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Saturday, 18 November

00:55

Architects just hate people "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Royal Institute of British Architects (RIBA) have revealed that its mission is to erode the human spirit through the abuse of concrete.  De-programmed RIBA members have described secret meetings where architects plot the destruction of the human soul through the design of individual buildings, public spaces and entire neighbourhoods which drive people closer to despair.

Eric (not his real name) is a former member, now earns a living selling crystal meth to schoolchildren: It takes over your life, architecture.  You dont realise what youre doing to people, everybody thinks the same thoughts, believes the same lies.  Now I look back and Im ashamed, really ashamed.  At least with the crystal meth Im only killing people one at a time, know what I mean?  Im not taking out an entire generation.  And the kids probably wouldnt need drugs if they lived somewhere nice.

We all had to practice DoubleThink.  It became second nature.  Like youd design some grey, ugly, massive concrete vomit and wed all call it beautiful.

Our headquarters was a lovely Georgian mansion surrounded by parkland.  Over the doors theyd carved: UGLINESS IS BEAUTY. LOVE IS HATE. WAYNE ROONEY IS AN INTELLECTUAL.

It was really hard being there, cos the place had sash windows.  We werent allowed to even THINK the words sash window, if they caught you thinking about them it was electric shocks, rats on your genitals, everything.  So we drew straws when a window needed opening.

Wed hold a Two Minutes Hate every week.  A picture of Prince Charles would be projected to ten, twenty times life size.  People would spit, punch the screen, shout obscenities, it was wild.  The Two Minutes Hate is the only thing I miss.  I watch X Factor, which comes close, but Simon Cowells no Prince Charles.

Eric goes quiet:  You wont publish my name, will you?  They never give up.  They tracked one runaway architect all the way to Leeds and dragged him screaming from his Edwardian terrace.  He lives in a neo-brutalist bunker now, just rocking back and forth.  Another one disappeared, I think hes in the foundations of a new church.  He knew something about Coventry the German bombers never got near it, apparently.  It was a wartime detachment of British architects just needed a city to play with after the war.

Eric strides towards the sash window and shudders before throwing it open:  I can do this now.  Whenever I please.  Sash window.  Sash window. S a a a a sh window.  Ive written a song all about sash windows and cornicing.  Do you want to hear it?

As I drive home past dejected shoppers trudging through ugly streets filled with concrete I cant get the tune of Erics song out of my head.  What if hes the sane one?

00:22

Friend Now Living In Melbs Orders Croissant Without Ham Or Cheese, Like The French Do "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

While out for coffee, visiting friend from Melbourne has turned heads today after ordering a croissant completely void of her usual ham and cheese, or as Sally Majcrowski (26)  referred to it: French style! Reports are emerging from her friends back home that Majcrowski could be on a health kick, noticing how she accompanied her []

The post Friend Now Living In Melbs Orders Croissant Without Ham Or Cheese, Like The French Do appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Friday, 17 November

17:30

Trump Hints at Moving in on North Korea Like a Bitch "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON A leaked recording of President Trump suggesting using military force on North Korea like a bitch was released anonymously late Monday evening, the Hard Times has learned.

The audio revealed a private conversation between Mr. Trump and conservative host Sean Hannity on a Fox News bus in April of this year. Kim Jong Kim Rocketman and North Korea. Were going to move on them like a bitch, Trump said.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to questions about the tape this morning.

I think that should be more than obvious. I think you can figure it out, Sanders told New York Times reporter Natan Keyes when he asked for clarification. I think the bigger question is why Hillary Clinton didnt move on Benghazi like a bitch when she had the chance. They let you do that when youre Secretary of State.

Americans are largely outraged.

Related:

Well, fuck! Jesus Christ, fuck. [Trump] is going to get us all killed, said Justin Maillet of Somerville, Mass. I need to reconnect with my buddy, Tom. He built a fallout shelter in the woods back in high school. I hope I can ride this out.

The transcript of the leaked tape.

However, some Americans support the Presidents comments, including actor Scott Baio, who posted on Facebook praising the tape. Its about time we stand up to this nation of foreigners, the statement read. Whether the President is talking about military action or metaphorical sexual assault of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, I s...

16:53

This guide to buying stuff will be accurate forever "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

At least we think its a guide to buying stuff, rather than something specific, like phones. Either way.

Ha! Us too.

The post This guide to buying stuff will be accurate forever appeared first on The Poke.

16:27

Today, Total Wipeout. Tomorrow, the world "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Are we sure this isnt just a bloke in a robot suit?

Okay, thats pretty impressive.

Happy Friday, everyone!

16:03

Frank Bruno giving advice to Sharon Horgan is an absolute knockout "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This is a show we clearly should have seen more of, something called Celebrity Advice Bureau in which, er, celebrities give advice to other celebrities.

Heres Frank Bruno Dr Bruno giving advice to Sharon Horgan and its so good we cant stop watching it.

Horgans as good at keeping a straight face as poor Frank isnt.

Ooh sugar I thought this was supposed to be a sports show, but okay, okay Sorry, Im laughing at something else, no problem. Sorry.

His face at the end.

The problem is my flaps have flopped down and gone dangly.

Source

The post Frank Bruno giving advice to...

16:00

Couple rescued from Rhyl mud flats complain holiday ruined by firefighters "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Wed walked the front, tried the pubs, been thrown out of the night clubs for being decently dressed, said Alan Smith after his rescue ordeal.  Then we noticed the mud flats brown, dank, flat and boring and realised that they were the best part of the town.  He said he and his wife Sandra ventured onto the flats and suddenly realised that their 5.50 a night holiday excursion wasnt totally overpriced after all.

When I lost my flip flop in the mud I was a little distraught, said Sandra, as that had been a gift from my nephew some years ago when hed outgrown it. But when I sank up to my groin in mud, with every movement driving me further and further literally into the mire I realised I may never see Rhyl town centre again.

It was a blessing OK, we were about to die a horrible death but at least we were responsible for it. I thought about dialling 999 once, but Im pretty low on my PAYG plan so thought Id leave it for the afterlife instead, said Alan. But now were safe and well in Rhyl town centre, he added before asking for the words safe and well to be omitted.

