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Wednesday, 13 September

21:30

Todays celebrity thing Harrison Ford explaining how he came to hit Ryan Gosling "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Harrison Ford was asked by GQ magazine how he came to punch Ryan Gosling during the filming of the Blade Runner sequel.

His answer quickly went viral on Twitter. We love you Harrison.

And just in case thats tricky to read

I punched Ryan Gosling in the face. Ryan Goslings face was where it should not have been.

His job was to be out of the range of the punch. My job was also to make sure that I pulled the punch. But we were moving, and the camera was moving, so I had to be aware of the angle to the camera to make the punch look good. You know, I threw about a hundred punches in the shooting of it and I only hit him once.

[So he should be grateful?]

I have pointed that out Its 90% his fault.

[That is very]

generous of me.

[He said you went to his dressing room with a bottle of scotch, poured him a glass then walked out with the bottle?]

I did. What did he fucking expect the whole bottle? You know, I figured one drink would fix it. That was enough.

[Ford said Gosling was fun to work with]

I like him a lot. Hes a smart guy. I mean, hes a fucking Mouseketeer hes been doing this since he was 6 years old or something.

18:44

President Harvey Wall-Bugger And The Rest Of The Meteorologically Impaired "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

While we should all be very proud of the individual efforts of Texans during the aftermath of Harvey, lets not let this impressive local chutzpah distract us from the key takeaway points. Wait, Im being told the Keys have already been taken away by Irma. In 2017, we remain woefully unprepared for future meteorological events, which can mostly

18:36

Study suggests if we just ignore her, then she might go away "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Thinktank suggests strategy for dealing with Hillary Clinton.

18:00

Metalcore Band Could Become SoundCloud Rappers at Any Moment "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CINCINNATI Metalcore stalwarts Agony of Death are closing in on a band agreement that could lead to their first foray into SoundCloud rap, according to sources close to the quartet.

Lead singer Hardwin Tito first hinted at the possible change this past Friday.

Internet rap could be a solid next step for the band. Ive seen some YouTube videos, and I think Im ready to completely change my entire identity, said Tito. SoundCloud really seems to be where the music of the future will live.

Weve toured southwestern Ohio relentlessly for the past 14 years, added drummer Darren Boston. Our fan base just never really got off the ground, for whatever reason.

The band noted the lukewarm reception to their last three albums as the major reason for their reinvention, but some members are reportedly skeptical.

Obviously, Im excited to get a face tattoo, dont get me wrong. But I really cant see myself sipping sizzurp, said guitarist Marcus McConnell. Tito goes through these phases. That vaporwave phase was particularly annoying, but so was the glitch art tumblr.

Many SoundCloud artists weighed in on the bands decision, including notable n-metal DJ, DJ Joe Pesci.

Related:

Listen, I quit my band in 2015 to do SoundCloud full-time, and it was the best decision I ever made, said Pesci. I make over $90 per month through SoundCloud. The best part is, I get to record all my music in my new studio the guest bedroom of my aunts house.

Im excited for the new direction, said Tito. Im very serious about rapping and gaining clout within my new scene. Ive been following underground rap for a while PO$TMANE, Xanmanda Bynes, XXXorcism, or anyone from Knife Boi Squad. I like Lil House Phone a lot, too. If you like them, follow $$BankrollBoyz$$ on Instagram.

The forward-thinking band allegedly did consider other options to gain the large following they desire.

It was either this or become Ch...

16:55

Thought for the day on Roald Dahl Day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Probably for the best he never saw Twitter.

Source

The post Thought for the day on Roald Dahl Day appeared first on The Poke.

16:41

Which type of Brexiteer are you? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Twitter @TechnicallyRon has come up with a handy guide to identifying different types of Brexiteer. And its right on the button as ever.

Not only that, @TechnicallyRon is offering a personal diagnosis to anyone who gets in touch (not that theyre appreciating it that much).

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16:00

Parents withdraw son from school because some children have a different name "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Parents of a child who is a school with other children who are clearly not called Callum have withdrawn their child from education. Speaking to the press this morning, Mr and Mrs Price of Hampshire say Callum came home asking why other children had a names other than Callum.

Mr Price said:  When I couldnt answer that question I realised my chances of explaining verbs and nouns or helping with science homework were zero, so weve called it a day with education. We will keep him at him at home with some Lego and alphabet spaghetti that spells out his name.

Mr and Mrs Price belong to a religion that only recognises the name Callum and have both changed their names to Callum by deed poll. They feel their religious freedom is being infringed by people not all doing exactly as they want and changing their names to Callum. The vicar at their church Reverend Callum French says this sort of discrimination is becoming more widespread.

People seem to think that their modern ideas of different names for different people are somehow progressive and that it helps people express their true selves more easily, but if everyone isnt called Callum, how confusing is that to a child? No one seems to be thinking about the children called Callum here do they?

The Church of Callum is now helping the Price family to take the local education authority to court, however so far they have been unsuccessful in finding a solicitor named Callum.

 

Lloydie

14:35

iPhone X say hello to the future "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Apple have revealed the iPhone X heres a quick rundown of some of the exciting new features!

Dont get left behind here are 10 incredible new software updates for the iPhone.

The post iPhone X say hello to the future appeared first on The Poke.

14:03

16 times Great British Bake Off was the filthiest show on TV "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So this is what happens if you take a whole bunch of screen grabs from the Great British Bake Off complete with subtitles and look at them entirely out of context. Lovely stuff.

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13:24

Our 16 favourite Donald Trump magazine covers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Say what you like about Donald Trump please but hes been a gift to people who design magazine covers. Like these.

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13:00

High winds wreak havoc with Home Counties Bridge party "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Winds strong enough to blow an umbrella inside-out have been battering the Home Counties overnight. Reports have been coming in of amazing acts of bravery and endurance from residents across the region as they battle to survive the elements.

Emergency services remain on red alert to help residents in what threatens to be yet another long day and night of abject misery for rescue crews.

A couple in Hazlemere were forced to cancel a bridge party with the people across the road, while a man in Arundel decided against walking the dog after his hat nearly blew off. A family from Guildford had to cancel their usual Tuesday night trip to McDonalds and were forced to send out for pizza instead.

