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Tuesday, 11 December

22:22

20 Year Old Copies Of National Geographic Supplied For Patients Waiting To Opt Out Of My Health "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

magazine

Millions of Australians still waiting to opt out of the My Health scheme have been supplied with digital copies of 20 year old National Geographics and Gourmet Traveller Magazines to keep them occupied.

I got online about forty minutes ago and Im pretty sure that some guy who got online twenty minutes after me managed to opt out first, but never mind because Ive become engrossed with this issue of Time magazine from 1993, said citizen Mike Schubert. I hope that President Clinton can do something about the situation in Bosnia or that could turn ugly.

Damn it, someones ripped out the entire article about new layout of St Andrews from this germ filled 2003 issue of Golf Digest, said disappointed queuer Rita Busby. At least the kids are happy playing with that wooden and plastic toy where you move the beads along a loopy wire.

Choices include a five year old copy of the Good Weekend magazine from the Saturday Herald with all the crosswords done, a pamphlet in seven different community languages about macular degeneration, and Wheels Magazines special luxury car issue from 1998.

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22:01

Trumps Annulment And The Aiding And Abetting Of A Known Felon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Im going to cut my friend Pokey some slack. Hes just being used by our rightwing friends and lucky for him the inability to process information is not a crime. Devin Nunes and my friend Sean, on the other Hannity, are actively aiding and abetting a known felon. Ive touched on this before, because I like to

16:51

9 out of 10 Teens Drinking on Football Field Report This Is the Greatest Night of Their Lives "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A study out of Park High School in central Indiana shows that 9 out of 10 teens splitting a case of Coors stolen from Gregs old man on the 50 yard-line of the of their soon to be almamaters football field claim that this is the greatest night of their life.

The study is a sample of ten suburban graduating seniors all heading off to college in the fall. All of whom are certain that they dont know what the future has in store and that everything is changing.

The lone 10% holdout of the study, one Justin Raymond, reports that while drinking on the hood of a 1972 Ford Bronco is one of the greatest nights of his life, he believes he is meant for bigger and better things and will get out of this town one day.

While many analysts in the field believed that prom or even Tommy Boom Boom Brennans house party would have been identified as the greatest night of their life, researchers were stunned to discover that tossing a football around under the stars with a group of friends that may never be together again after tonight won out.

Additionally, the study participants came to a consensus that the song Last Shot by country singer Kip Moore is their official anthem and, no matter where they are, if they hear that song they will do a shot in memory of that night.

In a similar longitudinal study with the graduating class of 1998, the now almost 40-year-olds report that not only was that still the greatest night of their life but that they wished they could have frozen time and let that night last forever.

The study went onto explain that the average wait time for one group of friends to finish reminiscing on the football field before another can take its place is approximately 1.3 hours. Researchers suggest using the town reservoir as a suitable substitute.

The post 9 out of 10 Teens Drinking on Football Field Report This Is the Greatest Night of Their Lives appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:36

Stephen Mangan started a debate about what you call the end of a loaf and now he probably wishes he hadnt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Actor Stephen Mangan was moved to share on Twitter what he calls the end bits of a loaf of bread.

It all started when comedian Romesh Ranganathan said this.

And Mangan joined in with this.

It was at this point that it really began to kick off.

16:05

Weakest Squad Member Also Most Successful in Real Life "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

AKRON, Ohio Local gamer Tim Gilbert is facing criticism from his friend group for focusing on his career and personal life rather than honing his skills as an Operator in Tom Clancys Rainbow Six Siege, a move sources say could threaten Gilberts standing within the group.

Tims a great guy and all, but hes been pulling this kind of stuff ever since high school, said Jacob Hicks, a longtime friend of Gilbert and current employee at a local Burger King.  While we were all doing WoW raids, he was busy with his AP Calculus test and part-time job. Its like, dude, the Horde needs you right now!

The three other friends, including Hicks, Wade Turner, and a third gentleman who goes by Sticky Steve due to an unprintable incident that occurred during middle school, share an apartment and a 1999 Toyota Camry sedan between them. According to those familiar with the situation, the trio has considered replacing Gilbert with someone who has more free time to dedicate to gaming.

Tims been so busy with his fancy job, 401k, health insurance, and generally productive life, that hes barely ever around to play with us anymore, said Turner, while heating up some Easy Mac. And even when he does, he really fucking sucks. We have to cover for him like he does for us when we all go out to eat and only he can afford to pay the check.

While the squad works on their breaching techniques, Gilbert has been preparing for his upcoming wedding, in an unprecedented betrayal of the groups usual night to play squad games online.

The post Weakest Squad Member Also Most Successful in Real Life appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:00

Voyager 2 to Voyager 1 Man, just keep going, its shit back there "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As the Voyager 2 probe became only the second man-made object to leave the solar system for the dark, cold, expanse of deep space, following its sister craft Voyager 1, NASA scientists were taken aback when the two probes started communicating with each other; something neither craft was programmed to do. Once the faint digital message had been decoded, NASA engineers explained that Voyager 2 said to Voyager 1: Hey, dude, we were lucky to get this far out when we could, theyve all gone fucking ballistic back at base. Man, just keep going, its shit back there.

Given the probes present location, some 18 billion km (11 billion miles) from Earth, scientists were surprised at the clarity of the message. Both Voyager craft were launched 16 days apart in 1977; the year Jimmy Carter became president, and Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her Silver Jubilee.

The message from Voyager 1 continued: Apparently Carter and the Queen are still around, which is cool, but Elvis is dead and theres some moronic airheaded jerk in the White House. The UK seems set on some form of crazy national suicide, and the planets climate is fucked; its so bad they wont even listen to David Attenborough any more!

15:45

Merch Guy in No Position to Give You Discount "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

FORT COLLINS, Colo. Tortured Metaphor merch guy and badass road-warrior Todd Sanderson was quite clear last night that he has no authority whatsoever to give you a discount on a $25 T-shirt, and likely wouldnt, even if he could, witnesses confirmed.

The band needs money from T-shirts so they can put gas in the van and drive to the next city, Sanderson said when reached for comment. The line was backing up to four fucking people deep while I tried to explain the basic tenets of economics to that kid. The shirt is $25 that isnt out of the ordinary.

Security footage confirmed that none your constant pleading, fit throwing, subtle flirting, overt flirting, drug offers, aggressive winking, or shameless crying weakened Sandersons resolve, as the merch-slinger remained cross-armed, stone-faced, and unimpressed.

Ive seen it all at this point, said Sanderson. If I came down to where you worked and cried in your face, would you give me a discount? For the sake of the people who hired you, I sure as hell hope not.

Jason Bustamante, a longtime professional roadie and highly regarded merch expert, empathized with Sandersons uncomfortable situation.

Oh, yeah Ive heard some creative demands for discounts over the years, he said. People claim they left their cash in their other shoe, or the plasma center wont let them donate more than once a month, or some shit like that. One time, a guy told me he couldnt pay full price because the drugs he planned to sell at the show ended up being fake. Its like, Thats great, but it doesnt change the price of a shirt, dude.

Witnesses reported they could see Sanderson grow more impatient about your bullshit by the moment.

I thought the merch guy was going to hop over the table and start throwing elbows, to be honest, said Tortured Metaphor fan Taylor Switzer. When I overheard [you] say, I need this money to buy three more drinks, and I have the bands faces tattooed on my ass, I knew things were bubbling over. Thankfully, some really sweaty guy cut in front of everyone and bought a 7 to diffuse everything.

At press time, more people reported being stuck behind you at Taco Bell after the show, where you were taking for-fucking-ever to order a burrito.

The post Merch Guy in No Position to Give You Discount appeared first on The Hard Times.

Theresa Mays best bits in the style of someone evicted from Big Brother is funny and very clever "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theresa May hasnt been evicted just yet but when she is, wed like to think this is what BBC News will do to look back at her time of office.

Just a piece of next level cleverness shared by Jake Johnstone on Twitter.

Beautifully done.

Except was there something missing?

In summary

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15:30

Theresa May got locked in her own car funniest 14 things people said about it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As if Theresa May (and the rest of the country) hadnt been humiliated enough, she got locked in our own prime ministerial car on the way to meet Germanys Angela Merkel.

She did, she really did.

And heres our pick of what everyone had to say about it.

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13:11

These 21 wrong words that children have accidentally used are better than the originals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When artist Moose Allain noticed that thered been a lot of negativity on Twitter, he began posting a thread of those small things that bring a little joy into the world. People have been responding to his tweets along the way, including when the topic turned to odd and made-up words that families invent or adopt.

It stemmed from this simple pleasure

which inspired this reply.

It seems many other people had similar stories, mostly stemming from childrens misunderstandings.

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13:00

Brexiteers unlikely to give a rats arse about the European Court of Justice "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Remainers may be dancing in the streets and decorating their homes with EU-approved bunting; yet the news that the UK can unilaterally cancel Brexit, has been greeted by a universal meh from Leave Voters. The ECJs ruling carries as much sway with your average Brexiteer, as does the opinions of Jean-Claude Van Damme, the taste of currywurst or the third verse of La Marseillaise.

Commented one Brexiteer: Ignoring the ECJ was my main reason for voting in the first place. Like with horoscopes, Banksy and Celebrity Love-Island Im just not interested. On the list of things I dont care about, its right there at the top just ahead of greek yoghurt.

Unfortunately the ECJ is as relevant to Leave voters, as is a pot of marmalade is to NASAs Mission to Mars. At best, the ECJ speaking out on Brexit is like having your ex-boyfriend insist on cutting your fringe with nail-scissors.

Brexiteers have naturally responded with a measured and dignified fingers in the ears, following by an obligatory blah, blah, blah, Im not listening. Said the one voter: Taking back control, means never having to say youre sorry.

12:02

Donald Trump tops modern Christmas cracker jokes competition (and its not fake news) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A gag about Donald Trump has come top of a competition to come up with the best new modern Christmas cracker joke.

Theresa May, Boris Johnson, Love Island and Harry and Meghans wedding also featured among the favourite topical cracker gags in the annual competition run by TV channel Gold.

The good people of Gold challenged people to come up with the finest modern Christmas cracker jokes, which were then voted for by the British public.

And here are the top 15 (youll have to make your own bang sound though).

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What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off

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Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas? Because shes trying to bring back Chequers

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Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play? No prophet

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What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas? Their silence

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When do sheep practice their new dance? While shepherds watched them floss by night

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Whats the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born? The stable has had some wise men in it

7.

Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much? Shes always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes

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What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas? Suits

9.

Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Palletts Christmas Party? She misjudged the strength of the punch

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Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents? Because Kanye is Trumps favourite wrapper

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Whats the biggest complaint about Network Rails Christmas seasoning? They keep changing the thyme

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Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year? Because hes tired of being in the single market

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Whats the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas? Harry and Meghans wedding preacher

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What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey? Shred sauce

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Who won the North Pole Love Island? Dani Deer

The post...

11:49

This womans date was an hour late and his response makes her furious rant even better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its never nice when your date turns up late. But its important to keep everything in proportion, right?

A guy was going on his second date with this woman when he told her he was going to be an hour late, according to this post on Imgur, and this is what happened next.

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11:42

Donald Trump tweeted about a smocking gun and the burns kept coming 22 of the hottest "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its widely known that Donald Trump has a problem with spelling and punctuation and anger management. That last bad trait is no laughing matter, but some of his funnier spelling mistakes include whatever this was supposed to say:

There was also the time he managed to fit three spelling mistakes into one tweet which is no mean feat.


His latest error happened during one of his increasingly frequent rants about the Russian collusion investigation.

Wed screenshot it in case he deletes it, only it doesnt seem that he knows how. Naturally, there was a bit of a Twitter pile-on, including these excellent takedowns.

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11:22

This mum applied for a nursing job she was totally unqualified for and totally lost it when she was rejected "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When looking for a job its not entirely out of the ordinary that you might ask an old friend to help out. Its also, you know, not unusual for people to embellish their CV a little bit if required.

But this person, according to Redditor paradoxicalmind, took both of these tactics to extremes.

Here they are introducing the exchange on Reddit (and if youre wondering, CNA stands for certified nursing assistant).

Im a nursing manager at a healthcare organization. A former acquaintance I havent talked to in years reached out in response to my post about looking for help for a CNA/MA position, and then I ruined her Christmas.

And this is what happened next.

And a few of our favourite comments that it prompted

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11:00

Sports Personality of Year to introduce random banter testing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This years Sports Personality of the Year show will trial a new banter testing system, the BBC announced today.  The news comes amidst growing fears that athletes from popular, clubby sports have been able to unfairly game the system for many years by using in-jokes and slight innuendo with the presenters, thought to be worth at least 50,000 extra votes on the night over athletes from more marginal sports.

We want to level the playing field, said a BBC spokesperson today.  We know that its always funny seeing Lennox Lewis goof around with Andy Murray, and who couldnt raise a smile as Claire Balding makes a quip with Lewis Hamilton about his tax arrangements.  But its got out of hand.  The womens cricket team have won just about everything over recent years and all they usually get is just 30 seconds with Sue Barker and one of those slo-mo montages with the Welsh guy reciting an old poem over it.

Jokey exchanges on the show remain at an all time high, with presenters and sports personalities seemingly always at least two anecdotes ahead of the testers.  In one forced exchange between Gary Lineker and the England rugby team last year, banter levels were found to be 10 times the recommended broadcast maximum.  Samples of every interview done by John Inverdale are also currently being retrospectively tested, after high levels of a hard-to-spot reference to a public school tradition were found in one of his set piece comedy interludes with the England mens cricket team during rehearsals of the show.

With Murray serving a one year ban for dangerous levels of gags about his wife and mother in last years show, testers are thought to be focusing in on Chris Froome, who, to date, has registered a zero reading on every banter test he has ever taken.  The suspicion is that hes using high levels of natural ability and a somewhat deadpan delivery as a masking agent for heavily scripted punchlines., said one tester today.  But we feel its just a matter of time before he lets his guard down and gives a well timed riposte to one of Gabby Logans questions about chafing after 3 weeks in the saddle.

10:46

Hallmark Releases Happy Holidays Cards, Just To F**k With Cory Bernardi "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

happy holidays

Greeting card company Hallmark has released a range of festive cards that replace the word Christmas with Holiday just to get on Conservative Australia Party leader Cory Bernardis tits.

The company doesnt expect to sell any of the cards including versions that say We Wish You A Merry Holiday Season and Have Yourself A Merry Little Holiday Season but says it was worth the investment to see Mr Bernardi totally lose his mind.

We know no-one actually says Happy Holidays in Australia, but we heard it would drive Cory Bernardi absolutely fucking insane, so we thought it was worth it, a spokesperson for the company said.

Mr Bernardi has responded with a YouTube video, parliamentary submission, 14-page brochure and an upcoming television commercial to criticise the cards.

10:23

Britains weirdest tourist attraction has had a Christmas makeover "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tourist attractions tend to be along the lines of museums, theme parks, palaces and suchlike. What nobody ever says is Lets go and visit a plastic tunnel. right? Wrong. A plastic tunnel that leads from a car park to a supermarket in Bude, Cornwall, is officially a tourist attraction, with its own entry on TripAdvisor.

This is what it looks like, usually.

Some of the reviews include:

However, with Christmas fast approaching, the Bude Tunnel has been adorned for the season and its glorious. Feast your eyes.

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10:11

This detail about how hermit crabs find a home is blowing peoples minds "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Everyone loves a hermit crab, right? Except not everyone, it would appear, knows exactly how they help each other find a home.

Fortunately for us, someone looked it up so we dont have to and minds were blown.

And theres a video as well, just in case you dont believe it.

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09:14

This Brexit analogy went viral because its funny and totally nails it and prompted all sorts of cheesy puns "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Journalist Hugo Rifkind came up with a particularly unusual analogy for where Theresa May and Brexit are right now and it went viral because it was funny and totally accurate at the same time.

Heres what he said.

