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Tuesday, 14 August

00:55

Bono grants an audience to Pope Francis during upcoming Irish visit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Irelands most saintly man, U2 lead-singer Bono, has announced that he has granted Pope Francis an audience with him later this year. Its understood that the historic meeting will take place in Dublin next month when His Holiness visits Ireland, with the full schedule expected to be published on the bands website nearer the time.

A Vatican spokesman said: This will be a truly amazing event and The Holy Father is already counting down the days. He is a great admirer of Bonos tireless good works and the many miracles that have been attributed to him over the years. Hes even thinking of bringing his U2 CD collection and asking for them all to be autographed, although is prepared to be disappointed if Bono is unable to find the time or inclination to do this.

Speaking to Rolling Stone magazine in Dallas where he is in the middle of yet another world tour with the band, Bono said: I thought the time was right for this meeting to go ahead. It will help strengthen and legitimise The Popes position around the world and indeed I know my acceptance of his status will be seen as positive force globally.

Of course there are a few issues well need to discuss, adds the sainted frontman, Like his claim of infallibility for instance, because lets face it, the world is only big enough for one person to shoulder that burden for mankind and the jobs already taken, Frankie.

Meanwhile the Dalai Lama commented: Im not familiar with this Pope fellow, but if Bono is happy enough to meet with him then that is good enough for me.

00:45

Turnbull Guarantees Power Bills Will Fall $550 By 2014 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Malcolm Turnbull says Australians can expect their electricity bills drop dramatically over the past four years.

In a press conference to promote the National Energy Guarantee, Mr Turnbull said the policy would take the pressure off the cost of living in 2014. This is about investing in our future, he said.

Hard working Australian families can expect their bills to start coming down before the end of the previous term of government, he said.

Tony Abbott, has opposed the policy, saying 2014 seems too far away.

00:15

Coles Release Series Of Collectable Mini Choked Sea Animals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

coles

The offending Anzac Highway store.

Supermarket chain Coles has announced that following on from the success of its mini collectable grocery items it will be releasing a series of mini collectable sea creatures that have choked on discarded plastic shopping bags.

Shoppers will be able to collect such items as a tiny replica loggerhead sea turtle with a Coles plastic bag stuck halfway down its gullet, confirmed Coles marketing executive Ray Markup. The range will also include an octopus with its legs trapped inside a plastic bag, a dugong with a plastic bag caught on its flipper and a red footed booby with its neck caught in the handles of a plastic bag.

Ive got three spare mini stormy petrels with plastic bags in their windpipe that Im willing to swap for a rare mini wandering albatross with a plastic bag wedged in its lower intestines, said desperate shopper Fiona Flybuys. Im hoping to get a mini dolphin with a plastic bag in its blowhole next time I spend thirty dollars and then Ill have the complete set....

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Monday, 13 August

20:10

Hillary Clinton Clones Walk The Earth "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Last Wednesday, within a four-hour timespan, disgraced presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was spotted in three states, thousands of miles apart, fueling speculation that an army of Clinton clones or robots now walks the earth and that the real Hillary Clinton either is dead or hiding in a Deep State underground bunker.

At approximately 1:00 PM UTC, a journalist with the Washington Beacon photographed Clinton and her co-conspirator, Barack Hussein

Obama, dining at a posh Chicago eatery. Less than an hour later, Clinton magically appeared near her Chappaqua, NY mansion, where she signed a fans copy of her manifesto What Happened? in which she blamed Donald Trump and working-class Americans for her 2016 presidential defeat. Two hours later, Clinton was in California attending a Democratic fundraiser. She gave an hour-long sermon during which she blamed Trumps failed environmental policies for causing the California wildfires.

Politicization aside, there is no plausible wayshort of teleportationClinton could have travelled from Chicago to New York to California in a few hours, not even aboard the fastest military jets. Whether clone or robot, Clinton has an uncanny knack for simultaneously showing up at multiple venues. In fact, a similar occurrence happened on Friday.  At 2:00 PM EST, witnesses at JFK international airport saw Clinton boarding a flight to Heathrow; at the same time, she entertained a troupe of affluent financial backers at a hotel in Sarasota, Florida.

