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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Monday, 19 September

15:59

Devout Straight Edger Celebrates 145th Birthday Poison-Free, Alone "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

POCONOS MOUNTAINS, Penn. – Former Philadelphia resident and a lifelong follower of the straight edge lifestyle Craig Holden celebrated his 145th birthday this week in a remote wooded cabin, completely drug free and totally alone.

Scientists believe that Holden’s dedication to the counter culture lifestyle is the reason behind his incredibly long life. Holden’s doctor Dr. Rodney Steiner has been studying the aging straight edger more than 40 years.

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15:09

"IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Unnecessary bleeps and blurs turns Disney’s latest family film into an absolute barrage of filth and innuendo.

15:02

Someone is very specific about not having their food stolen "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Somebody who likes counting rice doesn’t want their food stolen – clearly the best thing to do in this situation is to add one shrimp and three grains of rice.

The post Someone is very specific about not having their food stolen appeared first on The Poke.

14:41

Yet more unrealistic body standards for women "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We’ve highlighted how the fashion industry forces unrealistic beauty standards on both women and men before, but this latest example is just absolutely ridiculous.

The post Yet more unrealistic body standards for women appeared first on The Poke.

12:57

A teacher shares their worst fear "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

On the upside – as it was a class of 30 13-year-olds, none of them were probably paying attention.

The post A teacher shares their worst fear appeared first on The Poke.

12:49

This Swiss “mountain finding” sign is a masterpiece of inventiveness. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Why use signs to point at mountains, when you can use metal tubes to give you an exact view? Presumably views that will be quickly ruined by spiders and other insects nesting inside the rusty pipes…

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(via leloupdujura/reddit)

The post This Swiss “mountain finding” sign is a masterpiece of inventiveness. appeared first on The Poke.

12:26

How Mel and Sue used coats and swearing to make the GBBO better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

melsuegbbo_thumb

Clearly Mel and Sue are the best bit of GBBO, highlighted by this story about how they almost quit the show early on – and how they fought to make it nice, instead of the usual exploitative reality TV.

From an article on Eater:

Here’s something you might not know about Mel and Sue: they nearly quit once before. Last year, while promoting her memoir, Sue revealed that she and Mel walked off the set during Bake Off’s first season because the producers were trying to coax human-interest drama—and the inevitable tears—out of contestants.

“We felt uncomfortable with it, and we said ‘We don’t think you’ve got the right presenters,’” Sue told the Telegraph. “I’m proud that we did that, because what we were saying was ‘Let’s try and do this a different way’—and no one ever cried again. Maybe they cry because their soufflé collapsed, but nobody’s crying because someone’s going ‘Does this mean a lot about your grandmother?’”

Bringing up dead relatives at stressful times is a time-honored technique for introducing tension into a television show, but it’s no way to treat your family.”

And how they also used coats and swearing to protect contestants.

When contestants do cry—out of frustration or disappointment, generally—Mel and Sue stand near them and use un-airable language so the embarrassing footage is tainted, and won’t make it into the final edit. “If we see them crying or something,” Sue told the Guardian, “Mel and I will go over there and put our coats over them, or swear a lot because we know then that the film won’t be able to be used.”

gallery-1473873218-great-british-bake-off-batter-week-sue-perkins-mel-giedroyc-tickle

The post How Mel and Sue used coats and swearing to make the GBBO better appeared first on The Poke.

12:05

The speed at which this Tetris Grandmaster plays seems almost inhuman "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who may or may not be human sets a terrifyingly fast speedrun record on Tetris: The Grandmaster. And yes, he sleeps next to the arcade cabinet.

As you’d expect, the YouTube comments are a mixed bag…

tetris_speedrun_ytcomments

Kevin Birrel is apparently one of six Tetris Grandmasters in the world – the other five are Japanese, so who knows what terrifying speeds they play at. Here’s an interview with Kev when he made Grandmaster.

The post The speed at which this Tetris Grandmaster plays seems almost inhuman appeared first on The Poke.

