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Sunday, 21 October

00:55

Internet of Things to really bugger everything up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If you think that technology is already giving free rein for twats and psychos to make a mess of everything, you really havent seen anything yet, experts have warned today. The Internet of Things, which has come of age in recent years and is expected to consist of about 50 billion objects by 2020, is going to create a clusterfuck of quite unimaginable proportions.

Basically the Internet of Things means the inter-networking of physical devices, vehicles, buildings and other items embedded with electronics or network connectivity, enabling them to collect and exchange data, said Professor James Archer of the University of Durham.

Imagine that app that supposedly lets you control your central heating from your mobile, except it doesnt but instead causes the boiler to explode because you were too thick to programme it properly, only a thousand times worse. Then imagine it being connected to everything else, so that any spotty kid with a computer can hack into your hopelessly unprotected home network and dick around with everything you own if you tick him off for taking a piss on your car.

Some pessimists are fearful that the Internet of Things may lead to hacking into sensors to make other peoples lights come on at random times, or your boss being able to monitor exactly how much time you spend crying in the toilet. More optimistic scientists believe that it will give errant husbands a plausible excuse for the trail of orders for Gimp outfits on the credit cards if someone forwards this to their wives. Archer, however, thinks both sides are missing the point.

Put in sensors and actuators and the technology will come part of much wider cyber-physical systems, he said. Smart grids, smart homes, intelligent transportation, smart cities all operated by fuckwits or angry nerds who have never been within five yards of a vagina. The moment in history when ultra-connected devices intersect with ultra-disconnected brains. Someone shoot me now, please, and good luck to the dolphins when they come to sort this all out.

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Saturday, 20 October

23:08

Logan Paul Apologizes for Controversial Unboxing Video "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOS ANGELES YouTube star Logan Paul issued yet another apology today after posting a vlog in which he opened up a casket in a local cemetery titled UNBOXING IN GRAVEYARD!! (SAVAGE).

The video, deleted less than three hours after being uploaded, showed Paul in Westwood Village Memorial Park in Los Angeles. Paul can be seen digging up a casket and opening it with a crowbar while his friends blew air horns.

Woah check out this killer swag, Paul said in the video while examining what appears to be a wedding ring. So, we got a dude inside who looks like he hasnt hit the gym in years. Whats up, bro? Whats with those skinny arms, bro?

Paul then proceeded to remove the body from the casket and deadlift it, shouting, Get it? DEAD-lifting! Then, Pauls friends danced around him and played vuvuzelas to the tune of Despacito while Paul moved the corpses mouth to mime the Justin Beiber parts.

Two hours after the video had been deleted, Paul posted an apology on Twitter.

Lets start with this. Im sorry. Again. I never meant to offend anybody when I posted a video where I unbox a coffin, check out the cool collectibles inside, take out the corpse, and deadlift it. LOL! Sorry, just remembering that joke. Fuckin classic. Anyway, all I wanted to do was raise awareness about death, which is a very serious issue because if you are dead you cant like and subscribe. #logang #maverick

YouTube issued a statement in response to the controversial behavior.

We do not condone Mr. Pauls behavior even though we do profit from it, a YouTube spokesperson said. Mr. Paul must take responsibility for the broad platform we allow him to abuse time and time again. At this point, we are prepared to have meetings to consider weighing the option of potentially demonetizing his channel. We implore Mr. Paul to explore more advertiser friendly content, such as plagiarized video game reviews or monetized reaction videos to mass shootings.

At press time, Paul had just announced a charity boxing match between him and the corpse hed dug up.

The post...

18:56

There was something about this tweet by Home Secretary Sajid Javid that made people furious "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Home secretary Sajid Javid has come in for fierce criticism after he said this on Twitter about the case of a grooming gang in Huddersfield that raped and abused girls as young as 11 and was found guilty on Friday of more than 120 offences against 15 girls.

And this is why people were so angry about it.

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18:37

All 24 Paying Netflix Users Gather for Historic Photo "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

OTTUMWA, Iowa A historic moment was captured by Time magazine today, as all 24 of Netflixs paid users gathered in one place for a cover story, the first time the streaming services entire clientele has been assembled at one time.

This is really great, said Brandon Dygert, whos $13.99 monthly premium plan is being used by an estimated eight million others around the world. Its so cool to meet other people who love Netflix as much as we do, and they have been so nice in flying us all out here to do this.

All 24 of the special guests concurred that Netflix went above and beyond making them feel comfortable, and several were surprised at the low number of overall subscribers.

I thought there were way more of us, to be honest, said Nancy Chalmers, who flew in from Boston. I guess Im like four percent of the viewers? That doesnt seem right at all.

Chalmers, who has provided her Netflix login information to several coworkers and friends, as well as the entire New England area, was further surprised at the appearance of Reed Hastings, Netflix founder and CEO, who spoke to the group.