A pane of glass from a greenhouse in Ruislip is said to have smashed into a thousand pieces while owners looked on, helpless against the sheer force of Mother Nature. Residents in Sittingbourne have criticised the government for not doing enough to protect their property, claiming high winds could affect their house prices.

A lady in Godalming phoned police to say a crisp packet had blown into her garden and wanted to know when a squad car would be sent round to deal with it.
Unconfirmed reports say an aeriel on one bungalow was said to be visibly shaking in the wind, while one family further down the road were forced to pick up their recycling bin after a strong gust knocked it over. Luckily, collection day was yesterday, the bin-owner revealed. There but for the grace of God go

12:06

Tearful man can barely look at his shitty, year-old iPhone 7 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man from London can barely bring himself to touch his disgusting less-than-a-year old iPhone 7, with its crappy camera and pathetic processing power that seems to mock him with every email he receives.

disgusting_iphone5s

Now the iPhone X has been announced feels like Im walking around with a big lump of shit in my pocket, wept the man, who can barely bring himself to look at the expensive phone he bought less than a year ago, let alone touch it.

You wouldnt hold a turd next to your face in polite society and thats how it feels when I answer a call on this crappy, outdated iPhone 7, he added.

Jesus, I feel sick just saying the name out loud. I imagine all my iPhone X owning friends will ridicule me for not spending a grand on a phone that can do animated emojis.

I might as well throw it down the toilet instead of facing the heavy burden of using this outdated pile of shit.

The post Tearful man can barely look at his shitty, year-old iPhone 7 appeared first on The Poke.

Tearful man can barely look at his shitty, year-old iPhone 7 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man from London can barely bring himself to touch his disgusting less-than-a-year old iPhone 7, with its crappy camera and pathetic processing power that seems to mock him with every email he receives.

disgusting_iphone5s

Now the iPhone X has been announced feels like Im walking around with a big lump of shit in my pocket, wept the man, who can barely bring himself to look at the expensive phone he bought less than a year ago, let alone touch it.

You wouldnt hold a turd next to your face in polite society and thats how it feels when I answer a call on this crappy, outdated iPhone 7, he added.

Jesus, I feel sick just saying the name out loud. I imagine all my iPhone X owning friends will ridicule me for not spending a grand on a phone that can do animated emojis.

I might as well throw it down the toilet instead of facing the heavy burden of using this outdated pile of shit.

The post Tearful man can barely look at his shitty, year-old iPhone 7 appeared first on The Poke.

12:01

An Open Letter to Someone I Should Have Expressed These Opinions to in Private "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Dear You Know Who You Are,

 I have something I need to get off my chest. I am writing you today because you need to know how I feel about the situation at hand. In addition to this, the general public also needs to know how I feel about this particular situation. I want every man, woman, and child surfing the internet in their sweat pants at 2 a.m. to know exactly how I feel and exactly what you did.

I will start this letter by letting you (and everyone else) know how much I love and admire you. I have for years. I have supported you time after time even when others told me not too. I need everyone to know I have always been in your corner. I want to make it perfectly clear that I have defended you in the past because I can defend you no longer and  Im about to spend the rest of this letter shitting on you and letting everyone know what a piece of shit you are.

I am not a heartless monster. You have pushed me to my limits and therefore pushed me to this very public confrontation that is certain to destroy your reputation forever.

Youve offended me, maybe what you did seemed small to you at the time but it was a big deal. And Im about to make what you did an even bigger deal. Because I am about to make your actions less about you, and more about a grand social issue. I would argue it is the single biggest issue of our time. What you did was inexcusable and it needs to be addressed, now. Or we are all doomed.

Related: You Need to Stop Using the Word Dumb, Its Offensive to Absolute Fucking Morons

Yes, this could have been a short 10-minute discussion just between us. But Im not trying to express these thoughts just to you. I am trying to start a wider dialog. Something think pieces will be published about, something that will go viral and will get me tons of positive and you tons of negative attention. Hopefully, someone will read this open letter and write an additional open letter back to me, creating more discussion around this massive and complicated issue. 

Despite this very long and very public accusation, I love you. This letter was not created to berate you personally. It was to he...

12:00

Roadie Lives Out Lifelong Dream of Tuning Guitar in Front of Sold Out Show "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TOLEDO, Ohio Veteran roadie Rick Bedford lived out his lifelong dream last week of tuning a guitar in front of a sold out audience of rabid fans, sources confirmed.

I do this for myself, said Bedford shortly after leaving the stage. I started setting up gear alone in my garage, just for kicks Id tune a guitar at a basement show for a friends birthday here and there, but nothing big. After a lot of hard work, I finally got the opportunity to do what I love, in front of thousands of patiently waiting fans.

Due to a novice soundboard operator and an untimely tuner malfunction, Bedford reportedly got off to a shaky start, but the pitch-perfect veteran maintained his composure on the big stage.

Ive always been anxious, but tonight was especially nerve-wracking. A couple wisecrackers yelled, Freebird! That always throws me off my game, but instead of losing my cool, I slipped into a quick Pearl Jam riff, said Bedford. I heard one dude in the crowd yell, Woo! The joy that brought him reminded me why I do this.

Fans noted Bedfords diverse musical taste throughout the 10-minute sound check.

Related:

Normally, a roadie will just use a pedal tuner, and the audience never gets to really see a glimpse into his musical background, said attendee Maria Sherman. But he tuned one guitar and hit the audience with a Slayer riff, and totally mixed it up with the next guitar and a lick from Guns N Roses.

Before exiting the stage, Bedford used the mic check to announce he would be releasing his first album, Slow Dancing In A Burning Tune, early next year. The album will reportedly consist of the opening riffs of 37 John Mayer songs.

Visit our online merch table right now: 

11:31

Your 11-point guide to Apples new iPhone(s) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Apple has unveiled details of the iPhone 8 and something called the iPhone X. The X stands for expensive it costs 1,149.

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Your 11-point guide to Apples new iPhone(s) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Apple has unveiled details of the iPhone 8 and something called the iPhone X. The X stands for expensive it costs 1,149.

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11:00

Government vows to recapture information "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Householders have been warned to stay indoors and keep away from the internet by government experts worried about the dangers of information. Considerable amounts of information have escaped since the Freedom of Information Act came into law and much of it is potentially hazardous to the general public.

