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Wednesday, 08 August


Elvis, JFK and John Wayne to be canonised following shock Vatican announcement "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

News has emerged from The Vatican this evening leaving Catholic commentators stunned, as in a surprise move His Holiness Pope Francis has announced the immediate beatification of Elvis, John F Kennedy and John Wayne, confirming in a Papal Bull they will be subsequently canonised at a ceremony this December in St Peters Basilica.

The move is being interpreted as a sop to placate Irish Catholics, in an attempt to boost the churchs dwindling numbers as Mass attendance thought the country has been plummeting in recent years.

Siobhan Hennessy from Galway said: Holy Mother of God, but sure this is great news altogether now. We have had a shrine to them all in our house since we were children, and after the Mammy and Daddy passed away, God rest their souls, me and my husband Sean have kept the tradition going for our fifteen kids. Every Saturday night at six, after watching our DVD of The Quiet Man, we play Elviss American Trilogy watch JFKs Berlin speech and then say prayers and place little gifts at the shrine.

But the news is not playing well in other parts of Ireland with The DUP slamming the move. I object to this in the strongest possible terms, says Leader Arlene Foster. Elvis and John Wayne should not become the property of Catholics as Ulster Protestants enjoy Elviss music and we love John Waynes cowboy movies too, so we do.

We dont want our enjoyment of these icons tainted by any papish associations. However as Kennedy was a philandering gobshite, then as far as God-fearing protestants are concerned them Catholics are welcome to keep the two-timing hoor master bastard for themselves.


EXCLUSIVE: Barnaby Joyce Book Excerpt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


Weatherboard And Iron: An Excerpt

I remember seeing her walk across the office and I thought, gee I wouldnt mind having a crack at that.

Later in the copy room after a swig or 3 of Dutch courage I managed to mumble to her: Do you root? To which she replied: Not usually me boss but youve talked me into it you silver tongued bastard.

From that first encounter came a new chapter in my life, one that has definitely had its ups and downs. If you know what I mean.

Being a parent is hard. Being a parent in the spotlight is even harder. People may think $150k is a lot of scratch to get for an interview but its not when you have families to feed.

I remember the day of the exclusive interview with Channel 7. I hadnt been that nervous since I was in the Doctors surgery waiting for the paternity results.

As they set up the cameras I remember saying to myself, now Barnaby dont mess this up. You can fake knowing how to bathe and change a baby whilst talking about your favourite subject. Yourself.

I do worry about young Sebastians future, things are different now. In the good old days, hed eventually take over the family business of being a member of Parliament just like his alleged Dad.

But those days are gone now. We saw at the recent by-election young Georgina Downer had her inheritance taken away from her. The seat of Mayo has been in her family for generations. But not anymore alas. I worry for the youth of tomorrow.


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Tuesday, 07 August


Opinion: Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Im typically a pretty middle-of-the-road person, so just hear me out. I dont like radical politics and I think if we all respect and listen to each other we can come together and find a middle ground on just about any issue. That said, Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah!

And I will not back down from that statement.

Dont even try to change my mind on this. Gun control? Abortion? Campaign finance reform? I can see the reasoning on all sides. But when it comes to Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah, I refuse to budge.

I will not apologize for my stance on this issue.

I have never met a person in my life who has been able to convince me otherwise. I think about this issue night and day just to be sure Im in the right about this. And every time I come back to the same conclusion: Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah.

I know everyone always gets in Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah debates on social media and I get that its annoying. But its a debate worth having and I know in my heart of hearts that Im right about this issue.

Some people even think we should ban Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah, which is obviously prosperous. Im willing to listen to others discuss perhaps restrictions on Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah but even still, I just get so fired up emotionally because this can lead to a slippery slope. Say we implement common sense laws restricting Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah but where will it lead? Temporary Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah bans? An Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah exchange program? Rounding up all Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ahs and removing them by force? Not in my country.

You can pry my Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah from my cold dead heads.

I try to be reasonable about this issue, but where does it end? Its in situations like this where I remember the famous quote, First they came for the Baw-wit-da-bas, and I did not speak out Then they came for the Click Click Booms, and I did not speak out Then they came for the Boom Boom Pows, and I did not speak out Then they came for me.

Lets all try to take a lesson from the mistakes of our past. Lets be reasonable, pull together and, grrrrrrrrrr- Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah!

The post Opinion: Ooh Wah Ah Ah Ah! appeared first on The Hard Times.


Discovery of Welsh skeletons at Stonehenge proves Wales was a dump even then "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Archaeologists in Wiltshire have carried out DNA analysis on 5000 year old human remains discovered near Stonehenge and discovered they originally came from Wales. A spokesman explained; The fact that people were prepared to travel on foot from Wales to a windswept plain in the middle of nowhere is strong evidence that living in Wales must have been as bad then as it is now. Believe me, I spent a week in Swansea one evening and Im still trying to recover.


Divorce Lawyers Staff Up for Overcooked 2 Release "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON   The nations divorce lawyers have begun hiring extra paralegals, interns, and temps to compensate for the spike in filings expected to accompany todays release of popular couch co-op video game Overcooked 2. The franchise first debuted in 2016, and the spate of divorce cases that followed caught the industry by surprise.

We called that the Summer From Hell, said Jocelyn Davis, President of the American Association of Matrimonial Lawyers. Day after day, hour after hour, we kept seeing cases for irreconcilable Overcooked co-op with cheeseburger construction on level 4-3 in particular serving as a flashpoint for domestic strife.

With even more high-stress, timed levels requiring extensive communication and teamwork, Overcooked 2 stands to pose a very serious risk for married couples prone to bickering. Davis explained that the addition of online multiplayer, as well as a throwing mechanic, all stand to further jeopardize the stability of players relationships.

Adding online multiplayer may make sense from a business perspective, but for marriages, its going to be disastrous. Imagine having a vocal third-party acting in bad faith every time you fight with a spouse or partner, she said. Its going to be a very busy summer.

At press time, many lawyers reported quitting their jobs after getting into arguments with coworkers while doing background research playtesting of Overcooked 2.

The post Divorce Lawyers Staff Up for Overcooked 2 Release appeared first on The Hard Times.


