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Friday, 27 October

17:16

A neural network has designed some incredible Halloween costumes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If youre lacking inspiration for a new Halloween costume this year, worry no more this neural network has come up with some incredibly unique ideas.

Janelle Shane writes on aiweirdness:

It wasnt just Halloween it also helped out Marvel/DC.

Though the AI struggled with the now ubiquitous sexy part of Halloween.

This excellent work resulted in a number of illustrations:

16:35

Turnbull Arrives In Goondiwindi On First Day As Agricultural Minister In $8k Panama Hat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Recently self-appointed Minister for Agriculture, the Honourable Malcolm Turnbull MP, has this morning rocked up to his first day on the job wearing a panama hat thats costs more than most Australians would spend on their first car. Appointed on 27 October 2017, The Prime Minister now holds the badge of Minister for Agriculture and []

The post Turnbull Arrives In Goondiwindi On First Day As Agricultural Minister In $8k Panama Hat appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:33

Dare you take a trip into the mind of the edgiest person on Facebook? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We dont know who this is, but youve probably got someone like them on your Facebook feed. The greengrocers apostrophes are the least troubling thing

Maybe we dont understand him because our intelligence isnt on the same level.

The post Dare you take a trip into the mind of the edgiest person on Facebook? appeared first on The Poke.

16:17

Apparently there are 121 places in Finland named Shit Pond "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fun European geography fact of the day: Finland has a lot of places called Shit Pond (paskalampi).

But thats not true there are actually 490 Shit Ponds in Finland if you include the variations paskolampi and paskolammi, which apparently mean the same thing.

And western Finland also boasts a waterfall called Velhonvittu (Wizards C*nt).

Finland it truly is the Land of a Thousand lakes and quite a bit of profanity.

The post Apparently there are 121 places in Finland named Shit Pond appeared first on The Poke.

16:00

If only Id thought to use a wheelchair Weinstein tells George Bush Snr "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Having apologised for sexual assault, the former President has been applauded for the dignified and statesmen-like manner with which he goosed an actress. In this tawdry age of Harvey Weinstein, it is gratifying to know that George Bush Snr. still knows how to treat a young lady with respect and a dirty joke   yet not to sully an innocent buttock grab with a vulgar movie deal.

As experts will attest, there is a sweet spot for being a vilified sex offender. Early 20s is far too young. Eighty-plus is too implausible, but 40-70 is in the perfect pervert zone. Old enough to know better, but still mobile. At 93, the wheelchair-bound, ex-President could easily be fended off by a stern word or by the use of stairs.

No longer covered by Presidential immunity, George Bush Snr. has been forced to apply for dirty, old bastard amnesty. The elderly rogue reminded voters that there was a more reserved style of Presidency than Clinton or Trump, with many fans surprised he still had it in him. Said his spokesman: Please remember that President Bush suffers from a form of Parkinsons disease. Cecil Parkinson that is.

15:01

The previously classified JFK files contain some stunning revelations "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nearly 3,000 previously classified files relating to the assassination of John F Kennedy in 1963 have been published and they contain some incredible revelations.

And they dont stop there!

The post The previously classified JFK files contain some stunning revelations appeared first on The Poke.

13:59

A can of expanding foam went off on the shed and Im now 6/4 on winning this years Turner Prize "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Expanding foam creates an accidental abstract masterpiece.

Expanding foam is truly a wonderful medium. So expressive.

Troublesome spaghetti packets can also create abstract art.

The post A can of expanding foam went off on the shed and Im now 6/4 on winning this years Turner Prize appeared first on The Poke.

13:32

Playwright Harold Pinters response to a fundraising dinner invitation also works for all unwanted invitations "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nobel Prize-winning playwright, screenwriter, director and actor Harold Pinter certainly had a gift with words as shown in his response to this fundraising dinner invitation.

And while were on the subject of Pinter, time to remember that In Greggs is the finest bit of dialogue he never wrote.

The post Playwright Harold Pinters response to a fundraising dinner invitation also works for all unwanted invitations appeared first on The Poke.

13:08

Donald Trump is getting high praise for not being an alcoholic "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If you happen to be critical of Donald Trump, then these words from American Conservative Union Chair Matt Schlapp may cause you to think again.

Well done Donald!

J.K Rowling echoed the sentiment.

Other people were less kind.

13:00

NHS bed space outsourcing a bloody mess says B&B landlady "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An Essex landlady involved in the pilot scheme to relieve the demand for NHS beds has condemned the plan.

Knowing how scarce NHS bed space is, I thought it would be good, regular business, said Frieda Aldwyn who runs the Sunnyside Guest House in Frinton-on-Sea, but the mess left by the surgery took hours to clean up. The whole kitchen was awash with blood, the dog ran off with the diseased lung so it couldnt be tested for cancer, and trying to keep seagulls away from the dustbins is proving impossible.

Ms Aldwyn also described being rushed off her feet for several hours during the surgery, constantly making tea and sandwiches for the operating team, and pointed out that her new kettle was damaged beyond repair by nurses using it for sterilising instruments.

It was a bit overwhelming, Ms Aldwyn told our reporter. What makes it all so much worse is that Im being paid for only one room whereas a second room is completely unusable until the NHS finally turns up to collect the gas bottles, the monitors, the drips, the defibrillator, the oxygen tent and stuff.

Asked whether the patient was recovering well, Ms Aldwyn said: Im not sure. All I can say is that he hasnt drunk last nights Ovaltine and the 111 doctor hasnt called back yet. He looks a bit pale if you ask me.

Responding to a telephone request for information, the NHS issued a statement saying that our reporter was was number 46 in the queue.

