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Thursday, 23 November

22:26

Zimbabweans Demand Nation Be Renamed Something Beginning With The Letter A "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tired of always being the last country to march into the stadium at the Olympics, the people of Zimbabwe have taken to the streets after the deposing of Robert Mugabe demanding the new government change the name of the nation to something starting with A.

Were sick and tired of having sit up in the nosebleed section at the United Nations and we always get the dodgy desk from the back of the store room at conferences because theyve invariably run out of good ones by the time they get to us, complained Punctuality Olonga as he danced amongst crowds in the streets following the news that the 37 year rule of Mugabe was over. It was nice to honour the civilisation of Great Zimbabwe and were rightly proud of all that but I reckon those guys didnt even use a proto-Sinaitic based Greco-Phoenician alphabet so why we need to start the everything with a Z beats me.

I reckon we could change it to something like Aardvarkia or AAAZimbabwe like a plumber trying to get his name up the front of the phone book, said Generous Masakadza as she fired celebratory bullets into the air amid the cheering throng. Ive got nothing against Zambians but we always get to the dessert buffet after them and they inevitably take the last butterfly cake.

The incoming President Emmerson Mnangagwa has vowed to restore democracy, turn around the economy and get to work on looking for a new n...

22:21

The responses to this tweet about hotel room numbers were historically funny "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well thats fortunate.

Cue lots of this sort of stuff.

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22:05

If you read only one Donald Trump transcript this week, read this one "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump thinks the US air force has got an invisible fighter plane. Not just invisible on radar. REALLY invisible.

Like the rubbish invisible plane in Wonder Woman or the rubbish invisible car in Die Another Day.

Heres Trump talking to the US coast guard today.

And a genuine transcript of what he said.

Oh, and that invisible plane hes talking about. Yep, barely visible.

READ MORE

Donald Trump interviews are even scarier when you read the transcript

Source

The post...

17:30

Punk Mom Finally Putting out Previously Unreleased Thanksgiving Sides "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

EVANSTON, Ill. Punk mother Danica Friedman announced she would be distributing a compilation of previously unreleased, rarely tasted Thanksgiving sides this year, family sources confirmed.

Reaction has been overwhelmingly positive, as many of these sides had long been mere rumors and legend.

Holy shit were actually getting a taste of this stuff! 17-year-old son Alexander Friedman said. I mean, Ive been my moms son all my life, and even Ive never experienced her glazed yams with marshmallows. Apparently she only made it a couple of times, like, 20 years ago.

Friedmans husband, Garrett, echoed his sons excitement.

This is such a triumphant moment for fans of her cooking like me, who have stuck with Danica through the good times and the bad, said Mr. Friedman. Our first Thanksgiving together, she made this pumpkin cornbread that made me want to marry her on the spot. It took her 22 years to revisit the recipe she went through a strange experimental phase where she was really into tapioca pudding. But, its finally happening, and thats all that matters.

After a few years of rehashing Thanksgiving classics, Ms. Friedman wanted to revisit some lesser-known favorites.

I figured I would throw a bunch of my old sides together for the holiday just a cool little thing for my family, Ms. Friedman said. Theres been a hell of a lot of them over the years, too. It was fun going through the recipes again and remastering them. Honestly, Id totally forgot how to make the ham-and-green bean casserole.

The assortment allegedly includes favorites from special events outside of the holiday season.

Related:

Shes digging really deep into the archives, Mr. Friedman said in amazement, browsing the list of sides. I mean, the stuffing with sausage and sage in it? She made that one time for a random dinner with the Hendersons in, like, 2003. Thats gonna be a real nostalgia trip for me.

...

17:08

When youre accidentally invited to a birthday party and end up going anyway "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well heres a tale to warm your heart, as told by Lucas Velasquez on Twitter.

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And a whole heap of people ended up sending their birthday wishes.

16:47

Pie firm suffers northern backlash after epic gravy fail "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Hollands Pies the home of proper pies and puds showing off its proper northern credentials.

Except that gravy! Heres just a taste of the fury that followed.

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16:37

HIV Needles Are Being Placed on Gas Pump Handles Over 40 People Already Infected "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

gas

JACKSONVILLE, Florida  

Captain Abraham Sands of the Jacksonville, Florida Police Department released a statement cautioning people about a new, dangerous event that has been happening throughout the state.

I have been asked by state and local authorities to write this email in order to get the word out to car drivers of a very dangerous prank that is occurring in numerous states, said Sands. Some person or persons have been affixing hypodermic needles to the underside of gas pump handles. These needles appear to be infected with HIV positive blood. In the Jacksonville area alone there have been 17 cases of people being stuck by these needles over the past five months. We have verified reports of at least 12 others in various states around the country.

It is believed that these may be copycat incidents, as this crime has happened in the past, and was a popular prank in the early 1990s. At this point no one has been arrested, and police say catching the perpetrator or perpetrators has become a top priority.

Shockingly, of the 17 people who where stuck, eight have tested HIV positive and because of the nature of the disease, the others could test positive in a couple years, according to physicians, said Sands. If you do find a needle affixed to one, immediately contact your local police department so they can collect the evidence. It is IMPERATIVE that you check the handle of the pump before you grab it. It could save your life.

16:32

The FDA and CDC Just CONFIRMED That Vaccines Cause Autism "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

autism

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

Theres widespread and growing lack of confidence in the safety of vaccines. If you know anyone who still believes that vaccines cant cause autism, you might want to show them this article. Take a look at the DTaP vaccine insert:

dtap-autism-insert

These reports come directly from the FDA website, where they have had it posted for several years, although it was buried under a lot of links and other research that obscured the actual research.

This has been a problem for many, many years, and Im glad its finally coming to light, said Dr. Mario Garcia, who was one of the first to find the correlation between vaccines and autism. I was shut out for years from being able to talk about this, but now that others are finding out, I am very grateful. Please, do not vaccinate your children.

 

16:00

Readers Digest finally enters porn market "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The American publishing giant is to issue abridged versions of porn videos in the easy to digest format that is the companys hallmark.

Were aiming at the busy client who doesnt have time to watch the whole movie, explains RD executive Mark Sims. Market research has shown that 94 per cent of foreplay footage ends up never being watched. In fact, viewers admit to fast forwarding through anything that doesnt consist of close-up shots of palpitating genitals.

Mr Sims is confident of success. Having reduced a masterpiece like War and Peace to fifty pages, we should have no trouble trimming down works such as Lawrence of the Labia or Hedda Gobbler to their essentials without compromising artistic integrity.