Band Can Just Set Up Under the Big Screen Behind the Pool Table Over There "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The assistant manager of Rockys Tavern told celebrated Bloomington, Ind. indie-rockers Silverdream that they could just set up under the big screen behind the pool table over there for their show last night, according to several members of the band.

Yeah I told them they could throw their gear over there in that corner, but I also told them they sure as hell better not stack anything on top of the pool table. We just put new felt on that, said assistant manager Dave Turlaine, lighting a cigarette and watching the Tennessee-Florida college football game on the big projector screen while speaking with Silverdream. I also let them know they get two drink tickets for the band to split, and that were charging for water tonight.

Other patrons of Rockys, mostly wearing burnt-orange Tennessee Volunteers athletic apparel, were reportedly completely uninterested in Silverdream, until their auxiliary percussionist wheeled in his trademark Racket Rack which included a xylophone, mini-gong, and windchimes and blocked half of the giant screen showing the game.

Is this gonna be some dumbass hippie music or something? asked one patron, who insisted on anonymity. I dont come out to Rockys to see some college kids read bullshit poetry; I come here because its walking distance from my house, and I just got a third DWI.

Either way, they better shut the fuck up during the game, the patron later added.

Eyewitnesses confirmed that, following some light boos during their soundcheck, the members of Silverdream largely cowered in a corner booth for the next couple of hours.

I told [Silverdream] not to get offended if they hear some hollerin at random times this is a big SEC matchup, and we sure as fuck aint turning the TV off, said Turlaine, blowing his bulbous nose into a cocktail napkin before yelling at departing barbacks about a day-shift tip-out dispute. Also, I handed them some fliers with our drink specials that they could pass around before they play. I think thatll help them connect more with the folks here.

At press time, the bassist for the Best of Bloomington 2017: Band of the Year was playing darts with the banjo player from local opener Mountain Town, while Turlaine was trying to reach the owner of Rockys to find out where she put the dang keys to the utility closet, where we keep the speakers and stuff for the music people.



This 7 seconds of kids football went viral because its just so perfect "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Most entertaining 7 second of football youll see this season. Or possibly any season.

If Quentin Tarantino directed football matches.



A Trump fan said this about sexual harassment and this womans comeback will have you cheering "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well, maybe not cheering out loud, but definitely in your head, after a 29-year-old conservative and #MAGA fan called Craig or @lordofsnowflake if you prefer said this in an exchange on Twitter.

Well, its one way of trying to make American great again. And this womans reply was just A+++.

And it didnt end there.







This lad passed his exams but really didnt want to be kissed by his mum on live TV "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weve probably all had a moment or two like this in our lifetimes, when you reach a certain age when you really wish your mum wouldnt do this anymore.

Especially if youre on live breakfast TV.

Ha! Perfect. Its his little headshake at the end that we like best.

There you go, that will embarrass you for the rest of your life.

Shell be laughing on the other side of her face when he tells her hes going to take a year out instead.


The post This lad passed his exams but really didnt want to be kissed by his mum on live TV appeared first on The Poke.


Middle Class Parents Buy Houses in Best Cocaine Catchment Areas "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

House prices in areas with the best drug dealers have risen sharply as middle class parents compete for crack cocaine rated as outstanding by Ofsted. Estate Agents in England and Wales have reported an increase in buyers willing to pay a premium to get their kids some quality Charlie, with less well-off parents effectively priced out of the cheap shit market.

According to the Royal Institute of Chartered Estate Agents, house prices within the hood of a popular dealer can be as much as 20% higher than in cribs where your fam is vexed by the feds.

A spokesman said: It may seem selfish to move into a community where you have no intention of staying, just to get hold of some good shit, but wouldnt you do the same for your own children?

Illicit drug use has long been associated with poverty, alienation, and gang culture. Now experts are warning the situation is being made much worse by unfair stamp duty, variable interest rates, legal fees, and lack of on-street parking. According to the Metropolitan Police Vice Squad, some middle class parents have become so desperate they have even resorted to shopping at Asda. The supermarket has been severely criticized by social campaigners for placing Anti-Middle Class spikes on pavements.

With drug dealers offering Crche Facilities and fair trade crystal meth, it looks like the problem, and house prices, are set to increase further.


Nadine Dorries bigged up Boris Johnson and this takedown was just ruthless "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The latest in an occasional series we like to call Nadine Dorries said , heres the Tory MP giving her considered take on Boris Johnson.

It started when her fellow Conservative MP Heidi Allen said this.

And Dorries tweeted this in response.

And, as usual, the replies were very satisfying indeed but none were better than this chap.





People are suggesting new Queer Eye scenarios and these 19 are brilliant "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If you havent seen Netflixs hit TV series, Queer Eye, youre in for a treat. The premise five gay men, each with a different area of expertise, turning up to sort out the life of a nominated individual is clearly amazing, but the enactment of it goes beyond even our high expectations.

Now that the concept has entered the hearts and minds of the public, it seems that people want to see it extended to other areas of life. These 19 ideas are ones we could probably get behind.






Best newspaper correction youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Not often you see a correction in the births column of a newspaper and people liked this one so much it went viral.

Beautifully done.


The post Best newspaper correction youll see this week appeared first on The Poke.


Watch James OBrien point out something Jacob Rees-Mogg might prefer to forget "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Jacob Rees-Mogg is one of the most outspoken Brexiteers, often reminding us that Brexit was the peoples choice in a democratic process. Hes the last person youd expect to support calls for a referendum on the UKs final negotiated deal, right? Wrong apparently.

A video clip has recently surfaced, showing the MP making the case for a final-deal referendum as a logical step in the Brexit process. LBCs James OBrien, a vocal campaigner against Brexit, commented on the clip on his radio show.

He comments

If ever you needed the little thread to pull from which the entire facade of Jacob Rees-Moggs fraudulent Brexit support can be unravelled, its this,

When the clip was shared on Twitter, people had plenty to say on the matter.


IS still decades away from mastering Tetris "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Despite their best attempts to demolish the Temple of Bel, the Islamic State has been unable to explode a variety of stacked geometric shapes. Although the historical city of Palmyra boasts more than 1,000 columns, 500 tombs and many coloured squares the military group has repeatedly topped out to the soundtrack of the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.