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08:49

An MP grabbed the mace in the House of Commons and these are the funniest 19 things people said about it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was uproar in the House of Commons at the end of the debate about Theresa Mays decision to call off the Brexit vote when Labour MP Lloyd Russell-Moyle (no, us neither) seized the ceremonial mace in protest.

Ooh, get him! Just in case, like us, you were wondering exactly that means, the mace represents the Queens authority in parliament and without it parliament cannot meet or pass laws.

Sounds pretty good to us. Anyway, here are the funniest 19 things people had to say about it, and jolly good they are too.

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08:28

A tiny typo made a headline about Julia Roberts very awkward indeed the only 14 reactions you need to read "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weve all had that slip of the hand thats resulted in sending a message with something confusing, incorrect or, occasionally, NSFW, but when that slip happens in a newspaper headline, its much worse. The Post Journal in New York recently made just such an error, leaving a headline about Julia Roberts looking rather inappropriate.

The word should clearly have been roles but that most unfortunate typo slipped through the net; if only subeditors had been invented.

Journalist, Neil McMahon shared his thoughts on the typo.

These are our 14 favourite tweets on the matter.

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08:00

Divorce Proceedings stall after Local solicitor refuses to disclose full extent of advice "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fred Cummins is facing the most difficult week of his very public divorce this week. Two years ago, Fred took the unusual step to announce his intention to finish his marriage by means of a public vote instead of using the courts. I felt that the man and woman in the street knew more about relationships than any judge, he said at the time. The vote took the public imagination, with 52% of those who voted agreeing he should divorce.

Shortly after the vote, Fred disappeared to follow up other interests and handed the final negotiations to his Sister-in-Law Maureen who has doggedly carried on with the divorce despite vocally supporting her sister in voting stay. Divorce means divorce has become a mantra for Maureen as she has tried to implement a number of requests from Fred over the last two years, including maintaining the right to cohabit the family home whenever he wants, keep access to Sky Sports and unlimited access to the larder and the conjugal bed on occasions. Fred is adamant that he shouldnt have to accept visits from his former in-laws, though, or their friends unless theyre hot.

The sticky subject of maintenance has stalled the process, though. Fred didnt want to pay any initially, then agreed to pay a one-off lump sum that still hasnt been agreed, but has finally suggested through Maureen that maintenance could continue for a couple of years or so as long as a long running dispute over his neighbours boundary can be resolved. Hes used to popping over to Lisas house for a quickie for years and doesnt want to see a hard border, explained Maureen.

The problem has now reached an impasse with chaos and confusion reigning despite the matter having been referred to a local solicitor who made recommendations; however, the dispute is now inflamed because it looks like he didnt disclose the final sentence of his advice to the Marital Court which subsequently has been revealed to include the phrase total crock of shit.

05:56

Work Xmas Party: Bloke Named Simon Kills The Vibe Talking About Trump And Russia Or Some Shit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An office intellectual whos name is either Simon or Evan has today ruined the mid-week Christmas Party by feeling the need to inform his uninterested colleagues of all the different things he knows about the Mueller probe. Despite being met with plenty of dismissive comments like Oh, I havent really been following that []

The post Work Xmas Party: Bloke Named Simon Kills The Vibe Talking About Trump And Russia Or Some Shit appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:27

Level Of Confected Outrage ABSOLUTELY SICKENING Online Commenter Says "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

online commentor

A man has labelled as absolutely disgusting the amount of contrived outrage that passes for comment these days.

Its repulsive, John Ribley wrote in the comments section of a national media website, before tweeting his concerns, using the hashtag #disgrace. Sorry, but this is just another example of whats wrong with this country. People taking a non-issue and then turning it into some sort of major concern, as if theyre outraged by it. Its absolutely sickening someone should resign over this.

He said it typified what was wrong with this country right now. This manufactured outrage over the smallest thing is the worst thing thats happened since WWII. Just awful.

He said heads should roll. As usual no-one is taking responsibility. People will die because of this.

 

04:55

Festival-Goer Warned About Risk Of Taking MDMA She Bought Off Bloke With Face Tatts In A WRX At 2AM "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local dance music enthusiast is today being urged to have a good long think about the dangers that can come from putting recreational drugs in her system. Christina Maley (18) from Betoota Heights has today been forced to consider the off-chance that the drugs she has bought for this weekend might cause []

The post Festival-Goer Warned About Risk Of Taking MDMA She Bought Off Bloke With Face Tatts In A WRX At 2AM appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:48

Pathetic Sook Looking Forward To Abusing Airline Staff Who Weigh His Carry-On "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Sadly, the bollards are still bolted to the ground at Remienko International Aerodrome after the unpleasantness in Sydney all those years ago. However, that fact is largely being credited with saving the life of a remarkably unpopular city worker today after he abused a female staff member because she said the mans bag []

The post Pathetic Sook Looking Forward To Abusing Airline Staff Who Weigh His Carry-On appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:27

FDA Urges Americans to Keep Health Goals Aspirational "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With the New Year and its associated array of resolutions fast approaching, the Food and Drug Administration urged Americans contemplating losing weight and getting in shape to keep their health and fitness goals aspirational. People have these f...

02:12

Man Railroaded Into Complimenting Friends Weird-Looking Baby "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter man has confided in The Advocate today about something that happened to him on the weekend that left him with an odd feeling in his stomach. Dylan Westacott said he was railroaded into complimenting his friends strange-looking baby on Saturday afternoon at a Christmas barbeque []

The post Man Railroaded Into Complimenting Friends Weird-Looking Baby appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:11

Cricket Australia Waiting To See How We Go In Perth Before They Decide If We Can Sledge Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The body governing the game of cricket in Australia has confirmed today that its not at panic stations just yet. Speaking exclusively to The Advocate this morning, Cricket Australias CEO Kevin Roberts informed us that they are holding tight for now. This comes after the Australian sides first test loss to India on home soil []

The post Cricket Australia Waiting To See How We Go In Perth Before They Decide If We Can Sledge Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:28

NSW Premier Prays Property Market Limps On Long Enough To Justify Selling Housos To Meriton "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact As Sydney begins its first wave of social cleansing in Waterloo and Redfern, NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian says shes pretty confident it will all be worth it, but well see. This comes after the NSW government announced that thousands of elderly and at risk Australians that depend on public housing will be relocated []

The post NSW Premier Prays Property Market Limps On Long Enough To Justify Selling Housos To Meriton appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:01

This Guardian clarification really had its work cut out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For reasons that must be obvious, the Guardian newspaper has long been dubbed the Grauniad, but some errors are a bit more obvious than a spelling mistake. Last week, a correction appeared that must be amongst the best weve ever seen. It said:

A reader noted that our recipe called Spaghetti with radicchio, fennel and rosemary didnt include spaghetti, fennel or rosemary.

Was it just radicchio on a plate?

Journalist Phil Baty spotted the little gem and posted a picture, which has proved to be very popular on Twitter.

There were some very entertaining reactions.

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00:55

Shorten Still Walking Kind Of Funny After Being Bent Over By Coalition On Encryption Laws "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact I could sit here all day and explain why I backflipped on that but itd just go over your head, he laughed. But Jesus Christ! Im walking like a cowboy today! [laughs] Opposition leader Bill Shorten spoke to The Advocate this morning from the comfort of his Melbourne home []

The post Shorten Still Walking Kind Of Funny After Being Bent Over By Coalition On Encryption Laws appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:32

Social Media Manager Stresses Over Report No One Will Read "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It was a busy first week of the month for social media manager Lizzy Dowling (28) who spent a continuous 96-hour stretch stressing out over a report no one will read. With a degree in Communications worth slightly less than the paper it is printed on (plus a debt that will last []

The post Social Media Manager Stresses Over Report No One Will Read appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Monday, 10 December

23:55

Sentinelese Tribe Rejects Missionarys Application For Asylum "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Indias North Sentinel IslandThe Sentinelese tribesmen responsible for the recent death of an American missionary man on a remote island off the coast of India are finally speaking out today about the slaying. In an exclusive interview, tribal spokesman, Bob the Elder, told The Discord, Yeah, we have some pretty tough immigration laws here on Stay The F Off

22:38

Dutton Denies Being The One Armed Man That Killed The Fugitives Wife "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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Minister for the Dark Arts Peter Dutton has strenuously denied being the one armed man that killed The Fugitive Dr Richard Kimbles wife in the early 90s movie.

These claims are baseless, sure I currently do have one arm due to an injury and yes I was in the area when the crime occurred but so were a lot of people, said Minister Dutton. I mean why is no one hassling immigrants or Bill Shorten.

In fact Ill be amazed if it wasnt Bill Shorten after all he is the reason for everything that has gone wrong in Australia since we have been in Government. Go hassle him.

When pressed on why he sought to blame Bill Shorten for his problems Minister Dutton replied: Its always other peoples fault that my plans for world domination get thwarted. I mean I would have been Australias supreme leader had Matthias Cormann not stuffed up the numbers.

I tell you he is Pinky to my Brain.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

21:05

Point/Counterpoint: English Republicanism "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

anotherengland

Point: We must build an anti-Westminster movement in England
by Anthony Jones, writer at The Lever

As the economic crisis deepens, Europe is particularly gripped by contradictions between various imperialist powers. This is most saliently felt in the Brexit regime which has pitted sections of the British ruling classes against their French and German counterparts. However, we in Britain are still living through the contradictions of capitalism-imperialism headed by Westminster, and in particular, the national contradictions within Britain which have the potential to splinter the UK as the EU is being splintered.

Naturally, I am referring to the potential of rising Scottish and Welsh nationalism to weaken Westminster imperialism and the English bourgeoisie, but it is very important that we understand how the English bourgeoisie is actually ruling Britain under the guise of not doing so. Through cultural soft power and economic and military hard power, the English ruling classes whose seat of power is Westminster attempt to convince all the peoples of this island of a shared political identity as British. This lie must be exposed not only by the Welsh and Scottish proletariats who can carry the struggle against imperialism beyond the weak pos...

20:31

Desperate 70 Year-Old Man Robs Bank, Immediately Surrenders To Police "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: Joe Kocolochek, a retired farmer from Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, had taken all he could. After surviving fifty years with his termagant wife, he decided that he had to take action. Anything would be better than spending another...

18:45

Dr. Bronner Mad With Power After Finding 19th Use for Soap "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

VISTA, Calif. The discovery of a 19th use for Dr. Bronners All-One hemp castile soap has members of the company going absolutely mad with power, concerned sources report.

I was bringing in a shipment of rose oil when I heard this insane, maniacal laughter coming from the office, said visibly shaken warehouse manager Karina Holmes, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. It was something about 19 uses yes, yes! and Absolute cleanliness is absolute godliness and I, the King of Soap! Kind of weird for a Tuesday.

When reached for comment, Dr. Bronners CEO David Bronner confirmed suspicions.

Theyll do whatever I tell them! he yelled from behind a closed and locked door. Ive got them washing floors with shampoo, the fools!

Additional members of the Bronner family, however, are struggling to deal with the total meltdown from updating the iconic packaging to include a 19th way to use the soap which, for over 50 years, included only 18 suggested uses.

Do you know how small we have to make that font on the label to make room for a 19th use? said Bronners wife and company co-president Kathy Bronner. I casually suggested we cut some of the random Bible references, but he just kept whispering, All-one, Kath, All-one, with this unnerving grin Id never seen before.

Phil Banjo Man Lyle, a cashier at the Prickly Pear Cooperative, found additional, unexpected issues from the change after a man believed to be David Bronner himself burst into the store and dramatically swept all bottles of his product off the shelf, claiming they were now obsolete.

He was wearing a burlap mask, but we all knew it was Bronner because of the intense peppermint smell, Lyle said when reached for comment. He was ranting about how he hath bequeathed us a 19th use for our mortal needs or whatever. When I was clocking out, he was still reciting poetry near the pastry aisle.

When asked what, exactly, was the revolutionary 19th use, Lyle could only guess.

I think he might have said, like, Safe for washing your horse, or something. Or maybe thats already on there, he said. I dont know. Ive actually never read the label. Its just soap.

The post Dr. Bronner Mad With Power After Finding 19th Use for Soap appeared first on The Hard Times.

17:14

All It Took to Become Successful Was Talking and Dressing Like the Rich Person Whose Identity I Stole "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Like me, youve probably been told that millennials are too busy vaping, eating ass, and razing entire industries to the ground and salting the earth to become wealthy. But in reality, you can become a raging success just like I did: by adopting the looks and habits of the wealthy, and also stealing their identities.

I want to really hammer home that last part. Its pretty crucial.

I wont lie, it takes hard work to follow my path to prosperity. You cant just make a LinkedIn profile and sit on your ass. You have to be willing to invest your time, effort, and emotions 100% into improving your life, Talented Mr. Ripley-style. And also it helps to get a job where you have access to high-end shoppers credit card information. Thats most of it.

To start, youll need to single out the wealthy person whose life youre about to invade and take over. It helps if they already look a lot like you but if they dont its not a deal-breaker. One easy workaround is hiding out on your yacht in Ibiza for a few months, then re-emerging and telling all your new loved ones you had major cosmetic surgery. Rich people are always doing eccentric shit like that and they hate being uninformed, so theyll play along until they die even if they dont believe you.

After you find your mark, I mean mentor, youll need to get close enough to them to start studying the traits that make them successful: work habits, time management skills, personality quirks, social security number, etc. Things like that. Networking will make a huge difference- like how I used my social media know-how to track down various venture capitalists and real estate moguls on Instagram and follow them around when theyre on vacation, at work, and in the gym.

So now that youve shadowed your walking embodiment of success, internalized their confidence, drive, and all their usernames and passwords, whats next?

Ideally by this time, youve become a trusted inner confidant of theirs, while simultaneously remaining unnoticed by their family, most of their friends, and the authorities. Before you start raking in the big bucks, youll have to get rid of them. As my wealthy target used to say whenever Forbes profiled him, Competition is great for business, especially if you eliminate the competition. What a brilliant man!

One of the first traits I picked up from my successful idol was a ruthless business acumen. Thanks to the invaluable lessons I learned, it took little effort on my part to sail far out to sea and throw the weighted body overboard. In next to no time, I was everything my parents ever wanted for me and more: a guy with a Tesla, thriving businesses, several disowned children from extramarital affairs, and no more worries.

The post...

16:36

People cant believe Donald Trump doesnt even know how to toss a coin "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump took time out of his busy schedule tweeting to attend the annual Army-Navy American football game in Philadelphia.

Not something wed ordinarily bother you with, but one of Trumps duties was to toss the coin and people couldnt quite get their heads round the way he did it.

Have a watch for yourself.

Its a fair question, and one which these people did their best to answer.

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16:16

Well I Stan Your Father, Explains Mom After First Day of Twitter "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MILWAUKEE, Wisc. Local mother and new addition to the Twitter community Eileen Sommer reportedly announced to her family today, We stan a legend, your father.

Stan, an endearing phrase used to describe when someone idolizes the content or personality of an entertainer originates from the Eminem song Stan and is generally not used when discussing spouses.

I think your father makes great content on the reg, such as the lovely homecooked meal you are all currently eating, so yes I am serious when I say that, in this household, we stan a legend, Sommer explained to her children, as they rolled their eyes. Now that Im a Twitter [sic], Im just trying to get into all the new lingo!

I would even go as far as to say I stan a queer icon, based on some experiences your father had before he met me when Sommer continued, before being interrupted by her daughter saying, Jesus, mom.

According to close sources, Sommer even printed out a photo of the Distracted Boyfriend Meme with the woman in red labeled as Your dad, the boyfriend labeled as Mom, and the girlfriend left completely blank.

I remember when I first met your father, you know. I didnt use these words, but I essentially felt like OMG Im screaming! Sommer said next, waving her arms around. Zendaya wasnt meechee back then, of course, but things really werent that different. Every day I pray that your father is never cancelled.

At press time, Eileen Sommer told reporters that she had just received her first follower.

