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Thursday, 19 April


ARU To Replace Qantas With Westboro Baptist Church As Major Sponsor "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


Following the controversial remarks of Wallabies player Israel Folau, the ARU has announced that they will be replacing their naming rights sponsor Qantas with a brand that better reflects Folaus views, the Westboro Baptist Church.

Its a difficult situation we find ourselves in having to balance the beliefs of our player with the beliefs of our sponsors, said an ARU Spokesperson. But ultimately it is the players who make this game, not the suits so we decided to back our player and embrace his beliefs and the people at the Westboro Baptist Church jumped on board to help us move forward.

Asked whether the controversial Church with its extreme anti-gay stance could be a detriment for rugby union in Australia, the spokesperson replied: Have you seen our ratings and attendances lately? We cant do more damage to the brand than what weve done t...


Peace in Middle East after lab-grown pork ruled kosher "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Decades of warfare and conflict in Palestine has ended completely and suddenly after a rabbi ruled that pork product cultured in a laboratory could be considered kosher because the animals identity has been lost. Political observers are now hoping that an Islamic scholar can be persuaded to declare artificial pig meat halal, after which peace will break out everywhere in the Middle East.

As an Orthodox fundamentalist, I believe that Yahweh gifted the Land of Israel to the Jews for all time, said Baruch Levy, an Israeli settler on the Golan Heights. But on the other hand, mmmm, bacon sandwiches. And I can even put cheese sauce on chops, apparently. I feel such a klutz for getting so angry with the Palestinians all these years. West Bank, schmest Bank, let them have it, I say.

Shiite theologian Hussain Talalbani from the holy city of Karbala in Iraq said that he will study the Quran closely for any indications of whether products created in a test tube to resemble cloven-hoofed animals are deemed to have a cloven hoof as a result. In the interim, Shiites must continue to view Sunni Muslims as murderers of the twelfth Imam and lower than beetle droppings at the Dead Sea although on the other hand, parma ham.

Radicalised youth are reportedly in two minds. The Zionists, on whom be the curse of Allah, stole my grandfathers olive groves and my family has lived in poverty ever since, said Said Jaffar, an 18-year-old trainee suicide bomber living in a refugee camp in Gaza. I shall continue to throw stones at their tanks every day until I become a holy martyr with 72 doe-eyed virgins to shag on my own cloud every day, or I can eat a sausage bap, whichever happens first.

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Wednesday, 18 April


Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mercury is finally out of the dickhead zone for you, so enjoy the reprieve. Use the time to subject everyone to your pop-punk cover of Good Kid, M.A.A.D City, and go ahead and recite stand-up routines as original thoughts while youre at it most people have learned to just tune you out by now anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You may be feeling a little unusual lately, Taurus. The new moon earlier this week has you susceptible to anything off, so make sure to not eat whatever random shit you keep finding in the tour van for the next few days.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You may want to keep your thoughts to your fucking self this week for once, Gemini. You kept your mouth shut when your roommate tried to bring back bucket hats and JNCO jeans, so we know you can do it. Maybe now isnt the best time to stage an intervention about their crust punk phase its THEIR journey, not yours. So stop acting like a Capricorn, and just be cool.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Astrological readings can sometimes be vague and hard to interpret, but this week, the cosmos are singing loud and clear and they are definitely calling you a poser.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Despite having kept your cool lately, youll find it extra hard to control your temper this week, Leo so just make sure not to lash out at the wrong person. You dont want to get left behind in Rhode Island for a third time, do you?

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Just let it go, Virgo. Stop holding onto the past. Those Vans with the hole in the bottom? That you keep in the back of the closet? Waiting for the exact right amount to finally retire them? Theyve got to go. Throw them out, Virgo. Youre gross. Its time.

Libra (September 23- October 22)
Youve been quiet all year, and its time to put your wisdom into action, Libra. Youre too intelligent and articulate to NOT share your views online. Its been a while since youve talked to your estranged cousin from Missouri, anyway take the lead and start another gun control debate on his Facebook wall. Get the ball rolling. A dialogue will bring you closer together.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
A deep, water sign, you represent the mysterious, hard-shelled scorpion which is fitting, given the wicked case of scabies you havent told anyone about since Saturn went into Capricorn. Theres no sense in telling that touring band you said could crash on your couch at this point  this sort of thing usually takes care of itself anyway. Right?

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As an adventurous Sag, youll need more drugs this month than usual so take time this week to plan a trip to an outdoor fest, like Burning Man or Coachella both perfec...


Good work, everybody! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Must have been a lot of people born in the same year. It can be the only explanation.


The post Good work, everybody! appeared first on The Poke.


This sign irritated certain drivers so much they vandalised it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This sign went up in Sherlock Street in Birmingham city centre and it will strike a chord with lots of people in the city and beyond.

In fact, it irritated one person so much they did this.

This person wasnt happy with it either.


The post This sign irritated certain drivers so much they vandalised it appeared first on The Poke.


You wont see a better case of mistaken identity "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Why you should always look closely at pictures on Facebook before replying.

Theres no coming back from that.


The post You wont see a better case of mistaken identity appeared first on The Poke.


A pregnant woman posted this on Facebook and a friend got entirely the wrong end of the stick "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well, that was unfortunate.

A woman, who it turns out was pregnant, posted this on Facebook to encourage her friends to look out for wildlife.

And this is how one of her friends responded.


And tha...


Colleague Whos Used Up All Her Annual Leave Defiantly Books Splendour Tickets At Work "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite the fact that Jessie from accounts has actually used up every single minute of this years annual leave, she appears unbridled in her rush to book tickets to a four-day music festival in July this year. Jessie, who has already attended like seven festivals this year, has also been able to []

The post Colleague Whos Used Up All Her Annual Leave Defiantly Books Splendour Tickets At Work appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


The glorious moment this goalkeeper was given a taste of his own medicine "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After all the shenanigans the goalkeeper goes through, youll be hoping that the guy scores the penalty.

