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Tuesday, 19 June

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Monday, 18 June

20:58

Muellers Guinness Leak Of World Records? Everyone On Trumps Team Tried To Collude, But Completely Screwed The Pooch! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Las Vegas, NVSpecial Counsel Robert Mueller, known for his resolute professionalism, has leaked a controversial statement before the release of his much-anticipated report on Russian interference into the 2016 election. In an off strip Vegas Irish pub called McMullens, the Special Counsel allegedly downed a dozen or more beers and then told a regular: Im sick of investigating this ass-clown of

20:30

Intolerable Prick Ascribes Lack of Popularity to Anti-Stalin Bias "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Prick

CW: Abuse

ADELAIDE Ex-CPA member and local piece of shit Mick Anderson has resurfaced in the activist scene after months of conspicuous absence following allegations of physical abuse of his then-girlfriend, [REDACTED].

Local CPA cadre were quick to distance themselves from Anderson, who, in further proof of the ubiquity of contradiction, has apparently distanced himself from the CPA on grounds of their revisionism.

Following Workers Spatulas own assessment of the CPA as having deviated from an essential Marxist analytical method, we sought to gain impressions from locals in Adelaide to determine the dynamics of theoretical discourse in which this abuser seeks to position himself.

Yeah he says China is capitalist now, but he never said anything like that even during his last days with us, explained local CPA representative Jack Vogt, he definitely didnt split with us over theory, even if thats what he says. The last time we saw him was the night of the incident, when [REDACTED] called [REDACTED] over to help protect her. Now he pops up talking like CPA(ML) or something, maybe hes with them now? They call us revisionists constantly.

CPA(ML) representative Chelsea Greene denied Andersons affiliation with their organisation: we were in brief contact, but hes not interested in Mao Zedong Thought or...

19:28

Did You Miss It? That Was the Moment It Was OK to Talk Gun Control "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The moment is over. Poof! Done. Gone. Bang! Actually, scratch that last one. Either way, you just missed your chance to talk about gun control. Faster than emptying a magazine with the help of a bump stock, the moment has passed.

Do you want to talk about legislation at the correct time or do you want to look like the dude who keeps jamming his Peruvian ayahuasca retreat into every conversation? Hey buddy, I love you, but youre really polarizing this cookout. You may not impress people with your knowledge, but they will definitely see that you know how to bring fun to a grinding halt because you picked the wrong time to talk gun control.

Related: Now is Not the Time To Discuss Gun Control, Because my Penis is Stuck in This Jacuzzi Jet and I Cant Focus

 

Look, everybody knows that right after the shooting is not the time to bring up gun control. Its insensitive to the victims and makes you look like youre taking advantage of a tragedy. And waiting until the story is out of the news cycle is way too late since it will not make a sizable impact. So when is the right time? Just then. You missed it.

Now its too late. If another mass shooting isnt about to happen in a few moments, youre really going to look like youre crying wolf. So better luck next time catching the moment where it is OK to talk gun control, and remember, no matter what you do, it is never OK to talk mental health.

The post Did You Miss It? That Was the Moment It Was OK to Talk Gun Control appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:47

Daft Limmy had a message for England before their first World Cup game and its pitch perfect "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Daft Limmy offering all the best for England ahead of their first World Cup game against Tunisia, from one neighbour to another.

Back of the net.

16:13

The BBC did this ahead of Englands World Cup opener and its one of the odder things theyve ever done "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The BBC usually has an uncanny knack of getting it just right with their World Cup coverage. Not just the games, but how they build up the tension beforehand and their inevitably sad (but epic) montages when England get knocked out.

And then and then theres this effort, which they put out today ahead of Englands opening World Cup game against Tunisia on Monday.

Opinion appeared to range from poor to very poor to well, have a look for yourself.

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16:06

SWAT Team Actually Huge Fan of Streamer "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ORANGE COUNTY, Calif. A SWAT team sent to stop a fake threat at the home of professional Twitch streamer Michael shroud Grzesiek reportedly told him that they are actually huge fans of his gaming content, according to close sources.

When we get called into these high pressure situations, we are ready to eliminate all hostile targets with lethal force, but boy what a fun surprise it is to see a friendly face! exclaimed SWAT Team Leader Steven Horowitz. The whole team loves to watch shroud play PUBG and we play squads all the time. When we ran into his room, we were like Hey! Its kinda like were playing squads right now in real life! Maybe we should have thrown in a grenade first, am I right? Like in the game? So friggin fun!

Read More From Hard DriveLets Jump Right Into It, Says YouTuber Eight Minutes Into Tutorial

The SWAT team, which was sent in after an anonymous tip about a threat at Grzesieks home, broke down the front door and swarmed his bedroom with armed police officers before realizing it was a prank likely from a disgruntled gamer. According to the hundreds of thousands of people watching Grzesieks Twitch stream at the time, Grzesiek was horrified.

Im glad it was such a nice time for everybody, said SWAT member Laura Gorny, after posing for a group photo with a visibly shaken Grzesiek. Shroud was just so down to Earth. I know its technically bad that people call SWAT teams on streamers for no reason especially for that guy who died but for us, its nice to get a break from the action and talk video games with our favorite streamers.

I mean were basically good friends with Dr. Lupo at this point, which is so awesome, she added.