15:48

Trump Accused of Inappropriate Actions With Several Miners #Me*cough*Too "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Montgomery, WVPresident Donald Trump is being raked over the coals today after allegations have surfaced of strip steaks, strip clubs and strip mining. A handful of coal miners are alleging the president had inappropriate contact with them since Novembers election. These allegations have muddied the waters, even by West Virginia standards. Trumps own string of presidential tweets today only added fuel

15:23

New Zealand PM lauded for perfect Trump comeback "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump had this to say when he met the prime minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern.

And this is what happened next.

As opposed to oh yes, we remember.

This is how Ardern described her encounter.

I was waiting to walk out to be introduced at the east Asia summit gala dinner, where we all paraded and while we were waiting, Trump, in jest, patted the person next to him on the shoulder, pointed at me and said, This lady caused a lot of upset in her country, talking about the election.

...

14:30

Activist Spreads HPV Awareness, HPV "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LANSING, Mich. Activist and Human Papillomavirus carrier Trent Morgan has spent the last four years raising awareness about HPV while simultaneously spreading it to multiple unsuspecting partners, pissed off sources confirmed.

We met on Plenty of Fish. I thought his bio was interesting, said Laura Bergman, who encountered Morgan in April. We got drinks, and one thing led to another but then, I woke up next to a pamphlet about Podofilox, and I saw he blocked me on Facebook.

Morgan, a 26-year-old whose LinkedIn lists his most recent accomplishment as graduating from the School of Hard Knocks, acknowledged that not everyone agrees with his extreme techniques.

Look, Im a doer, said Morgan. People have always taken issue with uncommon methods of activism. People lost their shit when Gandhi stopped eating and fuck, you know? Im on my feet all day handing out literature about a disease Im rampantly spreading by night. Some guys would leave without saying anything, but I let these women know two things: that I have a severe latex allergy, and they should get a Pap smear.

All of Morgans former sexual partners reported theyd been completely aware of HPV and its side effects before encountering him.

Related:

At first, I was really upset, but you cant say his methods are ineffective, said Jacqui Moore, another woman whod spent an evening with Morgan. A year ago, I just had a casual knowledge of the disease now, Im basically an expert. Im in, like, three group chats about it. Well, theyre mostly for keeping tabs on [Morgan], but HPV comes up a lot, too.

Despite over one dozen women in greater Michigan registering formal complaints about Morgan, he remained steadfast in his work.

14 million people are newly infected every year, said Morgan. In fact, 100% of the girls Ive slept with now report having HPV. That is so fucked.

When asked about his plans for the future, Morgan expressed willingness to expand his scope.

People ask, how can I keep doing this to people? I cant walk away until this problem is addresse...

14:00

I May Disagree with Your Bawitdaba Da Bang Da Bang Diggy Diggy Diggy, but I Will Defend with My Life Your Right to Shake the Boogie Said up Jump the Boogie "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Never in history has the First Amendment been at risk more than it is today. From a president who openly mocks the concept of a free press to campuses that wont let noted intellectuals like Ann Coulter speak, its now more important than ever to speak out for our American ideals.

America is slipping, my friends, but we can do something. Its about time we stand together and say, unequivocally: I may disagree with your bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy, but I will defend with my life your right to shake the boogie said up jump the boogie.

We may not get each other. Whether youre a freak, a topless dancer, or a crackhead: you deserve just as much respect as a crooked cop or a bastard at the IRS. Dont let anyone tell you to turn down your music. Good men and women for hundreds of years have died for your right to pack your car with speakers. And God knows I know just as many heroes wearing a badge and putting in the hours on the beat as I do down at the methadone clinic.

Why then, is there such a gulf between us?

Related: New Kid Rock Album Served Between Two Fried Chicken Patties

 

Step Papa Roach a Little Younger and Cooler

 

Over the past 20 years weve all picked a direction and walked away from each other. We can hardly stand the sight of the horrors that are ravaging small-town America. It doesnt even matter if your veins are punctured, if you show up dressed a certain way, theyll throw you right out of an Applebees.

Who you shake the boogie said up jump the boogie with is no one elses business. Just be kind to yourself. At the end of the day, when you shake the boogie said up jump the boogie, all I ask is that you get in the pit and try to love someone.

 

Up Jump YOUR boogie with just buy our shirts:

13:31

Gives a whole new meaning to Animal Hospital "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Breaking news from the Metro newspaper, which reports that a man was taken to hospital after he got an eel stuck up his anus while he was drunk.

He refused to tell doctors how it got there.

Doctors said the Asian swamp eel had wriggled its way up the mans body and was causing a serious obstruction.

The eel a delicacy in coastal China was eventually removed from the mans body and he is now recovering in hospital.

The eel, removed at a hospital in eastern China, will be dining out on this story for weeks.

13:00

Mrs May safe and sound under house arrest by Zimbabwean Generals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Britains chaotic government needs order restored to it, which is why, now we have the Mugabe situation under control, we are taking over the British government. So said Major General Sibusiso Moyo after landing scores of Zimbabwean tanks in Dover in the early hours of yesterday morning, before heading to Whitehall, despite roadworks on the A2.

We have to save Mrs May from the criminals around her, continued Major General Moyo.  Especially the fat albino one and the oily squeaky one with glasses.  Many others in her government face legal proceedings or have fled, so regard this as a gentle offer of international aid, not a military coup.  Mrs May is safe and sound in No 10 Downing Street although we understand her husband Mr Philip Hammond may have fled to somewhere called The Isle of Wight.

In a joint broadcast with the A to ZBC Major General Sibusiso Moyo said to listeners in the UK and Africa:  It is my honour to save Britain from itself.  It is a land where sex greed and corruption have long run rampant, with a failing leader whose garish clothes and weak image in public tells the story of a dangerously vulnerable government about to enter into a catastrophic phase with its neighbours.  Meanwhile ordinary citizens are burned out of tower blocks and face unprecedented food shortages after migrant workers are being told they can no longer work on white-owned farms.