Touring the Middle East, IS had hoped to destroy a myriad antiquities with their quick fingered mastery of Nintendos NES and a huge quantity of explosives. However, the increasing speed with which these ancient ruins have appeared, have made it impossible to keep up. One terrorist commented: Wed been hoping to level up but we just seem stuck on this medieval zone which any five year old could master.

Last week, IS blew up the much smaller Baalshamin temple, but many claim they used cheat codes. The caliphate knows it is under a timer to complete as many lines as possible before the end of the game or drone strike as it is called.

The UK-based Syrian Observatory for Human Rights monitoring group said: Parts of the Middle East (or Blocks) are falling faster to IS but at the same time Sunnis are struggling to manoeuvre around falling debris. To date, Tetris remains the most ported video game in history; while fundamentalism remains the most copied brand of stupidity, since the dawn of time.


Did Alison Moyet have the most civilised Brexit discussion the internet has ever seen? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If theres one thing guaranteed to start a row on the internet and there is its Brexit. In fact, Brexit, the EU, anything to do with the original referendum, the prospect of a second referendum oh, and Jaffa Cakes are all likely to bring down Trollmageddon on any brave or foolish enough to mention them.

So, when singer Alison Moyet recently shared her opinion on having a referendum on whatever Brexit deal the negotiators hammer out, she must have been prepared for some strongly worded replies.

This is what she said.

Of course, not everyone agreed.

But one woman simply responded with a question.

And they then had what normal society calls a polite debate and Twitter calls no, wait Twitter doesnt call it anything because it doesnt know what it is.



Gender Equality Achieved As Dad Promises To Do More Chores As Long As Mum Remembers To Ask "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BOURKE | Editor | Contact Feminists everywhere met a bold new ally today as father of three Gary Leek (45) agreed to do more around the house on the condition his wife Debra leek (41) remembers to ask him. After recent statistics have shown Australian fathers do as little as 32% of household duties, Gary Leek has decided []

The post Gender Equality Achieved As Dad Promises To Do More Chores As Long As Mum Remembers To Ask appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Nigel Farage came out in support of Alex Jones and these are the only 13 replies you need "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Loathsome conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has a whole new conspiracy to get excited about after he was booted off nearly every social media site for violating community standards and posting hate content.

So this is what it feels like to wake up to a good news story.

Except not everyones happy. Alex Jones isnt happy, obviously.

And neither is Nigel Farage. Of course he isnt.

And here are the only 13 replies you need.





Someone added random Yahoo Answers quotes to InfoWars screenshots and they fit perfectly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As the list of social media companies removing Alex Jones and InfoWars posts from their platforms grew ever longer, writer Aaron Gillies, @TechnicallyRon to his Twitter friends, noticed something about the alt-right sites content.

Other people agreed with him and shared more examples.


Report Finds That Aunty Stacey Is Fucken Ropeable About Postponement Of P!NK Concert "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Editor | Contact Its fairly safe to say that Stacey Johnson (48) is has been left down by one of her all-time idols. The mother of 3 has spent months looking forward to seeing the Queen of Middle Aged Suburban Punk Rock, P!nk. So when the rockstar postponed her show last week citing health reasons, Johnson []

The post Report Finds That Aunty Stacey Is Fucken Ropeable About Postponement Of P!NK Concert appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Someone ordered a Tardis cake for his brothers birthday but it wasnt quite what he hoped for "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres someone called Billy Bell who wanted to do something special for his brothers 40th birthday. Hes a big Doctor Who fan so they thought theyd get him a Tardis birthday cake. What could possibly go wrong?

Answer: this.

Close, but no sonic screwdriver. It was (almost) worth it, however, for the conversation that followed.







Wealthy Older Man Begins Wearing Round Spectacles In Declaration Of His Left-Wing Views "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact For Ross Wylett (68), maintaining progressive political views is much harder than it is for most bleeding heart lefties. For one, hes made a lot of money out of the workers. And two, hes a rich old white man who lives in a suburb that puts fairy lights in the trees for no []

The post Wealthy Older Man Begins Wearing Round Spectacles In Declaration Of His Left-Wing Views appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Alex Jones has been booted off social media our favourite 19 responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Videos and podcasts by Alex Jones and InfoWars were removed from several online platforms on Monday. Facebook, YouTube, Apples iTunes and Spotify all described the removal as being in response to repeated violations of their terms of service relating to content.

Some people got all hot under the collar about freedom of speech, forgetting that InfoWars is still free to use the internet, has its own website and can peddle its intelligence pills as much as it wants on there.

These 19 reactions are as unsympathetic as youd expect.







A woman said this about her ghost lover and these 13 replies are scarily good "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres someone called Amethyst Realm who you might remember when she appeared on ITVs This Morning to talk about her ghost lover.

Anyway, it turns out things have moved on since then, reports the Daily Mirror.

Heres what she had to say.

One day, while I was walking through the bush, enjoying nature, I suddenly felt this incredible energy. I knew a new lover had arrived. Its pretty serious. In fact, weve even been thinking about having a ghost baby.

I know that sounds crazy but Ive been looking into it and I dont think its totally out of the question.

Well at least we can all agree on one part of that last sentence. And here are our favourite replies online.






Steve Price Provides Well-Informed Opinion On Whatever He Thinks Will Fire Up The Boomers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Prominent talkback personality and completely unaccomplished post-war Australian Steve Price has appeared on a popular TV panel show tonight to provide balance to an otherwise mutually agreed upon topic of common sense. And by balance, they mean a well-informed opinion, that is based around saying exactly the opposite of what the women and []

The post Steve Price Provides Well-Informed Opinion On Whatever He Thinks Will Fire Up The Boomers appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Small Town Accountant Smashes Stereotypes And Seeks Pre-Selection For The Nationals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A mildly-popular Selwyn accountant has taken the next logical step in his career and has taken the necessary steps to seek pre-selection for The Nationals in the federal seat of Kennedy in Central Queensland. Though its been held by Bob Katter since 1993, local small business owner Graham-Albert Stevensonson feels he is in with []

The post Small Town Accountant Smashes Stereotypes And Seeks Pre-Selection For The Nationals appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Cruel Grandkids Eating Corn On The Roof Trick Pop Into Thinking The Drought Has Broken "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Editor | Contact In an unfortunate turn of events today, a poor local grandpas ears were playing tricks on him. As the cruel drought gripping the country bites harder and harder, a grandpa on a property out of town thought he might have heard some relief. Sitting out on the verandah, enjoying a lunchtime cup of []