NHS Survivor

12:24

Terrible shark pickup line on Tinder gets shut down by an excellent fact-heavy response "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Instead of replying with ewww, a terrible shark pickup line used to break the ice on Tinder is destroyed by a lengthy, fact-packed response.

While its a terrible pickup line, the amount of work and effort that went into her reply suggests it might not be a lost cause

The post Terrible shark pickup line on Tinder gets shut down by an excellent fact-heavy response appeared first on The Poke.

12:00

Ominous Bathroom Tag Signals Ex-Boyfriends Return to Town "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MINNEAPOLIS Laura Reynolds discovered her ex-boyfriends tag last night in the bathroom stall of local venue the 331 Club, effectively ruining her evening and setting off a flurry of preparations, the distraught woman confirmed.

Those close to Reynolds say the tag is a telltale marking of the grim return of known force of evil Jason Packer.

I thought I was safe now, said Reynolds, shivering under a blanket at the bar. Hes been gone for such a long time I thought the nightmare was over and I could move on with my life. But theres no mistaking that tag: he always said it was revealed to him by Satan himself. It sent chills up my spine. Hes back, and theres nothing I can do.

Reynolds previously battled with the Beast from 2011-13 through a reportedly horrific struggle of blood-curdling, bone-shattering serial philandering. After the seemingly endless 18-month conflict, the Beast was finally exorcised from the city, taking refuge within the dark caverns of his buddys place in Phoenix.

Experts in both Demonology and handwriting examined the tag in question.

Comparing the loop on the r of the graffiti to a love letter written by Packer, theres no doubt he wrote both, said graphologist Carrie Anthony. The cross section on this t is very interesting, however: its highly indicative of someone who will sleep with you, like all of your best friends photos on Instagram dating back two years, and take off on a motorcycle and ghost you.

Demonologist Spencer Stanley confirmed Anthonys assessment.

Related:

Some might say the insignia couldve been made by anyone in Reynolds ex-boyfriends crew, but whoever made this is no ordinary tagger. This inscription could only be made by a force of pure evil, said Stanley as she examined the scribbled tag, which translated to Squirter. Someone hell-bent on bringing absolute chaos to anyone who dare date him. I suggest you all leave this bar immediately. As for Laura God be with her.

When questioned, m...

12:00

I Bought Assassins Creed Ultimate Edition but Its Just a Handgun and Some Coordinates "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

 

Fans of the Assassins Creed series will be pleased to learn that the latest iteration of the time-traveling action adventure game introduces a new level of immersion.  

Ubisoft has clearly addressed fans criticisms of previous installments by making the ultimate edition of the newest title the most intense gaming experience yet, even going so far as shipping the game with nothing but a handgun and handwritten coordinates!

The game is immersive from the moment you buy online. Within minutes of placing my pre-order, I got a call from a robotic voice that said I could pick up my package right away behind the local shopping mall, where my GameStop is. From that moment, I knew that the game developers were really listening to the fans and trying to deliver a whole new adventure in gaming.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Once Id picked up the package from a cloaked GameStop employeewho put on a great Russian accent and insisted on meeting in the parking lotI quickly raced home to unbox the latest Assassins Creed adventure. To my surprise, Ubisoft has done away with all of the traditional branding. The only packaging was a nondescript cardboard box with some Cyrillic lettering. Incredible!

What makes this game truly incredible is that its cross-platform; there isnt even a disc to go in an Xbox or a Playstation. You dont need a system to play it on. Its just an incredibly realistic looking prop gun, a train ticket, and a small scrap of paper with the coordinates  385323.9N 770003.6W on it a parking garage near the Capitol Building in Washington DC.

So, Im off to Washington for my next clue...

11:00

Queen to be replaced by Charles and William coalition "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

a third of minor Royals' jobs may have to goIn the biggest royal shake-up since the abdication of Edward VIII, the Prince of Wales has agreed to share power with his son Prince William when he finally takes the throne.

With the once mildly popular monarch deemed by critics to have overstayed her welcome the leadership duo will usher in a new royal era commentators are already calling The Big Monarchy. It is hoped that by pairing the mature, more conservative heir apparent with a younger, more liberal figure, the Charles/William coalition hopes to win back public support for the royal family.

The BBCs royal correspondent, Nicholas Witchell, believes there is precedent for such a move. Buckingham Palace insiders have cited the Glorious Revolution of 1685 when William and Mary of Orange ruled jointly. It was an ideal combination as Mary provided the stability required of the monarchy whilst the more reckless William went out drinking with the Irish until everything got horribly out of hand.

At a press photo opportunity yesterday, the influence and experience of Prince Charles was evident when the Prince of Wales nodded towards an attractive blonde reporter and appeared to mutter to his son that one looks fitter than your Kate.

By dispensing with the traditional birth-right route to the throne the Charles/William coalition already faces its first challenge from competing Windsor brothers Andrew and Edward. The more experienced Andrew, Duke of York was early favourite to lead this opposition. But in a surprise last-minute move, younger brother Ed received the backing of Equity members, and will now take the helm. Any challenge from Prince Williams younger brother, Harry, looks certain to fail as red heads have been banned from ascending the throne since the Queen panicked after Andrews marriage to Sarah Ferguson in 1986.

Sources close to the new royal coalition have suggested that they may be taking up the reigns of power sooner than was originally envisaged. An announcement is expected just as soon as Charles gets back from a trip to a nice health farm in Switzerland that he has arranged for his mother.

dicky37 & Stan Laurel

10:25

This one tweet is the perfect simile for Brexit and we cant stop thinking about it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well done to comedian Matt Green for finding the perfect simile for Brexit.

Amazing isnt it it? So perfect.

