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Wednesday, 19 September

17:11

Miniature horse in the back of a car is simply the most epic tale youll read this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just the most epic story you will read this week, as shared by @youngvulgarian on Twitter.

Hard to believe we know, but it gets even better.

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16:24

Leaf blowers battle Storm Ali and its the very definition of futile "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Youve got to hand it to these guys. Even in the teeth of Storm Ali and winds of up to 90mph in parts of the UK and Ireland, theres no way theyre not going to finish the job.

Blowing leaves.

And he wasnt the only one.

Either the winds doing the job for them, or its making the task totally impossible. Either way, theyre wasting their time.

Siri, whats the definition of futile?

The post...

16:00

Nero: Rome fire not as bad as news reports claimed Fact "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A new translation of the Emperor Neros diary has revealed his suspicion about reporting of the great fire which took place while he was fiddling.

Officials told me in a briefing 16 people had died. Over many months it went to 64 people. Then, like magic, 3000 people killed. Sad. So much fake news.

The Senate are LOSERS.   But even they admit Im the best fiddler, absolutely the bestest.  Nobody fiddles like me.  Fact.  No, you cant see my tax return.  Losers

 

15:55

Guy Who Doesnt Have $60 Right Now Pretty Sure Spider-Man is Overrated "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TUCSON, Ariz.  Local gamer Pierce Roderick recently expressed his opinion that theres absolutely no way the wildly popular PS4 Spider-Man game that he cant afford at the moment was possibly as good as everyones been saying, according to several reputable sources.

Sixty dollars for a reskinned Arkham game without any prominent voice actors? the poorly informed bachelor proclaimed, standing outside of a Gamestop store with $42 in his hand. There hasnt been a good Spider-Man game since the GameCube, I dont see that trend stopping now. You think they got a used copy in there?

Roderick insisted that his reluctance to be convinced of the games worthiness, despite glowing reviews and recommendations from friends, had nothing to do with the recent unexpected repairs he had to make to his car, or the fact that they cut his shifts back at The Pizza Shack. Co-workers have alleged that these claims were false.

No, hes just a broke ass, said Pizza Shack manager Todd Ursap. I first heard about that game because he kept telling me about it last year. But ever since he fell asleep on a delivery and put his car through the mall, all he wants to talk about is Fortnite.

Speaking to reporters earlier today, Roderick remained firm on his opinion, stating that no modern release could possibly compare to classic Spider-Man games of the past, especially at the standard industry price point of $60.

Everyone decided they were gonna like that game no matter what months ago, he said.  But not me, I decided that it was seriously over hyped before anyone had even played it. I mean it was totally obvious that there was no way that thing was gonna be worth 60 McChickens. Ill just stick to the superior classics, thank you very much.

As of press time, Roderick was having trouble finding a working ROM of the 1993 SNES brawler Spider-Man and Venom:Maximum Carnage.

Goddammit, said the insolvent gamer to the gathered press. Get out of my room!

The post Guy Who Doesnt Have $60 Right Now Pretty Sure Spider-Man is Overrated appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:47

Getting High: How to Do It "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Everyone knows getting high is awesome. Musicians do it. Joe Rogan does it. Hunter S. Thompson used to blaze 24/7 and he wrote one of Johnny Depps best films. But how exactly does one partake you ask? Hard Times has you covered! Follow our step by step guide to getting zooted and youll freak your bean so hard your 5th eye will open!

STEP 1: Procuring the Proper Utensils, Man

Ok so first you want to bop on down to your local spoon store. You know what Im talking about. A Tobacconist. Youre local tweak lab, youre glass gallery, youre haberdashery. Talking about the head shop yo. Dip on down to the head store and grab some bongs, some papes, couple of one hitters, about four or five chillums and a wig-wag. Alternatively the chillums could be substituted with three bangers or one bubbler but only if youre working with a diffused downstem.

Notes:
When purchasing rolling papers from heady-head headshops be sure to refer to them as water pipes so they know youre not a narc.
Eric works there on Thursdays and Saturdays. He is so fucking chill.

STEP 2: Find Guy
Finding a guy is a crucial step in the getting stoned process. Youre going to have to be cool and also chill as well. Once you find the guy (guy can be a girl too, ok bro?) youre going to want to get yourself a stash. Personally I prefer a blend of Purple Monkey Balls, Green Crack, Purple Urkle, Lurples Nerples, Joe Don Baker, Cheese Pencil and White Girl OG, but really anything will do.