 

12:47

Doncaster council asks public to name its gritters and its todays best thing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Undeterred by all that Boaty McBoatface palaver, someone at Doncaster council thought it would be a good idea to do this. And youll be very glad they did.

Heres how the semi-finals went. Theres four of them, but, well, anyway.

12:32

This guy has read Michael Flatleys autobiography so you dont have to and heres the funniest bits "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Enjoy this epic 45 tweet thread from @demarionunn who has done all this hard work of digesting Michael Flatleys terrible autobiography into digestible morsels just for you.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

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12:00

Bethesda Employee Dead After Attempting to Port Skyrim Onto Own Body "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ROCKVILLE, Md. Bethesda Softworks employee Herbert Naples died today after attempting to transfer Skyrim, a popular fantasy video game, onto his body, according to sources close to the scene.

Naples heart stopped after surgically replacing it with the Cell microprocessor, a hardware component featured in the PlayStation 3 gaming console.  His colleagues called for an ambulance, but it was too late.

I just dont understand how this could have happened, said one employee, who wished to remain anonymous.  He seemed fine, delighted even, when his irises were projecting the towering stonescape of Markath onto our office wall.  We could hear the bustle of the marketplace emerging from the back of his throat, where we had installed the audio output.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

But he died doing what we all yearn for. Porting Skyrim to the final frontier: the human body. It was a noble sacrifice any of us would have made, said the employee to police.

The game did not run successfully in his body for long, however, and soon both Naples frame and heart rates had dropped to disastrous lows. He passed shortly after, leaving many Bethesda employees wondering if they shouldve approached the project differently.

Looking back, we probably should have consulted a doctor or something before we went for this, said Sylvia Brown, a developer at Bethesda.  Not every idea pans out but thats what game design is all about.  You expe...

11:01

Staff at London Underground have come up with a way to beat sadness try it and see if it works on you "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We all feel pretty crappy in the morning, stumbling our way to work after a night fretting about losing our job and whether global warming will kill us all and whether that workmate remembers that thing we said five years ago which Oh just us then?

But if you are like us then London Underground has a way to cheer you up -as posted on Reddit by 7ddnmo give it a go and report back to us.

Beep? from funny

The sign reads:

How to cheer yourself up in two easy steps

1. Whisper beep beep to yourself.

2. Repeat until not sad.

Were intrigued if this works with other words so we wrote a quick randomiser to give it a go:

How to cheer yourself up in two easy steps (six random attempts)

1. Whisper Lancashire hot-pot to yourself. 2. Repeat until happy.
1. Whisper wheel rim to yourself. 2. Repeat until the sadness leaves.
1. Mouth bag of cement to yourself. 2. Repeat until not sad.
1. Mumble Wayne Hussey to yourself. 2. Repeat until the happiness starts.
1. Whisper tin of tuna to yourself. 2. Repeat until your spirits lift.
1. Say Terry Nutkins to yourself. 2. Repeat until the darkness fades.

Well were a bit happier anyway. Your mileage may vary.

Source: Reddit

The post Staff at London Underground have come up with a way to beat sadness try it and see if it works on you appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

New species of badger discovered with vital organs on the inside "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Scientists have confirmed that a badger recently discovered in Somerset is a previously unknown species, being dubbed Meles meles, and only distantly related to the Meles Roadkillus variety often seen in Britain.

The specimen, captured by a local farmer, has some major differences to its better known relative. It has been observed walking around the laboratory where tests have been carried out, instead of just lying at the side of the road bleeding while being eaten by birds, and is also around a foot higher. More significantly though, it has most of its organs on the inside, rather than distributed over a 2-metre radius.

Evolutionary scientists have long been baffled by the more common variety, struggling to understand how a species had developed to survive while having vital organs spread over three lanes of motorway. So little was known about them that Bill Oddie, a keen badger enthusiast and famous beard-wearer, once spent a week in a specially constructed hide on the hard shoulder of the M25, in order to try to gain an insight into the feeding and breeding habits of this fascinating creature in its natural habitat. But the only one he saw never even moved.

The research team responsible for confirming the new species status is now hoping to cross-breed the specimen with its distant cousin.

Weve brought in one of the more common variety, on a shovel, and are hoping that the two will get on, said lead scientist Martin Burns. Were curious as to what a cross between them would turn out like, and are hoping that it would have at least two working legs, with lower liquification of the bones, and maybe be less smeary.

Were hoping that we can eventually get the numbers of the new breed up high enough to release them into the wild, near busy motorway junctions, as theyre a fair old size and should be almost as satisfying to run over as a fox.

10:31

Newsnight trolling the Sun over its BBC story is the best way to end the week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The BBC and many of its staff have already had their say over that Sun front page about literally several staff having a kip during their overnight shift on the BBC News channel.

Now BBC2s Newsnight has had a go.

Or, to put it another way.

In the unlikely event you didnt see it, heres yesterdays Sun front page.

Newsnight likes having a bit of fun every now and again. Remember this?

Oh, and this.

...

10:14

We urge you to remain calm. Article 50 has been revoked. Theresa May is safe and sound "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well, that was unexpected.

And it was retweeted by the man himself.

Remember when Huw lost the news?

08:51

What you should do vs what you actually do this chart about anxiety is 100% accurate "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Instragrammer Mattsurelee also made a great chart about anxiety:

Tag someone who is bad at anxiety. (I tag me.)

A post shared by Matt Shirley (@mattsurelee) on Nov 15, 2017 at 3:30pm PST

And his graph about the things you love as your age is also extremely accurate (if youre a man)

I dont mean to alarm you, but there appears to be a direct correlation between Doing Absolutely Nothing and Crying for No Reason says elee0228.

Make sure you follow Matt over on Instagram.

Source: Reddit

The post...

