IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Archiver

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Sunday, 18 February

00:55

Tell your parents Youll be dead soon, advises young Remainer "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A young Remain supporter, frustrated by the fact that his generation will have to live with the consequences of Brexit for longest, has come up with a new strategy for winning Leavers around to his way of thinking.  In the past, weve too often just told Leavers they were gullible, stupid or racist, he explained.  Clearly, thats just going to harden attitudes, when we should be focused on their hardening arteries.

Today were launching a campaign encouraging young Remainers to tell their parents Youll be dead soon, so you ought to vote the way I want.  If they dont accept the logic, try pointing out that theyre looking a bit pasty this morning, they had red meat for dinner again last night, and belonging to a gym is no use unless you actually go.

While youre at it, try asking them to be a bit more frugal in their lifestyles, or else therell be nothing left for you to inherit.  Seriously, two trips to the garden centre this weekend?  What you just spent on compost would keep me in vaping accessories for a month.

The young mans parents initially declined when asked for a comment, until finally his mother issued a statement admitting they clearly hadnt done a great job as parents, to which his father said: Its not all our fault dear, they get these things from their friends.  Anyway, thanks to Brexit, hell be dead soon.

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Saturday, 17 February

22:01

Nibiru At Our Doortstep, says Dr. Trowbridge "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Frozen iguanas in Florida, blankets of snow covering North Carolina beaches, super storms brewing in atypical geographical locations, and powerful earthquakes rocking Mexico and Great Britain all reinforce scientific assertions that a brown dwarf star with multiple orbiting planets is slowly but surely nearing our planet, says Nibiru whistle-blower and former USGS climatologist Dr. Ethan trowbridge.

Dr. Trowbridge says mounting evidence points to the existence of Nibiru, which for the last 1600 years, give or take, has been on the inbound leg of its long journey through the solar system. Earth, he insists, is at Nibirus mercy.

Just look around you, and look at the evidence right before your eyes, said Dr. Trowbridge. Seven-point-two Earthquake rocking Mexico, more showing up all over the place. The severity and frequency of earthquakes are reaching unprecedented levels, and Nibiru is at least partly responsible for the escalation of super storms and atmospheric aberrations across the globe. Time is growing short.

Nibiru, he adds, has fully emerged from behind the dark side of the sun and is now gaining velocity as it escapes the suns gradational pull and reenters a highly elliptical course, with an orbital eccentricity of approximately 0.97 relative to Earths southern hemisphere. What this means, he says, is that even at a distance of over 130,000,000 miles, Nibiru is powerful enough to latch onto Earth and cause both geomagnetic and geophysical transformations.

Like Ive said before, right now were experiencing a see-saw effect, where Nibiru pulls on the Earth and then the Earth attempts to right it. All planets have this abilitythis is why after previous flybys planets have recovered from Nibirus influence. Otherwise, all planets in the solar system would have been flung out of orbit permanently.

A principal called orbital elasticity, he said, allows planets to bounce back from potentially devastating pole shifts. Once Nibiru sweeps past ...

17:47

Facebook Can Boost Your Post R.I.P. Grandma for $10 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hi Facebook user! We threw this article into your newsfeed because we have a new tip for you based on your activity. It seems that posts similar to your post (R.I.P. Grandma) performed well after being boosted! Try boosting your post (R.I.P. Grandma) for $10 to reach up to 3900 new people!

Wanna share (R.I.P. Grandma) with a wider audience? Now you can! For just $10 this post will be seen not only by the people who should be seeing it in the first place because they have chosen to follow you, but by complete strangers as well!

So just who does your awesome post (R.I.P. Grandma) get shown to? You decide! Boosting not only gets your post seen, it gets it seen by the right people! Who would you like (R.I.P. Grandma) to be seen by? Men in their 20s? Women? People who have liked pages that you have liked, such as Reservoir Dogs and I Fucking Love Science?

Related: We Exposed Facebooks Plot to Decrease Organic Reach but Only 13 People Saw It

 

It looks like your post (R.I.P. Grandma) is performing well, great job! Tell you what, well actually give you $10 to boost this post so you can see the difference for yourself!

Additionally, our AI has flagged another one of your posts (R.I.P. Grandma) as sad. In accordance to Facebook decency standards, your account will be suspended for 24 hours.

Hard Times merch is more cost effective than boosting a Facebook post. Plus, you dont feel like youre also selling a part of your soul:

16:12

DNA Test Confirms Scat Of The Elusive Bigfoot Discovered In Produce Section Of Safeway "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Flagstaff, AZTeam Search Truth Quest (STQ) believes they obtained irrefutable evidence of the existence of a hominid-like primate living in the produce section of a local Safeway. According to DNA testing, via STQ member Alex Bones iPhone app, the scat contains both human and primate DNA. Captain of STQ, Mick Zano, said, This is like finding the Holy Grail inside the

16:00

Apathy Party threatened by radical new group Inertia "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

One of Britains most well-established and highly-respected political parties, the Apathy Party, faces a new threat to its established order.  A small group of fanatical inactivists, anxious, as they say, to restore the party to its core values and calling itself Inertia, has begun to unorganise in local branches.