Notes:
Make sure the guy isnt a fucking cop
Make sure there arent any chebba hawks looking to scheme
Seriously dude, watch out for narcs

STEP 3: Spark That Jibber!
Go ahead and pack that stash into a bat or a dug out or a g-bong or whatever and spark that shit yo!

Notes:

Dont fucking crown it!

STEP 4/20 (hahaha): Inhale The Pot

Now that your jibber is sparked, its time to use your lungs to inhale the aromatic yet acrid smoke of the cannabis plant. This is similar to conventional breathing only with pot smoke instead of air.

STEP 5: DONT FREAK OUT

Youre freaking out! Dont freak out. Dude. Dont freak out dude. OK? OK.

STEP 6: Go Look at Some Alex Grey Shit Dude!

Isnt that so fucking trippy? I mean shit, doesnt that just blow youre fucking lid off man? Holy fuck! Can you imagine if shit was like that? That shit would be fucking INSANE!

Note:

Dont freak out!

Follow these simple steps and youll be zooted off of your tits in no time! Personally, I think mari...

15:45

Unknown Pleasures to Be Repressed on Cotton and Polyester Blend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

PORTLAND, Ore. Fans of popular post-punk band Joy Division lined up for hours overnight to pick up a new reissue of the beloved 1979 Unknown Pleasures T-shirt, according to multiple witnesses.

Joy Division is easily one of the greatest brands of all time, up there with Supreme and Off-White, said fashion aficionado Kyle Thomas. I heard its gonna be a really faithful reissue a high-quality pressing on a good, heavyweight material to really get the proper tone. You know the tone of white.

I dont want to see them remastering anything in a reissue like this. Im hoping all the squiggly lines are exactly as squiggly as they were before, Thomas added.

In an official press release, Chaos Designs, the company responsible for printing the re-issue, focused on the honor of being chosen for such an undertaking.

We are just a small, hole-in-the-wall screen printing shop with two employees, so for us to bring this release back to the masses is humbling, said Chaos Designs manager Kara Cardell. The original shirt inspired us so much through the years. We hope this new pressing will continue to inspire other artists and shirt designs in turn.

Historian and self-proclaimed Joy Division expert Jamie Reynolds applauded the re-issue.

Ive been saying for years they should do a repressing most important release of the 70s, man. When that shirt came out, it completely changed the scene, said Reynolds. Before Unknown Pleasures came around, people just wore straight-forward T-shirts with no sense of melancholy.

However, while most comments were positive, not everyone was completely thrilled with the reissue.

I love Unknown Pleasures as much as the next person but, honestly, I wouldve liked a new run of Closer shirts more. Its a much more subtle, emotionally deeper shirt, said Helen Garcia, another fan waiting in line. It got me through some dark times. When my last boyfriend dumped me, I wore that shirt nonstop for, like, two weeks.

Online commenters in particular have been particularly harsh so far.

Its fucking bullshit, man. These kids are all total posers, said Instagram user Big_BuickDaddy. I bet the posers pre-ordering these cant even name all of Joy Divisions shirts.

The post Unknown Pleasures to Be Repressed on Cotton and Polyester Blend appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:31

This IT guys story of the weirdest thing hes seen at a clients house has the best payoff "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Reddit theres a thread asking People who enter homes for a living (Maintenance, cable contractors, etc), whats the strangest thing youve encountered when entering someones home?

And its got plenty of responses more than 10,000 of them but chances are none of them are better than this one.

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15:01

21 tales of excruciating public embarrassment to make your toes curl "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It began when the great @MooseAllain shared this memory from university which still has the capacity to make him wince.

And thank goodness he shared it because it prompted a whole bunch of other people to share their own moments of excruciating public embarrassment.

Well, excruciating for them, entertaining for us. Here are our favourites.

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14:53

North Korea And South Korea Declare War "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The whole world was put on high alert this morning when it was announced that the two Koreas - North Korea and its neighbor in the south, South Korea - have declared war on each other. There had been high hopes of an amicable agreement yesterday w...

14:42

Someones ranked every single Nicolas Cage film and theyre much better than you remember "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Our thanks to @joeheenan for this list in order of greatness of every single Nicolas Cage film.

And it turns out there are many more good ones than you remember.

And here they are, in reverse order (sort of).

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14:29

Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Aries (March 21 April 19)
This is the best week of the year to listen to your creative urges, Aries try rolling your hair into some new looks with any of the 200 beer cans your boyfriend leaves around the apartment.

