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Tuesday, 19 September

22:25

An old episode of Cheers got people thinking theyre looking at a cardboard cutout "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As posted by @Glinner over on Twitter.

Hes not wrong, you know. Have another look.

Turns out not.

22:17

Dog that has never seen stairs before video delivers perfect payoff "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

And just in case you are wondering.

Source

The post Dog that has never seen stairs before video delivers perfect payoff appeared first on The Poke.

20:58

Trump & Tillerson Promise Light Footprint On Southwest Monument Strip-Mining "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The American SouthwestPresident Trump has ordered a review of over two dozen national monuments located all across the southwest. Many are calling the presidents attempt to rollback Obama-protected lands for the purpose of exploitation, despicable. President Trump told the press today to Chillax, folks! Theres a lot of wood, water and minerals totally untapped out there in the dirt and, with new technologies, you

20:00

Aung San Suu Kyi: Good guy, bad guy or Burmese rhyming slang? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Confused by Aung San flitting between winning a Nobel Prize and killing everyone? Torn between admiration for her previous fights against military rule, and condemnation for her current refusal to condemn army attacks? Never fear. As always Newsbiscuit has provided the definitive facts to clear up this quagmire of truth.

1) Contrary to popular opinion she is not a guy. She is not Burt Kwouk.

2) She spent 21 years under House Arrest but has so far refused to go on Celebrity Big Brother.

3) Aung San Suu Kyi are coincidentally the individual names of Burmas Teletubbies.

4) Despite fears of ethnic cleansing, Aung San is still a more popular Nobel winner than Bob Dylan who is a real pr*ck.

5) In 2007 she won the Congressional Gold Medal for beating Newt Gingrich over the 110m hurdles.

6) She hates the new Great British Bakeoff and has not enjoyed anything Noel Fielding has done since The Mighty Boosh.

7) How bad does sh*t have to get for you to flee to Bangladesh? Its like holidaying in Skegness.

8) Suu Kyi controversially took the kettle off, despite Polly and the UN telling her not to.

9) 10 says you did not know who the Rohingya were before the start of the month. 20 says you wont care by next month.

10) She is the only world leader to have lost the roof of her house to a cyclone called Nargis in 2008. Evidently your thoughts and prayers werent intense enough that time. Thats pretty callous of you, since she wasnt even allowed out of the house at the time. You b*stards.

11) Her favourite Beatle was George, for aught anyone knows.

12) Human rights groups are calling for displaced Rohingya Muslims to be allowed to settle in the US, just to see the look on Trumps face.

13) Boris Johnson has revealed that he doesnt like Aung San Suu Kyi, hes more of an Earl Grey man.

14) And that isnt a flower behind her ear, its just a really crap hearing aid.

Wrenfoe, Oxbridge, riesler, dominic_mcg

19:31

Donald Trumps nickname for Kim Jong Un is Rocket Man our favourite 20 responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its now official North Korean leader Kim Jung Un will forever be known as Rocket Man after Donald Trump drew inspiration from Elton John in his United Nations address today.

When we say forever that could be, like, another three days or so.

Never mind for the moment Trumps threat to totally destroy North Korea, heres our favourite responses online, including some Trump-themed Elton John hits.

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3.

18:44

Trump to fight global warming with nuclear winter "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Trump unveils new climate strategy before United Nations.

18:17

Jeremy Corbyns been trolling Piers Morgan in Spanish "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Jeremy Corbyn has been trolling Piers Morgan on Twitter after the TV presenter revealed how the Labour leader cut him out of a conversation at the GQ awards by talking Spanish.

Morgan wrote in the Mail on Sunday about how how he had been talking to Arsenals Spanish footballer Hector Bellerin when Corbyn turned up.

Bellerin later tweeted Morgan suggesting he not take it too seriously.

Then Corbyn joined in.

Which roughly translates as:

It was a pleasure to meet you. It is better not to say what we were talking about, you would not understand it. Very good game on Sunday.

Or:

Thank you very much Mr Corbyn and of course, we will keep it between us! It was a pleasure to meet you!

To which Morgan replied

18:00

People Drinking at Bar Unaware Theyre About to Support the Local Scene "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

PHILADELPHIA Regulars at Magners Pub had absolutely no idea they would be entertained last night by Phillys robust local performing arts scene, witnesses confirmed this morning.

Judging by the turnout, this is gonna be a great show, David Riley, part-time performer/day-time copywriter and organizer of the event, allegedly said. Once they turn the Eagles game off and shut down the pool table, everyone will give all their attention to the stage.

Is there something going on here tonight? said bar regular James Machie, noticing the makeshift stage erected in the corner. Shit. Its not too late to go somewhere else, is it?

The mildly popular neighborhood bar, a destination for locals for years, recently began a mixed media open mic night to attract a more diverse crowd.

Related:

Were gonna start the show in five minutes, Riley announced, interrupting dozens of interesting conversations to confirm the nights events. I can already tell youre gonna be a great crowd, so grab a drink, and be sure to tip your bartender! he added before deafening feedback from the microphone sliding out of his hand and hitting the floor.

Reports show grumbles of protest followed Riley as he made his way around the bar, unplugging arcade games and draping a curtain over the dart boards.

Alright, lets get this show started, said Riley, leading with a deeply personal opening performance hed prepared for weeks. Witnesses confirm a line formed at the bar almost immediately.

Stacey Madison, at Magners three or more nights a week for the last six years, was one of the few patrons that took a seat in an empty row of chairs up front.

At least theyre not doing Harry Potter trivia again, she said. That was fucking awful.

Want to show your support for The Hard Times? Pick up a shirt today. 

17:54

Its not the prices that will bring a tear to your eye at this salon "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The names this salon has come up with for mens waxing packages are as inventive as they are painful.

(via)

Well pass, thanks.

The post Its not the prices that will bring a tear to your eye at this salon appeared first on The Poke.

17:47

If it means he never goes on Question Time again then well pay for it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Daily Telegraph has a scoop.

Nigel Farage has threatened to stop paying his licence fee unless the BBC apologises for reporting that he had blood on his hands over the death of a Polish man in the wake of the EU referendum.

In an article for The Telegraph the former Ukip leader says that the terrible slur has caused him and his family more misery than any other in my 25 years in politics.

He says that he lived in fear of reprisal and a perpetual state of worry as a result of the claim and will have no option but to stop paying the BBC licence fee altogether unless the corporation apologises.

If it means he never goes on Question Time again then well happily pay for it instead. 147 well spent.

The post If it means he never goes on Question Time again then well pay for it appeared first on The Poke.

17:28

United Nations give Donald Trump the respect he deserves they laugh at him "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

So Donald Trump had this diagnosis of the problems in Venezuela.

The problem in Venezuela is not that socialism has been poorly implemented but that socialism has been faithfully implemented.

It prompted laughter among the UN delegates until they realised he was being serious, so some people did the decent thing and clapped before he had them all killed.

Our favourite bit is towards the end when his mouth open and shuts but nothing comes out. Blessed relief.

Source

The post United Nations give Donald Trump the respect he deserves they laugh at him appeared first on The Poke.