10:55

Electronics repair shop turns lemons into lemonade "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An electronics repair shop cleverly turns their broken door into an advert.

The post Electronics repair shop turns lemons into lemonade appeared first on The Poke.

10:46

16 cats doing a better job of modelling than their human counterparts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

catmodel9

There’s a reason why they named the modelling runway a catwalk and not the humanwalk, so here are 16 cats demonstrating why modelling is simply second nature to them.

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But there’s always that one cat that didn’t get the memo!
catmodel17

Source: Imgur

HT: eatliver.com

The post...

10:33

How they come up with titles for mobile games "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This comic by bigbuddyboy gives some insight into the naming process of mobile games.

The post How they come up with titles for mobile games appeared first on The Poke.

09:02

Local Punter Doesn’t Know What Q&A Is, But Barnesy Better Play Some Of His Old Stuff "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

19 September, 2016 17:35 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Tonight will mark the first time that local panel beater, Tony Manakis (48) hasn’t watched the ABC since they had sole broadcasting rights for international test cricket. He says he doesn’t know too much about this Q&A shit, but if he was ever going to watch something on the […]

07:13

Dolphins Prop Reportedly Roots Eight Women After Premiership-Winning Field Goal "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

19 September, 2016 15:35 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Betoota Dolphins prop, Findlay Mignon (26), has reportedly slept with eight different women since Saturday’s spectacular premiership winning field goal. The husky gentleman became a club hero after he kicked a field goal at 80 minutes to defeat the Noccundra Brahams 17-16. The Honourable Bob Katter MP, who was present on […]

07:00

10 tips to improve your life #112 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Together with Twop Twips we present you with another ten totally useless tips to help you live your life to the full.

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toptipsweek_1dan

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toptipsweek_2facebook

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toptipsweek_3cameronbed

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toptipsweek_7COMMUTERS

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toptipsweek_8grantbull

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toptipsweek_9parma

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toptipsweek_10kyle

twop_twips_iconFor more of this kind of thing, and to submit your own tips, follow @twoptwips on Twitter or on Facebook: TwopTwips. You can even buy the book here.

Previously: 10 tips to improve your life #111

The post 10 tips to improve your life #112 appeared first on The Poke.

04:11

Surry Hills Mum Hoping Kids Pick Their Genders Before She Sends Them To Private School "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

19 September, 2016 12:35 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Surry Hills mother, Lynne Seede, is having trouble deciding which elite private school she should book Tarquin and Geneva into. “I hope whichever religious institution we decide upon is supportive of Tarquin and Geneva’s decisions,” she says. “For the good part of the decade, I’ve successfully raised two gender-neutral children, […]

04:00

Horus, The Egyptian Sky God, Arrested For Suspected Links To ISIS "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In related news, Osiris wanted in connection with an ancient pyramid scheme.

03:14

Shock as Mad Monday celebrations in regional Victoria go without blackface incident "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

19 September, 2016. 10:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact THE NATION HAS BEEN forced to pick up the pieces today after Mad Monday celebrations in regional Victoria failed to net a single instance of blackface over the weekend, breaking with an age old tradition. Attending post-season celebrations painted head-to-toe in jet black paint has […]

01:45

Local Truckie Excited That Christmas Is Only Three Sleeps Away "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

19 September, 2016 09:35 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local truckie, Bill Kirkpatrick is stoked that Christmas is only three, maybe four, sleeps away. Speaking to The Betoota Advocate this morning through clenched, gurning teeth, Bill says he’s excited to get away to Port Macquarie with the missus over the Summer break. “It’s gonna be a good chance […]

00:28

“That Footy Player In The Headgear Is The Only Sensible One Out There” Declare Nation’s Mums "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

thursaton

Australia’s mums have responded to another pulsating round of football finals action by issuing a joint statement that the bloke out there with the headgear on is the only sensible player on the field.

