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Wednesday, 14 November

22:25

Morrison Appoints Abbott As Special Envoy To Bunnings To Sort Out The Onion Mess "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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Prime Minister (as at the time of writing this article) Scott Morrison has taken time out of the ASEAN conference to deal with the domestic crisis of onions in Bunnings sausages by appointing former Prime Minister Tony Abbott as Special envoy to Bunnings.

This is clearly an important issue to the people of Australia, we need to sort out how a sausage should be delivered, said Prime Minister Morrison. So who better to deal with onions and sausages than Tony Abbott.

In Tony I couldnt find a more fair dinkum bonza Aussie bloke who knows his way around a barbecue. Tonell fix this mess or create an even bigger one

When reached for comment on his new role Mr Abbott said: I am chomping at the bit to tuck into this role. I know most Australians will agree with me that a sausage sizzle isnt a sausage sizzle without the onions.

Maybe that is the solution we just remove the sausage and the bread and the barbecue and we just have charity onions. Id pay good money for that.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on...

18:32

Trump a Communist? He'll "Nationalize" Amazon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

At the recent Paris war memorial, Wikileaks secretly recorded Donald Trump telling Vladimir Putin, "When Amazon owns everything, I'll 'nationalize' it." Aghast, Putin responded: "That's communism! When you 'nationalize' something, that means the g...

17:01

Wanna feel old? This is what the kid from The Omen looks like now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Our thanks to the great @AlistairColeman for this fabulous spot.

You can see where hes coming from

Donald Trump

The kid from The Omen

Then there was this.

And it didnt stop there.

...

16:38

People have been sharing the passing insults that still haunt them to this day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Reddit people have been sharing the passing insults that someones said to them that still haunt them to this day.

What is something that someone has said to you, that made you self-conscious ever since?

And if theres something hurtful someone said to you years ago that you still remember today, it turns out you are not alone.

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5.

...

16:22

The Long And Sordid History Of Democrats And Immigration Reform "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Youre right about one thing, Zano, the immigration issue is far more involved, philosophically and historically, than our political pundits or parties tend to comment. Traditionally it was assumed and required that all legal immigrants would assimilate into our nation by truly identifying as Americans while leaving behind the racial and ethnic past. Through the assimilation

16:00

Just the small issue of total disagreement in the way of Brexit, says May "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theresa May announced today a very optimistic and upbeat evaluation of the Brexit talks. The only thing to agree about now is the degree of disagreement between us, the EU and Members of Parliament, she said today, adding, And Members of the House of Lords. And the man in the street. Apart from that, everything is agreed, she said.

When pushed she pointed to the menu for the press conference tabled to announce the decision to not make a decision. We can have or not have cup cakes, with or without tea, but either not at the same time or simultaneously, she said, admitting that she didnt understand the details herself, but left that to the Civil Servants or the caterers. Im definitely having a cup cake, or not, she said.

Asked about the issue regarding a hard boarder in Ireland Mrs May held out a plate of cheese sandwiches with the crusts cut off. Cup cake, anyone? she asked.

15:58

Retro Collection Features the One You Want and The 23 Youll Never Play "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TOLEDO, Ohio Early reviews from several sources have confirmed that the SNK 40th Anniversary Collection, released this week for the Nintendo Switch, features the one specific title youre interested in, as well as the other two dozen youll play once, if at all.

Oh cool, Guerrilla War is on here, said Marty Thackerman, receiving the collection of SNK arcade titles spanning from 1981 to 1990 as a birthday gift.  Ive heard some of these other ones are good, too. I used to play a P.O.W. machine at the arcade in the mall when all the other machines were taken. Thats on here.  

The gift came from Martys older brother, Alan Thackerman, who thought the present would be well received considering their shared history with classic video games.

I remember how much fun we used to have playing Pac-Man on Namco Museum Volume 1, he said. And sure you have to scroll past some super weird games like the one where you play as a mouse who is also a cop, but then your cursor is pretty damn close to Ms. Pac-Man on Namco Museum Volume 3!

The new collection features 13 classic arcade games, including cult favorites such as Crystalis and the Ikari Warriors series, as well as 11 more games that you could probably take or leave that have been promised as downloadable content in the near future.

It sounds cool, having a ton of games on these things, SNK Corporation president and CEO Koichi Toyama revealed in a recent controversial interview. But between us, were padding the numbers a bit. Some of these games we just made up and threw on the title screen. You think anyones really itching to get their hands on a copy of Time Soldiers or Beast Busters? No, these arent real games. We just made them up. Were counting on the fact that no one is gonna select them and realize...

15:45

Man Horrified to Learn How Much Younger Than Him New Favorite Band Is "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

RICHMOND, Va. Local history teacher Marc Afra received the shock of his life yesterday when discovering how much younger the members of his new favorite band are than he is, sympathetic sources confirmed.

I saw Laurel Leaf play at a bike collective last month. I was like, Fuck yeah, these guys are like Jawbreaker, the 36-year-old explained. Then, I looked them up on Wikipedia and learned none of them were even born yet when 24 Hour Revenge Therapy came out. And it turns out this is just a fucking side project of their old band, who put out five albums!

One of Afras students, Gabby Jackson, witnessed her teachers apparent existential crisis.

He spent the whole period on Monday looking up this band hes obsessed with and asking us to find them on MySpace but no one knew what that was, Jackson said. I found the bassists Insta handle, which was j.lawson_98 but when we told Mr. Afra that, he got really quiet, and told us to just read for the rest of the class.

Crushed that the band had already far outpaced him despite their collectively few years, Afras existential crisis surged.

How did they get all that done while their bodies were still being ravaged by puberty? he asked in desperation. When I was that age, I was stealing Maxim from 7-11 and prank calling my dads girlfriend. Fuck.

However, Afra, whose life reportedly now feels like a runaway train hurtling toward an ever-shrinking tunnel, contended hes still got time to figure out the music thing.

So what if Im older than they are? I oh, God. When I was at their show, this girl kept pointing to the band, and I thought she asked if I was having fun but I just realized she was saying, Is that guy your son? he said. When did this happen?

When reached for comment, Laurel Leaf guitarist Mando Torres acknowledged their sound is inspired by the classics.

We wouldnt be able to do what we do without the pioneers who came before us. Much respect to our elders in the Menzingers and Bayside, Torres said. We love that old school shit.

The post Man Horrified to Learn How Much Younger Than Him New Favorite Band Is appeared first on The Hard Times.

