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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.
RomeMany are voicing their concern with the decision to upgrade Michelangelos work The Creation of Adam, which adorns the ceiling of Romes famous Sistine Chapel. The painting now depicts President Donald Trump and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan in the role of God and Adam. These changes took place shortly after the announcement of Ryans pending retirement. Those in
They did an experiment in Germany where the same woman with the same CV applied for the same jobs, but with three different identities.
When we say identities, we mean she changed her name and in one case, wore a head scarf.
This is what happened.
Positive reply by fictive job applicants with the same CV in Germany (University of Linz study)
Sandra Bauer: 18.8%
Meryem ztrk: 13.5%
Meryem ztrk (with headscarf): 4.2%https://t.co/vlSCUPcBQ2 pic.twitter.com/VUwOqpaerV
Alper ok (@AlperUcok) April 9, 2018
The fact that it was entirely predictable doesnt make it any less shocking, whatever language you are reading it in.
Having helped out with recruitment in previous roles, a photo and name shouldn't even come into consideration. All that they should be looking at is the applicants experience and whether their resume reflects adequate levels of language comprehension
Investigations Impede Progress (@jr_droid) April 10, 2018
Although, given the state of some of the replies to the original tweet, you can see why its not matched by reality.
Yes thats what should be happening but all too rarely is. This is of a piece with several other studies demonstrating similar behaviours.
Sailing the Sea of Stars (@arcadiagt5) April 10, 2018
The post What happened when a job applicant used the same CV but 3 different identities appeared first on The Poke.
Never let it be said that US politicians dont know what theyre talking about.
If you want to know just how tough a grilling Mark Zuckerberg was given during two days of questions in Congress, take a look at this.
It would be tragic if it wasnt so funny. Or maybe that should be the other way round.
And just in case youre in any doubt exactly how across the technology they were
When you try to show you're not out of your depth questioning Zuckerberg on technology by proving you've never heard of Powerpoint or a screen. pic.twitter.com/DINgVFbbzj
David Schneider (@davidschneider) April 11, 2018
The post This supercut of dumb questions put to Mark Zuckerberg by Congress is both funny and tragic appeared first on The Poke.
Following on from its recent exciting news to cease giving customers a free coffee, upmarket supermarket Waitrose has identified other ways to please customers.
Providing change is just an irritant, dont you agree? asked Shona, a customer relations officer for Waitrose. Thats why were rounding up all our product lines to multiples of five pounds, going forward. And what about value for money? Overrated or what, she added, failing to mention the supermarket chain had never been accused if it previously.
What ordinary people want is a small basket of unpronounceable foods that are unrecognisable to their neighbours in exchange for a small fortune, a free newspaper and an instantly recognisable Waitrose bag for life, only 7.50 each. Hang on, did I say free newspaper?
Tory MP and Conservative vice chairman James Cleverly had this to say about Jeremy Corbyns plans to give free bus travel to under-25s.
And remember, kids, when it comes to elections Labour think youre an adult at 16, when it comes to bus travel youre not an adult until 25.
James Cleverly (@JamesCleverly) April 12, 2018
Its not so much whether you agree with the policy or not its, well, have a look for yourself.
See James it's because under 25s earn less, at least in part because your govt allows employers to pay them less, you massive idiot
Frank Sobotka (@cymrurouge) April 12, 2018
Why does free bus travel to under 25s imply they're not adults ?
Richard Nutman (@RichardN7) April 12, 2018
Thats slightly stupid logic isnt it, James? presumably youre not disputing pensioners status as adults by supporting their free bus travel entitlement?
Josh Hitchens (@joshhitchens_uk) April 12, 2018
Part of a government that supports votes at 18, different national insurance rate for under-21s, different minimum wage for under-25s. It's almost like these things aren't related https://t.co/WHL7bBmJbp
Martin Belam (@MartinBelam) April 12, 2018
Oh dear, Corbyns bus policy isnt great, but this Tory response conflates cognitive maturity with...
PHILADELPHIA An online dinner recipe for a simple, vegan-friendly lentil soup has allegedly been written as a fucking novel for some reason, hungry sources confirmed late last night.
I used to love food blogs, said 34-year-old amateur chef Alex Ford, endlessly scrolling through page after page of meandering writing. But, for fucks sake, why is this so long? I didnt realize fastandvegan.com had Ernest Hemingway on staff. I just need to know what lentils to purchase.
While upset, Ford privately admitted the recipe captivated him at points.
To be honest, this part of the recipe is getting pretty good the protagonist is at the doctors office to get her diagnosis, but the doctor is actually her husbands mistress, said Ford, adjusting his glasses and his tofu down to a low simmer. I have to see where this goes, and whether I need to borrow an immersion blender.
Literary critic and New York Times Book Review contributor Stefanie Milheisner noted many Americans struggle to finish recipes.
On average, most Americans have half-finished reading six different recipes at any given time. I recommend easy, light recipes and self-help recipes short enough to read on a commute, yet lighthearted, Milheisner suggested. Try finding recipes with which to curl up next to a fireplace. You dont want it to feel like a fucking chore when all you want is to set your ovens temperature.
Food blogger and diarist Karina Boulard defended narrative recipes, claiming most people are equally hungry for nourishment and content about her fun-loving family of four.
You dont just come to my website to learn how to make deviled eggs, Boulard said. You come to be immersed my weekend with my 6-year-old twins, my husbands infected toenail, and what my therapist thinks of my relationship with my father.
She later added, Only then will you see an ingredient list, and thats after clicking on two or three links to get to the other website that actually h...
Someone at the BBC thought this was a good idea and the corporations media editor Amol Rajan is particularly excited about it.
On Saturday, for 1st time EVER, Enoch Powell's Rivers of Blood speech will be read in full on UK radio (by actor Ian McDiarmid). Please join us @BBCRadio4 8pm. Super-brains Nathan Gower + David Prest have done an amazing production job. Great guests too: https://t.co/3XvDMSH16d
Amol Rajan (@amolrajanBBC) April 12, 2018
But the response to the news today suggests he might be the only one. Well, apart from whoever commissioned it and actor Ian McDiarmid, who will read it.
Heres how people responded online.
Why are you giving a platform to a racist
Shivam Manghnani (@shivamLM) April 12, 2018
Im like SOOO looking forwards to this. How great it will be to hear the words that inspired such hatred of me and my family (and yours, no doubt). Are the beeb doing Goebbels next week? Apparently he was quite a good orator too.