At press time, after fielding questions from the SWAT officers about the difference between their assault rifles and the ones in the popular battle royale game PlayerUnknowns Battlegrounds, Grzesiek cleaned up his home and took some time to relax with a six hour stream of Fortnite.

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16:00

JD Wetherspoon inspires Queen to launch ships with cartons of milk "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Like a rut-ready Ram surfing a wave of pyroclastic patriotism, JD Wetherspoon announced last week that they are chopping Champagne and European booze post-Brexit in favour of bottles of Blightys best home-brews, including: Beached Whale Ale and Yellow snow IPA.

A Wetherspoon spokesbody explained, The UK is the leading export market for Champagne which will change when we offer British and New World sparkling wine alternatives, such as: Champrain, from Mancunian vines, naturally boiling Fukushima Brtonium, tangy Cumbrian Gnats Pissecco and the soothing Calpolicella for kids. Brands from not too far away are out, but brands from far, far away are ok.

Other British institutions have been keen to follow suit and move away from Champagne-based social affirmations. Buckingham Palace have announced the Queen will be launching ships by smashing a carton of full-fat Corgi milk, fresh from the Royal Herd onto hulls post-Brexit. F1 Grand Prix motor racing winners will spray fellow drivers with full-sugar Dandelion and Burdock, ensuring the lucky winner still gets a buzz but will be able to drive to the shops for a loaf later.

Red wines from EU nations will also be replaced, for example: Who Dares Wines in Hereford, produce a full-bodied claret from the collected sweat of serving SAS soldiers. Does not go well with chicken. Quick-fire shots will get a revamp with, Navy Gravy: a teaspoon of Bisto added to a double measure of Pussers Rum.

British food options are expected to follow as soon avocados can no longer be passed off as carrots. With its non-EU stance, will dining in JD Wetherspoon consist of a pint of Elderflower tea, Full-English scones, clotted cream with a compote of Scallop jam? Undoubtedly, but it wont be a European compote, thank you. Itll be a British dollop.

15:43

There was one question everyone was asking about Icelands viewing figures for their World Cup opener against Argentina "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Icelands first ever match in a World Cup finals was an epic 1-1 draw with Argentina and it rated pretty well on TV up there.

How well? This well.

And lots of people had the same question which can be neatly summed up by the Times journalist, Oliver Kay.

Here are some of our favourite answers.

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15:30

Youth Pastor Knows Someone Who Is Pretty Punk Rock, and His Name Is Jesus Christ "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

IRVINE, Calif. Youth pastor Doug McCabe casually mentioned yesterday that he had a friend who was a real punk rocker, and his name is Jesus Christ, while attempting to engage 16-year-old punk parishioner Alex Freeman, witnesses confirmed.

I saw that Alex was a little hesitant about some of our teachings so, I reminded him that Jesus of Nazareth, son of God, was, in fact, punk as fudge pie,' said the youth pastor from his office. That young man had frequent clashes with authority, an itinerant touring lifestyle, and a crew of 12 disciples. It doesnt get more punk than that.

Additionally, McCabe told Freeman that if hes looking for a friend who gets what youre going through, and knows how hard it can be to punk out with your scene crew, I know somebody you can always talk to, according to one witness who requested anonymity. Freeman allegedly stood, staring blankly, for 15 seconds before McCabe hurriedly added, Jesus. Im talking about Jesus the guy we were literally just talking about.

McCabe is known for specifically tailoring Christs message to young parishioners.

I had a young man in here, a captain of his football team, who was starting to stray from the flock, said McCabe. But Jesus himself was like the quarterback of an underdog team of Christians. Even though the Romans were a bigger team, Jesus still got in the end zone for a field goal.

Related:

Following his rap sesh with McCabe, Freeman admitted privately that some of the messages did have an effect on him.

While it should be obvious to everyone that church is stupid and dumb, it was pretty cool when Pastor Doug said that the Book of Revelation had a real Blitzkrieg Bop at the end, said Freeman, trying to solicit alcohol outside of a 7-11. Then he told me about when Jesus flipped over all of those tables in the temple its almost like he was telling those guys that the only merch that matters is the love of God, and that cannot be sold.

At press time, McCabe did confirm that, while it is n...

14:36

This 10 y/o lad was bullied about his lunchbox so his uncle did this and its awesome "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A 10-year-old lad called Ryker got a tough time off his classmates for his space cats lunchbox although frankly theres not much wrong that we can see with it.

But his very cool uncle was concerned about it so he went on Facebook to tell people about what was going on.

My cousin, Emily, has a 10 year old son named Ryker. Ryker, who loves cats, was very excited to get his new lunchbox. Unfortunately because of its colors, or because it has cats, or both he was teased about it by other boys in his class. He even wanted to stop taking his lunch so he wouldnt be teased about it any longer.

I have decided, however, to stand with my little cousin and show him that a man can love whatever he wants and not be afraid to express that love.

Not only that, he did this and its brilliant.

Heres the rest of what he had to say in full.

I have decided, however, to stand with my little cousin and show him that a man can love whatever he wants and not be afraid to express that love.
So I have ordered the same lunchbox for myself and proudly carried it to work today at my large, conservative, corporate workplace. Ive told anyone who asked the story behind my lunchbox and to a person, they all stand with Ryker too.
Theres no one way to be a man. Men can be colorful. Men can be expressive. Men can be emotional and silly and gleeful.
I love my new lunchbox and I hope Ryker and all the other boys out there can see that their passion and self-expression is never something to be ashamed of.

