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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Tuesday, 12 June

19:46

Wait: So Can I Watch New Arrested Development or Not? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So apparently some of the dudes on Arrested Development have some issues. Its definitely unfortunate and disappointing to hear all this negativity surrounding the show, just as the new season is dropping, but on the other hand, I havent heard much about these issues since the show came out and I really wanna watch it, so where exactly did we land on this whole thing?

So can I watch new Arrested Development season or not?

I suppose I could go the route of saying I can separate the art from the artist, but it seems like a lot of people, especially on social media, are not accepting of that ideology lately. On the other hand, all of those same people seem to have moved on to yelling at Roseanne so maybe Im in the clear. I dont really get the rules of how this works. Are we only allowed to hate one show at a time? Does it work like in The Ring where only one show is cursed at a time? I just need someone to give me a definitive answer, yes or no. Am I allowed to watch or not?!

Am I even allowed to ask if Im allowed to watch it? I heard that asking marginalized individuals to explain their oppression is something called emotional labor. Well how much does that cost per hour? I will literally pay any amount of money if it means I can watch Arrested Development free of guilt.

Related: I Refuse To Rewatch Doug Until I Know He Would Have Stood With Standing Rock

 

So as of now, I guess the answer is no, I cant watch it. And thats okay. I care about marginalized groups and refuse to support art that reinforces systematic oppression and turns a blind eye to abuse. And I will stand by that belief until everyone else forgets about it or one of my woke friends says they watched it.

Until that day I am standing strong. In summation: Because of all the scandal surrounding Arrested Development, I am boycotting it

Narrator: He isnt.

The post Wait: So Can I Watch New Arrested Development or Not? appeared first on The Hard Times.

17:41

This thread went viral because its funny and we actually learned something "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Your Friend Helen thats her name, not your friend, although she might also be your friend had this to say on Twitter.

There was a qualification.

And the answers went viral because they were funny and struck a chord with so many people. Plus (shock horror) we actually learned something.

Heres a whole bunch of our favourites.

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16:00

Male prisoner identifies as female after watching lesbian prison porn video "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After being sentenced for burglary, Arthur Mayfield, 23, has asked to be sent to a womens prison.  He admits that he has never given much thought to LGBT issues until now: apart from staying away from that dodgy ginger who kept smiling at me in the exercise yard the last time I did a stretch.

Like every other criminal, I wanted to go back to the same nick where all my burglar and mugger mates are banged up, he says.  But then he had a revelation about his sexual identity after watching a DVD called Shaved Lesbian Prison Orgy IV, which hed stolen from his neighbours cell.   It hit me like a thunderbolt, he says.  I instinctively knew thats where I belonged in a shower being soaped by a bunch of nymphomaniac convicts who are too horny to notice that Im a man.

15:48

The video of this footballers son was cute but the responses took it to a different league "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The always followable @BeardedGenius posted this video from former Arsenal player Tomas Rosickys testimonial in which he helped his 5-year-old son score against another ex-Arsenal player, Jens Lehmann.

Very cute (and funny) it was too. But peoples responses took it to a whole new level. Here are our favourites.

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15:30

Grown Man Keeping Guitar Pick in His Wallet Just in Case "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

SAN ANTONIO Aspiring musician Josh Snchezs trusty Jim Dunlop guitar pick is reportedly securely lodged in an auxiliary compartment of his wallet just in case he may get a chance to use it, sources close to Snchez confirm.

Hes had that pick in his wallet and a dream in his heart for as long as Ive known him, long-time friend Keith Lawley said. He almost sealed the deal at a house party we were at about a month ago there was this guitar with an amazing Dreadnought body, propped up in the living room. But just as Josh was making his way over, some douche swooped in on it and started playing Wonderwall. Its always those guys that end up getting lucky like that.

Snchez has been prevented from retrieving the pick from his wallet before, as ex-girlfriend Leah-Marie Marsh confirmed.

Things were warming up between us, and I thought Id let him play with my band, Marsh explained. But he was just really bad at fingerstyle, so I didnt let him go any further with me. I felt bad about it and asked if maybe he wanted to play bass instead but he stormed off.

Honestly, Im not sure who hes trying to convince with that 1.5 millimeter Tortex pick anyway, she added. A .75 nylon is way more appropriate for his style.

Related:

However, Snchez remains optimistic about his chances of playing with his pick soon.