The Apathy Party was losing its way claimed one inactivist.  Candidates were occasionally thinking of actually seeking nomination, which would have required party members specifically and consciously to refrain from voting.  That is contrary to everything our party holds dear.

The main objective of Inertia will be to ensure that no possible candidates ever even think about volunteering, let alone nominating anyone else, to do anything at all.  Sitting non-candidates need to be aware that they risk de-selection if they are ever even merely suspected of contemplating engaging in any activity of any kind whatsoever.

The party has remained utterly indifferent to its very foundations by this shock revelation

15:30

Aging Goth Removes Ribs to Put Socks on With Ease "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NEW ORLEANS Local goth Peter Draven McGinty, burdened by his age and weight, has surgically removed his lower two ribs to alleviate his struggles with putting on his socks, confused surgeons confirmed following the operation.

Every time I try to put my socks on, it ends in failure and wheezing, said the melancholy McGinty before the operation. I thought about removing my lower ribs back in the 90s for other purposes, but didnt follow through. Now I need the procedure just to make it through this dire world of pure blackness with my boots on instead of flip flops.

Friend Branwen Thatchborne supported McGintys choice.

You might not believe this, but Peter used to be a God amongst men. Thats why we called him Draven like from The Crow, lamented Thatchborne over a chalice of absinthe. But now that he looks more like Marlon Brando from The Island of Dr. Moreau, the procedure makes perfect sense. I thought about doing the same thing in my youth to help with corset training, but Im old fashioned. I just developed an eating disorder.

Related:

Though they ultimately conducted the operation, McGintys medical team was hesitant to perform the surgery, and repeatedly urged him to try more routine procedures.

I commonly recommend my patients with weight issues undergo gastric bypass surgery, followed by a lifestyle change to a well-balanced diet and exercise, said Dr. Kendra Patel. This bizarre rib resection, while not medically warranted, did satisfy his issue and grant him street cred. The whole thing seemed like bullshit to me, but he paid cash up front and I have a yacht to pay off, so, whatever.

Following the successful surgery, McGinty is recovering and looking forward to dressing himself without passing out. While the goth is now more aware of the benefits of exercise and diet, he still allegedly believes it is much too mainstream and too positive to endure.

The best way to support The Hard Times is to buy a shirt, so do it now:

...

13:00

Digital Services manager not actually passionate about job "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

While having a quick drink after work on Monday, digital services manager Sarah Barrett has admitted that she in direct contradiction to the office wide email announcement sent round earlier that day is in fact NOT passionate about keeping customers secure online and protecting the information we hold of theirs.

Im paid to, Sarah confessed, thats true.  But to say Im passionate about it?  Thats not quite right.  Later after missing the twenty-seven past train and resolving to definitely get the next one Sarah, exasperated now, said: Im passionate about two things my husband and learning languages.  Thats it.  Digital services is just a job.  Whats wrong with that?  Why isnt that enough?

11:00

Anti-capitalist protester starts anti-capitalist events management company "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

it's only right to think of the poor people of China in all this...An anti-capitalist protester camping outside St Pauls Cathedral in London confirmed today that the experience has inspired him to start ProtestEx the worlds first event management company dedicated to making sure your bid to overthrow the status quo goes without a hitch.

The people running this one have done brilliantly, said Christopher James of Kingham, Oxfordshire. Its a great central location, near Starbucks and Pizza Express, and theres plenty of opportunities for a few sherbets in the evening. But all the organisers are hippies and unemployed, so they had some time on their hands, and that got me thinking what if you wanted to start a protest but couldnt fit the destruction of the entire bourgeois rentier system into your busy working schedule? Youd need an events manager just like if you were planning to get married.

ProtestEx offers to handle all aspects of creating a protest, from catering to communication to accommodation. We can even sell you colour co-ordinated tents that spell out your aims when viewed from a BBC helicopter Ive got a source in Shanghai, said Mr James. But Im also looking to branch out into other causes. Fox hunting, anti-nuclear, anti-Murdoch you name it, well help you hate it. Obviously we cant promise your protest will succeed, but we can guarantee you unlimited skinny macchiatos during the attempt. If things go well Im hoping for a stock market flotation in 2015.

What we want is to make sure your big day goes off without a hitch, he continued. You cant have just anyone turning up, so weve negotiated favourable security rates with G4. Can you imagine if gypos showed up on your campsite with their dogs, unruly children and big fat brides? Nightmare! The last thing you want when demonstrating to save the world is a bunch of selfish people only worried about their own needs. Well stop them for you for a fee.