The post Cruel Grandkids Eating Corn On The Roof Trick Pop Into Thinking The Drought Has Broken appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Sky News Admits It Was Wrong To Air Interview With Serial Backpacker Murderer Ivan Milat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact After a heavy backlash from viewers, Sky News Australia says it was wrong to air an interview with convicted serial killer and current inmate at Goulburn Supermax, Ivan Milat. The former Belanglo State Forest-based road worker was invited onto the Adam Giles Show for a studio interview and spoke with the former Northern Territory chief []

The post Sky News Admits It Was Wrong To Air Interview With Serial Backpacker Murderer Ivan Milat appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Study Finds 90% Of Bahn Mi Chilli Is Confined To The Final Bite "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The team from one of the nations peak scientific bodies had today handed down their findings in a recent landmark study into the concentration and location of chilli within a Vietnamese pork roll. And what the study has uncovered will send a shiver down your spine. Speaking candidly to []

The post Study Finds 90% Of Bahn Mi Chilli Is Confined To The Final Bite appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Fairly Standard Quarter Life Crisis Put Down To Toxic People "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A local Betoota woman who doesnt like her job, is having a pretty textbook falling out with a few of her girlfriends, and is still reeling from a bit of a messy break up, has decided that all of her woes come down to the fact that she has too many toxic people []

The post Fairly Standard Quarter Life Crisis Put Down To Toxic People appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Threat Of African Gangs Has Halved Since By-Elections, Analysis Shows "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

melbourne gangs

African gangs are no longer a threat in Melbourne, with analysis showing activity has dropped off markedly since the super Saturday by-elections in late July.

In the lead up to the by-elections Melbourne was subject to daily raids, attacks and looting by black people. Since 28 July there has not been a report of such an incident.

Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton agreed the gangs were no longer a threat, but expected criminal activity to increase in the lead up to the Victorian state election in November, and again before the federal election next year.

This violence comes in waves. Its a very distinct pattern that coincidently ties closely to the election cycle, he said. Its almost as if these gangs increase their activity when they know theres an important election coming.


Theresa May buys up all the gaps in Toblerones to shore up Brexit strategy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Prime Minister Theresa May has snapped up all the gaps between the triangles of chocolate in Toblerones, it has been revealed today. The news comes just weeks after manufacturer Mondelez International announced that it was reducing the distance between chunks of the distinctively shaped white confectionary and was reverting to its original shape.

Whilst there are already clearly loads of holes in the governments Brexit strategy, in recent weeks, the Prime Minister has become increasingly concerned about the further gaps that keep appearing, admitted on government insider. By buying in a fire sale from Toblerone now, we can effectively future-proof ourselves against the additional holes that are inevitably going to be blown into our proposals over the next 8 months.

The government is now looking for other chocolate-related partnerships to help it navigate tricky Brexit negotiations. Dominic Raab is thought to be brokering a sponsorship deal with Double Decker, describing the pillowly nougat and chocolate combination as an ideal metaphor for the sort of soft border we are looking for in Ireland. The Department for Exiting the EU is already thought to have stockpiled millions of bars of Fudge ahead of next Marchs deal deadline.

Key Cabinet figures have also been given new nicknames by the PM. Gavin Williamson will be known as the Wispa, promising much but ultimately full of air, whilst Liam Fox is described by May as a Flake, crumbly and in bits all over the floor after Ive finished with him.. Meanwhile, Jacob Rees Mogg is a total twat, the PM announced, before confirming that there was no chocolate bar going by this name.

Meanwhile it has been confirmed that the Snickers bar will now be used as the official chocolate bar of the Tories, with its odd mixture of ingredients, some highly unpalatable, with plenty of nuts.


Homeless Man Spends Night Sleeping In CEOs Mansion To Get Authentic Feel Of What Its Like To Have Bags Of Money "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mosman Mansion.jpg

A homeless Sydney man has described spending the night snoozing cosily in a $10 million Mosman mansion as part of the annual Vinnies Tramp Sleepin as a sobering experience.

Ive got a newfound admiration for how tough it is to have so much choice of what to watch on your wide screen tv, said long term rough sleeper Phillip Hartnell. Initially I curled up to sleep in the doorway of the bedroom before realising I was supposed to bunk down on top of the bed under the goose feather doona.

Participants coped with a full night in the indoors with only a complimentary pair of silk pyjamas to wear and a fridge full of Bollinger to keep them nourished.

At one point in the night a chill wind swept through the house and I had to flop my hand out from under the doona to flick the elec...

Monday, 06 August


Physicists Replace String Theory With Fidget Spinner Theory "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Claiming that String Theory, the theory that the universe is composed of tiny strings which behave like both waves and particles, makes too much sense, and is too intuitive, and must therefore be false, physicists at a big impressive conference met a...


9-Piece Pop Punk Band in Matching Clown Outfits Need New Plan After Cancellation of The Chris Gethard Show "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BROOKLYN, N.Y. Local pop punk band Red Nose, which features nine musicians who all dress as clowns with intricate circus-based backstories, were reportedly dismayed to learn that their one chance at stardom getting booked as the musical guest on The Chris Gethard Show was eliminated with the announcement of the shows cancellation.

I absolutely love the work we have been doing with Red Nose, but this was our one fucking shot and now its too late, lead singer Dokie the Clown told reporters. Without The [Chris] Gethard Show, where are bands like Red Nose, Toys and Tiny Instruments, and Handjob Academy supposed to get our big breaks? Jimmy Fallon?!

But hey, we put out fifteen terrific power pop albums in the last twenty-six years, he added. Thats something to really be proud of.

According to the shows host, Chris Gethard, Red Nose was the one band he was set on booking for the shows third season on TruTV.

Aw man, Im so bummed we couldnt get Red Nose on. Legit one of the best punk bands working today; they really cut their teeth right here in New York, Chris Gethard wrote in his fandoms Facebook group. One time I went to a show they put on at Death by Audio where one of the tuba players pulled a series of ribbons out of an audience members throat. It was by and large one of the craziest experiences of my life. That wasnt even the weirdest thing that happened at the show, but the entire audience is sworn to secrecy about the rest of the night.