Ive had my eye on this gorgeous model at Guitar Center for weeks, and I really think Ive got a chance with it if they dont reject my credit application again, Snchez said. Man, its been so long its gonna be so sweet to finally put this bad boy to use. I hope the heat from being in my wallet all this time didnt fuck it up or anything. Wait, these things dont expire, right?

At press time, Snchez was reportedly humiliated after the pick fell out of his wallet as he was reaching for his ID, landing right in front of the guitar he desired.

Photo by Matthew Keplinger.

The post...

15:25

People think the Royal Mails new stamps are an epic troll and they love it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Now theres plenty to enjoy about this new set of Royal Mail stamps even if you take them solely at face value.

Everyone loves Dads Army, right?

But the timing got people wondering after a very vocal bunch recently demanded their own set of stamps and got very grumpy when they didnt get them.

Its got to be, hasnt it? I mean, look at those quotes for goodness sake.

It was such an epic troll that people couldnt believe they were real.

But they are. They really are.

This one might be our favourite.

13:18

This mans wife wasnt happy when he bought this giant picture and you can see why "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This story of the man who got in trouble with his wife for buying a 10ft by 4ft picture of the Forth railway bridge in Scotland went viral because, well, have a look for yourself.

Sheer perfection. The picture, we mean. Almost as good as the real thing.

And it really is that big.

Almost life size.

13:00

Bouyant moped sales show our policies are working claim Tories "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The UK economy grew by an extra 0.002% last months thanks mainly to the sales of consumer goods like mopeds and hammers while sales in luxury items such as mobile phones, Fist Aid kits and handbags also showed a healthy increase.

The recent growth has mostly been in London and the south east but we are already seeing moped sales increase in the Midlands and North West.  They are particularly popular with young people who are no doubt enthused by that old Tory rallying cryget on your bike and look for workwell, thats something else the Tories can be proud of.getting gangs of youths off their backsides and onto bikes.all roaming the streets looking for work.

Business Secretary Greg Clarke added that sales of kitchen utensils used to carve meat and make sandwiches was also up:  Get your money behind stab vests, that seems to be the next big growth market.  They might look awkward and drabbut they seem to be the latest fashion accessory for the man about town.everybody in the city seems to be wearing them these days.

12:58

The only 14 responses you need to todays Daily Express front page "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

That well-known bastion of fairness and reason, The Daily Express, has published a front page containing a veiled threat. Actually, its not particularly veiled. This is what it looks like.

These 14 responses pretty much say it all.

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12:16

Okay, Trump Has Denuclearised North Korea, But His Silence On Gender-Neutral Toys Is Deafening "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

JAMIE HOTTAKE | Outrage | CONTACT As was confirmed several hours ago, US President Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un have pledged to work toward complete denuclearisation of the Korean peninsula while Washington committed to provide security guarantees for its old enemy. Fine. Okay. Its done. Good work, I suppose, but seriously Are we really going to []

The post Okay, Trump Has Denuclearised North Korea, But His Silence On Gender-Neutral Toys Is Deafening appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:11

James OBrien trolled (his LBC colleague) Nigel Farage and its gripping stuff "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LBC presenter James OBrien is known for speaking his mind its why he decided to stop working for the BBC so he could share his opinions about Brexit but this is something else.

OBrien spoke out after Farage interviewed millionaire businessman and Leave.EU co-founder Arron Banks over claims that he had multiple meetings with Russian embassy officials in the run-up to the Brexit vote.

One of the chief cheerleaders of the leave campaign was of course Nigel Farage, so it wasnt the most vigorous of interviews as you can imagine.

And this is what happened when Carole Cadwalladr, a proper journalist, rang the show to ask Banks and presumably Farage some proper questions.

Didnt reflect too well on LBC will be interesting to see what the media regulator Ofcom makes of the whole thing and OBrien was today putting as much distance between himself and Farage as possible.

And not only Farage, it turned out.

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11:08

Donald Trump told a joke and Kim Jong-uns reaction is the best thing out of this summit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Donald Trump telling a joke at his meeting with Kim Jong-un and the North Korean leaders reaction could be the best thing to come out of their summit.

At least, we think he was telling a joke.

11:00

easyJet to introduce pre-cancelled flights "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

you can stay at home and look up your destination on the internet once the booking's completeIn a bold move to reduce the amount of time that passengers spend waiting for flights that never take off, Easyjet are to introduce the pre-cancelled flight. Hours of frustrating and pointless waiting will be eliminated and delays could be made a thing of the past.

Flights will be booked as normal with the added choice of pre-cancellation for a small fee, said an Easyjet spokesperson for a small fee. Customers will no longer need to wait around in the airport living off overpriced takeaway food and choking on their own sense of injustice.