14:56

Looking Back: We Listened to Almost All of Marquee Moon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There is no more iconic post-punk album than proto-punk band Televisions 1977 art-punk epic, Marquee Moon. Thats just a fact I was told by my editor. So in honor of the albums 40th anniversary, which was last year, I revisited this influential cult masterpiece.

Some of these songs are crazy long and kind of repetitive, and thats a big part of their genius, I guess. A year went by and I still hadnt found the right words to describe just how incredibly ahead of its time Marquee Moon was, or even what genre it is, or whos in the band. Just like a great album, which Marquee Moon clearly is, an honest review takes time.

If you think about it, the amount of time it took me to finally get around to a celebration of this universally beloved album of guitar-driven songs that also feature a bass, some drums, and one or more people singing, is a testament to its raw power.

Just listen to those opening riffs of See No Evil. Theyre noodly but not pretentious, catchy but not simple, and man, they really just keep going with that riff, dont they? Im grinding my teeth a little bit. Like, I think just these eight seconds of guitar are going to be playing in my head on an endless loop when I cant sleep tonight. Its all just another part of their brilliance as musicians, vividly on display in this album, which I have listened to in its entirety.

But Im not the only one. Because, as I stated, it is essential listening. I reached out to other Hard Times Television aficionados, and their thoughts are further testament to Marquee Moons legacy.

John Danek: This album changed my life. For years, I had never heard of Marquee Moon. Then, one day, I did hear of it.

Tom Peters: The guitar interplay blurred the line between rhythm and lead, and thats usually as far as I get before someone else takes over the conversation.

Kyle Sekaquaptewa: I finished a whole season of Homeland while this album played in the background, and oh my god, have you seen Homeland? Ill let you borrow the DVDs dude, its incredible.

Steven Casimer Kowalski: From the iconic font choice to the track listing on the back, this is an undisputed classic.

Dan Rice: All I know is that I am definitely a fan of Television the important band.

The post Looking Back: We Listened to Almost All of Marquee Moon appeared first on The Hard Times.

14:49

Rapper Forgot Words To Song, So Just Kept Improvising With Ever More Tenuous Rhymes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A top US rap artist has won dozens of new fans, after he rescued himself from a potentially career-ending embarrassment during a live internet concert, when he forgot his words. The rapper, Grizzly Muthafucka (not real name), was onstage in Los An...

14:02

This Brexit protestor was very persistent and it makes for some very funny slapstick telly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A Brexit protestor briefly hijacked the BBC News channel today by standing in the background with a couple of placards which you couldnt really miss.

The director did their best by cutting to a different shot every time he walked into the background but it turned out he was always one step ahead.

And its gripping stuff.

Some kind of genius right there. Or hes just got an earpiece in. Maybe both.

13:00

Shock as Dido announces 2019 world tour without Aeneas "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a move thats stunned the music business it has just been announced today that Dido will play a 27 date solo world tour next year without long-time stage partner Aeneas.

Music journalist and 6 Music presenter Stuart Maconie commented: This is the biggest split since Robbie left Take That for the 27th time and it has really shocked everyone. For Dido to now go it alone without Aeneas suggests to me that there must have been some pretty heavy behind-the-scenes irreconcilable bust-up between the pair. Certainly there have previously been rumours about a substantial out-of-court settlement over an acrimonious royalties row.

English Baroque Composer, Henry Purcell, who first put the pair together when they auditioned separately for an opera he was writing in 1688 wasnt available for comment but a statement on his management companys website read verily tis only baroque n roll but yet tis most pleasing to me.

Meanwhile grief counselling charity, The Samaritans, is reporting calls to its emergency helpline have increased dramatically since the news broke, with hundreds of distraught fans phoning them in floods of tears completely inconsolable with grief. Said one call handler: Ive been in this game now for longer than I care remember and the last time I can recall anything remotely like this was when Ray and Dave Davies of The Kinks once had a bit of an on-stage tiff.

12:54

This kid took epic revenge on the teacher who wouldnt let him use the toilet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A Redditor called Emerald Emesis shared this epic revenge tale about a schoolboy and a bullying teacher who wouldnt let him use the loo.

Any teacher reading this will never so no to a child who needs the loo again.

Theres a little bit of explaining at the top but it doesnt take long for the tale to get going.

...

12:29

Piers Morgan had some reassuring words about Brexit but not everyone cheered up our 17 favourite takedowns "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its a big day for Brexit and Piers Morgan has been doing his best to calm the nations nerves.

It started when LBC presenter James OBrien said this.

Which was when Morgan got involved.

But if Morgans words dont immediately cheer you up, then these takedowns probably will.

1.

11:23

18 terrible maps that are actually very funny and informative "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The good people of @TerribleMaps on Twitter have been sharing, well, terrible maps for some time now.

And yes, some of them are pretty terrible, but theyre also very funny and occasionally highly informative. Here are our favourites.

[See image gallery at www.thepoke.co.uk]

Source

Breaking! Prank your kids this Christmas with Elves Behavin Badly

Sponsored Video

The post 18 terrible maps that are actually very funny and informative appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

Thousands turn out in Birmingham to see Noam Chomsky switch on Christmas lights "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

That's what makes him beautiful...Thousands of revellers have turned out in Birmingham city centre to celebrate the switching on of the Christmas lights by anarcho-syndicalist activist Noam Chomsky.

Chomsky, who wooed crowds at a similar event in London earlier this month, delivered a speech on revolutionary industrial unionism to rapturous acclaim before flicking the switch to herald the start of the citys festive celebrations.

Meanwhile in Edinburgh an estimated 2000 people flocked to an event in the citys Princes Street Gardens to watch Alain de Botton turn on the Christmas tree lights and deliver a short lecture on the pitfalls of pseudo-vernacular architecture in modern British housing.

However, there was anger among spectators in Nottingham after Oxford Professor of Mathematics and television presenter Marcus du Sautoy was unable to attend the citys Christmas lights ceremony due to ill health. When it was announced that One Direction singer Harry Styles had been drafted in as a last minute replacement the atmosphere among the crowd became tense, with fears spreading that he was about to sing a line or two from Thats what makes you beautiful.

Sensing that the mood was turning ugly Mr Styles threw away his page of music, unplugged his autotune earpiece and delivered a dialectic on how the microcosm of autocratic influence in the entertainment industry indicated an aspiration towards unchecked plutocratic, hegemonic dominance over those compliant enough not to question it.