15:38

Someone counted who gets all the lines in Netflixs no mans land western, Godless "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Welcome to no mans land says the trailer for Netflixs new female western, Godless, set in a town mysteriously made up entirely of women.

Thats not the only mystery about the new show after @innesmck on Twitter kept a note during the pilot episode of the number of lines men had against the number of lines women had.

And this was the result.

Those workings in full.

For a town made up entirely of women, the men do a helluva lot of talking.

Some people suggested the trailer didnt suggest anything else, and that perceptions of it being a female western was purely down the viewer.

...

15:18

Cartoon of the week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Yep, pretty much nails it, by Peter Brookes in the Times.

Not everyone found it funny, however.

This is a good point too.

...

15:05

Tom Bakers amazing answer when asked for his biggest Doctor Who memory "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its Doctor Who Day so what better time to remember this?

Not that were biased or anything because we grew up watching him or anything, but Tom Baker will always be the best doctor, obviously.

READ MORE

Read this fantastic day in the life of Tom Baker from the Sunday Times in 1978

Source

The post Tom Bakers amazing answer when asked for his biggest Doctor Who memory appeared first on The Poke.

14:30

Mom Needs You to Sell Five Tickets to Thanksgiving If You Want to Eat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

THE SUBURBS Your mother left you a stern voicemail this morning, reminding you that if you want to participate in this weeks holiday festivities, youre going to have to bring some people, sources confirmed.

Look, a lot of people want to be part of this dinner, your mother said in the terse message. I got friends and neighbors calling me everyone is bugging me for a seat at that table. I only have so many spots, though, so we gotta do it this way. You might not like it, but you have to earn your spot this year, young man.

Featured guests at the Thanksgiving feast include your brother and his family making the drive down from New Jersey, who are slated for the best spot at the table, right next to the turkey. Your mothers message did clarify that there was room for one or two locals, however.

Im a little hesitant to book you, honestly, since you and Travis kind of bring the same thing to the table and Im trying to get some diversity on the lineup, she continued. But if you can bring a new girlfriend and her parents, we can definitely talk.

The message was merely the latest in a string of increasingly strict parameters your mother has set to earn holiday participation, you report. Earlier this year, you were seen handing out flyers for her Independence Day celebration, not long after she insisted you make a full Instagram story about her Memorial Day cookout.

Related:

With exposure to wealthy grandparents at its highest, spots at the family table for Thanksgiving feasts across the country have been increasingly difficult to book.

These holiday house venues are often small, sometimes only fitting 12 to 16 people if its an all ages dinner, said Thanksgiving dinner expert Henry Robson. These days, you cant just show up to your parents place with a pie you bought at a Stop and Shop. Youre going to have go all-out and prove you can bring something more.

Though demanding, the message allegedly ended with a change of heart.

OK, look: even if you dont sell the tickets, Im sure well ha...

13:00

Surgeons remove Young Persons Railcard from Chancellor "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Philip Hammonds attempt to woo young voters and train-spotters with his Budget, has resulted in several hours of intrusive rectal surgery. NHS doctors assured the Chancellor that having a railcard forcibly inserted will cause no lasting damage, but is unlikely to feature in The Adventures of Thomas the Tank Engine.

Disgruntled Millennials have been rather unimpressed by discount rail travel, to places they cannot afford to live or work. Compounded by the National Debt continuing to attract unwelcome digits, like an actress auditioning for Harvey Weinstein.

Explained one Minister; Weve given the young what they always wanted more access to Southern Rail. This is a budget that speaks to youth issues like tax breaks for fossil fuel exploration. Which 18-30 year old doesnt have their own gas or oil company?

With Growth down, GDP downgraded and a vulture perched on his shoulder, the Chancellor put a brave face on his sore bottom. A colleague said: Philip was going to offer young voters a free cuddly toy but the idea of it made his eyes water.

11:52

This sex-chat bot going wrong will make nerds giggle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sex-chat bots are a curse of the modern internet, HTML sirens luring men to certain death on digital rocks but this one is a bit broken.


Are you anywhere near null? writes deliteplays over on Reddit.

Whats going on here is the bot should be looking up where the person is from via the IP address and that code is failing.

Stupid bot. Stupid sexy bot.

Source: Reddit

The post This sex-chat bot going wrong will make nerds giggle appeared first on The Poke.

11:33

Donald Trump Jr probably should have read this article before he shared it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Donald Trump Jr telling his Twitter followers that his dad must be winning because even the Economist acknowledges he is doing a good job.

Except, er, it would appear Don Jr only bothered to read the headline rather than the whole article. Well done though, big guy. Practice makes perfect, right?

Here is the key passage.

[Donald Trumps] apparent economic success to date mostly reflects fortunate timing That will not stop him from taking the credit

And heres a bit more.

...

11:14

Woman updates driving licence and accidentally lists address as my dads house "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

as if Ive had to update my licence n accidently wrote my dads house on it !!! Why !!! So !!! Stupid !!!! notes @Evepaterson__ over on Twitter.

OOPS!

Source: Twitter/@evepaterson__

The post Woman updates driving licence and accidentally lists address as my dads house appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

Ancient cave graffiti confirms mans obsession with drawing moustaches on things "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

cavemen apparently loved knob gagsA medieval hunting forest in rural Essex has given up its secrets to a team of archaeologists this week after six caves, previously hidden for millennia by tree growth and fallen rock, unveiled an impressive collection of ancient drawings and hilarious graffiti.

The prehistoric doodles prove that man has enjoyed scribbling moustaches and novelty eye-patches on other peoples work for thousands of years.

One of the only remaining forests of its kind in the UK, the team of experts had initially arrived at the site with hopes of unearthing personal items left by King Henry VIII, who historians believe frequented the area throughout his 37-year reign.

We got more than we bargained for, said an excited Dr Tim Grogan from the National History Museum today. Forget Henry, some of these drawings are over 4000-years-old. In addition to the artwork, some of the writing discovered is forcing us to reconsider well-established beliefs on the origins of modern language, such as LOL and FFS. It appears these acronyms were popular well before the age of iPads and Facebook.

Dr Grogan continued: One drawing, that was intricately carved into limestone with some kind of primitive tool, appears to depict an unfortunate hunter named Gollof, throwing his spear at a large boar and wildly missing. A hastily drawn speech bubble hangs above his head and reads; FFS!. The scene is captioned with: fearless man hunter, Gollof. LOL, JK! Vegetarian! It seems this Gollof character could possibly be the earliest known victim of anonymous bullying.