And this reply is also good:

Source: Twitter/@mattgreencomedy

The post This one tweet is the perfect simile for Brexit and we cant stop thinking about it appeared first on The Poke.

09:49

Angry journalist hides obscene message to the BBC in Doctor Who magazine "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An article in the latest Doctor Who Magazine written by The Watcher spells out a fascinating message if you read the beginning letters of each sentence:

What does it say.

Well, its a bit rude.

It says PANINI AND BBC WORLDWIDE ARE CUNTS.

We particularly like the ending, if you look hard enough theres always something hiding in plain sight

Reminds us of the time Top Gears James May snuck a rude message into Autocar Magazine:

Source: Twitter/@The_Iceman2288

The post Angry journalist hides obscene message to the BBC in Doctor Who magazine appeared first on The Poke.

09:06

For some reason the Guardian have made an entirely Duran Duran themed crossword puzzle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Looks like theres a sneaky Duran Duran fan lurking within the Guardian.

Lets take a look shall we:

Blimey. Its about as easy as a nuclear war.

Source: theguardian

The post For some reason the Guardian have made an entirely Duran Duran themed crossword puzzle appeared first on The Poke.

08:16

Never let it be said that Fats Dominos record labels didnt know how to make the most out of a picture "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fats Dominos record label took one photo and reused it again and again and again.

I have laughed at Cookin With Fats a considerable amount says @Ricardoautobahn.

Did they erase his mustache on the red one? Nice Photographic Shop! writes @Molloman.

Best $2 they ever spent! says @Thenolachick.

Two things whilst youre still here:

1. Did you know that Chubby Checker is a play on Fats Domino? Mind blown etc. And now think up your own similar names: Obese Chess, Tubby Tiddlywinks

Anyway. RIP Fats. You were loved.

Source: Twitter/@sterlewine

The post Never let it be said that Fats Dominos record labels didnt know how to make the most out of a picture appeared first on The Poke.

07:58

High Court Discovers Empirical Evidence That Suggests Malcolm Roberts Is Ineligible To Sit In Federal Parliament "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The High Court of Australia has found empirical evidence that disqualifies One Nation senator Malcolm Roberts from sitting in parliament. Roberts joins a list of five federal politicans that have been ousted from parliament today, which include the likes of the DPM Barnaby Joyce, The Greens Scott Ludlum and Larissa []

The post High Court Discovers Empirical Evidence That Suggests Malcolm Roberts Is Ineligible To Sit In Federal Parliament appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:43

Steven Bradbury Identified As Last Non-Dual Citizen Eligible For Parliament "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In the recent wake of yet more Australian politicians being outed as dual-citizens, top economists and political commentators are speculating the most qualified non-dual citizen eligible for parliament could be former Winter Olympic gold medalist, Steve Bradbury. Bradbury (43), shot to fame in 2002 after winning gold in the mens 1000m short track speed skating []

The post Steven Bradbury Identified As Last Non-Dual Citizen Eligible For Parliament appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:41

Defiant Joyce Says He Will Continue To Be A Voice For Farmers, Right Across The North Island "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Barnaby Joyce citizenship

Following the High Courts decision declaring him ineligible to be a member of parliament, Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce says he will continue to fight for those doing it tough, from Wellington to Whangarei.

Were an island nation, were an agricultural nation at heart, and so Ill always speak up for people on the land, whether they be in New Plymouth or Te Awamatu, he said.

Mr Joyce said he was not going to let this set back distract him from the job at hand. Theres a lot going on in the capital right now. But Im determined not to let whats happening in Wellington effect us out here in the districts

04:14

Man Who Sent 2.5 Million People To War Praised For His Subtle Criticism Of Trump "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A man who is responsible for sending 2,500,000 of his own men and women to fight in two seperate wars is being praised as a champion of human rights by those who used to hate him, after indirectly criticising someone that they seem to hate even more. Former President George W. Bush criticized the []

The post Man Who Sent 2.5 Million People To War Praised For His Subtle Criticism Of Trump appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:07

Two-Faced Putrid Dog Knows Who She Is, According To Aggressive Facebook Status "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local two-faced shit talker knows who she is, after being outed as a putrid dog on social media today. Hayleigh (26) has been accused of jeopardising valued relationships between other people in her small town community, after becoming the subject of an aggressive Facebook status posted by her former friend, Shayleigh (24). Fuk []

The post Two-Faced Putrid Dog Knows Who She Is, According To Aggressive Facebook Status appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Health fears grow for music stars named after games and pastimes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Elderly, octogenarian rock stars with nicknames that conjure up popular pastimes, board games and pub sports have been advised to be vigilant today, following the death of Fats Domino.

Lanky Ludo, Skinny Snakes n Ladders, Huge Hungry Hippo, and Chunky Kerplunky have all stoically reflected aint that a shame at the passing of Fats, which has provided them with a stark reminder of their own mortality. Fate decrees that they are Up Against Time, and will likely die one by one, possibly as each learns of a predecessors death.

Sources close to Chubby Checker (born 1941) say he has been warned by medical advisers not to play Twister again (like he did last summer) for fear of abdominal complications.

Meanwhile Dominos Pizza has created a Fats Domino stuffed crust, baked with extra trans fats and with black rather than green olives as a sign of respect. For dessert, Dominos have come up with Blueberry Hill ice cream, in a special hill size, as a treat for fat, Fats Domino, Dominos fans.