The crowd went wild.

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10:20

Man Tries To Improve His German Language Skills By Watching 'Kolberg' (1945) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who wanted to improve his rudimentary German language skills, has told how he watched a 1945 World War II propaganda film in order to do so. Myke Woodson, 55, was left with 'nothing to do' during a four-hour break at the school where he work...

08:39

This BBC News man has gone viral in the US because he tells Brexit like it is "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BBC News correspondent Chris Mason has become an unlikely sensation in the US for this straight-talking report about Brexit.

More of this sort of thing, please.

08:21

Noel Edmonds slagging off a TV critic is so much like this Alan Partridge clip its uncanny "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Noel Edmonds is off to Im A Celebrity but while we wait for him to turn up in the jungle, lets enjoy this clip from this Saturday teatime heyday.

Its Edmonds first, then a bit from Alan Partridge second, and the two are so much alike its well, have a watch for yourself.

A-ha!

And here it is

Source

Breaking! Prank your kids this Christmas with Elves Behavin Badly

...

08:02

Nigel Farage was brutally owned by this Dutch MEP and its a joy to watch "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Most things being equal, Nigel Farage wont be able to attend the EU parliament much longer which is a shame because we wont be able to watch this sort of thing.

Its the former UKIP leader being brutally owned by Dutch MEP Esther de Lange and its gripping stuff. Need more of this sort of thing over here, frankly.

Theres lots to enjoy about this, but Farages impatient drumming of his fingers on the desk as he is torn to bits is a particular highlight.

...

08:00

Cabinet endure all-night sofa negotiations as DFS Christmas deadline looms "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theresa Mays cabinet have been embroiled in all-night negotiations this week to submit the final design for the new cabinet room sofa before the DFS Christmas deadline.

A Junior Minister for Soft Furnishings explained, Everyone wants something different. The PMs trying to push through an all-in-one sofa, in a chequer style, but some want a three-seater with a separate armchair in blue with gold stars and the fourth seat in two-tone green. Its a frigging nightmare.

The comfort of the sofa is driving a huge wedge in the cabinet: is it to be hard; like a brick wall, or soft; like the old one? In which case why are we ordering a new one?

And dont get me started on whether the fourth seat, detached or not, is going to have an adjustable reclining frictionless backstop. Im sick of hearing about it.

Theyve got hours left to avoid missing the DFS deadline or they wont get it before Christmas, and they really want it before so they can kickback and enjoy the Christmas party. Sir Eltons given them tickets to a show on his Farewell To Farewells farewell tour, and theyre all bedside themselves with giddiness at the prospect.

One thing they do unanimously agree on though, is that it should be covered in spikes to stop Boris shagging it.

07:37

Wicked Camper Vans Admit They Mightve Gone Too Far With Creepy Tony Abbott Quote "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian backpacker transport rental company Wicked Camper Vans have today apologised for what has been described as a lapse in judgement, after one of their vehicles was seen brandished with one of the creepiest quotes in Australian political history. The quote: Virginity is the greatest gift that you can give someone is attributed to []

The post Wicked Camper Vans Admit They Mightve Gone Too Far With Creepy Tony Abbott Quote appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:33

Bloke Who Still Doesnt Know How To Open A Beer With A Lighter Lets Mate Do The Honours "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a lifetime as a non-smoker who usually carries a dorky bottle opener on his keyring, local man Ed Crewy (23) has today had to admit defeat when faced with the challenge of opening a pop top with a Bic lighter. The lighter, which was left sitting on the table by a degenerate []

The post Bloke Who Still Doesnt Know How To Open A Beer With A Lighter Lets Mate Do The Honours appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:29

Agent Punished For Giving Bond Back To Tenant Despite Evidence Living Room Had Been Lived In "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter leasing agent told The Advocate this afternoon that hes being reprimanded for releasing a bond in full back to a tenant this week despite their being evidence to suggest the propertys living room had been lived in at some point during the lease. Oscar Lipseen, []

The post Agent Punished For Giving Bond Back To Tenant Despite Evidence Living Room Had Been Lived In appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:16

Wedding Photographer Not Prepared For Nathans Fashionable Pin Stripes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A run-of-the-mill kind of bloke named Nathan has made life very hard for a poorly prepared wedding photographer over the weekend. Nathan, a 30-year-old high school mate of the groom who works in an building strata administration, whipped out his best smart casual attire for the holy matrimony. However, his thin navy and []

The post Wedding Photographer Not Prepared For Nathans Fashionable Pin Stripes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:59

Fiji Being All Smug About Their Decade Of Stable Government "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Fijian citizens are on their high-horse today as polls open for the nations first second democratic election since a military coup ousted the Government 12 years ago. Once the laughing stock of the pacific, Fiji has managed to maintain two stable governments since 2006 while Australia has rotated between seven different Prime []

The post Fiji Being All Smug About Their Decade Of Stable Government appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:34

Brexit Agreement Reached! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a stunning turnaround, and against all the odds, the EU and the UK government put aside their previous differences on the Brexit deal, and finally reached an agreement to suit both sides: they agreed to disagree. The two factions, who had previ...

Brexit Agreement Reached! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a stunning turnaround, and against all the odds, the EU and the UK government put aside their previous differences on the Brexit deal, and finally reached an agreement to suit both sides: they agreed to disagree. The two factions, who had previ...

02:43

Bolton to be shot out of a cannon over the Middle East "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

According to inside analysts, Mr. John Bolton, National Security Advisor, is steadily advancing toward November, 2024. If theres one thing we do like its a good war, is commonly expressed by Mr. Bolton and his group at barbecues and gab sessio...

02:03

Friend Barely Capable Of Keeping Phone Connected Somehow Overseas Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Does God have a plan for me? she asked. Why does he let me suffer? Why is Janine fucking Willmott overseas again? Like half of her Facebook statuses are about her running, street-to-street battles with VodaCuck. I dont get it. Speaking candidly to The Advocate this morning on the []

The post Friend Barely Capable Of Keeping Phone Connected Somehow Overseas Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:55

PM Says Muslims Should Report Criminal Activity Like His Church Did After A 5-Year Royal Commission "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT THORNLEIGH MACDONALDS: Prime Minister Scott Morrison has continued his criticism of the Islamic community in the wake of the most recent Bourke Street terror attack. Morrison reiterated his call for imams and other members of the community to be better at identifying radicalised people in their congregations and alerting the authorities. I wont []

The post PM Says Muslims Should Report Criminal Activity Like His Church Did After A 5-Year Royal Commission appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:04

Saudi X-rays Show Khashoggi Body Parts Smuggled Out In Hit Teams Tummies "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: In a previously copyrighted story that appeared on these pages, Saudi officials had dismissed the allegation that the team that assassinated Mr. Khashoggi in their Consulate In Turkey disposed of him by dismembering him and then s...