17:15

10 obscure words that you should be using right now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The wonderful Haggard Hawks is Twitter account that specialises in obscure old words and language most of which seems very relevant in the modern world. Heres ten of our favourites to expand your vocabulary with.

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17:10

When Boris Johnson met Donald Trump our 7 favourite captions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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16:50

Best headline youll read this week (seriously) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

From the Times.

We can only hope they are being sarcastic.

READ MORE

Another headline writer who deserves an award

The post Best headline youll read this week (seriously) appeared first on The Poke.

16:33

Jason Isaacs devastating Sean Spicer takedown goes viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Harry Potter actor Jason Isaacs devastating takedown of Sean Spicers appearance at the Emmy TV awards has gone viral and with good reason, it turns out.

Three surprising things about him, says Isaacs.

1. He comes up to my nipples.

2. He doesnt think he should hide himelf under a rock from shame for the rest of his life.

3. Hes deeply unattractive, from the inside out. Has the aura of a giant festering abscess. Strange, since he was so charismatic at the (elevated) podium.

Ouch.

James Corden...

16:15

Driverless Brexit tech deal struck by Government "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a bid to encourage tech companies to invest in the UK after Brexit, the Government has announced a series of tie ups with major tech companies.

The flagship project sees it team up with the experts behind the Google driverless car to produce a driverless Brexit.

Obviously the technology is still in its infancy and we expect there to be a number of accidents along the way, a Government spokesperson said. But this is much a more efficient and modern way of careering along with nobody at the helm than we have been doing for the past few months.

Google said the biggest problem it faced on the project was integrating Sat Nav as nobody in Government has a clue where they want to end up. However, it added that the Prime Minister had been clear on the colour scheme, so it was busy painting it red, white and blue in the meantime.

The initiative also involves working with IBM on Watson, its artificial intelligence programme. It was abundantly clear that what we need is some form of intelligence in the Cabinet, the Government spokesperson explained. Any intelligence real or artificial it doesnt matter. We just need something for gods sake.

The holographic technology used to bring dead pop stars, such as Tupac, back to the stage, will be used by Theresa May for all future public appearances. She really isnt very good at them so this is much safer and part of a wider on-going project to automate election campaigns after the series of unforced human errors that occurred last time.

Finally, the Government has commissioned a series of new ultra-realistic talking sex dolls. Well, that should keep Boris quiet and out of the way for a bit, it explained.

StanleyMizaru

14:20

21 totally fictional Sega games thatll make you laugh and wish they were real "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

SegaCDgames is a new Twitter account that posts parody Sega box art.

Heres 21 of their best.

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6.


...

14:06

Shocking: How the cost of everyday groceries has risen in the past 12 months "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This new infographic from the Office for National Statistics shows just how much the cost of your weekly shop has risen in the last year.

The post Shocking: How the cost of everyday groceries has risen in the past 12 months appeared first on The Poke.

13:19

Toys R Us bankruptcy means parents will have to take their kids somewhere else to cry when they dont get what they want "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Parents across the US and Canada may been left without a place to take their children to have tantrums after Toys R Us has filed for bankruptcy.

The company, which has nearly 1,600 stores in North America has struggled against larger rivals such as Amazon.

The online experience simply isnt the same, said one worried parent.

Having my kids throw a shitfit in front of a laptop when I refuse to buy them things off Amazon I cant afford just isnt the same as watching them have a complete meltdown in giant shed full of expensive toys that I cant afford.

The generous acoustics of the average branch of Toys R Us lend their hysterical shrieking an almost cathedral-like quality.

Other parents were able to relate to the companys financial problems.

Being saddled with enormous long-term debt is exactly what happens to me when I visit Toys R Us at Christmas.

The post Toys R Us bankruptcy means parents will have to take their kids somewhere else to cry when they dont get what they want appeared first on The Poke.

13:00

Wayne Rooney Sentenced to 100 Hours of Playing Up Front for Everton "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

 

In a harsh sentence handed down today for drink-driving, Wayne Rooney was ordered to help those less fortunate in society and received 100 hours of community service to be served playing up front for Everton. Its a big come-down for the former England skipper, although he will be relieved he has been allowed to keep his b*llocks by wife Coleen.

Rooney expressed his remorse at being caught drink-driving and promised that next time he did it, he would try his very best not to get caught.

Prosecutors had been pushing for a harsher punishment to send out a strong signal and asked the Judge to transfer him to Crystal Palace, but the Judge declined feeling that would amount to cruel and unusual punishment. He felt nearly two seasons of playing for the Toffees was harsh enough as it was. Passing sentence, the Judge noted: 90 minutes of solitary confinement up front every Saturday for Everton, forced to live off modest scraps, will give him plenty of time to reflect on what he has lost.

daneade

 

12:42

Please Quit Staring at Me While Im Trying to Bartend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

OK look, I know youre all here because theres a show tonight, and youre so excited about whatever lame band youve overpaid to see, but some of us have jobs to do. So could you please stop staring at me while Im trying to bartend?

Seriously, dude. All night youve been down at that end of the bar mean-mugging me. I mean, what the fuck? Ive got a lot going on tonight. What gives you the right to stare at me like Im some piece of meat? Didnt your parents ever teach you that its rude to stare? Youre acting like a goddamn creep.

There are a lot of ladies at the bar, a lot of friends to hook up with shots, and I just dont have the patience to deal with a bunch of you snotty kids that wanna leer at me all night just because I dont like whatever stupid popcore band is playing. You think its easy being the only bartender working tonight? No, its extremely stressful actually, and youre only adding to it with your shit.

Related: I Posted Morrissey Lyrics on Facebook for a Month and Nobody Called to Check on Me

Maybe you have a problem with me? Is that it? If you have a problem, you shouldve said something to me when I was outside smoking a cigarette a few minutes ago. Or right before that when I was sitting over there eating chicken fingers. Or before that when I flat out disappeared for a while.

Do you realize that in the time Ive been over here talking to you about a dozen other people came to the bar looking for a drink? No, I bet youre so oblivious you didnt even notice. So Im really sorry, but I dont have the time to horse around and figure out what kind of game youre playing. Some of us have work to do.  

12:00

Opinion: If You Live in My Sims Town, You Better Learn to Speak Gibberish "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

 

Original article has been translated from Simlish for clarity.

Immigration continues to be a dividing issue, and it can be hard to find the truth through all the different voices, especially when theres a language barrier in the way.  So while it may not be a popular opinion, I believe that if you live in my Sims town, you should learn to speak Gibberish.

I see it more every day, from the barista at my coffee shop saying Good Morning instead of  Bloo Bagoo, to the ATMs having the English option above the Simlish option. Our identity is being slowly taken over by these outsiders; theyre even teaching English in schools now!  We need to stop this before things get worse.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:


Put simply, if you moved here from somewhere else, you need to assimilate and learn the local language.  Im tired of getting blank looks from my gardener after I explain how to water my azaleas, because he only speaks English.  Weve been gracious enough to allow these people into our community, the least they can do is adapt to the group and become true, naturalized Sims.

Now before the PC Police and SJWs come after me with their pitchforks, I am not a racist for feeling this way.  Hell, my neighbor Tim is a breakdancing alien and hes one of my best friends....

