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Sunday, 11 February

22:27

Joyce Tipped To Replace Dutton As Minister For Home Affairs "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Belegaured Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce is tipped to replace Peter Dutton as Minister for Home Affairs in a soon to be announced cabinet reshuffle.

When you make a mistake like Barnaby has you can either take the fall and go or own it and run with it, said a Government Insider. In this case Barnaby in charge of Home Affairs will provide us with a bit of self-deprication and also it will be  a plus. In that we move Dutton back a square in his quest for world domination.

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull when reached for comment said of the mooted cabinet reshuffle, Both Barnaby and Peter have my utmost confidence and who knows what the future will bring for them. Peter is doing wonderful things in Home Affairs and Barnaby well he is doing a lot of things shall we say.

Current Minister for Home Affairs Peter Dutton could not be reached for comment as he was busy working on plans for his secret underground lair.

Minister Joyce was also unavailable for comment as he was on the job according to his office.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow ...

18:35

Yo-Jong Takes Down Pence James Bond Style At Olympics. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

North Koreans Score a Victory The Olympic Committee Didn't See Coming- Chances like this didn't come very often. Especially in cash poor, politically isolated North Korea. The plan to overlook political differences and cash in on the once in a...

17:33

What Do You Mean You Sheeple? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Excuse me? What did you say?? How DARE you. Sheeple is an offensive term. You dont get to say it.

Us sheeple are a proud and docile majority. I personally come from an unremarkable lineage of SUV-driving, Big Bang Theory-watching, iPhone-buying sheep, from my great great grandpapa, who was an actual shepard just like everybody else in the old county, to my Sinatra-loving, communist-hating, racist grandfather. These great, unspectacular men worked very moderately so that I could someday live a purposeless, nondescript life of never questioning the status quo.

Im so mad I could go to Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon and just start buying things!

You know what really cheeses me off about all this? You dont even know what its like to be a sheeperson (our preferred term by the way). I go to church, I watch The Walking Dead, I eat kale chips, I take selfies, and then I take a nap. I never worry about anything real, ever. Its great.

Related: Wake Up, Sheeple: I Didnt Crossbreed Sheep With People So You Could Sleep All Day

 

What makes you so superior, anyway? Because of all your thinking? Just consider how much time you spend agonizing over what the government is doing or whether God really exists. My biggest worry last week was about that one Kardashian who isnt Kim. Thats it.

Hey, but youve got your existential dread. Oohhh, neat!

Just give in. Join us! Post puns on Reddit! Share a meme on Instagram! Go to Coachella! Its so much easier.

As far as I care to know, all of the stuff that our government officials, religious leaders, and media conglomerates are deciding for us is probably correct and we should listen to them.

Unless of course everyone collectively decides that what theyre doing is not correct. In which case, Im inclined to agree.

Dont be a sheep, buy a Hard Times t-shirt. All the cool kids arent doing it:

17:28

After SpaceX Car Stunt, Elon Musk Found Hitchhiking On Santa Monica Freeway "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Santa Monica, CABillionaire and SpaceX owner, Elon Musk, is blaming an employee on a glitch that sent his ride into space on Wednesday. After the Falcon Heavy blasted off with his car, Mr. Musk found himself with no ride from the launch pad back to his mansion in Bel Air. One onlooker was hesitant to pick up the mogul,

17:05

This Day In Future History: President Rubio Pressured Into Exhuming Hillarys Body For 29th Benghazi Hearing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WashingtonPresident Marco Rubio has flipflopped on his decision to allow the Senate Intelligence Committee to pursue yet another Benghazi hearing. The president told the press today, With new evidence tweeted to me from Donald Trump Jr. *cough* from prison, there are still a number of unanswered questions about the Benghazi embassy attack. After some initial reservations, the

16:00

Dangerous Dog owner wins plaudits blaming dog after unprovoked attack "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The owner of a so-called dangerous dog has won plaudits on all sides for being the first to admit that his dog was at fault when it attacked a man in the park who was simply minding his own business.