“See that one there, him with the thing on his head, he’s the only one with any sense,” said Turramurra mum Janice Scone as she watched Friday night’s epic NRL encounter between the Brisbane Broncos and the North Queensland Cowboys. “If I was the coach they’d all be wearing those things on their head. And why do they have to kick it all the time?”

“That guy there with the red concussion thing on his head must be the only one listening to his girlfriend,” said Wangaratta mum Dot Pikelet from the couch while watching Saturday night’s AFL semi. “Those things should be compulsory. And don’t faff around with it, boot it down the field. And don’t pick your bugle right in front of the TV cameras.”

The nation’s mums awarded the man of the match award to the only one out there with any brains in his head. The one with the padding on his head.

“That Thurston is the smartest one out there,” said Cooktown mum Denise Beanie. “You know why? Not because he’s a good player. No, because he has that thing on his head.”

Peter Green
http://www.twitter.com/Greeny_Peter

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook.


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Sunday, 18 September

18:55

None of the Reunited Misfits Recognize Drummer "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CHICAGO — With the reunited Misfits fresh off a successful debut at Riot Fest Denver, fans attending the upcoming Chicago date have expressed high hopes for the second performance by the original lineup, as Doyle, Jerry Only, and Glenn Danzig seemed to remember every riff and line from the good ol’ days like it was muscle memory.

Their only problem so far? None of the band members seem to recognize drummer Dave Lombardo.

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16:00

Cameron simultaneously worst PM for two countries "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Former prime-minister, David Cameron, is in the running for two ‘worst prime-minister’ awards from Britain and Libya.  Cameron was characteristically modest; ‘It was partly luck, usually if you start a disastrous bombing campaign without any plan for what comes next, you’re not prime-minister for much longer, but I have to pay tribute to the labour party for letting me have another go and start a disastrous Brexit referendum without any plan for what comes next.’

After resigning as an MP, Mr Cameron admitted he didn’t have any plan for what comes next. ‘That’s always worked well in the past after all.’

14:08

Australia Officially Most Anti-Muslim Country In the World "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Australia is officially the most Anti-Muslim Country in the world. Anti Muslim protests arise shortly after a organized Australian airstrike that killed over 80,000 Hostile AND Civilian Musli

13:00

BBC forced to publish names and salaries of lowest paid staff "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

‘I am privileged to remove the faecal residue left by Mr Nick Robinson from the newsroom toilet bowls of the BBC,’ said Milos Kerar from Slovenia. ‘Mr Robinson is well worth the estimated £175,000 a year he is paid by the licence fee payer, while I earn the London minimum wage of £8.25 an hour, which means Mr Robinson is paid about 60 times what I earn.  But with his caustic questions and the obvious eye strain he has suffered while serving the public in the role of Conservative-leaning political interlocutor, he is worth every penny he spends defecating in those publicly funded toilets.’

Amelia Daciana from Romania says she has to clean the desk of Chris Evans, another highly paid star:  ‘I get up even earlier than Mr Evans to earn an estimated £15500 a year with overtime to remove this understandably bad tempered man’s chocolate bar wrappings, coffee cups and wonderful creative doodles.  But I do not blame the BBC for my low pay compared to that of Mr Shouty.  They have employed an agency to pay me so they can rightly wash their hands of any accusation that they are mean.  Sometimes I imagine BBC executives washing their hands in this way using the very wash basins I clean at 4am every morning, having got up even earlier than John Humphrys, the longest serving millionaire BBC star, whose mucus-filled tissues I often remove from the bins of the newsroom offices’.

‘I realise one day Mrs May, who earns considerably less than Huw Edwards (even though she dresses nicelier) will Brexify me and colleagues like me.  I imagine English people will rush forward to reclaim the honour of receiving tax credits and under £8.50 an hour for the privilege of jobs like being a part time low income security guard.  That involves endless staring at CCTV screens to protect the valuable life of high-earner Evan Davies, whose portrayal of Dobbie in Harry Potter movies my hungry children so much enjoyed.’