It isnt always safe to let information roam free, said a Home Office spokesman. The British people havent really developed much of an immune system where government information is concerned. This sort of thing may work in America, which has been governed by oiks for centuries, but the British have always shown proper deference.

Under the Act, government departments have only 20 days to fail to answer questions from taxpayers or to misunderstand the question and answer a different one instead. If they fail to meet the deadline they can be asked to look into their processes and in extreme cases apologise.

The first casualty of the truth is me, said Health Minister Jeremy Hunt. Suppose Ive opened a new hospital somewhere and on the same day my department has made a monumental balls-up of something. Which story do you think well be asked about? Now factor in a requirement to tell people the truth. Ordinary people cant handle the truth, theyd spontaneously combust. Were talking about the audience of Strictly and X Factor, you might as well speak truth to a chimp.

Information, Hunt added, is rather like the grey squirrel. All too many people thought they were cute until they started replacing British red squirrels by giving them a deadly virus. The British way of life is a precious red squirrel, the Freedom of Information Act is a virus, or possibly a grey squirrel, and secrecy is a fence between the squirrels. We need to keep the fence intact.

Why, Hunt asked, do government departments have mottos in Latin? Because nobody speaks Latin any more. Likwise in Ancient Rome, they used Greek. The Greeks presumably used something even older and less comprehensible Welsh, probably. Once ordinary people start questioning us about the mundane stuff it wont be long before our extraterrestrial lizard overlords are common knowledge and then . . . oh, bugger.

08:53

Want to feel old? This is what the Teletubbies look like now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Magic of TV, innit?

Source

The post Want to feel old? This is what the Teletubbies look like now appeared first on The Poke.

Want to feel old? This is what the Teletubbies look like now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Magic of TV, innit?

Source

The post Want to feel old? This is what the Teletubbies look like now appeared first on The Poke.

08:03

Mayo now outsells ketchup and this could be the last straw, frankly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As if the world wasnt weird enough already, this happens.

The only Mayo that doesnt make us want to heave is the one on Radio 2. Maybe Im just old-fashioned. Is it time for a referendum?

...

Mayo now outsells ketchup and this could be the last straw, frankly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As if the world wasnt weird enough already, this happens.

The only Mayo that doesnt make us want to heave is the one on Radio 2. Maybe Im just old-fashioned. Is it time for a referendum?

...

07:44

Suddenly our morning coffee feels just a little bit ordinary "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This 3D latte art is just amazing.

The Reissue cafe in Japan has a latte artist who can top your coffee with an edible picture based on any photo you like.

And we really do mean any.

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Suddenly our morning coffee feels just a little bit ordinary "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This 3D latte art is just amazing.

The Reissue cafe in Japan has a latte artist who can top your coffee with an edible picture based on any photo you like.

And we really do mean any.

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07:00

Most unfortunate shaped hairline youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Remind you of anything?

We cant speak Italian, but we have a hunch we know what theyre saying.

Yep, thought so.

https://twitter.com/360Sources/status/906905768246554624

Probably one trophy he wasnt keen on winning.

The chap with the unfortunate hairline is Genoa striker Goran Pandev. Just in case you still dont get it

Yes, yes it is.

Source

The post Most unfortunate shaped hairline youll see this week appeared first on The Poke.

Most unfortunate shaped hairline youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Remind you of anything?

We cant speak Italian, but we have a hunch we know what theyre saying.

Yep, thought so.

https://twitter.com/360Sources/status/906905768246554624

Probably one trophy he wasnt keen on winning.

The chap with the unfortunate hairline is Genoa striker Goran Pandev. Just in case you still dont get it

Yes, yes it is.

Source

The post Most unfortunate shaped hairline youll see this week appeared first on The Poke.

05:28

Make houses cheaper! says Millennial that just preordered a $1829 iPhone "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local agency person has lashed out at everyone, including homeowners, for making houses so unaffordable for young people despite spending nearly $2000 on a new mobile phone this morning. Damien Longhurst works at a boutique, bespoke and creative agency in Betootas Old City district. He does something []

The post Make houses cheaper! says Millennial that just preordered a $1829 iPhone appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:09

Study: 10 Out Of 10 People Check Themselves Out In Lifts When Riding Alone "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

DYLAN FEINGOLD | Arts | Contact A special report commissioned by Australias peak scientific body, the CSIRO, as concluded that everybody takes a moment to check themselves upon entering an elevator. Elevators or lifts,  as theyre known in the developed world, often allow a person a short period of time to take count of their []

The post Study: 10 Out Of 10 People Check Themselves Out In Lifts When Riding Alone appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:36

Young Woman Receives The Compulsory Uma Thurman In Pulp Fiction Haircut Upon Moving To Berlin "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Though English is her only language and she hasnt ridden a bicycle since she was seven, a spritely South Betootanese woman has taken the plunge and moved to the capital of world culture Berlin. But one thing that wasnt in the tourist brochures, that wasnt in the Lonely []

The post Young Woman Receives The Compulsory Uma Thurman In Pulp Fiction Haircut Upon Moving To Berlin appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Watford Gap Services visit leaves family in financial ruin "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A Buckinghamshire family have found themselves on the verge of destitution following a short stop over at Watford Gap Service Station on the M1.

Speaking from a community foodbank in Newport Pagnell, Sarah Smith described how she and her husband Paul, were forced to steal their kids holiday money and search under their car seats for any loose change.

After we pulled up and parked, we went straight to McDonalds and bought two Happy Meals for the kids and three Big Mac Meal Deals for us both and Pauls mum. Then we went to W H Smiths to get some bottles of pop and a few bags of crisps and a tin of barley sugars for the mother-in-law to suck on along the way.

It was then that the family realised they would not have enough fuel to get to the caravan theyd rented in Ramsgate.

To be honest Paul filled up without looking at the prices and when I saw him turning white and mouthing fuck-me at me, I realised there was something seriously wrong. He got back in the car shouting robbing bastards and asked his mom to lend him fifty quid. She told him shed spent her money at Newport Pagnell services on an oven-ready chicken and a bottle of Chardonnay in Waitrose after we stopped there for her first pee.

In desperation, the couple purloined their kids holiday spending money.