Instead they can experience the disappointment of cancelled flights in the comfort of their own home at their own convenience. We expect that the type of customers that this will appeal to will be people who didnt want to go anyway, business people wanting to pull a sickie and old blokes who are bored with ranting about people parking outside their house and need a new outlet for their bile.

As part of the pre-cancellation service Easyjet will provide an automated telephone line where people can phone to rant about how they will never use Easyjet again and will book with British Airways next time. The website will provide a picture of a member of Easyjet staff with an expression on their face that screams whatever we know youll come back because you are cheap to support the call service.

LizzyG

10:43

People are sharing their most embarrassing toilet stories and youll be left totally flushed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When someone on Twitter asked for some funny toilet stories to cheer her up, Twitter did not disappoint. This is the tweet that started it all.

These 21 replies, filled with crushing embarrassment and public humiliation, should make you feel a whole lot better about how your day is going. Or not.

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09:29

Now Is A Pretty Good Time To Buy Says Crypto Investor Living Back At Home With Parents "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local cryptoprenuer has explained to The Advocate today why now is actually a great time to invest in digital currency. The reasonably young man who has recently moved back into his parents house in Betoota Grove, talked our reporters through why the Cryptocurrency Market is ripe for the []

The post Now Is A Pretty Good Time To Buy Says Crypto Investor Living Back At Home With Parents appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:27

18 bitter truths about what its like being an adult that are just far too real "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We all have that moment when we realised wed have to admit to being an adult: getting our first proper job, finding the one, not running outside because the ice-cream van was in the street. These 18 things truly define what it means to be an adult, and were not at all sure to feel about it.

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08:59

Simply 21 funny responses to Donald Trumps historic meeting with Kim Jong-un "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As you may have seen overnight, Donald Trump has met with Kim Jong-un in Singapore and not only that, they managed to take a break from posing for the cameras to sign something.

Here are our favourite takes on this historic summit so far.

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08:40

Our 15 favourite responses to todays Sun front page "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theresa May faces a key Brexit vote in the House of Commons on Tuesday and warned the UKs negotiating position would be undermined if she was defeated.

Just in case MPs didnt get the message, the Sun did this on its front page today, a greatest hits of everything it thinks is great about Great Britain.

And here are our favourite responses online.

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08:32

Uncoordinated Footy Player Finally Makes The Leap And Signs Up To Refereeing Course "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After an undecorated junior footy career, Phillip Hard (30) has finally bitten the bullet. The young plumbing apprentice from the Golf Course Estate has today decided that its time to face the inevitable, and as a result has signed himself up for a refereeing course. The Dolphins clubman, whos []

The post Uncoordinated Footy Player Finally Makes The Leap And Signs Up To Refereeing Course appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:25

Study Finds Every Single Middle-Aged White Kiwi Woman Looks And Sounds Exactly The Same "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A new study by the Australian Bureau Of Statistics has found that 93% of all expatriated Pkeh women living in Australia have short cropped hair and sound exactly the same as that comedian Cal Wilson. Pkeh is a Mori-language term for New Zealanders of European descent. The term has also recently come to refer inclusively either to fair-skinned persons, or to any non-Mori New []

The post Study Finds Every Single Middle-Aged White Kiwi Woman Looks And Sounds Exactly The Same appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:12

Wallabies Fan Still Dirty At Team For Winning And Ruining His Multi "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A mildly-unpopular doctors son has lashed out at the in-form Wallabies this morning after he revealed to friends and family that he wouldve won a significant amount of money on a weekend multi-bet if the boys in gold went down to Ireland on Saturday night. Very annoyed still, said Curtis Mullholland III, a []

The post Wallabies Fan Still Dirty At Team For Winning And Ruining His Multi appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:31

Report: The Boys Are Going Through Their Backwards Peace Sign Phase "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by a prominent Betoota nightclub photographer has found that a bunch of local early-20s blokes are now doing that thing with their hands. Since May this year, local photographer Xander (19) has been taking snaps of partygoers right across Betootas prominent nightclub district, The Gulley, which is home to at []

The post Report: The Boys Are Going Through Their Backwards Peace Sign Phase appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:04

Labourer Knows He Shouldnt Be Looking At Bloke Welding But Cant Help Himself "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It feels like someones thrown sand in my eyes, he said. And he told our reporters who knows who that person is. Himself. Working yesterday on a local residential building site, Dennis Hardy said his boss told him not to look at people welding because its not good for your eyes. He caught []