06:00

Friends Of Tall Chick Sent To Make Inroads With Only Bloke In The Bar Taller Than Her "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A South Betoota man who is a fair nudge above-average-height has essentially just been told that hes a sure bet tonight, if hes keen. Despite having about as much personality as a broken Obike, the 29-year-old data analyst has been accosted by several friends of a tall chick. Hey where are you from? []

The post Friends Of Tall Chick Sent To Make Inroads With Only Bloke In The Bar Taller Than Her appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:29

CSIRO Releases Computer-Generated Image Of What Kurt Cobain Would Look Like Now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

STEVE KOLBY | Music | Contact Australias peaking scientific body, the CSIRO, has treated the world to yet another technological breakthrough this afternoon. Using a researchers MacBook Pro and Photoshop, the organisation says theyve been able accurately to predict what legendary musician Kurt Cobain if he were alive today. We spent all afternoon on it, said one public servant. []

The post CSIRO Releases Computer-Generated Image Of What Kurt Cobain Would Look Like Now appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:43

Youre All Whipped! Writes Young Professional To Group Chat While Drinking Alone In Seedy Sports Bar "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Nobody wrote back to his 2 pm message asking if anybody was about for beers this afternoon, so Chris Masters took matters into his own hands. The 29-year-old bachelor clocked out from his Old City district bespoke, boutique public relations agency at around 3 pm and walked straight into []

The post Youre All Whipped! Writes Young Professional To Group Chat While Drinking Alone In Seedy Sports Bar appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:21

$54 Million Inquiry Finds Juvie That Tear Gasses Pre-Teens Probably Shouldnt Be Open "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Royal Commission into the Protection and Detention of Children in the Northern Territory has today found that a government institution that tortures children with solitary confinement and chemical weaponry probably shouldnt be allowed to keep doing that. The $54 million government inquiry, which was prompted by ABCs Four Corners report on the systemic []

The post $54 Million Inquiry Finds Juvie That Tear Gasses Pre-Teens Probably Shouldnt Be Open appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:59

Tongan World Cup Side Extend #RunItStraightChallenge To Chris Lilley "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After just coming off the biggest win in their rugby league history, Maa Tonga have today extended an invitation to one of their nations greatest enemies, prominent blackface comedian Chris Lilley. Following a thrilling 28-22 win over New Zealand, the momentum behind the proud Island nation has seen their status as a middling []

The post Tongan World Cup Side Extend #RunItStraightChallenge To Chris Lilley appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:42

School Of Hard Knocks Alma Mater Distance Themselves From Racist Former Old Boy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In an unravelling series of events, The School of Hard Knocks has been scrambling to distance themselves from graduate Barry Hodgson, in the wake of the 67-year olds inflammatory comments online. Between the hours of 10pm and 4am, Hodgson went on a Facebook rampage commenting on 412 total posts with such statements as []

The post School Of Hard Knocks Alma Mater Distance Themselves From Racist Former Old Boy appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:28

Roy Moore campaign robocalling mothers for permission "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Senate candidate Roy Moore looks to cover all his bases with robocall campaign.

01:33

David Pocock Begrudgingly Begins Googling Canberra Wedding Venues "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The likeliness of same-sex marriage being legalised before the new year has resulted in a collective sigh from the nations straight men who had successfully avoided going through the motions of an official wedding ceremony due to their political beliefs. However, with a 61.6% YES vote in the recent gay marriage postal survey, []

The post David Pocock Begrudgingly Begins Googling Canberra Wedding Venues appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Post Office queues now measured in eras "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A survey published today confirms that the average time you will stand in the queue at the Post Office is 46 minutes and it doesnt matter how many people are in front of you.

Speaking on BBC Breakfast retail analyst, Penny Woolmer, explains: You may join a queue to buy a first class stamp, with as few as two people in front of you, but that doesnt matter because statistically, 94% of the time in fact, the person currently being served is in the process of returning 11 parcels to Next, after which they will then tax their car and apply for a passport.  And just when you think theyve finally finished you hear Oh, and I just better get a book of stamps too so adding another three minutes to your wait.

And if only that was the end of it, but of course its not, continues Penny.  Youre one away from the window and the person being served is withdrawing money from their savings account. B ut things grind to a halt, statistically this time on an average of 89.6% for all visits, as theyve forgotten the pin number for their card.  They then hunt through their handbag as they have it written on a little piece of paper, dear.  It takes five minutes to locate the scrunched-up scrap paper and a further two for them to find their glasses.  However by now theres a glitch in the system and the person behind the window has to reboot the till.  So all of these kinds of incidents repeated across the UK means a national average waiting time of 46 minutes.

However, Brian Millar, an OAP from Bolton told Charlie Stayt:  There can be a lot of grumbling in the queue, but I dont mind it generally.  Once in my local branch when collecting my pension, I had to wait for three hours as two women were buying stamps for their Christmas cards.  It didnt really bother me though as it meant that I had to buy one less stamp for my gas as I didnt need to put the central heating on that morning, see?

Chipchase

00:22

Gang Of Youths Frontman David Leaupepe Receives Late Call Up To Samoan World Cup Side "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Media at Darwin airport today is abuzz with an unexpected arrival, as the lead singer of Sydney-based Alt-Rock band Gang Of Youths was seen wearing full Toa Samoa squad clothing and Beats headphones. David Leaupepe was spotted alongside other members of the Samoan national side, confirming rumours that the rum-swilling rockstar has thrown []

The post Gang Of Youths Frontman David Leaupepe Receives Late Call Up To Samoan World Cup Side appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

Thursday, 16 November

22:47

Shaun Marsh Posts Timely Reminder Of Compromising Pictures He Has Of Selectors "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Western Australian Cricketer Shaun Marsh has used the last round of the Shefield Shield prior to the first Ashes test to remind Australian cricket selectors of the compromising pictures that he has of them.

What can we do, I mean we know he only averages 30 something in shield but those pictures could ruin us, said Australian selector Mark Waugh. Weve got to pick him.

At least when Shane Watson used to bribe us hed occasionally score some runs.

It is believed that when Shane Watson retired he passed down to Shaun Marsh the pictures he had of the Australian selectors.

Though the majority of Australian cricket fans are upset and angry at Marshs selection one man who stands by the batsman (whos not related to him) is West Australian coach Justin Langer who said: Shaun is a terrific cricketer and a great West Australian, therefore he should be picked to play for Australia. Despite his previous form and continued failing under pressure Shaun deserves another opportunity.