Their drummer Dumpling is this guy I know from my time at Rutgers and he is one of the best people I have ever met, Gethard continued. The band started in the 90s, but this guy Dumpling has been in full clown make-up every single day since 1972. He didnt even start the band, he joined in 04.

At press time, the nine members of Red Nose began working on a plan to get invited to play on next years Warped Tour.

The post 9-Piece Pop Punk Band in Matching Clown Outfits Need New Plan After Cancellation of The Chris Gethard Show appeared first on The Hard Times.


Trump: Golden showers are not against the law "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Follow Stubhill News on Twitter and Facebook for the latest news.


5 Comics to Watch, Like Keep an Eye on Them and Cover Your Drink "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

OWelcome to the official Hard Style list of comics to watch. Not so much for their comedic sensibilities, but to like keep an eye on them and cover your drink. We spoke to dozens of comedians, industry insiders, comedy club bookers, and people with a generally keen eye for creeps. We are compelled to tell you about these comedians, because to not do so might leave us with some sort of criminal liability.

Cole McCulver
Few can pull off the handsome-yet-dead-in-the-eyes look of Cole. Did you recognize this guy from his 10 minutes on stage? Nope, you remember him as the guy who bought the drink no one could identify and sent it indiscriminately to anyone at your table. McCulver is so good looking that you wont believe the accusations against him until theyre in the triple digits. Looks can be deceiving and so is Cole so watch out!

Asher Nunez
Asher is a self-proclaimed life-changing mentor to young comedians. He is also a scene-proclaimed guy who drunkenly tells any female comic in sight how her jokes should go. He can usually be found in the front of the venue pretending hes taking a phone call in an effort to talk one on one with any women who happen to walk by. Nunez also volunteers at local high schools to encourage girls to pursue comedy.

Mallory Hidson
Mallory proves she can hang with the boys. Mostly because she too uses her clout in the comedy world to trick younger comics into doing things they dont want to do. Shes also the one leaking screenshots of even the most secure womens comedy groups.

Mac Adgerlee
Hes not actually a predator, but he is a guitar comic so ugh.

Frank Tapina
Frank picks up right where Louis CK left off. He has the dark, self-loathing humor, the red hair, and he even has a black t-shirt, so its best to assume hes going full method. Just meet up with him in a public place if you have to or at least have an alternate escape route planned out in case the front door is blocked for some reason.

The post 5 Comics to Watch, Like Keep an Eye on Them and Cover Your Drink appeared first on The Hard Times.


True Crime Podcast Solves Case of How Listeners Can Get 20 Percent off of First Blue Apron Order "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

PITTSBURGH The investigative true crime podcast Shes Not There has finally solved the mystery of how listeners can save 20 percent on their first order from Blue Apron after 170 episodes and many in-show advertisements, multiple sources confirmed.

The show was originally conceived as an in-depth exploration of the unsolved murder of April Maddox, an aspiring actress from small-town Pennsylvania. That was way back before we had any sponsors, explained Louise Barnes, who hosts Shes Not There with co-host Matt Garcia.

Weve gone deep on stuff like Aprils alleged affairs with married men, her fathers rumored mafia connection even the possibility of a police cover-up, said Garcia from his home recording studio. So far, weve found no solid leads and the case remains as cold as ever, but at least we know were letting our audience in on some great deals.

However, the show does have some critics including Roy Colburn, a Pittsburgh-based private investigator who worked with the victims family.

Theyre dicking around with dead-end leads and interviewing bored yokels who pass the time repeating stupid rumors. If some hooplehead said April Maddox was offed by an Amish contract killer, theyd go to Lancaster County and dig into it, said Colburn. I guess the ad revenue must make it worthwhile for them to crap out as many episodes as they can. I used the discount code myself, and I wasnt disappointed.

One popular episode, dedicated to a description of the crime scene, was underscored by foreboding atmospheric music, with Barnes and Garcia recounting the hasty dismemberment and expressionistic blood splatter.

That made for a really graceful segue into Matts testimonial about the panko-breaded chicken thighs with raspberry-chipotle drizzle he made for his girlfriend, which she absolutely adored, said Madhu Mangiani, a Blue Apron representative. We also have vegetarian and vegan options to meet any dietary needs.

Meanwhile, Barnes remains optimistic about the podcast and its effect on the case.

I still believe well uncover the truth though, somehow, I feel weve got a lot more episodes left to do before we get there, Barnes said. One thing I do know for sure: if you want to cook great meals at home, you should head to Blue Apron and use the code NotThere20 at checkout.

The post True Crime Podcast Solves Case of How Listeners Can Get 20 Percent off of First Blue Apron Order appeared first on The Hard Times.


No-deal Brexit breaks EU laws, say MPs giving up UKs right to take EU to court "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MPs who fought tooth and nail to remove the UKs ability to challenge the EU in the ECJ have said that, if we hadnt, the ECJ would definitely find the EU in breach its obligations toward the UK if its intransigence denies us a good Brexit deal.

Senior Whitehall sources have said that if the UK crashes out of Europe without a deal we will make it clear whose fault it wasbut, obviously, will have crashed out of Europe without a deal, sooooo, will have no recourse through the ECJBummer.

Its important whos fault it is, because if it was the EUs fault, then we could take them to the ECJ under Article 8 of the Lisbon Treaty, except that wed have foregone our rights under the Treaty, along with our right to be heard by the ECJ said leading Brexiter, barrack-room lawyer and part-time International Trade Secretary, Liam Fox. And, this is absolutely not my fault, or the fault of anyone else who pushed for Brexit without thinking about the consequences, its that Barnier and the unreasonableness of EU bureaucrats who wont change the EUs founding principles at the drop of a hat, despite their clear pledge not to change them


Insufferable Alien Brags About Running Human Universe Simulation on Linux "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

PLUCART SYSTEM Local alien Blixbor Raxorit once again boastfully yammered on about his Linux-based human life simulator called Earth, much to the chagrin of those within earshot, while hanging with friends at a bar after work.

Its like we get it Raxorit, you managed to get a complex organism simulation running on that open-source operating system you just love so much, but is there literally anything else going on in your life? said disgruntled friend Blrgh, according to close sources. Plus it crashes all the fucking time, almost wiping out all his precious coded life.