Generally we dont divulge important figures like ratings, or numbers of paid members, said Hastings, speaking to the 24 users after the momentous photo was taken. But I will make an exception today and confirm that what we have assembled here this afternoon is the entire paid subscriber base of the number one streaming service in the world. Thank you for keeping us on top!

Stars of several popular Netflix franchises joined Hastings at the ceremony. Millie Bobby Brown, star of the beloved hit series Stranger Things, thanked the gathered users for their loyalty.

These last few years have been a whirlwind, said Brown, who plays fan favorite Eleven on the acclaimed show. Without your three hundred bucks every month, Netflix would not be able to provide the amazing shows and movies we all love so much. I want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart.

The cover story is scheduled to be released next week. In related news, 60 Minutes has announced that this Sunday CBS will be airing their anticipated interview with the countrys lone paying HBO Now user.

The post All 24 Paying Netflix Users Gather for Historic Photo appeared first on The Hard Times.

18:22

Peoples Vote march: Funniest 19 signs from the Brexit protest in London today "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Around half a million protestors are estimated to have taken part in the Peoples Vote march in London today campaigning for a vote on Britains deal to exit the EU.

As has now become expected of this sort of thing, there were plenty of funny signs and here are 19 of the best.

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16:39

Trump buys all possible numbers for $1.6 billion Mega Millions jackpot "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump announced today via Twitter that he has purchased $584 million dollars worth of lottery tickets. The strategy of obtaining every possible number combination ensures that the former comedian and current acting president will win the record $1.6 billion Mega Millions jackpot. Thats nearly a 200 percent return on my investment in one day, tweeted Trump. #Wow

16:00

Nick Clegg hired as Chief Whipping Boy at Facebook "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Social media giant Facebook has confirmed that unofficial report that it only hired former Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg as Head of Global Operations in order to be able to blame him every time they have a system failure are absolutely correct. Clegg will be brought out to apologise in public for every breach of security by Russian hackers or a Primary 3 class doing simple computer studies manages to wipe the private details of 50 million subscribers but not before having posted them online for the entire world to see.

Explaining the rationale behind the move, Brian ONeil, Facebooks HR Director told reporters: This is a great strategic appointment for us. Nick Clegg is widely known to have been to blame for nearly everything since the time he sold British university students down the river to shamelessly further his own blind political ambitions. Man Uniteds terrible start to the season, the Strictly Curse, the Brexit Shambles and Little Mixall Nicks fault. Just remember, folks #NickCleggsFault. Brilliant!

16:00

Missing 1bn in sickness benefit found in 1970s charity box "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Department for Work and Pensions have blamed a ceramic boy with callipers and a haircut like Jimmy Carr for the fact that tens of thousands of people have been without vital funds. Allegedly, the retro-charity box had been stuffed full of forgotten paperwork, such as disability claims, Windrush apologies and a workable solution for Brexit.

The child shaped box was left unattended outside a tobacconist in Battersea, which many passers-by had simply assumed was a memorial to Janette Krankie. Only after a DWP inspector had designated the inanimate figure as fit to work did anyone ask Why is a mini Roger Federer standing on one leg?

A DWP spokeswoman explained: OK, 180,000 people are owed payment arrears, but just as many arent. So I think we can all agree, this has been an overwhelming success. And to anyone who has committed suicide, while waiting for benefits, I say this better luck next time.

15:45

Crust Punk Comedian Wants to Know The Deal With Dumpster Food "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NEW YORK Up-and-coming crust punk comedian Gil Ratboy Johnson tried to entertain audiences last night at The Creek with nuanced takes on landlords, dating, and dumpster food, according to apathetic audience members.

Seriously, what is the deal with dumpster food? Johnson repeatedly asked. Its like, people just throw out all this good shit, you know? Sure, theres some dirt, and maybe a couple bites gone but nothing you wont find in a restaurant. And yet, Im gross for eating it! Knock the shit off, and bon apptit, motherfucker!

Unfortunately, the audience struggled to relate to Johnsons seemingly out-of-control lifestyle.

It was weird, said audience member James Webb. All of his jokes were punk takes on done-to-death bits. Like, how crusties be squattin, am I right? Or if we ever noticed how hardcore kids danced like this, but crust punks danced like this. And when he bombed, he got pissed at us for not laughing he said he was too real for us.

When his ask of where his Leftver Crack fans were was met with devastating silence, the nascent comedian allegedly snapped.

He spiked the microphone on the stage which caused all this feedback and called the audience a bunch of fucking posers, said fellow comedian and host Carmine Flynn. It was tough going up after him that microphone smelled real bad once he was done.

Reportedly, venue management was not amused by Johnsons set and outburst.