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Tuesday, 13 November

23:24

Man Receives Death Threat Over Narcissistic Material "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who was accused of being overly-narcissistic on a satirical news website, has received death threats threatening him with death, I can reveal. Myke Woodson, 55, said he had also been accused not only of being overly-narcissistic, but overtly...

22:08

Barnaby Joyce Offers To Mentor Greens MP Jeremy Buckingham "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Barnaby-420x0

Special envoy for the drought Barnaby Joyce has reached out to beleaguered NSW Greens MP Jeremy Buckingham offering to take him under his wing in a kind of mentor type role.

Too often in parliament we are not there for each other, said Special envoy Joyce. I realise that Jeremy is in a different parliament and party to me but I feel I need to reach out and try to help the lad.

I did try to help Luke Foley I mean I gave him the number of my mate whos a defamation lawyer but alas it was too late.

Greens Leader Richard Di Natale rebuked Mr Joyces offer when it was put to him, saying: We do not need help from Barnaby Joyce on this matter. We will continue to do what we do when dealing with conflict.

We will meditate, reflect and see if we can align our shakras to turn a blind third eye on the matter.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

In Sydney Dec 7th then come along and see our live show. To buy tickets go to: https://bit.ly/2AUaE5f

19:27

On News Of Stan Lees Death Adamantium Stock Plummets "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

X-MansionThe stock market was a real roller coaster this week, but the latest drop in the DOW came at the clawed hands of Marvel great, Stan Lee. Lee created such comic book legends as Spiderman and X-Men and news of the 95-year-olds death sent the price of adamantium, the indestructible metal alloy that fortifies the X-Men, dropping like a mutant at

16:08

PETA Activist Dies After Refusing Phoenix Down "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

EL PASO, Texas Local PETA activist Trygil Hellfist passed away today after forbidding his party members from using a Phoenix Down to revive him. The party was attempting to take down a Cactuar when Hellfist suffered fatal wounds.

He used his last breaths to say that a potion made from an animal would be against his beliefs, explained Arnid Valor, the partys healer. I tried to tell him its made from just a feather, not Phoenix blood or anything like that, but he wouldnt budge.

Phoenix Down, a concoction commonly used to revive the fallen, are in fact made using a down feather of a phoenix. These are extracted painlessly from a phoenix, and the use of the potion to some is honoring the powerful bird.

Rumor has it, the feather works because its an offering to the great Mystical Phoenix in the Sky. Wanna browse my wares? explained shopkeep NPC Baldar. When asked for further comment, he said Back again? Rumor has it, the feather works because its an offering to the great Mystical Phoenix in the Sky. Wanna browse my wares?

Hellfists death will be felt by many. According to an ancient prophecy, Hellfist was the chosen one, the only hero capable of saving the world from some yet unknown doom. By staying alive, he could have fulfilled his destiny and saved thousands of souls, Valor shrugged and added, but he said if the cost is continued animal cruelty, that is not a world worth saving.

When asked why the party was engaging a Cactuar, a seemingly peaceful creature until provoked an act that would seem to directly go against PETAs message Valor quoted Hellfire directly: Its a plant, not an animal. Fuck plants.

According to friends, Hellfist was a passionate defender of animal rights, refusing to eat any meat even on long quests. He shunned leather armor, instead opting for a hemp doublet a choice that may have played a role in his untimely demise due to its meager +3 DEF. Hellfist was most famous for heading up PETAs campaign against riding chocobos, called Dont Ride A Chocobo, Ride A Pretty Dragoon Instead, which many have critiqued as sexist and offensive.

With Valor too low a level to cast Raise, Hellfist is left waiting for a passing mage kind enough to revive him. At the time of publication, his body is still in the desert, occasionally getting run over by travelers on Chocobos.

The post PETA Activist Dies...

16:00

Stan Lee to be brought back for Stan Lee II "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Regardless of dying, at the ripe old age of 95, movie executives already have plans afoot to resurrect Stan Lee, for as many times as is profitable. Grieving relatives have committed the decaying remains of Mr. Lee to a six-figure movie deal where he will have the opportunity to fight The Hulk, mortification and the smell of mothballs.

Explained one director: Stan is one of our most successful franchises. And as such, we plan to dig up his festering corpse, put him spandex and thwack the hell out of him. Research suggests that the 18-25 male demographic want to see an atrophying corpse, provided we can put some breasts on him.

His superhero name will reflect his nearly departed state; either The Caped Decomposer, The Masked Putrefaction or John Humphrys. Plans to have the President of Marvel Comics played by Ben Affleck have been shelved, as Mr. Lee did not want to swap actual death for career suicide.

Some may be appalled at the sight of rigor mortis on screen, but Johnny Depp manages to get away with it all the time. Likewise, those who fear the true horror of a re-animated Stan Lee, should not forget how they felt the first time they watched Batman vs Superman.

15:49

People are trolling Gwyneth Paltrow for her unfortunate Stan Lee tribute "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Amid all the tributes to Stan Lee, the comicbook genius who has died aged 95, perhaps the most surprising was this effort from Gwyneth Paltrow.

Not that the actress paid tribute, of course, just the way she chose to do it.


Thats right, tagged on to the end of a puff picture on Instagram selling a cut-price outfit from her shop.

She later did this.

...

15:45

Remorseful Jock Jams Apologizes for Beating Up Punk-O-Rama in High School "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOS ANGELES Sports-themed dance music mix Jock Jams apologized to the seminal punk rock series Punk-O-Rama yesterday for relentless bullying throughout the mid-90s while both attended high school, sources close to the compilations confirmed.

Looking back, I feel sick about how I treated Punk-O-Rama, said a contrite Jock Jams. I used to shove it in lockers, peel off its The Wall Lifetime Guarantee sticker, upload it to Limewire with incorrect song titles really mean stuff. I had to reach out and make amends.

Taking full responsibility for its actions, Jock Jams went on to explain what motivated its behavior more than 20 years ago.