Based on these facts, three distinct possibilities exist: robots, clones, or an unfathomable number of body doubles. Speaking exclusively to Nibiru News/Someonesbones.com, Dr. Peter Gaskell, a robotics...

19:31

Revolutionary Communist Party of Argentina Still Exists, they report "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

westillexist

BUENOS AIRES Our top secret Argentine source report that members of the almost-ICOR member/affiliate PCR (Revolutionary Communist Party) of Argentina continues to exist, according to extremely credible information passed to them by the PCR itself, stating, and we quote we are still holding it down for all the clowns in this bourgeois town.

The reasons for the use of English to correspond between Argentine and Argentine could not be ascertained. Top dialecticians at the Spatula suspect that the PCR is so incredibly cognisant of the totality of class struggle that they foresaw that this statement would be significant to the Spatula, and would have to be translated to English accordingly.

Alternatively, perhaps we made up the quote for a gag on our stupid page.

Confirming that they still hate Deng and everything and Trots should get shot, the elusive and ROL-friendly Argentine Maoists sent in several photographs of themselves talking to the masses, which were very impressive, proletarian, and dialectical. We did see a photo of them drinking wine, but its Argentina, so thats proletarian there, right? In Turkey wine is so expensive that even the cheapest of beer reeks of petty bourgeois decadence, and in the rest of the normal world, wine is a bit French, innit?

Despite repeated e-mails, by time of press, no confirmation could be found that the hardest Argentine guerrillas of all time, the...

18:30

Church of Scientology Exposed as Nothing but Thousands of Undercover Filmmakers "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

GILMAN HOT SPRINGS, Calif. Every single member of the Church of Scientology were found last week to be undercover documentary filmmakers who only joined to try to expose the controversial religions practices, according to a recent report from the churchs headquarters.


I realized something was up when I recognized President Heber Jentzsch from an expose on expiration date fraud at Kroger, said Scientology spokeswoman Karin Pouw, herself an investigative journalist for KNBC news, the Los Angeles NBC affiliate. Sometimes, you couldnt hear anyone in meetings over the whirring of recording devices sounds everyone blamed on air conditioning.

Investigators found the conspiracy had spread throughout Scientology leadership. Vice President Bob Adams turned out to have a deal with Netflix, while Michelle Stith, President of the Church of Scientology-Los Angeles, was a producer on the TV show Restaurant Stakeout. Meanwhile, President of the Church of Scientology-New York John Carmichael is, in reality, Oscar-winning documentarian Errol Morris.

I was just a beat reporter for the Bucks County Courier Times when I was assigned to look into this Hubbard guy in 1975, Chairman of the Board David Miscavige admitted during a press conference. When I realized how wacko this supposed religion really was, I decided to make a film to see how far I could push this. I have something like 300,000 hours of footage.

According to reports, the undercover membership wasnt limited to leadership: the youthful Sea Org was actually the entire USC film school class of 2012, and the Citizens Commission on Human Rights was, in fact, VICE headquarters. Allegedly, all members of the Church of Scientology-Tokyo are knowing participants on the reality show Supsukuramu Kazan-Shin [Space Clam Volcano God].

I walked into the Clearwater center in 1990 wearing a giant hat with a camera in it, admitted Scientologys most famous member, actor Tom Cruise. I did it as a goof to kill time on the set of Days Of Thunder. I totally thought Id get busted, but no one said anything. Turns out, all the real members fled years ago.

At press time, church leaders were preparing for a highly-contested legal battle to record the voice-over work on a 12 part mini-series expected to air on Showtime next summer.

The post Church of Scientology Exposed as Nothing but Thousands of Undercover Filmmakers appeared first on The Hard Times.

16:17

Man Who Dips Toe Back Into World of Warcraft Quickly Loses Job, Friends, Apartment "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

SOUTH BEND, Ind. Casual World of Warcraft fan Michael Andor reportedly told friends that he was just looking dip his toes back into the massively multiplayer online role-playing game, only to let his life crumble around him mere days after pre-ordering the latest expansion Battle for Azeroth.

I hadnt played in years. I just wanted to re-familiarize myself with the world and the gameplay, Andor said while waiting on hold with his bank to convince them to waive overdraft fees. First I went to organize my bank and next thing I knew, I hadnt showered in four days.