But its better than that. Much better.

Should count double.


The post The glorious moment this goalkeeper was given a taste of his own medicine appeared first on The Poke.


Woman calculates she should be post death after weekend booze binge "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Following the publication of a report showing that consuming one alcohol drink per day takes one day off your life expectancy, Tracey Andrews, 34, has calculated that her weekend binge drinking session in Skegness resulted in a negative life expectancy.

Andrews explained, Im on borrowed time. I should have died on Saturday night technically on the spot following that seventh Jager bomb at Bar Monique.

Leading health experts, who have been unable to reconcile these anomalies, have referred to the phenomenon as being post death. Kiran Patel, a senior government health adviser, remarked, Science is based on reason and rationale deduction. In this case, the only remaining explanation is that Tracey and her like are some sort of immortals or even gods.

Buoyed by the news of her deity status, Andrews has resigned from her job as a Credit Controller for a printing company and started a celebrity religious cult. Ive contacted my fellow immortals and urged them to join me in Sheffield. I plan to start a new faith group. We meet at The Kings Arms on the High Road every Tuesday curry night. You have to be a post-death drinker to join though, as were trying to keep it exclusive.




Barista Unaware Frequent Customer Has Three Albums Worth of Pop-Punk Songs About Her "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WALNUT CREEK, Calif. Busy Bean Caf barista Zeynab Polykarpos is reportedly unaware that pop-punk frontman and frequent customer Johnny Saunders has penned more than three full-length albums worth of material about her over the last several years, weirded out sources report.

It all started four years ago, when [Saunders] ran into the practice space with a giant notebook full of stuff about aprons and muffins and stuff, explained The Pizza Pieoneers drummer Melissa Runnymede. He had these songs called, When Our Fingers Touched, and Misspell My Name Again they were all about these shallow interactions with some girl he barely knew. I dont know. They were kind of creepy, but its pop-punk, so it was still a perfect fit.

The four-piece has thus far released three albums about Saunders encounters with the part-time barista. The most recent, Friendly Smiles Expose Yellow Teeth, has been self-described as an album for those whove met someone who left a permanent stain on their heart that no amount of uninsured dental cleaning can remove.

I mean [Im] not too crazy about the subject matter, but this is the closest thing to a successful band Ill probably ever be in, so Im just gonna roll with it, Runnymede added. Sometimes Im tempted to show this girl these songs, but I guess high school kids whove never experienced love cant get enough of this empty shit, so, whatever.


Busy Bean floor manager Aidan DiGiovanni was seemingly surprised by the adoring frontmans extensive material, claiming hes pretty sure she has no idea who the fuck that guy even is.

Wow. That boy is obsessed, a jittery DiGiovanni said. Now that I think about it, he doesnt come in unless he sees [Polykarpos] working. Sometimes hell sit and order six coffees, just giving her his name and order over and over again. I think I heard her call him the Half-Caf Creep once, but thats about it.

While Saunders allegedly has no plans to formally introduce himself to Polykarpos, he did confirm...


Spoiler Alert: Punk Was Dead This Whole Time "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Punks not dead, right? Spoiler alert, dipshit!

According to this fan theory, punk has been dead for decades. Not only that, but evidence suggests that since 1976 punk and its numerous revivals have died several embarrassing, stupid, found-in-a-dumpster-with-its-pants-around-its-ankles-style deaths. Dont believe me? Then be prepared to munch on some proofy pudding.

The Sex Pistols Break Up (1977)
The original bad boys of punk! Lead by singer Pistol Pete Rotten, bassist Sid Vicious, and likely two other guys, The Sex Pistols, aka the Boys in Blue, kicked off the UK punk scene with the release of their classic and in no way overrated album Never Mind, The Bollocks!

Unfortunately for The Only Band That Matters El Pistolas imploded soon after the albums release. Many historians cite this moment as the first death of the punk.

Rotten would go on to star in a commercial for butter, while Psycho Sid VIcious would dye his hair blonde, grow several inches taller, and become a World Wrestling Federation Superstar and two-time world champion!

Related: Is Punk Dead? How the Hell Should I Know? Im a Bernese Mountain Dog


CBGBs Permanently Closes (2006)
As everyone knows, the original CBGBs (pronounced Sbeegbs) is a punk as fuck bar and restaurant located in terminal F of Newark International Airport. F being the most punk rock of all terminals.

Legend has it Henry Rollinss agent once negotiated the terms of his clients History Channel contract while gnawing on Up the Punktato Skins at this very restaurant!

Unfortunately for the punk rockers of Newarks Frequent Flyer Platinum Class, CBGBs has been forever lost to the sands of time. RIP Rest in PUNK!!!

The Release of Avril Lavignes First Album (2002)
Canadian popstress Avril Mean Machine Lavigne co-opted skater punk style and melded it with run-of-the-mill, uninspired, mainstream pop.

The end result was, of course, groundbreaking. Critics hailed Avrils first album as awe-inspiring, and every RIOTGRRRL in the punk community immediately recognized Lavignes superiority. Allegedly, Patti Smith self-immolated upon seeing Lavigne ride a Power Wheels around a mall in the Complicated music video. And Siouxsie Sioux vowed to stop spelling her name like an idiot.

Finally, all remaining female punk bands responded to Avrils genius by immediately disbanding, committing Seppuku, or both.

Casey Jones Declares His Hatred for Punkers in Teenage Mutant Ninja...


15 very British responses to the sun coming out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Finally something to take our minds off the fact the world is going to hell in a handcart. The suns come out, everybody!

And here are 15 very British responses to the weather taking a turn for the better. For the moment, anyway.