Honestly, it was jealousy sure, I was the coolest mix in school, but deep down I knew my music was shallow. And Punk-O-Rama was so different, said Jock Jams. It was this weird compilation of bands Id never heard of, like Rancid, and Bad Religion. And me? I had C&C Music Factory every year. If thats not an obvious cry for help, I dont know what is.

Fellow classmate The Source Presents: Hip Hop Hits agreed that although Jock Jams was once considered the epitome of cool, it has not aged well.

Its kind of a typical story: the jock music compilation peaks in high school, while weirdos like Punk-O-Rama move on and become classics, said The Source Presents. You look at JJs songs now, and its like, Tag Team? EMF? And the less said about that Gary Glitter track on Jock Jams Vol. 1, the better.

Although Punk-O-Rama was initially surprised by Jock Jams request, the two agreed to meet for coffee.

Out of the blue, Jock Jams DMed me and asked to get a drink, said Punk-O-Rama. Back in the day, JJ was so popular. All the girls loved JJ it was played at every football game, it sold 4 million albums But in 2018, Im finally seeing it for who it is a bloated, overproduced collection of shitty dance songs. Now I just feel bad for it.

While Punk-O-Rama graciously accepted Jock Jams apology, it did turn down an offer to join it and other former classmates at a local pub for Quizzo.

Coffee is one thing, but I dont want to hang out with people I never liked in high school. Especially that dork Now, Thats What I Call Music, Punk-O-Rama said. What a tool.

The post Remorseful Jock Jams Apologizes for Beating Up Punk-O-Rama in High School appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:38

A 12 y/o boy sent Stan Lee a letter and his reply has got people filling up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Everyones been paying tribute to Stan Lee, the comicbook writer and co-creator of superheroes including Iron Man, the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, Daredevil and the X-Men, who has died aged 95.

Like Hugh Jackman

and Robert Downey Jr.



...

13:44

Characters first, superheroes next sub-editors last "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

See if you can spot this newspapers superheroic mistake.

That really is unfortunate.

Source

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The post Characters first, superheroes next sub-editors last appeared first on The Poke.

13:19

An old classmate sent this woman an unsolicited dick pic and her revenge was just perfect "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone called Tamira has shared a long exchange with an old classmate than ended with him sending her an unsolicited dick pic.

Well, actually, it didnt end there, and thats the joy of it. Her revenge was just perfect it went viral because, well, have a read for yourself.

It goes on a bit, but its worth it.

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13:12

This overdubbed Little Mix video will plunge you into the hilarious world of shreds "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just when you think the internet holds no more surprises, something astonishing comes along and today, its this clip, shared by composer Nick Harvey.

Sadly, we still cant tell you who did it though wed love to be able to update that information if you can help but, like all the UK political leaders in 2010, we agree with Nick. Even better, his tweet garnered a host of replies containing links to similar recordings, known as shreds, with awful overdubs taking the piss out of your favourite acts and making us all laugh.

Here are a few that really stood out.

One Direction Story of My Life

Jessie J Bang Bang

Kings of Leon Sex on Fire

We dont want to overload your senses so well stop there, but take our advice and go through Nicks replies you can thank us later.

H/T Nick Harvey

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The post This overdubbed Little Mix video will plunge you into the hilarious world of shreds appeared first on The Poke.

13:06

Death Threat Would Never Have Been Carried Out, Says Man Who Sent Himself A Death Threat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who sent himself a death threat has told police he never meant to carry it out. The man, Myke Himself, 55, said that the threat was just a prank. Himself said he sent the death threat to himself "as a laugh", and that it was not meant to...

13:00

The Third Foot and Mouth regiment to patrol Irish border "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theresa May has enlisted the Third Foot and Mouth, the Devils in Skirts, to take up position on the Irish Border after Brexit.

After an emergency meeting of Cobra this morning, the government announced that the extra troops will be brought in from India to stiffen up security at the border.

It is thought that, on the 30th March warlords from the Irish tribes will invade the North, take over the Province, and even try kidnap the daughter of the Khasi of Coleraine.

The Province will be overseen by Sir Jacob Rees-Diamond and his good lady wife, Joan Sims. When asked about what he would do about the impending invasion by the Irish hordes, Sir Jacob replied, Were British. We wont do anythinguntil its too late. Thats what Brexit has been all about from the start.

When asked if he feared the threat hed die the death of a thousand cuts, Private Charles Hawtrey replied, Oh, I dont know. Thats not as many as cuts as weve had from the Tories under Theresa May.

12:49

23 stupid things people said to celebrities that they wish they hadnt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A call went out on Twitter for people to share the things they said to celebrities that they wish they hadnt.

And did the replies disappoint? No they didnt. Here are 23 of the best, beginning with our favourite

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12:10

This has to be the best shutdown of a racist youll see this year "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres something about racist groups like the EDL that attracts the worlds stupidest people perhaps its because racism has to be the most fuckwitted idea since a caveman first decided to poke a mammoth with a spear without formulating an escape plan. Anti-racist Niko Omilana, founder of the Niko Defence League, usually trolls racists online, but he decided to go out and prank some in real life by going undercover as one of their kind.

It led to this savage burn.

The resulting footage is available in full here, but we particularly liked this comment for the sheer audacity of the shutdown. It was almost too easy, but people appreciated the sheer effort that must have gone into the infiltration, as well as the severity of the takedown.

If youre interested and why wouldnt you be heres how racists reacted to the EDL video.

...

11:33

Why Nish Kumar hates the Spice Girls is heartfelt and hilarious "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Spice Girls are getting back together well, most of them are and not everyones happy about it. Nish Kumar definitely isnt happy about it. And this is why.

And just to make clear

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The post Why Nish Kumar hates the Spice Girls is heartfelt and hilarious appeared first on The Poke.

11:30

Renters Unveil Worlds Tiniest Violin For Home Owners Whose Properties Have Fallen In Value "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Renters across the nation unveiled the worlds tiniest violin today in a touching tribute to home owners suffering from dropping property values.

The ceremony kicked off with a heartfelt speech from the events MC, Ben Dover, a long-term Sydney renter.

I really feel for the struggling landlords out there. I mean, its ok for me Im used to paying off their mortgages. But they have no idea what its like to have to earn the capital before it goes into an asset like that, Mr Dover said.

During the ceremony, a symphony of tenants performed tributes to those hit hardest by the credit crunch: Owners of negatively geared investment properties.