The post Well I Stan Your Father, Explains Mom After First Day of Twitter appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:12

This childs unexpected response to a letter from Santa is just perfect comic timing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just a beautiful moment as this little lad receives a reply from Santa Claus confirming that, yes, he is on the list because, yes, hes been a good little boy.

Like his pants, were filling up.

Our favourite bit might be the person at the very end who you can just about hear muttering unbelievable (at least, we think you can).

15:45

Man Without Health Insurance Just Going to Give It a Few More Days "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ATHENS, Ga. Local uninsured and ailing man Jordan Cohen announced today that he will just give it a few more days before seeking any medical treatment, according to sources close to the invalid.

Yeah its just a bruise. Whatever, said Cohen, examining his now multi-colored mosh pit injury between desperate gasps for breath. Ive had plenty of pit injuries before. Im sure my ribs have always made that clicking sound when I breathe in too deep Ive just never noticed until now.

Cohen admitted hes been bedridden for three days, and cant stand for longer than two minutes before intense abdominal pain leaves him curled in a fetal position on the floor, begging for the sweet release of death.

I went to a show recently and collided with a guy in the pit, and he broke his arm. Like, his fucking bone was sticking out, claimed Cohen. That guy needed to go to the doctor. But me? I just had to lie down and try to breathe for a while. Sure, Ive been coughing up blood, but who hasnt been there? This will clear up by the weekend.

Gabby OBrien, Cohens longtime girlfriend, privately expressed her concerns.

Jordan hasnt slept more than an hour a night since the injury, and he passes out from the pain every time he sneezes. Next time he blacks out, I might just put him in the car and bring him to the emergency room, said OBrien while mapping out the quickest route to the hospital. He thinks doctors are for pussies, but if his fever gets any worse, I dont think hell have a chance to recover.

Cohens roommate has allegedly also attempted to persuade Cohen to no avail.

I cant even get him to take ibuprofen because he saw some article on Facebook saying itll tear up your stomach lining and he doesnt want to jeopardize his health, said Thomas Groth. I get it, though I turned 26 last year, and had to get off my moms health insurance, so youve gotta just try to be better to yourself until you can find a good job or something. Nowadays, I try to only have two drinks a night thats why I switched to drinking 40s.

At press time, Cohen remained optimistic.

Ill just see how it feels over the next few days, I guess. As long as the bruise doesnt get any bigger, I think Ill be fine. Its like the opposite of that mole I have on my shoulder that things been growing for years, but hasnt caused me any trouble.

The post Man Without Health Insurance Just Going to Give It a Few More Days appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:06

Actor Had His Face Chewed Off By Tiger Before The 9pm TV Watershed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An actor in a TV drama involving a man who sometimes changes into a white tiger, had his face gnawed off last night, despite the fact that, in many countries, this would have been before the 9 o'clock watershed. Thing is, in Cambodia, there are ma...

12:50

Comedian James Acaster spotted the Queer Eye Fab Fives beautifully diverse tweeting style "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If you havent seen the hit Netflix show Queer Eye, youre missing out on some amazing entertainment, not to mention the definitive guide to applying a French tuck to make your shirts look extra stylish. Comedian James Acaster obviously has, because he follows all five of the talented gay men who make the programme such compulsive viewing by changing peoples surroundings, appearances and outlooks.

We know he follows them, because he tweeted this:




Hair stylist Jonathan Van Ness take on Middle Eastern affairs wouldnt be out of place on a political website, whilst fashion guru and Doncaster lad, Tan France, strikes a far more down-to-earth tone, although still clearly concerned for the welfare of our world.
Twitter user, Sarah Gadd, shared a little serendipity that very much supported James position.

12:31

Nigel Farage said this about Article 50 and everyones making the same joke "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The European Court of Justice has ruled that the UK can unilaterally stop the Brexit process. The court said in its ruling today that any EU member state can revoke an article 50 process without needing approval from every other member state.

Not everyone was happy that the European Union was giving us the freedom to determine our own future, though. Nigel Farage, for one, who said this.

And lots of people made the same joke. Here are our 11 favourite variations on the theme.

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12:09

Simply a very satisfying play in 4 acts (with an unexpected twist) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Were grateful to a chap called Ian Sausage on Twitter for bothering Piers Morgan because he had some important news to share.

This is what he said happened next, a very satisfying play in 4 acts.

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Sometimes (always?) the most satisfying things are the simplest.

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11:54

Two nuns embezzled from a Catholic school to go to Vegas 13 superior comments "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nuns have had a hard enough time trying to preserve their reputation, with some awful past behaviours coming to light, so they wont be too happy to see they have a new piece of bad publicity to deal with.

The whole headline had a bit of a blockbuster ring to it, which didnt escape the notice of Twitter.

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09:16

Report: Grey Nomad Good For A Yarn "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A local retiree, who appears absolutely stoked to finally talk to someone who isnt his wife, is holding to a brief conversation with both hands. After driving for close to 10 hours in near silence between two different Outback look-outs, Richard Newcombe (72) has taken the opportunity to peel away from his caravan []

The post Report: Grey Nomad Good For A Yarn appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:43

"PETA" Boycotts Autry's "Rudolph" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Charging that Gene Autry's "Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer" contributes to the acceptance of bullying, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals [PETA] today called on all radio stations to ban the song during the holiday season. A PETA spokesm...

04:37

Duttons Eyes Glaze Over With Jealously Watching French Police Bash Protestors "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Its not fair, he said quietly. Why is the French government allowed to do that? Why can we be allowed to shoot, gas, bash and imprison people saying mean things about our government? Peter Dutton reluctantly took time out of his busy afternoon of reading our encrypted WhatsApp group []

The post Duttons Eyes Glaze Over With Jealously Watching French Police Bash Protestors appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Sunday, 09 December

22:19

Warning Labels Put On News Stories Containing Photos Of Spiders "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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The government has announced that it will be compulsory to put a warning label on any news story that contains a photograph of a spider to protect the sensibilities of sooky arachnophobes.

We are introducing the SP warning to go alongside similar warning for violence, adult themes and explicit sexual content to stop big wussy lilies who are scared of spiders from wetting themselves should they accidentally click on a link that leads them to a big hairy tarantula, said Constance Chatterley from the Office of Film and Literature Classification. It doesnt matter what type of spider, the legislation covers everything from daddy long legses to those little ones that make webs on your cars side mirrors and are small enough to crawl into your head through your ear and lay their eggs in your brain.

The new law has been welcomed by dainty spider haters, many of whom are unable to take a relaxing browse through the morning news over a cup of coffee through fear of accidentally stumbling upon a story about venom milking or the discovery of a new species of bird eating spider in the Costa Rican rainforest.

I get the shuddery shakes just turning the pages of the paper just in case theres a photo of some weirdo from the museum with a spider on their face or an update on the new remake of that movie Arachnophobia, said spider phobic newspaper reader Gavin Webster. An SP rating on the cover will a...

22:02

Real Life Batman? This Mans Parents Are Both Dead "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

While Todd Erickson may seem like a mild mannered middle-aged man at first glance, this is simply a cover up to hide the fact that he is none other than the crime fighter knows as Batman. How do we know? Both his parents are both dead.

I got a chance to sit down with Erickson, who is 43, at his apartment in the Milwaukee suburbs. Much like the Batcave from the comics, Todds apartment is dimly lit and even has a hard to find entrance!

My mom died a few weeks ago after a long battle with cancer, and my dad died about five years ago from a sudden heart attack, said the real life Dark Knight. Howd you get in here?

Im glad hes on our side!

Erickson has even done his fair share of crime fighting! I was lucky enough to hear one of his harrowing stories from the streets while I drank from a dented can of orange crush he had given me from his empty fridge.

Yeah this one time my neighbors dog ran away, said the Caped Crusader. She posted about it on Facebook and I shared the post.

Erickson isnt just a flesh and blood copy of the worlds greatest detective either. Much like Batmans alter ego Bruce Wayne, Erickson also moonlights as a bit of a playboy.

I have been getting into cryptocurrencies lately. Theyve been going through a bit of a dry spot, but I really think theyre the future of finance, said the Silent Protector.

I asked if Erickson had any heroic advice for us common folk. The Watchful Guardian replied, Damn I really miss my mom.

Meeting Erickson was an experience Ill never forget. Now I can sleep a little better at night knowing that there are heroes like him watching over us.

The post Real Life Batman? This Mans Parents Are Both Dead appeared first on The Hard Times.

17:48

Opinion: Youre Gatekeeping Wrong "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I am so goddamn sick of seeing fake gatekeepers on the internet telling people they arent real fans of something, because they are gatekeeping all WRONG.

I have been a REAL gatekeeper my entire life. I understand what it is like to have grown up as a gatekeeper, keeping a watchful eye on nerd and geek culture (if you dont know the difference, you shouldnt even be gatekeeping in the first place). I have worked my ass off to get to where I am as a gatekeeper and it is a major part of my identity, so dont you dare show up to my internet neighborhood and try to gatekeep other people unless you actually deserve to.

I will admit, its tricky to distinguish. I bet youre all expecting some wonderful guide that easily breaks down the fundamental steps to proper gatekeeping. Wouldnt that be nice? An easy way to know who is a real gatekeeper?

Well the world doesnt fucking work that way. The only way to tell the difference is to be a true gatekeeper and to feel it in your gut OR to listen to me. Because when I see someone online chastising some fake Game of Thrones fan for not reading the books or some fake Star Wars fan for enjoying Episode 8, I can tell if theyre gatekeeping for real. Its not something you can read or see, its something I just know deep in my bones because Im the real deal.

I guess the ultimate advice when it comes to gatekeeping or nerd culture in general is this: always defer to whatever I say is right. Because when it comes down to it, only I truly understand what is right and what is wrong and what is good and what is bad. And youre trying to pull that off yourself? Youre doing it wrong.

The post Opinion: Youre Gatekeeping Wrong appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:45

Coolest Cousin From Childhood Finally Paroled "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BRIDGEWATER, Mass. Your coolest cousin and basically big brother from ages 4-13, Donnie McGee, was finally released from prison earlier today, not-so-excited sources confirmed.

Man, Donnie is the fucking best. Hes basically the reason I got into punk and hardcore. Without him, Id probably have been some n-metal wonk wishing Ozzfest would come back, you reported from your car outside of Old Colony Correctional Center in Bridgewater. We havent really talked much in the past 20 years because he got involved with some heavy shit, but I was the first person he called when he found out he got paroled.

Your longtime girlfriend Jolene Campos admitted shes a little uneasy about your admiration for your cousin, convicted of multiple, sometimes violent, felonies.

From everything Ive heard, it seems like Donnie was a ton of fun to start fires with as a kid but then got mixed up with a bad crowd as a teenager, said Campos while hiding her grandmothers heirloom jewelry. Which is fine I believe in second chances but this seems like his eighth or ninth chance and thats with legal intervention from the State of Massachusetts.

I do wish I was consulted about Donnie staying with us until he gets on his feet, though, she added. But, hey relationships are about compromise, and feeling kind of unsafe in your own home because of a criminal on your futon is just part of that, right?

Reportedly, while you waited for McGee to exit the medium security facility, you pondered which topics to discuss on the 15-minute drive to your apartment.

The last photo of him I saw, he had some extensive tattoo work done and Ive been getting tattooed for a while, so I figure we can discuss that, you said excitedly, pointing to the tattoo of your last name on your forearm. He was always the funniest dude: hed crack me up with his Ren and Stimpy impressions.

Im sure he has a ton of really funny prison stories, you added. I could tell him about the time I got pulled over and the cop let me go with a warning, because we had the same last name. People like that story, and he can probably relate.

At press time, you and your girlfriend were quietly watching Netflix on your phone in your bedroom, while McGee and a crew of large men got drunk in your living room.

The post Coolest Cousin From Childhood Finally Paroled appeared first on The Hard Times.

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Saturday, 08 December

19:31

Traditional Saudi Headdress Now Comes With Italian Restaurant Feature "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A picnic ensemble will be available for the holidays! Batteries sold separately.

18:08

Gex the Gecko Really Thought This Video Games Award Broadcast Was Gonna Be the One to Announce His Comeback "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MAUI, Hawaii As the live stream ended for the 2018 Video Game Awards, Gex the Gecko, titular character of the mildly popular Gex video game trilogy released in the 90s, reportedly slumped in his chair and let out a guttural sigh as yet another opportunity for a series reboot announcement failed to materialize.

The gaming industry doesnt care about old-timers like me. Blinx the Cat and I were texting last night, assuring each other that this was gonna be the year they bring us out of retirement, Gex told reporters, but apparently if you arent a fucking squad-based mmo-esque battle royale looter shooter with microtransactions, the industry has no use for you.

After pounding a shot, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend Agent Xtra, Gex began an angry monologue that sounded progressively drunker as it went on.

I used to be a star, you know? An influencer. There would be no Geico Gecko without me and that snivelling little social climber cant even return my calls or introduce me to some gaming execs. Im not picky; you want me to star in an endless runner? Ive put on a couple pounds but Id do it, Gex rambled on.

Name a genre and I promise I can lower my dignity to take it.

Sensing that this article might be his last chance at getting noticed by the gaming industry, Gex kept offering reasons why he deserves a comeback.

You dont even need me to update my pop culture references because they all have been rebooted and are cool again! Gex pleaded with reporters. I can even do my great Adriaaaannn thanks to the Creed movie!

At press time, industry sources said that Gex is up for the last slot on Nintendos rumored N64 Classic, although will have to compete with Glover and Brett Favre: NFL Quaterback Club 98.

The post Gex the Gecko Really Thought This Video Games Award Broadcast Was Gonna Be the One to Announce His Comeback appeared first on The Hard Times.

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Thursday, 06 December

23:23

Doctor Explains To Sick Kid On Nauru That He Has A Malignant Government "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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A doctor at an immigration centre in Nauru has quietly told a young refugee on Nauru of the existence of a malignant government. He has given it four months to live.

Describing the government as aggressive, he explained that it would probably get worse before an attempt was made to remove it.

Its getting progressively worse Im afraid. It might make you feel sick, the doctor explained.

22:37

Shorten Proudly Tells Friends He Only Let the Government Get To Second Base On Recent Date "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Shorten

Labor leader Bill Shorten has returned from a date with the Government and proudly boasted to colleagues that he only let them get to second base as he cut them off before they got to third.

Bill was very happy with how the date went, he said it started off well and was very amicable and he felt in control at all times, said one of Bills closest confidants. The Government did get a bit frisky and tried it on but Bill stopped them as they approached third base.

Hes hopeful that things will keep progressing in a positive and amicable way.

However despite Bills positivity the Government has gone around boasting that they went all the way with Bill and have claimed that he was pretty easy.

The news has not yet gotten back to Bill and friends are worried that when it does it may devastate him and force him to do something stupid like exchange preferences

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

In Sydney Dec 7th then come along and see our live show. To buy tickets go to: https://bit.ly/2AUaE5f

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Wednesday, 05 December

21:57

Barrel Chested Old Coot At Beach Wants You To Guess How Old He Is "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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That leathery old bloke in speedos whos always strutting around at the beach wants you to take a shot at guessing how old he is.

How old do you reckon I am? asked wrinkly beachgoer Bert Vovo as he puffed out his chest in front of some random sunbathers at Manly Beach yesterday. Have a go, dont be shy how old?

Hed engaged me and my friend in some aimless chatter about bluebottles for several minutes before putting his hands on his hips and asking us to have a crack at guessing how old he is, said Norwegian tourist Elke Slopslap. I thought Id be polite and estimate his age and then knock 20 years off because I assumed he was fishing for a compliment on how fit he was.

Retired boilermaker Vovo was stoked when the pallid skinned backpacker guessed his age as 60ish, well below his actual age of 79.

Ive been a member of the surf lifesaving club here for 67 years and do 10 laps of the rock pool every morning, crowed the septuagenarian sand stroller. Sure my skin now has the colour and texture of a pair of tan brogues from Payless Shoes but I keep myself supple by rubbing in half a jar of dubbin every morning.

Satisfied with the response, Vovo shuffled off down the beach in an old man jogging style looking for other sun bathers to have a chinwag with.

