's secret plant to restart draft "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Not mentioned in President Donald Trump's televised speech to the nation announcing a stepped up war in Afghanistan was his secret plan to restart the draft. This time, with approval from a willing Republican majority in congress, women will be requi...

Trump's secret plan to restart draft "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Not mentioned in President Donald Trump's televised speech to the nation announcing a stepped up war in Afghanistan was his secret plan to restart the draft. This time, with approval from a willing Republican majority in congress, women will be requi...

03:57

Agitated man buying multiple packets of cigarettes in local 7/11 on PayPass denies credit card is stolen "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEWIS MOTLEY | Local News | Contact A polite but flustered young man has denied allegations that hes been using a stolen credit card to buy cigarettes. Darren Mulvey, 32, was spotted at a number of local convenience stores yesterday evening attempting to purchase as many cigarettes as he possibly could in one PayPass transaction. []

The post Agitated man buying multiple packets of cigarettes in local 7/11 on PayPass denies credit card is stolen appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:38

New Brisbane Suburb Names Just A Variation Of Wood, Lakes, North And Rivers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the Department of Housing and Public Works has found that majority of newly-built sprawl suburbs in South East Queensland are just a mix of generic words that sound nice. With the introduction of the new North Lakes off-the-plan housing estates in the mid-1990s, a steady trend began. It was []

The post New Brisbane Suburb Names Just A Variation Of Wood, Lakes, North And Rivers appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

GCSE results to show increase in meaningless statistics "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The results of this years GCSE examinations are expected to be accompanied by an unprecedented growth in the amount of irrelevant analysis about them. The volume of pointless statistics is likely to be up by at least 6% overall on last year, with those regarding A* to C grades showing an increase of over 8%. There could be a fall of around 4% in the figures regarding lower grades but that will probably be attributed to a lack of interest in what the thick kids got.

As usual, English Language and Mathematics results will be analysed the most. The forecast is that 96% of all published statistics will containing something insignificant about the subjects that all pupils are now forced to sit repeatedly until they pass or leave school, irrespective of their ability.

At the other end of the scale, analysis of grades achieved in Modern Foreign Languages is anticipated to feature in just 64% of studies, a statistic that will also be linked to Brexit for no discernible reason.

It is possible that the gender gap will increase, with up to 68% of statistics generated by male analysts this year, compared to just 63.5% in 2014. The result of this study in particular will be considered by 98% of readers to be of no significance whatsoever.

Schools Minister Nick Gibb welcomed the potential increase in statistics, claiming that Government policy ensures that the upward trend is sustainable for the foreseeable future.

We are confident that the changes to GCSE grading schemes introduced this year for Maths and English and being phased in over the next few years in other subjects will lead to an even greater rise in confusing and meaningless GCSE statistics, he said. What other explanation could there possibly be for replacing grades A* to E with grades 1 to 9 where Grade 1 is the lowest?

00:24

Prime Minister Installs Bollards Around Office To Keep Newspolls Out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has instructed his staff to have concrete bollards installed around the Lodge and his Sydney Office in an effort to keep Newspolls out.

Newspolls can be quite damaging to an agile and innovative government like mine, said the Prime Minister. I mean one, two or even thirty polls can lead to a change of Prime Minister and I dont think anyone this side of Manly Warringah wants that you know.

When asked whether the Australian people should be worried the Prime Minister replied: They should be alert not alarmed. People of Australia if you see a Newspoll just disregard it and continue on as business as usual.

Pay no attention to the dare I say it fake news of Newspolls. I am your Prime Minister as long as the rest of the coalition allows me to...

00:20

Amazing view from a plane and our 7 other solar eclipse favourites "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres a solar eclipse from a perspective you probably havent seen before.

Heres a bunch of other favourite eclipse tweets from today.

1.

2.

3.

4.

...

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Monday, 21 August

23:19

Donald Trump looks directly at the eclipse our 5 favourite responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Here are our favourite responses on Twitter.

...