12:00

Velvet Underground Excited to be Discovered by Incoming College Freshmen "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NEW YORK  The legendary art-rock band the Velvet Underground eagerly anticipate the bands upcoming discovery by thousands of college freshmen this fall semester and subsequent sales bump, a press release confirmed today.

We in the Velvet Underground absolutely love autumn, read the statement from the 60s rock outfit. The changing leaves, pumpkin spice everything and, most of all, that sweet, sweet cash we see each year as new students first hear our cerebral-yet-visceral brand of rocknroll.

Since 1966, excitable college freshman have stumbled upon the groundbreaking albums of the Velvet Underground, sharing their new-found enthusiasm for the band as if theyre the first to discover them, according to historians.

Velvet Undergrounds accessibly challenging music is frequently used by college freshman as a way to impress one another, noted Dr. Thad Ruffa in a recent published report.

Financial records show an annual renewal of interest in the bands music consistently yields a huge increase in Spotify plays, iTunes downloads, and album sales.

Related:

You can almost set your watch by it. If theres an increase in our lyrics shared on Facebook, or dozens of new YouTube videos of young people clumsily strumming Heroin, the Fall semester has begun, said the band. We are so happy to be a part of the maturation process of so many kids.

Ka-ching! the Velvet Underground added.

One poll showed a majority of college students were entirely unaware of the bands decades-long following, or that liking the Velvet Underground doesnt make them special.

Well, Ive always had very unique and sophisticated tastes, so its no surprise Id form such a bond with the Velvets, said 18-year-old college freshman Kyle Dunlop. Im the same way with cinema my favorite film is Donnie Darko. And I have always loved the works of Wes Anderson. You should look him up.

Dunlop, unaware that literally thousands of fellow college students just like him expressed the same thought within the last week, is doing his best to promote t...

11:00

Media rounds on Corbyn for not having sex with pig "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn came under fresh pressure today as it was revealed that at no point during his student years did he take part in the normal student high-jinks that do so much to endear modern politicians to the British electorate. Downing Street accused Jeremy Corbyn of being too much of a socialist puritan in his youth to have even done the normal harmless stuff, like for example, enjoying having sex with a severed pigs head.

I mean, come on, we all did it said a Conservative press officer to the nodding press pack. Weve all at one time smoked a little pot while listening to Supertramp.  Weve all got drunk and made idiots of ourselves, weve all er, stuck our cock and balls in the mouth of a severed pigs head.  But not Comrade Corbyn! he declared, as shocked reporters scribbled down this exclusive ready for the next days front pages.

The Daily Mail editorial compared Corbyns lack of university larks to that of IS recruits, who often shun traditional British social traditions such as porcine blow jobs. In a similar vein Metro branded the Labour leader Comrade Killjoy, while the Sun published a double page spread of pigs in lingerie headlined Sizzling Hot British Porkers.

Jeremy Corbyn seemed to be caught off-guard when a news interviewer tried to press him on whether he would now have sex with a pig, as is expected under the traditions of the unwritten British constitution. Um, I did not know that custom was required for aspiring British Prime Ministers. Um, Ill have to think about doing that.

But come on, will you now commit to getting a blow job from a severed pigs head?  Are you prepared to do that in order to be taken seriously as a possible Prime Minister?

A panicking Labour Party attempted to find anything that might show that their man was as good as the PM and hastily arranged a press conference in which a self-conscious looking Jeremy Corbyn attempted to a kiss and cuddle a Miss Piggy puppet.

Its pathetic! said one voter in the key marginal of Nuneaton. Thats not having sex with a dead pig its just a cop out!

Typical Labour said another; Theyre just Tory-Lite. If I want to vote for a leader who has sex with a pig, Id vote for the real thing.

In another part of Westminster, a Green Party press conference in which Caroline Lucas talked warmly about her deep affection for hummus was ignored by journalists...

10:44

This guy has invented the perfect metaphor for Brexit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Props to David Osler whos come up with this blindingly brilliant metaphor for Brexit:

And it looks like people agree David Oslers tweet has gone viral with nearly 100,000 retweets and likes.

Netflix means Netflix. notes @Archerybutts.

Who needs Netflix anyway they dont show #DadsArmy and what true British patriot would ever want to watch anything else? #ThemsWasTheDays writes @Leozzz.

Source: Twitter/@finance_LL

The post This guy has invented the perfect metaphor for Brexit appeared first on The Poke.

10:01

Barrett Brown speaks at Dr. Troubadors memorial ceremony "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Giving a dedication speech at a ceremony dedicated to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadors future grave and unveiling a fantastic bronze statue in his own likeness and honor, Barrett Brown smiled for local news cameras. His speech was eloquent and mesmerizing, awing all the people present, We analyzed the entire situation of the world from within the most classified backchannels at the very core of the Pursuance Projects alpha test. I beg to differ with Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who has been stalking me online! Youve got to understand, the American Dream is a series of these classic, 18th century liberal self-destroying enterprises, from Raleigh Theodore Sakers Company to Myspace and on now the unimaginable cyber shores beyond the depravity of Crash and the mind-programming Silicon Valley lifestyle-franchising mafiosos seizing power with weaponized teen pussy in Snowcrash, Mason & Dixon, multiverse computer games, and Jesus Christ himself reborn once again as Advanced Human, former Voice of Anonymous, and only man with the cell phone that can text God himself, Christopher The Voice Nemelka. Whereupon you find yourself at the mercy of a pussy grabbing game show host whos been barking fake news about Obamas Nigerian Daddy for years and now hes telling you, youre fired. Thats the American Dream.

Wow that made profound sense and had something to do with the world of politics and it increases my value to read all those inside jokes. As an erudite and attentive reader of incredible literature this is what I enjoy most. But that couldnt have been Barrett Brown, Dr. Troubador tugged at his beard once, and stroked it harder and harder as he came to a logical conclusion. Firstly, he loves classic liberalism. To him it is the same thing as anarchism in that theyre both an extreme form of naturalism, both the same as his original Randian objectivism. This is very well documented. And besides, he would have said something about Pursuance Software Systems.

Pursuance Software Systems? Whats that? Randy said as he walked in. Yuns havin a pot party?

Im fuckin glad you asked, yelped Barrett. You motherfuckers just log on to purusanceproject.com and type in all your social media site passwords and then youll automatically tweet and fa...

09:42

This comment left on a New York Times brownie recipe has quite a twist at the end "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

@Samdolnick over on Twitter has spotted quite a comment in response to a recipe called Katharine Hepburns brownies.

This has been my go-to brownie recipe for 30 years, even after going to baking school! I agree that using the best cocoa possible makes a difference. These days, I use Callebaut, Sydne Newberry wrote one year ago. Fair enough!

In the 80s, an acquaintance in Germany to whom I brought some of the brownies, and who considered herself a great cook, asked for the recipe but was never able to get it to work. She kept asking me what she was doing wrong and I was never able to solve her problem. Eventually, she moved to the US and stole my husband!

Whats better, great Brownies or mediocre husband? Thinking the former. notes @Mcoogan97.