Their moving renditions of popular songs included:

  • Money for nothing and my tax for free
  • Some property I used to own
  • Truly madly deeply in debt
  • One crowded property market
  • How deep is your lenders mortgage insurance
  • Better be home owners soon

Later in the evening, renters took to the stage to offer helpful tips to stressed home owners who must now figure out a way to repay $4000 a month for the next 30 years:

If you cant afford to pay back your loan, maybe save money by moving back in with your parents, sharing your bedroom with three other people, or selling your kidney, one renter suggested.

Realistically, you should probably cut back on the smashed avo and $5 lattes if you ever want to get ahead, another said.

Or, have you ever tried just making more money? she added.

___________________

By Vivienne Mitchell 

11:19

Dan Walker just owned his breakfast TV rival Piers Morgan. Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Piers Morgan has a habit of being owned by his breakfast TV rival Dan Walker on Twitter. So much so that we wrote about our favourite 12 times it had happened earlier this year.

Now we can make it 13 after this happened today.

Toast.

READ MORE

Our favourite 12 times Piers Morgan was brutally owned by Dan Walker on Twitter

...

11:11

Is there anything more joyous than a dog catching a treat? 15 pics to show there isnt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Dogs are simple beings which take pleasure in the small things a tickle behind the ear, a thrown stick, and best of all the odd treat. German photographer Christian Vieler has been capturing the moment a dog aims for a tossed treat since 2013 and his collection is absolutely glorious.

These are just a few of his lucky subjects.

1. Lotte

2. Bailey

3. Debbie and Quincy

4. Luna

5. Stevie

6. Moos
...

11:02

The John Lewis Christmas ad is here and its dark, so dark "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The John Lewis Christmas ad is here and it certainly makes a change from the last few years, thats for sure.

Its the music that really gets us.

The spoof was created by comedian/actor/filmmaker Stoph Demetriou and the real thing can only be an anti-climax after this.

You can follow Stoph on Twitter @StophD here, and on YouTube here.

Here are our favourite comments it prompted on YouTube.

Ok, My mum asked me if the new John Lewis advert was out so I searched for John Lewis Advert 2018, this was what came up and it seemed legit at the start. My family watched in horrror and My mum questioned the legitimacy of this. I have now seen that this is fake, Im not hating, I love this :) (WhattheTrend)

If JL have half a brain they should buy and use this advert.Its gold.its controversialand its dark..I want to know what happens next..Maybe the gingerbread man ends up on the street and gets stabbed or acid thrown over him..lets really understand christmas and wake up all the wankers in this country (MeInnit)

Okay 1 hell is that dark 2 why am I laughing histericly rn xd (JJ Paw)

And just in case you cant remember, this is what John Lewis did last year.

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The post The John Lewis Christmas ad is here and its dark, so dark appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

God to appear in a vision and warn cinemagoers to turn off their mobile phones "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After the failure of the Christianity campaign to advertise in cinemas, the Lord thy God will appear in a vision in selected cinemas to promote blessed popcorn, 2 for 1 baptisms and holy Fanta.

At a Wardour Street the Almighty told media journalists When the agency approached me I told them I was perfectly capable of appearing in Person in cinemas; without the aid of the projectionist or teams of expensive creatives in frankly ridiculous jackets. I could just show up at a movie in 3D, say nice stuff about heaven and how its better to be good to each other, then just say enjoy the movie! and disappear.

He continued: But the Ad-men realised that without their input they wouldnt get paid, and of course then they were all brimming with ideas for commercials about me. Or Me, I should say. So I humoured them. It was a free will thing. (I was going to do a gag about Free Willy there. Did you see that movie? Dreadful)

The Lord speaketh unto the conference a little bit more: I have no argument with those who make rules saying no religious advertising in the cinema. I started the whole rule thing off. You want rulemaking try Leviticus. Ye shall not round the corners of your heads. Me neither.

But boy, it meant meeting after meeting, lunch after lunch, presentation after presentation. I never want to see another flip chart as long as I live. Which is going some, as you know. And I cant tell you the number of times advertising types took me to one side over the coffee to say Im really more suited to movies than commercials and I have a great script Id like you to read and grant an Oscar to. A lot of them have beards now. As if a beard would impress me! All the main guys I dealt with had beards! Abraham, Moses, Lord Sugar

So, basically in randomly selected theaters I will appear instead of the VW ad that points out truth is better than fiction so buy the car that saves you in car chases. I cant believe its still going after those VW guys were caught, but hey thats just Free Willy kicking in.

I mean, did anyone buy the idea that an Orca Whaleoh never mind. Where was I? Oh yes.

And in participating cinemas I will do some turn off your mobile phone and do unto your neighour type stuff, then Im out of there and everyone can see the new Star Wars. Ive seen it by the way. It stinks.

10:41

Newcastle Hipster Has Been Apparently Moving To Sydney For About Three Years Now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Alicia Hartcher has assured The Betoota Advocate today that she is definitely still moving to Sydney. The 21-year-old from the well-to-do suburb of Bar Beach explained to us today that although she hasnt actually got an official date or anything just yet, she is 100% moving down south to Sydney. The University of Newcastle film []

The post Newcastle Hipster Has Been Apparently Moving To Sydney For About Three Years Now appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:38

Office Intellect Leaves Book On Desk In Hopes Of You Noticing It "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Ned Oakburn has today picked up his copy of George Orwells 1984 and sat it strategically atop his desk for everyone in the office to see. This comes despite his empty backpack sitting right beside him. Its believed that Ned has done this in hopes of garnering some extra attention from colleagues passing by his []

The post Office Intellect Leaves Book On Desk In Hopes Of You Noticing It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:31

This news footage of the California wildfires is just insane "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The unprecedented wildfires rampaging through California have so far claimed the lives of 42 people.

And if any 4 seconds of news footage can show just how extraordinary the situation is, this is it.

Almost impossible to comprehend the state of that.

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10:16

Theres a Donald Trump teddy bear for sale 26 hilarious takedowns of Trumpy Bear "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Although its been on the market for some time, an extraordinary product has just exploded into the internets consciousness because of an advert.

Yes, thats right somebodys selling a teddy bear, fashioned to look like Donald Trump, named the Trumpy Bear and featuring a US flag shoved up its hole. Why wouldnt people want such a thing? Here are 26 savage reactions.