11:00

Mad Hatter, dormouse elected to Congress in Tea Party landslide "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

everyone admits they'll really miss Nancy PelosiVoters in Wonderland have elected a series of right-wing Tea Party candidates, including the Mad Hatter, the March hare and the dormouse, to Congress in the country’s mid-term elections.

The result was a disaster for the ruling Democrats.   ‘I understand that people are frustrated with our lack of progress on some issues,’ the President admitted. Polls have shown that there is growing anger at rising crime rates, with tart theft at an all-time high, and that a majority of voters no longer believe that the Jabberwock can be slain, but that Wonderland troops should whiffle home as soon as possible. The President telephoned the new Speaker of the House of Representatives, the Mad Hatter – a Tea Party grandee – to offer his congratulations and to find out what the difference is between a raven and a writing-desk.

The Tea Party, a right-wing movement within the mainsteam Republican group, put in a strong showing. Although she was not standing for election, the movement’s leader, the Red Queen, had spent the campaign storming up and down the country yelling ‘Off with his head!’ and ‘Lobster quadrille, baby, quadrille’, which seems to have paid off. The results put the Red Queen in a strong position to run for the presidency in 2012, a contest which will begin later this year with the Republican Caucus-Race. She denied that her support base was composed mainly of dodos and White Rabbit supremacists.

One voter, the Mock Turtle, explained why he had defected to the Tea Party. ‘A while back I was totally persuaded by the cool, purring Illinois Cat,’ he said. ‘I really thought he could make a difference. But over time, he’s just sort of vanished and left nothing behind him but a reformed healthcare system, a fledgling economic recovery, and a broad grin that just hangs there in midair. It’s big government gone mad. God bless Wonderland!’

3rd November 2010

06:32

Local Baby Boomer Concerned About The Amount Of Fun Happening At Nearby Pub "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

18 September, 2016. 14:15 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local baby boomer, Francis Garvey (66) has already called the police thirteen times this weekend. The main issue, Francis says, is that she is having trouble watching her favourite reruns of M.A.S.H with the faint thuds of a vibrant live music venue at the end […]

02:22

General Pants fires salesperson on-the-spot for playing Toby Keith in-store "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

18 September, 2016. 10:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact THOUGH HE’S NOT AS GOOD as he once was, Kenny Carpmann could sell a denim jacket to a recalcitrant teenage girl while he sold a pair of sunnies to a blind man. But the star salesman was fired on the spot yesterday from his position at Chermside […]

00:55

Poor school children can no longer wear vegetables "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A 14 year old schoolboy has had his cauliflower footwear taken from him at school because they didn’t follow the school’s uniform guidelines.  Colin Rafferty was told that his brand new Cruciferous Brassicas, which cost £3 a pair at a local supermarket, did not meet St Barry’s school uniform guidelines, as they were, technically, vegetables.

The ‘shoes’ were confiscated and he was given some real shoes from lost property to wear until his family could purchase more suitable attire.  St Barry’s staff met students at the school gates on the first day of term to check that their uniform complied with the school’s new, stricter rules before letting them to go to class.  Colin’s mother, Carol, 39, was furious:  ‘Colin arrived at school to be told that cole crops were no longer deemed suitable footwear for school.  He was mortified!  He wore them all last year and nobody seemed to care!  There’s nothing in the school’s rules about not wearing a cauliflower on each foot.  It’s a disgrace!’

We understand that Headteacher, Brian Nettles, has agreed to hand back Colin’s own footwear as they were starting to go off, had become infested with caterpillars and were generally, stinking up his office.  He refused to comment on this individual case, but issued a press release stating the following: ‘St Barrys’ school uniform policy can be seen clearly on our website with images showing acceptable footwear.  Root vegetables, brassicas and soft fruits are no longer permitted. Our new uniform policy has been in place since the beginning of September and students wearing incorrect uniform have been sent home to change’.  Mr Nettles would not discuss Ms Rafferty’s accusation that another boy had been allowed to wear half a butternut squash on each foot, but admitted that an exception had been made for a student with a pre-existing medical condition.