10:39

This is how much Jamie Foxx wants to talk about Katie Holmes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This actor whos going out with another actor really doesnt want to talk about it so you probably shouldnt ask him on live TV.

How much doesnt he want to talk about it?

This much, as Jamie Foxx was asked about Katie Holmes ahead of a celebrity basketball thing.

Well take that as a no comment.

Source

The post This is how much Jamie Foxx wants to talk about Katie Holmes appeared first on The Poke.

10:34

Girlfriends unfortunate chewna mix-up goes viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres tuna. And then theres chewna. Or is there?

This guys text exchange with his girlfriend went viral because, well, see for yourself.

1.

2.

3.

Source

The post Girlfriends unfortunate chewna mix-up goes viral appeared first on The Poke.

10:22

Moira Stuart reading out these 1984 by-election candidates is an unexpected treat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weve always liked Moira Stuart, but weve never liked her quite so much as we did when we watched this.

Because youre probably wondering, its this.

David Bentley is our favourite.

If youre wondering why it doesnt happen so much these days, it might be something to do with this.

And for the very committed among you

...

10:06

The replies to this suggest classroom resentment runs deep "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This question went viral because so many people had things to get off their chest.

Plus, a lot of the replies were very funny.

Here are our favourite 11 responses.

1.

2.

3.

4.

07:05

Ad-Ridden Sudoku App Early Lock for Moms GOTY "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MUNCIE, Ind. Linda Schulte, mother for 34 years and recent smartphone owner, announced in a Facebook post today that Too Much Sudoku, a free-to-play mobile application based on the popular puzzle game, had established itself as frontrunner for her 2018 Game of the Year honor.

best app I have. finally a reason to own this ipod!!! [sic] Schulte said. deb, have you heard of this to  much sudoku game?

The post has since received recognition from across Schultes social network, including five Likes and one Wow Facebook reaction, as well as two comments.

Regarding other buzzed-about titles, including Florence and The Room: Old Sins, Schulte stated: dont know if ill be able to upload these but ill try!!! (son helped me get sudoku on my phone).

A follow-up reply asked if her entire list of Facebook friends could see the post, which she explained was supposed to just be sent to deb.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Since acquiring an 8GB iPhone 5C from 31-year-old son Randall, Mrs. Schultes gaming habits have changed significantly. Previously, friends and family had known Schulte as the Jumble queen, a reference to her skill with the popular syndicated puzzle series.  

The installation of Too Much Sudoku has led to what Schulte described as an obsession in a subsequent Facebook post. Someone help me to stop playing these addicting sudokus, said Schulte, before Haha reacting to her own post.

Randall Schulte, the second of three children in the family, has also observed the effect the game has had on his mother. She ran out of memory and started deleting photos of her dogs, said Schulte. Photos of grandchildren. I was like, Just get rid of the Sudoku app and she swatted me.

...

05:59

Trump Explains How Obama and Crooked Hillary Caused the Stock Market to Go Way Down "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mar-A-Lago, FL President Trump gave a brief interview in-between the third and fourth course of a banquet at Mar-A-Lago today. It was honoring Over a Year of Trump and Still No Nuclear War. When he was asked why the stock market went down after...

05:37

Its Not Happening, Tony: Abbott Asks Rupert Murdoch If He Can Be PM Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As a weakened Malcolm Turnbull wallows in the mangrove, a Komodo-like Tony Abbott has sniffed an opportunity to get himself back in the top job. According to Rupert Murdoch, the lizard king, its not going to happen. In high-level talks this morning between The Advocates eventual owner and Mr []

The post Its Not Happening, Tony: Abbott Asks Rupert Murdoch If He Can Be PM Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:32

Mens Right Activists Keyboard Too Caked In Twistie Dust To Respond To Clementine Ford "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Pop Culture & Property | CONTACT Theres a distinct air of panic accompanying the stale air in Jason Backcaps room this afternoon. Its not the fact that his mum hasnt cleaned his room for a week, but because the opportunity for him to comment on a complete strangers post on Facebook is slowly slipping away. Jason, []

The post Mens Right Activists Keyboard Too Caked In Twistie Dust To Respond To Clementine Ford appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:48

Trump Resents Winter Olympics Cutting Into His Spotlight "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mar-A-Lago, FL President Trump ripped into the Winter Olympics at a recent impromptu interview on the 16th hole of the Mar-A-Lago golf course. "This is as bad as the NFL players disrespecting their country and not standing for the national anthem...

02:23

Trump Overturns Law of Evolution "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mar-A-Lago, FL President Trump tweeted at 4:10 a.m. that he was issuing an executive order banning evolution. In an interview later this morning Trump explained his latest deviation. "I don't know if people realize, but this goes against what the...

02:20

Singing Frog Sensation Totally Embarrasses President! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hello my baby, hello my honey. Hello my ragtime gal.    