Dominos who will oversee Fatss Funeral have also promised if he is not delivered to his maker in 30 minutes the congregation will all get free Garlic bread

nickb, Fat-tip to dominic_mcg and ron cawleyoni

00:05

A Review Of Ken Wilbers Trump And A Post-Truth World: Or, How I Stopped Evolving And Learned To Love The Trump "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Ken Wilber is often hailed as the smartest guy you never heard of. For an integral part of his theory, Wilber built on Jean Gebsers work on societal and evolutionary development, which suggest societies move through levels of consciousness as they grow, ie: tribal, fundamental, entrepreneurial, liberal, infinity and beyond. Buzz Enlightenedyear? Throughout his tenor, Wilber has generally ignored republican antics in favor

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Thursday, 26 October

23:23

Confident Malcolm Roberts Just Assumes Judges Will Ignore The Evidence "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

One Nation Senator Malcolm Roberts is confident that todays hearing into his eligibility to sit as a member of parliament will find in his favour as he assumes that the Judges will just ignore the evidence and side with him.

Why would the Judges take into account evidence unless of course it is empirical, when it can just take me at my word, said Senator Roberts. After all I am an important man, 77 people decided to vote me in as a member of parliament.

And they voted me in despite me having dual or is it tri-citizenship.

When asked whether he would be attending the hearing Senator Roberts said: I will be there wearing my best tin foil hat and look forward to celebrating my impending victory.

I tell you I havent been this excited since I first discovered a Blog on the internet that told me about how NASA were faking their findings about climate change in order to help the mango industry. You need to watch out for big mango you know. They are powerful.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter...

20:47

Workers Spatula Endorsement for US Presidency in 2020 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Kentucky

DEEP IN THE MOUNTAINS OF KENTUCKY Following years of rising popular struggle in the imperialist United States, Workers Spatulas Central Committee have traveled to a mountain base in rural Kentucky to discuss the upcoming US Presidential Election of 2020. After heated discussion, the following statement was released:

Comrades, we are speaking to you from a guerrilla base of the Appalachian Liberation Movement, who have graciously hosted us for the past few days. We have dined upon exquisite cornbreads and sipped upon the finest Mountain Dews; we have discussed the Afro-American National Liberation Movement and lessons to be learnt from it that may be critically applied in Appalachia; we have been reading ROL and AIM propaganda and discussing their ramifications; above all else, we have been trying to unite the struggles of the poor and oppressed in the fight against capitalism, imperialism, and fascism.

Our support for Donald Trump in 2016 was right, and we are proud to have been responsible for all the heroic unity and struggle of the peoples of the multinational United States. But the question must be asked: have we accelerated the contradictions enough? Surely Donald Trump stands for everything that is wrong with capitalism and imperialism, with the established oppressor nation order, with the patriarchy. The masses in the US are in general agreement that never before has such a cartoonish, unbelievably open chauvinism stood at the face of their enemy. However, in all our discussions...

19:04

Louis Theroux so impressed by a Louis Theroux bot he recorded one for real "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres a @louistherouxbot which comes up with randomly generated Louis Theroux documentaries like this.

This one caught the eye of Louis Theroux himself, who promised to do a voiceover if enough people retweeted it.

Look what happened.

And so he did it (after the occasional technical challenge).

17:50

Japanese photographer takes pictures of cats doing martial arts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Japanese photographer Hisakata Hiroyuki takes action photos of cats that make them look like theyre doing martial arts. Its wonderful stuff heres ten of our favourites.

1.

A post shared by (@photo.accent) on Oct 5, 2017 at 8:37pm PDT

2.

...

16:30

Harsh reviews of a Kettering rubbish dump suggests its not the best place for wedding anniversaries or tourists "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Kettering Household Waste Recycling Centre gets a one-star review from a man who took his wife there for his wedding anniversary.

Well, yes theres always next year. Becky from Glasgow was also disappointed after travelling all that way.

Thats our list of things to do in Northamptonshire dramatically shortened.

The post Harsh reviews of a Kettering rubbish dump suggests its not the best place for wedding anniversaries or tourists appeared first on The Poke.

16:02

Donald Trump v Fredo Corleone from the Godfather "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump, telling us how intelligent he is, we knew it reminded us of someone.

Thanks to @KristerJohnson for the reminder.

The post Donald Trump v Fredo Corleone from the Godfather appeared first on The Poke.

16:00

Bullying of patients in care homes could soon be done by Robots "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Systematic care home cruelty is about to be revolutionised by new disruptive technology which provides automated affordable negligence twenty four hours a day.

The combined effect of longer life spans and the breakdown of the family unit has created a surge in demand for assisted living. But many of Britains unemployed refuse to take a job caring for other people, because theyd rather collect benefits and blame Tory Cuts for every failing in their life. Sadly, there arent enough Eastern Europeans to step in and fill the breach and most of them have disturbing levels of empathy and motivation. As a result there is a massive shortage of home grown gerontophobes.

As a result, many care home residents are getting through the day unscathed, with none of their possessions being stolen. Many are actually finishing their meals before their plates are snatched away from them by an impatient jobsworth. According to one shocking piece of research, 75% of residents in care homes identified their status to researchers as mustnt grumble.

The new Neglig-o-bots could bring traditional British care home cruelty back, delivering obnoxiousness from the bathroom to the bedside, said Jason Nerd, CEO of Silicon Startup.

15:27

Donald Trump interviews are even scarier when you read the transcript "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Youve seen plenty of clips of Donald Trump talking nonsense, but have you ever read a transcript? This person thinks you should.

Well, now he mentions it

The post Donald Trump interviews are even scarier when you read the transcript appeared first on The Poke.

15:11

Amanda Holden asks Tim Peake: Did you bring anything back from the moon? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Amanda Holden asking Tim Peake if he brought anything back from the moon on ITVs This Morning today.

