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Sunday, 21 January

00:04

Conspiracy: No One Seems To Know How The Loo Got Clogged "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A question as old as time itself failed to be answered yet again in South Betoota today as local family, The Turners, cannot seem to figure out who clogged the toilet. Despite mum reminding everyone that no one will be in trouble for it, a culprit is yet to come forward. Eldest daughter []

The post Conspiracy: No One Seems To Know How The Loo Got Clogged appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

Saturday, 20 January

23:52

Drug Dealer Avoids Suspicion By Taking Customer For Slow Lap Of Block In Souped Up WRX "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Andrew Slang (33), a local cocaine and ecstasy dealer, has last night revealed to one his most loyal customers just how serious he takes his job. After roughly an hour turn-around between being contacted and arriving with the illicit substances, Andrew is not taking risks. That was pretty quick by me he says []

The post Drug Dealer Avoids Suspicion By Taking Customer For Slow Lap Of Block In Souped Up WRX appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:38

19:30

BREAKING: Congressmen Scatter as Cops Show Up to Shut Down Government "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON Police officers broke up a rowdy Capitol Hill gathering early Saturday morning after receiving noise complaints from several neighbors, multiple sources report.

Shit, I havent seen this venue so wound up since the Great Recession, or that time [Louisiana Rep. Steve] Scalise snuck a baby gator into session in his briefcase, said Roy Blunt, Republican senator, after deftly avoiding D.C. police. But like I used to say back in my state government days cant stunt on Blunt, baby!

Police reportedly apprehended six freshmen congressmen attempting to evade capture by authorities, including both the minority and majority whips, a few of whom were caught attempting to squeeze through the venues basement window.

This isnt the first time weve had to come out here and it probably wont be the last, said MPD officer Corinne Diaz. Neighbors say itll be three or four in the morning and these guys are still loudly trying to blame each other for something they are all involved in. People are trying to sleep.

This is a breaking news story. More updates to follow.

Article by Rick Homuth @rjhomuth. Photo by Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles.

The post BREAKING: Congressmen Scatter as Cops Show Up to Shut Down Government
appeared first on The Hard Times.

18:32

Feminist Pioneer: This Man Championed Free Bleeding More Than 30 Years Ago "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Feminists have long criticized the way periods are portrayed in entertainment and media, but we actually have a cis man to thank for one of our most powerful forms of feminine protest free bleeding!

Thank you, Mr. GG Allin!

The Free Bleeding Movement was born as a response to Toxic Shock Syndrome in the 1970s (which is the name of a life-threatening medical condition, not a kickass punk band), but has since grown into a body positivity movement in which individuals who get their periods let them flow freely and without shame.

Now, GG Allin may not be a household name, but after stumbling upon him after mistyping egg allergy in a frantic Google search, it appears hes a proud progenitor of womens rights as a prominent free-bleeder at the birth of the movement.

Certainly no one more wholly embodied the no barriers ethos, as he famously eschewed any article of clothing, tissue, or hygiene product of ANY kind that might keep his blessed blood from flowing freely into the world without an ounce of shame.

Move over, Oprah!

Related: So Proud: My Poo-Covered Baby Is the Next GG Allin

 

Allins quest to normalize free bleeding is well documented in his music. For instance, his song Bloody Cunt Slider is very clearly a message encouraging others to go ahead and have sex with someone who is currently menstruating. Its totally normal and quite enjoyable!

Plus, we have Allin to thank for inspiring todays period panties underpants that have been engineered to be bled into as he appears to be wearing a prototype of this very product in every photograph in which he is the least bit clothed.

In fact, while our modest feminist movement is, for now, only inclusive of menstrual blood, Allin staunchly believed that no one should be ashamed of anything that comes out of a body, blood or otherwise. Talk about accepting someone for whats on the inside!

Its time society followed Allins lead in allowing us to celebrate our periods the way they were meant to be experienced: with blood jetting so forcefully from our bodies that it splatters our foreheads, clothes, and unsuspecting bystanders.

Need something to bleed on? Hard Times t-shirts absorb twice the amount of blood as the leading brand, probably:

18:30

Band on DIY Festival Comfortably Sets up Equipment Within Designated 12-Second Timeframe "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MAHWAH, N.J. Indie-rock band Chattaway were the only act at DIY music festival Wynd Fest to fully prepare their performance within the schedules designated 12-second timeframe for equipment setup, promoters confirm.

Weve been running behind all day because these prick bands can only carry one amp or one drum to the stage at a time, said lead sound engineer Cory Highland. But Chattaway was a different story they seem to actually know what it takes to be on a fest.