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Saturday, 17 September

21:06

Nibiru Fears Rock White House "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The White House is fractured. While Obama hopes to exit the Oval Office without any mention of Nibiru tarnishing his presidential legacy, opposition within his fragmented administration is urging the president to make a public announcement –defying an agreement with Vladimir Putin—in case Nibiru becomes visible to the world before he vacates office.

Our confidential source, a Washington insider with ties to the current administration, defines the current atmosphere in the White House obama-madas “a chaotic mess.” A splinter group, our source said, defied presidential policy and leaked information about the dark star to the press; on Wednesday, White House Office of Science and Technology Director John Holdren further distanced himself from Obama’s inner circle by acknowledging that the Earth remains vulnerable to interplanetary disasters. Although he failed to mention the word Nibiru—that could explain why he was not terminated or disappeared—Holdren said: “We’re not prepared. We have to be smarter than the dinosaurs. If we are to be a capable civilization as technology allows, we need to be prepared for rare events, because they can do a lot of damage to the Earth.”

Holdren, along with other dissident elements, are taking advantage of Obama’s absence. “Obama is out busy campaigning for his preferred successor, Hilary Clinton. At the moment he is an absentee president,” our source said. “There are people within the administration and the space agency who believe disclosure about Nibiru is needed, and in their own way attempt to get information out without speaking too candid about the topic. Holdren is aware of the threat. He is a family man. But I’m certain he also fears for himself and his loved ones. Defying the president is not without consequence.”

Many believe the president holds no real power, and is a puppet manipulated by secret groups like The Illuminati, the Bilderbergs, or Planet-X-557412Majestic 12. These groups may exist and exert influence over presidential policy, but do not dictate day-to-day operations inside the White House. That job belongs to three women; Susan Rice, Victoria Nuland, and Samantha Powers, collectively known as “The Washington Furies.” They subjugate the president, and are the true policy makers of the administration.  Earlier this year, Obama appointed Nuland as Nibiru Czar, at her insistence.

“These women hold immense power,” our source said. “They have twisted the president’s arm and are the primary reason he has not gone public about Nibiru.”

The Furies insulate Obama from the pressure of outside influence.  They want to ensure future history texts paint a favorable portrait of their president. If he were...

19:18

Man In Owensboro Roams Streets As "Deplorable Man" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man, who goes by the name of "Deplorable Man", now roams the streets of Owensboro, Ky. Deplorable Man reportedly created a large basket to sit in and sent himself to the courthouse. Police came to remove the man. However, he refused while saying he...

18:55

Owensboro Man Finds Trump Dollar, Calls It Sign From God "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Gerard Freeman from Owensboro, Ky has reportedly found a dollar with the face of Trump on it. The man was reading the bible and praying to God when, in the bible, he found the dollar. The man claims, "This must be a sign from God! I was praying a...

18:30

Crust Punk Hops Train to Parents’ Lake House "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MINNEAPOLIS — Local crust punk Chris Spencer gathered his belongings early Wednesday morning from the Trash Compactor, a Northeast Minneapolis punk squat, and left by train for a long, relaxing weekend at his parents’ lakeside home, according to confirmed reports.

“It’s gonna be sick to get away from the grind for a while and spend some time relaxing with the family,” said Spencer, peering down the tracks in anticipation of the oncoming train. “I hear Aunt Julie and the kids are coming down from Bemidji, too, so the whole crew will be there. Did somebody say croquet tournament?”

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Friday, 16 September

22:18

After Almost Accidentally Winning Buffalo Bills Fire Offensive Coordinator "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After getting the Bills within striking distance of their rival the New York Jets in a 37-31 shootout, Rex Ryan took appropriate action, firing Offensive Coordinator Greg Roman. "I didn't bring my loser brother in here to tank the defense, only...