02:02

Trump.com to issue Pre-Emptive Kremlin Pardons for 13 Indicted Russians Cyber Spies "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Following the now accepted Presidential standard of offering Pardons for loyal party hacks who provide diffusion for the fake Russian investigation. The latest batch of lucky Pardonees are out of the starting box early. In fact the Pardons were ann...

01:51

Small Town RSL Front Desk Asks Non-English Speaking Backpackers If Theyre Members "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact An ordinary Thursday night shift has become anything but as North Betoota RSL club front-desker Stuart Atkins (65) asked a group of non-English speaking backpackers if they are already club members. Good evening guys. Member? The startled group of Melbourne-bound French backpackers stated they know enough English to get []

The post Small Town RSL Front Desk Asks Non-English Speaking Backpackers If Theyre Members appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Titanic passengers call for reconsideration of order to abandon ship "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We are not impressed by the confusion over the transition into the lifeboats, said a disgruntled passenger. And we should have a chance to change our minds, once we know exactly how the lifeboats will be filled, who will be in which lifeboat, how big the lifeboats are, how comfortable they will be and even whether there will be absolute certainty that there are enough lifeboats anyway.

Other passengers have voiced doubts about the whole idea of taking to the lifeboats at all. We will be adrift, alone, in the dark, in the middle of a vast ocean. Surely we should stay aboard the ship we know as it heads at full speed towards Ever Closer Union, whether that is Ever Closer Union with the USA, Ever Closer Union with an iceberg, or whatever.

Yet the ship was designed by experts and is crewed by experts very highly paid experts, too, by all accounts even if we didnt have any say in their appointment.  What could possibly go wrong?  And who invited Boris into the lifeboat?  Hes too fat for us to stay afloat and keeps demanding 350m for Jet Skis.

However many of the passengers are undecided. Perhaps, at regular intervals, we should repeatedly re-examine the idea of abandoning the ship, said one of them.  Another said: The ship was built in Northern Ireland.  The people there seem to be a calm, wise, level-headed and open-minded bunch of people, always with a clear, logical and consistent idea of what they want.  Why dont we let them decide for us?

 

00:41

CHICKEN COLESLAW ROLLS: Tradie Prepares His Cultural Dish For Lunch "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Foodie | Contact The healthy eating trend that has taken the world by storm has today trickled down into the community of Australias backbone, the tradie. Tradies across Australia have realised that their health is the one commodity that they have complete control over, so theyve begun switching their meat pies and []

The post CHICKEN COLESLAW ROLLS: Tradie Prepares His Cultural Dish For Lunch appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:31

Mum Acting Like Shes A Wanted Fugitive After Seeing Cops In Rear View "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT A local mother of 3 managed to stay at least six cars away from the police during school pickup yesterday. Tensions rose when Kylie Cass, 39, with a brief history of extremely low-level recreational drug use, was driving along Trotter Street and looked back in her rearview mirror. All of a []

The post Mum Acting Like Shes A Wanted Fugitive After Seeing Cops In Rear View appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Friday, 16 February

23:54

New Homeowner Says Come Over For A Tour Of Their 800 Sq Ft Skybox "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Managing to squeeze her way into the property market through a combination of hard work and wealthy parents, Janice Baillieu (28) insists you must have the tour of her 800 square foot Sydney apartment, despite the fact you saw most of it when you stepped inside. Come on in guys, you MUST have the []

The post New Homeowner Says Come Over For A Tour Of Their 800 Sq Ft Skybox appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

22:23

US Navy surveillance off North Korea deciphers mysterious audio from Pyongyang "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Specialists aboard an aircraft carrier off the coast of North Korea have broken through what appears to be secret code used in Kim Jong Un territory. Commanded by Admiral J. Caesar Whittlebane, the carriers crew was deeply shocked recently when...

20:03

Melania To Gorilla Glue Donald's Package To Bed Frame "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: If stuff like this can be fabricated, then Fake News has to be taken seriously. From an exclusive interview appearing in today's edition of the Slovenia Times, it is reported that Melania Trump has decided to do something ab...

19:33

You Can Pry My Gun From My Kids Cold Dead Hands "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

My childs body is still warm and people are already trying to politicize her death. Wheres the decency? I worry this is the new normal. Our nation is on the verge of just accepting that politically correct nutjobs will routinely try to take guns out of the hands of children.

If it were up to these kooks, no child would have access to guns. But kids today have the right to defend themselves from school shootings dont let any of these power-hungry politicos tell you differently. The only thing stopping a bad child with a gun is a well-behaved child with a more powerful, military-style weapon they have been trained to use.

Thats the way my daughter believed, and I will honor her memory by continuing to fight for her right to know where I leave the keys to the gun safe.

I havent been this outraged since my daughters teacher showed her class video about puberty. Sex ed? These are children for gods sake. Give up my gun? I will give up my gun when they pry it from my kids cold, dead hands.