Taurus (April 20 May 20)
No sign is more drawn to money than you, Taurus, and the numbers are looking good this week. We know a guy who knows a guy thats Instagram friends with a guy who has a hook up in real estate. Hell make your money back for you tenfold, at least! All he needs is $10K down, and not too many questions. DM for details.

Gemini (May 21 June 20)
Youll reach a fork in the road this week, Gemini, when your poor financial management leaves you to choose between buying lunch, or the Bikini Kill reissue. Weigh your priorities.

Cancer (June 21 July 22)
Commitment is your jam, Cancer, so when you say youre a hesher, you need to go the full nine yards. This includes not understanding that metaphor at all, because metalheads and sports arent generally compatible astrologically or otherwise.

Leo (July 23 August 22)
This week is a good time to be around water, Leo, so find some tranquil waters into which to dip yourself. Just make sure to stay clear of the submerged washer and dryer set in the river behind your moms house. It is seriously bad news in there.

Virgo (August 23 September 22)
Expect things to come to a head between you and your roommates this week, Virgo, when a sad attempt to pass off the raccoon shitting all over your kitchen as an exotic pet will go awry. Shut the back door before you leave next time.

Libra (September 23 October 22)
You can expect to piss off a few friends this week when you inevitably show up two hours after the scheduled start time for their show, Libra. Fortunately, youll still be 45 minutes early, so dont stress itll blow over fast.

Scorpio (October 23 November 21)
Every day is a new opportunity to change your life so how do you want to change your life today, Scorpio? We say consider acquiring a new enemy by tweeting this scene used to be cool lol, and targeting whomever takes offense first.

Sagittarius (November 22 December 21)
Crying in front of others is completely normal sometimes, Sag. But maybe dont yell, Sorry, Im on my period, IS THAT A FUCKING CRIME?! at your boss while you do it [save that stuff for the end of day email instead].

Capricorn (December 22 January 19)
Some will say that youre cold, brooding, and stern but the stars know that isnt true, Cap! They know youre really just trying to get that goth chicks attention. Stay committed to the bit: shell notice your dark poetry sooner or later.

Aqua...

14:24

Whoever made this is a genius "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This is very cleverly done and will probably make you smile despite yourself.

The video went viral but not everyone saw the funny side.

Source

The post Whoever made this is a genius appeared first on The Poke.

13:47

Simply 13 very funny Frankie Boyle tweets "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just 13 good reasons to follow the great Frankie Boyle on Twitter.

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13:00

German army at Stalingrad just tourists, historian claims "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A controversial revisionist historian has made the startling claim that a number of Germans seen near Stalingrad in 1942-3 were in fact just tourists, with no connection to any attacks on the city or its people that may have occurred around that time.

His claims were backed up by Obergruppenfhrer (a German term meaning tourist guide) Hans Schmidt, supreme commander of the 15th Panzerarmee (package holiday), who explained theyd only travelled there in tanks as VW Beetles might have got stuck in the snow.

I think perhaps people misunderstand the term Wermacht its really just our equivalent of Thomas Cook.

However, Russian authorities have drawn attention to another group of German tourists seen in the vicinity of Leningrad at around the same time, leading to most of its population starving to death.

Its one thing to bag all the bloody sun loungers before anyone else is even awake, but do they have to hog the buffet as well?

12:24

Favourite 13 times Kylie Jenner was trolled after she said this. Theyll bowl you over "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Kylie Jenner reality TV star, entrepreneur, other stuff sharing a life-changing moment when she experienced something she had never tried before. What could a person who has everything possibly not already have experienced?

This.

And here are our favourite 13 responses online. Theyll bowl you over.

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11:59

Daily Mail readers arent happy with Storm Ali but its nothing to do with storm damage or traffic chaos "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As Storm Ali threatens to bring chaos to the UK with warnings of 80mph winds and more, readers of the Daily Mail arent happy. Not happy at all.

But its nothing to do with the inevitable travel chaos it will bring with it. Oh no. Its this, as highlighted by @DMReporter.

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11:23

Just 4 classic clips from Itll Be Alright on the Night to remember Denis Norden, who has died aged 96 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Lots of people are sharing memories of Denis Norden who has died aged 96.

The presenter and comedy writer is best known for hosting ITVs Itll Be Alright on the Night but his extraordinary life and career was about so much more than that, beautifully captured in this BBC obituary.

If you only watch 4 clips from the long-running ITV clips show, which he presented for 19 years until he stepped down aged 84 in 2006, then make it these.