The post Labourer Knows He Shouldnt Be Looking At Bloke Welding But Cant Help Himself appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:37

Turnbull Follows Trumps Lead And Meets With Leader Of Enemy Nation To Quell Hostilities "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following the news that the Wallabies are once again a competitive force in world rugby after their 9-point win over Ireland on the weekend, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has rushed to meet with the leader of our enemy nation to build a healthy relationship before our next international match against the All Blacks []

The post Turnbull Follows Trumps Lead And Meets With Leader Of Enemy Nation To Quell Hostilities appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:41

Obama Tells Dinner Guests What He Wouldve Said To Kim Jong-Un "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Former US President Barack Obama has shared with his dinner guests what he wouldve said to Kim Jong-Un face-to-face if he had the chance. Hosting a collection of geopolitical specialists in his grand Washington DC home tonight (local time), Obama even laughed off suggestion from a half-drunk Al Gore []

The post Obama Tells Dinner Guests What He Wouldve Said To Kim Jong-Un appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:18

Office Slob Forced To Reveal He Didnt Iron After Office Heater Wins Battle With Jumper "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Editor | CONTACT Nathan Hawkins (29) likes to save time in his morning routine by only ironing his shirt collar, which, when wearing underneath a smart jumper, is not visible to the naked and untrained eye. However, today in Betootas only self-regulating high rise, a faulty thermostat has resulted in the usually arctic offices temperature soaring []

The post Office Slob Forced To Reveal He Didnt Iron After Office Heater Wins Battle With Jumper appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Obituary: BT makes final call "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Following the announcement of job cuts, and a fall in share price to a 6 year low in February, it was clear that health had not been good.  We now regret to bring you the news that some people may find upsetting.

British Telecommunications, who has died aged 170 years, was best known for providing super un-fast broadband connections to remote coastal areas such as Warrington and Runcorn on the Mersey Estuary; including many towns isolated from London, like Milton Keynes.

The Telecom giant famed winner of a Misnomer of a Generation Award, on account of the ironically named BT Infinity hub was finally disconnected from life support yesterday; as the blue light flickered before turning orange.

The funeral will be held as soon as an Engineer is available to connect the Church microphone, between 8am to 6pm, on a day the Priest is likely to be out.

Honouring the BT legacy of achievement on the Internet Highway, a parade of Sunday drivers commandeering milk-floats will head a 3 toed Sloth-like procession down a yet to be identified motorway stretch boasting little infrastructure; progressing at a dilatory pace of 10 foot per minute.

Relatives have kindly requested no flowers.  However, exorbitant financial donations will be greedily received from contemporary rivals, subsequently being under invested in a fibre less post requiem dinner of Asda Feasters, micro-wave cheese burgers and curly fries.

Whatever other service you require, please listen to the options. When you mishear them all press number 115 to hear the options again.

Macattack1964

00:12

Joyce Shopping Around Tell All Interview That Reveals What He Had For Lunch "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Backbencher Barnaby Joyce has been shopping around the exclusive story of what he had for lunch over the weekend. The Joyce camp are hoping to get as much as $1.50 for the world exclusive.

We are hopeful that the networks will lap this story up, as Barnaby has families to feed you know, said a Spokesperson for Mr Joyce. And who wouldnt want to know what Australias greatest retail politician had for lunch.

Ill give you a clue it definitely wasnt vegan.

When asked why networks would want to pay for Barnaby Joyces story given the extremely low numbers his first tell all interview drew the Spokesperson replied: Oh look clearly that wasnt Barnabys fault he faced stiff competition I mean Channel 9s lifestyle channel ran Flip or Flop Timbuktu up against it.

This time itll be different. Maybe Barnaby could be a guest on Masterchef or Love Island. Oh hed love that.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

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Monday, 11 June

20:25

Am I crazy, or am I lead deficient? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tel Aviv IL: Pharmer Pharmaceuticals is drawing criticism over an alleged breakthrough psychiatric drug which is touted as a first in it's class. There are currently 3 groups of medications used for epilepsy, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. Amon...

19:47

Trump Planning Very Special G-7 Summit At Mar-a-Lago On 9/11 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Palm Beach, FLPresident Donald Trump has responded to recent criticism of his less than stellar performance at last weeks G-7 summit by announcing plans to hold his own much better G-7. The event will take place at his Palm Beach resort at Mar-a-Lago on September 11th. The president has already extended invitations to six other hand-picked individuals, who are ready to share Americas

18:42

Hunger can lead to anger, but compounded if wife doesn't bring me a goddamn beer. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

HARFOLD, Vt. - We've all been "hangry," that grumpy disposition when we get home late and haven't had a meal. God forbid you've missed an entire meal. But the female cafeteria staff at Harfold State College in Harfold, Vermont, have determined tha...