21:54

Accounting Firm Closed Permanently After Total Solar Eclipse "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Columbia, SC - All of the employees of a local accounting firm filed for disability yesterday after attending a firm sponsored "total solar eclipse" reception. With all of the employees now on disability, the firm was forced to shut its doors.

21:16

Thousands Blinded By Solar EclipseMillions More Disappointed By Anticlimactic Event "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

eclipse

As the solar eclipse moves across North America, emergency rooms are filling up across the nation. Although many warnings were issued to the public not to watch the eclipse without protective eyewear, many did not head the advice and now find they have severely damaged their retinas.

Because the retinas do not have pain receptors, most did not realize they had caused damage until it was too late.

Jennifer Thompson encouraged her husband, Dave Thompson to go out and look at the eclipse, and then had to drive him to the emergency room. Dave says, I thought dont look at the eclipse or youll go blind was just silly advice like dont swallow watermelon seeds or theyll grow in your stomach. Luckily I didnt look for long and only have minor solar retinopathy- whatever that means. All I know is Im going to be out of work, and we cant afford it.

Zang Li of New York assumed once the spots in front of his eyes went away he would be ok. He became concerned when after ten minutes his vision did not fully return. I thought it was all some kind of conspiracy to sell those stupid glasses. And you know those glasses are just going to end up in landfills tomorrow. But I was wrong. Im devastated. The ER doctor said I suffered burns on 80% of my retina, and it is likely my vision may never come back.

Even more tragic than the loss of vision suffered by over 10,000 and counting, is the millions who were disappointed by the natural phenomena. Children who spent hours creating pinhole-projector eclipse viewers, only to see a lame shadow cover the sun, were left disillusioned. Zaiden Winslow, age 9, of North Carolina, says, That sucked. I wish I had stayed inside and watched TV.

The next solar eclipse is scheduled for 2024, and we can only hope future generations will heed this advice from 2017: ITS NOT THAT EXCITING, but if you must watch, BUY THE STUPID GLASSES!

 

 

20:13

Some people look at this photo and see something that definitely shouldnt be there "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Did you see it? And now can you unsee it?

Precisely.

This person REALLY WAS distracted.

Lets take a closer look.

What did you see? Or does it say more about our mind than it does about yours? Tell us in the comments.

Source

The post Some people look at this photo and see something that definitely shouldnt be there appeared first on...

20:09

Someones updated Donald Trumps star on the Hollywood walk of fame "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres whats happened to bookings at his Mar-a-Lago resort after the so-called presidents response to Charlottesville.

From Mar-a-Lago to Mar-a-Nogo.

Source

The post Someones updated Donald Trumps star on the Hollywood walk of fame appeared first on The Poke.

18:30

Just a guy in a supermarket with his dog pushing the trolley "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weve never seen this in our supermarket.

Turns out theyre not the only person who spotted him.

Which got people reflecting on what their dogs do.

Source

The post Just a guy in a supermarket with his dog pushing the trolley appeared first on The Poke.

18:00

Wrist Tattoo Doing Poor Job of Reminding Katie to Just Breathe "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. Katelyn Paskin suffered a minor concussion earlier today after losing consciousness in a severe asthma attack, despite a tattoo on her wrist meant to remind her to keep breathing, according to emergency responders.

Friends and family of Paskin were shocked that the tattoo, reading Just Breathe with the silhouette of a bird accenting the script lettering and inked just two weeks ago, has not helped resolve her ongoing struggle with the inflammatory disease.

It just doesnt make sense, said close friend Janice Skinner. The tattoo directly addresses Katies trouble breathing. Maybe she should have put it somewhere even more visible? What makes me even more worried, though, is Im getting a tattoo that says Let It Go next Friday. What if it doesnt cure my crippling social anxiety?

The placement and efficacy of the tattoo is now a major subject of debate for those close to Paskin.

How can it serve as a proper, constant reminder if she cant see it at all times? If shes wearing her favorite sweater and this happens, she could suffocate, said Drew Paskin, her older brother. From the get-go, I knew we should have gone full knuckle. Nobody would listen to me.