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08:54

People are sharing their favourite stupid jokes and these 41 are so stupid theyre brilliant "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The internet can be a bit of a depressing place at times, with its fake news, its real news and its pictures of cats in tights no, wait not that last one. One person, however, decided to tease a little joy out of it by encouraging others to share stupid jokes.

Twitter did not disappoint theres no doubt whatsoever that these jokes are stupid, but theyre somehow also completely brilliant.

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08:02

This doctor had the perfect response to the conservative who trolled them over gun control "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres someone called Ann Coulter, an American conservative social and political commentator.

Or, if you prefer, someone who writes unpleasant tweets for the amusement of mean people not smart enough to think of clever insults on their own.

Anyway, it started when the NRA said this after the latest mass shooting in the US.

To which a doctor replied

and it was at this point that Ann Coulter got involved.

Which she presumably thought was was very clever and hilarious. Except this doctor had the perfect response.

Boom!

08:00

Planet Earth expresses relief at falling fertility rates "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Responding to reports of falling fertility rates across the human population, Planet Earth said it was overjoyed and relieved at the news, adding that it was long overdue.
Out of all of my tenants, humans are easily the worst, lamented the planet. I mean, theyre everywhere!! There used to only be a few of them not so long ago but then they bred like rabbits, except instead of leaving a few droppings around they throw plastic shit into the oceans, cut down the forests and basically take whatever they can get their hands on.
Planet Earth pointed to complaints from other tenants as reason for his pleasure at the problem facing Homo sapiens. Snow leopards, elephants, whales, theyve all given me grief about their loss of habitat and choking on the crap the humans leave behind. All I ask as Landlord is that the tenants are respectful to their neighbours and leave the place in a good state, but they couldnt help themselves. So all in all Im pretty pleased theyre on the way out, and what makes it even better, it sounds like theyre fed up with each other if they cant be bothered to reproduce anymore!!
Planet Earth informed reporters that other measures are being considered to help them exit the planet. Weve got some plans up our sleeve. Earthquakes, floods, that kind of thing. They pretty useless at dealing with those. Or I could just leave it up to them to kill themselves off in something they call war. Theyre certainly stupid enough. You wont catch me shedding a tear.

07:36

A column written by Stan Lee in 1968 will make you miss him even more "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Even though he was 95, the death of Marvel supremo Stan Lee has dealt a shocking blow to comic fans across the world. As well as creating Spider-Man, Captain Marvel, Iron Man and a host of other iconic characters, Stan Lee was known for making cameo appearances in film adaptations of Marvel stories and, at one time, for writing a column called Stans Soapbox, which he would often sign off with the word Excelsior!.

In 1968, at the height of the Civil Rights movement in the U.S., he wrote an essay decrying the evils of racism and bigotry, which is as relevant now as it was the day he wrote it.

Lets lay it right on the line. Bigotry and racism are among the deadliest social ills plaguing the world today. But, unlike a team of costumed super-villains, they cant be halted with a punch in the snoot, or a zap from a ray gun. The only way to destroy them is to expose themto reveal them for the insidious evils they really are.

The bigot is an unreasoning haterone who hates blindly, fanatically, indiscriminately. If his hang-up is black men, he hates ALL black men. If a redhead once offended him, he hates ALL redheads. If some foreigner beat him to a job, hes down on ALL foreigners. He hates people hes never seenpeople hes never knownwith equal intensitywith equal venom.

Now, were not trying to say its unreasonable for one human being to bug another. But, although anyone has the right to dislike another individual, its totally irrational, patently insane to condemn an entire raceto despise an entire nationto vilify an entire religion.

Sooner or later, we must learn to judge each other on our own merits. Sooner or later, if man is ever to be worthy of his destiny, we must fill out hearts with tolerance. For then, and only then, will we be truly worthy of the concept that man was created in the image of Goda God who calls us ALLHis children. Pax et Justitia!

Not everybody believes in a higher power, but we can all appreciate this clear vision of racism as an irrational and extremely unnecessary force in the world. Stan Lee wasnt just a creative genius, he was a wonderful human being.

LA Times writer, Jen Yamato, shared a picture of the column.

07:35

Regional Man Particularly Concerned About Things That Dont Seem To Really Affect Him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT It can be confirmed today that Aayden Taylors blood is running hot. The 22-year-old from Betoota Heights has always been a passionate young man, and with footy season a long way off has been consumed by some topical social issues. The bridge crew employee with Betoota Shire Council confirmed to The Advocate that he has been getting []

The post Regional Man Particularly Concerned About Things That Dont Seem To Really Affect Him appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:20

Whoever did this wins Twitter "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After Donald Trump failed to attend a first world war service at a US cemetery in France because it was raining, someone did this.

And they just won Twitter.

Beautifully done.

Clearly didnt hear the guy saying it was going to rain.

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07:15

7 reasons why these people think John Barrowman will win Im A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The new series of ITVs Im A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! begins on Sunday night and heres whos on it.

While you count the number of people you recognise on one hand Harry Redknapp, Nick Knowles, Anne Hegerty (maybe) theres only one person people think is going to win and thats actor and presenter John Barrowman.

And this is why.

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06:00

Opinion: Streetlight Manifesto Isnt Ska Theyre Good "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres a lot of debate in music circles about whether or not Streetlight Manifesto is, in fact, a ska band. Ive followed the band since their inception in 2002 and this debate has raged on with equal force on both sides for over a decade. Countless pieces of evidence have been brought up on both sides but to no avail. However, I have found the definitive argument to support the one true answer to the question, is Streetlight Manifesto a ska band? The answer is no. The reason is because they are good.

The most common non-ska classification for Streetlight Manifesto is that they are punk with horns. You can tell because the lyrical content and general energy and tone of the band rests firmly in the punk category. You could remove the horns from any Streetlight song and be left with something that more closely resembles punk. Ska, on the other hand, is objectively terrible and every single song in the genre sounds like my parents having sex.

Another common argument for why Streetlight Manifesto is not ska is that they merely sound like ska. Over the decades, its common for bands of all genres to take aspects of ska and mix them into their songs here and there. However, Streetlight Manifesto injects a bit of ska into every one of their songs, leading to their frequent misclassification as a ska band. You see, Streetlight may incorporate ska staples like upstrokes, walking bass lines, and reggae drumming, but you can clearly tell its not ska because you havent slammed your head repeatedly on every hard surface in your vicinity until the demon noises stop.