Westworld comes to west London with a robot boozer called Fred "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Westworld came to west London in the form of an ultra-realistic humanoid robot called Fred and gave a glimpse of what the series would have looked like had it been set in a pub.

The good people of Now TV created a robot based on a real 55-year-old chap called Tedroy Newell to publicise the second series of the sci-fi show. The pair even got to meet each other.

Anyway, this is what he looked like

He nattered to regulars his movements captured on a whole bunch of cameras and ended up shattering a pint glass for that authentic closing time atmosphere. Spookily accurate

The post Westworld comes to west London with a robot boozer called Fred appeared first on The Poke.


Bastard shortage hits Home Office recruitment "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Home Secretary has said that a shortage of uncaring bastards has caused a shortage of staff at the Home Office. Amber Rudd explained that There are thousands of people who have lived blameless lives in the UK for decades who have yet to receive letters threatening to deport them. This simply because we dont have enough utter bastards. I have asked my colleague, the secretary of State for Work and Pensions, if she could loan me some of her staff but apparently, all of their complete bastards are fully occupied telling terminal ill or dead people to report for interviews or theyll have their benefits cut.


The letter we all wish our dad had written to school "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A chap called Seann Walsh shared this letter his dad wrote to his school after he got into trouble over his school uniform and his sweater was confiscated.

If thats tricky to read

Dear Mr Field

Sean tells me that you have confiscated his sweater. He tells me that in class he conforms to the school uniform. He was absent from school on Monday because he had a cold, so travelling on Wednesday without his sweater was not too clever.

He told me that the jacket he normally wears is acceptable, but it was stained, therefore he could not wear it. His mother was in Cyprus last week on a break and I, unfortunately, was not able to use the washing machine.

Sean was too embarrassed at having a father who cannot use a washing machine to say this.

Anyway my point is: Isnt this just a little bit petty? Lifes hard enough.


And we love it on so many levels.


This ITV News interview wins our vox pop of the day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ITVs Paul Brand was out and about at the Stop the War demo in Westminster and came across this woman.


The difference between Coachella and British music festivals in pictures "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone posted two pictures illustrating the difference between the Coachella Festival in the US and the UKs Reading Festival and a whole lot of other people joined in. Here are the best.





This is the team name youll want to use next time you do a pub quiz "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Stefan Heck was playing in a pub quiz and needed help with a team name.

The answers didnt disappoint









It was one year ago today "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

One year later we can all look back and laugh, right? Anyone?







What they said about the Daily Mails crush the saboteurs headline on the day it was published

The post It was one year ago today appeared first on The Poke.


Apex Gang Finally Get Bosses Of Five Families In The Same Room To Discuss Territories "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After months of scrutiny from the media and politicians, the highly organised Melbourne criminal network known simply as the Apex gang, has managed to get the heads of each chapter in the same room, to discuss the future of their organisation as a whole Leaders from different families of the Apex network, []

The post Apex Gang Finally Get Bosses Of Five Families In The Same Room To Discuss Territories appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


First Home Buyers Posing With Sold Sign Acting Like They Had No Help From Parents "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular young professional couple has recently taken to social media to show friends, family and casual onlookers that theyve recently entered the property market heralding a new chapter in their lives. Marcia Sock and Gavin Coolidge, both of Betoota Grove fame, are the new owners of a handsome four-bedroom home in []

The post First Home Buyers Posing With Sold Sign Acting Like They Had No Help From Parents appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Donald Trump confessed to being a foreign agent so we can all go home now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Donald Trump tweeting what else? his support for an American man on trial in Turkey charged with links to a failed 2016 military coup.

And it didnt take long for people to spot what hed said. Must feel good to get that off your chest, eh Donald?








Man saving bird goes viral because its sweet and very, very funny "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In time honoured fashion, you really do have to watch this to the end.

Perfect comic timing.


The post Man saving bird goes viral because its sweet and very, very funny appeared first on The Poke.


When you have to say it tastes better than it looks, its probably game over "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fancy something to eat? Actually, I think Im okay, thanks.

If you have to write Tastes better than it looks! then it probably wasnt a good idea in the first place.

Heres what people made of it online.







Nation Still Shocked A Devout Christian Footballer From Logan Isnt As PC As Tom Tilley "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A highly religious professional tri-code footballer who publicly stated his opposition to gay marriage before, during and after the postal vote plebiscite has shocked people this week with further comments that indicated his religious-charged views towards homosexuality. This comes as Wallabies star Israel Folau has said he is prepared to walk away from []

The post Nation Still Shocked A Devout Christian Footballer From Logan Isnt As PC As Tom Tilley appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


No Case To Answer: Legal Experts Prove Bachelor Contestants Actually Are Vapid C*nts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A retired local magistrate has weighed into the vapid-cunt-gate sweeping controversy thats making waves in the Australian media sphere telling The Advocate that the journalist responsible for it and the news media organisation who published it have no case. They have no case because the remarks were not defamatory because they were []

The post No Case To Answer: Legal Experts Prove Bachelor Contestants Actually Are Vapid C*nts appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Stefanovic Forced To Ride Mechanical Bull At Johnny Ringos To Impress New QLD In-Laws "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Karl Stefanovic has confirmed that he had to lay it on this week to earn a few points with his new fiances extended family at a low-key Tuesday evening session in Brisbanes CBD. The co-host of Channel 9s Today Show, who recently become engaged to Brisbane model and fashion designer Jasmine Yarbrough, []

The post Stefanovic Forced To Ride Mechanical Bull At Johnny Ringos To Impress New QLD In-Laws appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Latham Sacked As Cooking Columnist Following Confusion Over Crushed Nuts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Cooking columnist Mark Latham has today been let go by The (un)Australian following some confusion over the term crushed nuts and an unfortunate incident involving an intern.