Jessica was fine about it but Jake kicked up a real fuss, its a wonder Paul didnt kill the little bastard; his nerves were so frayed. After that we turned the car inside out to make up the rest. There was a two-pounds coin wedged under the handbrake which Pauls mom eventually got out with her knitting needle.

After totalling up what theyd spent, the family realised that they didnt have enough money left to continue with their holiday plans and managed to limp back home to Newport Pagnell where they lived on baked beans and white bread for the next two weeks.

Paul did a few extra shifts at Fab-Cabs so we could get back on our feet again. Obviously, the kids were disappointed, but next year weve promised to take them to Taunton Deane Services on the M5 and after that maybe down to Gordano. Pauls mom has since died but she left us enough money in her will to make sure we havent got to rob the kids again.

00:28

Barnaby Joyce Calls For Removal Of Biased Rainbows From Sky Until Plebiscite Concludes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

rainbow

Saying they should get out of his face, Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce has called for a total ban on rainbows, at least until the same sex marriage survey is over.

I cant stand these bloody rainbows hanging around in the sky pushing their opinions on me. Ill make up my own mind, thanks very much, Mr Joyce told journalists.

It is unclear how the rainbows will be removed from the sky, although Mr Joyce said his colleague Peter Dutton was coming up with a plan to keep the colourful arches out of Australian skies.

________________________

By Daniel Brewster

00:25

Coalition Blames High Energy Prices On Edmund Bartons Government "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The government has put the blame for huge increases in electricity bills squarely into the lap of Edmund Barton and the policies pursued by the Protectionist Party when they held power between 1901 and 1903.

Australia is still suffering from Electric Eddies foolhardy scheme to sell our excess cow dung to Japan rather than set it aside to keep our slab huts warm in winter, said Malcolm Turnbull in a fiery speech. You can hardly expect us to wind back the reckless work of Barton and his beardy faced mate Henry Parkes in a mere 116 years, can you. These things take time.

Meanwhile, the NSW government has unveiled plans to increase the states baseload power capacity by closing the Powerhouse Museum and reconverting it back into a powerhouse.

The big turbine is still there and theres plenty of old dresses and other flammable shit lying around in the collection that could be put to better use than sticking it a glass display case for bored schoolkids to gawk at, said Premier Gladys Berejiklian. I say lets build a big bonfire and stoke it up with the exhibits from Office Furniture From The 1960s or whatever fricking exhibit is on at the moment and make that place finally pay its way.

Peter Green
...

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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Tuesday, 12 September

21:51

Report: Walking Into Someones Photo Is Fine As Long As You Half-Heartedly Duck "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the Australian Institute For Tourism Photography has found that the obviously unavoidable occurrence of walking in between a photographer and their subject is 100% okay, as long as you acknowledge what you are doing by half-heartedly ducking. Accidentally walking into photos has been an issue plaguing tourists and residents []

The post Report: Walking Into Someones Photo Is Fine As Long As You Half-Heartedly Duck appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

20:32

Top Seven Reasons A Zombie Apocalypse Would Be Preferable To A Trump Presidency "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For most a Zombie Apocalypse represents the apex of human fear and dread, but now, under the shadow of a Trump Presidency, many people are looking forward to one. Some groups are going so far as to actively try to trigger such an event. Dr. William Lynn told the Discord today, Were pulling out all the stops trying to create a

20:00

Opening Band Wants to Know if They Can Borrow Drummer "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LONG BEACH, Calif. Several bands were asked today to loan their drummer to punk band Rag Protein in order for them to play their set tonight, sources confirmed.

Our drummer has a $75 jazz gig at Spaghettini in Seal Beach tonight, and this show is guaranteed to lose money, said Kip Powers, the bands guitarist. Were really hoping one of the other bands is nice enough to let us use their drummer.

Chimp Party frontman Luke Mullen was one of the first people approached about lending a drummer to Rag Protein for tonights show at the Shithouse DIY venue.

Im not comfortable sharing such a valuable member of the band with a couple guys I just met, said Mullen. Were very attached to our drummer. I dont know if I could sit back and watch him rock with four other dudes. What if they yelled at him? I couldnt handle him getting damaged.

Shithouse management was quick to denounce Rag Proteins behavior.

We are the premier illegal venue running out of an abandoned strip mall in the greater Los Angeles area, and in our three months of doing shows here, we have never seen such unprofessionalism, said promoter Michael Walker. We understand if you forget some strings or some cables, but when you come and play a show here, you better have an intact rhythm section. Take this bush league crap to the Shit Shack in Loz Feliz. Its not welcome here.

Related:

Clint Jackson, drummer for headliners Non-OMG Project, was allegedly interested in sitting with Rag Protein but ultimately backed out after a meeting with his own band.

I talked with the guys, and we agreed it would not be best for us as a unit, said Jackson. Ive long believed drummers should only play in one band and dedicate themselves fully to that project, but it was worth exploring. Obviously, their drummer doesnt feel the same way, and look how thats working out for them.

As of press time, none of the other drummers have stepped in to help, despite every...

19:18

Someone cobbled together bits of Paul McCartney and its his best song for 30 years "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You dont have to be a fan of Scouse House to enjoy this. What an extraordinary labour of love this must have been, put together by @swedemason.

Dont take our verdict, listen to these guys.

Listen to a whole load more of @swedemasons stuff here.

READ MORE

Mash Up Of The Week: Imagine Vs Band On The Run

Source

The post Someone cobbled together bits of Paul McCartney and its his best song for 30 years appeared first on The Poke.

Someone cobbled together bits of Paul McCartney and its his best song for 30 years "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You dont have to be a fan of Scouse House to enjoy this. What an extraordinary labour of love this must have been, put together by @swedemason.

Dont take our verdict, listen to these guys.

Listen to a whole load more of @swedemasons stuff here.

READ MORE

Mash Up Of The Week: Imagine Vs Band On The Run

Source

The post Someone cobbled together bits of Paul McCartney and its his best song for 30 years appeared first on The Poke.

18:44

Never forget Frankie Boyles epic takedown of Richard Branson "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Richard Branson has been tweeting about his concerns for the environment in the wake of Hurricane Irma and reckons man-made climate change is to blame.

Which prompted Frankie Boyle to remind his Twitter followers of his epic put-down of the Virgin man a few years back.

In close-up.

And Boyles reply.

He wasnt the only one to make the connection.