A question Id like to ask and I dont know if youd be allowed to answer it really, because it might be a naughty thing. When you went to the moon did you take a piece of the moon and bring it back home with you? Are you allowed to?

I never went to the moon, I was in the space station.

Note for Amanda Holden the last time anyone walked on the moon was in 1972.

Source

The post...

15:07

KRS One fans will get this "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Some police officers and a KFC advert accidentally make a KRS One reference.

With appropriate audio:

The post KRS One fans will get this appeared first on The Poke.

14:21

7 times news channels struggled with polls "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

News channels love using polls to gauge the mood of the viewers its just that many of them struggle when it comes to the graphics.

1. At least this adds up to 100%, but it does seem like someone Googled pie chart clip art at the last minute. And is colourblind.

2.
This is not
how you
present data

3. NBC2 news and weather for Southwest Florida seems to be struggling with the finer points of bar graphs.

(via)

(via)

4. Were 105% sure NBC 6 South Florida got the maths and...

14:20

Sydney clubs lining up to reject Pearces signature "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

FEELING GOOD TO BE IN DEMAND AGAIN

FEELING GOOD TO BE IN DEMAND AGAIN

More than seven Sydney NRL clubs have expressed keen interest in knocking back the services of Mitchell Pearce, according to a report filed by The Fault Reports sports division.

News of Pearces impending departure from the Sydney Roosters has sent rival teams into a frenzy, with seven of them telling us directly they have a strong desire to be the first to reject him.

The Bulldogs can officially confirm they do not want Mitchell anywhere near Belmore we know all too well that Mitch and dogs dont have a happy history, new Bulldogs coach Dean Pay said.

We have been trying very hard to line up a meeting with Pearce to let him know we dont want him too, added Eels coach Brad Arthur.

Even Pearces manager confirmed that his clients phone had been ringing hot since news broke of his likely departure from the Roosters.

Its been a very busy week, Ive had calls from clubs all over the world telling me they have a strong interest in keeping Mitch away from their squad one under 12s hockey team from Coonamble delivered a particularly emotional plea -it was very touching to be honest, Pearces manager said.

The outgoing Roosters number 7 is believed to be weighing up his options regarding who he should meet with and be rejected by first.

Its just nice to have so many options, a humbled Pearce said in a prepared statement.

FEEL THE FACTS RUIN MOST NRL PODCASTS? THEN WE HAVE THE SHOW FOR YOU!

newlogoaim1

14:04

British Kids are dressing up as Donald Trump this Halloween "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Jonathan McCarthy (aged 6), took to the streets of Central London today styled as Scary Donald trundling a cartoon-style comedy bomb to test reactions to his outfit ahead of Halloween night.

Jonathan said; My costume got quite a few laughs. Though one man said I shouldnt make jokes about American politics. Trumps a pretty scary-looking guy so I didnt need loads of horror make up. It should do pretty well when I go out trick or treating with my friends on October 31st.

Donald has trumped his rivals to be named the scariest celebrity face in a new study, which also sees him ranked in the top 10 Halloween outfits choices for kids alongside Voldemort and Frankenstein.

 

The poll, by the classic comic Beano.com, polled 2,000 British parents with kids aged 4 -14, reveals just how big Halloween has become for children across the UK as shops overflow with themed products.

Half of all British parents said (51%) their children thought Halloween was second only to Christmas in the annual events calendar knocking chocolate-laden religious festival Easter into third place.

...

13:37

Daily Mail takes its crush the saboteurs to a whole new level our favourite 14 responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Earlier this week a Tory MP was forced into a humiliating climbdown after his request to universities to give him names of people lecturing about Brexit was dismissed as McCarthyite and idiotic Leninism.

Except some people feared that wouldnt be the end of it and wouldnt you know it wasnt. Step forward the Daily Crush the Saboteurs Mail.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

13:28

How Stonehenge deals with the end of British Summer Time "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The clocks go back this Sunday to mark the end of British Summer Time while that means an extra hour in bed for most of us, its back-breaking work for others

Never change, official Twitter account for Stonehenge.

13:00

People think Donald Trump wrote this letter in 1992 (and you can see why) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres a terrific letter sent by Donald Trumps secretary to the New York magazine back in 1992.

Except some people thought, well, maybe she didnt actually write it. Type it, yeah. Write it? Well

...

13:00

Prince George is sending her to rehab says teachers friend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Like many of her professional colleagues up and down the land, it seems that half term couldnt have come quickly enough for primary school teacher, Anne McKee. Thats because shes got the future king, Prince George, as one of her charges, and after only six weeks friends say she is beginning feel the strain of looking after such an important pupil.

According to a very close girlfriend: Annes aged at least ten years in this first term alone. The pressure is colossal. Shes going to have to divide her half-term break between running to the chiropractors trying to get her back sorted out after all the bowing and scraping shes had to do, and when shes not there shell be at rehab counselling sessions because shes drinking a bottle of vodka a night. Her nerves are shot to bits. Shes munching the Prozac down like Smarties.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that pressure quickly mounted on the teacher, when The Princes mother, HRH The Duchess of Cambridge, kicked off in front of all the other mums at school drop-off, ranting that her son had to sit on a plastic mini chair during story time. The Duchess was also said to be livid that the Prince had been assigned a non-speaking part of a haystack, rather than a King, in the forthcoming reception class nativity play.

A new brightly-gilded velvet throne for George, placed in the classroom between the sandpit and the Early Reader books seems to have reduced tension, as has the recasting of the future King as Emperor of the Universe in the nativity entertainment. Anne is still said to be under pressure, though, that the Prince might yet still carry out his threat, made during a structured play session in the school adventure playground to have her locked up in the tower.