Its a bloody stitch up, the recipe said crush nuts so naturally I saw the intern and thought hell do and whacked him in the plums, said Mr Latham. Next thing you know theyre dragging me out of the kitchen and trying to throw me in a taxi.

Jokes on them though as no taxi in Australia will have me as a customer.

The (un)Australian said in a statement: We regret that our relationship with Mark Latham has concluded. We knew going in that hiring him was a risk, however we also believe that everyone deserves a second or in his case 25th chance.

We wish Mr Latham well in his future endeavours.

No word yet on who will be replacing Mark Latham in his cooking column. Sportsbet is running a poll with odds on fa...


Parramatta Getting Very Close To Lets Just Start Using Steroids Territory "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Parramatta Eels are reportedly considering just doing illegal performance enhancing drugs and waiting to see how long it takes them to get caught, after the club slumped to a eighth straight loss, and sixth of the 2018 season.The Eels remain at the very bottom of the NRL ladder after their atrocious []

The post Parramatta Getting Very Close To Lets Just Start Using Steroids Territory appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Charleston Nurse Decides to Become Aspiring Author "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Kendra Burke, a full-time nurse in Charleston, South Carolina, recently decided to become an aspiring author - which, she explained, has more to do with personal potential and possibility than with external accomplishment or even action. "I'm not...


Deconstructed Coffee A Surprise Hit In Local Primary School Staffroom "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When the deconstructed coffee trend first started to appear in the French Quarter cafe scene, needless to say, a lot of locals were left unimpressed. By the notion of paying for a service, only for that service to fall back to the consumer. It was garnered a lot of []

The post Deconstructed Coffee A Surprise Hit In Local Primary School Staffroom appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Inner-City Left-Wing Journo Begins Drafting Career-Making Anti-ANZAC Day Tweet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The last 16 listicles written by Antony Pierre Levitt (24) have fallen flat. Hes pulled in nowhere near the number of clicks his editor thought he would, and nowhere near the amount of clicks he is required to pull in by quota to justify his columnist role with a prominent online []

The post Inner-City Left-Wing Journo Begins Drafting Career-Making Anti-ANZAC Day Tweet appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Gotham Hospital Begs Batman to Consider Killing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

GOTHAM CITY, N.J. Administrators of Gotham General Hospital have issued a statement to the citys famed vigilante crusader, imploring him to reconsider his stance on executing criminals.  

Look, every ER in the country struggles to keep up, thats the nature of health care, said Brenda Nash, head nurse at the hospitals emergency room.  But these nights when Batmans out there, were dealing with dozens of arm and leg fractures on top of what wed normally get. Its really overwhelming. Maybe he should think about killing some of these guys, thats all were saying.

The caped crusader, a polarizing figure in the community even with the support of police commissioner Jim Gordon, has long maintained a policy of not killing the criminals and thugs he spends his nights thwarting.  

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

I get it, moral high ground and all that, said Nash.  But its not really that easy. If anyone sees Batman, will they tell him a lot of these guys arent pulling through? Hes really just giving us a lot of extra work.

Hospital employees arent the only ones that feel Batman should re-evaluate his policy.  A former victim spoke to reporters on the condition of anonymity.

I was a mixed up kid, running with the wrong crowd, he said through a speech generating program on his computer.  One night the Clock King offered me thirty-five bucks to stand guard while he robbed a jewelry store. I needed the money, and didnt think I was hurting anyone.  Then Batman showed up and knocked out all my teeth and pretty much broke my whole left side.

The man is now confined to a wheelc...


Middle class white student with dreadlocks held in detention centre "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Parents of Tarquin Farquar-Smythe of Farnham have petitioned the Home Office after their son was arrested and detained at a detention centre for illegal immigrants. The 18 year old, dreadlocked, social studies undergraduate was arrested by police on suspicion of being an illegal Jafaican immigrant, after one officer heard him saying arks instead of ask to a friend in a local off licence.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police says that officers carried out a stop and search of the individual and on questioning the suspect, found that he was in possession of several dropped Hs, some discourse-pragmatic markers, namely innits, and a variety of post-dental sibilant consonants.

Jeremy and Cressida Farquar-Smythe claim that it must be a case of mistaken identity as their son is incredibly pale with terribly acne and ginger hair. Tarquin is clearly a white, British male. The nearest he has ever been to the Caribbean is our second villa in Bermuda, said stockbroker, Jeremy.

The arresting officers said that the suspect became very agitated and aggressive, saying that the officers were totally soggy and dis-wavey, adding you is bare frass tings, innit. It was at this point that the confused police officers deployed their batons and CS spray.

A Home Office spokesman told our reporter that the family had produced the correct paperwork to have their son released and that the administration process was taking some time. He added, Off the record, we know hes a white British citizen but were keeping him in custody to teach him a lesson. Well let him go when he stops being a cultural appropriating, snivelling little mummys boy.


Column: Mark Lathams Guide To Being A Cook "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When those lefty freaks at The (un)Australian tweeted me to ask if I would write for them you could have knocked me over with a feather as I swore Id blocked them. But then I got to thinking, you know Mark the more people you reach the more people you can abuse. So I took a break from angrily tweeting random females on Twitter and pulled together a recipe for all you lefties to cook and hopefully choke on.

As a man you must be able to cook. Whether its for yourself or to pull a root. The days of ordering take away are over. Especially for me as Im banned from using Uber eats after I challenged the driver to a fist fight.

One of my favourite dishes to cook and its somewhat of a specialty of mine is meat pie ala Latho. Now dont panic this is not a complicated dish. First thing you need to do is pull the pie out of the freezer. Preferably grab a chunky beef variety, one that will really get up a vego leftys nose.

After getting it out of the freezer you then take the pie out of the plastic. This is a difficult step. Especially if like me you are not allowed to be around sharp objects. Personally I use my teeth.