YRP (@URs_e17) April 12, 2018
Please keep this filth from our airwaves we absolutely do not need or want a racist speech to be read out in full on UK radio.
Stop to think for a moment how the many families who have suffered as a direct result of Enoch Powell & his racism will be feeling right now.
Gary Spedding (@GarySpedding) April 12, 2018
As were about to engage in conflict in Syria, while the British public are increasingly racist and IN PARTICULAR towards refugees, this is fucking appalling....
Meet Walter Flannery. 64-year-old file clerk, two-time divorcee, grandfather of two beautiful pomeranians, and podcasting entrepreneur.
Walter is one of 43 million Americans with a podcast. And recently he doubled his audience after finally convincing his coworker Sarah to listen!
For a while there it was just my very much alive mother listening. But through hard-work and my unique insights into hot button topics like race and politics, I was able to increase my total audience by an astounding 100 percent! I bet pretty soon that Leesa lady with the mattresses will be wanting to sponsor my show.
But what the heck is a podcast, anyway?
A Podographic Castaphone Broadcast or podcast was invented by professional misanthrope and fired Air America DJ, Mark Maron. Marons maiden podcast was a mere 7-second recording of him asking for his assistant Kevin Smith.
Mr. Smith. Come here. I want to see you.
In subsequent podcasts Maron would not only ask people to come see him, but he would also spend hours apologizing for past misgivings while simultaneously slinging fresh insults at his guests.
From Marons rudimentary recordings more than 20 years ago came an exceedingly popular podcasting industry that might be effectively monetized at some point.
Recording technology is now affordable enough that even a regular Joe living with his not dead mom can sling the casts. Which is great, because Ive got these dark thoughts gnawing at my brain all hours of the day and I needed to expunge them from my skull.
Still, a good podcast is nothing without its audience. Thats why we asked Sarah, Walters coworker and 50 percent of his audience, what she thinks about his show.
Um so yeah, one day, after telling me about his so-called podcast, I come into work to find a cassette tape with the words YOU written on it just sitting on my keyboard. The tape was hours of Walters conversation with his mother which was definitely just him in a more high-pitched voice, ranting about the impending race wars. I wish to God I never listened to that tape.
What a ringing endorsement, Sarah! Keep reaching for the stars, Walter!
Article By Patrick Coyne
Wanna support The Hard Times? Buy one of our t-shirts!
Heroin and chips have become the meal of choice for coastal communities and thieving seagulls. So addicted to H have the birds become, that many will bombard innocent beach-goers enjoying the simple pleasures of sunshine and syringe filled with birdie powder.
Seaside resort towns are said to have the highest death rates through heroin, but that is mainly due to jacked-up seagulls colliding with shipping. The average seagull can consume its own bodyweight in heroin every day, meaning that being shat upon by a seagull is still considered to be lucky and has a street value of 20 hence the expression this shit is good.
Holidaymakers hoping to enjoy a nice cone of chips or a bag of china white, are advised to gently heat their heroin undercover of a beach brolly. If families want to share needles, they should do so behind a windbreak, away from doped-up gulls and at least thirty minutes before swimming.
Said one tourist: I was busy chasing the dragon and then all of sudden I was being frantically pursued by a herring gull. It was like Hitchcock had directed Trainspotting. Worse still, I got sand in my sandwich although its still technically purer than the smack I bought.
Just in case you ever suspected that Donald and Melania Trump werent entirely the caring, sharing types, then Fox News found a clip to prove the First Lady is a veritable modern day Mother Theresa.
Seriously. Is there nothing this woman wont do for humanity?
Fox News (@FoxNews) April 10, 2018
And it got exactly the response it deserved online.
this is the funniest thing ive ever seen https://t.co/WNg1jbPmCx
Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 11, 2018
@FoxNews is so desperate that they broadcast the most trivial to shed a postive light on the Trumps
Ulrich G. (@mar4lex) April 11, 2018
Imagine if saying "Don't worry, it's just a water" was the most humanizing thing fox news was able to hype about you
Ijeoma Oluo (@IjeomaOluo) April 12, 2018
RICHMOND, Va. That the only people local bachelor Scott Eckhart feels a familial connection with are the members of an anime shitposting Facebook group he created, according to close sources.
I was never really close with my parents, and dating hasnt worked out too well for me, said the 33-year-old Eckhart. But luckily Ive fostered a really supportive community online. Theyre like the family I always wished for growing up.
The Facebook group, called Joseph Weeaboomans loliposting dumpster, has over 14,000 members, and primarily features intentionally poor memes related to Japanese cartoons of young-looking women. Eckhart is the sole moderator.
Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:
I give as much time and dedication to nurturing the loliposting dumpster as any man gives to his family, he said. Keep in mind, I dont just repost stuff I find, I make memes, too. Sometimes the stuff I make ends up reposted in other shitposting groups. Its incredible seeing something that was once entirely yours and vulnerable go out into the world on its own. Kinda like watching children grow up. My memes are my children.
Members of the group generally hail Eckharts leadership, citing both his commitment and his compassion for the members.
That group is great, said one member, Jacob Cohen. The admin is always online, and every time he posts a hentai meme, he always includes the sauce. I show it to my waifu Asuna all the time. Just a lot of really dank stuff in there.
With the world running out of space to dump all the crap we create, its reassuring to know that everyone is doing their bit to cut down on unnecessary waste. Right?
If only nature would find a way to cover these oranges so we didn't need to waste so much plastic on them. pic.twitter.com/00YECaHB4D
Nathalie Gordon (@awlilnatty) March 3, 2016
More unnecessary packaging of fresh produce. HT @mshannahwithers pic.twitter.com/MQo9oEflcV
Weh Yeoh (@wmyeoh)...
The United Nations have announced the appointment of Jeremy Kyle to take up the newly created position of President of the Resolution of International Conflicts (PRIC). The move, sponsored by FoxyBingo.com, sees the smug presenter build on the success of his ITV show, and may also help bring a whole new daytime audience to the tiring war and tyranny format.
The first series will see me take on some of the worlds biggest conflicts Mr Kyle, 46, explained in a Heat magazine interview. Robert Mugabe will discuss his human rights abuses, Kim Jong-Un will talk about his nuclear ambitions, and Nicolas Sarkozy will try to overcome his short-man syndrome, all in front of an unemployed, blood thirsty studio audience.