Over 300 readers found the comment to be helpful so her destroyed marriage is not in vain. writes @Aaronjosborne.

Source: Twitter/@samdolnick

The post This comment left on a New York Times brownie recipe has quite a twist at the end appeared first on The Poke.

09:24

Giant US toy retailer buys up Chinese sex toy stock to avoid bankruptcy! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It seems the retail toy world is in turmoil after a giant toy retailer announced it was bankrupt in the US and Canada and cannot compete with internet rivals that swim up the Amazon and Target other Wally Martyrs! So, after hearing that China has...

09:15

Nature Journal Identifies Australian Music Journalists As Lowest Form Of Human Life "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian music journalists, critics and online op-ed writers are a life form lower than ever seen before- thats according to one of Britains oldest and most respected multidisciplinary scientific journal, Nature. Scholars commissioned by the publication, which had published many of the great works from Isaac Newton, Michael Faraday through to early works from Charles Darwin, say that []

The post Nature Journal Identifies Australian Music Journalists As Lowest Form Of Human Life appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:08

NRL slap Matt Scott with $100k fine for gambling on preliminary "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A ONE-LEGGED SCOTT HAS EXPRESSED HIS DEEPEST REGRETS THIS MORNING.

A ONE-LEGGED SCOTT HAS EXPRESSED HIS DEEPEST REGRETS THIS MORNING.

The NRL has come down heavily on Cowboys power forward Matt Scott after an internal investigation revealed he was preparing to gamble on the teams next match against the Roosters.

An undercover sting operation has caught Matt Scott red-handed, NRL CEO Todd Greenberg said today.

Matthew was preparing to take the field against the Roosters with only one fully-functional knee we cant tolerate that kind of gambling in the NRL.

A contrite Scott fronted the media a few moments ago to address the issue.

Im deeply apologetic for my actions, Scott told reporters.

I just wanted to get back on the field so badly that I was prepared to literally hop through the entire match I even had a specially designed footy boot to support my bodyweight and everything.

I realise in hindsight that this wouldve brought the game into disrepute.

The controversy surrounding Scott arrives only weeks after another Cowboys gambling scandal regarding Ray Thompson.

The club is very sorry for ever taking the gamble and allowing Ray to ever play for us, Cowboys coach Paul Green said a fortnight ago.

THE FAULT REPORT IS A SATIRICAL WEBSITE AND ITS CONTENTS ARE NOT INTENDED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REALITY IS PURELY (AND LAMENTABLY) COINCIDENTAL.

 

08:37

This newspaper has written a headline that deserves some kind of award "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The local newspaper is kinda famous for its headlines from funny

No ball hairs notes BooBooKitty.

We also like this headline we really do

Source: Reddit

The post This newspaper has written a headline that deserves some kind of award appeared first on The Poke.

08:16

Explore Louisiana? Why? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Ignoring common sense and the United State constitution, President Thomas Jefferson recently diverted 15 million of your hard-earned tax dollars to buy less than a million square miles of uninhabitable desert, unplowable arid plains and impenetrable...

07:44

These Young Professionals At The Pub Are Talking About Cryptocurrencies "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A troubling new trend is sweeping the licensed premises around Betootas Financial District according to many local publicans, who say that the young men who frequent them are only capable of talking about cryptocurrencies at the moment and nothing else. Dennis Coolidge has owned the Dolphin & Squid Hotel opposite the Betoota []

The post These Young Professionals At The Pub Are Talking About Cryptocurrencies appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:39

Self-Hating Millennial Pretends To Care About Weird Boomer Shit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A prominent Gen-Y social commentator has been having a particularly hard time trying to harness the same audiences as Alan Jones and Steve Price, while also trying to avoid being a class and generation traitor. Paul The Boomer Liason Murray has for many years now made a career broadcasting hot button issues []

The post Self-Hating Millennial Pretends To Care About Weird Boomer Shit appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:05

I Will Reduce Crime In Victoria, Matthew Guy Tells The Shovel In Exclusive Interview That Cost Us $10,000 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Matthew Guy

Victorian Opposition Leader Matthew Guy is the man to put an end to Melbournes rising crime rates, according to the man himself during an interview we secured after dropping a bag full of cash at his office.

The exclusive one-on-one interview, which was invoiced as event sponsorship, was held in a lavish bikie gang clubhouse in Port Melbourne.

Crime will be my number one priority, Mr Guy said, checking that all the bills were there as previously arranged.

In 2013, while Mr Guy was planning minister, The Shovel paid $10,000 to fast-track the approval of a satirical property development in Melbourne. Work on a Collins Street building in the shape of a pair of trousers started earlier this year.

05:30

Thoughtful Grey Nomads Put UHF Channel On Back Of Caravan So Truckies Can Easily Abuse Them "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An elderly home-owning Betoota Ponds couple set out on the trip of a lifetime earlier this month with no set destination. Norm and Beryl Funk sold their pool cleaning and stationery business and traded a life of stress and pay rates for a life spent on the road, chasing []

The post Thoughtful Grey Nomads Put UHF Channel On Back Of Caravan So Truckies Can Easily Abuse Them appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:00

Man With No Defining Personality Traits Wins A Few Laughs By Drinking Out Of Shoe "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local bloke, who otherwise wouldnt be remembered as a party guest, has stolen the show at a local house party for a couple of minutes by doing a shoey out of his damp skater footwear. Jase Hollingworth (31) isnt well known for his one-liners, taste in music, or general knowledge, but []

The post Man With No Defining Personality Traits Wins A Few Laughs By Drinking Out Of Shoe appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:44

Turnbull Backs Yes Campaign, Just Wishes He Was In A Position To Do More "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

malcolm turnbull yes

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has thrown his support behind the yes campaign in the upcoming same-sex marriage survey, but says it is just a pity he doesnt hold a position that gives him the opportunity to have more influence. 

Id love to see same-sex marriage made legal in Australia, and Im doing my bit, he told media today at a Liberals For Yes photo event. But wouldnt it be great if there was someone someone in a senior position, perhaps in some sort of government body or similar, that could just make this happen.

He said he wished he had more influence over the issue. Ill certainly be letting my local member know how I feel. Hopefully they can do something.

_____________________

By Robert A Penguin

03:09

Local Bloke Watches Monday Night Block Once And Vows Never To Watch Q&A Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Devoting many of his Monday nights to the highbrow delight that is the ABCs Q&A programme, a local network engineer had his world turned upside down last night by the nations most popular prime-time show. Sam Dunkeld told The Advocate that he was preparing his prepackaged lasagne dinner in the kitchen while he []

The post Local Bloke Watches Monday Night Block Once And Vows Never To Watch Q&A Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:12

Gold Coast Council Responds To Allegations Of Severe Political Corruption: Hehe "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Gold Coast Mayor Tom Tate has responded to last nights episode of ABC Four Corners by saying hehe after the ABC current affairs program on his councils close links with developers, and possible masking of bribes in campaign donations. Come on [laughter] Its not that bad he said. Deputy Mayor Donna Gates broke down []

The post Gold Coast Council Responds To Allegations Of Severe Political Corruption: Hehe appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:57

The trouble with people nowadays is.... "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Last week marked the zenith in Hillary Clinton's emergence from the Chappaqua woods in upstate New York, where she had been living in the forest after the election like some majestic woodland creature, only occasionally appearing in some adoring fan'...