18:16

DIY: How to Build Your Own Guitar for Twice the Price of a Store Bought Guitar "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Really? You want to be that guy with the homemade guitar? Ok, well Im not going to tell you how to live your life. Heres how to build your own guitar for twice the price of a store bought guitar:

First youre going to need a bunch of tools you dont own yet. Thats gonna cost you more than a new Gibson but you can convince yourself that woodworking is a useful hobby and that you will use that table-saw and drill press all the time. You could also bring the lumber to your dads garage but then youll have to put up with that old bastard talking down to you and treating you like a child the whole time. Whatever you wanna do though, this was all your idea.

Next you want to shape the body. You got your strat, your dreadnaught, your mockingbird oh, who am I kidding, youre going to make a flying V, you predictable poser. The shape is as impractical as this whole idea but, hey, do your thing.

After you cut out your body and neck you are going to sand. Keep sanding. Even more. Even more sanding. You arent done sanding yet! Keep sanding until your lungs are clogged with sawdust because it isnt punk to wear proper safety gear. I didnt say stop sanding!

Related: The Hard Style Guide to Perfecting A DIY Look For $1500 Or Less ($2000, Tops)

 

You think you are almost done?! Not even close, junior. You still have to etch the fretboards, make the rod cover, and do a million coats of stain, top coat, and shielding. More than likely you are going to give up at this point, just like you do with everything else. Remember when you were going to get really into ice sculpting? Well, where is that chain saw now, buddy?

Oh, youre still with me? Trying to prove something, are you? Well its time to install the electronics and here is a wiring schematic that I am sure you will understand, no problem. Wait, where are you going? Maybe you should go get that chainsaw and end this guitar-abominations pitiful existence.

Congratulations, you just spent thousands of dollars making a guitar that looks like shit and sounds even worse. Come on, Ill give you a ride to guitar center.

The post DIY: How to Build Your Own Guitar for Twice the Price of a Store Bought Guitar appeared first on The Hard Times.

18:00

GDPR accidentally deletes Civilization "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In the rush to protect everyones data from The Matrix, an over-enthusiastic IT manager, from Stroud, may have inadvertently erased the sum of human knowledge. Sadly it looks like 100% of the internet may have been deleted and along with it 28% of mankinds knowledge and 100% of its porn.

What should have been the simple removal of three-year old emails, ended up with the deletion of the invention of the Wheel, the complete works of Shakespeare and how to use a fidget spinner. We may be forced to re-invent everything from scratch, with only rudimentary tools a bit like Brexit, then.

Explained one colleague: We thought we had a back-up somewhere Civilization 2.0. But when attempted a re-boot, we discovered that it had been taped over with Match of the Day. And you cant run a functioning society just based on the footballing anecdotes of Alan Shearer. Not outside of Newcastle.

Not everything is a disaster, as we will be able to forget the more ignoble parts of our history; like the Fall of Rome, James Corden and twerking. A new world order will need to be created, based on mutual tolerance and Socratic debate similar to happy hour at Wetherspoon.

16:00

E3 Bouncer Assures Cliff Bleszinski Hes Already Checked Guest List Three Times "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOS ANGELES Standing outside the Los Angeles Convention Center, legendary mid-2000s game developer Cliff Cliffy B Bleszinski was repeatedly told by staff that his name was not on the list of approved VIPs.  

There must be some mistake for I am Cliff Bleszinski who created iconic video game series Gears of War and dont you fucking dare mention LawBreakers or I will slit your goddamn throat, Bleszinski roared at the nonplussed security guard dragging him out of the convention center.

The incredibly frustrated developer twisted and shouted while reportedly sending multiple texts to Microsoft Studios Vice President Phil Spencer asking to be let in.

Read More From Hard Drive: Yahtzee Croshaw Single Attendee of Escapist Christmas Party

Youre announcing three new Gears of War games; the least you can do is let me do a little victory lap on stage. Allow me to pretend it is 2007 for a couple minutes, maybe rev up the ole chainsaw bayonet, tease a Jazz Jackrabbit Kickstarter, Bleszinski protested. Let me do a confusing cameo during a Fortnite thing or whatever. Ill ride the inflatable bus! Please, Ill do anything. Ill hide behind a desk and pretend its a reference to taking cover and no one even has to know!