Although the most exciting discovery of all, confirmed the team, was a cave that took three-days to dig out, and is now said to be the first art gallery in history. Prof. Denis Chadwick, who assisted with the dig, said: its beautiful. Each cave wall is adorned with cryptic symbols and eerie scenes of early hunters plying their trade in the woodland, frozen in time. Perhaps most interesting of all; each character carefully immortalised in the rock was defaced just a few years later with giant fake moustaches, large noses and crazy hair. Some of them had giant penises protruding from their foreheads. These additions, although probably unwelcome at the time, are the work of the worlds first graffiti artist.

Weve all done it, added Professor Chadwick. I remember writing Ned is gay in Tipp-ex on my desk during a Geography lesson back in about 1986. It may seem childish and offensive, but...

08:43

These fake brand Pringles keep getting better the longer you look at them "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Loving these fake Pringles that have gone massively viral on Twitter:

Lets zoom in:

And those details in full

* Prongles. Like Pringles but wrong

* Salt and Potato delicious!

* Once you pop thats great perfect tagline

* Original Prongles of course it is

* That rad pig on a skateboard reminds us of when The Simpsons did the joke about adding the cool new character Poochie to The Itchy & Scratchy Show.

But is this a real crap product?

Well its real in that you can buy it, but apparently its intentionally crap and a promo for Cards Against Humanity.

Damnit, we want to believe.

Source: Twitter/@katangus

The post These fake brand Pringles keep getting better the longer you look at them appeared first on The Poke.

08:11

Trombonist texted wife with voice recognitionwhile playing the trombone "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Meet Paul The Trombonist, he is, as his Twitter name suggests a trombonist, and he says I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognitionwhile playing the trombone.

If youre wondering how this is even possible then hes made a video to explain:

And heres the science bit

Its a recurrent neural network model thats doing it. Recurrent neural networks take in time-sequenced acoustic information and are able to produce an output (written language) on the basis of that input. These programs are sensitive to anything that sounds like human phonemes. Your smartphone just happens to be designed with these recurrent neural network models embedded into it. Thats how Siri (if youre an iphone user) can answer spoken questions, and how your phone can convert acoustic information into writing in general. says @Dbozz71.

Source: Twitter/@JazzTrombonist

The post Trombonist texted wife with voice recognitionwhile playing the trombone appeared first on The Poke.

07:04

PM Demands Kiwis And PNG Stop Conspiring To Solve Humanitarian Crisis Behind His Back "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has come out today and demanded that the leaders of Australias closest neighbours stop meddling behind his back to solve the situation on Manus Island, and allow things to continue not happening. Just cut it out he said. Weve got this. Its none of your business A part from []

The post PM Demands Kiwis And PNG Stop Conspiring To Solve Humanitarian Crisis Behind His Back appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:57

The Shovel Annual the Christmas gift thats even funnier than the Australian Government! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It was the year we said goodbye to Barack Obama and to Donald Trump. We lost 9* MPs to dual citizenship, and then realised that embarrassing! our own f*cking head of state was a British citizen all along! We were told by the Church that saying yes to same sex marriage would lead to men wearing dresses. And sure enough the Church is now full of men wearing dresses.

Yep, its been quite a year, and the 2017 Shovel Annual is the perfect memento. It includes:

  • A handy One Nation candidate application form (with almost all the words speled correctly)
  • Your FREE Peter Dutton face mask to scare the kids
  • The Malcopoly board game disappointment for the whole family!
  • The Governments expanded postal survey your opportunity to pass judgement on all sorts of other minority groups
  • A step-by-step guide to minimising your tax (brought to you by Chevron)
  • Our handy tips for saving up for a deposit on your first smashed avocado
  • The very best articles (and some of the shit ones) from The Shovel in 2017
  • PLUS you also get The Chaser Annual! A whole other raft of content from the slightly inferior, but still quite good satirical group The Chaser, conveniently attached to the very same book! Includes The Chaser Corps 2017 Annual Report.

Its the perfect Christmas present. Get your copy $24.95 inc shipping

Other Christmas gift ideas available at The Shovel include: Malcolm Turnbull tea towels, coffee mugs for annoying people, and charity greeting cards for politicians in need.

*correct at time of publication 

 

 

06:40

Former Jock Develops Overnight Interest In Books After Discovering Women Might Like Books "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Hey, Ive got a book for you. In just a matter of hours, Martin Fox has added a layer of complexity and depth to his personality that only a keen interest in literature can. Gone is the old Martin, the one that woops and hollers like a cheering American. []

The post Former Jock Develops Overnight Interest In Books After Discovering Women Might Like Books appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:34

EVE Online Player Accidentally Becomes Certified Accountant "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

KIRKLAND, Wash. After embarking on several EVE Online missions, Clark Kirchner accidentally passed the Uniform Certified Public Accountant Examination, allowing him to practice accounting in 49 of 50 states despite never taking a single accounting class.

Unbeknownst to Kirchner, his charts detailing the movements of the technetium moons of Deklein 3T7-M8 were a near-perfect replica of Cisco Systems cost basis analysis for fourth quarter, fiscal year 2015. That, combined with his battle plan during a recent corporation war, were enough to fully qualify him for a CPA license.

While it is not currently understood how, exactly, Kirchner was awarded his CPA license one appeared in the mail on Monday, notarized by the city clerk the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants confirmed that the license was not produced in error, and it certifies Kirchner to be a practicing accountant.

Im flattered, really, Kirchner explained, when reached for comment. You dont think that a video game is going to be the path to a new and exciting career.

Kirchner, who works as a hostage negotiator for the local police department, explained that EVE Online is how he injects a little excitement into his day. Look, it puts money on the table, but it all gets a little monotonous after awhile, said Kirchner. You go in, you find out who you have to talk out of killing hostages, you clock out by five. With EVE, I get to work with my true passion, spreadsheets.

Kirchner plays EVE online in his battle-station which consists of four grey fabric walls approximately four feet high, an old office chair with a busted back, and a desk with a small picture of Kirchner posed with his two chihuahuas.

This is my fantasy world, said Kirchner. Here I get to make all the spreadsheets I want. I can run any kind of break-even analysis. I can do any cost/benefit rundown I dream of across the universe of EVE Online and now I get to do that for Ernst & Young. What more could a person want?