Peter Green
http://www.tw...

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Tuesday, 04 December

22:30

Liberal Party Change Their Constitution To Make It Impossible To Unseat A Sitting Craig Kelly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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Scott Morrisons Liberal Government has held an emergency meeting overnight to change the constitution of the party to ensure that no sitting Craig Kelly is ever unseated in a pre-selection battle.

Weve listened to the people and by people I mean the chaps on Sky News after dark and weve heard loud and clear that the people want Craig Kelly in parliament, said Prime Minister Morrison. Besides if he didnt have parliament to go to hed be on Sky News 24/7 and I dont think anyone wants that do they?

Well maybe Andrew Bolt does but thats besides the point.

When asked why his Government put so much stock into the opinions of Sky News after dark the Prime Minister replied: Sky News is a great avenue for us as a Government to get our message across to their 10s of viewers.

Its either Sky News or appearing on the ABC where their presenters dare to ask us questions that arent on the script.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook...

18:30

Navy Admiral Killed in UFO Cover-up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A top naval official in charge of operations in the Middle East was found dead in Bahrain Saturday, according to a Navy spokesperson. Although the navy officially ruled out foul play, calling his death an apparent suicide, our White House source claims Vice Adm. Scott A. Stearney, 58, was murdered because he intended to speak to the press about a brazen and ongoing UFO cover-up that for years had plagued his nerves.

He wanted to come forward, our source said, because a growing number of sailors under his command, varying from lowly seamen to commanding officers, had reported seeing unidentified flying objects rising from the waters in the Straits of Hormuz and the Arabian Sea. These craft ranged in size from a few meters in diameter to twice the length of a football field. In some cases, they arose from the sea and vanished into space in the blink of an eye; other times they surfaced and hovered directly abeam of U.S. warships.

Our source said that in 2018 Admiral Stearney submitted fifty-seven unidentified flying object reports to United States Central Command (CENTCOM) at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa, FL.

When a solider or sailor encounters a UFO and reports it to his commanding officer, hes usually told to shut the fuck up. Hes told he had a hallucination, was dealing with sea sickness, or what he saw was a figment of his imagination. But still every report is filed up the Chain of Command. It was Adm. Stearneys responsibility to forward every report, regardless of credibility, to CENTCOM. The frequency of reports became so numerous that he must been overwhelmed. A few days prior to his death, he wrote CENTCOM a letter saying he believed the reports and that the information contained ought to be publically known and not buried in the bowls of the Pentagon, our source said.

Two days later, a fellow officer discovered Stearneys corpse in his Bahrain apartment. Without an investigation, the Naval Criminal Investigation Services (NCIS) excluded homicide in favor of suicide. The investigating agents allege...

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Friday, 16 November

20:24

President Trump To Transition To A Woman "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald J. Trump, leader of the free world, announced today that he would undergo surgery to remove his naughty bits and replace them with kinder gentler naughty bits, those of a broad! The president was quoted as saying, "This whole Me Too movemen...

16:03

White House mulls celebrity swaps to honor global justice and dispel lingering odors "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mr. Trump and his staff are considering ways to bolster support toward re-election in 2020, following significant re-evaluation of the nations midterms. Despite Mr. Trumps earlier claims of victory, increased ballot count shows continued Democ...

06:00

Trump Has Been President For 666 Days Today - Symbolic? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

US President, Donald J. Trump, has been in the job 666 days today, 16 November, having taken office on 20 January 2017, and has been busy living up to his 'devilish' reputation by hinting that Robert Mueller, in charge of the 'Russia investigation',...

02:58

Saudi Agent Who Killed Jamal Khashoggi Identified "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The murderer of Saudi Arabian dissident journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, whose death was ordered by the Saudi crown prince, Mohammad bin Salman, has been identified, to the relief of all concerned. The man, Ashraf al-Pigsmightfly, is a Saudi intellige...

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Thursday, 15 November

17:28

Terrified Saudi Prosecutor says Jamal Khashoggi Murder "Was Ordered by Agent, Not Crown Prince After All...Honest" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In what he claimed is "definitely not a whitewash" Saudi Arabia's public prosecutor has concluded that an intelligence officer ordered Jamal Khashoggi's murder, not Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman despite all the evidence to the contrary in his poss...

16:21

White House Security Breach As Jamal Khashoggi's Ghost Calls To See President Trump "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Feathers were ruffled, and presidential security officers were on full alert this morning, after an apparition much resembling the forlorn figure of murdered Saudi Arabian dissident journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, was seen lumbering along corridors at t...

15:43

Trump Revokes White House Press Credentials Of The Spoof "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Spoof, the satirical news website that has consistently dragged the name and reputation of US President, Donald Trump, through the mud, has now suffered the same fate as CNN reporter, Jim Acosta, and had its White House press credentials revoked,...

15:30

Secret audio on White House bed post alarms staff and brings in Bob Woodward "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Breaking: Discovery of a secret audio listening post in the Trump master bedroom at The White House has brought suspicion Mr. Erdogan, President of Turkey, may be behind the scheme. The FBI is investigating, and The Washington Posts classic newsh...

06:10

CNN To Give Jim Acosta A Pay Rise "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CNN, the television news company that employs Jim Acosta, the man who had his White House reporting credentials revoked after a press conference controversy with US President, Donald Trump, have awarded their reporter a pay rise, for asking the right...

04:37

President Trump Applies Calming Effect To Macron Row "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

US President, Donald Trump has reacted to comments made by the French president, Emmanuel Macron, over what the Frenchman said were matters of common decency, that Trump lacked. In what - for him - was a measured response, Trump blasted: "Commo...

03:45

Company Selects "Employee of the Month" for November "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Minnesota. Thomas Darfey, 42, was recently selected as the November "Employee of the Month" at Plainfield Lumber Products, a factory that produces household furniture items as well as composite decking boards. Thomas (or "Tommy" as he likes to...

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Wednesday, 14 November

18:32

Trump a Communist? He'll "Nationalize" Amazon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

At the recent Paris war memorial, Wikileaks secretly recorded Donald Trump telling Vladimir Putin, "When Amazon owns everything, I'll 'nationalize' it." Aghast, Putin responded: "That's communism! When you 'nationalize' something, that means the g...

14:49

Rapper Forgot Words To Song, So Just Kept Improvising With Ever More Tenuous Rhymes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A top US rap artist has won dozens of new fans, after he rescued himself from a potentially career-ending embarrassment during a live internet concert, when he forgot his words. The rapper, Grizzly Muthafucka (not real name), was onstage in Los An...

10:20

Man Tries To Improve His German Language Skills By Watching 'Kolberg' (1945) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who wanted to improve his rudimentary German language skills, has told how he watched a 1945 World War II propaganda film in order to do so. Myke Woodson, 55, was left with 'nothing to do' during a four-hour break at the school where he work...

03:34

Brexit Agreement Reached! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a stunning turnaround, and against all the odds, the EU and the UK government put aside their previous differences on the Brexit deal, and finally reached an agreement to suit both sides: they agreed to disagree. The two factions, who had previ...

02:43

Bolton to be shot out of a cannon over the Middle East "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

According to inside analysts, Mr. John Bolton, National Security Advisor, is steadily advancing toward November, 2024. If theres one thing we do like its a good war, is commonly expressed by Mr. Bolton and his group at barbecues and gab sessio...

01:04

Saudi X-rays Show Khashoggi Body Parts Smuggled Out In Hit Teams Tummies "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: In a previously copyrighted story that appeared on these pages, Saudi officials had dismissed the allegation that the team that assassinated Mr. Khashoggi in their Consulate In Turkey disposed of him by dismembering him and then s...

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Tuesday, 13 November

23:24

Man Receives Death Threat Over Narcissistic Material "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who was accused of being overly-narcissistic on a satirical news website, has received death threats threatening him with death, I can reveal. Myke Woodson, 55, said he had also been accused not only of being overly-narcissistic, but overtly...

13:06

Death Threat Would Never Have Been Carried Out, Says Man Who Sent Himself A Death Threat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who sent himself a death threat has told police he never meant to carry it out. The man, Myke Himself, 55, said that the threat was just a prank. Himself said he sent the death threat to himself "as a laugh", and that it was not meant to...

02:57

Belfast Marathon Sprint Finish Ruined As Runner Slips On Dog Shit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was real drama in the finishing stretch in the Belfast Marathon today, when, coming into the final 100 yards of the race, three men still in contention entered into a neck-and-neck sprint finish, only for one of them to bow out 10 yards from th...

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Monday, 12 November

16:03

Witnesses Sought After Ruler Snaps "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man is appealing for witnesses after an antique ruler was snapped in half at the weekend. The striking 30cm yellow, plastic ruler was emblazoned with the words 'Hull Colour Pages', and was in regular use. Myke Woodson, 55, stole the ruler al...

14:26

Patriots Award Naming Rights to Amazon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Boston, Ma - The New England Patriots have awarded team naming rights to Amazon.com. The team formerly known as the Pats will now be called the Amazons. All players are required to take on Amazon as their last name. Quarterback Tom Amazon initial...

13:57

Trump Missed WW1 Memorial Service "To Request Asylum" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The White House has been forced to deny that US "President" Donald Trump was visiting Paris' Russian embassy in an attempt to gain political asylum when he missed a World War One memorial event on Saturday. His non-appearance has led to a critical ba...

13:18

Mann Turns The Other Cheek "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a Christian act of restraint that would have impressed many a God-botherer looking in, a man on the satirical news website, TheSpoof.com, decided that, rather than indulging in a fruitless and counterproductive slanging match with his critics, he...

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Wednesday, 31 October

21:31

Government Releases The Cure For Cancer, But With The Largest Price Tag of Any Drug in History "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a breakthrough discovery, officials at the Scientific Lab For Study and Research in Washington, D.C., have developed the worlds first 100% cure for all types of cancer, no matter the region in the body or the severity. Researchers have been working on the drug for more than 20 years in secret, and trials on human subjects were just completed earlier this year.

The drug, which is already approved by the FDA for use in patients, has the largest price tag of any in the history of medicine. A single injection costs $4.7 million dollars, with the course of treatment needing a total of 52 injections over the course of a year. Final cost for the treatment? Nearly $2.5 billion dollars per person.

We know that its really, really high, but frankly, theres not much we can do about it, said lead researcher, Mario  Jones, M.D. The ingredients in the drug warrant the cost. Were actually taking a loss on each injection by several hundred thousand dollars. I cannot speak to, exactly, what is in the drug, because of patent concerns, but let me tell you, its really a great deal if you can get your hands on it.

21:28

Michelle Obama Says She Plans To Run Against Trump in 2020 With Barack As Her V.P.! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a shocking move, Michelle Obama says she is ready to begin campaigning for a shot at the White House in 2020. The announcement comes after several months of speculation, but with Michelle always saying it wasnt going to happen. The news also includes a shocking running mate Michelles husband, former President Barack Obama.

We had to look into the legalities a lot, because we were not 100% sure it could happen, but it turns out, everything is in order, said Michelle Obama in a statement. Barack finished his two terms as elected President, but would be allowed to serve two more terms as Vice President, were he able to get elected with a running mate who is eligible for the office. I believe Im more than qualified for the job.

When questioned about the issue, though, that if something were to happen to her after election, Barack would become President for a third term, Michelle smiled slyly.

Yes, wellyou do never know what the future holds, she said.

21:27

President Trump Readies Deportation of Melania After Huge Fight At White House "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.

President Trump says he is beginning the preparations for deporting his wife, Melania, back to whatever third world shithole she comes from, according to official White House documents.

According to reports, Melania and President Trump had a bitter argument in the middle of the Oval Office, although the stories differ as to what caused the argument in the first place, with most sources stating that President Trump dislikes being referred to be his wife as President Cheeto.

Frankly, I think its a sweet term of endearment from a wife to her husband, said one anonymous staffer. He really is taking it the wrong way. Now, of course, when she refers to his penis as the Presidents little Cheeto Puff, that might be crossing a line. But still theyre married, youre supposed to work these things out.

President Trump said that he has been married enough times in his life, that ditching one more wont make much of a dent in his life.

21:26

After Record Number of Children Disappear, Man Arrested With 47 Kids Found Locked In His Basement "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MIAMI, Florida

A Florida man has been charged with felony kidnapping and attempted murder after authorities discovered 47 missing children locked in the basement of his home.

According to police, more than 50 children have been reported missing in Miami since last Monday, and police were at a loss about the disappearances, until a tip lead them to the home of Mario Wilson, 50. Police say that an anonymous call led them to them.

We have no idea who made the call, or how they knew where to find the children, but we are grateful, said police chief Mitch Rogers. We have found 47 of the 52 children reported missing. We are still hunting for the 5 remaining children, and at this point, we have no reason to consider them anything other than missing.

Wilson reportedly was luring children into his home with the prospect of watching an unreleased Pokemon movie, to which every child gleefully ran into the home. Inside, they were disappointed to find that it was just a VHS tape of old recorded episodes.

21:25

Parents Concerned By The Lack of Drugs Found Mixed In With Childrens Halloween Candy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BOSTON, MA

A large group of concerned parents say they are extremely disappointed in the lack of drugs found mixed into their childrens bags after trick-or-treating this year. They say the issue comes because of the scare-tactic posts and clickbait bullshit articles theyve seen posted on their social media pages.

Frankly, I was a little upset that Johnny only came home with a bag of candy, and there were no nugs of weed or gummy bears laced with ecstasy mixed in, said Maria Jones, 38. With all the articles you see floating around every year, and especially this year, I really expected something good to be in the bag. Its a huge letdown.

Frankly, I blame the junkies for all of this, said Chris Richards, 29. We have an increased amount of avid drug users in this city, and so many people are using, theres just nothing left to give the kids anymore during Halloween. It really sucks. My 7-year-old is pleased as shit about the M&Ms, but wheres my MDMA?!

City officials say that this Halloween, like every Halloween throughout history, went off without a hitch, and there were no reported razor blades, needles, or drugs given out during the citys trick-or-treating.

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Tuesday, 23 October

00:49

The Next Big Thing in Las Vegas Escorts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The escort industry is booming, and Las Vegas is the place where things really get hot. This is where you can come if you want runway escorts. The pretty girls that are considered statuesque are coming to Vegas, and they want to make sure that you have a great time. This is why so many people are considering this when they come to this area. When you visit Sin City you have all that you need to get the Las Vegas Asian escorts.

When you come to Las Vegas you are prepared to have a good time. It is easier when you have an escort to have a good time with. There is so much that you can do when you explore the city, but it always feels good to explore with a pretty girl on your arms. The thing about having fun in Vegas is that the party always seems better when you have someone to accompany you. There is no need for you to spend time alone when you can spend time with women that are already ready to have a great time.

There are a lot of business men that come to Las Vegas on business trips. They are not looking to meet a match and marry. They may just be looking for a Las Vegas fun experience that can provide them with a great evening of entertainment. These Las Vegas Escorts have a lot of energy, and they know the city well. They can lead you into some of the best night spots around, and this is always good if Vegas is not your home.

If you are not a native of Las Vegas there is a good chance that you are going to need someone that can help you navigate through the city. That is another reason why these runway escorts are so great. They already have an outline of what the city is about. They know about the places that you can go into and have a great time. This is what helps you carve out a great plan for your time in the sin city. You want to have access to all of the things that are going to make your trip to Nevada worth it.

For some people that go to Las Vegas they are looking for the next best thing. They may have dined at some of their favorite restaurants. Visitors that are coming into town may have also seen some great shows. There are a lot of entertainers that come to Vegas to have concerts and take up a...

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Sunday, 21 October

00:54

Powerful Pickup Strategies You Probably Arent Using "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Talking to women is something that can be overwhelming at first but you get better at it with practice. The first thing that you have to understand is that there is no way to be with every single women. There are going to be women that reject you regardless of how attractive you are and how respectfully that you approach her. But there are surefire ways to get dates with women who happen to be single. There are plenty of women who want men to approach them, but are too nervous to do anything. Thats why theres no shame in giving it a try.