00:55

Side-line dads banned from boys ballet classes in abusive behaviour crack-down "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Dads who accompany their sons to ballet classes are to be banned if they use abusive and threatening behaviour from the side-lines. The move has come after complaints by other parents and ballet teachers that children are being pressurised and officials threatened by a growing number of angry fathers.

An increase in anti-social behaviour off the dance-floor has led to schools up and down the country banning parents from attending rehearsals. One ballet school described how a female teacher was physically assaulted during a rehearsal of Swan Lake.

A rather bull-necked gentleman leaped onto the stage and told her to watch her f****king step or else before cuffing his son across the ear.

Despite the teachers attempts to bring the rehearsal back to order the irate father began to pace up and down front stage yelling at his son to Shake his f****king feathers, Chase em down! and Get stuck in! causing a group of cygnets to scatter into the wings in tears before he grabbed the teacher by the throat.

Speaking later in his defence at Maidstone Magistrates Court he outlined what had happened.

Look, I might not be a qualified ballet teacher but when Charlie was told to perform a frontal Grande Battement straight after hed come out of that Grand Jet, I personally thought that was a step too far. As I saw it, he had time to do a couple of plis before chasing after them cygnets. Its logic. Besides which it really got my goat.

A spokesperson for the National Ballet Association said, Whilst we understand that parents can get a little excited in the heat of a ballet performance there is no room for abusive behaviour. As a result, only boys with double-barrelled surnames will be admitted to ballet schools in future and anyone called Elliot will have to contend with contemporary dance.

00:48

Kochie Mulling Over Replacing Ken Hinkley With The Cash Cow "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Port Adelaide President David Koch has refused to rule out replacing Port Adelaide Coach Ken Hinkley with the cash cow, following Port Adelaides disappointing finals performance.

Im not afraid of making the hard calls as President, like building a wall around our home ground to keep out the Victorians, said Kochie. I respect Ken Hinkley and admire him but as a President I want results and so far Kenny hasnt delivered.

The cash cow on the other hand he always delivers and costs a fraction of what we pay Kenny.

When asked what knowledge of football the cash cow has Kochie replied: Hes a cow, what more does he need to know. I mean the footballs are made from cow leather, not Hinkley leather.

The (un)Australian reached out to current Port Adelaide coach Ken Hinkley for comment but he was out of the office chasing some Suns.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on...

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Monday, 18 September

23:50

Dersim to Secede from Dersim out of Frustration "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

DuzgunBaba

THE CITY THAT KNOWS NOT ITS OWN NAME Were doing it, kirwe, said Ali Mehmet, puffing on his Laz Marlboro, its really happening this time.

Youre joking, abi, exclaimed Mehmet Ali, his younger friend.

May there be Dzgn Baba, kirwe.

The Maoists, Dersims favourite tourist attraction, are hurriedly preparing for the upcoming independence referendum, in which Dersim will vote on whether to secede from itself, owing to the latters failure to defend the regions supposedly long-standing aspiration for freedom from the Turkish Republic which presently occupies it.

Dersim can never advance towards socialism so long as its still full of Dersimliler, explained Dilan Akda, a local DHF member, to our corespondent. Our people deserve better than to have to live under the oppression of the fascist Kemalist state that we routinely affirm our loyalty to with CHP votes.

The campaign has won widespread acceptance from the largely apathetic population, with the most significant voice of criticism coming from the post-DevYol grouplets Halkevleri and Kaldra, local members of which have been meeting with one another to coordinate for the no campaign.

Everyone attacks us as Kemalists, but our concern here is very genuinely socialist, explained Fatma...

23:45

Moment Jeremy Corbyn shut out Piers Morgan goes viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Piers Morgan was in the Mail on Sunday talking about the GQ awards and the moment he tried to interrupt a conversation between Jeremy Corbyn and Arsenals Spanish footballer, Hector Bellerin.

Heres what happened.

The story has gone viral on Twitter, shared more than 6,000 times and liked 17,000.

22:17

Chinese rented sex dolls get "Chop Sued!" "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A Chinese company that produced rental sex dolls for frustrated Chinese males waiting for their knackered wives to come home after working 12 hour shifts in local Beijing factories has been closed because the sex dolls were too sexy! It seems that...

20:11

A Desperate Ghost Town, N.J., Mayor asks an old friend for an ambulance-chasing, lawyering job "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Ghost Town, N.J., Mayor Martin Forrest Thwaite knew that within just months, he would most likely be out of a job. He was defeated in the last election by a landslide. So he did what any guy with a valid law degree would do - he struck out to get a j...

19:53

Latest Trump-Tweet Orders Dreamers, Trans, & Lingering Burning Man Participants To Erect Border Wall "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nogales, AZAn angry Tweet from Donald Trump has enslaved thousands of snowflake liberals for the single purpose of building his promised border wall. The President told the press today, I said the Mexicans would pay for the wall and clearly some of the folks we detained this week are pretty brown, really brown people. Sure, some are just tan because we picked them

19:41

Lewis Hamilton goes vegan to help save the planet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Racing car driver Lewis Hamilton is going vegan to help save the planet, reports the BBC.

So far I dont feel as if I have been missing out. But I dont know how easy it is going to be when I get home. That is going to be a real test.

To which came this immaculate reply.

The post Lewis Hamilton goes vegan to help save the planet appeared first on The Poke.

19:29

Ryanair update their refund form after all those flight cancellations "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In the wake of industrial-scale flight cancellations, Europes biggest airline has updated it refund application form.

The post Ryanair update their refund form after all those flight cancellations appeared first on The Poke.

18:49

All signs have a story to tell "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Begs all sorts of questions, but we dont really want to hear any of the answers.

18:42

Watch 3 Hollywood legends take down Donald Trump "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Shame the Emmys audience was a little bit ahead of them (but you can probably see it coming too).

Source

The post Watch 3 Hollywood legends take down Donald Trump appeared first on The Poke.

18:40

Justice Dept. to crack down on pumpkin spice "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Justice Dept. puts pumpkin spice in its crosshairs.

18:38

Bad day? This compilation of Sean Bean saying bastard will help "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Which bastards your favourite?

Must have been a right bastard to put together.

READ MORE

Why Sean Bean must die in everything he is in

Source

The post Bad day? This compilation of Sean Bean saying bastard will help appeared first on The Poke.

18:20

Kim Yong-un photo looks like lost Pink Floyd cover "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It really does.

Here it is, with added artwork.

Delicate sound of rockets. Thats good but is it the best? Share your suggestion in the comments.

...

18:11

Is this the most northern sandwich ever? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its the sandwich of the week at the New Cake and Sandwich Shop in Hyde and its a bit of a monster.

The cafes co-owner Samantha Mitchell told the Manchester Evening News:

I do prefer the bizarre sandwiches and Id heard of the Wigan kebab but decided to give it a twist a bit more so I decided with the chips and mushy peas.

Customers reactions have been fantastic. Obviously its not everyones choice.

At only 3 including gravy we cant think of a better carbs for quids option.