Shes dreading the parent consultation evening, confided the friend. Royal Appointment in this context means five minutes of general platitudes and generic feedback from the teacher, same as everyone else gets. On the plus side, though, the roast swan George brought in for the harvest festival made a welcome change to the tinned caviar most kids here bring.

Chipchase

12:47

Otters playing the keyboard is your new jam "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A small ray of light in an otherwise gloomy world some otters playing a keyboard set to a pipe organ sound.

Not everyone was a fan

The post Otters playing the keyboard is your new jam appeared first on The Poke.

12:43

Most humiliating correction youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

From todays Daily Telegraph.

So pretty much the whole thing, then. That front page again.

And the apology.

An Oct 25 article incorrectly stated that under proposals by academic staff in response to an open letter from students on decolonising its English Faculty, Cambridge University will be forced to replace white authors with black writers.

The proposals were in fact recommendations. Neither they nor the open letter called for the University to replace white authors with black ones and there are no plans to do so.

And yet as some people pointed out

...

12:28

Daily Mail readers blame sequential hermaphroditism in fish on BBC political agenda "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Another glimpse into the lives of the readers of the Daily Mail, courtesy of @DMReporter on Twitter.

Heres the news article (Blue Planet II is on BBC1 on Sunday).

And heres how the Mails readers responded.

And heres what people made of it online.

12:10

Sometimes the Irish post office has to deal with very unusual stamps "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

One person (very likely in a pub) puts the Irish post office to the test by drawing a stamp on a beermat and posting it.

Stern but fair words. An Post does have a history of successfully dealing with cryptic mail, like this bit of vague post that made it to the right address.

The post Sometimes the Irish post office has to deal with very unusual stamps appeared first on The Poke.

12:00

This letter from Donald Trumps secretary has oddly familiar phrasing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A letter written by Donald Trumps secretary defending her boss has a remarkably familiar style to it, especially the last sentence

Thats all the evidence we need. Case closed!

The post This letter from Donald Trumps secretary has oddly familiar phrasing appeared first on The Poke.

12:00

Second Gunman on Grassy Knoll Identified Using Kennedys Killcam "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON Details on the assassination of John F. Kennedy have unfolded today as the FBI has recovered footage of Kennedys killcam, along with newly declassified information about the 35th Presidents assassination.

Its a miracle we even got footage of the killcam, said acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe. Most people just skip it out of frustration, we are morbidly lucky that President Kennedy was owned so quickly he didnt have time to do so.

The second gunman was identified as Rafael Cruz, a now 78-year old man who was living in the Dallas-Fort Worth area at the time of Kennedys assassination. The grainy footage portrays Cruz spinning around in a complete 360 degree circle before quickscoping for a perfect headshot on President Kennedy.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

The Warren Commission had concluded that Lee Harvey Oswald had carried out the assassination alone due to his years of military training that, if it had occurred now, would have resulted him prestiging multiple times.

Along with the killcam, the FBI also received audio recordings of police interviews with Oswald directly after the shooting. Oswald commented on his affiliation with Cruz due to getting one-shot by Jack Ruby with a pistol.

That asshole [Cruz] is a sweaty tryhard, states Oswald, angered by the Assist message he had received at the time of the Presidents death. First, he takes the grassy knoll. Everyone knows thats the best place to camp. My first shot took off a chunk of his health and he swooped in and jacked my kill before Kennedy could bleed out. If you say Im a traitor, then what is that kill stealing bastard?

After the revelations of the killcam rippled through the country, Cruzs relatives addressed the media.

I truly am ashamed to be the son of the man who killed Kennedy, states former presidential candidate Ted Cruz. Its even more shameful to know that he took that kill from Lee Harvey Oswald. Our...

12:00

Dad Band Reprimands Club Booker for Screwing Around with Venues Thermostat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CHANDLER, Ariz. Local Dad band Richie Thomas and the Ramblin Gamblers reprimanded booker Jason Turner last night for screwing around with the thermostat, uncomfortable patrons of Uncle Woodys Bar and Grill confirmed.

The incident occurred just after the band finished their cover of Tom Pettys American Girl.

Yeah, I saw Jason adjust the thermostat, said bar regular Matt Mandel. All of a sudden, that old guy bands drummer barked at him, That thing isnt a goddamn toy. I was like, Should I leave?

Witnesses report Benji Bang-Bang Sands interjection inspired other members to chime in. Guitarist Steve Schratz gave Turner a terse, Come on, buddy, while bassist Johnny Marasella instead yelled Turners full name.

How the hell did he know my middle name was Eric? said a startled Turner. Thats when I knew I was in trouble.

Before a rendition of Bob Segers Against the Wind, lead singer Richie Thomas allegedly sternly told Turner that 79 degrees was perfectly comfortable as Turner tried to explain that several patrons had complained of the heat. Thomas then used his fingers to deliver a high-pitched whistle, ending the argument.

Related:

He did that weird, thumb-and-index finger whistle my old gym teacher used to do. He actually yelled, End of discussion! Then he let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes while he rubbed his thumb and forefinger on the bridge of his nose, said one eyewitness, who chose to remain anonymous. He went into a rant about how he works so damn hard all week, and asked why we insist on being such pains in the ass.

Reports confirm the audience just sat there with their heads down, saying, I dont know or I guess when directly questioned.

Following the outburst, Thomas regained his composure and playfully asked the crowd if they had any doobies on them before a mediocre rendition of the Doobie Brothers China Grove.

At press time, the band was in the parking lot, standing by Turners Honda Ci...

11:00

Too many health warnings may be bad for you say experts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Healthier not to.Doctors have warned that an extended exposure to health warnings may be detrimental to your health and are calling for a ceiling on the number of medical scare stories to a maximum of 5 per week.