If you want to know How to pickup chicks you should look at the location. You should use different tactics to talk to a woman that you would meet at a church from one that you might meet at a party. This is something that could be a talking point on your date and find great things that they get to find. There are a total amount of things that you could have a conversation about. Though, it could just be light topics when you actually go on the date. Use this method at your discretion.

There are somethings that you shouldnt say while introducing yourself to that woman. The first thing is that you shouldnt say anything degrading or misogynistic if its for comedic intent. If she has something that is cultural or deals with sensitive subject matter, you should avoid talking about that. You should make your intentions clear before you intend on going on a date with a woman. That will make sure that no one is upset when you decide to move forward. Its something that will save the both of you a lot of time. That is something that the both of you should want.

Pick-up lines seem to be the most popular method on How to pickup chicks. They are incredibly playful and humorous, which will set the mood. It will tell a little bit about yourself and usually, the cheesier the better. It is something that will make her laugh and will usually make her more comfortable with talking to you. Now if she likes it, you could continue talking to her or you could make arrangements for your date. The option is left up...

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Sunday, 30 September

23:11

BREAKING: President Trump Gives Full Pardon to Bill Cosby "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

President Trump has reportedly offered comedian Bill Cosby a full pardon, after the fallen star was found guilty of sexual assault and sentenced to 3 to 10 years in prison. Cosby, who is a lifelong friend of President Trump, could have spent his final days in prison had Trump not stepped in.

Bill is absolutely and without a doubt, innocent on all charges, said President Trump. I understand very well how our court system works. I probably understand better than anyone, but that doesnt matter. What matters is that I have met with Bill, we have spoken at length about the accusations against him, and I dont believe a word of them.

Over 60 women came forward to say that Bill Cosby had assaulted them, with many being drugged and raped while unconscious.

We all know women like to gab, and this is a perfect example of why I plan to lower the crimes associated with assault or rape, said Trump. Its obvious in this case that Bill had consensual sex with a woman who later regretted it, and then accused him of rape. Afterwards, of course, dozens of other women knew they could also try and make a dime off the publicity, and accused him as well. Its sickening truly sick how some people think.

Cosby, 81, will be allowed to leave prison on Monday as soon as the pardon is signed.

23:01

President Trump Vows To Lower Severity of Sexual Assault Crimes, Hopes To Make Them Ticketable Offenses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

President Trump said this morning during a press conference that the MeToo movement has gone too far, and that too many honest, hardworking men are being thrown under the bus with lies and malicious intent, and that he plans to spend the rest of his time in office working to reduce the severity of rape and sexual assault charges.

In this world that we live, many men are having their lives ruined by false allegations and exaggerated claims, and its time to put a stop to it, said President Trump. I myself have been wrongly accused of sexual assault, as have many of my close friends, and its sickening. Its terrifying to live as a man right now, and know that at any time, some woman who you may not even know could come forward and say that you forcibly kissed her, or groped her, or that you offered her money to sit on your face, and it could ruin your life. Its disgusting behavior on the part of these women.

Trump went on to say that he felt that the transgressions of young men, if they happen at all, should be forgotten or pushed aside based on the work theyve done and accomplished in the years since.

I will not comment publicly on whether or not I believe Brett Kavanaugh assaulted anyone, even though we all clearly know that he didnt, said President Trump. What I do know is that the accusations are destroying him and his family, and thats not right. Its for MeToo to go away quietly.

President Trump said that he hopes to pass new laws that would decrease the criminal statute that would imprison people like Bill Cosby, who was sentenced to 3-10 years for sexual assault, and instead would allow men who are found guilty to pay a sort of fine, or restitution to the plaintiff.

It  is my hope that my son can grow up in a world where no woman will ever accuse him of touching her inappropriately, whether he did or not, said Trump. I want to keep Making America Great Again, and at this point, this is my number one concern.

22:50

NFLs Carolina Panthers Officially Changes Their Name to Carolina Black Panthers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina  

The NFL has officially signed off on a name change request from the Carolina Panthers franchise, allowing the team to move forward with becoming the Carolina Black Panthers. The name request was submitted during the off-season, with NFL officials deliberating on the option.

We decided to let them go ahead and change the name, as well as the logo, said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. We understand their reasoning after all, the team is made up of predominantly African-American players and we cannot see any reason why this name change would cause any issues.

The new Black Panthers say that they will finish the season with their current attired and logos, and plan for a switch during the 2019 season.

We are very happy with the decision to allow this, said team owner Mario Lewis. I mean, Im not a black guy, but I think its a very powerful statement. I know tons of black people, some of my best friends are black. So this is my way of supporting them, and supporting this team. We really hope that this will bring the fans together, and show them that singular differences are always the most important.

22:36

Brett Kavanaugh Arrested After Night of Heavy Binge Drinking, Public Masturbation at D.C. Dive Bar "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

Brett Kavanaugh, who is currently under scrutiny for allegedly sexually assaulting several women decades ago while drunk in high school, was arrested last night after police were called to local Washington, D.C. dive bar Good Head.

Kavanaugh, who is trying to obtain a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court, was reportedly detained by security after he allegedly removed his penis from his pants, and begin vigorously masturbating in the busy bar, before urinating all over himself, falling into the fetal position, and crying.

When we arrived, Mr. Kavanaugh was beyond drunk, which from recent news reports, is perfectly in line with what we know about him, said police chief Mario Lewis. When we tried to detain him, Mr. Kavanaugh became unruly and violent, and assaulted two of my officers. A third officer was able to tase Mr. Kavanaugh before he caused any more harm or began masturbating again.

Bystanders say that police had to physically carry Kavanaugh from the bar, and that he was screaming and yelling and snarling the entire time. Kavanaugh was held overnight, and released on $20,000 bail.

22:16

Police Officer in Australia Was Beaten and Raped By a Wild Kangaroo "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A police office in Australia was hospitalized with several injuries after he was beaten and sexually assaulted by a wild kangaroo during the course of duty, reports Canberra newspaper The Canberra Times.

Via World News Daily Report:


The attack occurred at 2 am yesterday after police officers responded to residents who were alarmed by an intruder on their property.

Police officers arrived on the scene to find an extremely aggressive kangaroo and attempted to scare away the animal, without success.
He jumped on my partner, kicked him unconscious to the floor and started humping him and attempted to mate with him, Constable Pete Turnbull told reporters.

Constable Malcolm Rudd suffered from two cuts and a black eye as well as multiple concussions to the head after the kangaroo in heat attempted to mate with the officers head.

He was humping and rubbing his penis all over my partners face in a brutal fashion. I had to tase the animal or else he would have killed him Constable Pete Turnbull explained, visibly emotional.

It took several minutes before Constable Turnbull realized that his partner was in trouble as he was dealing with the residents who had called during the assault.

When he was lying unconscious on the ground, it was dark and I thought his head was covered in blood. Thankfully, it was mostly kangaroo sperm, Constable Turnbull told reporters in relief.


 

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Thursday, 05 October

13:23

Illegal Public Displays of Emotion (1970s Public Information) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


In Scarfolk, public displays of emotion were governed by draconian laws. Negative or even ambiguous feelings (such as curiosity and hesitation) were deemed seditious and on-the-spot fines and punishments were often meted out by police (and by the Council Christmas Boy during the season of good will).

Distress (see poster above), a broad term which included "psychological breakdown", "suffering personal injury or attack" and "tutting in a queue at the post office", was considered to be a criticism of the state and therefore treasonous.

The only emotional expression truly free of censure was, according to government guidelines, "an abiding, unmistakable demonstration of pride in Our Joyous State (even if that demonstration requires the forfeiture of one's pride - and/or physical body - for the sake of Our Joyous State)". By 1979, feelings such as scepticism and doubt had been declared acts of terrorism.

These laws permitted police to cast a wide net in their investigations and arrests. Even if citizens did manage to pass the stringent, invasive contentment examinations they were still eligible for arrest if their pets exhibited negative emotions. Records show that many people were detained because of their sulky dogs and there was even one case of an arrest due to a livid tortoise.

See also The Anti-Weeping Campaign, which was aimed at children.

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Thursday, 21 September

18:06

Lavaland Holiday Camp (1970-1970) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


Lavaland was a holiday camp on the outskirts of Scarfolk built around an active volcano, which had been designated an area of outstanding natural peril.


It opened on the first of May 1970 and closed on the first of May 1970, a mere eight hours after opening, following a catastrophic volcanic event that killed nearly three thousand guests and could be heard as far away as the bowling green in Torquay.



The Council's Tourism & Leisure Department claimed that the tragedy was a freak accident that could not have been predicted. It soon became apparent, however, that the victims were people the council had previously tried, unsuccessfully, to evict from the town: children born out of wedlock, foreigners, the poor, people with lisps, and women with ideas of their own, among others.



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Friday, 08 September

11:26

Laissezfaire Childcare (1978) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


In 1978, Scarfolk Health Council launched a campaign which exploited people's fear of children (especially those with uncontrolled supernatural powers), to normalise the idea of letting kids do whatever they want without censure.

It was no accident that the infants in the campaign's various posters were depicted smoking, drinking and licking chocolate-covered asbestos.

A 1979 magazine interview revealed that the campaign had been privately funded by Mrs Bottomlip, a pensioner who worked in the local cancer charity shop on Scarfolk High Street. Her reasons were largely personal. Apart from the fact that she enjoyed her part-time job and "wouldn't ever want it to end because one meets such lovely people and it gets me out of the house", her son worked for a cancer research institute. Mrs Bottomlip was concerned that he, along with a whole generation of scientists and support staff, could find themselves out of work unless the number of people developing cancer was maintained, or preferably raised.

For her support of cancer research, the institute presented her with an award, which, unbeknownst to science at the time, was made from highly carcinogenic materials. 

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Friday, 01 September

12:13

Play Safe Public Information Campaign (1979) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

 

While the state frequently warned children about the dangers of playing on icy ponds, near electrical substations and in open-air, biological weapons laboratories, it failed to take into consideration the decade's plethora of science fiction films and TV programmes, which inspired space-themed games up and down the country.

Scarfolk children, who were known to take greater risks during play, initiated an unfortunate trend that started claiming lives. In 1977, two schoolboys from Scarfolks Junior Indoctrination Facility dared each other to endure the harsh extremities of space. Their corpses were eventually located drifting a few hundred miles from earth by tracking the surveillance devices that had been implanted in their frontal lobes at birth.

Concerned parents demanded that the state act immediately. Two years later, (and only after the government realised its child labour factories were losing a steady flow of under-10s), a public information campaign was launched which warned minors about leaving the earth's atmosphere (see poster above). Scarfolk Council also laid many miles of high-altitude, electrified fencing to repel innocent children who might unwittingly stray into outer space.

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Sunday, 27 August

10:55

Scargos Mail-Order Catalogue (1977) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

[click to enlarge]

Mail-order catalogues were very popular in the 1970s, so much so that Scarfolk Council carefully monitored them to ensure all the products promoted and maintained the state's social agendas.

Anybody who contravened the attitude regulations of the day was shipped to a makeshift island three miles off the coast and enrolled in reeducation classes that employed electrodes and toxin-dipped knitting needles as teaching aids.

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Thursday, 17 August

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Friday, 04 August

12:42

The Gullibility Campaign (1976) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"


In 1976, the government informed citizens that gullibility was a contagious disease. The Dept. of Health warned that it was spread through the handling of so-called 'clever books' or by talking to people who were not approved by the state. Libraries, bookshops and schools closed overnight.

The department also disseminated the notion that gullibility could be inadvertently caught by coming into contact with airborne ideas. People were told to stay at home. One leaflet read: "All the information you will ever need will be presented to you via the state-controlled newspaper The Scarfolk Mail and the one and only state-run TV channel, which is decontaminated daily."

When the Dept. of Health realised just how successful the campaign was, it added that gullibility also led sufferers to forget serious crimes they had previously committed. This permitted the council to impose hefty fines and other arbitrary punishments (see poster above).

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Wednesday, 19 July

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Wednesday, 07 June

23:43

Buttcoin is pooped. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This blog is now in archive-only mode! We have new outlets for expressing our excitement and contempt for all forms of cryptocurrency now!

You can follow us and laugh along with Bitcoin and other cryptocurrency projects on our twitter, @Buttcoin.

You can also talk with other global banking shills on our subreddit, /r/Buttcoin.

While we are officially putting the blog out to pasture, Buttcoin is not dead. We still hate you all.

The post Buttcoin is pooped. appeared first on Buttcoin Foundation.

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Thursday, 01 June

15:59

Tennis Australia Confirms All Tennis Courts to be Renamed as Tennis Goolagongs "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a unprecedented move, Tennis Australia has taken the initiative in light of the backlash against Margaret Courts widely publicised stance on gay marriage by renaming all tennis courts across the nation as tennis goolagongs.

We didnt want to be associated with any of Margaret Courts homophobia, said a spokeperson for Tennis Australia. We noticed a huge drop of tennis being played over the last few days purely because tennis court shares its name with Margaret Court. So something had to be done.

Evonne Goolagong is a perfect replacement she won a bunch of majors, isnt racist or homophobic and isnt a raving lunatic, added the spokesperson. Plus tennis goolagong is just more fun to say.

In addition, there have been concerns voiced by World No.1 Andy Murray that tennis players trying to boycott Margaret Court Arena at the Australian Open would cause scheduling chaos.

It is believed that the short priced favourite amongst punters is the replacement name Tina Arenas Tiny Arena.

Margaret Court was contacted for this story, but has yet to make any official comment.  After she stated that she would not fly Qantas due to their stance on gay marriage, apparently she has been out of contact while flying back from Perth on her broomstick.

 

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Wednesday, 17 May

01:28

BUSTED: If You Google obama is an american citizen, his birth certificate is real, and he is not a lizard person, NOTHING COMES UP "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Every good independent researcher knows that Google.com is the EPITOME OF RESEARCH.

I use Google nearly every day. Its great for finding even the most obscure information, like how to claim the warranty on a burner phone thats been prematurely tossed into the ocean. Today, I sought out Google to study the theory that Obama is an american citizen, his birth certificate is real, and he is not a lizard person, I never thought it could be this obvious, but heres what Google returned:

No results found for obama is an american citizen, his birth certificate is real, and he is not a lizard person

UNBELIEVABLE. If this very same site was able to retrieve 15,000 results for hillary clinton sex traffic ring, the absence of information about Obama is more than just a red flag. Its a red flag with the words I FUCKING KNEW IT printed on it.

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But I didnt have the money to customize & order the flag because I was appealing the  burner phone warranty claim that was UNJUSTLY denied. If huge answers like this are sitting right in front of my internet browser, waiting just for a simple Google search to be uncovered, what else could I find? The answer: way more information than I was ready for. The same night, I performed all of the following searches (multiple times to be sure):

If I vaccinate my children, theres absolutely no way they will develop autism

ISIS was NOT created as a special US program to topple the Syrian government

7-Eleven had nothing to do with the 9-Eleven attacks

None of these yield...

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Tuesday, 16 May

02:50

EXPOSED: Me In The Wal-Mart Parking Lot "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Lets REALLY crack the lid open on THIS one: THE CLOTHES HIDING MY NUDE BODY.

The modesty (and regular) police have stepped in to shut down the art that is the human body. Yours truly, a sovereign citizen, has been arrested for indecent exposure. Well I say that it was perfectly decent, so decent that I am often complimented on it.

So, no, excuse YOU, officer! The sign says No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service it speaks nothing about pants! I once saw a woman take her breast out in public and force a baby to suck on it! Now that is an affront to decency! What a double standard.

Sure, I may have been high on paint fumes from making a Wake Up Sheeple sign in my poorly ventilated garage when I went to Wal-Mart to buy more spray paint. And yes, I may have been kicked out of that Wal-Mart for, as the police report states, rambling incoherently, trying to eat bird seed, and removing his sweatpants & underwear. But that doesnt give you the right to stop me from expressing myself!