The really good bit was that it encouraged a whole bunch of other people to do the same.

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14:15

Mobile Drunk Tank hits the streets ahead of #RoyalAscot "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A bold new initiative promising to bring relief to the residents of Ascot has been unveiled today following a spate of alcohol-fuelled brawls at race meetings.

A new ad from Paddy Powers is promoting the Drunk Tank service whuch will provide temporary accommodation for up to 50 racing fans to sleep off the booze in clear-sided 6 x 2 metre container mounted on a lorry.

Members of staff will cart drunks off the streets of Ascot in wheelbarrows, before transferring them into the tank.

Following recent events, the Irish bookmaker unveiled the The Drunk Tank ahead of Royal Ascot (tomorrow) in a bid to avert a rumble at Britains most prestigious race meeting.

Last week, racecourse bosses announced that punters could be breathalysed or refused admission as part of a crackdown on brawls that have recently marred meetings at Ascot and Goodwood.

The post Mobile Drunk Tank hits the streets ahead of #RoyalAscot appeared first on The Poke.

14:10

This exchange about laws governing stuff that harms you will have you facepalming into next week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Jeremy Vine shared this exchange today between the governments one-time drugs tsar and the then home secretary, Jacqui Smith.

It took place a few years ago and yet has a timeless quality that alas still resonates today.

David Nutt was later forced to resign as the governments drugs tsar for stating his view that cannabis, ecstasy and LSD were less harmful than the legal drugs tobacco and alcohol.

Heres what people said about the dialogue today.

13:58

Soccer Actually Just That Slow, Optus Confirms "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

optus world cup

As complaints of dodgy World Cup coverage continued despite the problem now being fixed Optus was forced to explain to Australian viewers that thats just what soccer looks like.

Thats not buffering. Thats just the way the games played, an Optus spokesperson said. We fixed the problem days ago.

He said some customers had complained that they hadnt seen any action for the entire 90 minutes. They mustve been watching Iran v Morocco, he explained, adding it was important for viewers to understand how the technology worked. If it looks like youre seeing the same thing over and over again, thats not a glitch. Thats soccer.

He said thousands of people had complained about jumpy coverage, but it was actually just players repeatedly diving across the field. It looks artificial, I know. But thats the game. It takes some getting used to.

13:48

Our favourite 6 things people did with Brazilian keeper Alisson bursting a giant ball "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Brazils goalkeeper Alisson didnt hang around when a giant ball bounced onto the pitch during his teams World Cup opener against Switzerland.

It was crying out for people to have a bit of fun with it, and there really was only one winner.

Sublime.

Other people did this

13:00

Parliament canteen to serve PC food "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After the revelation that that House of Commons restaurant had re-branded Spotted Dick Spotted Richard so as not to embarrass MPs, further examples have come to light leading to demands for an immediate public enquiry. In a leaked memo, the Commons breakfast buffet for Friday offered quails eggs laid by a happy hen, sunny-side up, served with toast non-combatants on a living wage.

To de-fuse the situation, the House of Commons Head of Catering offered this explanation: When you deal with great minds like Boris Johnson, David Davis and Diane Abbott, the last thing one needs is to disturb their equilibrium with risqu comestibles.

Meanwhile in the House of Lords, there has been a backlash with Knights of Realm wishing a spade to be called a bloody hipster shovel, not tableware. The Lords menu this week was graced by such delicacies as Toad in the Fatty Crevice, Cock au Vin but with real cock and Beef Curtains with Chefs Special Sauce.

A waiter from the Lords ruefully admitted The desserts are best left under wraps, but suffice to say anything labelled a tart is served on a raw prostitute.

Consensus among Whitehall officials was that the Lords approach challenged the accepted tropes for a standard bill of fare, however it was preferable to the PC-f*ckery at the House the Commons.

12:56

This womans boyfriend set her selfies to Cotton Eye Joe and its hypnotic "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone called @Marissa_Tee_ was sharing some selfies with her boyfriend, when he revealed a talent for animation and kind of singing. The result is a work of genius.

Its so good its been shared more that 280,000 times on Twitter alone.

There were some very appreciative reactions.

And Hannah Lupas had one simple piece of advi...

12:12

The worlds saddest doodle got an update to save our breaking hearts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Even before Brexit, Trump and the spiralling cost of Freddos, artist Ben Cameron had discovered a particular talent for hitting us right where it hurts, as these doodles show.


(via)


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All of which are featured in his book, appropriately entitled Tragidoodles.

However, the picture that would come to be described as the worlds saddest doodle was shared in this tweet.

For si...

12:00

World domination plans in disarray as evil mastermind elects to work from home "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Employees of a sinister underworld organisation have today branded their sociopathic overlords decision to work from home rather than their labyrinthine volcanic lair in the Indian Ocean a complete sodding disaster.

Dr Daktari Bludkaskett, the bald, affectation-strewn Svengali of SNARK, providing market leading evil solutions since 1976, emailed employees two weeks ago to announce that he would be overseeing his fiendish plot remotely from a newly-refurbished cottage in Padstow.

Dr Bludkaskett, cited the desire for a better work/death balance as the primary driver for the change of location. Nihilo and Nietsch are both getting to secondary school age, he noted,  and frankly Hex Island is in about the worst catchment area you could wish for this side of Kolkata.