The knuckle placement of the tattoo was reportedly shot down by family pulmonologist Dr. Troy Van Degen, who pointed out the lettering simply wouldnt fit due to Paskins standard amount of fingers.

Related:

She would have had to put a letter on her thumb, but then the other thumb would need to have two letters on it and as a doctor I cant advise that as her physician, said Dr. Van Degen. But she also doesnt have any other tattoos, and I hate when young patients get work done on their neck and hands first.

Paskin is expected to make a full recovery, but other medical professionals have warned that additional tattoos are not going to solve the problem.

Ms. Paskin has severe allergy-induced asthma, and a simple note on her wrist will not be enough to prevent her airways from closing, said Dr. Tori Wells. ...

16:26

Fake news journalist nearly accidentally writes the truth "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fake news journalist Edgar Blyton, not his real name, came close to accidentally publishing a true story last week in Illustrated Lies Magazine. "It's not that I intended to write the truth" the fake Blyton said, "I was in the middle of writing some...

14:54

Little Bitch Wristwatch Not Even 50 Metres Waterproof "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An inferior local wristwatch wouldnt even be able to endure the water pressure fifty metres below surface, it has been confirmed. Despite claiming to be 25 metres waterproof, the portable timepiece isnt even really trusted an arms length underwater and definitely wouldnt last one day in the Australian Clearance Diving Team Four (one of two []

The post Little Bitch Wristwatch Not Even 50 Metres Waterproof appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Wednesday, 12 July

20:30

After Extreme Makeovers, Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Sanders to Hold Press Briefings on Camera, with Sound "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D. C.--President Donald Trump, who had formerly called his Press Secretary and Deputy Press Secretary "too fat and ugly" to appear on camera, has tweeted that both Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Sanders will again, after the duo's extr...

16:46

Trump.com to form Corporate Merger with Russia and rename the US to RussMerica "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After the revelations little Junior is the go-between Russian government and Trump.com little Senior is changing the law so it no longer illegal to get Clinton dirt from the Ruskies. After the alarming revelations concerning Ruski collusion...

15:33

GOP Selects the Turtle as its New Mascot "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington, DC - Since 1874 the Republican Party has been symbolized by the elephant, in contrast to the Democratic Party's donkey. Yesterday the GOP announced that it will no longer use the elephant in any advertising or other campaigns. After...

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Tuesday, 11 July

16:28

All executive Orders to be recinded as administrators find Trump.com signed all orders with Putins name "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a major administrative drama all Presidential Orders since January are to be rescinded. Apparently someone was finally reading them last week and began to notice Trump.com had not signed his own name, but Vladamir Putins. This if course...

15:20

Putin fires Mueller "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Huge drama unfolding in Whitehouse as word emerges Putin has fired the Special Prosecutor Mueller. It is only emerging that last night Putin decided to help his new best friend Trump.com with this pesky FBI witch hunt. News is only breakin...

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Monday, 10 July

09:59

Top South African model accused of being a racist because of a pair of gloves! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Now there are times whilst spoofing real stories that a top spoofer like Jaggedone just cannot believe reality, so he spoofs it anyway, and here is one story that just cannot be spoofed because it is so ridiculous, but JO wil try! A South African...

08:19

We Are A Fly On The Wall At The Republican Formation Of The New Health Plan. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

"What are we going to do?" whispered Mitch McConnell secretly to Mike Pence. " If we don't get this new AbominableCare bill through our handlers will come down on us heavy!" "First off, I think we should change the name. It sounds too much like Ob...

Sunday, 09 July

19:19

Robert Mueller Lets His Antlers Grow Ahead of Looming Trump Battle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just because it's been quiet at the special counsel's office doesn't mean that a fight isn't brewing between President Trump and Robert Mueller. Mueller's new rack, normally neatly trimmed, is proof enough that he expects to meet the president mano a...

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