Australians Slowly Return To Regular Lives As Trinity Grammar Disaster Finally Resolved "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

trinity grammar

Australians can at last move on and begin the healing process after the resolution of a two-week-long hair-cutting incident at a Melbourne school.

The two torrid weeks took their toll on ordinary Australians, with many still coming to terms with the fact a higher school teacher lost his job and was then reinstated.

The event consumed the nation, with 11,000 separate media stories written about the saga. We can now get back to reading about more frivolous things like the war in Syria, one relieved Australian said. It was touch and go there for a while.

He said the country would grow from the experience. From adversity comes strength. Or, as a private school motto might say, Tenacitas per aspera.

The 400 journalists covering the story are now without work.

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Tuesday, 17 April


Slime Ball Comey Compares Trump's Hands To Anthony's Weiner "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: With his baby-blues peering into the camera like two piss holes in a snow bank, and him furtively squeezing off popcorn farts that had George Staphylococcus' eyes watering, James Comey attempted to answer the questions posed by th...


You wont believe what Barack Obama says in this video "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This video of the former president was posted online by Buzzfeed. Key thing here is to watch the whole thing. Or, at least until halfway

Except some people



Dissatisfied Coffee Shop Customer Decides to Take His Business Elsewhere "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Dissatisfied with the wait-time for a cup of coffee to go at his (formerly) regular neighborhood coffee shop, Bean Stop, New York City resident Dan Foley recently decided to take his business to elsewhere. There were three people in line ahead of...


White House Needs Bigger Bus To Throw People Under "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tweet TowerThe Trump Administration feels the current White House bus is no longer adequate to keep up with the current demand. In a speech from the Rose Garden today, President Trump said, You folks hired the Youre Fired guy, so this shouldnt be a surprise to anyone. I just reversed something Nikki Haley said at the


Best thing weve read in the Mail for a long time after reporters private thoughts go public "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Youd need a heart of stone wouldnt you? not to feel some degree of sympathy for the Daily Mail reporter whose musings on a Google document accidentally ended up in Mail Online.

The reporter was said to be mortified after her comments about reality TV contestantson an Aussie TV show, Bachelor in Paradise, went public and stayed there for several hours before they were deleted.

Florence [Alexandra] initially rose to fame on Matty Js season of The Bachelor, before unsuccessfully trying her luck at love again in Paradise.

But most people who were educated at a high-school level know these vapid cunts only go on the shows to find mediocre Instagram fame and make a living promoting teeth whiteners and unnecessary cosmetic procedures.


Morrisseys done another interview and here are the only 7 things you need to know "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Morrisseys done another interview and these people have read it so you dont have to.

Thank goodness for that.







Wetherspoon bans reading "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Following their decision to withdraw from social media, the pub chain has signalled its intention to roll back on the industrial age, medieval agrarian reform and washing in winter. A spokesman for Tim Martin insisted that the internet was the work of the evil goblins and that Spotify was the devil spunking in your ear.

The spokesman said: Aye, nothing good ever came of writing. Folks round here dont take too kindly to letters and basic hygiene. If the God lord had wanted us to use Facebook he would have scooped out our brains and replaced them with a turnip. He went on to demand that all printing presses were destroyed and anyone on Instagram was burnt as a witch.

The Wetherspoons menu will now be solely pictorial, with the helpful image of deep-fried nematode worm and a side order of chunky fries. Any patron caught wearing a t-shirt with a slogan will be asked to don a smock of sackcloth and ashes, from Jacamo.

Management were keen to emphasize that this was not a rejection modern communication but a vote in favour of the carrier pigeon. Despite the adjustment, Wetherspoon intends to keep Friday nights simple; with drunken harlots rolling in mud, being beaten by a baying mob, armed with an inflated pigs bladder on a stick so no change there then.


Recently Divorced Man Flicks Metaphorical Cigarette into Gasoline by Buying Magic the Gathering Starter Pack "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NANTICOKE, Pa. After going through an arduous divorce, horrified witnesses reported that local resident Andrew Stone said fuck it under his breath to himself before furthering his dive into despair, flicking a metaphorical cigarette into a life doused in gasoline, walking away as it explodes behind him, by getting into Magic The Gathering.

He strode over to the register, tossed his wallet to the cashier and said You best get your loved ones out of here because a man with nothing left to lose and a Magic The Gathering deck is a dangerous thing, said Alexis Stewart, a clerk at a local game store. The sheer terror of his tone almost caused me to shit my pants.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

According to those close to the scene, friends and family of Stone, after hearing about the incident, were brought to tears.

Well there goes any chance of him getting custody of the kids, his mother Teresa Stone sobbed. I just dont understand how he could give up on life when he has his friends, his family his job. He could have asked for help, but instead he decided to piss his life away on the heroin of competitive card games.

At least heroin users have the decency to eventually overdose, we are going to have to watch him self-destruct on this horseshit for decades or at least until he discovers Hearthstone, she explained to police.

At press time, Stone reportedly doubled down on his spiral into nothingness with the online purchase of various Warhammer 40,000 figurines.



Daily Mail today vs Daily Mail every other day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Todays Daily Mail front page caught a few people by surprise because, well, it appeared to be saying the right thing for a change.

But just in case you need reminding

Ah yes, thats more like it.

In conclusion


The post Daily Mail today vs Daily Mail every other day appeared first on The Poke.


Sigur Rs Karaoke Massive Flop at Office Party "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. Measureworks IT technician Jeff Simmins left dozens of bar patrons perplexed last night after singing Svefn-g-englar by Icelandic avant-rock band Sigur Rs at a company karaoke party, multiple eyewitnesses confirmed.