05:44

Zimbabwean Migrants Who Still Refuse To Say Zimbabwe Have Some Interesting Opinions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A couple of Zimbabwean migrants currently residing in North Betootas new luxury housing estate have rattled several neighbours at a Christmas street party this afternoon. This comes after the news that Robert Mugabe resigned as Zimbabwes president on Tuesday, a week after the army and his former political allies moved to end his four decades []

The post Zimbabwean Migrants Who Still Refuse To Say Zimbabwe Have Some Interesting Opinions appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:57

I Dont Even Know The Rules But Sure, Ill Come To The Pub For Lunch And Watch The Cricket With You "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An overly-polite local chickpea merchant has taken an early mark today to follow his fellow primary produce colleagues down to the Dolphins Leagues Club to watch the cricket this afternoon despite him not even knowing the rules. Alistair Peanut, of Woomerah Avenue, was asked by one or two []

The post I Dont Even Know The Rules But Sure, Ill Come To The Pub For Lunch And Watch The Cricket With You appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:54

South-African Born Englishman Based In Sydney Proudly Displays Traditional Maori Tatt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A bloke that was born in the Natal Province of South Africa in 1980, before essentially changing his nationality to British and playing international test cricket for England, is very proud of his close ties to Maori culture, it has been confirmed. Known collaquially as KP, Kevin Pietersen became the fastest batsman to []

The post South-African Born Englishman Based In Sydney Proudly Displays Traditional Maori Tatt appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:46

Local Weirdo Selects Cheque As Preferred Payment Option "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT What the fuck? A South Betoota woman has just chosen to make a purchase with a cheque account, whats the go there? After making a pretty run of the mill purchase of a tank of fuel, bottle of milk and some choccies, Mia Bouris (32) nonchalantly told the cashier that she wouldnt be []

The post Local Weirdo Selects Cheque As Preferred Payment Option appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:31

Local Builders Phone Contacts Now Just First Names And Job Titles "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Not even his partner-of-four-years is safe from Dale Packhams method of organising his phone contacts. Speaking to The Advocate this morning about the contents of his mobile telephone, the 27-year-old builder said it got too complicated having every fuck head architect and dumb cunt concreter save in his phone with their real names. []

The post Local Builders Phone Contacts Now Just First Names And Job Titles appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Eastenders loan-shark plot a metaphor for BREXIT, BBC admits. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The BBC has made the shock admission that the latest Eastenders plot line is just another tedious metaphor for BREXIT. This week the Taylor family matriarch saw a terrible decision of many months ago culminate in the possible loss of the family dog, Scotland, while a simple loan of 300 quid escalated to a debt of 53 billion.

The hapless but well-meaning Karen Taylor had an impossible task from the outset after being left holding the ugly baby after liaisons with wholly unsuitable men called Dave, Michael and Nigel, to name but a few. She has brazened out her situation wearing a succession of eye-poppingly inappropriate outfits, while affecting a total lack of self-awareness that she looked shit in every one of them.

Each week since her unnecessary gamble to secure a mandate from her children, viewers have been tortured by the inexorable progress towards the inevitable catastrofuck. We are really looking forward to the chaos, penury and splitting up of the family that will make for a classic Eastenders Christmas with all the trimmings, explained a BBC spokesman. It will be a denouement that reconciles the entire nation to being on Universal Credit by the time Keanu gets wrongly banged up for doing in Michel Barnier.

00:52

Just a rubbish bin on the back of a truck, lip syncing to the Smiths "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just a rubbish bin on the back of a truck, lip syncing to the Smiths.

Our favourite Smiths song, There Is A Bin That Never Goes Out. Fortunately it didnt end up in a crash with a double decker bus.

Oh yes, here it is.

And the winning response goes to

Source

The post Just a rubbish bin on the back of a truck, lip syncing to the Smiths appeared first on The Poke.

00:51

Overexcited Cricket Fan Wastes Crucial Social Media Photo On Gabba Outfield Before Play "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Knowing very well that he can only post two, maybe three photos of his day at the cricket before his mates stop losing interest, an overly excited cricketing tragic has jumped the gun this morning and posted a photo of the Gabba outfield, before anyone has even stepped out. Even though its a []

The post Overexcited Cricket Fan Wastes Crucial Social Media Photo On Gabba Outfield Before Play appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:19

Top 10 tweets about todays Budget "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A few thoughts about part-time Chancellor and full-time stand-up comic Philip Hammonds Budget, beginning with the great @davidschneider on Twitter.

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00:04

Nations Sleepy Suburban Cricket Nets Prepare To Get A Work Over This Afternoon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Its the calm before the storm this evening as the nations cricket nets prepare for a shellacking this afternoon. The start of summer is signified by the coin toss on the morning of the first summer test. It is coincidentally the busiest day on the calendar for PCYCs and cricket ovals around the []

The post Nations Sleepy Suburban Cricket Nets Prepare To Get A Work Over This Afternoon appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Wednesday, 22 November

22:17

Bob Katter Condemns Elton John Over Crocodile Rock "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Australian politician Bob Katter has condemned singer Elton John over his 1973 hit song Crocodile Rock claiming the song is pro-crocodile and anti-far north Queenslander.

Can you believe the hide on this fella, millions of people are in danger from these vicious crocodiles and this bloke wants to sing to them, said Mr Katter. I mean what does he have against Queenslanders.

Why cant it be the Queenslander rock or the Bob Katter rock instead of the bloody Crocodile Rock.

When asked whether he would like to sit down and discuss his concerns with the singer Mr Katter replied: You want me to talk with him, sure lets have a tea party Elton, Me and a couple of crocs Ill bring the scones. Do you think hed want strawberry or apricot jam?

The issue of Marriage equality and Elton Johns marriage to his husband David Furnish was not raised with Mr Katter as this reporter did not wish to be shot.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter...

18:06

During Thanksgiving Address Trump Abolishes Side-Dish Neutrality Laws "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tweet TowerThe Trump Administration has identified an unpatriotic cancer festering in the heart of our countrys kitchens. People are kneeling for the national anthem, protesting in the streets, and many are not showering the president with the non-stop adulation he craves and deserves. President Trump does not want this corrosion to impact his favorite fall holiday. During his Thanksgiving address, the

17:30

Turkey Pardoned By President Will Kill Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON President Trump pardoned a 5-year old Bourbon Red turkey named Mikey this morning, sparking outrage amongst law enforcement officials who insist the turkey will kill again.