It was so goddamn funny to see him yelling in that whiny Raxorit voice My dinosaurs, my dinosaurs! Oh man we were rolling on the floor laughing. Motherfucker lost millions of years of work because of that comet bug.

Raxorit, however, thinks his compatriots just dont appreciate the nuances of his creation.

These plebes have become slaves to their software. I, on the other hand, through the power of Linux, am in my rightful place as master of my Raxorit said before being cut off by the sound of his Earth simulations error message indicating an aerial transport carrier had accidentally deleted itself and disappeared.

Sure, sometimes things go wrong. But the point of Linux is just to screw around and have fun, Raxorit explained. I might trash Earth soon and start a new one on a Raspberry Pi. Hell, maybe Ill do an intelligently designed universe on BeOS, instead of running my evolution algorithm again.

At press time, Raxorit was seen at the back of the bar fiddling with his Linux system and customizing his universes self-insert character named Elon Musk.

The post Insufferable Alien Brags About Running Human Universe Simulation on Linux appeared first on The Hard Times.


Anti-Poser CAPTCHA Asks User to Click Every Real Punk Band "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

SANTA CLARA, Calif. Local PacSun employee Patrick Pat Graham could not solve a captcha test Tuesday afternoon that asked him to click every real punk band, sources close to the outed poser confirmed.

He was trying to buy tickets to the Swingin Utters show, said Kate Fuentes, a bartender and Grahams roommate. I was leaving for my shift when he called me over to help him figure out why this thing doesnt think AFI is punk. I told him it was a photo from 2016, but he didnt seem to get it.

Its reportedly the second time Graham has failed the frustratingly loser-proof test this week.

On Sunday, I tried to open a new email account so I could get a discounted subscription to Kerrang, Graham admitted, heavy with indignation. And I clicked Fall Out Boy on the captcha, which I guess was wrong. I also selected what I thought was that band the Adicts, but my sister said it was just a still from This is England.

Web developer Martin Choi explained the thinking behind the new test.

We wanted to create a stronger captcha that only a true punk could easily pass. Much like machines, posers lack the sophistication it takes to holistically process visual information, said Choi. Were currently working on an aural version, so the visually-impaired punk community can also better protect their information.

Once locked out of the Eventbrite website, Graham allegedly searched for a message board to find answers to these punishingly difficult captchas.

I figured the /r/PopPunkers subreddit would be filled with people who experienced the same issues, Graham said. But before I could sign up for a Reddit account, the same goddamned captcha showed me a bunch of pictures of totally indistinguishable bands. Like, one had a frontman wearing big, dorky glasses and a blank T-shirt. How is that punk?

At press time, an anonymous source reported that Graham had given up on the concert tickets, and was instead planning to join Marvel Unlimited to start getting into comics. This effort, too, was allegedly stymied when a captcha asked Graham to select all original Guardians of the Galaxy.

The post Anti-Poser CAPTCHA Asks User to Click Every Real Punk Band appeared first on The Hard Times.


Boris Johnson compared women in burkas to bank robbers and these are the only 9 responses you need "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Boris Johnson was trending again today although not for the reasons you might have hoped after the once and future Tory leadership wannabe compared women wearing burkas to bank robbers.

Johnson said it was absolutely ridiculous that people should choose to go around looking like letter boxes.

And here are the only 9 responses you need right now.






Actress Maxine Peake had the perfect comeback when the Daily Mail accused her of hypocrisy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Daily Mail accused actress Maxine Peake of hypocrisy for doing the voiceover for an NHS recruitment advert while also criticising the government for not funding it properly.

It quoted Tory MP Simon Hart as saying this.

It is hypocritical to deliver attacks on the Government for cutting public spending and then pocket taxpayers money to voice over an advertisement for more nurses.

Now were not sure where to start, but fortunately Maxine Peake Silk, Criminal Justice, that rather good Black Mirror episode did and delivered this stunning comeback online.



People have been confessing their most weird and wonderful lies and these are our 33 favourites "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

People have been sharing their most convincing lies after artist and Twitter royalty, Moose Allain, posted a confession about the time hed managed to con a gullible friend.

As is so often the case, it started a bit of a landslide of similar anecdotes and here are our 33 favourites.







Detectorist Unearths 5000 Year Old Satirical Joke "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An amateur detectorist has discovered an ancient satirical joke in a field in Wiltshire that could be as old as Stonehenge. The British Museum has confirmed the joke contains traces of Ted Heaths three day week, David Frost, and a hilarious reference to an Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty. Carbon dating places the joke firmly in the dark ages of British comedy, otherwise known as the Paleo-Motherinlaw period.

Dave Fletcher, an amateur historian, discovered the satire in a pile of bullshit just a few minutes before sunset. He said At first I thought I was holding a piece of crap, but gradually it fell away and I recognized a casually racist joke. My heart began to race. I knew it had to be as old as my mum, or even older.

The find has been declared Treasure Trove which means it will be split evenly with the land owner. A delighted Farmer Giles said When he asked to dig in my field I set my dogs on him. I get a subsidy for every rambler or detectorist I threaten to shoot. Lucky for me I missed. Now get off my land before I set my dogs on you!

The satirical joke will be auctioned at Sothebys next year and could fetch up to 500,000. Jim Davidson is expected to bid because he needs fresh material for his upcoming tour. Boom-boom! No, but seriously


This story of the perils of taking a Twix into the bedroom is hilarious and so beautifully told "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We are grateful to the good people of @B3ta for sharing this joyous story about the perils of taking a Twix into the bedroom.

And when we say taking a Twix into the bedroom, well, youll have to read it for yourself. Its a two-fingered treat (and, as you can imagine, NSFW but only if someones peering at your screen very close behind).

Think Ill have a Mars bar, please.



This womans so fed up being sent dick pics she now does this and it went viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its possibly an unfortunate consequence of her job that Ginger Banks appears to get sent a large number of unsolicited dick pics (not a phrase we often use, we know).

We only mention this because the adult movie actress has come up with a novel way of dealing with it which went wildly viral. This is it.

We can see why that might work. These people had other suggestions.







This takedown of a Daily Mail story went viral because its so devastating "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres someone called Marwan Muhammad who took issue with a story in Mail Online about illegal immigrants living in a part of Paris and the tensions in a community at odds with mainstream society.