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Never forget Frankie Boyles epic takedown of Richard Branson "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Richard Branson has been tweeting about his concerns for the environment in the wake of Hurricane Irma and reckons man-made climate change is to blame.

Which prompted Frankie Boyle to remind his Twitter followers of his epic put-down of the Virgin man a few years back.

In close-up.

And Boyles reply.

He wasnt the only one to make the connection.

...

18:27

This is right up there with the moment you realised the Beatles is a pun "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well, we never did.

Turns out that was only the start.

What?

No!

Get away.

Have we led a sheltered life?

This is right up there with the moment you realised the Beatles is a pun "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well, we never did.

Turns out that was only the start.

What?

No!

Get away.

Have we led a sheltered life?

18:03

Is it just us, or did Hurricane Irma blow Tomasz Schafernakers trousers off? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Newsnight sent everyones favourite BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafternaker, to report from Hurricane Irma. Of course it did.

But unfortunately for everyone involved, it wasnt the wind that caught our attention.

...

Is it just us, or did Hurricane Irma blow Tomasz Schafernakers trousers off? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Newsnight sent everyones favourite BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafternaker, to report from Hurricane Irma. Of course it did.

But unfortunately for everyone involved, it wasnt the wind that caught our attention.

...

17:31

Useful abbreviations for the time-pressed online reader "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This will ring true for anyone whos ever been online. So anyone then.

You can follow Tom on Twitter here and check out his books here including his newest, Baking with Kafka.

Source

The post Useful abbreviations for the time-pressed online reader appeared first on The Poke.

Useful abbreviations for the time-pressed online reader "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This will ring true for anyone whos ever been online. So anyone then.

You can follow Tom on Twitter here and check out his books here including his newest, Baking with Kafka.

Source

The post Useful abbreviations for the time-pressed online reader appeared first on The Poke.

17:00

North Korea Attempts to Launch Music Streaming Service "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON The Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea heightened global tensions last week with an attempt to launch yet another music streaming service, according to Pentagon officials.

We have confirmed North Korea has tried to enter an already crowded music streaming market, said Director of National Intelligence Daniel Coats, following a security screening of the iTunes store. At this moment, they do not appear to have the resources necessary for a viable platform. If they are successful in the future, however, it could release a new batch of artists complaining about being screwed on royalty percentages.

Eardong, the streaming service constructed from a former Soviet instant messaging program and whatever open-source code they could access, reportedly failed shortly after takeoff due to an insufficient number of paid subscriptions. After a brief, fiery launch, satellite footage showed Eardong collapsing under its own weight.

Its reckless and provocative. Its the last thing the world needs. Who do they think they are? Jay-Z? said Nikki Haley, the U.S. ambassador to the U.N. If the world doesnt intervene now, the people of North Korea may be forever locked into a sub-par streaming platform. They deserve better.

Related:

President Donald Trump responded to the news with a scolding tweet, reading, Eardong is bad! Very bad! Low quality and too many commercials. China has done nothing to help!

Indeed, many Americans are worried about the attempted launch of another streaming service, despite experts describing Eardongs technology as the equivalent of a phonograph hooked up to Skype.

What if they develop a service capable of reaching New York? Or, worse yet, Nashville? said Marie Hansen, a forensics attorney who learned of the launch via Twitter. And what about South Korea? If Psy is affected, we may not see the follow up to Gangnam Style we deserve.

The latest statement from Pyongyang predicted that Eardong would surpass Spot...

16:57

If you thought Ted Cruz liking porn was bad, youll be shocked at what these 5 UK politicians enjoy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Failed Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has been mocked for liking a 2-minute long porn video on Twitter but our own politicians have also liked some dodgy stuff

1. Theresa May

2. Jeremy Corbyn

3. Jacob Rees-Mogg

4. David Davis

5. Nicola Sturgeon

The post If you thought Ted Cruz liking porn was bad, youll be shocked at what these 5 UK politicians enjoy appeared first on The Poke.

If you thought Ted Cruz liking porn was bad, youll be shocked at what these 5 UK politicians enjoy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Failed Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has been mocked for liking a 2-minute long porn video on Twitter but our own politicians have also liked some dodgy stuff

1. Theresa May

2. Jeremy Corbyn

3. Jacob Rees-Mogg

4. David Davis

5. Nicola Sturgeon

The post If you thought Ted Cruz liking porn was bad, youll be shocked at what these 5 UK politicians enjoy appeared first on The Poke.

16:44

Forget about Brexit, its these 19 sandwich fillings that really divides the nation "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When @cutequeer97 poked fun at the nations fondness for a sandwich (were pretty sure it extends into Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland as well) he had no idea what was about to happen next.

Not just the grief that was about to be unloaded on him, but just how much we REALLY WILL put between two slices of bread. It might start off nice and conventional but get a load of where it ends up.

1.

2.

...

Forget about Brexit, its these 19 sandwich fillings that really divides the nation "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When @cutequeer97 poked fun at the nations fondness for a sandwich (were pretty sure it extends into Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland as well) he had no idea what was about to happen next.

Not just the grief that was about to be unloaded on him, but just how much we REALLY WILL put between two slices of bread. It might start off nice and conventional but get a load of where it ends up.

1.

2.

...

16:00

Croydon home for old dinosaurs re-opens "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Crystal Palace has reverted to its former existence as a home for old dinosaurs after a very brief attempt to bring it up to the standards associated with modern life.

Announcing a brand new era just a couple of months ago, the owners introduced a young, dynamic, forward-thinking manager to transform the establishment which was so resolutely stuck in the past. It was clearly a long-term project as the young manager was given a three year contract to implement far-reaching improvements to the infrastructure of the organisation.

However, the owners have now changed their minds completely about modernising, probably recognising the monolithic magnitude of the task and the fact that the local residents are equally mired in the swampy squalor that they inhabit. The owners are therefore returning to the basic, crude, prehistoric world they know and love so much.

An old fossil has been put in charge of reversing any last lingering thoughts about updating the outlook, and it is considered that he may retain some of the old dinosaurs installed by the previous old relic. In the meantime, striker Christian Benteke is already said to be practising taking corners.

14:52

Improved UK storm names for 2017 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Met Office have come up with names for the upcoming storms that the UK will face this year but to be honest they all sound quite dull, so weve made them a bit more exciting.