The programme will also include features that are the staple of the regular chat show. Syrian president, Bashir Hafez al-Assad, will be the first world leader to face the lie detector. He will be asked if he has told his troops to continue fighting despite the ceasefire, if he ordered the murder of thousands of civilians and if has ever had sexual contact with any other world leader.
Some may see the last question as irrelevant, Mr Kyle told the reporter, but we need to discover why China and Russia dont want to upset him.
India and Pakistan have also agreed to appear. For many years they have tried to use their armies to sort out the custody arrangements of Kashmir, but Mr Kyle and the rest of the production team believe that after a brief nuclear moment on stage, their differences can be resolved by the aftercare team.
One of the more controversial shows will see the Israelis and Palestinians come together in front of a television audience and decide once and for all who owns the West Bank with a DNA test. Jordan have asked to come and help with the debate but it has been decided the average Jeremy Kyle watcher would be disappointed not to see Katie Price.
The good people of Shitty Life Tips have been collecting the most useful life hacks the internet has to offer and you wont believe how you coped without them.
Follow them for yourself at @mindblowingtips.
But before you do, our favourite 17 tips.
Tired Of Boiling Water Every Time You Make Pasta? Boil A Few Gallons At The Beginning Of The Week And Freeze It For Later. pic.twitter.com/L2G2Gc3NTc
Shitty Life Tips (@mindblowingtips) April 9, 2018
If You Sleep Till Noon You Only Have To Pay For 2 Meals Instead Of 3 pic.twitter.com/S2JYOE3Q0k
Shitty Life Tips (@mindblowingtips) April 10, 2018
When Cutting Bagels In Half, Put Your Finger Through The Stabilization Hole To Keep It Steady pic.twitter.com/M8VFLM48UE
Shitty Life Tips (@mindblowingtips) April 6, 2018
Cut Your Tennis Balls In Half To Store Two More Balls In Each Can, Saving Space . pic.twitter.com/MHIoh4ZaK9
Shitty Life Tips (@mindblowingtips) April 4, 2018
Having A Shitty Day? Put On Sunglasses! Now Youre Having A Shitty Evening pic.twitter.com/0VFEU1B9PI
Shitty Life Tips (@mindblowingtips) April 11, 2018
Use This When You Want Your Pc To Be Eve...
A new dissident group calling itself the Irish Republican Movement announced itself by saying it will execute anyone believed to be involved in selling drugs.
Not the sort of thing to be taken lightly.
The Irish News (@irish_news) April 12, 2018
And yet people were struggling to take it seriously on Twitter, if these responses are anything to go by.
Something to do with the picture, by all accounts.
The responses pic.twitter.com/GmaeriwFnt
Naomi O'Leary (@NaomiOhReally) April 12, 2018
Is that a worm reading the statement in his kitchen
mark fee (@markfee1978) April 12, 2018
Stop selling drugs or we will decorate your room like this.
Col WATP. (@GersPunk) April 12, 2018
I'm betting that sheet up on the wall behind them is hiding vinyl text which says "Live, Love, Laugh"
OnlyAnExcuse aka Danny (@OnlyAnExcuse)...
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT One of Betootas most prominent homosexuals, Jordie, has today declared that hed gladly face a fundamentalist Christian afterlife if Israel Folau jumped the fence. This comes after the happy clapping Wallabies player sparked a social media furore last week after writing that gay people were destined for hell unless they repent on an 
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT FUCK!!!! echoed down the quiet street, as a local commuter quickly tails out of a full blown sprint towards his bus. The local man whos severely sweating and out of breath next to an empty bus stand has confirmed to the Betoota Advocate that he absolutely did NOT want to catch that bus 
The post Commuter Who Just Missed His Bus Quickly Pulls It Together After Very Public F-Bomb appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
It began when Diane Morgan AKA Philomena Cunk tweeted this to help spread the word about her new series on BBC2.
Me and Simon Schama are the only people The National Trust allows to slide down banisters in stately homes. pic.twitter.com/ILJ0q6Ea9k
Diane Morgan (@missdianemorgan) April 10, 2018
And then look who got in touch.
National Trust (@nationaltrust) April 10, 2018
Diane Morgan (@missdianemorgan) April 10, 2018
Uh oh someone's in trouble.
Tim (@Maiders01) April 10, 2018
Heres our pick of what happened next.
Nicola Cornick (@NicolaCornick) April 10, 2018
Did MC Escher design that house???
Jake Mellor (@DevilboyScooby) April 10, 2018
Pupils who wanted to listen to music while doing their exams were banned from bringing their mobiles with them because of the obvious potential for teaching.
But one pupil wasnt going to be stopped from listening to his favourite tunes while he scribbled away. So he did this.
Yes, it is what it looks like.
Students are taking their Physics Midterm exam today. I said no cell phones, not even for music since they could be used to cheat.
This student brought in a record player and is bumping Kanye in his headphones right now pic.twitter.com/p57iMIal7D
Eric Saueracker (@esaueracker) April 11, 2018
Were living in 2018 while this guy is living in 1974 https://t.co/hB0b1d4UwA
(@Jordan__IX) April 11, 2018
People particularly enjoyed his choice of music.
The College Dropout
Kirk Marcel (@drvg_mason) April 11, 2018
A story in 4 parts to make your day better.
It began when this chap tweeted how his cousins 11-year-old daughter had secretly been reading the Washington Post.
How big a fan was she? This big.
And then guess who got in touch?
Yeah, but did they really end up doing anything about it?
this site is sometimes good: a story in four parts pic.twitter.com/biB0b402hS
Steven Rich (@dataeditor) April 11, 2018
This pleases me. When I joined @SunderlandEcho I went back to my primary school and my former teacher asked w...
The London Evening Standard ran a story about a London hospital which is leading the worlds largest ever study into a dangerous heart condition that killed George Michael.
And the picture they used got Claire Sturgess wondering.
Claire Sturgess (@thesturge) April 11, 2018
We stared at it for a while and were still not sure. But these people are.
Rob Lamberti. pic.twitter.com/DMMduHfl3M
Penny_Watcher (@Penny_Watcher) April 11, 2018
Claire Sturgess (@thesturge) April 11, 2018
Was the disease that killed him spread by impersonators?!
Tom Coates (@tomcoates) April 11, 2018
seanhannam (@seanhannam) April 12, 2018
Reminded people of this.