Article by Taylor De La Ossa @tayfabe_

The post You Can Pry My Gun From My Kids Cold Dead Hands
appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:03

Is this the most embarrassing pro-Brexit song youll ever hear? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

UKIP Supporter Mandy Boylett has made a terrible song about the EU divorce bill and why the UK shouldnt pay it.

Give it a watch. Its excruciating.

And they say never read the comments on YouTube. Lets go STRAIGHT to the comments.

and this

and this

Nigel Farage on a bicycle words fail us.

The post Is this the most embarrassing pro-Brexit song youll ever hear? appeared first on The Poke.

16:00

You dont have to mad to own a gun license, but it helps "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

People across America have today been mourning the loss of 17 lives following the latest this latest incident of a man brandishing his mental health, raising questions about how someone suffering from gun ownership was able to get his hands on some mental health and use it to such deadly affect.

An advocate of stricter mental health ownership said: We need to make sure people armed to the teeth with pistols, rifles, and enough ammunition to supply a small army arent able to just walk into a crowded place and start indiscriminately taking people out with their mental health.

One suggestion is to make sure teachers in school are all in possession of mental health issues to try and combat anyone committed to perpetrating a mass mental-healthing in their class.  A local resident to the recent mental-healthing and supporter of the idea said:  Its a well known fact that the best way to defend against a heavily armed bad guy with mental health issues is a good guy with mental health issues.

James Pluside

15:51

Only 90s Kids Remember Dad Smashing a Hole in the Wall with a Fax Machine "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Ready for the ultimate throwback? How many 90s kids reading this remember that day Dad smashed a fax machine against the wall?

Throwback!

He sure was mad and it sure as hell was the 90s!

Man it was a different time! We were all just relieved he didnt throw that bulky caveman technology at us!

Kids these days will never know the feeling when they see their dad throw their smartphones against the wall. Those things barely make a dent!

What a day! As iconic as the day you got your first super soaker or took your first wacky trip down a slip n slide!

Man remember the good old days? Just trying to suck down a sweet Capri Sun when BAM! Dads mad again! God those fax machines were SO bulky and GOOFY!

Related: Only 90s Kids Remember This Episode of Street Sharks Playing the Day Dad Left

 

We didnt even know what got him so riled up! We were just wacky kids!

LOL! You can hear those terrifying crash sounds like it was yesterday, just those chilling 30 seconds like a hit clip!

If you want a trip down memory lane, go to your old house! Chances are the holes still there!

Sure a lot of 90s kids remember Dad ripping your Sega Genesis out of the TV while you were playing Sonic the Hedgehog and whipping it at the Bowflex, even more remember Dad shouting CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED while you were just trying to watch ALL THAT! But only the truest of 90s kids remember the fax machine incident.

Did we miss any other traumatizing memories that only 90s kids remember? Let us know in the comments!

Article by Dan Luberto @thedanluberto

Oh man, remember t-shirts? Theyre back!

15:30

Unanswered Text Initiates Unending Cycle of Self-Loathing and Regret "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NEW YORK Local woman Angela Lefler experienced an unending cycle of self-loathing and regret last night after her post-date text message did not receive an immediate response, sources close to the anxious woman confirmed.

She was super bummed out when she got home, said Amber Miller, Leflers roommate. I dont really know why this began 5 minutes after she didnt get a response. And apparently, her text wasnt a question, so, like, its pretty reasonable he wouldnt answer at all. Plus, its late, and a weeknight. Maybe hes just doing something crazy like, I dont know sleeping.

Unfortunately, Lefler instantly assumed the worst, descending down a spiral of psychological unraveling.

OK, so I went on a date last night. It went really well, we got along great and, after, I thought a quick, Hey, that was fun! text would be nice, said Lefler, speaking uncontrollably fast. Like, I thought it went well. Maybe it didnt? Did it not? We were both laughing he seemed to have a good time and when I said, Lets do this again, he was like, Yeah, definitely, text me whenever! Why would he say that if he was gonna ghost me? Did he maybe not realize it was a date? Was I unclear?

How hard would it be to just give a quick, Haha, yeah, or something right? she asked. That seems reasonable. I think thats reasonable.

Related:

An alleged appearance of a three-dot typing alert in Leflers chat window only exacerbated her analysis and evaluation of the date.

I stupidly texted, Were you about to say something? And I know that was a mistake. I know it, said Lefler, slightly bending the outer casting on his phone from clutching it so hard. What do you think? Should I switch from WiFi to LTE? Would that even help? Is he ghosting me? Is he playing games?

Should I have waited longer to text him? Should I not have texted him at all? Should I text him again? Lefler asked, hyperventilating. Is it because I coughed without covering my mouth? Was it my hair? Am I not tall eno...