And just in case you were wondering, here are the real thing.

Yep, ours are much better. Please do contribute your own in the comments.

The post Improved UK storm names for 2017 appeared first on The Poke.

Improved UK storm names for 2017 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Met Office have come up with names for the upcoming storms that the UK will face this year but to be honest they all sound quite dull, so weve made them a bit more exciting.

And just in case you were wondering, here are the real thing.

Yep, ours are much better. Please do contribute your own in the comments.

The post Improved UK storm names for 2017 appeared first on The Poke.

14:10

People cant get their heads round this newly unveiled tribute to Diana, Princess of Wales "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This tribute to Diana, Princess of Wales, has just been unveiled and people cant quite get their heads round it.

It doesnt get any better in close up.

Hmmm, yep, you can definitely see the join here.

And here.

Heres what people made of it online.

1.

...

People cant get their heads round this newly unveiled tribute to Diana, Princess of Wales "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This tribute to Diana, Princess of Wales, has just been unveiled and people cant quite get their heads round it.

It doesnt get any better in close up.

Hmmm, yep, you can definitely see the join here.

And here.

Heres what people made of it online.

1.

...

13:43

Keep a close eye on the bottom right hand corner "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As posted by @mikel_jollett on Twitter.

READ MORE

Dogs mind blown by rubbish vanishing trick

Source

The post Keep a close eye on the bottom right hand corner appeared first on The Poke.

13:09

Memo to Daily Mail: when copying/pasting from Wikipedia, remember to delete the citation bit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As spotted by the estimable @DMReporter on Twitter.

The Daily Mail story.

And the familiar looking Wikipedia entry.

The post Memo to Daily Mail: when copying/pasting from Wikipedia, remember to delete the citation bit appeared first on The Poke.

13:00

Woman punishes SatNav with trip to Wales "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In return for years of surly instruction and demands that she take the second exit at the roundabout, Esme St. Fleur (52) has decided to inflict a syllabic slap-down on her pushy on-board navigation system. By deliberately driving in reverse down Eisteddfod Road in Cwmystwyth, Mrs St. Fleur has managed to give her SatNav a stammer and a much overdue sense of inferiority.

The relationship with her SatNav originally broke down in 2013, somewhere in between Spaghetti Junction and a service station that never appeared. Subsequently, Mrs St.Fleur grew weary of SatNav calling the A5115 the A Five thousand, one hundred and fifteen or it going into a silent sulk just before a vital turning.

The battle of wills was heightened by the fact Mrs St. Fleurs GPS did not seem to have updated its map library since Magna Carta. Coupled with its pompous insistence that it use only the first five letters of a postcode, had made it the most annoyingly, smug driving companion since James Corden.

Mrs Fleur growled: Whats wrong with just an ordinance survey map and a small supply of Kendal mintcake? The only touch screen option I want, is if I can throttle the bitch. Ive had it up to here, with every time she suggests I go off-road to Tescos or that the Thames estuary is the quickest route to Calais. Llanfairpwllgwyngyll here I come!

12:05

We Revisit Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys and by We I Mean Me, Alone, Like Always "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Today were taking a look back on one of the most influential rock albums of all time, Pet Sounds by The Beach boys!

Let me clarify. By we I am referring to three people. Namely me, myself, and I. Oh, yeah. The gangs all here. Lets do this.

Though officially credited as a Beach Boys album, many consider Pet Sounds to be a Brian Wilson solo project. In this respect its sort of like my entire life. Sure, on paper other people are involved. Family, peers, a network of friends. But at the end of the day its just one guy sitting in an apartment listening to records writing a Hard Style post. And thats fine!

Pet Sounds opens with perhaps its best single Wouldnt It Be Nice, a bombastic song that steps right on the gas of the albums landmark wall of sound aesthetic. Co-written by lyricist Tony Asher, this song is an ode to the pains of youth. Its central character lamenting about experiencing a love he knows hes not old enough for. Hearing it now I cant help but think of a few other things that would be nice. Like, wouldnt it be nice if I wasnt the only person I knew who thought sitting around listening to Pet Sounds on vinyl would be a fun group activity?

If youre anything like me youll find it and the two following tracks (Thats Not Me and Dont Talk) to be the perfect soundtrack to frantically double and triple checking that you havent accidentally missed a text from any one of the many, many people you reached out to about hanging out tonight. Then again, as is becoming devastatingly clear, no one is like me.

Related: Its Time to Have a Conversation About How Lonely I Am

Concluding side A, Sloop John B is a cover of an old standard from the Bahamas with some inventive holy shit my cat just came home! Shes been gone for weeks! Well...

12:00

PewDiePie Accidentally Puts on Entire KKK Uniform in Middle of Game Stream "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BRIGHTON, U.K. While streaming a heated match of PlayerUnknowns Battlegrounds, YouTube celebrity PewDiePie, in a fit of rage over being killed, impulsively put on an entire historically accurate KKK Uniform, today.  

The stream, which showed the YouTube celebrity carefully putting on an elaborate KKK uniform for about fifteen minutes in the middle of a PUBG squad match, caused a massive controversy on social media sites within a matter of minutes and led to an apology vlog within a few hours of the event.

Hey Bro Army. So you might have heard people were a little upset with me yesterday because of a mistake I made, PewDiePie said in an apology video titled Woah a lot of people saw me wearing a decked out KKK outfit so I guess I need to say something.

The video, which was six minutes long, included a recap of what happened over a continuous EDM beat playing in the background.

Let me just say that I am not in the Ku Klux Klan and also I dont hate blacks. I was playing PUBG and after I got killed by some obvious stream watcher, so I was just reacting off the top of my head, PewDiePie said over an image that said KKK=NOT PART OF BRO ARMY that accidentally had PewDiePies face over the word Not.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

I had absolutely no intention of putting on that KKK uniform, piece by piece, while playing PUBG. It was a heat of the moment mistake that happened in a split hour, he explained to his fans.

Over the course of the video that frequently mentioned how many subscribers he has, White Supremacist puns, and joking how much he looks like he belongs in the KKK, PewDiePie made clear in the video that desp...

11:25

These captchas are getting pretty sophisticated "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If this captcha is anything to go by, AI really is starting to understand the human race.