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Peter and Nancy Pearson have waited years for the day, and yesterday it finally came. Their eldest son Graeme got his provisional license meaning it was time for the sexagenarians to get a little bit of payback for all the years they drove him around. Mere minutes after they got the news, 
The post Parents Of New P-Plater Excited To No Longer Drink-Drive Home From The Club Each Night appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
WENDELL HUSSEY | Editor | CONTACT The Ipswich Jets are under siege from media today after questions were raised about their new open grade backline. Despite the Jets training behind closed doors, The Advocate can exclusively reveal that iconic Queensland Rugby League team has completely revamped its fullback, centre and wing stocks. The new try-scoring operation has a distinctly 
The post Ipswich Jets Refuse To Explain Where Their New Cameroonian Backline Came From appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Commonwealth Games high-jumper, Brandon Starc, has today revealed to Channel Seven reporters the secret behind his gold medal success. Apparently it all comes down to jumping high. Starc has forged his way into the households of Australia with this Gold medal performance last night, where he will join his Test cricketer brother Mitchell. 
The post I Just Had To Focus On Jumping High Says High Jumper appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Two months ago, Nathan Dollarhydes life was perfect according to the man himself. Today, its far from it. The Advocate can reveal this afternoon that his partner of six years, Amanda ODonghue, felt there was a lot more life could offer her beyond the Betoota City Limits so she left. And that 
The post Addition Of Chair To New Post Break-Up Bedroom Clear Evidence Mans Life Is Getting Back On Track appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
When ews Australian citizen Yassmin Abdel-Magieds had been deported from the United States filtered through to The Daily Telegraphs offices, columnist Miranda Devine begun weeping with joy and shouting: There is a God, yes, there is a God!
I need to apologise to my colleagues but sometimes when you get good news you just have to celebrate it, said a jubiliant Devine. I mean you hope and pray that something like this would happen but youre never sure if God hears your prayers. Especially now as its the Commonwealth games and he has a lot of prayers from athletes to answer.
Like Devine, other columnists such as Andrew Bolt and Rita Panahi were also feeling in a celebratory mood.
Bolt said of the news: Its been a tough week, what with Malcolm not resigning when he hit 30, but this news is just great. Think of the columns, opinion pieces and Sky News stories Ill be able to churn out, thisll keep me busy for months.
Newscorp has cancelled all leave for columnists and journalists (sic) and has promised to cover Yassmin Abdel-Magied 24/7, so business as usual really.
You can check out our new show ...
LEROY PERVICAL | Goldie | CONTACT Commonwealth Games competitors residing at the athletes village have today come out in frustration of the games cyclists taking over the village cafe and hogging all the copies of The Courier Mail. Athletes say that their morning routines and mental preparations are being ruined as the cafe is completely over run with lycra-clad 
The post Commonwealth Games Cyclists Noisily Take Over Every Single Cafe In The Gold Coast appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent study conducted by the Licensing Inquiries and Testing For Australian Management (LitFam) ombudsman shows that 85% of craft beer in Australia is actually just a high-sugar passionfruit flavoured soft drink in disguise. 80% were found to be actually just Kirks Pasito, while a further 5% was found to be rival passionfruit flavoured soft 
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Sports commentators say they are shocked by revelations coming out of Wollongong this week, after it was reported that NRL prodigy Brodie Bevan (22) was able to call it a night after three full-strength schooners. The Illawarra-original is currently playing in Sydney and already hyped for his first Blues jersey after only two 
The post Professional Rugby League Player Goes Out For A Few Quiet Beers And Gets Home Safe appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
The conviction of a Leeds schoolboy for polluting the local atmosphere was quashed in the High Court today. Michael Jones, 13, had raised concerns about a particularly smelly fart produced during a year 8 English class, which, based on smell and considerable circumstantial giggling and cries of hes shat him sen, hypothesised that the offence had come from Paul McBride seated two desks behind him.
In the furore that ensued and the original trial, McBride used the tried and trusted The one who smelt it dealt it defence, first used in Stockton Comprehensive school back in 1974, noted Judge Peter Stenson. This temporarily deflected attention back onto the hapless Jones with what was by all accounts an eye- watering pea-supper .
Whilst McBride cleverly retorted, almost instantaneously with The one that denied it supplied it, unfortunately for him, most of the class was already pointing at him, holding their noses and wafting their textbooks around in a highly exaggerated fashion to try and disperse the smell., continued Stenson. When the English teacher asked Jones if hed had a curry the night before, his fate was effectively sealed.
Crucial new evidence was brought before the High Court. First, a new witness, fellow classmate Ricky Davies, came forward, indicating that he had heard McBride deliver the fart on the day in question, with McBride chanting Watch out for this, too good to miss, here comes an eggy boff, whilst raising one butt cheek upwards and mimicking a gun firing as he released a rasper.
Secondly, the court heard that Jones original lawyer was negligent in not using the one that said the rhyme, did the crime defence. Had either Jones used this on the day of the fart, or in court, the perpetrator would never have actually have been able to be identified with any certainty given that each party would actually have said a rhyme so ner ner , noted Stenson. We would have all forgotten about it by afternoon break.
Mr McBride is now being investigated for more than 20 instances of letting off Silent But Deadlies and three cases of following through in a maths lesson.
Channel 7 announced today that the next season of My Kitchen Rules will feature lifelong cycling buddies Tony Abbott and Kevin Andrews competing to win the title.
We have so far avoided using so called celebrities on the show, said a Channel 7 Spokesperson. However as our polling suggested neither Andrews or Abbott are popular enough to be considered a celebrity so it works well for us.
When asked how he felt they would go on the show the Channel 7 Spokesperson said: Im not sure, they seem to work well together however they do have some odd requests. For instance they insist on using a coal fired oven and Tony always seems to be taking knives claiming he needs to give them to his friend Malcolm.
Said Kevin Andrews of his upcoming appearance on My Kitchen Rules: Am looking forward to getting into the kitchen and getting behind Tony.
Mr Abbott was also keen to talk up his future My Kitchen Rules appearance saying: It will be good for the show and the Australian public to see Kevin and I in the kitchen in our lycra. Dare I say it we will bring a bit of sex appeal back to televison.
You can check out our new show...
Mueller hires an investigative duo as young as they are accomplished.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
As an Aries, its no secret that you can be a giant diva from time to time and you know what? Fuck yeah! Take time this week to make sure everyone knows YOU have that Fire energy, and that YOU are in control. Dont stop at just re-recording all your bands guitar parts rename the whole goddamn band!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
More than likely, theres someone in your inner circle trying to get closer to you. It may be a potential partner but, more plausibly, its that asshole in the cut-offs trying to crowd-kill in the pit. Be confident in yourself, and youll be able to shove a full-grown man until he saunters over to the other side of the crowd with no problem.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The stars predict good fortune for you this month, Gemini! A windfall of drink tickets is coming your way just dont let it go to your head!