Now Shaun if youll please let my wife and kids go free as per the agreement.

The first test commences on November 23rd with the first ball to be bowled at 10:30 am and the first Sportsbet advertisement to be aired at 10 am.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

...

21:00

If Elected To The Senate Judge Roy Moore Will Be A Stain On The Republican Party "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nonsense, he will fit right in with the rest of the rightwing skidmarks.

19:35

Meet the Croydon Wizard a man who dresses as Gandalf and gets onto public transport using a wand "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This clipping reaches Poke HQ and excites us muchly theres a man been spotted in Croydon, dressed as a wizard who has a magic wand that gets him onto public transport:

Ok, the magic wand is a modified oyster card in a wand, but still!

And heres the lovely mans photo hooray!

And doesnt this lend itself to puns?

You shall not (bus) pass writes @Seanjonesqc.

One does not simply walk into Morden says @Anywhereelse.

And finally

Have a look on google for Croydon Wizard. Theres quite a few things about him online. notes @Alisonpalmer79.

Source: Twitter/@eliistender10

The post Meet the Croydon Wizard a man who dresses as Gandalf and gets onto public transport using a wand appeared first on The Poke.

19:16

This familys solution when their kid drew on the wall was funny and rather brilliant "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Next time you have a child or lets face it, a fully grown adult draw on your wall, try this.

This is the problem.

And this is the solution.

In close-up.

Interrupted House. We see what they did there.

And someone took it very seriously indeed.

...

18:56

Trying to stay calm while your partner flirts with someone else "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

No animals were hurt in the making of this video.

Well, that escalated quickly.

Source

The post Trying to stay calm while your partner flirts with someone else appeared first on The Poke.

17:35

This womans partner is asking her to file bug reports to get the TV to work "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Reddit theres a woman asking for relationship advice and it has just floored us you have to read this:

I [32F] am being forced by my husband [33 M] of 3 years to file bug reports??

My husband is an engineer, and weve been together for 3 years, and bought a house together last year. Hes always been a tinkerer and Ive been fine with it but lately it has gotten out of hand. It started with a smart lock. I dont know why I regular lock wasnt fine, we live in a safe neighbourhood, on the 7th floor in an apartment. I dont think Ive ever worried about a break in, but now I need to pull my phone out to unlock a door instead of my keys, and the app is buggy and crashing constantly. He keeps telling me how much better it is because we can remotely unlock our doors, but why would I ever need to do that? When the battery runs out I have to end up using a key anyway, so I dont get the point of this thing, but fine. I lived with it.

Next came the smart TV. It never worked. It was connected to some type of raspberry thing, constantly breaking down. Every time I would ask him for help he got frustrated with me, as if I had done something wrong? Ive since given up and just watch Netflix on my iPad (which he hates for some reason).

Next he installed smart lightbulbs in the house so we can set them using our phones. Except I have an iphone and he bought some brand that only works with Android and he has to spend hours manually configuring them all the time. I dont know why he didnt go with a brand that works with iphones but he said that he doesnt trust them. I told him as long as I can turn the lights off with the wall switch Im happy, but now those dont even work anymore. I am literally sitting at home in the dark, calling him so he can turn the lights on for me. He keeps telling me I should get an android so I can use the app but I dont want to lose my iphone.

Last week he told me that I cant call him anymore when Im having problems with the tech throughout the house, and I have to file a bug report on some git website. I told him I refuse to have to fill some online form just to get the lights working but he refuses to listen to me. I dont know what to do, Im at my wits end.

Ive tried reasoning with him, but hes convinced this is the better way. I dont know how much longer I can stay.


tl;dr: My husband has gone home-automation crazy and wont let me just turn the lights on with a sw...

17:30

Osiris D3 Expands to Double the Size When Threatened "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CARLSBAD, Calif. Osiris announced a new model of their classic D3 skate shoe, which will expand to double its original size when threatened, company sources confirmed.

Fat, puffy, and bulbous skate shoe populations have been on a steady decline since the late 90s, said Osiris spokesperson Deborah Larson during Mondays release event. We feel confident the D3s built-in self-defense system can keep quantities in a more stabilized number within the skate shoe market. Besides, when they puff up, they look twice as cool.

To ensure the safety of itself and its owner, the shoe automatically intakes air when confronted with a threat such as a large stair set, handrail, or a security guard that takes their job too seriously.

I was bombing this hill the other day, and right when I got some gnarly speed wobbles, POOF! These things ballooned up to size 42 airbags. Saved my life, said prototype tester and professional skateboarder Jeremy Roberts. They also scared away a dude who tried to mug me at the ATM.

Roberts was later surprised to find the shoes have a tendency to increase in size to lure in potential sexual partners for the wearer.

Related:

Later that night at a bar, I was talking to this girl, and all of a sudden, my shoes puffed up to an elaborate display of leather and rubber while letting out a quick burst of pheromones that had collected in the heel cup from my session earlier, said Roberts. It was no match for the guys wearing skinny, Vans slip-ons.

Hoping to get more D3s on the retail market, Osiris understands that the shoe does have its complications.

We are keenly aware that the D3 can contain a toxin deadly to humans if not skated properly, said Larson. We will work alongside foreign governments of nations where the D3 is considered a rare delicacy to ensure it is not unlawfully hunted for its delectable meat.

I mean foam, she allegedly added under her breath.

Quit what...

16:00

Were just helping Mugabe find his keys, says army "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Zimbabwe army has denied that it has carried out a coup and placed Robert Mugabe under house arrest.  No, no, no, that is not true, a general told state media.  President Mugabe cannot leave his house as he has lost his keys and wouldnt be able to get back in.  All the troops and tanks you see out on the street are just looking for his keys.

Until President Mugabe finds his keys and is able to leave his house the army will carry out some errands for him, such as getting in some milk, collecting his pension and running the country.  Reports that his wife has fled to a WI meeting in Namibia with the keys in her handbag have not yet been confirmed.  Nor have suggestions the keys slipped down the back of former vice-president Emmerson Mnangagwas sofa when President Mugabe went to round his place to sack him last week.