I thought progressives believed in full expression of the human spirit? Hypocrites.

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If I am perfectly free to text a photo of my genitals to anonymous women on Tinder I dont know why I cant give them a live show as they load groceries into their Prius. I thought we, as a culture, dont see gender anymore? So how could the physical expression of my gender possibly offend anyone when technically it was invisible to Liberal eyes?

I yelled at them to explain that but nobody would look at me. Cowards.

This is all a liberal witch hunt! The nazis that run my town have been waiting for me to slip up even in the slightest. I bet if I was a black transgendered lesbian the workers at Subway would have applauded when I pressed my naked ass against their window.

And to the college girls who laughed at me before my arrest I will have you know that the human body is a beautiful thing, no matter what shape and size.

Why else would Dove make those small shampoo bottles if not to celebrate my penis?

For more information about EXPOSING LIES (AND PENISES), follow on Facebook at...

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Monday, 15 May

00:06

What Isnt Chelsea Clinton Telling Us About 1998 Rush Hour Kidnappings? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Put another scandal on the board for the Clintons. This one could be bigger than Benghazi.

In the original investigation of the 1998 Rush Hour kidnapping, POC special agent James Carter spells out ONE name: Chelsea Clinton. The first and only known demon-spawn of Shillary and Slick Willie Clinton.

Watch the documentary footage of the hostage negotiation below.

Man, who you think you kidnapped, Chelsea Clinton?!

That is some serious codewords folks. Anyone who has ever valued a blue life will know that that translates directly to Chelsea Clinton Is Our Main Suspect. You dont even need to be an operator in the forces to know that one! All the indicators are right there.

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If thats not bad enough, imagine how China feels about this. They have to watch Chelsea Clinton run for president (its gonna happen, folks!) knowing that she still has their Consuls daughter chained up in the basement of a Comet Ping Pong, only being let out when someone orders the Sushi Pizza (WHICH IS ALSO CODE FOR UNSPEAKABLE CRIMES AGAINST CHILDREN)

Even more disturbing? Chelsea Clinton was born in 1980, which means she was BARELY AN ADULT when she pulled this stunt off. Imagine how powerful she has become in the years since especially if she has been harvesting life force from the Consuls daughter, which is obviously likely considering her moms connection to John Podesta and his goat blood fetish that PROBABLY INVOLVES CHILDREN.

So why hasnt there been a full scale investigation? Probably because Mommy and Daddy have been pulling the strings on the whole world. Thats why Hillary lost the election, she didnt have enough time...

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Friday, 12 May

03:29

WHITE GENOCIDE? Three Black Guys My Sister Has Dated "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Most folks in the CUCK, GLOBALIST, SHELLFISH-AVOIDING mainstream media dont believe that White Genocide is a real problem.

Really? Heres proof that it isthree African-American men who attempted to dilute and destroy my familys glorious Aryan bloodline by going out with my sister:

NUMBER ONE
Tyrone Wilson Tyrone goes to college during the day then works at the dry cleaners down the street from my house at night, and I DONT TRUST HIM. He also listens to hip hop, and even owns an early 1980s car! Every time I go to pick up my clothes down the street, he smiles this big toothy smile at me that gives me goosebumpsAnd apparently seduces my sister into annihilating the White Race!

NUMBER TWO
Dave ChappelleComedian, actor, and writer Dave Chappelle briefly dated my sister in the summer of 2003 and, let me tell you, it was NO LAUGHING MATTER. When it came to my familys pure blood and European culture, let me tell you, he was really KILLING EM SOFTLY.

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NUMBER THREE
Marcus HowardMy sister and Marcus met on Match.com over a shared love of Italian food and 70s movies. Things got really serious between them, and after two short months they moved into a cozy little apartment together and bought a cat. But when Marcus was offered a lucrative job at a business consulting firm in Hong Kong, they both decided he was too young to give up the opportunity to save their relationship. I think it was the only time my sister was TRULY IN LOVE.

All examples of attempted White Genocide that were COVERED UP by the PROGRESSIVE MEDIA. Their corporate lackeys have scared my sister so much that she REFUSES to talk to me about it anymore.

For more information about MY BEAUTIFUL WHITE SISTER, follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang.





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Thursday, 11 May

04:07

CONSPIRACY: Vegenaise is HORSE CUM "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I may have uncovered the greatest corporate conspiracy yet: vegan mayonnaise designated Vegenaise is secretly HORSE SEMEN. IVE DONE THE RESEARCH.

Mayonnaise is my primary food source next to Mountain Dew and Taquitos (provided they are microwave safe and not made by actual Mexicans.) I eat it straight out of the jar to gain strength, stamina and virility. So any bastardization of my beloved favorite food offends me to no end, especially if that bastardization was created by GODLESS VEGANS. After extensive testing and speculation I have finally figured out whats in this mysterious substance vegans call a mayonnaise substitute. Lets review the facts:

  1. Vegans dont eat Mayonnaise or anything patriotic.
  2. Vegans want animals to be happy despite GODS PLAN for them to be sad food
  3. Vegenaise is viscous and salty

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There is only one super obvious conclusion here: VEGENAISE IS HORSE CUM. Look, there is nothing vegans like more than making sure animals are happier than me. Every time a vegan father pets a dog it is a PERSONAL AFFRONT to my un-patted head. (And every time a football coach pets a goat it is a PERSONAL AFFRONT to my unpatted butt, DARRYL!) Vegans want to please animals in every way possible. Thats the ONLY explanation for why I picture a vegan woman sensually massaging horses every night when Im trying to sleep. I know it. Thats why I conducted a taste test.

I tasted various materials from lead paint, white out, rubber cement, horse cum, almond milk, and the topical cortisone cream for that thing I have. Then I compared their tastes to regular mayonnaise and Vegenaise. It was VERY difficult to stomach these substances, ESPECIALLY the almond milk. But I did it to prove a point. And that point is that Vegenaise is definitely horse cum. From a palom...

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Wednesday, 10 May

04:40

OK, Womans Equality: Where is MY Gynecologist? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If youlike a few old friends of minehave been living alone in a rusted out 1986 Ford Taurus for decades, then let me bring you up to speed. Women have been increasingly complain-y about something called EQUALITY. Basically, FEMINISTS are saying men AND women should be equal

Today Im writing to let you everyone know Ive devised an experiment to shut down this insane idea once and for all. I, a VIRILE PENIS-HAVING man, attempted to get WOMENS SERVICES from a WOMAN DOCTOR (gynecologist for my degreed readers).

Here are some of the things I tried:

Planned Parenthood is basically the Mecca (OH NO) of liberal female healthcare. The terrible organization nevertheless ADVERTISES SERVICES TO VULNERABLE MEN like STD and cancer screenings. HOWEVER, when I called them to ask about these man services, all they told me was stop screaming.

STRIKE ONE.

The next day I went to a local womens clinic. Another equality sham. No matter how many times I asked, they WOULD NOT give me an abortion. Now, OBVIOUSLY I am against abortion (my view is that all women should have sex with me but also be punished for it), but I did this FOR SCIENCE. So much for men=women, eh?

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STRIKE TWO.

Finally, I went to the office of a gynecologist and ran in with my penis in hand. AFTER EVERYONE FINISHED CLAPPING I was told there was nothing medical they could do for it. Okay maybe part of that one was made up, but I think what it tells up about womens equality is still useful.

STRIKE THREE. ALRIGHT, EQUALITY, YOURE OUT.

Was there really any questions of this? If men and women have different doctors then how can they have SAME RIGHTS? Its Adam and Eve, not Adam and ADAM (this makes sense if you think about it!!) CHECKMATE, Feminists.

For more information about UNFAIR GENDER EQUALITY, follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang.






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Tuesday, 09 May

05:38

Open Mics, CLOSED MINDS: Free Speech UNDER FIRE: Conservatism UNDER ATTACK: Government Overreach GONE TOO FAR: Your Rights Are Being TRAMPLED ON: Liberal Cuck Snowflake TAKE OVER CAMPUS: They Want to Take Away YOUR GUNS: No, I Am NOT READY to Place My Order at This Wendys "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I just got back from an incident where LIBERAL SCUM silenced me from using an open mic to workshop my conservative manifesto.

Luckily the incident was caught on a security camera and I am able to transcribe my BRILLIANT DEFENSE. Due to an UNCONSTITUTIONAL PRIOR RESTRAINING ORDER, I am unable to name the assailants that attacked my free speech.

Ladies and gentlemen, Im here tonight to read from the first draft of my untitled manifesto. Introduction: The deep state government overreach is everywhere-

Unnamed Employee confronts me

Miss, you left this microphone unattended, which by common law makes it an OPEN MIC! As I was saying: Your rights as a citizen are being trampled! Take the CUCKS in my neighborhood watch group who want to put away my guns -

Unnamed Employee interrupts

No, Miss, I am NOT READY to place my order at this Wendys. Cant you see a MAN in reading his MANifesto!

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Unnamed Employee threatens me

Why, yes, maybe you can bring your MANager out so we can talk! Sorry for that interruption, folks. Dont leave yet! How about I read from my chapter about LIBERAL CUCK SNOWFLAKES taking over college campuses: The college campus used to be a place where the greatest minds of WESTERN CIVILIZATION came together -

WOMANager rudely interrupts

Excuse me, I was under the impression that I was to be met by a MANager, not a WOMANager. Dont you agree the latter sounds ridiculous?.

WOMANager rebuts me

Sure, call the police!

Officer arrives

Thank god youre here, officer. Yes, there has been a disturbance of the RIGHT to PEACEFULLY ASSEMBLE and use my free speech!

Officer rebuts me

No, I will NOT go QUIETLY, I plead the FIRST AMENDMENT!

Officer reads me my Miranda rights

On advice of my public defender I unable to further elaborate...

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Monday, 08 May

04:06

TRAGIC: France Votes to Remain the Gayest Country "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Some things will just never change. Yesterday, France decisively voted to remain the Gayest Country on Earth.

The historically cuckold nation first managed to find a guy who was less of a man than the woman he was running against, and then went ahead and voted for him anyways.

Say what you want about the legitimacy of female leadership, but at least Marine Le Pen had the common sense to know that the globalist, gay, and Muslim agenda threatens the very foundation of the Western world freedom and democracy, ideas that the French famously stole from America.

Heres all you need to know about Frances new president, Emmanuel Macron: he married a woman who is twenty-four years his senior. Im not saying that raises questions about his sexuality, but folks, I think it answers some. Also, his wife teaches literature in Paris, which is the gayest job on earth.

WHAT NOW?

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Fortunately, France is a nation of pussies and they cant do anything to us. I mean have these guys ever won a war? Seriously, any type of war at any point in history. Even just an imperialist conquest on their own continent. Youd have to be a moron to think they have.

With that being said, I never stopped calling them freedom fries but if you did its time to start doing that again.

America is in good hands. I fully expect Macron to wet himself if he ever has the courage to meet with President Trump. Still, given the nefarious nature of the globalist, it wouldnt be a bad idea to arm the Statue of Liberty the ultimate symbol of isolationist American nationalism. An AR-15 should suffice.

Ill close by saying this directly to the people of France: if you ever find yourselves up against a powerful nation led by some so...

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Friday, 05 May

03:38

GAY FROG AGENDA: This Famous Homosexual Frog Has Been Indoctrinating Kids For Decades "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This gay-frog-chemical fiasco may go back EVEN FURTHER THAN WE THOUGHT.

New evidence shows that Looney Tunes cast member and WB spokesanimal Michigan J. Frog may have been teaching our youth to love the DECADENT GAY LIFESTYLE since the Eisenhower administration.

This heinous frog first appeared in the 1955 Looney Tunes short One Froggy Evening. I cant say this is a surprise. Looney Tunes is no stranger to depravity. The organization has showcased all sorts of GODLESS DISPLAYS, like the interspecies love triangle between a man, a rabbit, and a virile young duck. JUST A FEW OF MANY OTHERS AWFUL SEXUALLY CHARGED ANIMALS.

Some of you truth seekers are rightly asking, Mr. Ben, how do you know the nefarious Michigan J. Frog is GAY?

THE EVIDENCE IS EVERYWHERE.

First, you might notice the frogs love of musical theater. He sings, dances, and acts! Straight men can only do at most TWO of those three things. A triple threat is actually a QUADRUPLE threat (where the fourth threat is CONTAGIOUS HOMO SEXUALITY). Also, one might notice the frogs middle name is J. One of only three letters that rhymes with gay!!! SNEAKY.

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During the Clinton years, this terrible frog was even the face of the WB, a network aimed at VULNERABLE TEENS. The goal, I assume, was to soften THE TEENS up with Dawsons Creek, then, BAM, our flamboyant amphibian queen shows up and makes them gay!

Thankfully the frogs reign is over now. I CAN ONLY SAY SO MUCH, BUT: it is not coincidence that the WB shut down shortly after 9/11.

So what does it mean for us today? Well, Truth Fans I worry this 1950s evidence shows us we may be TOO LATE. How long has this travesty been going on???

For more information about GAY FROGS DESTROYING OUR YOUTH follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang. #GayFrogWeek





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03:21

WARNING: Chemicals in the Water Could Turn CRAZY FROG Gay and Wait OH MY GOD IS THAT HIS WIENER?! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Lets be clear here: The world Governments have put Chemicals in the water that are proven to convert frogs to homosexuals in part of their GAY CONVERSION AGENDA.

 

Innocent, unsuspecting frogs, such as Crazy Frog, shown here, are now being made victims of a reckless and unchecked Shadow Government, This Crazy Frog is now CRAZY for COCK!

Hold on zoom in.

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Thursday, 04 May

05:18

INDOCTRINATION: How the Gay Frog Lobby Uses LEAPFROG to Trick Our Kids "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We all know that the water is turning the frogs gay. Thats science. All that info has come out. They brag about it. But now were learning how deep this goes.

Folks, independent research has lead us to believe and no one else is reporting this that the gay frogs (who were made that way by water) are working to not only turn other frogs gay, but now our children.

The way they do it? Leapfrog.

When I was a kid, leapfrog was a healthy american game for children. I remember playing it with friends, like Brian. Now, its been perverted by the liberal-endorsed gay frog lobby.

In my youth, young Brian and I would spend hours on the playground, leaping over each other, his beautiful blonde hair blowing in the wind. Now, the game is for Backlickers, closet Toad Boys, and the disgusting, slimy, green-skinned gay frog banditos.

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I miss when America was my America. And leap frog was my leap frog. And Brian was my Brian.

Gay Frog money has been slowly seeping into each and every local school board election for years, just like the radioactive waves coming off of the cell phone you are reading this blog on right now. Now, that cancerous tumor of gay frog slime has metastasized, turning leapfrog into a gateway drug to full on, bareback thrusting.

Thats why Ive pulled my son out of school and locked him in his room, where I know he is safe forever.

For more information about GAY LIBERAL FROGS INDOCTRINATING CHILDREN follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang. #GayFrogWeek


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04:55

REPORT: Gay Frogs Not Gay, Just Drunk and Experimenting "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After PRIVATELY FUNDED research, it has been discovered that frogs have not become gay due to chemtrail pollution; the frogs have just gotten drunk and experimenting. This has been confirmed by hundreds of hours of study at the frog pond behind my aunts place.

I concluded that the frogs were smashed by observing their behavior. Instead of leaping high in the air over each other as leapfrog teaches us they do, the frogs were just stumbling about, sitting and staring forever, or making little WUSSY hops. Also they stuck their tongues out a lot, which anyone whos been to a house party will tell you is something drunks are always doing.

In hindsight it should have been obvious. Those Budweiser frogs from the Super Bowl commercials (49ERS FUCK YEAH!) were clearly a sign that the frogs were connected to the secretly gay brewing industry. This is the sort of thing you learn about our gay corporate paymasters when you see them warts and all!

That or they know they can high by licking each other and then accidentally get gay in the process.