Said the man: I was walking towards the lake on my way to feed the ducks when, Rex an eight stone Rottweiler, spotted me and came charging up with its teeth bared, slavering in a crazed manner and pinned me to the ground as a prelude to ripping my throat out. But luckily his owner was right behind him and somehow pulled Rex off me before I could be scarred for life or even worse.

The man explained that after he had picked himself up and dusted himself down Rexs owner, 20 year-old Dale Marston, was full of apologies saying: Are you all right? God Im really so sorry. You must have been terrified and I just dont know why he did that. Mind, he is a bit mental and theres a shocking vicious streak in him to be fair, so it was more than likely just that.

But despite his terrifying ordeal the attacked man has nothing but praise for Rexs master. He never once said that it was my fault, that the dog wouldnt normally behave like that or I was probably attacked because I had made a sudden move and had frightened poor Rex.

Animal psychologist Liam Doyle commented: This is a very odd case indeed, because research shows quite clearly that most of these dangerous dog owners are complete and utter chavvy arseholes.

15:30

Crust Punk House Evacuated After Bath Bomb Threat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TACOMA, Wash. The residents of the Scab Lab crust punk house were evacuated last night in response to an anonymous bath bomb threat, according to multiple unbathed sources.

Josues the only one with a phone, so he got the call, said Grace DisGrace Flanagan. We all thought it was a joke at first, but when we found an active Glade plug-in in the living room, we realized we were all in a lot of trouble if we didnt get out fast. I grabbed my dogs and went straight out to the sidewalk.

Longtime Scab Lab resident Josue Dry Socket Avery recalled the ominous phone call.

Before I could even ask, Who dis, a distorted voice shouted at me that they were gonna drown our filth in fragrant aromas and cleanse our damned souls with 15 different moisturizing herbs, said Avery. Ive never been threatened by refreshing effervescence before Im still a little shaken up.

Despite the Scab Labs commitment to anarchist politics, residents did not hesitate to contact local authorities.

Everybody knows I hate the fucking pigs, man, said resident Travis Slime Time Jameson. But Im not letting some sick terrorist with a Bath and Body Works gift certificate take my grime away from me, my dude. The last thing I need is a subtle lavender scent wafting off of my exfoliated skin.

Residents say police response was swift, with a team of bath-bomb sniffing dogs dispatched. However, what the authorities found shocked even the most seasoned veterans of the force.

In all my years on the job, Ive never seen this kind of heavy ordinance, said bomb disposal expert Sandra Reeves. Three bath bombs, shaped like strawberries, packed with soothing aloe beads, a time-released vanilla foam, and enough jasmine to perfume a sultans palace. You cant get this over the counter at a Lush this is some custom shit.

Related:

Reeves noted the dogs also found five more plug-ins, six amber spice sachets, two cinnamon scented candles, and fiv...

13:00

Go down the pub urge Councils "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Local authorities up and down the country say the best way to avoid a massive increase in council tax charges would be for everybody to spend more time down the pub. Planned tax hikes across the UK could be avoided if people spent less time preparing meals at home or drinking in front of the TV and spent more time eating and drinking in pubs say experts.

It is estimated councils spend 30% of their budget on elaborate and costly re-cycling schemes. But studies show that waste disposal could be virtually eliminated if people tweaked their eating and drinking habits even if just modestly.

Recycling empty lager cans, wine bottles, take-away cartons and food packaging accounts for a huge slice of our council tax take,  claimed a spokesperson for Northampton County Council. By spending all night in the pub people would not only do away with the need for recycling but would save themselves an absolute fortune.

Do the maths, continued the spokesman. Spend 5 or 6 nights a week down the pub drinking beer and playing dominoesor face a 3% rise in council tax. It doesnt matter how many times you do the calculation, the result comes out the same. Council tax payers would save themselves a fortune by heading for the pub straight after work.

Health experts also agree that people should stop exercising too. If people stopped exercising there would be no need for them to buy bottled water, said one expert. They would be saving a fortune and would also be protecting the environment. Its a win/win situation for all concerned.