But the most northern sandwich ever, as some have suggested?

Source

The post Is this the most northern sandwich ever? appeared first on The Poke.

18:00

Danny Glover Debuts Rap Career as Fatherly Gambino "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOS ANGELES Legendary actor Danny Glover debuted his long-awaited rap alter ego Fatherly Gambino early last week, according to reports from Twitter spelled out in fire emojis.

The rap game is about to change Fatherly Gambino is about to drop a fire mixtape on all ur azzes, tweeted TheDev__420, who saw Glover debut as Fatherly Gambino on Thursday.

Glover claimed the move was out of necessity.

I want to excite a younger audience who may not know my earlier work, and these millennials keep tweeting at me, asking when my next album is going to drop, Glover said, holding a diamond necklace in the shape of Jigsaw. I assumed they meant recordings of my speeches on civil rights and activism, but they were insistent I make rap music. Im hoping people will finally stop confusing me with that guy from Community.

While the Community actor in question, Donald Glover, is much younger, the two are often mistaken in real-world conversation and Twitter @replies. You wouldnt believe how many death threats I got when people thought I was playing Spider Man, said the elder Glover, of no relation to Donald Glover. Most of them were hand delivered, too. Its hard being friends with Mel Gibson.

Despite the excitement from many music fans, some were skeptical.

Related:

Ive been a fan of Danny Glover forever, but I just cannot see him as a rapper. Hes simply too old for this shit, said rap historian Jeremy Walsh as he patted himself on the back.

In addition to his work as Fatherly Gambino, Glover is planning to pen a dramatic series with undertones of social commentary.

Its about a town in Georgia where my mother grew up, Glover said. Its something Ive thought about doing for a long time. The TV landscape has changed so much; I think executives would allow me the creative control I need.

While the full Fatherly Gambino album is not set...

17:58

The noise this penguin makes falling over is us most of the time "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Source

The post The noise this penguin makes falling over is us most of the time appeared first on The Poke.

17:39

Faceswapping Justin Trudeau with Theresa May gives you an 80s era Gary Numan "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theresa May is in Canada to discuss plans for a post-Brexit trade deal, and this faceswap of her and Justin Trudeau results in him looking like a 1980s synth-pop star.

Are Friends Electric? The one on the left is certainly a robot

The post Faceswapping Justin Trudeau with Theresa May gives you an 80s era Gary Numan appeared first on The Poke.

16:01

Frankie Boyle has written about nuclear war and its required reading "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Frankie Boyle has written about nuclear war over on Facebook and theres lots to enjoy, even when hes contemplating an impending apocalypse.

And here it is in full.

Its impossible to imagine what its like to be killed in a nuclear explosion, but that doesnt mean we shouldnt try. I think it will probably involve being blasted over quite a large distance, and at a surprising height, while simultaneously having all your skin burnt off.

I know we think of it as being an instant death, but theres every chance that there will be a few seconds where youll be sailing out of your local school catchment area, at a height of about a hundred feet or so, as some sort of screaming skeleton. Maybe you will get to see your family melt before the blast picks you up, and your final memory will be of their faces devolving into cubism. Or maybe its more like being smashed to pieces by a wave of rubble. After all those years of driving into town to go to work, or go shopping, your city centre will finally be coming to you, moving at several thousand miles an hour, and hotter than Venus in July.

Donald Trump got himself into yet another war of words with North Korea after they test fired a missile that went over Japan. In a war of words you do not want to be on Trumps side: a man who speaks like hes on shuffle and has a smaller vocabulary than an upturned calculator. Its incredible to see the US take the moral high ground about, of all things, nuking Japan. Bear in mind that Japan a country that specialises in wooden buildings with paper walls. Its odd to think that as millions of people hunkered down in their paper houses during a potential nuclear attack, they were still safer than the many thousands of people in the UK living in high rise social housing.

Trump is like a fat bee bashing around inside a greenhouse repeatedly failing to understand why the world doesnt work as he thought it did. The chances of this unrepentant lunatic starting World War III are surely very high. Often, when I hear Trump talk even the most egregious garbage about wanting to strip people of their healthcare, or exile children, Im actually just glad that hes talking about the future, weighing his words like I would those of a possible suicide. This is a man who obsesses over winning, and uses success as his single metric for evaluating humanity, who has become the key player in a game which it is impossible too win.

Who would win in an all out conflict with North Korea? My best guess is a guy in Tokyo who knows how to catch and roast rats, who owns a shopping trolley and has t...

15:50

Naming your pets honestly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The perfect name for any cat or small dog.

That said, this one works for most cats

The post Naming your pets honestly appeared first on The Poke.

15:39

There wont be a better reaction to not winning an award than this one "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Best moment of the Emmys.

Its Jackie Hoffman and as you can probably tell by now, she lost out to fellow nominee, Laura Dern, at last nights Emmys.

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

READ MORE

James Corden gets hard time for cosying up to Sean Spicer at the Emmys

Source

The post There wont be a better reaction to not winning an award than this one appeared first on The Poke.

15:32

Scary Clowns make a Resurgence - Seen stalking the halls of Whitehouse "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Codenamed by the FBI as Buffoon Clown Axis of Evil, they are considered World Public Enemy Number 1 according to a report by every security and policing agency in the US and the EU. Buffoon Clown Axis of Evil are wanted for crimes against humanity...

15:25

10 responses to make you feel better about Boris Johnson "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

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14:14

Leaked: Trumps notes for his speech to the United Nations tomorrow "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump is to make his first speech before UN General Assembly tomorrow, and if these leaked notes are anything to go by, the attendees are in for a treat

The post Leaked: Trumps notes for his speech to the United Nations tomorrow appeared first on The Poke.

13:11

Half of all boxing photos look like gay weddings "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

How did we never spot this before?

Which got us thinking, which of these is a boxing photo and which is a gay wedding?

Big fight or wedding night?

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13:05

If theres a better chatshow entrance than Nicolas Cage on Wogan, wed like to see it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Seriously though, if youve got a better one, please share it.

Love Wogans response.

Well understatements the watchword tonight.

And here is his whole appearance. He appears a tiny bit distracted.

Source

The post If theres a better chatshow entrance than Nicolas Cage on Wogan, wed like to see it appeared first on The Poke.

13:05

People are giving James Corden a hard time for cosying up to Sean Spicer at the Emmys "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

People werent happy with former Donald Trump mouthpiece Sean Spicers comedy appearance at the Emmy awards.

And they were especially unhappy with this picture of James Corden giving the king of alternative facts a big kiss on the cheek.

Heres how people responded online.

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12:00

Jack White Diagnosed With Early Onset Johnny Depp "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NASHVILLE, Tenn. Famed musician Jack White was diagnosed with early onset Johnny Depp yesterday following a routine check up, according to friends and family.

His facial hair changed, and suddenly he was even more egotistical than normal, said longtime family friend Craig Harbart. When he started carrying around a small dog in a $25,000 satchel, I feared the worst.

According to medical experts, Johnny Depp is socio-degenerative condition disproportionately affecting celebrities, slowly increasing their insufferability with age.