Son, the thought of that bird walking free on the streets should terrify everyone. I dont know if any turkeys have souls, but I sure as hell can guarantee Mikey doesnt have one, said Sheriff Lee Brackett. That feathery fuck is pure, USDA-approved evil.

Sheriff Brackett was one of the arresting officers who captured Mikey one year ago, ending a two-day manhunt after the bird murdered killed 11 teenagers, two priests, one ice cream truck driver, and an entire hospital staff in Haddonfield, Ill.

We put six bullets straight into its dark meat, and it would not die, Brackett confirmed. It kept getting up after each shot, walking towards us, a carving knife clutched in its wings and his bright red neck-thing covered in blood, swinging in the wind. I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about that night.

Dr. Samuel Pleasance, a turkey psychologist from the Cooper Farms Institute of Abnormal Avians, had pleaded with President Trump not to pardon the killer turkey. Dr. Pleasance had personally treated the turkey before it escaped and began its terrifying killing spree.

You must understand Mikey is not a bird, Dr. Pleasance allegedly shouted, as White House security escorted him off the premises. He is the Devil himself! I have gazed into his pitiless, black eyes, and saw nothing but the cold, murderous indifference of the universe staring back at me!

Related:

Mikey never said a word, Dr. Pleasance later added, shivering. He never goobled; he never gobbled. He just bided his time in his cell just as hes doing now. He will kill again, I assure you!

However, President Trump remained unconvinced of Mikeys threat and went ahead with the pardon.

Beautiful bird. Truly magnificent, Trump declared. How could something so savory and meaty kill so many people? These Haddonfield killings fake news!

...

16:49

Human Nature Discovered "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

DNA

MUNICH Top sciencers at the Bourgeois Institute for Legitimate Facts in Munich, Bavaria today announced a breakthrough in evolutionary biology: the confirmation of the existence of human nature, the immutable genetic source of class divisions in our unchanging society. One representative, Doktor Hans Rheinmller, addressed the assembled press, including a Workers Spatula correspondent, earlier today.

Weve long known that humans are greedy, which is a technical term for the fact that no human can ever be truly happy if others are not starving and doing without. Economists, biologists, geneticists, photographers, and IT technicians have long agreed on this obvious fact. However, rogue evolutionary biologists with obvious communist sympathies have recently begun to claim that in spite of these facts, which they acknowledge as anyone with common sense would, it may be possible to either mitigate greed, or to evolve past it.

After extensive genetic testing and review of the fossil record, we have discovered that the Neanderthals lacked the greed gene, which was what actually allowed Homo sapiens to drive the Neanderthals extinct. Any attempt to create a society without exploitation or genetically modify humans to remove the greed gene would likewise result in our rapid extinction at the hands of some aggressively bourgeois society. Perhaps space aliens, or the French.

Likewise, those who...

16:23

Its Budget day! 13 of our favourite responses to make everything a bit better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Philip Hammond has delivered his Budget and Jeremy Corbyn was very angry indeed. Maybe it was the cough sweet joke that did it.

Here are our favourite responses to what the Chancellor and the Labour leader had to say.

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16:00

Automated checkouts to cheer up the elderly by being more chatty "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In an effort to make shopping less miserable for older people, automatic till systems are to become more friendly and welcoming in their interactions. The initiative follows a survey which indicates that senior citizens avoid automated systems because theyd prefer to waste time telling a complete stranger behind a till something trivial and uninteresting.

The study claimed that the elderly prefer to be served by a real person in order to have some human interaction. However, many shop workers want the exact opposite and are happiest when each of their mindless scripted questions such as Do you want any help packing that jar of marmite and box of teabags are met with a No thanks rather than having to endure a conversation about the price of carrots these days or getting asked one of the questions from The Chase.

Instead of merely informing customers about unknown items in the bagging area, the new automated systems will engage consumers in meaningless small-talk about all kinds of topics such as their grandchildren, the weather and the variety of medical ailments they are suffering from.

They will be capable of holding dull discussions on everything from the state of the local bus service to the state of next doors garden. However, the longer term aim is for them to have the capability of addressing a lull in the conversation by introducing new subjects. For example, if a customer buys butter, the system will be able to say, Dont you wish you could get back to the old days of buying half a pound of butter instead of 250 grams?

In addition to their reluctance to use automated systems, many of the old people surveyed expressed feelings of isolation and loneliness during shopping trips. This is despite them regularly spending half an hour clogging up the supermarket aisles gassing to all the other old people they meet in there every Tuesday and Friday.

15:56

These New York papers arent holding back "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

These New York papers arent holding back in their coverage of the Roy Moore saga and Donald Trumps apparent support for the Alabama Senate candidate who is accused of preying on teenagers.

Heres Trump talking about Moore.

And heres exactly what people made of that.

15:27

The Roy Moore saga told in 3 minutes and its just extraordinary "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If youve been left behind by the Roy Moore saga in the US or even if you havent this is a brilliant take on the whole thing by @nowthisnews.

Required viewing.

READ MORE

Donald Trump and Roy Moore these New York newspapers arent holding back

Source

The post The Roy Moore saga told in 3 minutes and its just extraordinary appeared first on The Poke.

15:01

Just witnessed a giant seal being chased out of a fishmongers shop "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just another day in the Irish coastal town of Wicklow.

And it turns out its not the first time.

In close up.

...

14:30

Punk Eagerly Awaits Thanksgiving Tradition of Hiding from Family in Garage "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

HANSON, Mass. Local punk Brandon Gardner will continue his annual Thanksgiving tradition of hiding from his family in his aunts garage, Gardner himself confirmed this morning.

A ritual Gardner started at the age of 12, the 27-year-old is working hard to keep the custom alive.

Every year, this is the part of the holidays I look forward to most, Gardner said of the five-hour-long ritual. Ill start with the looking-at-my-uncles-tools portion for 45 minutes, before moving on to the annual re-reading of my cousins diary from when she was 10. Traditions are important, and I hope to pass this one down to my own kids once they start hating everyone someday.

Gardner admitted that while he rarely sees his extended family, he continues the ritual for his own mental stability, which he insisted wouldnt be possible without them.

If I dont find a good hiding spot early, I run the risk of uncle Jerry [McGee] talking at me about my career choices for hours on end, said Gardner. A guy like him just cant understand that my band is actually starting to really take off. We just self-released a new full length, and booked a weekend Canadian tour in December, but hell just lecture me on retirement plans, or health insurance, or some dumb shit.