Festival organizer Devon Seitz detailed that, to maximize efficiency, main stage sound technicians have been thoroughly trained to loudly sigh, roll their eyes, and do absolutely nothing at any request from a performer as well as frantically point at their wrist watches whenever eye contact occurs.

This is a DIY event, for Christs sake! We dont have the time, nor the resources, for some primadonna who needs a second vocal mic on stage or some special treatment like that, said Seitz. Thats why Chattaway are the only band that can be sure theyll be asked back next year.

Chattaway bassist Josh Chambers shared his secret to handling tight DIY schedulings with ease.

Related:

As soon as the band before us is finished, I typically sprint out and clothesline whoever is standing in my spot with my amp head, and kick his gear off the hilt of the stage, so I dont have to wait for him while he takes his sweet time, said Chambers. Thats usually approximately 1.6 seconds leaving me a full 10.4 to leisurely plug everything in, tune, and adjust my levels.

Vocalist Shana Edwan later expanded on what sets Chattaway apart from other bands.

Its surprising that a lot of bands dont realize this but as long as you dont make a single mistake, expect literally nothing from the sound guy, and make sure absolutely nothing at all goes wrong, ever, setup should take a few seconds, tops, said Edwan. Keep that simple hack in mind, and your setup will be a total breeze....

15:30

Alice Cooper Unveils Plans for First Republican Goth Golf Course "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

PHOENIX Shock rocker Alice Cooper broke ground today on his new Republican-exclusive, goth-themed golf course, Welcome to My Putt-mare, developers close to the project confirmed.

The 18-hole course will be the first in the nation where goths and Republicans can work on their respective games without judgement.

Most country clubs wont let you play while wearing eyeliner or fishnets, said Cooper, clad in a black-and-white striped carnival barkers outfit, top hat, and cane, during a press conference. Welcome to my Putt-mare is a whole different beast you can be freaky and conservative here.

Development partner Eli Fitzgerald offered a grand vision for the course, which will feature greens in different shades of black.

Welcome to My Putt-mare will be a one-of-a-kind golf experience well play exclusively rock, new wave, glam, and metal in all of our facilities and on our American-made golf carts, said Fitzgerald. Our pro shop employees will be trained to offer insider coaching on both golf and heavy metal music.

Related:

The investor list is a whos who of conservative rock icons, including Kid Rock, Godsmacks Sully Erna, Gene Simmons of KISS, Ted Nugent, and M. Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold.

I jumped to invest, man, said Kid Rock from his suburban Detroit mansion. Its for rockers and wild animals like myself people who love golf, and America. When Alice told me about it, I said, Sign me the fuck up! Dont be surprised if you find me passed out, shit-drunk in one of the sand traps on opening weekend.

Cooper also announced plans for a Schools in for Summer Goth Caddy of the Year Scholarship, enabling business-minded goths to access their favorite hard-rocking conservative lawmakers.

Want to show your support for The Hard Times? Pick up a shirt today:

13:00

Adolescence lasts until 24, but being an arsehole is timeless "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sociologists are now suggesting that being obnoxious may extend well beyond the teenage years, citing the House of Commons as a perfect example of regressive behaviour, poor hygiene and hormones run-amok. Rather than ending at 19, reprehensible behaviour is not phase we grow out of; unlike learning to play the bass or believing in socialism.

Given the choice most people will stay in in a perpetual state of youth, gorging on chicken nuggets, snapchat and the hilarious antics of Justin Bieber. For instance, man-child Boris Johnson displays all the characteristics of a teenager ridiculous hair, racist banter and an inability to master the instructions behind basic contraception.

Said one scientist: Studies suggest youngsters will be 30 by the time they get their first proper job, 50 before they move out of your spare room and 70 before they acknowledge that James Corden was a mistake.

Adulthood and responsibility for your actions, may now be a point in our future we never reach, which will be a relief to the Board of Directors at Carillion. Most self-obsessed snowflakes will chose to stay as they are, or at least until they finish being the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union.

11:00

Trump becomes US President "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald John Trump, the Republican party candidate, is to be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States later today at an official inauguration ceremony in Washington DC. Trump, who defeated the Democratic Party candidate, Hillary Clinton, in a closely fought contest in November, will serve a four-year term in office and may seek re-election in 2020.

What?

You want satire? Look, this may be a satirical news website but we know when were beaten.