Except they didnt just take issue with it, they pulled it apart line by line and it went viral because its so brilliantly done, a forensic deconstruction in 18 parts.





David Walliams asked people where his T-shirt was from and here are our favourite 13 replies "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We all know theyre just doing it for the publicity, but it still seems pretty reckless when a celebrity asks Twitter a question. The latest idiot star to do this is comedian, writer and talent-show judge, David Walliams.

Were not sure what he was expecting, but as a Twitter aficionado, he probably knew it would be stuff like these 13 replies.







This review of Suits by referee Mark Clattenburg deserves a red card "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Former Premiership referee, Mark Clattenburg, has made some bad decisions in his time, including all the ones that went against whatever team you support, no doubt. But his decision to agree to doing some reviews for a magazine may be his worst yet.

Telegraph and Short List writer, Darren Richman, shared this picture.

The main focus is his review of the American legal drama, Suits, which goes as follows.

Like anything on Netflix, once you watch a handful you just want to keep watching. Netflix is one of the best things ever invented. Suits is addictive. Living in Saudi Arabia, it helps me get over my boredom.

Its about lawyers in New York, but its shot in Boston. Its a drama that goes on and on, a bit like Coronation Street. You can re-watch it at any point and not have missed out, if you know what I mean.

You can see that theyve rushed the last one because they need Meghan Markle out of the show. She was a paralegal who married one of the associates who was a fraud.

It doesnt stop there, though. He also shared a partial anecdote about his love of Ed Sheeran, leaving out the information that he was suspended for not waiting for his fellow match officials when he left in a hurry to make the gig.

People were unimpressed.


North Korea still furious about Great British Bake Off "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The world has finally come to grips with the true cause of the military stand-off in the Korean peninsula that could yet cause a nuclear Armageddon. Sadly, it is no coincidence that all this is erupting precisely when the Great British Bake Off completed its controversial move to Channel 4, something bitterly opposed by Kim Jong-in, who is rumoured to have enjoyed the odd piece of cake in his time.

Pyongyang is continuing to threaten its neighbours in an attempt to overthrow what it is believed to regard as the universal symbol of Western decadence Sandi Toksvigs cheeky smile. Launching a missile over Japan is the latest military manoeuvre to destabilise Victoria sponges in that area.

North Korea has long supported the brutal, totalitarian regime of Mary Berry, accompanied by Mel & Sue, who are respectively seen as her repressive military arm and her soggy bottom. The pair themselves have shown no qualms using weapons of mass euphemism on their own people, often beating a double entendre to death in a slow, brutal torture that is deliberately spun out over several minutes.

A North Korean spokeswoman said between mouthfuls of state-sanctioned cake: In response to the US weaponising Channel 4 and disrespecting BBC-Un, we will be hurling rock cakes into Guam. Reports suggest that the North Korean Yellowcake research may only involve delicious buttercream frosting, but Pyongyang has retorted that none of the contestants on Bake Off would have any chance of making a plausible replica of Donald Trumps hair out of caramel.

The UN urged both sides get around the coffee table and agree some compromise cakes or at very least, a biscuit but refused to sanction the use of Noel Fieldings surreal brand of humour. Said one diplomat: If anyone is going to unleash a dirty bombe around here, it will be Paul Hollywood, and usually onto the chest of an intern.

Viewers in South Korea will have their own programmes, at least for a day or two.


After Barry Chuckle died this six year Twitter exchange will give you feelings "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Youll have seen the sad news that Barry Chuckle has died, aged 73. There have been no end of tributes many of which you can read here but we think this might be our favourite.

Six years. Six years!

Except it turns out they are not the real Paul and Barry.


Daft Limmy said this about Barry Chuckle and the BBC didnt get the joke

The post After Barry Chuckle died this six year Twitter exchange will give you feelings appeared first on The Poke.


How the Daily Mail predicted life in 2011 shows it never really changes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Daily Mail is well-known for certain things, such as claiming random items cause cancer, body-shaming celebrities, blaming immigration for everything thats wrong with the world, and bashing the Labour leader.

It isnt just about Jeremy Corbyn, though its whoever is Labour leader at the time.

They even had a stab at Ed Milibands father, who had served with the Royal Navy during World War II.

But, the DM Reporter, who trawls the Daily Mail for nonsense so we dont have to, has shared an old headline combining their twin loves of criticising Labour and scaremongering, with regards to a future under Tony Blair.


Most entertaining post-match interview youll see all season "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Were only one weekend in but this is the most entertaining post-match interview youll see all season. Its Leeds United manager Marcelo Bielsa, whos from Argentina.

Utterly hypnotic.

Not mocking, think its great.


Not gonna lie, I honestly thought J-Los trousers had fallen down "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone shared this picture of Jennifer Lopez because he thought her trousers had fallen down. So did we, Baz, so did we.

There was only one way this could be better. This.



Theres a cat hidden in this woodpile but it might take you 9 lives to spot it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone shared this picture online and it went viral because, well have a look for yourself.

Heres the challenge.

Bored? Lets play a game!

Retweet once you see the cat.

I swear this is not a trick. Its there in full plain sight.

And heres the picture.

Dont scroll down until youve spotted it. Or youve given up. Or youre just a bit bored.







Goofy Group Of Blokes On Boys Trip Propose Having A Few Beers In The Airport Bar Haha "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Even though it is nowhere near beer oclock, a bunch of lads on tour have decided it might be time to treat themselves to a brewski or two at the airport bar, haha. While excitedly chattering amongst themselves as they stride through the terminal, the lads appear to be absolutely ready-to-go, ahead of []

The post Goofy Group Of Blokes On Boys Trip Propose Having A Few Beers In The Airport Bar Haha appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


People cant believe this is West Broms new mascot our favourite 13 responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The new football seasons already started bit early for this sort of thing isnt it? but it was all worthwhile because this happened.

West Bromwich Albion have got a new sponsor which means theyve also got a new mascot and, well, have a look for yourself.

The teams new sponsor is Ideal Boilers and this is all you need to know.





This supernatural shark film is so bad it will make your jaws drop "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When Twitter user Rob, known as @ghoulcabin, spotted a film called Ghost Shark, he couldnt quite believe what he was seeing, and was pretty sure nobody else would either. He shared a few exquisitely bad clips.