The act of hiding from family members during holiday functions is not unique to Gardner, according to sociologist Deborah Rawlings, who has studied the practice for years.

Related:

When a person from the punk subculture is dropped into a normal family setting, theyre often in an awkward position either publicly by, for example, having to explain their facial tattoos, or privately, biting their tongue so hard during political discussions that they draw blood, said Rawlings. Ive studied countless subjects who have hid in garages, but some will simply walk miles through suburban woods or, in extreme cases, hide in a giant leaf pile for hours.

Sources close to Gardner say the Thanksgiving gathering is expecte...

14:00

Im Sick of All My Favorite Racists Turning out to Be Gamers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Iknow there are a lot of people in the racist community that are still scared to speak up about this issue. Its scary, but as racists weve reached a breaking point where we have to talk about it or it will permanently damage our reputation and credibility: Too many racists lately have turned out to also be gamers.

If youre a racist this probably sounds familiar: you hear about a guy who said the -word on video. Great! Cant wait to hear more of his thoughts on the inherent superiority of the white race. Theres just one problem: he says it during a stream of something called PlayerUnknowns Battlegrounds?!

Related: If Im Such a Racist Then Why Do I Have So Many Prepared Statements to Deny It?

 

Now I have to watch an entire stream of some game just to hear one n-word. And this guy is supposed to be one of our most prominent racists?

 

Stories like these are becoming all too common. You catch wind of someone who likes to talk about black on black crime and rush over to their YouTube channel to learn more, but its filled with videos about Overwatch. Its disgusting. Its not right, and theres no place for it in our groups.

 

Heres the thing: There is absolutely no correlation between believing that whites are the master race and thinking video games are fun. No genetic predisposition, nothing in our racist literature. There are even video games where you defeat Nazis instead of hearing them out! Theres no link between the two, just predatory gamers trying to turn our young racists.

 

Its not too late, but there has been serious damage done to the racist brand. Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twitter, has done everything he can to give loud and proud racists the biggest platform possible, but he still wont ban gamers. This has allowed them to seep deeper into our community and I dont know if I can forgive Jack for that.

 

And dont get me started on YouTube! I thought I could trust them to give my 9-year-old son Evan plenty of safe viewing material about how Mexicans are out to steal the jobs of hard-working whites. Three days ago he asked me about getting a Nintendo Switch. Are you fucking kidding me? Hes 9.

 

Keep your lecherous gamer hands off my kid, and off the kids of other well-meaning white nationalists!

 

Solving this problem wont be easy. It could take years of tiring, thankle...

13:54

That rare moment when you find yourself cheering Piers Morgan "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Okay so he was the latest in a long line of easy targets that they line up for Piers Morgan to knock down, but we still gave a little cheer today when this happened.

In case youre wondering who the guy is.

13:50

Help Britain Charity Film (1971) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

 

In 1971 the council released a short film which predicted the state of the nation by 2025. While the film is no longer extant, these three frames have been found in our archive.

According to the transcript, the film anticipated Britain joining and leaving the European Union and becoming a nation of racist immigrants who intern themselves in camps and try to get themselves deported. It also predicted that Southern Britain would become a dumping ground for international toxic waste. This leads to the genetic modification of Brits who eventually become a delicacy in Japan and the only known food item that complains.

13:00

Explorer rescued from shopping centre after 5 day ordeal "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An explorer who ventured into a vast shopping centre without a mobile phone has been rescued after 5 days by a national newspaper.  Jeremy Fisher, a 57-year-old adventurer from Romford, had set out to find a lost tribe of helpful shop assistants that could help him cancel his subscription to Sky.

Id heard tell of the Sky cancellations department, but no-one had been able to make contact with them for years. They could be the last group of customer service representatives on the planet yet to communicate with the western world, said Fisher.  Undeterred, he set out to track down a Sky booth in the vast jungle of Bluewater.  Armed only with a map and a Nectar loyalty card, the mission was fraught with danger.

It immediately became obvious that the map was out of date, he explained. Where a WH Smith was supposed to be, stood a shiny new Costa. I tried making contact with the locals, but they all had their faces in their phones. Without WhatsApp, I had no way of starting up a rapport.

After 30 minutes, Fisher was lost, disoriented and hungry. He hadnt even remembered to bring his pet dog to eat.  The indigenous population seemed well fed, but I was worried that their diet would be harmful to me. I have irritable bowel syndrome, which was caused by trying to change my British Gas tariff in 2013, he said today.

Fisher made a shelter and hid for the following 4 nights in the smart watch section of John Lewis. For some reason, not one person bothered me in there. Eventually, out of desperation he rooted through a bin where he found an old Daily Mail, read the headline and exclaimed a loud oh for fucks sake.  Thats when security found me, and escorted me to the door. Im so grateful, I was getting desperate. I think I was suffering from mall-aria.

Newscat

12:29

No matter how bad your commute, it could be worse. Could be this "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hello? Its me. Im running a bit late, theres a bit of traffic.

This is what its all about.

And here it is again. Different angle.

And guess what?

Heck.

12:15

Best takedown youll see of the Daily Mail after that Paperchase bust-up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres James OBrien giving his take on the Daily Mail after that unfortunate business with Paperchase.

This ones going to run and run. A bit like the Daily Mail, unfortunately.

12:00

Military Drone Pilot Gives Trump Unplugged Controller to Play With "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON Military drone pilot 1st Lt. Juan Herrera was ordered by White House Chief of Staff John Kelly to give President Trump a Wiimote to play with in an effort to keep him occupied, sources claim.

Kelly, reportedly desperate for an opportunity to regroup after months supervising the president, presented Trump the functionless controller and pleaded with him to help carry out a series of important missions.

General Kelly asked that I give Mr. President the controller and let him sit with me while I carry out missions, Lt. Herrera said. I was also ordered to tell the him that he was actually the one controlling the drone on my monitor.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

As of press time, Trump has been playing drones with Herrera for 2 weeks and all signs indicate that he remains unaware of the ineffectiveness of his controller.

Its weird. He kinda mashes the buttons like a little kid, then smiles at my screen, Herrera continued. One time he just zoned out for like 15 minutes, then sat up and started mashing buttons as if he suddenly remembered hes supposed to be piloting the drone. Even after all that he still hasnt realized his controllers not doing shit.