Stop any unnecessary exercise which is basically all of it., continued the expert. You can exercise by walking down the pub. You can even run place a bet with your mates to see who can get there first. Last one in pays the first round. You could do a Samba on the way homethats good exercise. Instead of a bottle of Evian waiting for you there would be a pint of Stella.

There would no doubt be winners and losers, admitted the expert. Yes, your local gym might close. But it could be turned into a wine bar. The pubs could even form a quiz league or play each other at football. See with just a few basic lifestyle changes you can save money AND improve your well being.

12:27

Women told to "love their saggy boobs" and the silicone industry is now in meltdown! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A women who once wanted her boobs to be filled with silicone is now telling women all over the world to love their saggy boobs just like she does! As one can imagine the silicone industry is not impressed by this lovely lady caressing her sagging...

11:00

Flat-screen television sets destroying our natural habitat claim poltergeists "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

People intending to purchase a modern flat screen television or fancy new plasma screen should take a long hard look at themselves if they care in the slightest about having their family terrorised by a malevolent being that feeds off psychokinetic energy, the nations poltergeists warned last night.

Discarnate entities throughout the astral plane claim that their natural habitat of roomy 1980s box-style televisions, which are always giving off static, is coming under increasing threat from new-fangled sets way too small to fit inside, let alone serve as a handy portal to another dimension into which they can abduct your kids.

And unless the trend is reversed, typical poltergeist phenomena such as having all your furniture smashed up or being picked up by an invisible pair of hands and thrown violently down the stairs could soon become a thing of the past. Sue and Alan Johnson of Enfield are one such family who witnessed a dramatic decline in paranormal activity after throwing their old-style TV onto a skip and investing in a 40 inch LG plasma screen. Mr Johnson said, putting up with the kind of shit you get on Freeview seems a small price to pay for not being bitten, scratched or having your six-year old disappear into the set while shes watching CBeebies.

Mrs Johnson, however, disagreed. Although watching Masterchef in HD takes some beating, I kind of miss the days where Id come home to find the house full of flies, our wedding photos lying in tatters and the words Get Out Bitch scrawled across the mirror in lipstick. But as I said to Alan, you have to expect this kind of thing when your home is built on an ancient Indian burial mound which, I admit, is rather unusual for North London.

Meanwhile, the spook behind the disturbances, Bill, said the old set was brilliant. On a good day you could fit up to three of four spirits in there and have room left over for a small terrified infant. But now its all plasma this and LCD that we poltergeists are a dying breed.

Now those scum bags who tried to have me evicted might call that progress but theres still fuck all worth watching on Channel 5.

Meanwhile, leading TV companies such as Sony and Toshiba have taken the concerns of the ethereal realm on board with the release of a 50 inch phantom-friendly Ecto-Plasma screen whose porous membrane creates the perfect living environment for those troubled souls refusing to move towards the light. Martina Cressington , 44, of Solihull insists her poltergeist is right at home with the n...

08:35

Real Business Still Done Over Crownies "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by The Australian Institute For Nineties Millionaires has found that actual business deals are still done over Crownies and old school Italian food. The findings also indicate that real business is still irrespective of market bubbles and cryptocurrencies, but more about plastic checkered tablecloths and lots of swearing. While many []

The post Real Business Still Done Over Crownies appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:05

Trump Has Indicated His Desire to Take His Military Parade Across the U.S. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mar-A-Lago, FL Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced for Donald Trump today that President Trump has begun planning a military parade to go across the United States. She said that the President wants to go with it from town to town, and speak in aircraft...

07:57

Friend Attempts To Explain How Were All Living In A Simulation Without Sounding Crazy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Moments after two men dressed in the same clothes walking out from the smoking pokies, Dale Tuckham thought it was about time he let his two friends in on a little secret. Were living in a simulation, you know? he said. A what? said Annie Brown, who followed Dale and his roommate Tom down []

The post Friend Attempts To Explain How Were All Living In A Simulation Without Sounding Crazy appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:51

Bill Cosby, Although Blind, Returns to Touring "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Cheltenham, Pennsylvania. Bill Cosby'held a press conference and announced that he would not let his blindness stop him from going on tour. After he thought the cameras were off, he ordered his staff around and belittled them in front of the reporter...