The post These captchas are getting pretty sophisticated appeared first on The Poke.

11:02

This fat slug is stuck in an iron and the replies about getting it out are very funny indeed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A simple enough problem: youve got a slug stuck in a iron and want to get it out. Happens every day.

But the replies. Oh the wonderful replies.

This one

And this one

And this one

And this one

And this one

And certainly this one

Our advice? Post it on the internet for the lols.

Source: facebook

The post This fat slug is stuck in an iron and the replies about getting it out are very funny indeed appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

Young Kalahari bushmen embarrassed by Dad rain dancing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For centuries, the Kung bushmen from the deserts of southern Namibia have known what to do if a drought threatened their crops: dance in clockwise circles while improvising harmonic chants at the edge of the village to implore the sky gods for rain. Now, unfortunately they are facing both mortification and hunger as an older generation of men with two left feet try to join in.

Its excruciating, 19-year-old goat herdsman Mpumpomelo Nujoma told an anthropologist. These 40-something old fools just sit around doing nothing much all year, then when we need rain, there they are shuffling about out of synch, deluding themselves that they are impressing both the village girls and the spirits of our ancestors. And considering we live our entire lives stark naked, it just isnt going to happen, is it?

Since the 1950s, the 90,000-strong San, Sho, Barwa, Kung and Khwe tribes of southern Africa have gradually abandoned their hunter-gatherer lifestyles and settled in villages. This makes them vulnerably dependent on unpredictable weather patterns, hence the development of a complex series of rain dances. Dad rain dancing is seen as totally counter-productive. Many of the older men perform their dances on a hillside, contrary to all tradition, yodelling clich-ridden lyrics out of tune in 4/4 time and rapidly getting out of breath.

In many cases, they spin anti-clockwise, which could actually be driving the rain away, even if the sight of a 44-year-old attempting some breakdance moves he learned off an American tourist should logically make the sky want to cry, Nujoma said.

With no rainfall in the past five months and the threat of crop failure looming, Nujoma admitted that bold measures are needed. The sages tell us of a kingdom far away called Scotland where, strange to say, it actually rains more than you would want it to, he said. We are therefore clubbing together to send my useless old uncle to attend a ceilidh and learn to Strip the Willow. I hear you are even encouraged to drink fermented crops first, so the silly old goat should love that.

Hat tip to squudge

10:23

New iPhone 8 Battery Life Expanded To Accommodate Centrelinks Average Hold Time "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

iphone 8

In a nod to its Australian customers, tech giant Apple has unveiled a new iPhone with a beefed up fourteen-hour battery life long enough to keep charge for almost as long as the average hold time at Centrelink.

Catering specifically to the Australian markets penchant for listening to Vivaldis Four Seasons on repeat through handheld luxury items while waiting for up to eleven hours for some guy to process that fucking Newstart payment, Apple once again has proven itself as a leader in responding to its users.

The new phones will cost $1600, or around two years Newstart payments.

___________________

By Joshua Dabelstein

09:54

Highway Patrolman Cuts The Small Talk And Just Says He Pulled You Over For Speeding "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact According to a recent survey, most conversations with police on the shoulder of a highway start with the eternal question: Do you know why I pulled you over today? The answer is invariably the same around the country. Ah perhaps because of the speed, sir? And the answer to that rhetorical question is []

The post Highway Patrolman Cuts The Small Talk And Just Says He Pulled You Over For Speeding appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:38

Someones loading a Spectrum game on your dads head "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I bet they get R Tape loading error, 0:1 and then have to reset his head. notes @Jimlo7.

Ear jack up his arse. says @Muig.

Source: Twitter/@wefail

The post Someones loading a Spectrum game on your dads head appeared first on The Poke.

09:34

Bennett moves Thaiday to fullback for vital clash "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MANY FANS FEEL THAT WAYNE HAS TAKEN ROLE ROTATION TOO FAR THIS SEASON.

MANY FANS FEEL THAT WAYNE HAS TAKEN ROLE ROTATION TOO FAR THIS SEASON.

Brisbane Broncos coach Wayne Bennett has revealed a shock decision before the clubs must-win game against the Panthers this weekend Sam Thaiday will wear the number one jersey.

The master tactician has been criticised in recent months for rotating his key positions around too much, however, this move may be a bridge too far for many Broncos fans.

I dont talk positions too much, Sammy has been solid in the hooking role so fullback isnt beyond him, Bennett told reporters at training this morning.

Hes definitely better under the high ball than David Mead, in fact he is better under any ball than David Mead.

But Thaidays move to the backs may not be the biggest surprise Bennett announces before game day with a bolter tipped to take on the halfback role.

I might have a crack at half, its been a while since I played but f*#k it, I dont have a seven executing my game plan at the moment, Bennet said.

When asked where that move would leave the likes of Hunt and Nikorima, Bennett gave the punters even more surprises to chew on.

Kodi will be rotated to a masseuse role and Ben will play up in the front row, Bennett replied

08:57

Man Celebrates Feeling Normal Again After Weekend By Just Having A Few "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Many of Greg Manitobas friend told The Advocate that the 28-year-old puts the fun in functioning alcoholic a loveable label the local bridge and wharf carpenter has enjoyed since finishing university. Known well around the Old City districts nightspots and day-drinking watering holes, Greg often gives it a red-hot-crack []

The post Man Celebrates Feeling Normal Again After Weekend By Just Having A Few appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:30

Who knew that part of Japan was a dead ringer for Winnie the Pooh? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Thats the Akita Prefecture in Japan to save you puzzling and looking this up.

WHY DOES HE HAVE ONE HUMAN FOOT says @Rochosaysnocho.

Source: Twitter/@coolado_

The post Who knew that part of Japan was a dead ringer for Winnie the Pooh? appeared first on The Poke.

06:58

Local Tablet Wins Father Of The Year Award "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An East Betoota Lenovo Yoga Tab3 10 Tablet is said to be ecstatic with news coming in from the coast that hed won the prestigious Australian Father of the Year Award today in Brisbane. Lenovo Yoga, a local three-year-old father, was the Queensland nominee for the competition after being []

The post Local Tablet Wins Father Of The Year Award appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:06

Revealed: How Tightarse Turnbull Used A Fake Baby To Smuggle Grog Into The SCG "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

turnbull baby alcohol

The image of the Prime Minister cuddling a baby and drinking a beer at the SCG actually exposes an elaborate ruse to smuggle hard liquor past security, The Shovel can reveal.