21:00

Celebrity Athiests To Lead Prayer Groups Against Trump "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Jack Nickelson, Steve Wozaniak, Jodie Foster, Bill Gates, Woody Allen, Seth Macfarlane, Steven hawking, Richard Dawkins Bill Mahr, Facebook Mark Zukerberg, Matt Damon and other famous atheists and agnostics are enlisting people to join prayer groups.

19:49

Trump's Birtherism Reversal moves "Great Again" Clock 15 Minutes Forward "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Washington -- Donald Trump's discovery that President Barrack Obama was born in the United States caused the "Great Again Clock" to move 15 minutes closer to 12 midnight, the point at which America will be confirmed to have once again returned to g...

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Tuesday, 16 August

05:01

Hillary Spotted at Trump Rally, Screams out to Bill for Help "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fairfield, CT -- At a rally last night, Donald J. Trump spotted a woman in the audience suspected to be Hillary Clinton. As Trump called for her "immediate eviction", the crowd became more rowdy. The mysterious woman raced out of the stadium, scream...

04:09

Johny Depp cuts off Will Turners Head - sends it to soon to be ex-wife as a divorce prank "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In an intoxicated rage and was initially thought to be a miscue Jack Sparrow has chopped off Will Turners Head on the set of filming of the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie in the Gold Coast and sent it to his soon to be ex-wife. It later tur...

02:53

Kirk visited by World Leaders on the eve of his Life and Death Trumphole™ mission launch "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As Admiral James T. Kirk (frmly ret. but now temp unret.) prepares his ship and film crew for his planetary life and death battle with the rogue Trumphole™ heading towards earth. Many well wishers from around the world are paying their last...

01:45

You Ted Cruz! You're Full Of Fareed Zakaria "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Puffing through his foreign policy address, while holding onto the podium with one hand, Donald Trump appeared to wheeze out his declaration that Hillary Clinton did not have the stamina or temperament to be president. Shifting hands, one always g...

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Monday, 15 August

04:18

Donald Trump's America: A Review "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

My wife and I went to see a movie called Trump's America at a local multiplex which will remain unnamed. When I purchased the tickets for the movie, the cashier behind the window asked to see my and my wife's photo IDs, to make sure we weren't Mexic...

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Sunday, 14 August

06:39

Feverish bidding on e-bay for dumped green water from Rio Diving Pool "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Olympic officials have finally been forced to dump the green water from the diving pool. Citing media backlash as their main concern they have begun the technical process of dumping the water and refreshing it. Given how much money Brazil is losi...

04:34

Trump denies all association with deadly Trumphole heading towards earth - says it is a Clinton Campaign dirty trick "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For those that have been following the unfolding Trumphole Drama. Trump is today on the warpath as he finds out scientists have named the deadly rogue blackhole after him (or what has been called the Trumphole) and claims Clinton campaign had paid...

04:31

Hacktavists rebroadcasting Kirks battle with the deadly Trumphole are shutdown by Hollywood lawyers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As Admiral Kirk (ret) of the Starship USS Enterprise readies for his battle with a rogue Trumphole heading for earth a bigger fight between Hacktavists and Hollywood lawyers has erupted. Hacktavists claim that this is far too important for any pet...

04:27

Admiral Kirk (ret) to come out of retirement to hunt Trumphole heading towards earth "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a breaking development on the Trumphole threat to the planet, Admiral Kirk (ret) of the star ship USS Enterprise is to come out of retirement to lead a mission to tackle the Trumphole reported by Scientists to have a deadly earth trajectory. Sh...

Saturday, 13 August

23:46

Queensland Police open investigation into why ABC journalist dumped in unauthorised area of the outback "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Outrage this morning after it has come to light that Police have dumped an ABC journalist in an un-authorised area of the outback. Police have been quick to note that the official documentation of the correct location for dumping journalists had...

18:50

Little known new law in Australia makes it illegal to be in public when you have a cold "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Australian Broadcasting Company (ABC) journalist has today been arrested and beaten for being in possession of a cold outside a local hardware store. Police stopped him as he exited the store citing that he "looked sus" and immediately tried to gi...

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