1. Angry Colin Baker

2. Dog

3. A familiar face

11:00

Cameron passed the port to the right "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

New revelations about David Camerons student days claim that he wantonly passed port in an anticlockwise direction.

An unnamed source, now a High Court Judge, described an occasion when Cameron allegedly attempted to fill his glass, despite being on the wrong side. Naturally, I enquired whether he knew the Bishop of Norwich this being the most direct way a gentleman may point out such a faux pas but Cameron persisted in topping me up. With port I mean, not the other thing.

Camerons debauchery did not end with port etiquette. He experimented with irregular cutlery usage, including one memorable occasion when he used a fish knife to butter a roll.

He obviously knew the correct form, said a contemporary. He just chose to ignore convention. His nickname was Hardcore, because of the depraved things he did. I saw him lick a spoon once, and a friend claimed to have heard him use the Cockney rhyming slang. Cameron was an animal.

Despite these inauspicious beginnings Cameron eventually fought his way to the top of the Conservative Party, aided only by an Eton education and twenty five million pounds he found in a bank account.

The last word goes to Lady Penelope Ponsonby-Smythe, one of Camerons old flames. Its all very well people criticising him for his wild days, but when the chips are down, and we need somebody rough enough and tough enough to deal with a Putin or a Kim Jong Un, thank God we have a man who isnt afraid to serve red wine with fish. Thats the sort of man Hardcore really is. God, I envy Samantha sometimes.

10:30

Turns out weve been opening Oxo cubes wrong all these years and its not all gravy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Were grateful to @jamieeast for sharing this revelation about Oxo cubes not a phrase weve used before and things will never be the same again.

When we say things, we mean making stock.

No! Really?

Were off to the cupboard to try it.

Some people were ahead of the curve.

09:06

This woman gave a restaurant a one-star review so the restaurant bit back in devastating style "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sometimes you run a business and someone gives you an unfair review and you think well, theres nothing we can do about it, just leave it and move on.

Alternatively you can take this restaurants approach after someone left this review, as shared by Imgur user ctrclub

Brief, to the point, and it generated this response from the restaurant.

We think Monicas lost her appetite.

And heres a selection of how people responded online.

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08:43

Supermarkets Begin Installing Blue Lights In Fruit Aisles As Part Of New Anti-Needle Measures "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Supermarkets across the country are now installing blue lights in their fruit and vegetable sections, to limit the amount of needles being pricked into fruit. This follows the Prime Ministers announcement that new laws will be introduced so people contaminating strawberries will face more jail time, if caught. Scott Morrison has described those []

The post Supermarkets Begin Installing Blue Lights In Fruit Aisles As Part Of New Anti-Needle Measures appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:32

James Blunt was running late for a show and his excuse was just beautiful "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It can be really irritating when a gig starts late because youve got a train to catch and maybe you wanted to have a quick drink in the pub afterwards.

So James Blunt fans were getting a bit restless when this happened.

Except it turned out he had the perfect excuse.

Beautiful. Although we probably shouldnt have expected anything less (a funny tweet we mean. Not the shits).

Here are a few of our favourite replies.

08:11

People were fed up with drug dealers on their streets so they did this "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well its one way of dealing with the problem of people dealing drugs on your doorstep.

People in Shoreditch, east London, have been putting up fake street signs in a bid to drive drug dealers off the streets and shame the police into taking action.

Here are 6 of our favourites, by the anonymous Columbia Road Cartel of street artists, commissioned by the Weavers Community Action Group.

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08:11

Rupert Murdoch Thinking About Making Christopher Pyne PM Just For A Laugh "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Media mogul and international king maker Rupert Murdoch has confirmed today that he is currently hatching a bold plan. The News Corp overlord spoke to our reporters over the phone explaining that he is considering pulling another power play this year. With the country still reeling after yet another leadership battle, Murdoch said []

The post Rupert Murdoch Thinking About Making Christopher Pyne PM Just For A Laugh appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:11

Coalition Advises Those Living Under Mortgage Stress Should Either Get A Better Or A Third Job "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Coalition leadership team has found a solution to the impending tsunami of mortgage stresses and foreclosures on the horizon by explaining that those people need to either get a better job or one that pays way more. Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg and Prime Minister Scott Morrison fronted the []

The post Coalition Advises Those Living Under Mortgage Stress Should Either Get A Better Or A Third Job appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:39

Stormy Daniels compared Donald Trump to a Mario character and Nintendo joined in "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You might know by now that Stormy Daniels tell-all book about Donald Trump includes a not entirely flattering description of the so-called presidents so-called penis.