As you can see, the title is very much of the does what it says on the tin school of thought. The thread went viral, powered by fans of the cult hit and those who were new to its compelling dreadfulness. With over 50,000 retweets, Rob made this observation.

Judging by these reactions, he may be right.


Defeated Vegetarian Forced To Pick The Meat Off 3AM Slice Of Pizza "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Her friends laughed when Miriam Blake said she wanted a Margherita. Saying shed a vegetarian was obviously a bridge too far, even as the kick-on wound down at the Betoota Heights sharehouse she and four other friends live in. Everyone, including Ms Blake, was starving. Thats according to Lucy Camberfield, who did the []

The post Defeated Vegetarian Forced To Pick The Meat Off 3AM Slice Of Pizza appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Andrew Gaff Grows A Beard And Skips Town "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact West Coast Eagles midfielder Andrew Gaff is officially on the run. After king hitting a bloke young enough to be sitting his year 12 exams in the near future, Gaff has rightly been copping a fair bit of heat. The Brownlow contender is in hot water for the punch that left young []

The post Andrew Gaff Grows A Beard And Skips Town appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Triple J Hoping No One Remembers The Time They Hosted That Same Nazi On National Television "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact After a heavy backlash from viewers, several high profile executives and personalities from Sky News Australia have resigned from the network after an interview with far-right nationalist Blair Cottrell was aired overnight. The former United Patriots Front leader was invited onto the Adam Giles Show for a studio interview and spoke with the []

The post Triple J Hoping No One Remembers The Time They Hosted That Same Nazi On National Television appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Work Friend Promoted To Real Friend After Weekend Hang Out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact You know what, he said. I know who loves the beach. Gary. Fuck it, Ill give him a ring and see if he wants to come. One of Sam Hattons favourite Sunday rituals is a quick dip in Lake Betoota followed by a nice, hearty brunch at the nearby []

The post Work Friend Promoted To Real Friend After Weekend Hang Out appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Mainstream Media Accused Of Trying To Stop Blair Cottrell From Rubbing One Out Over Hitler "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact An everyday Aussie that looks like he spends four hours a day in the gym and pronounces big words like theatre critic, has made headlines for his idolisation of a fascist historical figure that killed thousands of Australians. Prominent neo-nazi Blair Cottrell, and the six or seven political movements he has been aligned []

The post Mainstream Media Accused Of Trying To Stop Blair Cottrell From Rubbing One Out Over Hitler appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Turnbull Accidentally Hugs Own Staffer After Mistaking Her For Generic Akubra-Wearing Farmer "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact In great news for drought-stricken farmers, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has dusted off the old Akubra and made his way west of the Sydney Fish Markets for the first time since Barnaby Joyces frenzied by-election win. But this time, it wasnt to help ensure Barnaby Joyce was gainfully employed before he revealed to []

The post Turnbull Accidentally Hugs Own Staffer After Mistaking Her For Generic Akubra-Wearing Farmer appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


If You Cant Handle Me At My Worst, You Dont Deserve Me At My Best! Declares Local Trainwreck "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Waking up to a strangers ceiling yesterday morning, Declan Freisan said he was overcome by a familiar sense of impending dread. He told our reporters this morning in the 7/11 $1 coffee line this morning opposite the Robinson Road Bus Interchange that even though he knew hadnt done anything []

The post If You Cant Handle Me At My Worst, You Dont Deserve Me At My Best! Declares Local Trainwreck appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Liam Fox says falling off a cliff is more likely when you step over the edge. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

People who step over cliffs are far more likely to crash to the bottom, due to the intransigence of gravity, Liam Fox has claimed.  The international trade secretary put the chances of falling from a cliff at 60-40 if you step over the edge, despite previously claiming that doing a deal with the force of gravity would be the easiest thing in human history.

The prominent Brexiter said he believed the risk of falling off a cliff had increased, pinning the blame on gravity and on the 17th century English mathematician, astronomer, theologian and physicist, Isaac Newton, who insisted that the universal law of gravity couldnt possibly be changed just to suit Dr Fox and his fellow Brexiters.

I think its the intransigence of gravitys negotiator, Isaac Newton thats pushing us towards the edge, Fox told the Sunday Times. We have set out the basis in which a deal can happen but if Newton decides that the theological obsession of an unelected scientific law is to take priority over the wishes of the people of the UK then its going to lead to a cliff fall, and there is going to be just one outcome.

Fox insisted that Newton had dismissed the UKs proposals for zero, intermittent or partial gravity in the Chequers plan, thrashed out by Theresa May and the cabinet simply because we have never tried to defy gravity before. Brexit-backing Tory MP John Redwood, drawing on his experience as a Vulcan, added Getting out of the earths gravitational field can be quick and easy, and former Brexit Secretary David Davis added: Be under no doubt: we can do deals with gravity, and we can do them quickly, I think, but then Im not too bright when it comes to scientific things, or anything else for that matter. Boris Johnson muttered something about Icarus, followed by an uncharacteristic moment of silence, then well, maybe not in this hot weather.

The government has admitted its proposals are unprecedented, but Fox said Newtons unchanging attitude makes the chance of falling off a cliff even greater if we step over the edge.
Asked why Fox was still leading the UK towards the cliff edge, knowing that the risk of falling was increasingly high, Fox replied Its the will of the people we promised them we would defy gravity so we will, and I want to make it absolutely clear to the British public that the blame for any ensuing catastrophe lies entirely with gravity, Newton, Einstein, God, Brian Cox, Gary Lineker, indeed anyone, anyone but me.




Sky News Defends New Talk Show Hitler & Friends "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


Sky news has gone on the offensive to defend its new Sunday night talk show Hitler & Friends, calling critics of the shows, Inner-city, latte sipping Leftie elitists.

Look you Lefties only want to hear people who echo your own thoughts, said a Sky news Spokesperson. Hitler & Friends provides a fresh new voice. It gives a voice to the voiceless and it really makes you think.

When asked how a show could be hosted by a dead genocidal dictator the Spokesperson replied: Its amazing what you can do with holograms these days. Hitler will be a projection voiced by Andrew Bolt.

Hitler & Friends will debut towards the end of the month along with other new shows such as, Keeping up with the Oldfields and Two and Half Men starring, Paul Murray, Gerard Henderson and Caleb Bond.

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

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