However, the previously loyal Myrmidons of the Hex Island operational centre say that the change in management style to virtual has been little short of calamitous and not in a good, evil way.

Its been a non-stop screwupfest from day one, bemoaned Bludkastketts prodigiously talented sidekick Namiastka. First meeting, monday morning; were waiting for his gruesome contorted face to appear on the office Jumbotron. He only goes and pairs his webcam with the TV screens of every bloody world leader if I told him once, I told him a thousand times: use the silver remote with Bluetooth off!

Plus, you have to keep hapless guests standing over the piranha tank for half an hour, grumbled SNARKs resident ADHD cyber-hacker Nils Skansion. Meanwhile el presidente is desperately trying to use his Macbook to operate a set of Windows-compatible trapdoors.

And youve just gotta pray that a crack squad of ninjas dont abseil down the lip of the volcano on a Friday, added Namiastka. If the boss isnt changing laundry loads or picking up the kids, hes watching Jordan Peterson videos on Youtube.

Many of the employees now question the feasibility of an October launch date for planet-despoiling satellite Apocalypticon (now renamed: Silver Guillemot), however, Dr Bludkaskett has told staff that together, they will make it happen.

We may be separated by 5,248 miles and Cornwalls notoriously slow broadband speeds, he told employees via an emergency Skype meeting, but this evil takeover will happen. Oh yes! Woahahahah (screen freezes and pixellates for 25 seconds) ahahahaa oh hang on a sec, thats the Amazon delivery guy Ive been expecting him.

11:30

This guy really couldnt persuade Brandon he had the wrong number and it didnt end well "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For some reason its always more surprising when someone gets a wrong number on a mobile than it used to be on a landline.

Its even more surprising when someone texts the wrong number and sometimes its hard to persuade them that yes, they really do have the wrong number.

And sometimes it doesnt end well. Just take a look at this exchange shared on Reddit.

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11:23

This lawyer had an unconventional solution to upskirting and got precisely the responses he deserved "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Lawyer Nick Freemans Twitter name is @TheMrLoophole because of his reputation for getting rich people acquitted of drink-driving charges due to technicalities. He probably wishes he could find a loophole to excuse one particularly ill-advised tweet, after he received a barrage of criticism.

This is what caused the furore.

It seems victim blaming is alive and well, but the replies were having none of it.

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11:04

A DIY shop put this sign in its window and these 7 responses are very satisfying indeed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A chap called Jeff Amyx decided to put this sign up in the hardware store he runs in Tennessee and the responses are a useful reminder that the world hasnt entirely gone to shit.

Heres the sign (and doesnt he look proud of it!)

Just in case you thought it wasnt an entirely reasonable thing to do, he put this one up too.

Thanks Jeff. And here is how people responded online.

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11:00

Solstice Druids vote leave "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Crowds gathered at Stonehenge to remember the catastrophic immigration policy that led to an influx of Anglo-Saxons during the fifth century. Bringing their European laws and illuminated texts, these economic migrants undermined the core British values of badly cooked mutton, dancing naked around fires and believing in fairies.

Endorsing the Brexit campaign, one lead Druid complained about the job threat to Wiccan-based businesses: Weve seen the steel industry collapse but what about the salt gatherers, the amber miners and the guy who keeps the pixies away? These Anglo-Saxons are just cheap labour who smell of dung and dont get me started on the Normans.

Quaffing a pint of mead, Nigel Farage welcomed these bearded recruits to the leave banner. A UKIP spokesman said: Britain is stronger without EU interference. We dont want a bureaucrat telling us what shade of blue to paint our genitals or whose head to chop off and mount on a spike.

Twelve thousand people attended the Neolithic site in Wiltshire to throw their support behind the slogan Keep Britain for the Ancient Britons and the less catchy F@ck the Vikings!. Meanwhile Pagans across the world celebrated the longest Summers day, just before the referendum kick-starts the longest night.

10:54

Police Address Violence Against Women By Asking Google Maps To Remove Walking Option "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

RICK MOSS | Resolutions | CONTACT In the days since a tragic incident in Melbourne sparked a national debate over the safety of women in our country, police and government officials around the country have announced immediate action plans for protecting their testosterone-impaired citizens. Following their comments urging women to take responsibility of their own safety in suburbs []

The post Police Address Violence Against Women By Asking Google Maps To Remove Walking Option appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:42

Someone blamed Hyundai for David de Geas gaffe and then Hyundai joined in "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This is one of those marvellous moments when you make a joke about some giant faceless corporation and the giant faceless corporation joins in.

It started when someone noticed this about Spanish keeper David de Geas comedy gaffe against Christiano Ronaldo in the World Cup (you might have to look once or twice to clock it).

Beautifully spotted sir!

Lots of people joined in, of course.

And then so did these guys.

Which got almost as many retweets as the original joke.

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10:19

Last Friend Still Talking About Crypto Concedes That The Dream Is Over "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There will be no Lamborghini. No beach house. No weekend getaways in the private jet, nor models to occupy the Gulfstreams plush leather seats. Instead, only broken dreams and a seemingly dead-end job in a field that will cease to exist once next years doomsday recession takes hold. Today has been []

The post Last Friend Still Talking About Crypto Concedes That The Dream Is Over appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:11

Absolutely the funniest reviews of any MPs constituency offices youll see today "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Stand-up comedian, Tiernan Douieb, noticed that not only can people review their MPs constituency offices on Google Maps, but that someone had given Jeremy Hunt a brilliant 1-star hammering.