Andor was let go from his job after using up all his paid-time off and then not showing up, or even alerting them to his absence. His supervisor even reportedly sent the police to Andors home to do a wellness check after fearing the worst; South Bend first responders had to break Andors door down when no response came after five minutes of knocking.

From the state and stench of the apartment, we assumed the place had been ransacked and the occupant killed and left to rot for weeks, Officer Ty Baxter told reporters. However, we found Mr. Andor alive in his bedroom, alternating between disenchanting his excess gear and selling the shards and dust on the auction house, and surrounded in the real world by Dominos pan pizza boxes and Moes nacho containers, a meal combination he told us he called A Taste of Mexaly.

Loved ones who reached out to help Andor found their messages went unanswered; childhood friend Ron Grant even created a character in World of Warcraft to try and contact Andor electronically.

I found him by chance queuing up for Antorus, the Burning Throne raid, after some kind Redditors told me a man lost in WoW would be grabbing last minute achievements before the new expansion drops, Grant told reporters. I had never played WoW before, so I bought it just to find him. First I tried leveling a character from scratch, but that sixty to eighty slog is fucking bullshit, so I just dropped sixty bucks to boost my guy to max level because Mike is my friend and I love him.

Anyway, now were both at max level together in a guild we co-founded and are planning to raid nightly when BfA drops, Grant continued. My own husband and job are long gone.

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16:00

Ryanair satisfaction ratings soar as strike action bites "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As flights have been cancelled at virtually no notice across the continent, Ryanair customers have spoken out about their experience since the strike began. I was told at the check-in that my flight had been cancelled, said Pete today. Thats much sooner than normal Im normally turfed out of my seat two minutes before take off and have to scour the seats to find my wife to tell her Im not flying, he said today.

Ashley, from Kent, said her wedding plans were in total disarray thanks to the strike. I was planning to ditch my boyfriend at the altar in Malta, but now Im forced to do the dirty in Canterbury, she said, noting that she wouldnt have to spend two weeks sitting on sun-kissed beaches listening to him whine at her. Result, if you ask me. Thank you bloody Ryanair, she added.

A Ryanair spokesman noted that the strike was only for 24 hours and that most passengers hadnt noticed that their flights were cancelled, late, overbooked and landing in the wrong airports, he said, just like normal.

15:46

Favourite 19 things people said about this picture of Donald Trump and his biker pals "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Donald Trump hanging with his biker buddies at a Bikers for Trump rally at his New Jersey golf club.

Lots of people think the picture is photoshopped but no, the guy in the suit really is the president of the United States.

And here are the our favourite 19 things people said about the picture (and occasionally messed around with it too).

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15:30

Stacys Mom Dead at 53 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WAYNE, N.J. World-renowned MILF Stacys mom, made famous by rock band Fountains of Wayne, died suddenly last night due to a heart attack at the age of 53, sources close to the family confirmed.

I was watching her out at the pool all day, said 18-year-old David Anderson, who described Stacys mom as his guardian angel. Then I saw her grab her chest and run inside, all nervous like. I got worried, you know? So I called 911, and they took her away in an ambulance. If I hadnt been spying on her like always, who knows how long it wouldve been until they found her? Its a shame she passed before I could work up the courage to talk to her.

Stacys mom, who recently returned from a business trip to Toronto, allegedly showed no signs of distress before the incident.

Im truly going to miss her, acknowledged Stacys moms daughter, Stacy. She was a great mom, and an even better friend. Im just nervous that the memorial this weekend is gonna be filled with a bunch of creepy dudes with middle-parted hair, wearing unwashed dress shirts.

For their part, mourners around the world are expressing their grief over the sudden passing of their favorite hot mom.

Ill always remember that time I mowed your lawn and you winked at me. #RIPSTACYSMOM, Twitter user @milf_hunter69 tweeted. Another user, @dustybubble_doubletrouble wrote, Even in death, she had it goin on #milf #RIPSATCYSMOM.

The memorial for Stacys mom will be held in her hometown of Wayne, N.J. As part of the celebration of a life well-loved, Fountains of Wayne agreed to a one-time only reunion to pay their respects.