Due to the stigma surrounding Johnny Depp, most individuals dont discuss the disease publicly, said Dr. Lena Harris, a pioneering researcher in the Johnny Depp field. Early symptoms tend to develop in middle age, and can include excessive displays of scarves, jewelry, and black clothing. From there, patients may make dick-ish comments in public, buy eccentric homes, or appropriate Native American culture.

A network of friends and family have supported White as he comes to terms with his diagnosis. Both of Whites ex-wives have hosted separate, poorly attended charity fundraisers, while members of Third Man Vault, Whites official record club, now wear red headbands in solidarity.

Related:

Jack is currently on a regimen of 30 clove cigarettes a day, said ex-wife and primary care giver Karen Elson. Its still a lot, but the doctor says this is to avoid shocking Jacks system. We need to fight Johnny Depp slowly. Well start with the cigarettes, then Hunter S. Thompson books, and move on to gypsy jazz guitar. From there, Jack should make a full recovery and transition back to his normal life.

Doctors have instructed White to remain at his home in Nashville with only his acetate records, old-timey photo booths, and James Browns 1974 drivers license to entertain him.

Its good that we caught the disease so early, said Dr. Harris. With treatment, we should be able to stop it before it develops into full-blown Steven Tyler.

Take a trip over to our virtual merch ta...

11:42

This Archie comic strip suggests that girls start a sex work union "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You can find some gems in old Archie comics. In this one, the girls start a sex work union. says @Juanitamcritch over on Twitter.

Well get all the girls together and charge the guys for our dates!

Money?

Like an organised union?

Also enjoyed these replies:

Source: Twitter/@juanitamcritch

The post This Archie comic strip suggests that girls start a sex work union appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

I own the van and my mum washes the kit, Rooney reminds team-mates "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Wayne Rooney has provided a timely reminder to fellow Manchester United players of his value to the team, following his appearance on the subs bench last weekend and ongoing speculation that he is out of favour with new manager Jose Mourinho.

Out of interest, how are you guys getting to Stoke next weekend? Rooney asked a crowded dressing room after Saturday comfortable win over Leicester City. Obviously, I usually take us in my Ford Transit. Nice and warm in there with the underseat heating, we can crank up the tunes on the stereo, but it does kinda depend on whether Im actually playing.

I guess little Marcus Rashford could take you all, continued Rooney. Oh, except he hasnt taken his driving test yet, has he? Zlatan could drive you in his Volvo, but itll mean a few trips. A real selection dilemma for the boss, isnt it? Oh and Chris, give my love to your granny wont you? Never mind why, just do it.

Might as well take your dirty kit home with you too today, added Rooney, pursing his lips. My mum wont be able to wash it anymore, if Im not involved. I love those Summer Fresh conditioner tablets shes been using recently, dont you? Wont matter so much for you Pogba, as you dont make any tackles, but for everyone else well, Im sure youll sort something out.

Rooney also announced that a number of other team activities could be under threat if he wasnt playing. These include his popular annual trip to Chessington Wold of Adventure, regular sleepovers and playdates at his house and his legendary funded trips to the sweet shop near their Carrington training ground, nicknamed Wagon Wheels with Wayne by fellow players.

Jose Mourinho responded by suggesting that Rooney needs to adapt to the inexorable passage of years and expand his portfolio of activities. If he wants to continue to pull in a big salary he needs to take on more media work, perhaps? suggested the Special One. A legend from Merseyside, interested in dough and making a decent crust, still good in short bursts for an hour a week during the Autumn season? I hear the Great British Bake Off may have some opportunities.

10:50

Susanna Reid owning Piers Morgan will make your Monday better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With a question like that he was probably asking for it. And he got it.

Its reassuring to know that even in these troubled times, some things can still bring the nation together.

Maybe this is the sort of exchange she was thinking about.

READ MORE

Watch every time Susanna Reid takes down Piers Morgan

Source

The post Susanna Reid owning Piers Morgan will make your Monday better appeared first on The Poke.

10:09

This Spy Who Loved Me poster from Ghana is how all James Bond posters should look "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

@Pulplibrarian over on Twitter has shared a brilliant James Bond poster:

The car is amazing! notes @Thefreedom35s.

Bond is often criticised as formulaic but it was brave of the producers to make the main villain a fish. says @Mrchris_t.

The artist clearly wrote you before scrubbing it out and overwriting with me says @Cyberbloke.

And a quick photoshop to see how that looks in the film:

Source: Twitter/@PulpLibrarian<

The post This Spy Who Loved Me poster from Ghana is how all James Bond posters should look appeared first on The Poke.

08:52

This letter nails why the younger generation are screwed with housing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

@Peterstefanovi2 over on Twitter has spotted this great letter and says, If you only read one thing today make it this.

Tell me about it. I doubt Ill ever own a home and will end up throwing money away on rent. Guess I should stop eating that avocado toast writes @Femalephilomath.

House my parents bought in 1976 should be worth 85,000 according to Bank Of England inflation calc. Its actually 900k. Young being shafted writes @Joezblair.

Also exacerbated by private landlords buying up 1000s of properties to rent out, we have become a nation of magnolia walls & brown carpet says @Smiffytheforce.

Source: Twitter/@PeterStefanovi2

The post This letter nails why the younger generation are screwed with housing appeared first on The Poke.

08:04

Oddest moment at the Emmys Sean Spicer does a Sean Spicer impression "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

How too soon is this? About 100 years too soon? Former Donald Trump mouthpiece Sean Spicer you remember makes a joke of himself at the Emmys on Sunday night.

Were with you, Melissa McCarthy, who did that impression of him on Saturday Night Live. Two fingers.

And these people.

07:48

10 tips to improve your life #159 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Together with Twop Twips we present you with another ten totally useless tips to help you live your life to the full.

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07:27

Elon Musk To Fix South Australias Soft Serve Machines While Hes At It "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Another week and another big announcement from business magnate and entrepreneur Elon Musk. After pledging to solve South Australias energy crisis, Musk has now taken up the challenge of solving the Soft Serve problem at Mcdonalds across the free settler state. I understand that here in Australia you guys cant seem []

The post Elon Musk To Fix South Australias Soft Serve Machines While Hes At It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:29

Michael Cheika asks rhinos to grant David Pocock a sabbatical "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Coach Michael Cheika travelled to the plains of Zimbabwe over the weekend to personally ask a crash of local rhinoceroses to grant flanker-turned-conservationist David Pocock a sabbatical from his work there to rejoin the Wallabies squad in time for the next test match in Bloemfontein. Facing the Springboks in a race to the bottom, []

The post Michael Cheika asks rhinos to grant David Pocock a sabbatical appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:18

Local Girl Finally Bites The Bullet And Checks Damage To Bank Account After Weekend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a big hit-out over the weekend, local Betoota event planner, Casey Lee (24) has finally stopped putting of the inevitable, and checked her bank account. The only thing worse than checking the actual amount in my bank account is pretending nothing is wrong and having my card decline at woolies she []

The post Local Girl Finally Bites The Bullet And Checks Damage To Bank Account After Weekend appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:38