I just killed on Paradise City before the new guy got up there, said Measureworks salesman Chris Wu. This weird, fancy, atmospheric music played for like, 10 minutes, and then there were all these weird sounds that I guess were background vocals or something.

It sounded like whales arguing, added Measureworks Human Resources rep Reshma Saraman.

Simmins, a karaoke novice and casual Sigur Rs fan, acknowledged that while he has no idea what the Icelandic band is singing about, he does like their album ().

On the lyric screen, there were no words it was nothing but wavy lines and the words elf-like moan in parenthesis. I knew right then and there that Id really fucked up in front of everybody, Simmins said. My voice blew out during the high-pitched wailing part seven minutes in.


The Orange Lamp, the host venue for the party boasting the biggest karaoke book on Staten Island, reportedly offers a wide selection of thousands of songs, some more crowd-pleasing than others.

Jeff wasnt the even worst one last night, Saraman confirmed. After he disappeared, some drunk guy got up and did that Enya song the one thats all like, Sail away, sail away Is that what its called? You know what I mean.

When asked if hell ever do karaoke again, a hesitant Simmins claimed that if and when he ever does, he surely wont make the same mistake twice.

I might try again, but not Sigur Rs, he said. Id go with something simple like the Cocteau Twins. I think Ive learned my lesson.


The post Sigur Rs Karaoke Massive Flop at Office Party
appeared first on...


Behind the scenes story of this University Challenge cock-up is more exciting than the real thing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It was the University Challenge semi-final last night between Newcastle University and Merton College, Oxford.

Halfway through there was a perfectly innocent looking music round in which Newcastle bagged all three bonuses.

Except the reality was rather more dramatic, as documented by this audience member on Twitter. This could be the most exciting thing weve never seen on University Challenge.






Hotel California to review check-out policy in light of Tripadvisor ratings "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heartbreak Hotel just down the road 'a better bet'A popular Californian hotel has admitted that serious administrative oversights may have contributed to an onslaught of damning feedback on travel website,

We are heartened to see such positive comments about our flexible check-out timings, with many remarking that the Hotel California is ideal for solo or business travel, said Head of PR, Eddie Frey. But taking into account the volume of issues that have been raised about slow room service, the quality of the continental breakfast and involuntary infinite captivity, weve decided to make some changes if were to stay competitive with the local Ramada Inn.

The advent of social media has given a voice to disgruntled guests, many of whom have been enforced residents in the hotel lobby for several decades. Its one thing to physically prevent us from leaving, reads one two-star review, but they could at least offer us a few comps from the bar. I asked the barman for a Campari a few years back. He told me they hadnt had that spirit there since 1969. And there were no sodding nuts.

Whilst unconfirmed reports suggested that some guests were complaining merely to qualify for their first Tripadvisor reviewer badge, local law enforcement declined to comment on whether they would be investigating what some claim is a mass hostage situation in matching bathrobes.

But several guests expressed their satisfaction with their eternal imprisonment, citing the cleanliness of the bathroom and receptionists cleavage as aspects they would recommend to a friend although a handful of reviewers were concerned that this doesnt count as a spare room, right?


This womans guide to watching movies went viral because its how we all spend our evenings now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This guide to watching movies went viral because it chimed with so many people and reminded them that, really, the on-demand era isnt all its cracked up to be.

The radio and TV presenters 5-point guide clearly struck a chord. And not just with us, it turned out.



Turns out there was more to that Morrisons story than meets the pie "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

No doubt youll have seen the story about the couple who were furious that Morrisons wouldnt serve them a pie before 9am.

Jolly good tale it was too.








People are sharing stories of how big a loser they were in school and it will take you right back "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It started when Buzzfeed journalist David Mack decided to share how big a loser he was in school.

And he decided to find out if other people had similar stories to tell.

And just in case they needed any more encouragement, he decided to share some more.


Private Eye has the last word on those Syria airstrikes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres what Donald Trump had to say after the US, UK and France bombed Syria at the weekend.

And heres the cover of the new issue of Private Eye, out now.

Nailed it.


The post Private Eye has the last word on those Syria airstrikes appeared first on The Poke.


Boris Johnson found guilty of not being Boris Johnson "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who has been passing himself off as a bumbling politician for the past twenty years is today starting a three year prison sentence after having been convicted of multiple instances of deception.

Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, never went to Oxford or Eton it has been revealed. Hes not even Boris Johnson but is in fact a brickies labourer called Reg Clark, who says he honed his Boris Johnson character while playing the buffoon in an Edwardian farce for his local amateur dramatics society. He further perfected the portly persona with a daily diet of six Big Macs and milkshakes, and putting his suit on in the dark every morning.

Mr Clark was almost rumbled a few years ago while posing as Mayor of London, but was saved by a character reference from Jeffrey Archer. He claims to have put his past behind him, although he does hope to be out before they pick a new Archbishop of Canterbury.


This thread starts sad but all will be forgiven by its glorious conclusion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It began when a chap had the unfortunate task of alerting people about a dead pet.





And the phrase like that but cat took on a whole new life of its own. Unlike the cat, sadly.


NT Hoping Southern Lefties Too Caught Up On Splendour To Notice Them Fracking Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Fracking is set to resume in the Northern Territory, following the Governments decision to lift a moratorium but enforce strict new laws and regulations on the industry while all of these soap dodging lefties down South try to decide if they are happy enough with the 2018 Splendour line up. Chief Minister []

The post NT Hoping Southern Lefties Too Caught Up On Splendour To Notice Them Fracking Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


A Tory MEP said this about the Windrush scandal and these are the only 8 responses you need "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres what Conservative MEP Daniel Hannan had to say about the whole Windrush affair, the scandal which even the Daily Mail thought was outrageous.

And here are the only 8 replies you need.






You can probably see where this is going "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The old ones are still the best. Well, sometimes.


The post You can probably see where this is going appeared first on The Poke.