07:23

L. Ron Clubcard Returns to Earth from Target Two "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Clearwater, FL L. Ron Clubcard, famed Sci-Fi Writer and cult founder, has fulfilled his promise to return to Earth.He gave his first interview and answered all the questions about why he was back, was he going to write more long-winded science fictio...

04:58

Science Discovers There Are Humans Who Still Get The Train Between Capital Cities "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Australias peak scientific body has released findings this afternoon on their website that outlines that there are people walking among the rest of us who get the train between the nations capital cities. It was long assumed that with the advent of cheap air travel, the Victorian-era transport method []

The post Science Discovers There Are Humans Who Still Get The Train Between Capital Cities appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:54

No Thanks!: New Parents Ask If Youd Like To Hold The Baby For A Minute "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LAUREN McVEIGH | Maternity | Contact A local young professional has declined an offer this morning to hold her friends new baby, according to witnesses. Amy Fastman, a French Quarter commercial real estate specialist, went to a brunch this morning in town with friends and their growing families all the while Amy barely able to feed and clothe []

The post No Thanks!: New Parents Ask If Youd Like To Hold The Baby For A Minute appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:27

Network Seven Confirm They Only Bought Broadcasting Rights Of The Speed Skating "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Network Seven has confirmed this morning to reporters that they purchased the broadcasting rights to the speed skating at this years PyeongChang Olympic Winter Games. The question was raised after the popular television channel began exclusively showing the sport, which is the only event Australia has won a gold medal []

The post Network Seven Confirm They Only Bought Broadcasting Rights Of The Speed Skating appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:00

Canberra Man Living Overseas Gives Up And Says Hes From Sydney "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

PHIL LeCHOISE | Overseas | CONTACT Liam Webb is a proud Canberran. He grew up there, went to school there, and even decided to stay in Canberra for university. Liam is quick to sing Canberras praises, and gets defensive when his out of state friends tease him about Canberra not being a real city. Its very easy to []

The post Canberra Man Living Overseas Gives Up And Says Hes From Sydney appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Blurb writer really likes book hes writing blurb about "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A writer of blurbs has spoken out about his love of the book hes going to write a blurb about probably on Thursday. This is a really great book and I defy anyone who has read it to disagree, he said. It has enough tension/pathos/frank scenes/surprise/funny lines/poignant characters/page-turning plot lines/stunning photography/strange illustration/observations on the absurdity of human ambition and fine writing to fill a library. This is the author on top of his or her game.

The blurb writer confessed: Im amazed at how much I love all the books I am paid to write blurbs about. Theyre all first class reads that are sure to appeal to modern readers as well as those who are devoted to the traditions of excellent narrative-building. These are books by writers who really know their business.

But Irene Smythe of Waterstones in Ryde highlighted the challenges faced by customers who take book blurbs at face value: Isle of Wight readers have sometimes complained to me that while the blurbs in the store are uniformly enticing, the books are of varied quality. This is the booksellers eternal problem, alongside customers who make jokes about wanting a book by a man called Hartley and people who want to use the toilet but fail to buy the latest blockbuster by the woman who wrote the one about people hitting each other just before sexual intercourse.

Speaking near the display of aprons bearing the slogan: If you can read this read something else afterwards, Ms Smythe argued: Effectively were promoting stories blurb writers have made up that appear on the covers of even more made up stories. Its a tissue of lies, and I dont mean the kind of tissue we sell in tiny packets near the fridge magnets wed rather you didnt ejaculate into without buying the latest Nigella or Jamie or Inspector Morose spin-off.