At press time, E3 security officers shoved Bleszinski into an Uber Pool as he stuck his head out the window and yelled, I was on The Late Show with Jimmy Fallon eight years ago this is horseshit, and his career disappeared into the Los Angeles night.

The post E3 Bouncer Assures Cliff Bleszinski Hes Already Checked Guest List Three Times appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:00

Historians mystified by apparent existence of UK prior to EU "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Professional historians have been startled by the recent archaeological discovery that that the British Isles were not only populated prior to their colonisation by the EU, but that the islanders there had discovered fire, the wheel and alcohol, and even had a kind of primitive language.

We do not know if they ever got as far as engaging in trade with other countries, said researcher Mademoiselle Fifi leBlanc.  But we are amazed to find that they even had an obscure form of writing, and were actually in the process of discovering arithmetic.  It is staggering to think that rest of the world had never heard of them!

The only greater unsolved mysteries for us professional historians are why it took so long to discover Australia, and why Canada exists.   But what we can agree, is that the UK existed before Brexit were just not sure if it will be around afterwards.

15:30

Angry Busta Rhymes Delivers Stern Lecture to Son in 11 Seconds "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BROOKLYN, N.Y. Legendary MC Busta Rhymes surprised the hip-hop community this morning by dropping a sternly worded lecture on his son 10-year old son Treman that cycled through more than six life lessons in 11 seconds, sources confirmed.

As soon as I heard Tres full name and the drum machine being programmed, I knew it was going down, so I grabbed my phone and hunkered down on the patio, said Rhymes daughter, Mariah Smith, who leaked the lecture to Soundcloud. I know its supposed to be a private moment, but this is easily Dads best verse since Why Stop Now.

Even though the talking-to demonstrated the Brooklyn rappers trademark lyrical acrobatics at breakneck speed over a sparse beat, some critics were underwhelmed.

The speed is still there, but gone is the originality and unique chaos of the Busta Rhymes we all fell in love with in 94, lamented hip-hop critic and child psychologist Dr. Gatzz of Parental Guidance Advised magazine. The rhyming is rudimentary, the beat is painfully straightforward, and the advice is, at best, derivative, generic platitudes that lack true insight, which will fail to connect with the child thus leaving the problematic behavior unabated.

Related:

Rarely autobiographical in his songs, the father-son moment instigated a flurry of speculation over the Break Ya Neck rappers home life. Despite being separated by 13 floors, neighbors of the notoriously boisterous rapper heard the talk drop live, and offered their own theories.

Theres been a lot of tension in the apartment recently. Ever since the kids turned started middle school, hes started listening to indie rock, which didnt sit well with Busta, disclosed one neighbor wishing to remain anonymous. But, also, the whole familys still reeling from Tribes last album not getting nominated, so someone was bound to blow eventually. Jeezy out.

The lecture is already being considered for the upcoming mixtape, Lets Rap a compilation of tough parent-child conversations, as performed by popular hip-hop artists.

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15:14

Someone found the official flag for straight pride and its just perfect "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone found the official flag for straight Pride and well, take a look for yourself.

Perfect.

Heres how people responded on Twitter.

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14:42

People love how this woman disguised herself after winning 100m on the lottery "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This woman won $180m on the Jamaican lottery and never has ticking the no publicity box looked more fun.

Seriously, its almost enough for us not to feel jealous.

Heres a whole bunch more of pictures because frankly, we cant get enough of them.

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14:30

Toby Young had a hot take on a publishers inclusion policy and the replies were very satisfying "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Publisher Penguin Random House has announced measures to make sure its books reflect our diverse society more accurately and some people werent happy. Author Lionel Shriver criticised the policy, which had the (un)fortunate consequence of prompting Toby Young to add his hot take.

This turned out to be quite the self-own with people keen to remind Young of how he got into Oxford.

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13:54

The advert beneath this Times feature about dildos could not have been better placed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

People reckon the advert beneath this feature in the Times could not have been better placed.

Now we know a dildo is not the same as a vibrator but in this case we really cant tell the difference.

But the best comment we reckon has to be this one.

It is, it really is.

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13:23

This guys final word on that Trump picture went viral because it was funny (and we actually learned something) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was no shortage of people with something to say about this brilliant picture of Donald Trump and fellow world leaders at the G7 summit.

Like this, for instance.

Or this.