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Resources will be extra tight this week, Cancer: the usual chips and salsa you earn at regular gigs may be cut back. But, its not all looking gloomy youll find a truck stop with free plastic spoons around the 17th to shovel some extra salsa straight into your mouth.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Is your natural wanderlust pulling you back out onto the road? Did your last tour lose so much money, you dont know if you could survive another hit? Fear not, Leo your girlfriend makes good money at the museum, and shed love to front the cash needed to get you and the boys to Duluth! I mean, who else is gonna show those kids your innovative blend of hardcore and straight edge hardcore?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Its time to treat yourself, dependable Virgo. Last weeks bender does NOT mean you need to go straight edge to redeem yourself. Keep the party rolling, and dont pay any attention to those Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlets that keep mysteriously showing up under your bedroom door. They probably keep ending up there by accident, anyway.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
As a Libra, you have a passion for art and culture so stop hiding it! Share it with the world by loudly letting everyone around you know exactly how much you think the band currently on stage fucking sucks.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Hate to say it, Scorpio, but weve been talking, and well, youve been kind of a dick lately. Even that shitty promoter no one can stand agrees. So while the new moon next week will affect you in a major way, we wont waste our breath, because we know you wont take whatever advice we have for you anyway.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
This is a good day to color outside the lines, Sagittarius! Pair a bullet belt with some Hurley board shorts who gives a fuck? Your creativity se...
A YouTube star called Jessie Paege took to Twitter to talk about the real nature of social anxiety rather than some peoples misconceptions of it and it went clearly struck a chord with people who had wanted to discuss the same thing.
social anxiety is not
omggg I love netflix and I hate everyone
longing to go to social situations that are easy for other people
wanting to use your voice, but feeling stifled
feeling trapped in your thoughts
and so much more
Jessie Paege (@jessiepaege) April 9, 2018
Her tweet has so far been shared 70,000 times. Here is a flavour of how people responded online.
Anxiety is staying up till four in the morning thinking about how situations could have differed, had you just changed one thing. Anxiety is falling down the rabbit hole of endless what ifs and scenarios for all the bad things that *could* happen.
Morgan Elaine (@EmmySheetz) April 9, 2018
social anxiety in media: Im just so painfully shy, its adorable
actual people with social anxiety: I cant really enjoy myself in this social situation because I am literally terrified of monopolizing the conversation or saying the wrong thing https://t.co/wzjc5LA8yi
Catie Hennessey (@catiemolly) April 10, 2018
Anxiety is struggling to catch your breath while you try to assess every little thing accordingly. Anxiety is nail-biting, hair-pulling, continuous chills & so much more while you try to figure out what the hell youre going to do. Theres no band-aid to make it better.-
Morgan Elaine (@EmmySheetz) April 9, 2018
Thanks to this picture of Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Holland Americans are now convinced that British people dont have lips.
this is the most british picture i've ever seen pic.twitter.com/dDSPVM3KcZ
alice (@alicepleasancel) April 9, 2018
Forget about a stiff upper one, theres just nothing there at all.
Look at those retweets. And those likes! This is one preconception that isnt going to go away any time soon.
Okay Ive always been insecure about having small lips but maybe none of us brits have lips
Alyssa (@nataliadyertho) April 10, 2018
All of them together definitely equals at least one lip
my uhh (@wakanyeosidae) April 11, 2018
Yea, a top lip maybe pic.twitter.com/H1FCl1Lmjz
GlitterGlam (@lil_missexiij) April 11, 2018
Whole lotta forehead tho pic.twitter.com/7pn23UnkpA
Hello bitch lasagna (@LeauxMein)...
It has been revealed that Home Secretary Amber Rudd has access to an undefined number of additional policemen and women, available to be deployed as and when required. It is understood that these officers are employed to sit around doing nothing until a law and order crisis develops that causes the Government to announce that there will be Extra Police Officers On The Street.
In order to perform to the required standards, these extra police officers cannot be from the same forces that are already stretched due to dwindling numbers, hence the secret stockpile. Nor can they be under the control of Police and Crime Commissioners because that might make some people think PCCs actually do something.
It is claimed that these Extra Police Officers On The Streets may be the same set of police staff that are deployed to perform breathalyser tests during the month of December before disappearing into the shadows again as soon as the New Years Eve celebrations are over.
DALLAS Ricardo the Scuzz Garza tripled his net worth last night when he found a half of a pack of cigarettes on a venue floor, financial reports confirmed.
I didnt set out to invest in this half-pack of cigarettes when I went to see Annihilated Authority I was just looking for my left shoe in the pit, said Garza, whose net worth before his remarkable find consisted of a random assortment of foreign coins and a half-eaten burrito. But, as an investor, youve always got to be ready to spring on a huge chance like this. I am getting close to retirement age so this couldnt have come at a better time.
Financial analysts, like Valerie Rawls, were impressed by Garzas know-how.
After the great safety pin crash of 16, everyone is on the lookout for the next big investment opportunity and cigarettes might be exactly that. Theyre already huge in prisons. They could become a defacto currency for punks as well, said Rawls. Its been a rough stretch for punks looking to diversify. Lawmakers passed a devastating new tariff on goods sold at merch tables, and with yet another quarter ending with losses for the patch market, many are doubting it will ever recover.
Meanwhile, Garza is already seeing massive returns on his initial investment.
Lets face it: this half-empty pack of cigarettes many of which are broken nearly in half isnt recession-proof. Ive traded some of this initial investment for mostly full cans of beer with minimal backwash, and some weed, said Garza. I also have a meeting with some of the high-rollers in the drink ticket market early next week that could be quite fruitful.
Many within the punk community applauded Garzas business savvy.
Hes a true inspiration, said Garzas friend and fellow crust punk James Warts Worley. I think were going to see a new economic era for punks because of Scuzzs revolutionary investment portfoli...
A chap called Tom Wilkinson was visiting the Imperial War Museum when this bright orange escape suit caught his eye.
Except it wasnt the suit that prompted him to share it on Twitter, it was the explanation next to it.
Tom Wilkinson (@tommywilkinson) April 10, 2018
And in case its tricky to read
In 1980 Britain announced that it would replace its ageing stock of Polaris missiles with the American Trident system.