Just in case you missed it (stick with us, please), heres how the Guardian reported it.

He knows he has an unusual penis, Daniels writes. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool

I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart

It may have been the least impressive sex Id ever had, but clearly, he didnt share that opinion.

Just in case youre not familiar with him, Toad is a family friendly little chap from Nintendos Super Mario series. Hes a bit of a comedy character whose biggest controversy (to date) was whether his mushroom head was a hat (its not, its part of his body).

So naturally everyone was talking about him online and then Nintendo did this.

And people werent sure if they were in on the joke or not.

07:34

Sesame Street Residents React To Bert & Ernies Outing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It would appear that what was long suspected has finally been confirmed by a writer of the popular childrens reality television show, Sesame Street: Bert and Ernie are, in fact, a gay couple. The news shook the world, but none are more embroiled i...

07:12

Indie Music Fan Crushed By Friend Recognising Name Of Band They Saw On Weekend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Sarah Goodhue was left internally seething this morning by a comment made during a run of the mill conversation with a colleague. The mid-level brand manager at a PR firm in Betootas trendy French Quarter was attempting to show off her left field interests when casually explaining her weekend movements to a colleague []

The post Indie Music Fan Crushed By Friend Recognising Name Of Band They Saw On Weekend appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:26

Top 10 Reasons Trump Will Never Step Down "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

By September of 2018, Trumps even more frantic and reckless as his allies are falling one by one to Mueller, or were fired, or fled on their own volition. The Republicans may well be sacrificing their party on the long term for their loyalty to this dangerous clown. Trump will likely destroy the GOP as more young people register to vote and join the resistance.

00:55

Man who faked death to cancel gym membership to be sentenced today "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A penitent Lee Ormsby, 41, of Chingford expressed remorse in court and says he now accepts that gym membership is for life and only God has the power to stop those direct debit payments of 120 a month plus locker fees.

Mr Ormsby, who lives on kebabs and watches eight hours of TV a day, joined the Adonis Fitness Club in a moment of madness in 2012 without noticing the eternity clause in the small print. We are committed to the muscle tone and body mass adjustment of our patrons, explains Adonis spokesman Robert Jordan, which is why we only allow them to leave in the event of the earths being wiped out by an asteroid.

At first Mr Ormsby thought he had got out of it by moving to South America, but the gym easily tracked him down with GPS technology. Within a week he was being debited from his account in the Banco de Santa Cruz and receiving leaflets in his letter box about pool facilities available for just 24.99 extra per month.

He felt sure he had finally shaken them off when he torched his house and planted a body in it that hed dug up from his local cemetery. However, a gym representative appeared at the post mortem and said, Our instructors and trainers work to the highest standards. I can confirm that this is not an Adonis body, even though its been burnt to a crisp. The monthly payments will continue.

00:17

Australian Males Baffled By Purpose Of Strange Object Found In Strawberries "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

needle-and-thread-jim-hughes

Men throughout Australia are continuing to investigate what might the purpose be of the mysterious pointy metallic objects that keep being found inside strawberries.

Its a shortish sliver of steel with a hole at end that tapers to a quite sharp point. We think it may be some kind of jousting stick for cockroaches, said Professor Barry Ocker, chief researcher at the Institute For Blokes Science. Its left us quite perplexed, and in the meantime I have all these holes in my socks and I have no idea what to do about them.

Its unlike anything Ive ever seen, said Kirrawee garbage truck driver Bob Schooner, holding up a spikey thing that he found inside a punnet. My best guess is that its a harpoon for mice who like to go whaling. As if I dont have enough to worry about with all these missing buttons on my shirt.

Men have been warned not to insert the objects into their eyes and to refrain from picking their teeth with them till their actual pu...

00:01

Russian-FBI Collusion Part 4: The Fat Lady Sings "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: Lisa Page, the former FBI lawyer was an integral part of the Love Bird team with disgraced agent, Peter Strzok. Even though she was fashionably thin, she was given the call sign, "Fat Lady" by her smirking counterpart. "Dude,...

Tuesday, 18 September

22:44

Trump on hurricane Florence: "If I'd been there I would have parted the seas like Charlton Heston! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a press conference this morning, President Donald Trump, in a stunning comment, stated, regarding Hurricane Florence: "If I'd been there, I would have parted the seas like Charlton Heston did!" A NYT reporter interrupted and shouted: "In all...

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