The streets of Zimbabwes capital Harare have remained relatively calm with most citizens seeming to accept that at 93 President Mugabe is quite likely to lose things such as his keys or 37 years of power.

 

StanleyMizaru

15:50

Donald Trumps speeches are so incoherent they could have been written by predictive text "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres @iamjohnoliver and his Last Week Tonight theory that Donald Trumps speeches are so nonsensical they could have been written by predictive text.

He might be onto something there.

READ MORE

Its so odd the way Donald Trump sips water from a bottle, people cant stop watching

Source

The post Donald Trumps speeches are so incoherent they could have been written by predictive text appeared first on The Poke.

14:30

List of 100 Greatest Drummers Dominated By Cartoon Octopuses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CEDAR GROVE, N.J. Modern Drummer magazines yearly list of 100 Greatest Drummers is once again comprised of over 60 percent cartoon octopuses, upsetting a number of human percussionists around the globe, sources report.

Its so, so, SO unfair, lamented Stewart Copeland, formerly of the Police and placed at 47 on the list, a full six slots below the octopus featured in the Under the Sea segment of The Little Mermaid. How can a flesh-and-blood human compete with something drawn to hold eight sticks and animated at any speed, its tentacles a blur of percussion mastery?

Drummers around the world believe the animated characters get more recognition due to their mainstream appeal.

Ive developed countless techniques to keep up with the natural gifts of octopus drummers, and this amounts to nothing in the music community, said Cryptopsy drummer Flo Mounier. The people who vote for these things turn on a TV, see a cartoon octopus playing, and automatically assume it is superior to a human, without taking into account any timing of rhythm.

Despite the criticism, Modern Drummer management stood by the inclusion of sea-dwelling creatures.

Related:

Modern Drummer shines a light on the contemporary culture of percussion. It is our belief that that includes goofy fictional cephalopods, and it always has been, said publisher Isabel Spagnardi from her New Jersey home. What these people are forgetting is those octopi are playing underwater. Lets see Danny Seraphine take his kit to the shallow end of a pool and see how he holds up.

While some readers remain outraged, many in online forums defended the list.

Yeah, Bonhams great Moe Tucker, Keith Moon I have room for them all, loyal Modern Drummer subscriber Lydia Melman said. But Squiddly Diddlys ranked first for a reason. Nobody forgets when and where they were the first time they saw him bug out on some drums. I guess because its typically in front of the TV, Saturday morning, ac...

14:30

10 ways the BBC hit back at that Sun front page "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So heres the Suns front page about the BBC today.

BBC workers have been accused of wasting licence payers money after several were photographed dozing at their desks.

The napping night-shifters were snapped by an angry colleague on the BBC News channel at Broadcasting House, London.

And heres how the BBC responded.

1.

2.

3.

4.

...

14:00

Im So Tired of Movies That Only Have One Token RoboCop Character "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Regularly scheduled programming helps me take a few moments to ease the gas off of my brain and feel like Im part of something larger than myself. Television is the culture. Its supposed to be inclusive and progressive, a kind reflection of its audience. People like me are represented with all kinds of personalities, ambitions, and flaws on TV but every time I see a RoboCop on screen its the same egregiously offensive stereotype. The one dimensional RoboCop stock character needs to be put to rest.

The token Robocop character provides a service. If somebody in, say, Desolate Cultural Abyss, Wisconsin has never met a RoboCop before, casting one can open a closed mind or two. But every RoboCop on TV is the same: stiff and emotionally distant, no nonsense, and hard working. Like Standard RoboCop Operating System 8.1, these stereotypes are obsolete, and like Standard RoboCop Operating System 6.5, these stereotypes are dangerous.

Not all RoboCops know each other. In fact, being a RoboCop in the persecutory slog of America can be isolating and alienating. Contrary to what the movies will tell you, RoboCops are just as empathetic and sensitive as any of us. Just because a RoboCop cant cry doesnt mean he or she or THEY wouldnt LIKE to cry.

And lets get this out of the way: not all RoboCops are police officers. Thats a myth perpetuated by American ignorance. The festering bigotry of contemporary cinema and television always introduces a RoboCop character as being an officer of the law. Where are the RoboCop bakers? The RoboCop mailmen? My RoboCop son lays awake every night, crying, telling me he doesnt want to be a police officer. But flip on the television and what do you see? Another RoboCop making an arrest, driving a squad car, and twirling his gun!

We almost got a RoboCop produced, RoboCop written, RoboCop performed TV show in 2009, but slimy meddling executives got their hands on the show and butchered it beyond recognition. In September of that year, Modern Family premiered on ABC, and the last shred of what had been, a RoboCop butler, was cut from the show after negative audience reactions in the first season.

This is a call to action as a community to defeat the leviathan of contempt and push for more RoboCops on the big screen. Theyre people and deserve to have their voices to be heard. They matter and they are important and we cannot silence them as we would the common Irish.

Show your solidarity with Robocops with a Hard Times t-shirt:

13:00

Russia strongly criticises Corbyns future acceptance speech "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

How can a man set to increase his majority in Islington North by 4242 votes including 789 proxies think we care about British so-called-free elections? said a Kremlin spokesman. Mr Corbyn should concentrate on what he does best; whistling the Internationale every time he poos, and reading the Daily Express in the cupboard under the stairs where he thinks no-one can see him.

The Kremlin also denied all knowledge of the surprise Belgian Christmas number one (a military march from St Petersburg), the winning ticket of the Sutton Grammar School Christmas Raffle (belongs to one V Putin), and the Great British Bake Off 2018 announcement (to be won by someone called Natasha who only speaks Russian, wears a wig and cites bare-chested horse riding as her hobby).

The draft speech, kept under Mr Corbyns bed in a red Huntley & Palmers biscuit tin, is thought to contain the phrase at least we won fair and square, not like Donald Trump.  Its ridiculous to suggest we mess with everything, said the spokesman, you Brits are quite capable of screwing things up yourselves.  Besides, Agent Leith works for the Americans since she swapped sides.