In 2014 the Royal navy were operating four nuclear submarines armed with Trident II D-5 ballistic missiles. This force makes up Britains independent nuclear deterrent.
This bright orange escape suit was designed to help crew members to escape if a Trident submarine sank. It was left behind in a pub in Barrow-in-Furness after a fancy dress party.
Excellent. All museum captions should explain provenance.
Acquired during Imperial rule
Left in a pub
Purchased at dodgy fine art auction, no questions
Terry OConnor (@osteoconnor) April 11, 2018
Haha, I was smiling at that in the @I_W_M just yesterday. Essential detail.
Alastair Cameron (@HappyBritScot)...
The day appeared to take a turn for the worse after Donald Trump took to Twitter to warn off Russia over an imminent US missile strike on Syria.
Russia vows to shoot down any and all missiles fired at Syria. Get ready Russia, because they will be coming, nice and new and smart! You shouldnt be partners with a Gas Killing Animal who kills his people and enjoys it!
Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 11, 2018
Here are 11 responses which may or may not make you feel better about the whole thing. Happy Wednesday, everybody!
I studied international relations for a bit at uni, and there was nothing in there about the leader of a superpower waking up and calling someone a Gas Killing Animal while watching Fox News. https://t.co/vlsSNABiEw
Patrick Smith (@psmith) April 11, 2018
Hope Putins not got Twitter.
Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) April 11, 2018
Future historians will regard our era as a comedy; assuming anyone is there to look back. https://t.co/vQabkbInve
barney farmer (@barneyfarmer) April 11, 2018
Well, its been nice knowing you guys. https://t.co/yHHnkUWRNk
Alistair Coleman (@alistaircoleman) April 11, 2018
Remember when the most stressful news breaking on Twitter was Stephen Fry getting trapped in a lift.
Jamie Ross (@Ja...
Im so tired of hearing people say that professional wrestling is fake. These men and women put their blood, sweat, and steroids into this profession. It seems like every week a different wrestler is out with an injury, or worse. So for you naysayers out there, my question is this: if wrestlings fake, why are so many of them dead?
Macho Man, Chyna, Eddie Guerrero what do these people have in common? Huge biceps, and theyre all dead as shit. Christ, they even had a dude die IN THE RING once. Theres no way that would happen if wrestling was fake.
You constantly hear stories of these athletes attaining injuries during televised matches, and more often than not they FINISH the match with a gnarly fucking injury. Triple H blew his quad and finished the fucking match. Before that he kidnapped and married the CEOs daughter. Whats so fake about that? Jesus, one time I saw Mankind lose his shitkicking ear!
Hell, even some of the ladies are dead. Sensational Sherri? Boom, gone. Mae Young? Fucking gone. Even some of the announcers are dead! Bobby Heenan died way after he even worked there! Now, thats dedication. If wrestling is so fake where did The Brain go, huh??
Look at the Ultimate Warrior for Flairs sake. He went from wishing a painful, cancerous death on Bobby Heenan, to talking shit about Hurricane Katrina victims and MLK. If the life of being a pro wrestler isnt what made that guy go absolutely fucking batshit, then what did?!
I hope you cynics now recognize how silly you were. This is obvious, people! Theres nothing FAKE about wrestling. Look at Chris Benoit he killed his family and himself with wrestling moves and a weight machine. What could possibly more real than that?!
Article by Taylor De La Ossa @tayfabe_
Wanna support The Hard Times? Buy one of our t-shirts!
Cambridge Analytica, the company at the heart of the Facebook data scandal, is unhappy with some of the coverage its been receiving in newspapers and on television.
So unhappy that it sent out this legal warning of sorts to anyone who was interested.
We have instructed our lawyers to send letters to news media who have been covering this story, advising them not to repeat false and unfounded allegations as fact.
Cambridge Analytica (@CamAnalytica) April 10, 2018
And the replies are very satisfactory indeed. Here are our 11 favourites.
Are you saying someone has done something you dont like with the data theyve gathered about you? https://t.co/PztDIqJQ3g
James Felton (@JimMFelton) April 11, 2018
James Doyle (@priusjames) April 10, 2018
repeating false and unfounded allegations through the news media isnt that the cornerstone of the Cambridge Analytica disinformation campaign that you were once so proud of? Worried that readers will be influenced by words that arise outside of your propaganda loop?
Farewell Trustees (@Farewell4now) April 10, 2018
Heres the UKs ambassador to the United Nations, Karen Pierce, giving the pesky Russkies both barrels over the Salisbury chemical attack.
UK Amb. to the UN, @KarenPierceUN:
With respect to Karl #Marx, I think he must be turning in his grave to see what has become of his country in its defense of the use of chemical weapons against the innocent.
Charles Lister (@Charles_Lister) April 10, 2018
Go, Karen! Except, er, well, heres what everyone subsequently pointed out online.
Newly elected for a third consecutive term, Hungarian Prime Minister, Viktor Orban, has challenged George Evra to leave it all: his house in Budapest; his beautiful Castillo; and his many artefacts. (The list goes on).
A court order, issued today, also directs the solo artist to reveal the whereabouts of his hidden treasure chest.
Orban`s Fidesz party, recently dismissed accusations of right-wing, nationalist electioneering, and Islamophobia, on the basis that, some of our best friends have phobias.
Similarly, the party emphatically denies any anti-migrant agenda towards the musician who, they claim, would be happy to lose it all. As a goodwill gesture they are also prepared to allow Ezra to retain his golden grand piano. Citing the instrument as tainted by flawed and erroneous symbolism, contrary to Hungarian tradition.
A Party delegate stated: Ebony and Ivory was never a good mix. Despite what Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney claim.
Currently, Ezra has maintained a stoic refusal to relinquish any of his assets, neglecting to remain completely faithful to the sentiment of his lyrics. Issuing a statement, via his lawyer, he said: Give me one good reason why I should make a change.
Mark Zuckerberg spent 5 hours giving evidence to Congress about Facebook and here are the only 16 responses you need.
That face when you just wanted a faster way to rank girls by looks and ended up installing a fascist government in the most powerful country on earth pic.twitter.com/VEaQjz9Z6s
Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) April 10, 2018
"don't forget to drink the water, humans like water" pic.twitter.com/RyhWE74Sl4
(@BravingRuin) April 10, 2018
Youre in a desert. Walking along in the sand
Is this the test now
Yes, youre in a desert walking along the sand when all of a sudden you see a tortoise
Whats a tortoise? pic.twitter.com/WBZaKt0MV4
TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) April 10, 2018
Todays questioning of Zuckerberg has been the ultimate indication of Donald Rumsfelds unknown unknowns. His questioners have no idea just how clueless most of their enquiries were.