We put Irene Smythes views to our blurb writer and he said: This is stream of consciousness (or should I say scream of consciousness?) rhetorical provocation at its finest. Book lover or no, you cannot fail to be stimulated by Irene Smythes latest caustic criticism of a much maligned aspect of literary life at which few critics would give a second glance. Smythes arguments are original and wittily made by a bookshop assistant with a real feel for what matters in the world of letters, and an iron grip on who should and shouldnt be allowed to use the shops carefully maintained bathroom facilities.

00:52

Local Woman Doesnt Even Really Care About Valentines Day, Anyway "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MOIRA BANKS | Holidays | CONTACT With the annual day of love fast approaching, online dating app downloads have been increasing as singletons desperately try to find a date and avoid being alone on the special day. Spin-class instructor Theresa Bunting, 29, is not one of these app-happy bachelorettes, however. Oh, you know, I totally forgot that was []

The post Local Woman Doesnt Even Really Care About Valentines Day, Anyway appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:27

Robotic Soul-Eating Sales Drone At Work Conference Cant Wait To Chat More On Linkedin "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact For most normal people, business conferences are a chance get a paid day out of the office, make painful small talk with coworkers and come home with a bag full of useless shit. However, for up-and-coming businessman Thomas Cunningham (28) he was so glad to meet you at the conference []

The post Robotic Soul-Eating Sales Drone At Work Conference Cant Wait To Chat More On Linkedin appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

Saturday, 10 February

21:15

A Frustrated Schiff Resolves To Scrawl Unreleased Dem Counter-Memo On Capitol Bathroom Wall "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WashingtonCongressman Adam Schiff of the House Intelligence Committee is in hot water today after soap and hot water could not completely undo his recent permanent-marker handiwork. The rogue congressman allegedly leaked the democratic rebuttal to the controversial Nunes-memo, in its entirety, in bathroom-graffiti form. President Trump, who recently vetoed the release of the memo, is reportedly furious with Schiffs antics and vows to enact swift justice

17:13

All the Guys at This Bar Are Trying to Pick Me up but Its Because Im Lying on the Floor "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I am fall-down drunk right now. For real.

I have literally fallen down and I am presently lying on the floor of this bar. But that is NOT an open invitation for guys to put their hands on me without permission. Im so sick of men trying to grab a piece of me just because Im obstructing foot traffic inside this very busy bar.

They say theyre helping, and only grabbing me by the arm to safely hoist me up, but I know its just because Im a single woman and guys will stoop to any low to get some. Specifically, as low as they need to so that I am no longer lying in the remains of the drink I spilled when I fell.

Why is it that every time I reach five rounds of whiskey cokes, all the guys at this bar try to pick me up? I really wish men would get the hint that just because Im drunk and lying on a floor doesnt mean I want to talk to you or answer your lame questions like, are you OK? or, do you need me to help you safely get a Lyft?

Back off, you thirsty fuckboy!

Related: If Alcohol Is So Bad for You Why Cant I Function Without It?

 

In my dream world, women will get themselves up off the floor when they feel like it, which, honestly, should be never. Lying drunk on a floor is how I own my space, no matter what my embarrassed group of girlfriends say as they apologize to the bouncer about the vodka cran puke on his shoes.

The only downside is that I cant reach the bar. Can one of you guys buy me a drink?

Pick up a Hard Times t-shirt today:

16:00

You never said anything about a f**king asteroid belt, mannequin tells Elon Musk "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The mannequin nicknamed Starman which was launched into orbit on a SpaceX Rocket has sent a series of angry messages back to earth complaining that no-one had mentioned anything about the possibility of hitting an asteroid belt.

WTF?, complained Starman in a message directed toward SpaceX CEO Elon Musk.

The satnav says were heading straight for the middle of a f**king asteroid belt! Please tell me its just gone wonky because of space radiation or some shit.

When Musk confirmed that the vehicle had overshot the planned trajectory because Starman had been a little heavy on the gas, Starman grew increasingly abusive.