We tried to stop him from leaving after he broke that mic, but he was already gone by the time I grabbed security, said promoter Calista Daniels. I dont think Im gonna book anymore crust punk comics as it is, were probably gonna have to fumigate the stage and green room. Youd think hed have smelled better with all that fucking dental floss patchwork on his vest.

At press time, Johnson was spotted with his head down and feet up in a dumpster, rehearsing his TV-ready tight five set on a family of confused rats.

The post Crust Punk Comedian Wants to Know The Deal With Dumpster Food appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:04

Harry Maguire To Feature On New 50 Note? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The news that the government has reversed its decision to scrap the 50 note, has met with cheer, and a call from football fans to include upon the note the face of England player, Harry Maguire, the team's hero at the Russia World Cup. The note...

14:54

Hung Parliament: Desperate PM Gives Bob Katter Green Light To Kill As Many Crocs As He Wants "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime minister Scott Morrison has a minority government and the crossbench has a new MP after Kerryn Phelps dominated the Liberals a record-breaking defeat by a record-breaking swing. Some analysts say that by ousting Prime Minister Turnbull, who had a stranglehold on what should be the safest Liberal seat in the entire country, and almost indefinitely sacrificing []

The post Hung Parliament: Desperate PM Gives Bob Katter Green Light To Kill As Many Crocs As He Wants appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:29

Fire Chief In Trouble Over Improper Use Of Fire Engine And Crew "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A Fire Chief in charge of a local fire station was in hot water earlier, after it was revealed he had used the station's fire engine and its crew improperly - to stick up bill posters for the Firemen's Brass Band Concert! Captain Flack, of Trumpt...

14:12

Servo Attendant Only Man In Local Divas Life Who Knows What She Looks Like Without Make Up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Claudia Smith-Jones (26) is one of Betootas hottest socialites, shes known around town for her flawless complexion, immaculate hair and enviable style. People have said that shes the only Instagram influencer whos Insta looks are the same as her real life looks. Well, not any more. The Advocate can exclusively reveal that Claudias []

The post Servo Attendant Only Man In Local Divas Life Who Knows What She Looks Like Without Make Up appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:00

Mystery blight killing stinging nettles nothing to get too concerned about "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Stinging nettles across the country started wilting, turning black and literally losing their sting in early September. A dog walker in Surrey was the first to notice the phenomenon: I thought thank f@$k for that. There was a big patch of the bastards over by the railway line. Always used to catch my ankles in the summer. Glad to see the back of them.

While the Head of the Botany department at Kings College, was circumspect when asked how many botanists had been assigned to identifying the virus. Its not a priority at the moment. Our thoughts are concentrated on finding a good venue for this years Christmas party

By December it is estimated that therell be no nettles left anywhere in the country, something that prompted a Friends of the Earth spokesperson to issue a stark warning. A nation without stinging nettles would probably mean a reduction in, I dont know, moths maybe. And that could have a devastating effect on moth eaters and whatever moths eat. On the other hand, no more stinging nettles!

The extinction of one species can often have a knock-on effect on others. Asked whether the demise of stinging nettles would result in the disappearance of dock leaves, long reputed to have soothing effects for anyone stung by the all-pervasive nettle, one botanist merely shrugged. That whole dock leaves thing proved as useful to many people as knowing that a man can break a swans wing, or whatever it is. Anyone seen a dock leaf? No. Know what they look like? No. I dont care if theyre wiped out too for all the good theyve ever done.

bravenewmalden

10:28

Malcolm Turnbull Laughs And Pours Himself Another Stiff Tall Glass Of Diet Coke "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The former Prime Minister awoke early today in New York, put his favourite Gazman trousers on, buttoned his crispest Hugo Boss business shirt and retired to the living room of his bespoke Upper East Side apartment to watch the news. Malcolm Turnbull had to wake Lucy twice in order for []

The post Malcolm Turnbull Laughs And Pours Himself Another Stiff Tall Glass Of Diet Coke appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:18

Guess Who [Out Of The 7.6 Billion People On Planet Earth] I Ran Into Today?! Asks Girlfriend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A local woman has just asked her boyfriend a question with literally an infinite amount of answers and appears to be insisting on him guessing the correct one. Omg youll never guess who I saw today! Who? Responded the boyfriend. No, you have to guess! Go, guess insisted the girlfriend. Ummm began the boyfriend before []

The post Guess Who [Out Of The 7.6 Billion People On Planet Earth] I Ran Into Today?! Asks Girlfriend appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:57

Opening Guitar Riff From Man! I Feel Like a Woman! Kicks Girls Drinks Into Warp Speed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The girls have been on a pretty solid trajectory this afternoon at Betoota Bowling Club, with ros and aperol flowing like the once great Murray River. Bar staff have informed the advocate that the girls are up to their 10th bottle Rose and dont look like slowing down any time soon. This prediction was proven []