Abbott Spotted Outside His Daughters House Spraying Hose Into Australia Post Box "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Prime Minister and current face of the Australian No Campaign Tony Abbott has been photographed today spraying a hose into a post box out front of his daughters house in suburban Melbourne. It is believed the staunch Catholic member for Waringah was attempted to damage and destroy his daughters survey response []

The post Abbott Spotted Outside His Daughters House Spraying Hose Into Australia Post Box appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:57

Local Neurosurgeon Says He Still Hasnt Mastered Cutting A Mango Up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular young neurosurgeon at Betoota Private Hospital has spoken of the difficulty he faces in cutting up mangoes, saying its often easier to cut up someones head. Brendan Windsor [pictured with parrot], explained to The Advocate that he either leaves too much flesh on the seed or ends up []

The post Local Neurosurgeon Says He Still Hasnt Mastered Cutting A Mango Up appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:33

Brisbanes Drunken Assaults Halved By Hiring Official Referees For Valley Cab Ranks "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT FORGET the lock-out laws, forget the ID scanners the key to lowering drunken assaults in premier Queensland nightlife strips is to provide a safe space for macho Australians with poor emotional intelligence to punch on face to face. Its just one of the new measures to be trialled by the State []

The post Brisbanes Drunken Assaults Halved By Hiring Official Referees For Valley Cab Ranks appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:07

Watching Slayer Live Gave Me the Courage to Tell My Girlfriend I Sacrificed Her Cat to Satan "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Music sets you free. Its like an enema for your soul. I know that sounds like lame hippie shit, but its true. I felt it on Saturday when I saw Slayer live. Hearing Kerry King and Gary Holt shred their fingers on Angel of Death gave me the courage to finally man up and tell my girlfriend Sheila what happened to her cat.

I havent had the heart to tell Sheila that I sacrificed Mr. Whiskers to my Lord Satan. Instead, Ive spent the last three weeks putting up flyers for her missing calico. I keep trying to find the right time to take her aside and tell her how he died with dignity, but the courage has escaped me. I want to tell her how he gazed silently at me with his pleading eyes as I carved his heart out with the sharpened tip of a rams horn, I really do. But whenever the time seems right, Ive chickened out.

I didnt have the guts to tell her about any of this until Slayer showed me the way. Listening to their brutal thrash reminded me that I have a duty as a loving boyfriend and devout Satanist to always be honest about my blasphemous transgressions.

Related: Its Been Six Days And Sleep Are Still Playing (Please Send Food)

As the band tore through South Of Heaven, I pictured how I was going to tell her. I couldnt leave any details out, it wouldnt be right. She needs to know how cute Mr. Whiskers sounded when he tried meowing along to our black mass chants right before we crushed his windpipe.

She has a right to know about the foul homunculi who were brought to life by Satans magick, and how they licked her cats blood off the cavern floor like honey. Ill always remember the slurping sounds they made as they wet their rows of serrated sharks teeth with Mr. Whiskers vital essence, and soon this image will be ingrained in Sheilas mind forever too.

By the time Slayer was playing Raining Blood for their encore, I had already texted Sheila a picture of the altar we made out of Mr. Whiskers gutted corpse. It felt so good to get this secret off my chest! Its going to be weird at home for a bit, but well work through this. Everything is gonna fine so long as she doesnt find out what I did to Admiral Woof Woof.

01:40

QUIZ: Are You Smart Enough to Enjoy the Subtle Intricacies in Rick and Morty, Like Me? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Rick and Morty is one of the most popular shows on television right now, which is surprising because I am one of the only people in the entire world who is smart enough to understand the jokes told in it.

Do you have what it takes to join my ranks? (You dont) 
Take the quiz and find out!

Question 1:

When Rick creates a robot that can only pass butter, you laughed. But do you even know what it is a reference to?

The fact that existence is pain and we all fit into our slave roles in the pathetic universe we call society, as described by Karl Marx in one of his many books that most people have never heard of.

Isaac Asimovs rules of robotics. When Rick says you and me both, he is referring to the idea that we all must follow the basic rules set out for us by our masters.

The sick reality that we force those weaker than us to serve us the stolen materials from animals that we slaughter in factory farmsa fact that very few people know about because they are too stupid to open their eyes.

I do not know. I only laughed because I wanted you to like me. I have always looked up to you and admired your obviously superior intelligence.

Question 2:

I heard you say Wubba lubba dub dub! to one of your friends the other day. Do you even know what that means?

Wubba lubba dub dub! It i...

00:40

Erwin Schrdinger named Crystal Palace manager "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Famous quantum physicist Erwin Schrdinger has been named the new manager of Crystal Palace football club, their fifth in less than a year.

The surprise choice explained his strategy in a hastily convened press conference. The very act of observing something changes the thing observed, he explained. Until observed, the thing exists simultaneously in all possible states.

I would therefore recommend Palace fans simply dont check the score after games, especially the next few against Man Utd, Man City and Chelsea. In this way, the possibility of Palace having won, or at least not embarrassed themselves, continues to exist. Its thought that many Palace fans have already adopted this strategy.

However, some sceptics insist that Palace will still have lost, whether individual fans check the result or not, and that in any case the unbearable smugness of Chelsea fans in particular will be impossible to avoid.

Schrdinger then tried another tack, saying that every possible result exists simultaneously somewhere in the multiverse, and there is a universe somewhere in which Palace have made a confident start to the season and now look unstoppable favourites to win the League. Its just a shame this isnt the universe they show on Match of the Day.

YaBasta

00:28

Confused Millennials Gather Around Post Box Not Sure How To Post SSM Survey "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hundreds of thousands of baffled young people are currently standing around little red post boxes all over Australia not sure how to post the letter containing their SSM survey.

Theres a slot on the front of it that must be some kind of ventilation system but nothing for me to press to send my form, said beard trimmer mechanic Kelvin Prendergast.

I sent my form off hours ago and havent got a single like yet or one solitary pink heart even, said avocado grader Alex Willoughby, staring plaintively at the slot in the post box.

Im guessing this works on face recognition technology like the new i-phone but Ive been smashing my head into it for hours and it still wont open, said Ellen Ainsworth, unemployed.

I went to visit my grandpa to ask his advice on how to mail a letter but as usual he just ran me off his property with his shotgun and accused me of wanting to murder him so I could get his house, said Christopher Maclean, unemployed.

I think it might be some kind of tap and go system, but to be sure Ive walked all over the neighbourhood and tapped my survey on several of these boxes, said apprentice selfie stick whittler Angela Agos...

00:12

Donald Trumps weirdest tweet yet hitting Hillary Clinton with a golf ball "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Wed call it peak Donald Trump but we know better than that, after the so-called president shared a mocked-up video of him hitting Hillary Clinton with a golf ball.

Heres what he retweeted.

And the video in full.

Just the president of the free world condoning violence against women. Or big LOLs. Depending on your point of view.

We tend towards this one.

Or this.

Or indeed this.

...

Sunday, 17 September

21:47

Elderly spoof writer "mis-under estimates" entire generation! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

I have found that in my spoof writing that I have been particularly harsh when it comes to the generation known as...millennials. Yes, I have also spoofed my own generation but I suspect it has been with a much lighter tone and a more generous demean...

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