In case thats not clear, and because its worth reading again anyway, here it is in all its glory.

Invited Jeremy round for dinner. By the time coffee was served he had shut down our conservatory and privatised the neighbourhood watch scheme.

As a result, we now have to put up with Richard Branson turning up every Tuesday night to chair the meetings and essentially making Mrs Winterton from number 16 redundant

He isnt the only recipient of bad feedback. Heres one for the Prime Minister herself.


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09:34

Optus CEO Says He Unplugged Modem And Blew Into The Outlet So Everything Should Be Sweet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Optus CEO Allen Lew has assured FIFA World Cup fans that everything should be sweet, after he unplugged the network modem himself, and blew air into the outlet before reinserting the cord. This comes as Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has been assured by the chief executive of Optus that the telco giants streaming issues []

The post Optus CEO Says He Unplugged Modem And Blew Into The Outlet So Everything Should Be Sweet appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:01

You wont wheely believe the assistance Ronaldo had with his second goal against Spain "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Portugal launched its World Cup campaign with a hat-trick from Cristiano Ronaldo securing a draw against Spain. Football writer, Dan Critchlow, noticed something odd about why the Spanish keeper, David De Gea, failed to save Ronaldos second shot.

A clear case of interference against Spains goalie, or possibly a hit and run. Hyundai was widely blamed in the replies, but tweeted this.

But they would say that, wouldnt they?

Someone called @_LeeWhite explained what had really happened.

Kane was driving and hes claimed it.

The post You wont wheely believe the assistance Ronaldo had with his second goal against Spain appeared first on The Poke.

08:55

Patrice Evra applauded a fellow World Cup pundits analysis 11 favourite responses online "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ITVs World Cup pundit Patrice Evra managed the unlikely feat of stopping people talking about the football for a minute after some viewers were enraged when he applauded the analysis of a fellow (female) pundit.

Evra was accused of sexism after clapping the analysis of former Chelsea and England international Eni Aluko during the channels coverage of Serbias match against Costa Rica.

Here are our favourite reactions online (including the moment itself).

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08:21

Rod Liddle said this about the World Cup and its the best burn youll read this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Rod Liddle told Sunday Times readers he didnt get to watch England win the 1966 World Cup because his parents sent him to bed before extra time started.

Poor lad, we feel for him, what a thing to miss out on.

Except, er, a reader had this to point out in a letter to the paper on Sunday.

Good on them for printing it, we guess, and we look forward to Liddles response next week. Well, only a bit.

Source

The post Rod Liddle said this about the World Cup and its the best burn youll read this week appeared first on The Poke.

07:57

Birdie Song Set To Invade Your Brain Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It was the soundtrack to 1981, the backdrop to an entire summer of crazy 'wing-flapping' on the dancefloor, and probably the worst record you ever heard, but the Birdie Song by The Tweets is up for re-release next month. Originally written in the...

07:36

Nines Sports Arm Renamed Wide World Of Reality TV After Losing Rights To Almost Everything "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Channel Nine has confirmed today that they will be renaming their iconic and long-running anthology brand the Wide World Of Sports (WWOS) this summer. Nines WWOS has rivalled Channel 7s sporting coverage for decades but is now set to be renamed the Wide World Of Reality Television, (WWORT) with executives at the company having already admitted that it doesnt quite []

The post Nines Sports Arm Renamed Wide World Of Reality TV After Losing Rights To Almost Everything appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:25

Irresponsible Woman Walks Somewhere "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local woman has today put her life at risk by taking part in one of the main forms of locomotion among legged mammals. While deciding how to best get between point A and point B, local woman Gloria Innes (27) irresponsibly assumed that she would be able to walk less than a kilometre in []

The post Irresponsible Woman Walks Somewhere appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:11

Stan Grants Personal Assistants Assistant Confident Her Job Will Survive ABC Sell-Off "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT More than 100 MPs and members are in Sydney for the Liberal Partys annual federal council which is expected to be the last before the next federal election. The right-wing political classes have already announced several new positions aimed at dealing with any detractors or commentators who might bring their ruling party into []

The post Stan Grants Personal Assistants Assistant Confident Her Job Will Survive ABC Sell-Off appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:22

Team Passing Drill Throw A Curve Ball As Prop Cheekily Handballs The Steeden "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact If fourth-grade suburban rugby league is the sport of kings Paddy OConnor is certainly the crown price of the local competition. Either that or court jester according to those who play with the swashbuckling 29-year-old prop forward. Case in point being at a forwards gym and drill session down the Dolphins []

The post Team Passing Drill Throw A Curve Ball As Prop Cheekily Handballs The Steeden appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:02

Women Need To Be More Careful Says Man Who Passed Out In Pub Car Park On Friday Night "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local man Gordon Leonard (25) says male on female violence can be easily avoidable if our nations women take care of themselves and dont end up in situations where they might be vulnerable. The South Betoota-based Joe Rogan-enthusiast says he shares the same concerns as everyone when it comes to the rates of []

The post Women Need To Be More Careful Says Man Who Passed Out In Pub Car Park On Friday Night appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:18