There was something exceptional about Stacys mom, Fountains of Wayne frontman Chris Collingwood said. Every time I listen to that sick guitar solo key change towards the end, I feel memories of Stacys mom rush through my loins.

Stacys mom will reportedly be buried in her trademark red bathing suit this weekend. Meanwhile, her family has asked that people stop sending donations.

Seriously stop sending us pictures of your dicks, said Stacy. Thats not how you win over women. My mom had to change her phone number every three months because of you sick freaks.

The post Stacys Mom Dead at 53 appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:06

Toby Youngs identified why university applications are down our favourite 19 responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres the always reliable right wing commentator Toby Young offering his hot take on why there arent as many people applying to go to university these days.

And lets not forget that Young was chosen by the government to lead its new university watchdog until everyone else pointed out how inappropriate that would be.

Universities just not racist is enough is a hot take we hadnt come across before. And neither had this lot.

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14:40

Alex Jones has been ranting again and the takedowns were very satisfying indeed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

InfoWars mouthpiece, Alex Jones, is still clinging onto his social media presence by his fingertips. Hes well known for making outrageous claims and statements, including suggesting that a coating inside orange juice cartons is turning people gay and that he could prove that Michelle Obama is a man. Moving on

He recently made one of his many pompous and largely meaningless pronouncements.

The internet wasnt going to let this pass without comment these are the 24 most hilariously dismissive reactions

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14:25

GQ thinks this is a stockier build our 17 favourite things people said about it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres GQ magazine offering some essential fashion advice for men with a stockier build looking for a natty pair of swim shorts.

Except it felt like there was something not quite right about that picture, and these 17 people pointed it out in the most entertaining way.

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13:16

Bucks Party Waiting Till Very Last Minute To Discuss Whose Card Is Taking The Hit At Hotel "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |Contact There was an elephant in the room at a bucks party this weekend. Not the fact that the grooms wife to be had explicitly outlined what she would do if there were strippers present over the weekend. But who would be taking the bullet and giving their credit card to []

The post Bucks Party Waiting Till Very Last Minute To Discuss Whose Card Is Taking The Hit At Hotel appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:01

This was the best moment of the new football season and it didnt happen on the pitch "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Premier League is back as if you couldnt fail to have noticed and the best moment of the first weekends football didnt happen on the pitch.

It was Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp celebrating one of his teams four goals against West Ham.

No wonder he wears those glasses.

Source

The post...

13:00

Apple`s victory In first Trillion Dollar company race marred by doping scandal "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Apple has won the race to become the first trillion dollar company as individual shares careered through the $207.05 barrier, beating rivals Google and Facebook to the coveted post.

Apples success, say some, is due to a genius strategy of re-inventing the wheel. To date, there have been 18 different versions of the iphone that no one really needs. Expertly creating phoney money and fake wealth, while using low labour costs in oppressive China sweat factories has been hailed as a blueprint for business success.

Accolades have stalled following rumours that CEO, Tim Cook had been seen taking possession of a jiffy bag said to contain performance enhancing items. The tech giants cash pile now makes it richer than 141 Countries, approximately the same amount where it does not pay due corporation tax.

Cook has moved swiftly to claim therapeutic exemption usage, saying that not paying tax is crucial towards sustaining company health. Indeed, he added that he feels much better for it, himself.

Moreover the so called clandestine relocation of key operations to Jersey was not intended to deceive since the news was widely reported in the media, with extensive coverage appearing in the Paradise Papers. Dismissing calls to produce a medical note from a qualified practitioner, Cook laughingly reminded Journalists that:
An apple a day keeps the Doctor awaydo you not know that?

12:14

Someones dog did this and its the best animal impression youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A new breed of crocodile has been spotted in the South Wales woodland and the sped with which it reads to nearby prey is just terrifying.

All thats missing is an Attenborough commentary on top.

The post Someones dog did this and its the best animal impression youll see this week appeared first on The Poke.

12:09

Best choreographed demolition youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Some demolitions are more satisfying than others. This one definitely belongs to more satisfying.

Wait for it, wait for it.

Beautifully done, everyone!

No, THIS is art (sorry).