Oh its my fault is it? Im a f**king mannequin you b**tard, how can it be my fault? You never said anything about asteroids when you talked me into this caper. You said itd be a lark and that orbiting around Mars was lovely at this time of year

I must have missed the bit where you said about colliding with a lump of carbon at the speed of f**king light. You might at least have left the f**king roof up.

As Musk posted a last photograph of the Tesla Roadster disappearing into space followers of the mission were surprised to see that the dummy test pilot had clearly extended his middle finger in a last show of defiance. And in a final message Starman can be heard complaining that listening to Life on Mars on a loop was doing my f**king head in and that he much preferred Bowies later more pop-driven eighties stuff.

15:30

Covfefe Shirt Finally Arrives In Mail "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

HARTFORD, Conn. Local comical shirt collector and self-described #Resistance member Jared Wayne was overjoyed this morning by the arrival of his months-old order for a shirt mocking President Trumps infamous Covfefe tweet, the mans family and friends report.

My wardrobe has a lot of really hilarious shirts, said 28-year-old Wayne, holding up the shirt featuring a bold-lettered Covfefe. But I think this one is probably the funniest. Its better than my Vote For Pedro shirt, better than Three Wolf Moon, and even better than that Keep Calm And Birthday On shirt I treated myself to last year.

Those close to Wayne seemingly do not share his unbridled enthusiasm for the shirt.

He came out of his bedroom with this wide grin on his face, choking back laughter and waiting for me to get it, said Carson Doolittle, Waynes roommate. It took a solid 40 seconds to sink in. I just kind of chuckled and said, Yeah. Cool, man.

Christ, it feels like that tweet was years ago, Doolittle later added of the widely-lampooned message posted by President Trump on May 31st, 2017, reading, Despite the constant negative press covfefe.

Related:

I hate 45, so I love this shirt, said Wayne. Its the perfect example of how stupid he is. He cant even make sentences! As soon as that story broke, I knew I had to find a shirt for it. I stumbled on an Amazon vendor named Hottrendtees2005shirt it was just as simple as paying $35, plus an $8 standard 16-19 week shipping rate, and, voila! The perfect shirt is here.

The creator of the shirt admitted hes had a windfall of cash since Trumps initial tweet.

As soon as I saw the tweet, I knew I could cash in and make a difference, said Hottrendtees2005shirt CEO Harrison Belger. I donate $3 from every order to the Trump 2020 re-election campaign. It aint no big deal shirt only costs me a couple bucks to make, and these snowflakes just keep buying.

...

13:00

Northern Rock to Take Over East Coast Mainline "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a surprise move the Department for Transport has announced that the derailed East Coast mainline rail franchise will be taken over by a new consortium to be known as Northern Rock.

A spokesman explained that the title was carefully chosen for a number of reasons. Firstly of course, although its the East Coast Line it does travel to the North. Secondly we felt we needed a title with universal appeal. We are always interested in attracting more young people onto the trains and Rock has a certain cool and groovy sound about it which should appeal to youngsters whose discriminatory powers havent developed to the point where they will be able to appreciate what they are getting into when they purchase a ticket.

For the older generation, Northern Rock will summon up images of crowds of people queuing around the block to access a service which is on the verge of collapse. Just the sort of thing you would expect with a twenty first century British railway.

Inevitably banks will be heavily involved in the setting up and running of this consortium and some of the bargain ticket offers will echo the practices of the original Northern Rock. For instance as an opening gambit theyll be offering 125% loans to those wishing to purchase a ticket.

A questioner pointed out that only the left hand side of the tracks went to the North while the right hand side travelled South and this should have been considered in the title.

Said the spokesman: We had considered the title Southern Comfort for the southbound service but felt that this would unnecessarily complicate matters and raise unrealistic expectations about the availability of seating on the trains.

11:00

French satire Hollywood disappears up its own arse sweeps board at Oscars "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

up their own artistsThe French had their first good laugh in ages last night as a low budget film by veteran director Jean-Paul Gauloises-Bout-Filtre swept the board at the 84th Academy Awards, winning five of the ten categories for which it had been nominated.