Analysis shows that Mr Turnbull is holding a baby doll, fashioned into a covert alcohol flask, with a small opening at the top of its head.

An investigator said that after days of controversy over the image, it was now clear that Mr Turnbull was diverting our attention by holding a mid-strength beer in a plastic cup. He was actually sucking a 2003 Bordeaux through a concealed straw in the dolls head.

Thanks to Mr Turnbulls own increased security measures, its now nearly impossible to get a bottle of alcohol into a football match. But the Prime Minister appears to have found a way around the measures. He also saved around $80 by not having to buy a second beer.

Mr Turnbull was unavailable for comment after the match and had a blood-alcohol reading of 2.1.

_________________________

By Ben Colosimo 

03:15

Local Girl Who Just Made The Move To Bondi Posts 17th Photo Of Bondi Icebergs To Instagram "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A South Betootanese woman who slammed her the front door closed to parents Dennison Street Californian bungalow earlier in the year has been traced to Bondi  The Advocate can reveal. Through a four-part investigation into the missing young lady, our reporters checked her various social media accounts daily  only to []

The post Local Girl Who Just Made The Move To Bondi Posts 17th Photo Of Bondi Icebergs To Instagram appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Prince George Caught Smoking Behind the Real Tennis Courts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Rebellious Prince George looks like following in the naughty footsteps of his Uncle Harry, as he was caught lighting up behind the real tennis courts in his first week at exclusive Thomass Battersea School. Royal watchers fear he has already fallen in with the schools bad crowd, and believe its only a matter of time before hes caught reading classic literature that is not on the reception year list of recommended books, or hitting up other kids and stealing their fish courses during lunch.

Other disturbing reports of his shocking rebelliousness have come from his ballet class. When instructed by his teacher to perform a pas de deux, he broke from the class and defiantly performed a la quatrieme devant instead, as his sniggering classmates egged him on.

And perhaps most shockingly of all, he refuses to engage his languages teacher in standard Mandarin, instead leading a hardcore breakaway group who only converse in the Wuhan dialect.

The school principal is at a loss as to how to deal with the royal trouble-maker as he is 3rd in line to the British Throne, and already undisputed King of the playground. Id like to give the little b*s*!d a good thrashing, said John Stephens, but hes a tough little bugger, young George, and hed be just as likely to shiv me one between the ribs. So like all good English schools Ill just let him get away with whatever he wants besides his folks are paying us 18k a year, and ivve got to maintain our school ranking in the league tables, so whatevs.

While Georges misbehaviour has shocked many, some observers say the Princes bad behaviour is no surprise, as young George was brought up on an estate, albeit a Royal one, and both his parents are unemployed and reliant on state benefits.

 

daneade, Hat tip chrisf

00:47

I Like Babies, But I Wouldnt Eat A Whole One, Turnbull Reassures Outraged Public "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

turnbull baby

Malcolm Turnbull has moved to reassure Australians that he didnt eat the whole baby, after a backlash to an image he released on social media at the weekend.

Many people reacted strongly, saying it was disgusting that a Prime Minister would post an image of himself eating a baby, especially given he was also drinking a beer at the time.

Does anyone else find this irresponsible? And since when was drinking while eating a child ok? one Facebook user posted.

But Mr Turnbull made it very clear that he was only nibbling, and had no intention to consume the entire baby, which was presented to him at a football match on Saturday.

___________________________________________

By Michael Ryan

00:29

NRL Confident That Finals Crowd Numbers Will Reach Double Figures "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Following on from a disapointing turn out to week one of the finals the NRL has confidently predicted that week two of the finals will bring the crowds back and are hopeful of crowd numbers reaching double or even triple figures.

The turn out for week one was disappointing but you know low crowds does make it easier to clean up the ground after the game, said NRL spokesperson Ernie Seat. Also low crowds meant there was less chance of one of the Umpires being lynched, so swings and roundabouts.

When pressed on how the NRL felt watching the AFL finals series kick off to record sell out crowds the spokesperson responded: Ah yeah I saw that they had about 95,000 people to one game could you imagine how long it took to clean up the mess they left. You would have had to pay the cleaners overtime.

What we lose in ticket sales we make up for in lower ground maintenance costs.

Week two of the NRL finals kicks off on Friday night. Tickets are available online or just rock up to the gate promising to clean up after yourself and you will be let in for free.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter...

00:14

Flanagan blames referees for shark washed up at Manly beach "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

FLANAGAN FEELS THE SHARK DIDN'T GET THE RUB OF THE GREEN

FLANAGAN FEELS THE SHARK DIDNT GET THE RUB OF THE GREEN

Sharks coach Shane Flanagan has hit out at NRL referees boss Tony Archer over the beaching of a baby shark in Manly today.

The only reason that shark was there in the first place was because he was called offside, a clearly deranged Flanagan told several concerned reporters this morning.

That shark shouldve been given the opportunity to find its own way back out to sea but instead the refs have hauled him off to the sin bin where it still remains at Manly Aquarium.

The referees are disgusting.

When asked if he was feeling okay and was seeking counselling following his teams loss to the Cowboys on the weekend, Flanagan was quick to change the subject back to the baby shark at Manly.

These young sharks work hard all year to make a pilgrimage across the Pacific Ocean only to have their season cut short by a bloody ref decision that shark should be compensated, Flanagan continued to ramble.

Following the comments, the Sharks coach was taken into care where he will undergo intensive shock therapy to convince him that referee decisions are not the sole reason for all of the worlds ills.

THE FAULT REPORT IS A SATIRICAL WEBSITE AND ITS CONTENTS ARE NOT INTENDED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REALITY IS PURELY (AND LAMENTABLY) COINCIDENTAL.

Monday, 11 September

21:33

Discord Sets Up Mogul Relief Fund After Richard Bransons Private Island Devastated "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Flagstaff, AZThe Daily Discord, a site not known for its philanthropic prowess, has set up a fund to help Richard Branson recover from the category five hurricane that ravaged his private island this week. Head Comedy writer Mick Zano explains, Please donate generously to the account weve set up and dont forget about the special charity

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