Farmers Knowledge Of The Land Set To Die With Him After Sons Decide Not To Take The Farm On "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular local grazier has had to come to terms with the fact that all the knowledge hes gained during his farmer career is probably going to die with him after his youngest son revealed he doesnt want to follow in his fathers footsteps. At 68-years-old, Miles Culter had entertained the idea of []

The post Farmers Knowledge Of The Land Set To Die With Him After Sons Decide Not To Take The Farm On appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:32

Italian Mate Says The Standard Of Soccer In 2018 World Cup Has Been Pretty Shit So Far "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A prominent Italian-Australian from West Betoota has today declared that he hasnt really been watching much of the soccer, because its been really shit. Local boutique stone and tile retailer, Marco Bianchi (32) says its pretty weird that so many shit teams got in, and the bits and pieces he has seen on []

The post Italian Mate Says The Standard Of Soccer In 2018 World Cup Has Been Pretty Shit So Far appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

May to give NHS birthday present of HMV vouchers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Despite claiming to have found another 20bn for the NHS in left over change from the DUP, the Prime Minister has drawn up a gift list involving socks, scented candles and an ironically titled self-help guide. She has also booked a indoor childrens play area, so every medical practitioner can experience two hours in a warehouse, screaming at the top of their lungs, as they bounce off the walls a typical working day, essentially.

Tax payers aggrieved to be paying for their own birthday gift, may also be wondering why they are only getting a 5 voucher after having put 100 in the pot or how PFI shareholders got a PlayStation 4? Theresa Mays initial idea was for a surprise 70th, the surprise being that after six years of Jeremy Hunt there still was an NHS.

Interestingly, the Government has decided to re-brand their legal responsibility to fund services as a present . Which means Universal Credit will now be referred to as a bounteous gift, education funding as a charitable donation and pensions as a tip.

Another potential present had been three months of NHS free-parking but that was calculated to be worth more than the 20bn. Mrs Mays bestowal will also have an accompanying card, entitled Get Well Soon.

00:30

Tony Abbott Appointed Minister In Charge Of Not Selling The ABC "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Turnbull Government has announced a new Ministerial appointment this week with former Prime Minister Tony Abbott being appointed the Minister for Not Selling The ABC.

I think Tony will do a marvelous job in helping us convey to the general public our intentions of not selling the ABC, said Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull. You chaps in the media like stirring up trouble. Just because the Liberal council and the IPA of which most of our Senators are members want to sell the ABC does not mean we will sell it this year.

I mean have you seen how little bananas are selling for, we need to wait for the price to be higher before we sell.

When reached for comment on his appointment Mr Abbott said: Australians can trust that I, Tony Abbott will not sell the ABC. I am a man of my word. I have previously promised that there would be no cuts to the ABC and I delivered on that.

Sure we took money off the ABC but we did not cut anyone or anything on ABC premises. Now if youll excuse me Im off to see Rupert MUrdoch to see how much hes willing to pay, hypothetically if we were to sell the ABC.

Mark Williamson 

...

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Sunday, 17 June

15:30

Punk Father Lets Underage Son Have One Huff of Glue "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

DALLAS Local punk and father of three Andrew Semple reportedly allowed his underage son Andy, Jr. the privilege of sharing just one huff of glue with him late yesterday evening, sources confirmed.

My little Andys becoming a big boy now, Semple said. Ever since he was a kid, hed go upstairs while I yelled at Most Metal Moments and fetch me a bag of Elmers or some spot remover if it was a special occasion. I figured, after all this time, hes old enough to share just one huff with his Pop-Pop. Hes got hair on his nuts.

Andy Semple, Jr., age 10, reported great joy from the experience.

Dad told me not to tell mom, but it was so cool! Semple, Jr. said, despite a mysterious rash that developed on his face. All my friends at school have already tried glue once, and now, I can show them I know whats up, too. Just like them.

Related:

After sharing the heartfelt moment with his son, the senior Semple reminisced on a similar experience in his childhood.

I remember my father did the same thing with me, he said, looking off towards the sky. It was 1988, and my Daddy and I bless his soul had just seen Youth of Today. After the show, I saw a man with a triple X tattoo, and I asked my Daddy what it meant. He looked me in the eye and said, Son, all of that straight edge stuff is gay. Here, breathe this.

I took a huge whiff of whatever was in that bag, and I instantly knew that Id vaguely remember this moment for the rest of my significantly shortened life, he added.

Despite the father-son bonding, Semple, Jr.s mother, Betty Garza, was unhappy to learn of the events that took place.

My son is not old enough to be doing that. I mean, what if he became addicted? Or what if he died on his first sniff? the concerned mother said. And, God forbid, what if he accidentally tried to huff non-toxic in front of some older kids or something? God, hed look like such a huge fuckin poser.

The post...

13:14

The Betoota Advocate Interviews Controversial Murdoch Columnist Miranda Devine "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Spicing things up for episode 15 with conservative Murdoch commentator and columnist Miranda Devine. We ask the big questions this week and Miranda tells us how she processes the things she writes, in episode 15 of The ever popular Betoota Advocate Podcast. Editors Clancy Overell and Errol Parker sit down with the controversial right-wing commentator, []

The post The Betoota Advocate Interviews Controversial Murdoch Columnist Miranda Devine appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:00

Upskirting bill supported by every woman in history not will of the people "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sir Christopher Chope OBE has caused confusion by shouting objection to a private members bill that would prohibit upskirting, which presumably has the unanimous support of every single woman in recorded history.  Sir Christopher was overheard saying: If God had meant us not take photographs of c$$ts, hed never have given us Tory MPs.