13:50

These gender-swapped British Prime Minister photos will make you boggle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Which one do you fancy?

Harold Wilson looks like a bit of a minx with her sexy pipe.

The post These gender-swapped British Prime Minister photos will make you boggle appeared first on The Poke.

13:00

US government to ban single-use bullets by 2020 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With year-on-year shootings steadily increasing throughout America, the government has bowed to pressure and moved to tackle the environmental impact of this ongoing carnage.  We have reached a point in our collective history where something needs to be done, said a White House spokesperson.  There were in excess of 60,000 incidents last year involving the discharging of a firearm and we need to ensure that every effort is being made to re-use as much of that ammunition as possible.

Full details of how this will be achieved are yet to be confirmed, but early proposals include installing recycling banks inside operating theatres and co-ordinating lead collection drives during school shooting aftermaths.

The spokesperson avoided being drawn on the topic of alternative solutions, dismissing the idea that reducing gun ownership could save both ammunition and lives as utterly absurd.

 

12:00

Heres a Helpful Rundown of Dark Souls Lore for You Pathetic Nintendo Casuals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


Dark Souls is coming out for the Nintendo Switch despite the fact Nintendo consoles are only for children. I would question FromSoftwares decision to honor your preschool console with their immaculate creation but they are Gaming Gods I dare not question.

So heres what you need to know about the story before you start this game and puberty:

The Age of Ancients

In the Dark Souls universe, the world  was shrouded in fog; inhabited by huge trees and dragons.

Dragons are like giant Yoshis but for men.

Everythings super grey, depressing, mature and made for adults, unlike all that kiddy cartoon bullshit you slurp up. However, the Age of Darkness came to an end when fire entered the world. Fire created a bunch of disparities. Light and dark, heat and cold. Everythings like two sides of the same coin.

Youd understand if you were cool and smoked kush like me.

The Four Souls

Out of the dark, a bunch of people swarmed the fire, four of which got different Lord Souls.

Are you paying attention? This isnt some cutesy star-bullshit. Fucking Lord Souls.

This big skeleton dude named Nito got the Death Soul, which makes him the most metal of the four lords. Youre too young to understand metal but give it six years and youll love things with skulls on it like me.

The Witch of Izalith got the Life Soul, which lets her control fire. She accidentally messed everything up and turned most of her kids into demons. Shes got one normal daughter, plus two daughters she accidentally mixed with spider demons. Theyre hot, but freaky. Like Birdo, to put it in terms you might understand.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

11:47

Iraqi man torn between joining ISIS and becoming a stand-up comedian "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Baghdad Recent university graduate Mustafa Mosa says hes torn between becoming a mass murderer with ISIS and pursuing a career in stand-up comedy. I feel like Im at a major crossroads in life, said Mosa. Part of me really wants to get out...

11:28

This Valentines small ad is clearly written by a man who needs to be dumped NOW "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Valentines Day is a day for lovers to show they care or if youre an arsehole, a chance to confuse it with April the 1st and do a crap joke as shared on Reddit.

  • This ad was moved to the Obituaries section on February 15th. writes awakeningaz
  • I know someone whos not getting it on valentines day, and potentially has to sleep on the couch / leave the appartement. writes Dan-SP

DUMP HIM JODIE

Source: Reddit

The post This Valentines small ad is clearly written by a man who needs to be dumped NOW appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

Donkey Sanctuary should have spotted the donkeys were people in costumes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A donkey sanctuary admitted today that most of last years record intake of rescue animals were, in fact, men in quite convincing pantomime donkey costumes, many of them Greek. It also announced an immediate overhaul of its admission procedures.

It can be quite tricky to spot a real donkey from a fake sometimes, said a spokesman, especially when 500 of them turn up at your gates holding signs in their mouths reading my master no feed me any more. Plees help. Our policy is to help first, ask questions later although with hindsight the fact that some of the animals could actually answer our questions was a bit of a giveaway.

The fakers, most of whom came from Athens, were thought to have been drawn to the Sanctuary by its multi-million pound endowment, its offer of free food and lodging for life for abused animals, its beautiful Devon location and its excellent on-site medical facilities. OK so we had to walk around a field on all fours being stared at by visitors, and the food was a bit oaty, said one of the asinine impersonators, but in stable number 6 we had a radio, tv, everything. In Piraeus my bank had just repossessed the stereo what did I have to lose?

One of the donkeys underwent a major heart operation during his stay, and the surgeons were shocked when the first incision in his skin revealed a subcutaneous layer described as patterned bri-nylon. They were even more surprised by the anatomical irregularities described as two hearts, and some extra limbs kicking around in there but decided to submit their findings to the prestigious journal Nature, rather than query the judgement of their superiors as to the species of creature laying on the slab before them. The fraud only came to light when a visitor provided photographic evidence of Hercules the blind donkey smoking a joint whilst talking on a mobile phone in the far corner of Field 8.