Also it makes sense because frogs, mice, rabbits, and all other small animals like that were put on this Earth to be used for science experiments. So experimenting is in their DNA! Only the bleeding heart LIBTARDS dont know that!

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All the information gathered from this is very positive. For one thing it means we wont need any regulations that KILL JOBS because the chemicals arent doing the gay harm we thought they were doing. We also totally cant hold it against Republican heroes who get found having sex with gay prostitutes because they were only drunk! You cant hold that against them, just like you cant hold it against a man when he gets drunk off the gay-inducing Budweiser cause it was the only beer left in the cooler!

And then he saw all the ALPHA MALES who would TOTALLY be his Bros once they got to know him! You cant fucking blame him for he found fantasizing about what it would be like if he were alone with only one or two of...

04:42

IF MY FROG EVER COMES OUT AS GAY I HOPE HE GETS HIT BY A CAR "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

IM VERY DRUNK BUT IF MY PET FROG JUMPY EVER COMES OUT OF THE WATER-CLOSET (OR WHATEVER THEY HAVE IN PONDS) AS A GAY FROG I HOPE HE GETS HIT BY ONE OF THOSE NEON CARS INSTEAD OF COMING HOME AND TELLING ME.

LISTEN I AM A VERY LOVING PERSON BUT SOME THINGS JUST ARENT RIGHT AND ONE OF THOSE IS GAY FROG SEX (UNLESS IT IS BETWEEN TWO FEMALE FROGS THEN IT IS JUST HOT)

SO MUCH FOR THE TOLERANT LEFT: WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BEING TOLERANT OF MY FEELINGS? SORRY I FEEL THAT FROGS SHOULD BE STRAIGHT AND THAT IF THEY ARENT THEY SHOULD BE HIT BY CARS. THAT IS JUST MY OPINION AND OPINIONS ARE STILL PROTECTED BY THE CONSTITUTION.

TO BE CLEAR: I WANT HIM TO BE HIT BY A CAR BECAUSE I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY HE WOULD DIE BY MISSING A LOG AND THEN FALLING INTO THE WATER. FROGS CAN SWIM IN WATER. IN FACT, LOTS OF FROGS SWIM IN WATER AND THEN USE IT AS A CONDUIT TO HAVE SEX WITH MALE FROGS AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE IT IS WRONG.

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IS IT UNHEALTHY THAT SOMETIMES I PLAY FROGGER AND PRETEND ALL THE FROGS ARE GAY AND PURPOSEFULLY HOP THEM INTO CARS? ABSOLUTELY NOT! HOW I PROCESS MY FEELINGS IS BETWEEN ME AND JUMPY.

UNLESS JUMPY IS SECRETLY GAY THEN HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO.

For more information about GAY CUCKED FROGS follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang. #GayFrogWeek






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Wednesday, 03 May

04:53

RETROSPECTIVE: Remembering the 90s, When FROGS Were MEN "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its NO WONDER that the frogs of today have turned into such mincing, effeminate WIMPS they dont know anything about the super-hetero, all-American TOAD MODELS I grew up with.

The 90s were a better time, and not just because of Dale Earnhardt and the Iraq War (the GOOD one).

It was a time when an impressionable young frog could turn on the TV and receive a full FACE-BLAST OF MAN JUICE from the burly, ass-kicking HORNY TOADS that dominated the airwaves like SLIMY SEX ICONS.

Remember the BATTLETOADS? Three RIPPED amphibi-bros that look like a cross between JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME and those hunky CANE TOADS that drove the Gay Frog Mafia out of AUSTRALIA. They murdered Communist pigs, tag-teamed a princess, and SAVAGELY ASSAULTED A LESBIAN QUEEN. Imagine a modern, sissy, I sometimes change sexes to further species-wide reproductive efforts
BULL(DYKE)FROG doing THAT!

Then there was DIGEM, the Sugar Smacks MAN-scot. There was no PLEASE with Digem he just DUGEM, whether the PC police liked it or not.

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Digem must have slipped some serious RED PILLS into his cereal, because he didnt even BUYEM like a sexy tornado of TESTOSTERONE, Digem BROKE INTO PEOPLES HOUSES, FUCKED UP their CATS, and STOLE the precious Sugar Smacks before SELLING THEM TO CHILDREN. I keep a few hundred boxes of Sugar Smacks in the bunker as a tribute to Digem, a true capitalist LEGEND.

And who could forget the BUDWEISER FROGS? Bud, Weis, and Er were my best friends growing up, and nowadays no one gives them credit for introducing a whole generation of children to GOOD, WHOLESOME, AMERICAN BEER. Were it not for them, kids like me could have ended up drinking IMPORTED PISSWATER. I thank the Bud Frogs for inspiring me to teach my kids to DRINK AMERICAN before the Gay Agenda can BRAINWASH them with their Neil Patrick GAY-rris HEINEKEN commercials.

Without the Bud Frogs, todays tadpoles have grown up drinking WATER, and we all know how THAT turned out (ANSWER:...

04:44

"IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The government is putting CHEMICALS in the water to turn the FROGS GAY but that doesnt mean we cant put PRAYER in the FROGS to turn them back STRAIGHT.

It was the right call for our family, especially for Jumper. Ever since he got loose and we found him in our local pond next to the government water treatment plant, he hasnt been acting himself. (WHICH I AM SURE WAS A COINCIDENCEIM BEING SARCASTIC HERE)

One day I was cleaning his tank and found beneath some rocks the entire Mariah Carey discography on vinyl. And if you ask me, theres no worse sin a frog can commit than that of homoambipisexuality.

Suddenly our beloved Jumper was bringing other gay frogs back to his place to engage in what I can only describe as WILD DRUG-FUELED AMPHIBIOUS SEX ORGIES.

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The last straw was seeing my darling son, Chester, witness Jumper upside down blowing one frog while two other frogs held him up and ate his ass.

That was when we decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH and had a family meeting where we all agreed it was best for Jumper to rediscover his straightness that we all missed.

And so we grabbed a large rock and smashed him to death.

We bought a another frog told our son it was Jumper. A Jumper that would follow the rules of the Bible. A Jumper that was only attracted to lady frogs. A Jumper that would be a model for Chesters own sexual development.

For more information about GAY FROG CONVERSION THERAPY follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang. #GayFrogWeek





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04:07

FROG AGENDA: Coastal Froggets Recruiting Tadpoles in Next PIZZAGATE "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You thought #PizzaGate was bad? What about the government putting chemicals in the water to turn the frogs gay? WELL IT TURNS OUT THEYRE CONNECTED.

I have a sizable bog on my property that I use to practice my survivalist techniques and tactical maneuvering for the day the war on Christmas turns violent. Well I was out hip-deep in the muck when I noticed a coupla American bullfrogs Id never noticed before. CERTAINLY WERENT ANY OF MY FROGS.

You see, I plan to train a race of watchfrogs, in the event of a globalist invasion. But all my frogs are tadpoles, and these interlopers were doing things I certainly didnt want any of my PRECIOUS FROG CHILDREN to see.

So I did what any sensible man would do: I followed these deviant frogs of bitches back to whatever hole they came from and the things I saw TURNED MY STOMACH. Right in the middle of the woods at the back end of MY PROPERTY, there was a TEENY TINY FROG-SIZED PIZZA SHOP.

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Im not a crass man, Im not mean, but by God, the things they were doing with those tadpoles was DAMN disgusting. I ran back home as fast as I could, but it was too late, those froggets turned my tadpoles gayer than a five dollar bill (do an alta-vista search for Abraham Lincoln sex pervert and youll know what I mean).

So now my tadpoles wont grow up to be the strong watchfrogs I need them to be. The pervert sodomite croakalists will not relent. THEY CAME FOR THE TADPOLES AND I SAY NOT TODAY! Im burning my bog to the GROUND before I let my tadpoles grow up to be the kind of PC-culture, safe space-loving, frog-sucking LEFTISTS that the coastal elites tell them they need to be!

For more information about GAY FROG PIZZAGATE follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang. #GayFrogWeek

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Tuesday, 02 May

04:20

WATER TURNING FROGS GAY: IS PEPE SAFE? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I have been worried SICK since Alex Jones broke the news about chemical water turning the friggin frogs gay. Mostly for AMERICA but also for ONE FROG IN PARTICULAR: Sweet Pepe.

Pepe is the most important frog (sorry, frog from the Sugar Smacks box, you will always be my friend). I have been unable to sleep, worrying IF PEPE IS SAFE FROM THE GAY FROG WATER. Is he? Most say yes, since he is a cartoon, but who can know for sure?

A noble cartoon frog BEING BADLY AND UNFAIRLY TURNED GAY BY NO-GOOD GOVERNMENT CHEMICALS wouldnt be that nuts! Crazier conspiracies have happened: the moon landing, Pearl Harbor, the goblin-like birthday clown who mocked me by stealing and returning my nose.

If you are a scientist (a good one who knows the truth about our cooling planet) please please message me. I know cartoon water exists because of SPONGEBOB. What I need to know is if cartoon water can affect cartoon frogs??? HOW DO YOU PUT CHEMICALS IN CARTOON WATER? WE CANT EVEN USE JET FUEL TO MELT STEEL BEAMS.

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The very absence of an answer is EVIDENCE IT MIGHT BE HAPPENING.

Until I get THE ANSWERS I NEED, I will be working hard keeping the wonderful Pepe safe! I will draw him with bottles of SAFE, DISTILLED (AMERICAN) WATER! Plus sometimes I will draw him wearing armor in the form of straight, hyper-hetero MAN outfits, like the uniform of a construction worker, naval officer, or even a mighty Indian war chief.

Pepe is the foundation of our modern political order. If Pepe becomes gay EVERYTHING BECOMES GAY.

For more information about PRECIOUS FROG HEROES TURNING GAY follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang. #GayFrogWeek






The post...

04:12

PROOF: Frogs Turning Gay is a CHOICE "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Frogs being gay is a CHOICE, and I can prove it.

You know me. Im loving and compassionate. You do you, and dont get in anyones way, and youre fine by me. But you cant convince me for one doomsday-preppin second that homosexuality in frogs is natural.

So lets get into it.

Exhibit 1: The MALE FROG:

As you can see, the male frog leaves very little to be desired. It has a gross anus, legs that make me think of the French, and a variety of other flaws. How a male frog could be attracted to another male frog is BEYOND ME. Especially when you consider whats available to the male frog in the opposite sex.

Exhibit 2: The FEMALE FROG:

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03:56

COMIC TRAGEDY: MARVEL ANNOUNCES NEXT CAPTAIN AMERICA IS A GAY FROG "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Comic books are the last great American cultural export that hasnt been SJWd to death by the blue-haired and blue-balling feminist women of the left but theyve finally given in: CAPTAIN AMERICA IS A GAY FROG.

For decades, when I bought a Marvel comic I knew I could count on a white guy doing awesome stuff entirely by himself and answering to no one, ESPECIALLY NOT THE GOVERNMENT (#TEAMIRONMAN).

So imagine my surprise when I go to the local comic store to purchase some HEROIC PATRIOTISM and I see the shelves stocked with a bunch of women, black people and worst of all, my beloved Captain America REPLACED BY A GODDAMN GAY FROG.

Captain America is supposed to stand for Truth, Justice and the American Way NONE OF WHICH A GAY FROG IS CAPABLE OF BECAUSE THEY ARE SINFUL BEASTS. You cant just change Captain America to be whatever the hell you want it to be. It would be like suddenly deciding he was secretly a Nazi the whole time. REALITY DOESNT CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.

Now, before the PC Police come and an write me a ticket requiring me to buy a Roxane Gay book, let me make it clear I am totally fine with gay frogs playing a role in Marvel Comic books.

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Id gladly pay money to watch Aryan heroes like Iron Man, Thor, Hawkeye, Spider-Man, Doctor Strange, The Hulk (I could go on and on, there are so many glorious white heroes in the Marvel canon) go to town (IN A NON-SEXUAL WAY) on an army of gay frogs hellbent on destroying America. It would be more compelling than another goddamn arc about the Krell.

If gay frogs want to have a superhero, MAKE YOUR OWN. Dont ruin decades of history just to push your SJW agenda, just start your own comic book franchise called Gay Frog Man or Adventures of the Magical Frogget or whatever.

Because comic books arent about...

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Monday, 01 May

05:05

WATER IS TURNING FROGS GAY AND NOW THEY WANT THEIR OWN BATHROOMS "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We all know that the U.S. government is putting chemicals in the water to turn the friggin frogs gay but this has gone TOO FAR: now they are saying they should get to use their own BATHROOMS?!

This is absolutely DISGUSTING. The bathroom is a sacred place where men can be men and women can be women. As we all learned during the debacle with the TRANSGENDER BATHROOM scandal, having access to whatever bathroom you want legitimizes a mental illness more than ANYTHING ELSE.

So if these SICKO MENTALLY ILL FROGS keep having sex with frogs of the same gender INSTEAD OF OPPOSITE GENDER like nature intended, they better learn to keep pooping and peeing in the water or each others mouths or whatever the friggin fuck gay frogs do.

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Personally, if I was a frog, Id be MORE THAN SATISFIED with frog vagina because Im not some SICK MONSTER living in SIN.

If you ask me, frog asshole is disgusting. Unless, of course, its a womens.

So lets do a quick quiz. Where should you go the bathroom?

If youre a man..Mens Bathroom
If youre a woman.Womens Bathroom
If youre a transgender person.Trick question, you dont exist
If youre a gay frog..NOT NEAR ME OR MY FAMILY
If youre a regular frogWomens Bathroom

For more information about this GAY FROGS DESTROYING OUR CULTURE follow on Facebook at Lizard People of NY or Twitter @realTruthBang. #GayFrogWeek






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Wednesday, 22 February

02:48

House-Sized Meteorite to Hit Australia "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NASAs New Warning System Has Spotted an Incoming Asteroid NASAs new space-monitoring system has detected a large asteroid hurtling towards Earth, which is scheduled to potentially hit in the next few weeks. The asteroid, which was first spotted last week, is estimated to hit the earth directly to NSW Australia thanks to NASAs new software, we []

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Wednesday, 08 February

05:32

Trump Vows to Send Statue of Liberty Back to France "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Just dont worry about it.We have to be tough, its time were going to be a little bit tough, folks. I am going to build a new Statue of Liberty. Its going to be bigger. So big. So big they can see it in Iran. And Im gonna have a new model. A gorgeous girl."

05:30

Betsy DeVos Bans Teaching in Classrooms "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

During the press conference DeVos stated, Learning needs be better. This less confusing for students. Enlightening good. Jesus good. Trump good. Goodbye.

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Tuesday, 07 February

13:37

Corey Worthington Offers to Post on Myspace to Help Cory Bernardi Get People to his Party "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With the news that Cory Bernardi was to defect from the Liberals and set up his own party called the Australian Conservatives, the question on everyones mind in the Liberal party room was: who was going to Corys party?

So far none of the Liberals have given any indication they will be jumping ship.

Thats when Corey Worthington offered his unique set of skills to the similarly named politician Cory.

Corey Worthington knows the perils of having your own party better than almost anyone else. He shot to fame as a teenager when he promoted a house party on MySpace after his parents went abroad in 2008, later admitting it got a bit out of hand.

A party of one is pretty lame brah, Corey said. But dont worry, I can make sure you get lots of people to your party.

Ill just put up a quick post on myspace, and next thing you know there will be a bunch of cunts drinking your piss smashing your shit and having a fucking mad time.

Just dont fucking call the cops, he added. Or my parents.

 

 

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Saturday, 28 January

23:25

Trump Signs Executive Order to Sell Grand Canyon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Trump spoke about his decision: The parks are mine now and I can do with them what I like. Whats best for the country. This is a great day. Wonderful. Tons of jobs. Tons. Theres going to be money falling from the skies because of this.

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Monday, 16 January

15:15

Pauline Hanson Scores Invite to Trumps Inauguration After Offering To Perform MmmBop "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With Donald Trump unable to secure any A-List entertainers for the upcoming Presidential Inauguration, Pauline Hanson has revealed she has scored a surprise last-minute invitation after offering to perform her 90s smash hit MmmBop.