It was initially reported that Sir Christophers actions were motivated by a wish to honour the memory of EastEnders villain Dirty Den, the death of the actor who played him having been announced on the same day. The bereaved family had threatened to sue for defamation on the grounds that the character would never have stooped so low.

It later emerged that Sir Christopher, who has supported the privatisation of the BBC, had never heard of the soap opera, but had occasionally mistaken it for Crimewatch.

11:00

Wanted: Experienced football manager for untenable position "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Are you a football manager with extensive experience at the highest level? Are you looking for a part-time job paying millions? Will you happily accept being undermined by your employer while keeping your opinions to yourself? If the answer to all these questions is yes, then this may be the job for you.

Managing a team of arrogant millionaires, with egos even bigger than their houses, you will be expected to deliver outstanding results against superior opposition, in order to meet the unrealistic expectations of millions of delusional fans. Day-to-day responsibilities include travelling around the country watching football matches (preferably with English players involved), refuting allegations from the tabloid press, and generally trying to give the impression that you are somehow earning your massive salary.

Less frequent aspects of the job will see you selecting a squad once every few months, overseeing training and reminding players how to play football. An ability to mediate in disputes between those under your management is a must, especially if you continue to select John Terry.

While not essential, a chequered past and questionable conduct in your private life would be seen as an advantage by the English media, who would happily write page after page about you any time the team does not perform as expected.

The successful candidate must be willing to travel, and the role will sometimes include trips abroad to countries such as Poland and Ukraine. These trips are not likely to last longer than one week.

10:32

Favourite tweet of the World Cup so far after Iceland draw with Argentina "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Early days we know but heres our favourite tweet of the World Cup so far after Iceland smallest nation at the World Cup, playing their first World Cup, drew with Argentina.

Says it all.

10:24

Someone did this outside the office of a Tory MP and youll soon realise which one "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You will probably have heard of Conservative MP Christopher Chope who single handedly stopped upskirting becoming a criminal offence in the House of Commons on Friday.

This is what his constituency office looks like now.

Nicely done.

...

10:03

Sesame Street Unveils Scary New Coastie Puppet, The Grog Monster "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet| CONTACT The makers of the iconic and ever-popular childrens television program Sesame Street have shocked parents and children today with a spooky new coastal Australian character called the Grog Monster. Sesame Street is an American educational childrens television series that combines live action, sketch comedy, animation and puppetry and has influenced children []

The post Sesame Street Unveils Scary New Coastie Puppet, The Grog Monster appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:13

Quality Of Nail Salon Judged By Strength Of Sickening Chemical Odours Wafting Into Arcade "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local nail salon in Betootas inner-city suburb of Roma Hills has been rated as a solid 9.5/10, judging solely off the smell. ToP pOLiSh can be found at the the sixth left-hand shopfront in the grimey Roma Arcade, just between the RTA and the prominent Australianised Chinese Restaurant, Red Lotus. While no []

The post Quality Of Nail Salon Judged By Strength Of Sickening Chemical Odours Wafting Into Arcade appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:22

Fed Up Mom Buys Game for Wrong System on Purpose "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

OMAHA, Neb. Sources have confirmed that Skylar Stough, mother of three, intentionally bought a copy of Injustice 2 for Playstation 4 instead of Xbox One, in an apparent attempt to punish her son Daniel for recent disciplinary issues, and to see the look on that litte shits face.

This accident child keeps texting me pictures of the game cover with XBOX in all caps. Like I dont know the fucking difference? Stough was overheard shouting in line at a local Best Buy. Im the one who bought the goddamn Xbox in the first place! Even though I told him PS4 has much better exclusives. Maybe this will teach him to listen!

Read More From Hard DriveTeam of Mother Scientists Develop Pause Button for Online Game

Matt Neal, the employee assisting Stough, told reporters he walked up to the angry mother hoping to help. After being asked to fuck off, he thought it best to let Stough shop in peace.

Normally when I see parents come into this part of the store, they look lost. Im always happy to answer their questions, he said. But this woman, she was different. She seemed to know exactly what she came in here for.

Daniels birthday isnt until June 30, but Stough admitted she was thinking of giving him his gift a little early.

Shit, I might just throw it in his face when I get home today. Hell have to pretend to like it and say Thank you, she said. I may have raised a brat, but I made sure he has manners. I cant wait to play this game on the PS4 he doesnt know I have.

After purchasing the game, Stough allegedly kicked over a display of New Releases and made an obscene gesture towards it on her way out of the store.

The post Fed Up Mom Buys Game for Wrong System on Purpose appeared first on The Hard Times.

03:34

Frances Hernandez Cleared To Play Next Game Despite Sustaining 11 Separate Concussions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

hernandez france

In what has been described as a miracle recovery, Frances Lucas Hernandez will line up against Peru next week despite suffering from 11 concussions and a broken leg in the game against Australia.

Hernandez who also sustained a spinal injury in the second half bravely played out the game against Australia even though he broke his leg in the 11th minute, and was frequently concussed.

Its amazing how he gets these quite serious injuries game after game, but then seems to recover. Its so brave, one observer said.

Doctors are concerned for Hernandezs safety should he come up against serious physical contact in the next game. If he is actually pushed or elbowed, there are concerns he might die, one medical professional said.