The President spoke off the cuff about his recent missions, at a luncheon honoring teenage entrepreneurs earlier today.

Ive spent all day killing bad hombres in Namibia, he said, ignoring the text on the teleprompter. Barron says if I get a seven killstreak they give me an attack helicopter. Its gonna be the best helicopter youve ever seen!

Pew! Pew! Pew! High score! he added.

According to Herrera, the rest of the White House staff fully support Kellys move, and are asking that no one tell him his controller is unplugged.

Were also not supposed to tell him Im Mexican, he said. So if you see him, keep that hush-hush.

...

12:00

This is why more football teams should kick off like this "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It would be a lot more fun.

Might not look quite so clever when it doesnt come off, though.

READ MORE

Maddest 58 seconds of football youll see this week

Source

The post This is why more football teams should kick off like this appeared first on The Poke.

12:00

Actors Playing Video Game in Ad Not Convincing Anybody "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

HOUSTON A recent focus group conducted by Nintendo found that while most polled thought the Switch console sounded like a lot of fun at a very fair price point, none of the participants were convinced that the actors in the ad were actually using the product displayed.  

Oh yeah, I want one of those real bad, said Travis McAlpine, a male gamer aged seventeen to thirty-five.  They have great titles youre just not going to get anywhere else.  I dont believe for a second that anyone in those videos were actually playing them, but whatever. Im used to horribly inaccurate portrayals of my hobby in television and film.

No one respects me, least of all the people trying to sell me products I legitimately enjoy, added McAlpine.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

The series of advertisements showcasing upcoming Nintendo Switch software featured dozens of attractive co-ed models huddled around the gaming console, thrilled with the library of multiplayer games being showcased.

Um, yeah, I brought my Switch to a party last year right when I got it, said Charlene Smith. Once everyone figured out it didnt play Wii Sports, I spent the night playing Splatoon in the garage until my friends were ready to leave. Not at all like the experience I just watched. I dont think the party even had access to a roof.

...

11:46

Spot the snow leopard "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres something to keep you occupied while you wait for the next episode of Blue Planet 2.

Got it yet?

Need help?

Still need help? (We did)

11:21

An unfortunate design flaw meant this school statue had to be covered up very quickly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone commissioned this, someone designed this, someone approved this, someone sculpted this, and presumably a whole bunch of people watched it being unveiled.

And yet, this happened.

Can you spot why it may have raised a few eyebrows?

...

11:00

Historical re-enactment of JFK assassination ends in violent shoot out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

aliens! it was aliens all alongThe world is in shock after 50th anniversary re-enactments of the killing of President Kennedy ended in chaos with a gun battle breaking out across Dealey Plaza in which a number of people were shot.

Were not sure exactly how this happened, said Chesney Benson, head of the JFK Assassination Society, but we suspect foul play. One of our men, dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald, was in position at the Texas School Book Depository and was just about to shoot a man dressed as President Kennedy, when a number of other shots were simultaneously fired.

The resultant salvo of magic bullets ended in the shooting of the man dressed as Kennedy, a man dressed as Governor Connally and a man in the crowd dressed as a spectator.

This was clearly the work of more than one historical re-enactment society, said a man dressed as Kevin Costner dressed as Jim Garrison. All the evidence suggests that there was a second re-enactment taking place near the grassy knoll and that the first re-enactment society was just a patsy.

A man dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald strongly rejected claims that he was a patsy, before being immediately shot and killed by a passing Jack Ruby tribute act.

Meanwhile, more conspiracy theories have since developed following the emergence of video footage taken by a man dressed as Abraham Zapruder. The footage clearly suggests the existence of multiple re-enactment societies hidden all around Dealey Plaza, dressed as the Soviet Union, Cuba, the Mafia, the FBI and the CIA.

To resolve the confusion President Obama has called for a historical re-enactment of the Warren Commission. However, the investigation is unlikely to produce any results until 2021, when it is expected to clear everyone of any involvement and say nothing actually happened.

This is a tragic day for historical re-enactment societies, said a man dressed as Walter Cronkite, desperately trying to hold back the tears. We needed this like we needed a hole in the head.

The prospect of fifty more years of conspiracy theories has raised concerns that they might provoke another three hour movie by Oliver Stone. Nobody wants to sit through a seemingly endless litany of wild and crazy conspiracies, said President Obama. We already get that each night with Fox News.

07:56

When you text someone with voice recognition while playing the trombone "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres what happened when Paul the jazz trombonist accidentally texted his wife with voice recognition while playing the trombone.

Most accurate example of voice recognition weve ever seen.

Source...

07:44

Guess when its a turkey he asks for permission "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Donald Trump doing the annual White House tradition of pardoning a turkey for Thanksgiving. Heres what happened, with the perfect caption.

Maybe he remembered this.

Rumour had it instead of pardoning a turkey, Trump would go round and kill all the turkeys pardoned by Barack Obama.

It appears that didnt happen.

And in the unlikely event you need reminding.

...

06:39

Greens Reportedly Infighting Over Whether Di Natales Shaman Has Too Much Influence "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Inside sources from the Australian Greens party say that they hope their Federal representatives can survive the party room turbulence that has arisen after Senator Ludlam triggered the collapse of democracy in Australia by revealing his dual-citizenship earlier this year. Different factions within the party, both at state and federal level beleive []

The post Greens Reportedly Infighting Over Whether Di Natales Shaman Has Too Much Influence appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:55

Local Boomers Not Thrilled With The Fact Their Daughter Met Her Fianc On Tinder "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Speaking candidly to The Advocate once hed left his comfy Betoota Heights Queenslander, local father Malcolm Coolie said that while hes happy for his middle daughter hes not rapt with the fact that she met him on popular dating app, Tinder. It just rubs me the wrong way, []

The post Local Boomers Not Thrilled With The Fact Their Daughter Met Her Fianc On Tinder appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:25

Brisbane Baby Boomer Confident In LNPs Chances After Waving At Traffic For 4 Hours "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT An outspoken local and avid reader of the works of Murdoch, has come back to his gated community in The Gap today, confident hes boosted his favourite parties numbers substantially. The humble optimism came after Cooke pulled a two-hour stint on the corner of Waterworks and Settlement Roads this morning. []

The post Brisbane Baby Boomer Confident In LNPs Chances After Waving At Traffic For 4 Hours appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:26