12:47

That Greggs sausage roll Advent calendar our favourite 13 responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You may have seen by now the minor kerfuffle caused by Greggs after everyones favourite high street bakery chain swapped the baby Jesus for a sausage roll in its spoof Advent calendar this year.

What were they doing opening door number 19 anyway? Theyre a month early!

Heres 13 of our favourite responses online.

1.

2.

3.

4.

...

12:00

Injustice 2 DLC Finally Lets You Punch Zack Snyder "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CHICAGO Netherrealm Studios announced director Zack Snyder as a new playable character for the hit DC Comics fighting game Injustice 2 to coincide with the release of Justice League, finally allowing fans to use their favorite superheroes to pummel the man responsible for the trainwreck that is the DC Extended Universe.

For $5.99, the DLC bundle includes Zack Snyder, who has no offensive moves and who alternates between whimpering, apologizing and saying I deserve this for making Batman brand people when hit.

The character has a variety of alternate skins like Director of Batman v Superman Snyder, Director of Sucker Punch Snyder and Joss Whedon.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Detractors, however, are upset about the inclusion, stating they wish the DLC packs included more traditional characters, instead of a blatant appeal to the current DC films.

I understand DC wants to take care of the movie fans by including their favorite cinematic villains, said Jason Kraushaar. But what about the old villains from the comics like Scott Lobdell, Brian Michael Bendis or latter-day Frank Miller?

DC has a rich history of creators I would like to repeatedly punch in the face and I wish the games tapped into that more, Kraushaar added as he slid returned hand-written death threats into the sleeves of various comic books he collected.

Snyders super move is reported to be a filter of darkness that covers the otherwise-colorful DC universe so nobody can really tell what the fuck is happening anymore...

11:00

Home Office to phase out full-facial passport photos for gimps "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Home Office is to waive the rule which insists on a full-facial photograph where the applicant is a leather-clad sex slave habitually used to peering through a mask. The proposed moves follows pressure from the Liberal Democrats who claim it is necessary to avoid problems encountered by people who are chained to a leash 24/7 and are only able to breathe through a narrow opening.

Currently everybody with a passport must identify themselves as either male or female on the document.  But the Home Office has begun a consultation on changing the system to allow a category for the small minority of people who are unable to tick either box because they are only allowed out of a dungeon for short intervals.

The new ruling will insist only that the photos be in colour, against a plain background, and that the leather outfit and face-mask are the most recently worn. The leash must be fully visible at all times. Gimps and associated sex dwarves should also be facing forward, staring directly at camera through the narrow eye slots and must not be urinated on while the photograph is taken.

Although the lack of a golden shower may enrage some enthusiasts, it is thought essential to avoid problems such as lens flare.  Lib Dem Home Office Minister Lynne Featherstone said This new approach to passport processing uses cutting-edge biometric iris recognition technology so we cannot overstate the need for gimps to keep their eyes wide open and face the camera no matter how much pain and degradation they are currently experiencing.

Youll still need to get Section 10 countersigned by your gimp-master or dominatrix who must confirm that you are fully resident within the UK and are in a consensual sub-dom relationship with them.

We hope these new guidelines will dispense with the requirement for gimps to remove their restrictive head gear when passing through immigration controls. Last night Nigel Farndon, a full-time gimp from Solihull, gave a guarded welcome to the ruling. Having to remove the leather mask at customs checks was an infringement of my fundamental human rights which I found extremely humiliating.  It was sheer ecstasy.

10:00

Mums Week Away Now Very Evident After Dad Serves Shepherds Pie For 4th Dinner In A Row "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT It is not lost on the teachers at South Betoota primary that the Andersen kids have been constantly yawning throughout the school day, after four 9:30pm sheperds pie dinners in a row. The current dysfunctionality of their household has become so obvious that the school principal has gone as far as calling their []

The post Mums Week Away Now Very Evident After Dad Serves Shepherds Pie For 4th Dinner In A Row appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:00

Newsbiscuits Guide to Zimbabwe "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

  • Zimbabwe derives its name from an attempt to cheat at Scrabble by Cecil Rhodes.
  • Zimbabwe recently won the international irony championship after placing the president under house arrest, then getting a man wearing military fatigues to announce that this wasnt a coup.
  • If you flip Zimbabwe around on the map, it looks a bit like Anglesey, which is appropriate because it cuts down an area of farmland the size of Wales every week. Probably.
  • The odds against Rhodesia being discovered by someone who just happened to be called Rhodes are nearly three million to one.
  • Robert Mugabe can sing all the songs from Legally Blonde the Musical
  • Poaching is a problem, most Zimbabweans opt to scramble.
  • There are 147 official languages including: zcouse, Manq, Broomi and Kokni
  • In literary circles Mr. Mugabes toothbrush moustache is called foreshadowing
  • Pamela Stevenson is delighted as she can now revive her Not the Nine Oclock News impersonations of Angela Rippon talking about Robert Moo-ga-bay and Joshua Enn-Kohmo.
  • When Zimbabwean men want to complement their girlfriends on their appearance, they say Darling, you look a trillion dollars
  • Mr. Mugabe tried to sort out the economy by making inflation illegal (fakenews).
  • Subsequently he tried to end corruption and (in particular) bribery, by rendering his countrys currency completely valueless. This has not been noticeably successful.
  • The national musical instrument, the mbira, is also known as the thumb piano. Oh grow up
  • Zimbabwe is even lower than Scotland in the FIFA World Rankings
  • Victoria Falls is actually a (yet to be repaired) plumbing disaster
  • Zimbabwes major exports are bad news and empty shell cases
  • Zimbabwe set to become Chinas 24th Province Zimbabwai

(hattips DavidH, Oxbridge, Sinnick, Smart Alex, Midfield Diamond, Chipchase, Titus & Dick Everyman)

 

08:57

Strict Greens Recycling Policy Sees Discarded 90s Politician Turned Into Senator "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Andrew Bartlett

The Greens have chosen to re-use an old senator they found washed up in Canberra, rather than waste resources on a brand new Senator.