03:32

Survey: 80% Of Inner City Left-Elite Still Kept Awake At Night By The Adler Shotgun "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Fresh from complaining about his slightly overcooked $10 rump last night down the Gibbering Elf Club in the Old City District, a perennially-hard-done-by-sexagenarian-property-owner knew he would have trouble sleeping after the unpleasant verbal altercation he had with the bistro manager. But it wasnt because he called a 19-year-old girl []

The post Survey: 80% Of Inner City Left-Elite Still Kept Awake At Night By The Adler Shotgun appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:26

Opinion: Heres Why Racism Might Be Problematic. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

JAMIE HOTTAKE | Outrage | CONTACT Its fair to say 2018 is probably the worst time ever to be a marginalised minority and it boils down to one simple reason: Racism. Now before you go mad in the comment section pissing on about that time during uni that I allegedly threw a cat out of a window for a []

The post Opinion: Heres Why Racism Might Be Problematic. appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:54

European Nation Of 70 Million Beat Australia At Our Fourth Most Popular Sport By 1 Point "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australias first dance in the 2018 FIFA World Cup has seen us controversially go down to a country that probably has equivalent to our entire populations as registered soccer players. The Socceroos had an almighty crack against the renowned soccer nation France last night, but ultimately fell short at the death in a 2-1 []

The post European Nation Of 70 Million Beat Australia At Our Fourth Most Popular Sport By 1 Point appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:47

Girls Drinks Enters Hug Phase "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact Its Saturday afternoon at the French Quarters hottest day club and the girls just ordered another 3 bottles of rose. Babe, I love you one girl was heard saying. Nawww, no I love you! Her friend replied. Reports from other patrons state that two women then embraced in a []

The post Girls Drinks Enters Hug Phase appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:28

4-Hour Drive Confirms New Girlfriend Is Not Quite On Beyonces Level Yet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact Betoota Hills robot, Colin Dominican (29) thought his newish life partner, Sandra Wentworth (28), had it all going for her. She was hot, funny, loved footy and getting around his mates in his eyes she was perfect. That was until they decided to have a weekend away together []

The post 4-Hour Drive Confirms New Girlfriend Is Not Quite On Beyonces Level Yet appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Africa closes its borders to migrant British bankers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Reports are surfacing that a rescue vessel containing hundreds of staff from British bank branches has been turned away from ports along the North African coastline.

The migrants are following a well-trodden path to North Africa with reports of thousands of pub landlords already in settlement camps and rumours of dozens of ships containing high-street retail workers landing every week.

A journalist on the rescue vessel, HMS Public Bailout, reports:  Some are without CVs, some are sat on foldaway bikes going nowhere.  Most havent had a probiotic yoghurt in days.  Those that still have charge left in their iPads are desperately trying to update their LinkedIn profiles.  Many say they are headed to the Promised Land of Nigeria where a Prince awaits to utilise their talents.  Theyve been trying to barter their way into ports with nothing more than gym passes, Costa coffee loyalty cards and the offer to perform a personal financial review.  Its a mess.

For just 3bn a month you can keep these bankers in the style they are accustomed.  Give a banker a fish, he will eat.  But give him a fishing rod, he will try to lease it back to you in the form of a sub-prime mortgage.

00:31

Man Buries Himself Under Road For 3 Days In Stunningly Realistic Portrayal Of Life In Hobart "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Artist Mike Parr has been buried in a small container underneath a road in Hobart, in a moving depiction of what its like to live in the city.

Its cold and dark and boring, Parr reported from a two-way radio, five metres below one of the citys main streets. Theres absolutely nothing to do here. I want to move to Melbourne.

In what has been described as a test of endurance, Parr will stay in the container for 72 hours and some people will live in Hobart for their entire lives. Its definitely a hole, one onlooker said.

One Sydneysider enquired about buying the spacious studio apartment.

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Thursday, 24 May

16:14

Dog Was Barking Up The Wrong Tree "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A dog which had chased a cat over an area of wasteland and into a wooded area where it stood barking for more than ten minutes at a place it thought the cat was hiding, was barking up the wrong tree. The cat, a scrawny ginger-colored beast, had al...

07:09

Man Delayed Flight By Taking A Dump "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Airline passengers at Manchester's Ringway airport were in uproar yesterday evening, after a flight was delayed when another one of the passengers was forced to visit the lavatory at the Gate before boarding. The flight, from Manchester to Bangkok...

Wednesday, 23 May

22:10

Can You Stand the Heat??? Hot Pretzel Yoga Not for the Faint of Heart! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Combining the key principles of hot yoga with the technology of wood-fired brick ovens, the latest fitness craze known as hot pretzel yoga offers participants the opportunity to twist themselves into a pretzel and be baked at 425 degrees for 45 minut...

16:37

Woman Marries Herself "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A woman in New Jersey who fell out with every boyfriend she ever had, has married herself. Tina Snodge, 37, who lives in Trenton, never had any problems finding partners: she was pretty, brunette, shapely, athletic, and also had a few dollars in t...

11:51

"Me Too" Bags Another; Disgraced School Chief Quits "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In the wake of New York attorney general Eric Schneiderman's resignation, another top government official elsewhere has succumbed after similar startling revelations of unwanted sexual assaults on women. Following a painful and sometimes tearful c...

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