Undercover author finds Chronicle newsroom workers peed in bottles under harsh deadlines and threats of violence "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Comedy writers work long hours without bathroom breaks at

Rushed Chronicle staff reportedly pee into bottles as theyre afraid of time-wasting because the toilets are far away and they fear getting into trouble for taking long breaks.

  • An undercover author told Vice that workers at a truth fulfillment center peed in bottles because they were scared the long trip to the outhouse would cause them to miss targets.
  • The author, James Galloway, found that staff members feared being disciplined for missing deadlines.
  • A separate survey of Internet Chronicle writers released Monday found that some workers who reported feeling sick from prolonged polonium exposure said they were penalized for taking breaks to throw up outdoors.
  • Internet Chronicle said it didnt recognize the allegations as an accurate portrayal of its forced labor sweat house working conditions.

Chronicle founder R.T. Sakers may be the worlds most dangerous thrillionaire, with a net worth of about 150 billion bitcoins, but at least some of those working in his newsrooms are apparently so desperate to keep their jobs that they dont even take time to use an outhouse, located a convenient 450 yards away, down a beaten path into the holler.

The author James Galloway went undercover at an Internet Chronicle sweat house in Cuthbert, Ga., for a book on stagnant wages in Lebal Drocer subsidiaries. He found that the sweat houses main reporters, who toil over unlabeled mechanical keyboards typing truth for the idiot masses, had a toilet bottle system in place because the bathrooms were too sparse to get to quickly.



Greens Announce Two New Policies Legalising Marijuana And I Cant Remember The Other One "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

richard di natale cannabis

Greens leader Richard Di Natale says his party will push to legalise cannabis and implement another policy that he cant remember the details of right now.

Di Natale said the change in law was long overdue and that he would like two large pizzas and a garlic bread please. The reason why this law is so important is hang on, make that three pizzas.

He said there wasnt any time to waste. Well look to change the law regarding cannabis usage straight away. Or tomorrow. Definitely by next month.

Actually, I cant arsed. All that work drafting a bill, and then negotiating everything, and then selling it to the public. F**k that


The Saga of Mark Zuckerberg and the Booster Cushion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

During his Congressional testimony, Zuckerberg was perched on a booster cushion to, well, give him a boost. In the long hours of testimony he became very attached to the booster cushion, so much so that when his testimony was over, he refused to s...


Deadshit Little Cousin Given Bottom-Rung Job Of Showing Wedding Guests Where To Park "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local shithead, Riley Paterson (15) has been given the most out-of-the-way job possible at his cousin Megs wedding this afternoon. After making quite a scene about refusing to wear dress trousers, and somehow knocking over a table of rented glassware Riley has been sent down to the oval next to the church, []

The post Deadshit Little Cousin Given Bottom-Rung Job Of Showing Wedding Guests Where To Park appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Our favourite 5 responses to todays Daily Mail front page "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres todays Daily Mail front page addressing the governments outrageous treatment of the Windrush generation of British residents, and our favourite 5 responses.








Womans apocalyptic visit to a public loo goes viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weve all been out and about when weve suddenly needed to use the loo, right?

And its not always been straightforward finding one. Fortunately for all of us, its never been quite as hellish as this. At least, we hope not.

Heres how a woman called Nicole told her story on Facebook. In 10 movements.








Bunnings Employee Powers Through 5th Nah Mate, Im Fine And Gives Unwanted Opinion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Looks like youre building a bathroom? asked Banjo Clemente. Miles Hanlon, a grown adult, looked up to see the fresh-faced Bunnings storeperson looking back at him. Yeah, mate, he said. Banjo smiled and began the first assault on Mr Hanlons personal space. Well, have you considered what youre going to be doing to []

The post Bunnings Employee Powers Through 5th Nah Mate, Im Fine And Gives Unwanted Opinion appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


The American Judge From The Voice Appears On Stage With Beyonce Knowles At Coachella "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The American pop singer known as Beyonc has made history as the first black woman to headline Coachella in a performance that included a surprise appearance from her husband, sister and other close friends. Namely, one of the judges from The Voice Australia, who has been apparently been friends with Beyonc Knowles for []

The post The American Judge From The Voice Appears On Stage With Beyonce Knowles At Coachella appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Abbott Calls On Santa ScoMo To Give Everyone Coal This Christmas Budget "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Former (despite what Peta Credlin says) Prime Minister Tony Abbott has called on the Treasurer Scott Morrison to deliver coal to every Australian this year as part of his Christmas themed budget.

In the past coal has been traditionally associated with naughty boys and girls but I think we can all agree that times are a changing and coal is a good thing, said Mr Abbott. I mean without coal you would have no Coalitition.

When reached for comment the Treasurer didnt rule out Mr Abbotts calls saying: I wont say a bad word about coal in fact Im quite fond of coal myself. But I do take issue with being called Santa, I dont like it and I hate Christmas. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

What an awful time of year. We should be celebrating the real season of giving. Tax time. What a wonderful time of year that is, when the Government takes from the poor and gives to the rich.

Who cares about Santa and his elves what about the Australian Tax Office and their debt collectors?

Mark Williamson

You can check out our new show ...


Senator Di Natale Getting Everything Ready For 20th Of April "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Youth Culture | CONTACT Leader of The Greens Richard Di Natale did not appear his confident, charming self as he spoke to reporters today, appearing to fidget and twiddle his thumbs. Ive just been trying to make sure we can clear our schedule in a couple days. Ive been making sure theres nothing I need []

The post Senator Di Natale Getting Everything Ready For 20th Of April appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


NRL Says Controversial Opinions Dont Matter If You Can Score Tries And Keep Out Of Jail "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Prefacing his statement, NRL CEO Todd Greenberg started by outlining that the highest point-scorer in the games history has never had a beer to celebrate that. He said that it was a sport often plagued by scandal, criminal activity and many things worse. But above all, the game of rugby []

The post NRL Says Controversial Opinions Dont Matter If You Can Score Tries And Keep Out Of Jail appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Former Labour Leader wins Right to be Forgotten case "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A former Labour Party leader has won a High Court injunction for the right to be forgotten against internet giant, Google. The man, who cannot been named due to reporting restrictions, wanted search results about him eating a bacon sandwich completely removed from the search engine.