Streetlight may incorporate aspects of ska into their music but, as weve established, theyre a good band so they throw things from all sorts of genres in the mix! If you listen to any of their songs you will clearly see how Streetlight Manifesto utilizes complex music theory along with perfect musical precision and unique song structures, whereas ska gives you ear cancer.

Its really obvious when you think about it. Why is this even a debate?

The post Opinion: Streetlight Manifesto Isnt Ska Theyre Good appeared first on The Hard Times.

03:44

Local Woman Immediately Regrets Saying Hello To Chirpy Senior Citizen While On Public Transport "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Claire Harris has found herself wishing she kept her mouth shut this morning after a conversation with an old codger on the bus has just entered its third round of questioning. Its understood Claire made her first mistake when she politely greeted the old man as she sat down next to him, it []

The post Local Woman Immediately Regrets Saying Hello To Chirpy Senior Citizen While On Public Transport appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:40

Gen-X Australian Hip Hop Fan Feeling Chuffed After Learning The Term Mumble Rap "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A self confessed lover of real hip hop says he cant believe hes gone six months without realising there was a word that could be used to validate his increasing detachment with modern rap music. After spending the best part of the last decade berating Triple J for losing touch with him, Kye Landreth []

The post Gen-X Australian Hip Hop Fan Feeling Chuffed After Learning The Term Mumble Rap appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:57

Belfast Marathon Sprint Finish Ruined As Runner Slips On Dog Shit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was real drama in the finishing stretch in the Belfast Marathon today, when, coming into the final 100 yards of the race, three men still in contention entered into a neck-and-neck sprint finish, only for one of them to bow out 10 yards from th...

02:52

Chinese Gyprocker Getting Stuck Into One Of Those Other Types Of Fanta "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local gyprock and indoor tiling specialist has today confirmed that there is still a few places selling non-orange flavoured Fanta. Mike (77) fits just about every other stereotype befitted upon Australian tilers, in that he is never not squatting, even during smoko, as well as his generous offerings of cigarettes with no []

The post Chinese Gyprocker Getting Stuck Into One Of Those Other Types Of Fanta appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:41

Morrison Backflips On Initial Idea Of Letting People Starve To Death "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Coalition Governments Nightwatchman has reversed a funding cut to one of Australias largest hunger-relief organisations, after listening to the community. While making bizarre media appearance on the day time variety program Studio 10 on Monday morning, Mr Morrison said the government had maintained the level of funding for food support services, but that it []

The post Morrison Backflips On Initial Idea Of Letting People Starve To Death appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:36

Shorten Vows To Turn The ABC Off At The Wall Then Turn It Back On Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Leader of the Opposition told reporters this morning in Melbourne that he sat with his mouth agape as he watched Four Corners last night. From the comfort of his Matt Blatt sofa within the confines of his palatial Mooney Ponds compound, Bill Shorten looked on as two of []

The post Shorten Vows To Turn The ABC Off At The Wall Then Turn It Back On Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:47

Office Nerd Rocks Up At Work With Black Arm Band "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Nerds right around the world are grieving today, following the news that, 95-year-old comic book writer is no longer alive. Stan Lee, the writer behind Spider-Man, Iron Man, the Hulk, Black Panther, the Avengers, the X-Men and many many more iconic comic book superheroes, has died this morning, aged 95. Even though he []

The post Office Nerd Rocks Up At Work With Black Arm Band appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:44

Grown Man With New Laser Pointer Has Weekend Plans Sorted "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Grown man Curtis Dyson (33) officially has his weekend plans sorted after purchasing a new laser pointer. Stopping at his local two-dollar shop to inhale the smell of cheap plastic that makes all cheapy-shops smell the same, Dyson purchased a laser pointer that for only $3.95 opened up a world of opportunities for []

The post Grown Man With New Laser Pointer Has Weekend Plans Sorted appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Monday, 12 November

23:16

Peter Dutton Says Caravan Of Guatemalan Refugees Is Walking Towards Australian Border "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Reminding Australians to be alert and alarmed, Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has warned of a large caravan of Guatemalan refugees walking towards the Australian border, mirroring Donald Trumps warnings of a similar caravan heading towards the United States.

Mr Dutton said the group which also includes people from Honduras left Central America last week, crossing into Mexico before heading towards Australia on foot.

Asked how they would cross the Pacific Ocean, Mr Dutton said that the refugees werent taking that route and were instead taking a different route to avert authorities.

He has threatened to stop aid to Guatemala if the caravan isnt stopped.

____________

By Terry Beuler 

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Saturday, 20 October

11:41

The Camel Did It: Khashoggi Murder Solved "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: In the Middle East, where internecine intrigue is known to cloud even the most obvious solution, it is quite possible that both the Turkish government and the Saudi royalty have already made a deal that neatly absolves any connect...

10:14

Premarital Sex Likely To Continue On College Campus Throughout The 2018-2019 School Year "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

St. Matthew's Lutheran University, Wisconsin. On a college campus with a rigorous academic program dedicated to theology, an excellent football team, 'state-of-the-art' technology, updated computer labs, and a rather impressive library with the abso...

05:42

Demonically-Possessed Teddy Bear Stabs Ghost Hunter in the Penis "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Iowa. Michael Lancaster, a professional ghost hunter who has bravely chased evil spirits and other paranormal entities throughout the United States over the past 3 years, was stabbed in the penis last Wednesday by a demonically-possessed teddy bear.

04:26

President Trump To Go To Saudi Arabia To Sort Things Out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

US President Donald Trump, has told senior members of the Republican administration he is to go to Saudi Arabia to personally deal with the investigation into the disappearance of the Washington Post journalist, Jamal Khashoggi. Mr Trump, who doe...

Friday, 19 October

20:36

Washington Post Publishes Jamal Khashoggi Acronym Game "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Yesterday the Washington Post newspaper published what it believed was the last article to have been written by its Saudi Arabian contributor, Jamal Khashoggi, who hasn't been seen since 2 October. It also honored him with the introduction, on its Pu...

17:31

Saudi Crown Prince "Is A Naughty Boy" King Salman Announces "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A spokesman for King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud of Saudi Arabia revealed today that Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman is currently confined to his bedroom and has had his pocket money stopped while the disappearance of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashog...

17:02

Trump On Jamal Khashoggi: "No Body, No Murder" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

US President, Donald Trump, has spoken to reporters at the White House about the strange and mysterious disappearance of Jamal Khashoggi, who has not been seen since he entered the Saudi Arabian consulate in Istanbul on 2 October. Trump said: "I'm...

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