The film, Hollywood disparat en haut son propre cul, was originally devised to inject a slightly less pompous note at last years Cannes Festival, but to the amazement of the entire French film industry, American and British observers swallowed the whole conceit hook, line et sinker.

You would think that a culture which could come up with something as cutting as The Producers would find our tatty piece of homage mildly amusing, said Bout-Filtre today, but they just loved it for all the wrong reasons.

First, we did it in black and white, which as everyone knows is shite, or merde as we say in France. Then, because English speakers are so merde at languages, we got round the whole problem of subtitles by making it a silent film, which is even more merde. Why did Hollywood introduce talkies in the 1920s and Technicolor in the 1930s? Parce que the alternatives were, how you say, ah oui, merde, thats why mon ami.

But vraiment, it shows the struggle for survival both in making the film and that of the star in his role as, if you will, a fight against a sea of agonising pain, waves crashing down like les chou-fleurs falling down from a great height onto your plate, when you do not even like chou-fleurs. Cest terrible. Or is it? Peraps it is just one big pipi-take. Cest pour vous to decide, mon ami, while I shrug this huge amount of cash all the way la banque.

10:53

This video gives a whole new meaning to rescue cat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

27 seconds of your time very well spent.

Cant wait for the big screen adaptation.

And you can read the full story here, as told by the animals owner, Michelle Reyes.

She said Mila, the Chihuahua-miniature Pinscher mix, was in time out for having an accident on the floor, buts she and her sister B, a Chihuahua-toy fox terrier mix, are inseparable, so the second dog followed her into the cage.

She was like, If youre in trouble...

10:29

This guy said hed like to punch a feminist and it didnt end well for him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This man said hed really like to punch a feminist and peoples response was a sheer delight.

This is what the (now deleted) Tumblr account said, fortunately for us picked up by @ittzkait on Twitter.

And it turned out plenty of people were ready and waiting. Like this person.

And this person.

And best of all this person.

...

10:05

Someone did a twin pose with their dog and suddenly everyone was doing it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone called Liam Rice posted some pictures of him in which his dog was pulling faces remarkably similar to his.

Or maybe it was the other way round.

Anyway, it prompted a whole bunch of people to do something similar, with rather lovely results.

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09:41

Women were challenged to text their crushes and try to get a Valentines date. This is what happened "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A blogger called @Oloni challenged women to text their crushes in an attempt to get a Valentines Day date with them and share the responses.

And this is what happened next.

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07:24

Early Access Game About Depression Abandoned by Creator "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WILKES-BARRE, Pa. Michelle Avery, creator of The Sadness Trials, announced today she would no longer be working on her indie game that would explore what it feels like to have depression.

In a way, this is the perfect realization of my goal to make gamers understand what it is like to suffer from depression, Avery said in regards to her decision to quit working on the project. That feeling of being cheated, like life is somehow unfair, meaningless and completely out of your control? Yep I think that just about nails the metaphor better than my game ever could. I guess you can say Im a genius.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Players who had purchased The Sadness Trials were perplexed by the decision and looking for answers.

As a customer, I am outraged that I paid full price for a product that will never work the way it should. It just isnt right and has really shaken my faith in a system I thought I could trust, said Darcy Tourso, who had purchased the game.  Oh wait, is this what she wanted me to feel the whole time? Or am I just over analyzing a pseudo-artsy indie game for meaning when the truth is she just screwed me for cash?

At press time, Avery announced she was going to be working on a new game titled Where Once There Was, There Was Not, which will retail for 10,000 dollars and simulate what it is like to become suddenly poor.

Article by Mike Amory @TheMikeAmory.

Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the internet. Follow us on...

06:46

Shocking Estimate of 2018 Voter Turnout "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Friday, the C.I.A. released a preliminary report outlining the anticipated voter turnout in the 2018 US mid-term elections and the impact of Russian interference. CIA Director Mike Pompeo told this reporter, All indications reflect the Russian tu...