The judge ruled in the mans favour today commenting, Nobody should have to see that clip ever again. A separate claim made by another former Labour leader who had committed a more serious crime, namely invading Iraq was rejected by the court.

The former leader, who won his case, was humiliated eight years ago of conspiring to to look like a man of the people but ending up look a total arse. He was sentenced to a lifetime of humiliation on YouTube and Channel 4s I remember the 2000s programme.  The other leader who lost his case, was never convicted of war crimes but has spent over a decade being ridiculed by impressionists Jon Culshaw and Rory Bremner. Both men had asked Google to remove search results about their previous actions, stating that they were no longer relevant.

A spokesman for Google said: We agree that these men are no longer relevant adding, but did you see that guy eating the bacon sandwich? before bursting into a fit of giggles. A spokesman for Ask Jeeves said, Who the hell is Ed Miliband?


Peta Credlin Diagnosed As Suffering Delusions Of Relevance "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sky News host Peta Credlin has been diagnosed as suffering from delusions of relevance following her appearance on The Bolt Report where she claimed to have spoken to the Minister for the Environment and Energy Josh Frydenburg over his criticisms of former Prime Minister Tony Abbott. Credlin assured The Bolt Report viewer that these attacks would not happen again, a claim denied by Minister Frydenburg.

We see that often when someone goes from being a person in a powerful position to being forced out due to incompetence that they revert to a sense of denial, said Psychologist Ian Shrink. In the case of Peta Credlin she is dealing with her grief over her loss of power with a sense of exaggeration and a false bravado.

I mean thinking that in her role as a Sky News host that she speaks for people or let alone anyone actually watches is a cause for concern.

When reached for comment over the diagnosis Peta Credlin said: You dont know me and neither does this psychologist. I am not delusional my show has 10s of viewers and I led the greatest Government ever, the Abbott Government.

Ask anyone how great Tony was as Prime Minister, go on ask Eric Abetz or Kevin Andrews theyll tell you.

Mark Williamson


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Monday, 16 April


"Woody Woodpecker" Goes Straight to DVD, Shockingly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Recently, film buffs were taken with surprise to see DVD ads for the 2017 film Woody Woodpecker. It is quite clear from the preview that we are dealing with a cinematic masterpiece. The film delivers a powerful environmental message as the titular bi...


Man Makes Excellent Point on Neighborhood ListServ "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

During a not-so-neighborly discussion on their neighborhood listserv, Ken Campbell of Red River, Tennessee, made an excellent point in response to people's complaints about certain residents' hyper-political listserv posts. Why do you read them i...


Stop Kink Shaming Me and Start Regular Shaming Me Because Thats My Kink "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With poser-ass S&M bullshit like 50 Shades of Grey and the word cuck infiltrating the mainstream culture like never before you would think that kink shaming would be a thing of the past. I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.

Everywhere I go I am shamed for my lifestyle. Whether Im wearing my slave collar at a Papa Johns, a mesh body stocking at the library, or simply enjoying a coffee in my Yes Daddy t- shirt, I am the subject of scoff and ridicule by vanilla heteronormative onlookers, and frankly, Im sick of it. Listen up closed-minded people: Its 2018. Stop shaming me for my kinky lifestyle and start shaming me just sort of in general, because thats the kind of freaky ass shit Im into!

Dont you dare try to tell me I shouldnt be out in public because of the provocative things I wear. Tell me I shouldnt be out in public because Im worthless! Oh yeah, tell, me Im nothing, spit on me, come on daddy do it! Tell me what a pathetic worm I am!

Related: 10 Sex Robots Everyone Keeps Telling Me Are Just Regular Robots


Would you believe that I have been kicked out of bars in my own town under threat of violence simply because of the lifestyle I represent? Its wrong! These men should not want to beat me simply because my lifestyle is different then theirs. They should want to beat me because I would be a fully willing and eager recipient of said beating! Throw me to the ground and take turns kicking me, anything goes! And they should throw lit cigarette butts at me too. But only because Im worthless!

Its very simple. Do not insult and attack me because I represent something that goes against your personal value system. Insult and attack me because you are a superior masculin bull and you want to show my wife what a real man can do.

Look, what I choose to do behind closed doors is my business. And what I choose to do on a city bus is your business. And if you dont like it, dont be shy. Really let me have it! I have been very, very bad and i deserve to be punished.

Our kink is watching you put ON our t-shirts:


Man orders 'black' coffee and is arrested for being a racist "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hoping for a quick caffeine boost before heading off to work, a US/Italian man in Philadelphia, ordered a 'black' coffee at a well known, downtown coffee bar and was promptly arrested! Actually, it was not him whom the cops came to arrest. Unfortu...

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Sunday, 15 April


Stormy says three-legged donkey involved "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Stormy Daniels has revealed Donald Trump brought a donkey to her Las Vegas hotel room 10 years ago for a fun threesome. "Man that was one ugly ass, and the critter didn't look too good neither 'coz he was missing one leg ya'll". Daniels continued, "Y...

Thursday, 29 March


Happy Couple Embarrassed to Admit They Met Offline "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sickeningly-sweet New York City couple, Jason Morley and Carolyn Shea, recently and reluctantly revealed to their friends that they met offline, rather than through an online dating site. We actually met waiting in line at a coffee shop, sa...

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