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11:54

11 times older people struggled with technology in a very relatable way "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Technology evolves at a ridiculous pace. By the time you get your hands on the latest gadget, theres often a new gadget just around the corner that will make yours look like something Fred Flintstone might use. Spare a thought, therefore, for the Baby Boomers those born between the end of World War II and the early 60s.

Although many of them will have developed the technology you grew up with, a whole load of them are still amazed at cordless phones. So, when they try to engage with such things as the internet and texting, a lot can go wrong. These 11 examples are proof of that.

1. Sending a text is a lot like using Google


via

2. Saving names in your phone is tricky


via

3. Those tiny letters arent easy to type


via

4. Predictive text can get away from you

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11:00

Twenty-minute Facebook outage leaves millions of dinners unphotographed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A national panic was triggered on Friday evening after a twenty-minute Facebook outage left millions of users unable to upload sepia-toned pictures of what they were having for tea. The downtime, which is the second the network has experienced in as many months, also left many unable to tag themselves in the airport, share even more photos of their dogs, or tell people that theyre waiting for a BT engineer to arrive.

42-year-old Sandra Hough from Birmingham, who religiously shares a photo of a bottle of Summer Fruits Kopparberg with the telly in the background on a Friday, was also left frustrated. This is the one time of the week I get a few hours to relax and take several photos of my drink, but its totally meaningless if Im unable to show the whole f***ing world.  I havent spoken to these people for decades, but its imperative that they know when Im trying to relax with an artificially flavoured cider.

The health and fitness industry was also dealt a severe blow, as gyms and fitness classes across the country were left eerily empty for nearly half an hour. Everybody knows that a workout in the gym is effectively pointless if you cant tell every bastard about it, said LA Fitness gym manager, Simon Thomas.  There were hundreds of people outside waiting to come in, but they were unable to do so until they were sure they could shove it in their friends faces with a status update and a hashtag.

The disastrous loss of service has proven to be a stark reminder to the social media company that they must ensure their servers can avert such incidents in the future.  Weve now added backup servers to ensure this will never happen again, said Facebook CTO, Mike Schroepfer. People who take photographs of their food are either really annoying or just f***ing mental, and were duty-bound to ensure they remain online and away from society.

10:48

An author asked for jokes to kill the boredom in A&E these 21 are so bad, theyre brilliant "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Liverpool author, Frank Cottrell-Boyce is best known for his award-winning books including Millions, Framed and Sputniks Guide to Life on Earth and for the part he played in the creation of the stunning opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympics in London. He also has a popular Twitter account, which he runs with typical good humour and openness.

Recently, he was unfortunate enough to need to pay a visit to the Accident and Emergency department, so knowing hed be in for a long wait he asked Twitter to entertain him with some jokes.

Were not saying you wont have heard these before, but we are saying that theyre so bad, theyre actually really funny. Enjoy.

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10:16

Random Souths Guy Spotted At Domestic Korean Ping Pong Tournament In Gangnam District "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Forget Austin Powers, the real international man of mystery is the Random Souths Guy. That fabled guy has today appeared in the crowd at some Table Tennis tournament in the heart of the three Gangnam districts within the South Korean capital of Seoul. For a few years now, the random fan has been []

The post Random Souths Guy Spotted At Domestic Korean Ping Pong Tournament In Gangnam District appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:12

An alt-right guy said this about Idris Elba as James Bond 17 killer responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres been lots of speculation that Idris Elba will be the next James Bond and people are really excited about the prospect.

Well, most people are. Not this guy though, Richard Spencer, the co-editor of AltRight.com and president of something called the National Policy Institute.

And here are our favourite 17 responses.

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09:48

Animal-Loving Hunk Graces Tinder With Photo Of Him Petting A Sedated Tiger In Thailand "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Local bachelor, George De Souza (27) says he doesnt use Tinder much, but when he does, he gets a few bites here and there. Aside from his well written 60 word bio about how painfully uninteresting his life is between his job at Betootas TAB head office and his sharehouse living arrangement []

The post Animal-Loving Hunk Graces Tinder With Photo Of Him Petting A Sedated Tiger In Thailand appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:39

What this man did for the little boy sitting by him on the subway will warm your heart "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We seem to live in our phones these days, so its not unusual to see fellow passengers staring at their screens on public transport. When Kia Tatiyana Davis saw a young boy becoming quite engaged with the game being played by the man next to him, she filmed what happened.