Clinical trials have shown that continual ingestion of health scare stories can lead to ill health, Dr Maggie Penfold told the Daily Mail yesterday. We are recommending that the government sets guidelines for the safe level of health warnings that a person can safely consume as part of a balanced media diet.

In tests, previously fit and healthy people were exposed to a series of medical stories ranging from the routine Red wine is good/bad for you to the extreme Going to the toilet in Yorkshire causes cancer. After a twenty day period scientists found that the cumulative effect of exposure to health hysteria caused extreme stress and in some cases physical pain, although they have not ruled out the rather hard chairs in the medical centre as being a contributing factor.

The test results cause a fresh dilemma for Heath Secretary Andrew Lansley who will be forced to decide if he should suppress news of any future flu epidemic in the interests of the nations health.

Government officials at Whitehall are known to have already commissioned a study to look in to the possibility of a vaccine against the ravages of excessive health alerts, but, whilst trying to appear upbeat, scientists have gently warned that an effective vaccine may be some way off.

The problem with developing a vaccine, commented top researcher, Dr Chris Barkway, is that we are unable to test its effectiveness on animals as they cannot understand the health warning. OK, there are more intelligent creatures than laboratory rats to experiment on, dogs for instance, but generally they are better comprehending single words like walkies or bath rather than phrases such as impending World Health Organisation level six bird flu pandemic.

Meantime, Mr Lansley has been advised not to read the contents of his ministerial red box more than once a week in the interests of health & safety.

10:59

These Halloween costume ideas will solve all your I dont know what to wear problems "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Chris SimpsonsArtist has some great Halloween costume ideas for you:

Thank you Chris I didnt know what to wear says @Messythememe.

Source: Twitter/@getbentsaggy

The post These Halloween costume ideas will solve all your I dont know what to wear problems appeared first on The Poke.

10:08

If those Scottish Widows ads actually told the truth "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

These Scottish Widow ads are getting increasingly dark says @Wefixyouradvert over on Twitter.




Pretty good joke no? But we also enjoyed this exchange in the mentions.

For more advert spoofs follow @WeFixYourAdvert NOW!

Source: Twitter/@WeFixYourAdvert

The post If those Scottish Widows ads actually told the truth appeared first on The Poke.

08:55

These video game patch notes without any context are unexpectedly hilarious "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Strange Log is a superb Twitter account Documenting the strange poetry of change logs and patch notes. All tweets are unedited and selected verbatim.

Heres 60 of the very weirdest and funniest.

1. No longer possible to sacrifice the same person to Satan multiple times

2. Added a meow button that allows you to meow at things

3. balance: added more despair and anger overall

4. Screaming at tentacles is forbidden

5. balance: made people slightly more upset in general

6. Fixed: employees showing up to work furious for no reason

7. fixed: you have no friends

8. Immortal characters should no longer die when making love too fiercely with their spouse

9. Crying requires more sadness.

10. FIXED: murder

11. The humans will not stare at each other until they die anymore.

12. Babies will no longer send text messages congratulating your Sims on their marriage, engagement, or pregnancy

13. Void eggs can be placed in mayonnaise machines to make void mayonnaise

14. There is now a strong correlation between disco balls and demonic runes

15. Children looking for discarded toys in the trash will no longer find themselves discarded.

16. Gorillas no longer speak English when they get annoyed at you

17. If you pause in Canada, the game will now acknowledge that youre in Canada

18. Thief occasionally says Yoink! when pickpocketing

19. Drowning no longer makes you immune to drowning

20. Spouses less likely to run away into the dark abyss

21. Sims with the Hates Children trait now get a happy buff when they fail a pregnancy test

22. Players can no longer shove their face through the fridge to eat food

23. Handsome and lustful men now also populate the cabins in the wild for the pleasures of people who find them attractive

24. No longer will you get upset about your spouse/parents grave getting robbed if you were the robber

25. Stopped cats from dying of alcohol poisoni...

08:29

When your mom forgets to bring her reading glasses to the bookstore and ends up in a cult "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

@Henpeckedhal over on Twitter has shared this alarming and amusing exchange with his mother.


This is both horrifying and hilarious at the same time. notes @Alisonchrista.

Source: Twitter/@HenpeckedHal

The post When your mom forgets to bring her reading glasses to the bookstore and ends up in a cult appeared first on The Poke.

07:33

Tens Lawyers On Hand To Serve Jarrod With An AVO The Minute Sophie Rejects Him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet Reporter | Contact The legal team at Channel Ten confirmed that they were on edge as they waited for the moment many at home knew was coming. From the outset, everyone has been fairly aware that the Vineyard Manager from the Gippsland Region was never going to win. However, no one []

The post Tens Lawyers On Hand To Serve Jarrod With An AVO The Minute Sophie Rejects Him appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:09

Report: Dad Reckons Those Snags Should Be Good For A Turn "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In a rare example of micromanaging, dad has decided to sit out on the grilling of red meat today, and instead opted to stand next to the Weber and essentially doing everything but holding the tongs. While youre sure youve never seen your dad operate the BBQ before, chatting with him over []

The post Report: Dad Reckons Those Snags Should Be Good For A Turn appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:40

Suburban Conveyancing Solicitor Not Comparing Himself To Rake Anymore "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Intern | Contact Burwood solicitor Simon Harper has today distanced himself from his previous claims that he is a bit of a Rake himself. Despite the fact that, he doesnt have anything in common with notable barrister and personality Charles Waterstreet, Harper has long described himself as a bit of a scoundrel. Yeah, what can I []

The post Suburban Conveyancing Solicitor Not Comparing Himself To Rake Anymore appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:48

8-Month-Old Baby Gets Pregnant After Getting Routine Vaccine "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

baby

MONMOUTH, Maryland

An 8-month-old baby was recently discovered to be pregnant, after being hospitalized only a few hours after receiving a routine MMR vaccine.