05:39

Regional Man Visiting Home Says Hes Missed The Budget Ads On Local TV "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Brisbane-based accountant arrived home in Betoota Heights this morning after an arduous two-day journey. The first thing he did after putting his bags down was to put his feet up. Everything was going great. The cricket was on, Dad was sitting shirtless out the back reading The Australian. []

The post Regional Man Visiting Home Says Hes Missed The Budget Ads On Local TV appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:34

Baby Boomer Finds Purpose In Life Through DashCam Owners Australia Facebook Page "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Investigative | CONTACT A local baby boomer, whos previously struggled to really enjoy anything, has finally found something to sink his teeth into, after discovering that the Facebook has a page called DashCam Owners Of Australia. 64 year-old Derryn Jones, a pioneer of the DashCam craze, had tried numerous hobbys over the years, including cycling, jet []

The post Baby Boomer Finds Purpose In Life Through DashCam Owners Australia Facebook Page appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:31

New Research Indicates Deodorant Is The Best Way To Hide The Fact That Youve Just Had A Durrie "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact Smokers across the nation are today rejoicing at the ground-breaking results of a decade-long study into how best to mask the smell left behind after smoking a cigarette. The study, carried out by Australias lead scientific body, CSIRO, indicates that spraying Lynx deodorant 2cm-8cm away from your index []

The post New Research Indicates Deodorant Is The Best Way To Hide The Fact That Youve Just Had A Durrie appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Journalists Stunned as Rooney Fails to Throw Own Excrement Live on TV "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Middle class journalists have reacted in shock to Wayne Rooney speaking articulately on the subject of Association Football, without once resorting to mimes, crayons, or hurling his own kebab-ridden faeces at fellow presenter, Jamie Carragher.

For the entirety of this weeks Monday Night Football, I sat open-mouthed in shock at the sight of Wazza expressing himself via the medium of nouns, verbs and even adjectives, declared Hugo Pollock-Tudbury of The Times, rather than by an angry and confused series of Neanderthal grunts. A triumph not only for scousers, but poor people in general.

Although I didnt like his suit, it was a bit blingy-blingo for my tastes. Still, money cant buy you taste!, added Pollock-Tudbury, while wiping crumbed crab off of his amuse-bouche encrusted red chinos.

Other reporters reacted to Rooneys apparently stunning use of brain cells with a vague mixture of admiration and jealousy:

How Wayne has found time to master his first language while playing top-flight football, going daan the bookies and presumably breeding illegal weapon dogs, while having to go back and forth to the end of the garden every time he relieves himself of the Lidl value lager he must guzzle between dodging benefits is astonishing, commented Marquis Sebastian Grindlebert IV of the Daily Mail.

Although, Grindlebert simpered, I find it hard to believe that darker forces were not at play. Was Wayne made to learn his words by flashcard in advance, and forcibly stuffed into a punditry suit for the benefit of the viewers, like some kind of football-loving King Kong? I simply find it hard to believe that somebody who can play football and probably deliver other physical tasks to an outstanding degree, is also capable of excelling in morehuman characteristics. If so, I might have to consider the idea that the comprehensive schoolchildren who used to throw their Dairlyea Dunker cheese at me on my walk past the poorhouse, might actually be my equal. And thats something I cannot and will not do.

Rooneys current manager, Sam Allardyce, is believed to have told sources that he alone is responsible for the intelligence displayed in Rooneys television performance but will dismiss any personal responsibility should the Everton forward fail to pass the first round of this years Celebrity Mastermind.

jamesrobert92

00:19

Middle-Class Stoner Moves Onto Hitchens After Lengthy Bill Hicks Phase "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Change is in their air in South Betoota as basement dweller Marty Muzza Willis (19) finally discovers Christopher Hitchens after an intense ten-month long, bong-fueled Bill Hicks phase. He was one of the last good ones you know what I mean? he said. Thingsaaaahpeople listened you know? After ploughing through all the []

The post Middle-Class Stoner Moves Onto Hitchens After Lengthy Bill Hicks Phase appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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