06:53

Man Who Only Gets His News From Sky News Panel Shows Says Hes Entitled To His Opinion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It is widely accepted the internet is the worse thing to happen to other peoples opinions since the conception of other peoples opinions. Once such example is local roller door installer, Rufus Cooper (59) who says he is entitled to his opinion and has an interesting Breitbart article that might change your mind. []

The post Man Who Only Gets His News From Sky News Panel Shows Says Hes Entitled To His Opinion appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:44

8 Things DC Could Learn From Happy Days About Cohesive Cinematic Universes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its no secret the DC Extended Universe is struggling with bland movies and tepid fan feedback. Luckily for DC, there is hugely successful connected franchise they can gleam some tips from.

Here are 8 lessons DC could learn from Happy Days about creating a cohesive narrative world.

1) Everything should be set in the 50s.

The present day is complicated and too hard for audiences to follow, setting everything constantly in 1954-57 brings a sense of stability to fans.

2) Have Superman comically misunderstand Earth culture.

Mork was baffled by things we find simple and my grandpa tells me that was hilarious. Superman should comically misunderstand everything. Stuff like not knowing what a spoon is, or letting robberies happen because he has no concept of property. Humor for the whole family.

3) Make Henry Winkler the lead.

Batman should be recast as Henry Winkler and trade in his Batmobile in for a motorcycle. Who really cares about fighting crime? Its unrelatable. Batman should spend more time fixing up hot rods and hanging around High Schools.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

4) The movies need high stakes plots, like a dance contest or a drag race.

Who cares about retrieving a box? Its dull and there is no real sense of threat. DC movies should use tense, action packed scenarios like a first date or someones car getting scratched. interesting stuff like that.

...

04:30

Whats Wrong With The NBN? Wonders Turnbull As He Downloads An Episode Of QI In 20 Minutes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Recalling his favourite episode of British variety show, QI, the Prime Minister retired to his study to find and download it from the internet. As the internet is reportedly quite fast in the leafy Sydney peninsula of Point Piper, Malcolm Turnbull thought hed have time to hose down his []

The post Whats Wrong With The NBN? Wonders Turnbull As He Downloads An Episode Of QI In 20 Minutes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:30

Actor Friend You Went To High School With Finally Makes It Big In Commercial For Vics "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Years of living with his parents, working in hospitality and endless auditions are finally paying off for high school colleague Beau Stewart (30) who has finally made his big break appearing on a television ad for Vics Vapour Rub. The 30-second television ad debuted last Thursday night on Channel 9s GEM station and featured Stewart []

The post Actor Friend You Went To High School With Finally Makes It Big In Commercial For Vics appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:17

Report: Probably Time For Uni Student To Hang The 2016 Senior Jersey Up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Friends and family of Ben Smith have confirmed to The Advocate today that its about time that he gave away his old Year 12 jersey. As Hawtin enters his 3rd year of university at the Betoota Polytechnic, long time friend Josh Herschel took the young man aside to give him some advice. Mate, come on []

The post Report: Probably Time For Uni Student To Hang The 2016 Senior Jersey Up appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:53

Ketut Wins 50% In Divorce Lawsuit Against Ex-Wife Rhonda "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT If you thought 2018 was going to be better than 2017 you might want to give up hope now as it has been confirmed today that Ketut (28) has won 50% in his divorce lawsuit against ex-wife and safe driver, Rhonda (45). In what was a bitter shock to romantic hopefuls everywhere, the []

The post Ketut Wins 50% In Divorce Lawsuit Against Ex-Wife Rhonda appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Boris announces 195 post-Brexit bridge deals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Post Brexit trade deals will be accompanied by a series of bridges linking the UK with every country in the world, confirmed Boris Johnson today. 195 new structures will be built over the next millennium, all emanating from a purpose built hub in Ebbsfleet, which has already been dubbed Boris Central and a Bridge Too Far by the media.

The UK needs to facilitate trade relations with its partners, and this provides the ideal means going forward, gushed Johnson. Just think of it, all those financial transactions and online trade, whizzing along an 8000 mile cantilevered bridge between the UK and China.

Johnson admitted that trade and tourist income would only contribute a small part of the economic benefits expected from the bridges. Rather, most of the revenue would be generated through film and TV rights from all the dark Netflix Swedish-style crime dramas that would be inevitably be located on the border points of each of the bridges.

The inspiration for the project is thought to have come from Boriss father, Stanley, whilst having his photo taken on a wobbly rope bridge in the jungle after being voted off Im a Celebrity. Carillion are believed to have come up with detailed costings for the project, with a first phase estimated to be around 500 billion, although they have already issued a warning that there may be an overspend as they work out a solution to the problem of the bridge between the UK and Australia having to be upside down for around half its distance.

hat-tip to Oxbridge

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