James Ball (@jamesrbuk) April 10, 2018
Mr. Zuckerberg, a magazine i recently opened came with a floppy disk offering me 30 free hours of something called America On-Line. Is that the same as Facebook? pic.twitter.com/U7pqpUhEhQ
Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) April 10, 2018
So hard to get privacy these days....
Collective amnesia? Never heard of it. What does it actually mean? was the response from a spokesperson from Surrey Police on their members inability to remember high profile offences. Its a rare condition, whose medical name is Amnesia Constabularia, and for which there is no cure.
Its now understood to have broken out in the Metropolitan Police as well, with a Met spokesperson confessing that the London force cant remember what institutional racism is. It does sound nasty, and well catch the people responsible, if this thing.. institutional something-or-other . turns out to be a crime. Once we remember the password to our PCs then well look it up on Wikipedia, and get back to you.
Its understood senior police officers have now collectively forgotten Hillsborough, the Miners Strike, the telephone number of the Sunday Times and the correct use of a truncheon.
In some cases, undercover officers are struck with the illness while embedded with dangerous environmentalists. They totally forget they are police officers, sleep with activists and in some cases have their children and even eat live yoghurt. When their official minders remind them they are police officers and not a violent terrorist threat to the fabric of society, they are understandably traumatised and approach the Guardians Mariella Frostrup for help.
At a conference organised by the Police Federation, officials asked for understanding about the condition. Policing is a demanding stressful occupation, with risks attached to maintaining a constant vigilance. Its our duty to, er uphold the, erm, rule ofsomething. Law! Thats it! Uphold the rule of law! So we want to make clear, in answer to your..would you mind asking the question again? I cant quite remember what it is. But if it does involve something that happened more than a week ago, Ill have to write it down. If I can remember where I put my, er
Forget about Liverpool beating Manchester City, or Romas remarkable comeback against Barcelona. This is the only football match that matters right now
The club would like to apologise to our fans that travelled to Hendon before the game was postponed yesterday.
There is no hiding from the fact that our team bus travelled to Hundon, 70 miles from our actual destination. The club stresses that this will not happen again. #SFC
Sywell Football Club (@SywellFC) April 8, 2018
Unless you ever actually have a game in Hundon.
Irish Dave (@iamirishdave) April 10, 2018
That would be even more unfortunate.
Sywell Football Club (@SywellFC) April 10, 2018
Probably end up in Hendon then lmao
Ryan Palmer (@RyanPalmer180) April 10, 2018
I lived in Hundon as a little kid, just a tiny village. 1974-1985. Im sitting here in Denver Colorado reading this, gotta love love modern technology..or maybe not as i guess the bus driver couldn't work his GPS hahaa.
Jay (@jaydischord) April 10, 2018
After being strongly advised by his mother that a hoodie and jeans would not cut it today, a Californian teen today arrived in court today wearing a slightly ill-fitting suit borrowed from his dad.
The teen who had never worn a suit before looked slightly uncomfortable as he buttoned and then unbuttoned the suit jacket and fiddled with the safety pins his mother had used to shorten the trouser legs.
The boy was careful not to touch his tie which was slightly askew acutely aware that he would not know how to re-tie it should it come undone.
Luckily his hair was neat cut by his mother the night before using a bowl.
Heres the BBCs sports presenter Mike Bushell interviewing some of the nations triumphant swimmers at the Commonwealth Games in Australia.
They decided to chat in a swimming pool makes total sense and thank goodness they did, because this happened.
Richard Main (@RPMain) April 11, 2018
To be filed under it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I turned on the TV and half a minute later this happened. THIS is how you help the nation wake up. Give us the news that world is a mess and then have one of your reporters fall in the pool to cheer us all up.
Kell (@Eirlys87) April 11, 2018
Famous last words i need to be careful not to get this equipment wet #bbcbreakfast
ekaskcufrof (@ekaskcufroF) April 11, 2018
Brilliant!! No risk assessment there then!! Well done @mikebreakfast great recovery and true professional
Char (@LaytonCharlotte) April 11, 2018
KENT REGINALD | Scandals | CONTACT A local 24 year old woman is freaking the fuck out right now after discovering that she is now the same age as Rachel Green was when beloved sitcom Friends first started in 1994. Belinda Toomes, an artisanal blogger from Betootas eastern suburbs, was rewatching the iconic series on Stan this weekend when 
The post 24-Year-Old Has Existential Crisis After Learning Rachel Was The Same Age In Friends appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
LEROY PERCIVAL | Editor | CONTACT A local muso who has spent the last eight years trying to get one of his tracks in the hands of the dystopian Richard Kingsmill, says hes stands by his personal mission statement to never bow down to the man. Proudly telling everyone he knows that hell never be part of the status 
The post Local Muso Who Has Spent Lifetime Trying To Get On Triple J Aint Bowing Down For No One appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
Sure this unseasonal Autumn heat wave is just one more harbinger of the rapidly developing ecological crisis that could see average temperatures hit the safe limit of 1.5 degrees, admitted Michelle Green, a Sydney-based CSIRO scientist specialising in climate change research of the unseasonably hot spell hitting Australias eastern states. But it really does make a welcome break from how dreary some of those mid-April days could be when Autumn was still a thing.
Lounging on a beach towel at Bondi Beach today, Ms Green confided to The (un)Australian that she had spent the past months working on bloody depressing research into temperatures in the Arctic, which have been between 10-20C above average in recent months, and so was desperate for a relaxing day off.
This is just perfect, exactly what I needed to take my mind off the increasingly unavoidable evidence weve possibly irreversibly crossed key boundaries of a safe climate while governments just push ahead facilitating new fossil fuel projects dooming humanity to an ever-worsening ecological disaster.
Whod have thought Id get a new chance to bust out the bikini this late into Autumn, huh?
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Latest numbers provided by RP Data indicates that the annualised growth rate in Sydney and Melbourne now exceeds 13 per cent, while Brisbane prices have risen on average by just over 7 per cent. With thousands of homebuyers looking to move into both the NSW and Victorian capitals, Brisbane looks to be heading to a 
The post Brisbane Tackles Oversupply Of High-Rise Units With Revolutionary New Low-Rise Units appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
The full discussion is here, in a brand new episode of Hate Radio, from chronicle.su, brought to you incredibly by Lebal Drocer Incorporated. In the episode, editors kilgoar and hatesec pinpoint the moment Assange took Wikileaks down its dark path.http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/2018-04-11.mp3
After the recording of the latest Internet Chronicle bombshell podcast, Rustle League successfully DoS attacked Julians personal Twitter account, disabling it permanently.