Despite the fraud a government spokesman confirmed there were no plans to introduce new regulatory oversight, but suggested the sanctuary reduce the benefits it gives its charges. Whenever you have a system of donkey welfare it fosters a culture of donkey welfare dependency weve seen that again and again he said. Make them work for their keep haul coal trucks, give rides on the beach that should deter future freeloaders, be they man or beast.

A spokesman for Battersea Dogs Home was more sympathetic: I can understand with an animal that size how you might get caught out, but its never happened to us. Well, except for that time when a particularly smooth p...

10:21

This student has witnessed a terrible crime of someone faking emails from a Professor to cancel an exam "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Aleli Miranda, a student at University of Manitoba has shared some remarkable goings on at her college.

A student is sending fake emails from the tutor Dr. Andrew Woolford saying that the exam is cancelled.

Never underestimate what a university student would do to get out of an exam lmao writes @Tigerleli over on Twitter.

Heres the fake email

Heres the replies from the real professor pointing out the truth

And heres some of the relies from the students involved:

Interesting to note that this is Professor of Criminology theres crime here to investigate?

Source: Twitter/@tigerleli

The post This student has witnessed a terrible crime of someone faking emails from a Professor to cancel an exam appeared first on The Poke....

10:00

Chinese discover Al Jolson 70 years too late! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Thankfully the world of awful white artists blacking their faces, singing and acting like black Americans / Africans is long gone. But obviously somebody forgot to tell the Chinese that the Black and White Minstrels, Al Jolson, and other ghastly T...

09:10

Whats your real ale name? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Were Weavers Fruity Spaniel Fancier. Hooray!

Source: Facebook

The post Whats your real ale name? appeared first on The Poke.

06:37

Report: Putting Ciggie Over Your Ear On Way Out Of Pub Could Save You Seconds "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact After a landmark $40 million research study, CSIRO has found keeping a cigarette behind your ear could save the average smoker about ten seconds a day. Study co-author, Dr Rohan Ganju PhD (55) says this result is outstanding for Australian smokers who need to save as much time as []

The post Report: Putting Ciggie Over Your Ear On Way Out Of Pub Could Save You Seconds appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:24

Bloke Settling In For 4th Bender Of 2018 Says He Deserves A Blow-Out After This Week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Whinging for a binging, local car sales extraordinaire Byron Devlin (29), says hes cruising for another blowout this weekend, despite the fact it would be his fifth bender of the year. Just need it mate, gotta get away from it all. Devlin is hoping this next blowout will help []

The post Bloke Settling In For 4th Bender Of 2018 Says He Deserves A Blow-Out After This Week appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:35

Spice Girls Reunion Reignites Childhood Rivalries Over Who Gets To Be Sporty Spice "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Pop Culture & Property | CONTACT The news of a Spice Girls reunion sent waves through the millions of now adult fans scattered across the globe. And while the greater public hotly anticipated getting the girl group back together, for any true fan, it just reignited a fierce competition and rivalry that was thought to []

The post Spice Girls Reunion Reignites Childhood Rivalries Over Who Gets To Be Sporty Spice appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:57

Barnaby Joyce Saga Inspires George Christensen To Get Back On The Horse "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Deputy Prime Minister walked into George Christensens parliamentary office this morning with one thing on his mind. It wasnt anything to do with Malcolm Turnbull, it wasnt anything to do with his ongoing personal issues. Barnaby Joyce spoke candidly to the Member For Dawson about giving love another chance. As they exchanged pleasantries, []

The post Barnaby Joyce Saga Inspires George Christensen To Get Back On The Horse appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:47

Seething Barnaby Wonders If The Point Piper Toff Could Even Land A Fucking Glove On Him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A visible divide down the middle of the Coalition was on display the afternoon, as the Deputy Prime Minister began fantasising about having a dip with the top hat. During a reluctant meeting between the Nationals Leader and Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, the Deputy was seen to be drifting off while daydreaming about []

The post Seething Barnaby Wonders If The Point Piper Toff Could Even Land A Fucking Glove On Him appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:30

Date Swoons As Young Professional Refreshes His Crypto Wallet Right Before Her Eyes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact No, really, she said. Im listening this time. Explain the blockchain to me one more time. James Cartwright smiled and slide back in the booth and began to explain one more time, in laymans terms, just how incredible the concept of blockchain really is. The casual, nonchalant manner in which the 25-year-old commercial []

The post Date Swoons As Young Professional Refreshes His Crypto Wallet Right Before Her Eyes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:50

White Australian Panics And Overcomplicates Handshake With Cool Black Friend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Innocent bystanders were left in a state of shock today after witnessing a goofy migaloo mangling a pretty standard handshake with a black mate. It is believed that Gareth Evans (27) was out treating himself to an early lunch of some super spicy chicken pad thai when he run into an acquaintance of []