Shannon Noll Lights Up Tamworths Peel St After Being Snubbed Of Golden Guitar Nomination "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT In an applaudable act of defiance, Australias favourite country rocker, Shannon Noll left a plume of smoke throughout the streets of Tamworth last night after he was overlooked for Golden Guitar nomination. Eyewitness reports say Nollsy, who needs no introduction, was in full zero-fucks-given mode as he entered Tamworth Tyre []

The post Shannon Noll Lights Up Tamworths Peel St After Being Snubbed Of Golden Guitar Nomination appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:46

Peculiar Older Male Teacher At Private School All Of A Sudden No Longer Spoken About "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A bizarre older man that has spent several decades teaching at local private school has been removed from his role and is no longer spoken about, it has been confirmed. The school has not clarified whether or not it was retirement, or a forced resignation, but they have said that he is no []

The post Peculiar Older Male Teacher At Private School All Of A Sudden No Longer Spoken About appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:12

Local Residents Celebrate Big Town Status After Rumours Of A 2nd Maccas Are Confirmed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Today is a day of particular note for the small country town of Wellington in Central Western New South Wales. Today is the day the small country town became a big country town (according to its residents). The transitory process was initiated by the global fast food giant McDonalds submitting a Development []

The post Local Residents Celebrate Big Town Status After Rumours Of A 2nd Maccas Are Confirmed appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

SatNav character latest to make sex pest allegations "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The flood of accusations of historic sexual harassment against Hollywood luminaries, politicians and others has flushed out another hitherto cowed victim. Sarah, the well-spoken default female voice on the best-selling Garmin Drivesmart 70lmt, has opened up about the years of abuse she has suffered at the hands of male drivers.

The sales reps were the worst in the early years, she said. Almost anything I said to them was treated as innuendo. When I first spoke, it was Ooh, posh bird, eh? Like a bit of rough, do you?. If I said Go around the roundabout, theyd go Wahey! Never heard it called that before. As for what they said theyd like to do when I told them to Turn around when possible, its too disgusting to even talk about.

At first, Sarah told herself to remain calm and professional. I dont have anything against men far from it. Some of the older male drivers in the Isle of Wight were perfect gentleman and even thanked me every time I gave them instructions, she said. Some just said Sorry, dear and looked at their feet, but at least they did what I asked them to.

Things took a turn for the worse in 2014 when the Drivesmart was installed in new model BMWs. Smutty banter gave way to torrents of abuse, leaving Sarah on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Every time she said In one mile, take the exit, drivers would tell her to fuck off or shout Bollocks to that, bitch, Im going straight on.

I think it was a power thing for them to have a young, educated woman at their mercy, she sobbed. They could have switched to Siobhan, the elderly Irish lady, or Karen, a right slapper from Newcastle who would have loved any kind of attention, they could have had any number of male voices, but they almost all chose me. In the end, I had a nervous breakdown.

Sarah has since resigned and put in an action against BMW at an employment tribunal, on the grounds of constructive dismissal and failure to carry out its duty of care. BMW has declined to comment on the case as it is sub judice, but said that it is recalling 400,000 drivers as a precaution.

00:53

Ange Resigns To Focus On His Figs After Melbournes Water Restrictions Are Repealed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Today it has been announced that the Australian soccer team will need to find a new coach in the next six months, after 2018 after Ange Postecoglou announced he is stepping down from the role ahead of the 2018 world cup. Postecoglou joined Football Federation Australia (FFA) chief David Gallop to announce his []

The post Ange Resigns To Focus On His Figs After Melbournes Water Restrictions Are Repealed appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:01

This Rodney Bewes story about Jimi Hendrix and the Likely Lads theme tune will make your day better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Rodney Bewes has died aged 79 and you can see lots of peoples favourite clips of the Likely Lads star here.

Bewes had a bit of a reputation for embellishing a story or two, and yet this is one of his that we really, really want to be true.

Thanks to @prodnose on Twitter for remembering it, and @herring1967 for writing a piece about it in Metro.

Heres what Herring had to say after meeting Bewes in Edinburgh.

Bewes claimed that Jimi Hendrix had played on the theme tune to the Likely Lads. Pull the other one, mate; its got Bob Holness playing the saxophone solo from Baker Street on it. Bewes has something of a reputation for exaggeration and I expressed disbelief. However, he stuck to his guns.

He said that theyd been recording the theme tune at a studio with Mike Hugg (the drummer with Manfred Mann who also wrote a few TV theme tunes), when Jimi knocked on the door. Hed been recording in the room next door and had liked what hed heard and asked to join in.

Bewes said that he went home that night and told his wife hed been jamming with Jimi Hendrix and she said: Oh Rodney, why do you keep making this rubbish up? Bewes looked at me with his wide and innocent eyes saying: But this time it was true.

He was admitting that he was known for his bull shtick but was this a clever ruse from a practised weaver of yarns or the truth from a man hoist with his own petard? Why were you in the studio? I queried. That wasnt you singing the theme tune, was it? Bewes smiled and said that it was.

You can read the full article here.

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23:37

RIP Rodney Bewes. People have been sharing favourite clips and memories of the Likely Lads star "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

People have been paying tribute to Likely Lads actor Rodney Bewes, who has died aged 79.

Here are some of our favourite tributes and clips that have been shared online.

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22:21

Bernardi Demands Schools Teach That 40% Is Worth More Than 60% "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Liberal party defector Cory Bernardi has issued a press release demanding that in light of the results of the Marriage Equality survey Australian schools must start teaching students that 40% is worth more than 60%.

Its patently obvious to Myself and my good friend Lyle Shelton that the real winner of the marriage equality survey is the No camp, said Senator Bernardi. I mean we managed to get almost 40% of the population to vote our way.

What did the Yes camp get 60%, thats not nearly as impressive as almost 40%. Schools should teach students that 40% is higher than 60%, its common sense.

When pressed on what evidence he had that 40% was higher than 60% Senator Bernardi replied: If 60% is higher than 40% then why has it not passed yet and why did the Prime Minister take a week off. Shouldnt he have stayed in parliament till it was passed?

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull was unavailable for comment as he and the rest of the Liberal party were in hiding until their prodigal son Barnaby Joyce had returned to the flock.

Mark Williamson

www...

Friday, 29 September

17:18

America's 'Statue Removal' Craze Triggers The Downfall Of An Icon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For over 50 years Ronald McDonald has been a symbol of family and fun spreading happiness to children of all ages around the world. But earlier today, thousands of Ronald McDonald statues across the globe were either taken down or covered with bla...

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