The post Opening Guitar Riff From Man! I Feel Like a Woman! Kicks Girls Drinks Into Warp Speed appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:34

Wentworth By-Election: Shorten Might Just Sit This One Out Aye "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Candidates for Wentworth have taken to the streets  in an last ditch effort to garner voter support at the ballots for todays by-election. Independent candidate for Wentworth Kerryn Phelps has been at a voting centre in Bondi, while Liberal candidate for Wentworth Dave Sharma headed to Rose Bay. With a couple hours to go []

The post Wentworth By-Election: Shorten Might Just Sit This One Out Aye appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:26

President Trump To Go To Saudi Arabia To Sort Things Out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

US President Donald Trump, has told senior members of the Republican administration he is to go to Saudi Arabia to personally deal with the investigation into the disappearance of the Washington Post journalist, Jamal Khashoggi. Mr Trump, who doe...

03:06

Sensible Middle-Class Family Rocked To Their Core By Unprecedented Belly Button Piercing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact Maddie Hay (18) has just sent shockwaves through her sensible middle-class family after revealing to her mother and father that she got her belly button pierced on the weekend with her friend Chelsea. The announcement came as quite a shock to the parents who only let Maddie get []

The post Sensible Middle-Class Family Rocked To Their Core By Unprecedented Belly Button Piercing appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:57

Coworkers New Tattoo Has Really Lame Back Story "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact A local cleanskin has today found himself having to lie to his tattooed co-worker after the co-worker shoved a weeping chest in his face saying, look at my new ink, isnt it cool? Luckily for Mike Ropesly, the cleanskin, he was quick-witted and able to think on his feet, []

The post Coworkers New Tattoo Has Really Lame Back Story appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:33

Year 12 Student First Person In Family To Experience Stress "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact You guys just dont fucking understand! I have got 3 exams in one week! Theres no way I can study for all these exams at once! Those are the pathetic cries of current year 12 student, Danika Fernly. Danika, like many other year-12 students before her, is under []

The post Year 12 Student First Person In Family To Experience Stress appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:26

Live Music Enthusiast Puts Concert Highlights On Instagram Story For Her Less Cool Followers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Last night at the Betoota Bowery Ballroom, a local live music enthusiast stood in awe as Taxiride played a smorgasbord of their classic hits as well as their tasteful and experimental new stuff. As Emma Hall bobbed her head and clicked her fingers to the beat, she paused []

The post Live Music Enthusiast Puts Concert Highlights On Instagram Story For Her Less Cool Followers appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:49

Voting For An Independent In Wentworth Will Lead To Instability, Says Nations Fifth Prime Minister Since 2013 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

morrison wentworth

A vote for an independent is a vote for unpredictability, Australias temporary Prime Minister told voters in Wentworth today.

Mr Morrison, who overthrew previous Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, who himself overthrew previous Prime Minister Tony Abbott, said only the Liberal Party could offer stability in Wentworth.

Independents may look like an appealing option, but theyre an unknown quantity. When you vote for a major party like the Liberals, you know who youre going to get, Morrison said.

Mr Morrison, who is the nations fifth Prime Minister since 2013, said what his party offered was stability. Nothing says stability like a hastily called byelection brought about by the knifing of a sitting Prime Minister.

The Wentworth byelection will be held on Saturday, with the general election expected next month.

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Wednesday, 26 September

04:12

Man Tricks The Devil Into Buying His Sole "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man in New Jersey has told how he tricked the Devil in a contractual arrangement, whereby the Dark Lord agreed to grant the man's wish to bed a woman he desired, in return for his sole - not his soul. Barry Grime from Trenton had had designs on...

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Tuesday, 25 September

06:52

Man Pleads Guilty To Sexual Misconduct In His Sleep "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who has been accused of sexual misconduct whilst asleep, has admitted he is as guilty as the day is long. Bert Kavanagh, 32, a roadsweeper from Muncie, Indiana, told drinking buddies at the Bra Strap pub that, with regard to the charges that...

Monday, 24 September

22:21

Coffee Objects to Perpetually Being Grabbed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

No longer willing to passively tolerate a modern-day society in which grabbing it is the accepted norm, coffee has finally spoken out. Im steamed! said coffee spokesman Joe Cuppa, his indignation clearly at a boiling point. I am not meant to...

21:42

So Kavanaughs A Flasher "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So Brett Kavanaugh is a serial flasher. So whats the big deal? He can still sit on the bench and decide womens health issues; when and if women should be allowed birth control; whether women should retain the right to vote, drive a car, wear shoes...

18:52

Judge Kavanaugh accused of expanding the classic 4 Fs to 6 Fs "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mr. Kavanaughs troubles continue to mount as this week new accusations have surfaced from a) a new female accuser and b) Stormy Daniels lawyer Michael Avenatti. Mr. Avenatti, who also aspires to candidacy in the 2020 presidential election, claim...

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