The impressive commitment to the partys Reduce, Reuse, Recycle policy was announced by party leader Richard Di Natale months ago and put into action this week.

Usually old politicians end up in landfill, but we prefer to make do with the throwaways others discard.

Mr Di Natale said the senator was a little bit coarser and rougher around the edges now but would do for the moment.

Although that moment might be up sooner than thought the recycled senator may soon need to be thrown out again.

08:40

This Southern Rail life hack changes everything "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Patrick Dalton has discovered an amazing life hack that works on Southern Rail trains:

Those terrible journeys will just fly by now.

Source: Twitter/@shitlondon

The post This Southern Rail life hack changes everything appeared first on The Poke.

08:26

When dad cleans your Girls World doll with white spirit and the face comes off "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Looking like bizarre take on those no make-up selfies on Instagram comes these two photos:

The lack of brows are super creeping me out right now. says @Rammi.

Who knew Girls Worlds faces were so weird?

Source: Twitter/@TashP351

The post When dad cleans your Girls World doll with white spirit and the face comes off appeared first on The Poke.

06:49

83% Rise In Stan Subscriptions After New Ad Featuring Aussie Favourite Don Cheadle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian TV and movie streaming service STAN have seen an over 80% rise in their subscriptions after featuring famous American actor Don Cheadle is several of their new ads. The actor, who made waves in Australia in his role as the principal on Mean Girls, also as the American cop in that Irish []

The post 83% Rise In Stan Subscriptions After New Ad Featuring Aussie Favourite Don Cheadle appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:26

Famed Spanish Restorer Called In To Fix $450 Million Salvator Mundi "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

salvator muni

Selling for a world-record $450 million at auction last night, Leonardo Da Vincis Salvator Mundi still needed some work, according to experts.

World-renowned Spanish restorer Ceclia Gimenez famous for her work on Ecco Homo was called in for the job, cleaning up some deficiencies in Leonardos original work and bringing a sharper, clearer focus to the painting.

Art historian Joseph McMillon said Leonardos true intent in this painting had now been brought to life. Salvator Mundi can now rightfully stand beside Leonardos other works such as the Mona Lisa, Virgin of the Rocks and Lady with an Ermine.

Mrs Gimenez said that she was pleased with the result and is now heading to Vatican City to correct parts of the Michelangelos ceiling of Sistine Chapel.

____________________

By Richard Evans

06:14

Gaming Community Concede Pixelated Strippers In Duke Nukem Are Hard To Top "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After two decades of rapid developments in CGI, one local gamer has realised that not much gets his blood pumping the same way the heavily pixelated strippers in the 1996 PC game Duke Nukem 3D did. A recent report by the ACMA has found that the entire Australian gaming community has never been []

The post Gaming Community Concede Pixelated Strippers In Duke Nukem Are Hard To Top appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:07

Big Boys Carb-Heavy Lunch Not Doing Wonders For Productivity "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Barrelling down Adelaide Street in the heart of Betootas Financial District, a top-heavy auditor meandered down the footpath back to the office like mighty Ord River flows into the Timor Sea. Graham Washbrook has a sweat on. Hes just been down the road at the local Chinese, were he threw caution to the wind []

The post Big Boys Carb-Heavy Lunch Not Doing Wonders For Productivity appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:56

Australia Exhales As News Cycle Returns To Hollywood Sex Crimes And Citizenship Drama "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a brief hiatus spent reporting about yesterdays same-sex marriage survey results, the Australia media cycle has returned to relaying news of Hollywood stars acting inappropriately and politicians who forgot to renounce their dual-citizen status before running for office. As the same-sex marriage debate hit fever pitch yesterday morning, the nations new publishers []

The post Australia Exhales As News Cycle Returns To Hollywood Sex Crimes And Citizenship Drama appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:16

Man Now At Point In Relationship Where Hes Allowed To Buy His Own Clothes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In a word, Peter Granger is chuffed. For a number of years now, the 31-year-old hasnt been trusted to select and purchase his own clothes because according to his partner, hes got the taste of a tongueless drunk. But this morning, Granger confidently strode into the South Betoota Rivers []

The post Man Now At Point In Relationship Where Hes Allowed To Buy His Own Clothes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:42

Bloke From The ABS Pretty Happy With How Well He Handled His Fifteen Minutes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian Bureau of Statistics head statistician, David Kalisch is reportedly still pretty chuffed after unwittingly delivering one of the most important messages for civil rights in recent years, while unveiling the results of the 2017 same-sex marriage postal vote. Did I look good up there? he asked his wife while relaxing in the bathtub last []

The post Bloke From The ABS Pretty Happy With How Well He Handled His Fifteen Minutes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Nelsons Column converted into flats "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nelsons Column has been converted into 30 affordable dwellings, with generous views and near-standing room for all but the average in height.  The iconic structure has stood for over 200 years; held together by pigeon shit and a rabid dislike of the French.

The 169 ft building has been infamously under-developed, with most of be structure wasted on supporting just one resident.  But thanks to some vertical boring and the worlds narrowest lift, 30 families will be able to stoop in luxury inside the generous 57 high executive apartments.

Parking is limited and ablutions are of the do it in the fountains at night variety.  The vertical tubular housing solution also has other innovative features.  If you live at the top, obviously everyone else will have to go out first to make room for your descent explained the architect. But what do you bloody expect for 800 grand?

Simon Travis is hopeful the new development will mean that at 63, he can finally move out of his parents home.  Its time to leave the nest and settle down with my girlfriend. Shes really excited. Its been very cramped sharing a Victorian postbox with both my parents and three siblings. But this will be the very definition of high-rise living.

Newscat

00:43

Conservative Migrant Says Gay People Should Go Back To Where They Came From "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A Western Sydney man says the gay population need to go back to wherever they came from, presumably San Francisco or Bangkok after being disheartened by same-sex marriage postal vote results yesterday. John, a father and grandfather of Australian-born citizens, says this is isnt the kind of Australia he used to know. []

The post Conservative Migrant Says Gay People Should Go Back To Where They Came From appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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