She loved it and you will too.

Her first short clip shows the little guy totally engrossed in the proceedings.

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Posted by Kia Tatiyana Davis on Thursday, 9 August 2018

He then chimed in with some suggestions for the man.

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Posted by Kia Tatiyana Davis on Thursday, 9 August 2018

And, in a truly beautiful gesture, the phones owner handed it over to his young fellow traveller so he could play the game for himself.

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08:32

Boris Johnson gave journalists tea instead of answers 19 supremely unimpressed reactions "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As the Conservative Party investigates Boris Johnsons descriptions of niqab- and burqa-wearing Muslim women as looking like letter boxes and bank robbers, there has been a spike in racist attacks using those terms. Meanwhile, the former Foreign Secretary decided to bring a tray of tea out to the journalists who had been at his gate all day.

The diversionary tactic hasnt impressed everyone, however. Including these people.

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08:26

You wont see a stranger (or a funnier) goal all season "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We are grateful to someone called Hayes Creech for sharing this moment from the womens under 20 World Cup. Its such an unusual goal it took us a few watches to work out what the hell was going on.

We cant stop watching.

These ones are pretty weird too.

08:02

Farmer Who Started Destocking A Year Ago Says Hes Right For Drought Relief Thanks "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CINDY PEARSON | Agribusiness | Contact A local grazier has taken to social media today to announce that he doesnt need or want any drought relief at the moment because he identified that times were getting tougher over a year ago. In a lengthy post to Facebook, accompanied by a picture of him and his young family, Wallace Dangerford of Dangerford []

The post Farmer Who Started Destocking A Year Ago Says Hes Right For Drought Relief Thanks appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:29

Jim Davidsons Twitter meltdown will make your day better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In these troubled and divided times we live in, its good to know that there are still things that are capable of bringing the nation together (well, most of it).

Things like Jim Davidsons stand-up tour not entirely going to plan after this happened.

And it didnt end there.

Still, at least lots of people turned up, right Jim? Jim?

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07:14

President Trump Bans Spoof Stories About Himself "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

US President Donald Trump, has addressed the US press corps at the White House this afternoon, and has placed a full and complete ban on ALL spoof stories about himself, especially ones that portray him in a bad light. Mr Trump claims he tired of...

07:02

Trump Unveiled As Subject Of New Book: 'Where's Trumpo?' "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fans of the children's puzzle book series 'Where's Waldo?' will be interested in a new publication along the same lines, for readers of all ages, featuring the President of the United States, Donald Trump, entitled 'Where's Trumpo?' In the origina...

06:53

This guy slagged off the BBC and its the best self-own youll see this week "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres a chap called Tony whos got a beef with the BBC after the Manchester shooting at the weekend that left 10 people in hospital.

Tonys since deleted the tweet but as you can probably see it included a link to this story on, er, the BBC News website. Which prompted these entirely reasonable (and satisfying) replies.

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06:46

Satan Uncomfortable With Overwhelming Success "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a candid one-on-one interview, Satan, the prince of darkness and ruler of all seven circles of Hell, confirmed that he is uncomfortable with the overwhelming success hes acheived in the realm of mortals. While his influence had always been preval...

06:37

Possibly the most important apostrophe Ive ever seen "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The name of this restaurant went viral because, well, have a look for yourself.

Phew, thank goodness for that.

Which reminded someone of this

And all of these.

06:28

Russell Crowe uses LinkedIn and people cant get their heads round it our favourite 11 responses "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Russell Crowes career has taken a few unexpected turns in its time Robin Hood, anyone? but nothing quite as unexpected as this.

What? Russell Crowes on LinkedIn? The revelation prompted all sorts of wonderful responses and here are our favourites.

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06:04

Christine Hamilton said this about burkas and got exactly the responses she deserved "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Christine Hamilton, occasional reality TV person and wife of UKIPs Neil Hamilton, sharing her views on the burka.

Ah, right, so burkas no different to the hoods of the Ku Klux Klan then? These responses should make your day better.