Julian Assange can maintain this claim that hes totally impartial and hes just publishing whatever he gets his hands on and, on the other hand all the promotion of it is done to put the magnifying glass on, say, Hillary Clinton, for example, or various government figures that are representatives of the neoliberal world order that Julian Assange wants to destroy.
kilgoar, moments after reading a DM sent by carrier pigeon from Julian Assange himself, who sadly believed he was talking to Sean Hannity
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, from the Lebal Drocer University Department of Mass Communications, said he noticed Julians mission and worldview appeared cleverly opportunistic, which proved exploitable for the benefit of the college professors own ambition to someday go in on a chain of Chic-Fil-As in beautiful downtown Aleppo. Thats when he and his team began their research in 2011.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian youth and streetwear retailers have confirmed that theyve seen a 900% increase in sales of late-2000s bright coloured v-neck t-shirts since the 2018 Splendour In The Grass Line Up was announced early this morning. A spokesperson from the popular fashion outlet General Pants says the company has had to make several runs 
The post Australia Sees Boost In Sales Of Late-2000s Fluro V-Necks As MGMT Headlines Splendour appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Advocate can reveal this afternoon that Chinese leader, Xi Jinping, has told some of his closest advisors that hes now reconsidering the plan to build a military base on the tiny South Pacific nation of Vanuatu after Malcolm Turnbull voiced his concern. The Prime Ministers concerns were echoed by his Kiwi 
The post Stern But Polite Phonecall From Malcolm Has Xi Jinping Reconsidering Vanuatu Military Base appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
SAN FRANCISCO In a move sure to delight longtime fans of the mobile game, Niantic announced that it would be adding twenty-three new players to Pokmon Go.
We are proud of all the hard work and long hours our team put it to make this herculean task a reality, Niantic CEO John Hanke triumphantly said before an assembly of one napping journalist. Whether it was begging friends and family to reinstall the game, or having employees sneak into AT&T stores and downloading the game on unopened phones, we finally achieved our goal.
Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:
The company promised that the twenty-three brand new users would be a boon to the current player base who have stuck with the game since the beginning.
Now when our players are asked by their loved ones why they are still playing that game the rest of the world got tired of years ago, there is a chance one of these new players will overhear and go Hey, theres actually a pretty dedicated community and its still glitchy but not as glitchy anymore, before scurrying off, stated Dennis Hwang, the lead designer of the game.
Did we squander the greatest opportunity to ever befall our company? Not quite! Hwang added, pointing to a chart of active Pokmon Go users and excitedly showing off the recent twenty-three player bump.
After the update was released live, Niantic servers were overloaded and crashed when two players attempted to catch pokmon within the same park.
Article by Mike Amory...
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Australian cricket captain and currently unemployed Twitter enthusiast, Michael Clarke, has formally let the Cricket Australia selection committee know that hes prepared and ready to once again cause several rifts between teammates and be injured for months on end for the national team. Pup, who retired from International cricket three years ago 
The post Clarke Lets Selectors Know Hes Ready To Be An Injured And Divisive Show Pony Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The former Premier of New South Wales looked up in the sky last night and asked God why he does the things he does. Caught short at his local, the Lake Street Liquor Supply in Sydneys north, Mike Baird cursed himself for being the architect behind the Puritan laws 
The post Mike Baird Curses Himself After Trying To Get A Bottle Of Red After Midnight Mass appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recently-but-not-so-recently unemployed man is making drastic moves to avoid watching Ellen on television today, and instead, he is stretching out phone calls with his mates working 9-5. While his mates act polite and try their best to not be distracted by their jobs, Jim Peterson (28) wants to know what else happened 
Frustrated with the legacy of police cuts, the failure of stop and politely enquire and with Mayor Khan apparently hiding under his desk, Home Secretary Amber Rudd has taken the knife crime epidemic into her own hands.
There are two ways to tackle this, she rasped. One way is to promote training in parenting skills, set up youth clubs and establish a culture of aspiration for deprived youth using a network of community mentors. The other is to pre-empt the fuckers by squeezing them till their eyeballs burst. I choose the latter.
Our reporter accompanied the self-styled Ambo on a patrol of Tottenham in the early hours. Spotting four youths chatting by a burger van, Ambo lost no time in forestalling any criminal future on their part by laying them out with a baseball bat. Bag em and tag em, bitch she cried, before sprinting across the road to intercept a young girl alighting from a minicab.
Snarling Your move, creep, she dispatched the teen with a spinning heel kick. Our reporter witnessed four further hours of relentless combat before retiring, dazed. Ambo was still going strong, wild-eyed, her knuckles raw, the morning dew joining the pearls of perspiration on the hair of her upper lip.
Two weeks later and Ambos daily patrols have brought an eerie calm to night-time London. The streets are empty, the hospitals full. The under twenties cower at home. We ask Ambo for a motivational message for the capitals youth. She responds Im your worst nightmare. Stay out of trouble. Choose your future. Choose no knife.
Former Prime Minister and lycra afficianado Tony Abbott has announced today that he will challenge the current Commenwealth games cycling team to a race.
I believe most Australians think that it is time that this team of cyclists face up to a real challenge, said the former Prime Minister. We have had to watch them compete for over 30 negative newspolls, I mean 30 cycling events and they have not achieved nearly half as much as I have with my team.
I promise the Australian people that should I and my very close cycling buddy Kevin Andrews have the numbers over these cyclists that we will make Australia great again.
We will put our pedal to the metal or in this case coal and lead us back to the halycon days of 2014.
Cycling Australia did not respond to Mr Abbotts challenge, despite the various editorials from Alan Jones, Andrew Bolt and Ray Hadley for them to do so.
You can check out our new show Decennium Horribilius at this years Sydney Comedy Festival. Hosted by The (un)Australian, the quiz show features teams of some of Sydneys best comics trying to answer que...
Tweet TowerWith crisis comes opportunity and with Trump comes enough crises to employee an estimated 1.1 million crisis acting Americans (CAA). The White House is downplaying the negative implications of this aspect of the jobs report and instead remains focused on the overall low unemployment figures. Critics are pointing to the fact that endless acute situations, which only create temporary
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