The post White Australian Panics And Overcomplicates Handshake With Cool Black Friend appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:03

Study: Running With A Back-To-Front Visor Can Increase Speeds By Up To 20% "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact According to a recent study conducted by Australias peak scientific body, running with a visor turned back-to-front on your head can actually make you run faster. Researchers from the CSIRO have observed speed and pace increases by up to 20%. Thats compared to folk running with either a baseball cap, Akubra or forward-facing visor, []

The post Study: Running With A Back-To-Front Visor Can Increase Speeds By Up To 20% appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Daniel Day-Lewis tries real job, realises acting wasnt so bad "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Former actor Daniel Day-Lewis has spent a week working in a Call Centre and has come to the conclusion that acting wasnt so bad after all.

I took the decision to retire because I found acting so draining, he said.  Id get so emotionally involved with the character I was playing, Id stay in character throughout the period of the shoot, even when I was at home.  People thought I was a twat.

But this Call Centres a different matter entirely.  I dont get my own trailer, no one brings me coffee or fusses over how great I was in that last scene.  Worst of all, were employed by two different banks, three different energy suppliers and Sports Direct.  I dont even know who Im supposed to be until the name flashes up on the screen.  It gives me no time to prepare.

Fortunately, industry insiders suspect Day-Lewiss supposed retirement is all just deep method preparation for what will surely be his greatest role yet, the lead in Krzysztof Kielowskis forthcoming tale of a disgruntled Call Centre worker who comes to realise the emptiness and meaninglessness of life in a cold, unfeeling universe.  Its set in Wolverhampton.

00:09

Trump Calls For Tighter Background Checks On Nations High Schools "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT President Donald Trump has today called for tighter background checks on American high schools, in an attempt to prevent any more school shootings from happening while students are around. Nikolas Cruz, 19, has appeared in court charged with premeditated murder, which is a position the prosecutor is confident in after investigations point []

The post Trump Calls For Tighter Background Checks On Nations High Schools appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

Thursday, 15 February

22:56

We Need to Ban the Public Education System That Makes These Shootings Possible "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

How many times does this need to happen in our country before we finally take action? What happened in Florida yesterday was a tragedy, but the real tragedy is how used to this weve become. All across our great nation, disturbed men are walking into schools and murdering our children with military styled weapons. Enough is enough. We need to stop sending our children to school.

We live in a world where unstable people have easy access to AR-15 semi-automatic weapons. Given that these are the constitutionally granted circumstances that we are honor bound to defend, having that many children in one building at the same time is reckless and irresponsible. The logistics simply do not pan out.

The laws requiring the government to provide public education are antiquated. If our founding fathers knew that military style weapons would one day be available to the public they never would have allowed school to exist in the first place.

Did you know that we are almost literally the only mammal that sends our young to school? Can you imagine what would happen if bears up and decided to congregate their young in one spot for 8 hours a day and leave them virtually unsupervised in a world where unstable wolves on a cocktail of psychiatric medications had access to AR-15 assault rifles? Thats right, bears would go extinct.

Related: Without a Gun He Would Have Just Used Something Else to Kill 50+ People 400 Yards Away From the 32nd Floor

 

What are children being taught at these schools anyway? Public schools have been commandeered by radical liberals who want to brainwash your children into thinking that our president is another Hitler and that their former president wasnt a muslim terrorist.

Not all children need an education anyway. These shootings are happening at public schools and public schools are for poors. You dont need to have read The Fountainhead or learned algebra to work in the service industry. My housekeeper doesnt even know how to read and I work very hard to keep it that way.

Forget safety, think of the money were wasting! Think of how many more bomber drones this country could afford if we stopped wasting money trying to educate every American citizen under the age of 18. Im sick and tired of the liberal notion that people should be entitled to something simply because they were born here. The fact is that spending money to educate someone who wont be able to afford healthcare is a bad investment.

If you cant afford to send your child to a reputable private schoo...

22:28

PM Assures Ministers They Can Still Screw The General Public "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Following his ban on Ministers having sexual relationships with staffers the Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has moved quickly to assure his Cabinet that they are still able to screw the general public.

I have full confidence in my Ministers to show discretion and good judgement when they chose to screw the public, said the Prime Minister. I mean I know for a fact that Treasurer Scotty Morrison is right now working on a taxation policy that will screw thousands of low income earners. Exciting times.

When asked whether he had discussed his new Ministerial code of conduct with the deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce, the PM replied: Oh youre serious, no I did not discuss this with Barnaby well he did ask me a few questions about the policy. He wanted to know if a hand job constituted a sexual relationship to which I told him Id take that on notice.

Now if youll excuse me Im off to meet with Minister Dutton he wants to talk about screwing refugees.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on...

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Archiver

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Resource generated at IndyWatch using aliasfeed and rawdog