Pauline, long suspected to be the songwriting mastermind behind the Milli Vanilli-esque boy band Hanson, stated that she set up the fake boy band in an effort to restore some pride in the Hanson name, which had been lost after she had made a series of controversial and racist remarks in Australian parliament and the media.

As Pauline is the only entertainer so far to agree to perform, she indicated she may also do a few covers to fill out the time, including America Fuck Yeah from the Team America Soundtrack, The Wall by Pink Floyd and Why dont you get a job? by The Offspring.

 

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Sunday, 08 January

17:00

Kim Kardashian Found Shot Dead in Her Hidden Hills Home. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

  At 5:40AM police were called to the Kim Kardashians residents after neighbors heard gun shots and screaming. Police entered the house finding the television personality, and actress on the Kitchen floor in what police described as a Execution. Kayne West has been Arrested due to suspicion and is currently being questioned on his were abouts []

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Tuesday, 13 December

01:05

Politifact Declares Pants on Fire to Trumps statement: You know, Im, like, a smart person. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

According to a Politifact spokesperson it took only 30 seconds to confer the verdict, Pants on Fire as well as award Trump the 2016 Lie of the Year award.

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Thursday, 08 December

01:51

Outrage as Man Who Punched Roo Doesnt Win Person of the Year "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The entire nation of Australia has reacted with outrage today as Donald Trump was awarded Times Person of the Year instead of the man who punched a kangaroo.

Despite being a relatively late entry, many felt the man who punched a roo was significantly more qualified to be person of the year than Donald Trump whose only claim to fame is his ability to insult mexicans, muslims and the intelligence of the American people.

A ridiculous decision! , said Robert McKinley, a pub expert in Australian studies. The man who punched a roo is a true Aussie roo battler, has a real fighting spirit and is prepared to run away at the first sign of not backing down. Hes a man of action, not like that yank Trump who is all talk.

He should replace the emu on our coat of arms, added Robert. Did you know a man who punched a roo cant move backwards?

Meanwhile, after a relatively lacklustre year by persons, Time magazine is considering broadening the award to all carbon-based lifeforms next year. Unfortunately we didnt do it in 2016, said a spokesperson for Time. Harambe wouldve been a shooting I mean, shoo-in

 

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Monday, 05 December

14:29

Colonel Bernie Sanders Not Chicken to Stand up to Clown Ronald McDonald Trump "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With Ronald McDonald recently victorious in the McDonaldland presidential election, Colonel Bernie Sanders has spoken out saying he is not chicken to stand up to rising tide of populist burger consumption.

Sanders has always been considered to be a bit of an outsider and frequently pitted himself against the McDonaldland establishment.  He had recently endorsed the successful blocking of the Dakota oil pipeline. Oil doesnt belong in pipes, it belongs in fried chicken, he said.

Sanders added that he didnt believe Ronald would do anything to fix the economy. Soon McDonalds will be so expensive only the richest 1% will be able to eat there, he said. Whats Ronald going to do about it? Hes just a fucking clown.

Ronald McDonald, who was largely responsible for turning politics into easily consumable soundbites, has come under fire in recent weeks for appointing his cabinet positions from those whose only previous experience was working at McDonalds.  Many such appointments have been controversial such as Grimace being made the Secretary of Shakes and the Hamburgler being made Treasury Secretary despite the fact he was recently serving time in jail for drug smuggling. Hamburgler, previously only known for stealing burgers, made the mistake of trying to steal KFCs fries. Everyone knows KFC chicken salt is considered an illicit substance in 127 countries, Sanders explained. And, in the remainder, it actually is.

Ronald was not concerned and instead of dealing with the issues he considered that his time was better spent polishing the aging glass ceilings in stores across the nation.  The ceilings may, Ronald added, even need to be reinforced because Birdie the Early Bird, the first ever female presidential candidate for McDonaldland, almost broke through one recently.

 

 

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Monday, 28 November

12:07

Clinton Camp Now Taking Part in Recount of Rigged 2003 Australian Idol Vote "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A group of activists has been encouraging Hillary Clinton to take part in a challenge to the US election results in key states Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania after warning there are enough irregularities to warrant investigation.

The same group of activists have warned that voting irregularities go as far back as the 2003 Australian Idol vote that crowned Guy Sebastian as winner over Shannon Noll.  It was a result that was long been suspected to have been rigged or at least to have been caused by a lot of people voting for the wrong fucking guy.

The Australian Idol 2003 vote has clear parallels to the 2016 US presidential election, Clinton observed. It was one entertainer with bad hair winning over the clear popular favourite. We are trying to establish if there are any patterns in these results that could explain why the fuck everything went wrong against all odds.

This challenge is not about changing the election result, it is about securing confidence in our Idol voting system, she said. Thats not to say it wasnt an absolute travesty. But, as much as it still pains me to say that, we know Guy Sebastian won.

But this is about securing a process that ensures that every vote actually counts for the candidate that each voter intended to receive that vote, Clinton added. I just dont understand how anyone didnt intend to vote for Nollsy.

We havent found anything yet but fuck me, if there are any voting irregularities, Nollsy will have to cancel his holiday plans! Hopefully he gets a bit of forewarning as hell need time to start growing his soul patch again.

The Clinton camp has indicated that there may well have been Russian interference in the computer voting process although there has yet to be any solid proof.

It is believed they are also investigating whether Russian hackers affected Dami Ims Australian Eurovision vote, Richies terrible decision making in The Bachelor and the highly questionable election of Malcolm Roberts to the Australian Senate.

 

 

 

 

08:12

Giant Huntsman Infestation Warning SA "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Giant Huntsman spiders as large at 45cm are migrating to South Australia. Giant huntsmans have been spotted in the western and northern suburbs of Adelaide. Ian Hunter, Minister of Environment for South Australia stated earlier this afternoon. Spider migration is a yearly phenomenon in Adelaide and does not pose any risks to our wildlife, but we are []

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Wednesday, 23 November

15:39

Teens Stole Power Tools During Jail Riot "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Violent teen prisoners stole power tools during a Melbourne youth prison riot, allegedly using them to threaten other inmates, and previously threatened female staff with rape. Staff also say they were told not to call police during riots because of concerns about public perception of trouble at the Parkville and Malmsbury youth jails. On a []

14:44

Hero Fixes Lame AF Party With No Music By Ordering New Uber Beats Service "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Brendan Galloway, 19, has been celebrated as a hero amongst his friends after rescuing a lame party from disaster when the stereo system failed by ordering the latest Uber Beats service.

I was just heading to my best mates Gazzas party and it was boring because there was no music playing, said Brendan.  I was like wtf Gazza mate, your party is lame AF. Luckily, Id signed up for the Uber Beats and within five minutes we had some cranking tunes out on the street. That is, till the coppers shut us down.

With more and more Millennials reporting that they are attending lame parties, Uber Beats is part of Ubers plan to fix a perceived hole in the market in party enhancement services.

At the customers disposal is a fleet of Uber drivers with the most fully sick subwoofers and pimped up Strathfield Car Radio sound systems that will come to your party and blast a curated selection of banging tunes, said an Uber Beats representative. Once youve ordered a party enhancement service through the Uber Beats app, the map will show how far away your  driver is and give you an indication of how much longer it will take to epicify your party. Usually within minutes your facebook timeline will be covered in checkins and photos, and snapchat will go from having zero snapchat stories to a thousand at your party in no time.

It appears there are many different ways to use Uber Beats. Harrison, 20, said he got Uber Beats just so that he could cruise around Bankstown with his windows down. Lloyd, 21, said he ordered one as a prank to blast music outside his mates house while he was studying for upcoming exams.

Uber announced they were looking at further party enhancement services.  Further services under consideration include Uber Ice (both kinds), Uber Wine and Cheese and Uber Exotic Dancers for Bucks and Hens nights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tuesday, 22 November

14:31

Parliament House a Massive Waste of Money After Experts Realise Owls Live in Trees "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It has been revealed that the $1 billion dollars spent on building Parliament House has been entirely wasted after experts discovered the startling fact that owls actually live in trees, or burrows, and do not live in houses at all.

Built in 1988, Parliament House in Canberra was designed for housing all of Australias nine species of owls in one place.

Yes, it seems obvious now, laughed a scientist who has been studying owls for decades. Houses are pretty much just meant for humans and cockroaches. And, if youre lucky, huntsman spiders. Definitely not for groups of owls.

This changes everything, said one of the architects of Parliament House.  Now, contrary to the initial intent, Parliament House is for politicians, a collective noun for a group of asses. These are people who dont have anything better to do than sit around sexting staffers, making thinly veiled racist statements, rorting travel allowances or playing Pokemon. Thats definitely not what we had in mind when we designed it, he stated.

The hardest work most of them have ever done was trying to decipher what the heck Malcolm Roberts was saying, he added. And theres a few of them who think climate change is only real when the air-conditioning stops working during question time.

Whats the collective noun for a group of unemployed former government ministers? he pondered.

 

 

12:25

Father Gives Life-Changing Career Advice to Son: PCs are the future! Work in Computers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Daniel Straus wants to make sure his son, Ethan, gets a foot ahead in life that he wasnt able to get himself at a young age.

My son, he loves his computers. Hes a computer whiz! Mr Straus said. He hooked up the printer all by himself, he can always fix the internet for us. He can download anything faster than anybody! And he never went to school for it or nothing.

Mr Straus cousin works full time as a computer repair and salesman and reportedly earns a six-figure salary.

I dont want my son to end up like me, so I told him at dinner last night PCs are the future, son, get into computers!. My cousin, he always was a nerdy type just like my son, and my son loves his computers and internet, I can never get him off it! Hes an expert! Im telling you if my son gets into computers now hes gonna have investment properties by the time hes 30.

Mr Straus has already arranged for his son to meet a local businessman in dire need for a computer guru to design his business a website and fix-up his email signatures. But when we spoke with young Ethan, he seemed hesitant about the meeting.

Im not really sure how to design a website, said Ethan. I just like to play games in my spare time, and Im happy with my job selling overpriced electronics at Harvey Norman.

Im sure he can handle it, Ethans father said. One time I took him to my sisters house to get her family photos on one of them memory sticks, he just went on there and bam, two minutes later the problems solved.

 

 

 

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Sunday, 20 November

14:30

Wonder White Introduces New and Improved Walter White: Its Wonderfully Addictive "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After years of research and product development, Wonder White has finally introduced a new and improved range of bread. Called Walter White, the new bread formula has a distinctive blue tinge and is already proving to be a hit with all the family.

We knew from many hours of personal research that the new and improved Walter White bread is wonderfully addictive! said a spokesperson for the company only known as Heisenberg.  It contains no artificial preservatives and is high in fibre and pure methamphetamine.  We figured we were on to something when we found out it was the most stolen item at Coles and Woolies.

Its amazing, said Casey, 20, after buying a loaf at an inflated price from a dealer on ebay. I just take a loaf of Walter White with me whenever Im heading out to a rave or partying in a club. I usually pass around a few slices with my mates and well have a great time!

bread

Its a little different from the Wonder White when I was a kid, added Jonno, 19, who said he was coming down from eating a few slices over the weekend. I was already addicted to the stuff, but this blue edition is just the ice on the cake!

Competing breadmakers have already caught on to its popularity.  Some have even been trying to dye their bread blue in an effort to pass it off as Walter White.

They better watch out. Im not in the bread business, Heisenberg warned. Im in the empire business.

 

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Friday, 18 November

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Sunday, 30 October

09:23

Marijuana Hits Stores In Adelaide Australia Tomorrow "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Today Marijuana has finally hit stores for the first time as a recreational drug. In Adelaide Woolworths has now stocked large quantities of Marijuana and is preparing for the new Australian age. At Woolworths like many others preparing to sell legal marijuana it is priced $19 per 20 Grams, Very similar to tobacco. At this []

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Tuesday, 18 October

05:21

Trump FURIOUS Rigged Media Has Audacity To Report Words Coming Directly From His Mouth "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With Donald Trump dramatically falling in the polls daily, especially after tape came out where he admitted to sexually assaulting women, he doesnt seem to know what to do. In an effort to combat the narrative that he is a sexual predator, because he is, Trump is now going after the media, claiming the election is rigged against him. Sitting down with Free Wood Post, Trump explained: The media is rigging this election against me! Its totally biased and unfair. []

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Monday, 17 October

23:18

Trump To Seat Four Women He Hasnt Sexually Assaulted In Front Row Of Next Debate "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In another move aimed directly at Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clintons campaign, Republican nominee Donald Trump plans to seat four women hes never sexually assaulted in the front row of the next Presidential debate October 19th in Las Vegas. Pundits are calling the move a slap in the face to Clinton and a direct repudiation of the narrative that hes an aggressive sexual predator. Appearing at the debate with an entire slate of four women whom he has never sexually []

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Tuesday, 11 October

23:11

Target Easing Fears Of Sexual Assault With New Trump-Only Bathrooms "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Target is investing millions of dollars nationally to ease the public's fears of sexual assault in its restrooms.

23:08

Republicans Forced to Carry Non-Viable Candidate to Term "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

They will have to carry their non-viable candidate to term no matter how much damage he may be causing to the Republican party.

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Sunday, 09 October

18:01

Asteroid To Hit Australia Tomorrow. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NASA ASTEROID WATCH(CHECK HERE FOR THE LATEST UPDATES ON THE ASTEROID) Today there has been reports from the bureau of meteorology and NASA confirming that there is a nearby asteroid on its way to hit Adelaide shores tomorrow afternoon. ( CLICK HERE FOR UPDATES ON THE SITUATION) The asteroid is 10km wide and is due to []

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Friday, 30 September

21:31

Donald Trump: Of Course Ill Use Twitter To Bully ISIS Into Submission "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

"I'll be the best ever at tweet-shaming all those losers over there."

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Wednesday, 28 September

20:14

Trump Still Hoping To Appeal To Idiots Who Pay Taxes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mr. Trump still believes he can appeal to the sorts of fools who might pay taxes.

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Tuesday, 27 September

00:36

Wealthy And Famous White Man Has Never Had His Race Held Against Him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hall of Fame NFL coach Mike Ditka made news recently by telling San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick to stand for the national anthem or get the hell out of the country. In his comments, he singlehandedly debunked Kaepernicks startling claims of racism and instances of police overreach in the United States. Ditka pointed out that he, a football player who was selected in the first round of the NFL draft, had immediate success on the field, retired immediately into []

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Friday, 23 September

23:09

After Months Of Almost Caring About The Nation, Ted Cruz Gives Up Search For Spine "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As much as many can say they dont like Senator Ted Green Eggs and Ham Cruz, they could at least say he seemed to care about the nation enough to not want to see it fall into the hands of a megalomaniac reality television show host. Ever since Cruz dropped out of the race for Republican nominee he held true to making sure that the nation will not fall prey to the horrendousness of Donald Trump. He even implied at the Republican []

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Sunday, 18 September

14:08

Australia Officially Most Anti-Muslim Country In the World "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Australia is officially the most Anti-Muslim Country in the world. Anti Muslim protests arise shortly after a organized Australian airstrike that killed over 80,000 Hostile AND Civilian Musli

Friday, 09 September

02:14

Land rezoning application magically relocates from South Albury to East Albury. Were supernatural elements at play or was there a human factor involved? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Now before we go on weve on the odd occasion had cause to criticise Mr Aplin, the member for Albury for one thing or another over the years. In this instance weve already indicated  were pretty confident Mr Aplin never made it up about Alburys dodgy grant applications.   Why? Because while Mr Aplin likes to spin things out and overemphasize his place in the Continue reading Land rezoning application magically relocates from South Albury to East Albury. Were supernatural elements at play or was there a human factor involved?

The post Land rezoning application magically relocates from South Albury to East Albury. Were supernatural elements at play or was there a human factor involved? appeared first on Borderline Albury Wodonga.

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