But one of the more highbrow responses more highbrow than a kiddie go-kart! was this.

But this chap was having none of it, and a very entertaining (and enlightening) thread it was too.

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13:00

Trump puts tariff on Trudeaus hair "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

According to his wife Melania, US President Donald Trump is apparently extremely jealous of Canadas Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, with his youthful film-star looks and thick locks of his own hair.

I really worry about Donald sometimes, eating cheeseburgers all day and tweeting into the early hours.  I really do hope he doesnt blow up the world because he has promised to buy me the biggest diamond ring in the history of the universe, so I hope all those poor people in Africa and other shithole countries will keep digging and find it one day soon.

Vladimir Putin thanked Melania for being Russias greatest-ever spy:  Who needs social media manipulation and cyber attacks when we have Melania?

11:59

Aussie TV chose not to censor what Robert de Niro said about Donald Trump and were very grateful "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Robert de Niro telling the Tony awards audience in New York exactly what he thinks about Donald Trump.

And he got a standing ovation for it.

Except it was bleeped out for American TV audiences watching the awards ceremony from New York.

Not here though.

Thank goodness for that.

11:41

Grandmas reaction to this womans Pride flag is the most heartwarming thing youll read this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The older generation arent always up-to-date with the ways of the world, but when one woman was getting ready to join her local LGBTQ+ Pride march, her grandma did the sweetest thing.

The post went viral, because its such a positive image, so Lexie also shared the story of coming out to her grandma.

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11:27

Whoever designed these sandals forgot that people sometimes cross their legs "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Have you spotted it yet? Of course youve spotted it.

Turns out it hasnt stopped people buying them we just looked on ASOS and theyre sold out. Quick, someone make some more!

Just in case you still didnt see it.

As someone else pointed out, maybe thats the reason they are 20 off.

11:00

UN rules should make wars a little less rapey and killy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An innovative move inspired by the great sporting heritage of International Boxing was unveiled by the UN today, following Red Cross calls for a daily two-hour ceasefire in Homs.

Boxing in its infancy allowed men to have the novel experience of being able to punch seven shades of shit out of each other in the controlled environment of a boxing ring, especially if they remembered to grasp a bar of lead before putting the gloves on, laughed the UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon today and passers-by didnt get hit over the head with a bar stool. More rules followed, most importantly the Round, Break, Round, Break sequence which generally gave better survival rates. We see no reason why this wouldnt work with war which, if were being honest, has a truly dreadful Health & Safety history.

Mr Ban enthusiastically outlined how, with just an hours pause in hostilities each day, combatants might nip down to A&E for urgent medical treatment or, if it was a local event, perhaps do the school run or fit in the weekly Tesco shop. Or maybe just chill out for a while, with a blueberry muffin and skinny Mochachino in Starbucks he suggested.

UN military analysts, trained on Demolition City 2 and War of Legends, and informed by TV coverage of conflicts in the Middle East, believe traditional war waging is no longer fit for purpose. What were after in the 21st century is a truly civil war said the Secretary General, with a handshake at the end and none of that rape and pillage malarkey.

He went on to outline his own ideas for fairer wars, including trained medical staff on hand, a referee to break up the party if things really start to get out of hand, three independent judges to score the event, toilet facilities, non-contributory pensions, safe sex advice, a rest room and two dedicated smoking areas. One to smoke cigarettes and cigars in; the other to be placed in after youve been hit with incendiary ordnance. That should stop other people being affected by your smoking.

Some insiders have suggest that, outside the world of on-line gaming, there might be some difficulty in enforcing such rules but the UN boss was upbeat. On the day, the referee could dock a side one or more points or even disqualify them from the match. Then, post-match, we have severe financial penalties or even the loss of a War Licence. Well stop at nothing to ensure fair play.

dvo4fun

10:52

Heres Why Kink-Shaming The Poo Jogger Is Problematic For People Who Like Laying Cable In Public Places "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

JAMIE HOTTAKE | Outrage | CONTACT If you have had access to a social media over the last 72 hours then youd know that a high-powered white-collar Queensland executive has resigned from his role Aveo Groups national quality manager after being identified as Brisbanes notorious poo jogger. It is believed that the alleged fouled the private footpath of an apartment []

The post Heres Why Kink-Shaming The Poo Jogger Is Problematic For People Who Like Laying Cable In Public Places appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:34

Favourite 20 times this Tommy Robinson supporter was brutally owned on Twitter "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

On Saturday, supporters of EDL founder, Tommy Robinson, marched through London, calling for him to be released from jail where he is serving a 14-month sentence for contempt of court and breaking the parole conditions for his previous conviction of you guessed it contempt of court.