The baby, whose name is being withheld for privacy reasons, was slightly behind in her 6-month shots for MMR, and after taking ill, the mother brought the baby to a local hospital.

After conducting a battery of tests, we concluded that the baby girl was, in fact, pregnant, said Dr. Martin Klein of Monmouth Regional Hospital. This is the first time I have ever seen anything like this, and frankly, Im completely stunned as to how this could have happened.

The mother of the child, Mary, said that she is dumbfounded about this, but that she knew that there was a reason that so many people were becoming anti-vaxx lately.

This movement of people not vaccinating their children, I always thought it was just because no one wants a retard baby, but this is just way worse than I thought, said Mary. I only wanted to raise one baby, and thanks to vaccines, now I have to raise two? How am I going to do that on a waitress salary? This is crazy. My husband is going to FLIP OUT.

00:55

Braille porn discovered in textured kitchen rolls "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

 

The RNIB has expressed concerns that kitchen towel manufacturers may be deliberately printing erotic literature in Braille on their products.

Partially sighted pensioner Dennis Chilcot was horrified when last Tuesday, clearing up some spilt tea, he felt the words: perky nipples.

At first I wasnt sure, he told our reporter. But I kept on feeling and, sure enough, it was utter filth. Ive never been so embarrassed in all my life! Reading this could send me blind, if I wasnt already!

Susan Harris of West Bridge also contacted us to tell us about her visually impaired, 14 year olds obsession with Plenty towels.

My Kevin has recently started to be obsessed with kitchen roll. Hes always been a solitary child but he had taken to locking himself away in the bathroom for hours on end. Id honestly no idea what he was up to, the filthy little beast.

She continued, Weve started to buy Aldis own brand to try to stop his obsession but now all he wants to do is learn German.

A spokesman for the UK Kitchen Towel Manufacturers Association, Mr Juan Sheet, has denied any involvement in this and called it an unfortunate coincidence but he was reluctant to comment on the recent takeover of Thirst Pockets by Larry Flynt.

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Wednesday, 25 October

23:56

Donald Trump tries to show hes intelligent, ends up doing the exact opposite "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This could be our favourite Trump clip yet but, lets face it, theres been a lot of them.

I called [him] La David right from the beginning. Just so you understand they put a chart in front , La David, it says La David Johnson.

Not quite sure what this means is the president saying they put a chart in front of him to help him get the name right? Well, the army sergeants widow DID say he had problems remembering his name.

One of the great memories of all time.

Sounds like it.

And heres another Trump clip from today which is almost as good/terrible.

One of the first signs of an intelligent person they keep having to tell you how intelligent they are...

23:42

Keep your eye on the fan who tries really, really hard to catch the shirt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

No doubt who was the man of the match at West Hams 3-2 cup win over Spurs last night. Its this West Ham fan who did his utmost to catch Hammers player Mark Nobles shirt after he threw it into the crowd.

But what happened next?

Thats gotta hurt.

At least his team won, right?

Okay, one more time.

Source

The post Keep your eye o...

23:32

This Apprentice clip went viral because its one of those great excruciating moments "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Even if youre not watching the show you can enjoy this. Again, and again, and again.

BOOM!

23:23

Only Room For One Bigmouth In My Office Says Michaelia Cash "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Michaelia Cash has fired the staffer who alerted the media to AFP raids on the Australian Workers Union stating that her offices were not big enough for the both of them.

I loudly deny that I have a policy of only hiring staff with big mouths so that it makes my own mouth look smaller, said the Employment Minister in a press conference that was heard around the world. Other members of my staff such as The Joker, Brian Blessed, Julia Roberts, The Hungry Hungry Hippos and The Face From The Entrance To Luna Park will back me up on that one.

Meanwhile Malcolm Turnbull has denied using the Federal Police to do his personal bidding after 32 AFP officers were dispatched to his Point Piper mansion to rescue his cat from up a tree.

The AFP is an independent body and if they decide to send 32 officers around to my place to make a human pyramid to get my cat down from a tree thats entirely their own decision, said a relieved Mr Turnbull after being reunited with his favourite Persian. Who knows, maybe Mr Fluffy was up the gum tree looking for terrorists or drug lords.

The officers advised Mr Turnbull to call on them if his cat gets up the tree again or if he has any other get up related trouble.

Peter Green
...

19:54

Would like to think whoever wrote this about Americanisms was filled with rage and did it in one sitting "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres the BBCs styleguide on Americanisms, and how not to use them.

Turns out they missed a few.

Except

19:44

Excuse me hi, Id like to know if you have time to talk about our lord and saviour, Winnie The Pooh? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This just happened.

And this person came up with the perfect caption.

Bravo!

16:54

Squirrel Bridge Construction Funding Eliminated, Squirrels now at Greater Risk "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Spokane. The proposed "Squirrels at Twelve O'Clock High" overhead street bridge that would safely link squirrels from South Elm Street to North Elm Street may not be completed after all, due to a decision by the city council to eliminate all current...

Monday, 25 September

03:33

"President Trump Fixes Earth" is #1 Show in the Alpha Centauri Galaxy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington, DC President Donald Trump was recently visited by a spaceship fron Alpha Centauri, to give him the Galaxy Award, an award to the top entertainment show in the (Alpha Centauri) galaxy. "Our people cannot get enough of the crazy Trump ad...

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