A supporter tweeted this supposed aerial view of the march.

Except, that picture actually shows the huge turnout for Liverpools victory parade when they won the Champions League in 2005. The error was very quickly pointed out.

10:05

Trump-Kim Meeting To Take Place In High Security Playpen "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

trump and kim playing

Security measures have been ramped up for the upcoming meeting between Donald Trump and Kim-Jong Un, with the leaders to meet in in a playpen fitted with extra child-safe locks and a full-perimeter fence.

The Secret Service began setting up the Tick-Tock Playtime Playpen this morning, Singapore time, being sure to secure the Velcro straps, and correctly insert the no-fuss rubber playmat. Toys will be added to the playpen in time for the meeting.

A spokesperson for the Secret Service said the two leaders would be supervised at all times. We have minders on hand to clean up any mess or to step in when there are tantrums, he said.

In the lead up to the meeting, Donald said that he had more planes and helicopters and ships than Kim so there.

09:03

Emmanuel Macrons Trump handshake went viral because it left quite a mark "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trumps got a bit of history with handshakes as youll remember, and French president Emmanuel Macron was having none of it at the G7 conference.

Just take a look at this. Here is the French premier shaking hands with the so-called president.

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08:53

The 14 most hilariously underwhelmed reactions to the Great Yorkshire Earthquake of 2018 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

On Saturday night, an earthquake rocked well, vibrated parts of Yorkshire and Lincolnshire, prompting a completely underwhelmed response from the residents. These 14 reactions nailed the very British attitude to the incident.

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08:33

I Guess We Could Go To The Casino Says Sydney Bucks Party Organiser At 9:30PM "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After three months of organising, a group of Queenslanders have realised that the Harbour City might not have been the best place to host a bucks party. Bottle shops are open for like another hour says the brainchild behind this weekend, Lee. We could buy s bunch of vodka and mixers and try and sneak []

The post I Guess We Could Go To The Casino Says Sydney Bucks Party Organiser At 9:30PM appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:26

Fox News said this about Donald Trump and its their most honest 3 seconds ever "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fox News took a break from being Donald Trumps cheerleader in chief to do this and people are saying its the most honest 3 seconds in their history.

Cant wait to see their coverage of the summit with Kim Jong-un in full.

And heres what people made of it online.

After #Tw...

02:27

Today Is Your Birthday, Okay Australia Tells Queen "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Even though she turned 92 in April, Australia has decided that today is the Queen Of Englands birthday. And weve even given ourselves a public holiday, in most places except for Western Australia, even though they dont have a holiday in England. Weve also justified today by handing out odd kind of pointless titles to []

The post Today Is Your Birthday, Okay Australia Tells Queen appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Britain breathes a massive sigh as Colour is trooped "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For weeks now tension has been building with the country seemingly paralysed by an almost palpable feeling of tense excitement, foreboding and uncertainty.

But now the shadow has passed and we can all get on with enjoying the remainder of the year as The Colour has, much to the relief of everyone, finally been trooped and Britain can once more go about its business.

Alf Rodgers, an unemployed factory worker from Bethnal Green, cruelly thrown on the scrap heap when his factory was compulsorily purchased for new inner city polo ground and who was in the crowd on The Mall said: This has made my Summer . I aint got naffink, me, but I love Britains sense of occasion and pageantry.  Its sammink what sustains me throughout the year, especially when I aint got sod all to eat, like now.  Dont suppose youd have a spare few quid for a cuppa, mate?

And the ceremony itself wasnt without more excitement than usual this year, when sensationally The Colour was snatched momentarily from hands of the Colour Sargent by two youths on a moped.  However catastrophe was averted when approximately 5000 soldiers surrounded the hapless pair and then kicked the living shit out of them, thus securing the Colours troopedness for the nation once more.

Wednesday, 23 May

07:03

"Ptomaine Romaine" Scare Threatens Lettuce Growers Everywhere "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With the E. coli outbreak that infected one variety of Arizona's lettuce crop now seemingly at an end, the Farm Bureau has urged all concerned to romaine calm. However, the fallout from the crisis has had a devastating financial impact on the entire...

06:47

Man Attacked By Ducklings "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Residents in the Battambang commune of Tapon are on high-alert this evening after a local man claimed he was attacked by ducklings. The incident is alleged to have taken place just before teatime in the back garden of Moys Kenwood, who told neighb...

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