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05:57

Stock Market Goes Down, Then Up, Then Down Again. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The stock market went up, then down, then up, then down, then up, then down. It then rose before dropping. This was quickly followed by an increase, which was interrupted by a fall. The market then went up, then back down. It went up, down, u...

05:47

Katter Family Arrive Heavily-Armed At Queensland Parliament House To Discuss Daylight Savings "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact The Honourable Bob Katter III has today arrived in Brisbane with his son, Mt Isa state Member Robbie Katter, to hold passionate talks with the Southern Cowards that want to fiddle with the clocks. This comes after an exclusive poll by The Courier-Mail revealed that 55 per cent of Queenslanders back a transition []

The post Katter Family Arrive Heavily-Armed At Queensland Parliament House To Discuss Daylight Savings appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:41

Satan Resigns "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The CEO of the underworld released a short statement this morning: I hereby announce my resignation, not because I've done anything wrong, mind you, but because my work here is done. My bucket list for the world is complete. They say it's best...

03:51

Science Behind Glass Kettle In Office Kitchen Still Amazes City Worker Every Time She Sees It "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact With a knowing 11 am nod over the cubical wall at her best work friend, Emma Douglas received one back which meant only one thing. It was tea time. Joined in the kitchen by Emily Carter, the two French Quarter public relations professionals entertained themselves with small talk about the weekend. Which []

The post Science Behind Glass Kettle In Office Kitchen Still Amazes City Worker Every Time She Sees It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:49

Cairns Tourism Operators Begin Retraining Their Staff For Great Barrier Reef Ghost Tours "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A select group of Cairns tourism operators have been praised for their innovation by the Turnbull government today, after it was revealed that certain businesses up north have begun repositioning their services to focus on the death of marine sea-life. They will be known as the Great Barrier Reef Ghost Tours, in []

The post Cairns Tourism Operators Begin Retraining Their Staff For Great Barrier Reef Ghost Tours appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:04

Man Tells Himself He Wont Waste This Weekend Coming Like He Has With Every Other One "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Ok, fuck face, he said, looking himself in the eye. This weekend, youre not going to drink yourself into unconsciousness and then bring yourself back to life with party drugs. Youre going to go bushwalking or fishing or something. Youre going to call your parents, you might even clean []

The post Man Tells Himself He Wont Waste This Weekend Coming Like He Has With Every Other One appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Man who crashed stolen plane appointed head of Brexit strategy "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who closed a Seattle airport by stealing a plane, which he later crashed, has been appointed as the new head of Brexit strategy due to his forward thinking approach.

The unnamed airline employee made an unauthorised takeoff late on Friday, before flying around erratically and then crashing into an island. An almost perfect metaphor for Brexit.

The flight path apparently had no clear aim in mind, doubled back on itself several times, and ultimately ended in fiery destruction. All of which is an improvement on how our current Brexit work is going, so I offered him a job immediately. said Theresa May.

Experts suggest that somebody willing to steal a plane in a spur of the moment decision, do loops in it, and then slam it into the ground, is perfect for steering Britain out of the EU, and likely to come up with a much more coherent plan than the current government.

Assuming he survived the crash he can start work on Monday and Im sure hell show us all a thing or two about forward planning and a coherent approach with a clear end goal in mind, continued Mrs May.

Although even if he died, which is entirely likely, hell still probably do a better job than me.

00:15

Farmers Fight Off Flood Of Breakfast TV Presenters "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

farmer

Farmers in New South Wales and Queensland currently in the midst of a drought have faced a new challenge in recent weeks with a surging flood of breakfast TV presenters bearing down on them.

Mate its been tough, I was out ploughing the fields yesterday and a wave of Today Show crew came rushing past me, said a Bourke based farmer. I feared for my safety and my fields are wrecked.

The bastards set up their cameras and catering in my wheat field. Im ruined.

Police have warned farmers to treat the breakfast TV crews with caution as they are highly persistent and can turn aggressive.

We recommend farmers keep a safe distance away from these crews as not only are they after tales of hardship, they are also after contestants for Farmer Wants a Wife.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

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Sunday, 12 August

23:23

Newly discovered cave paintings depict ancient lives of intense boredom "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It was not all that long ago that fire and wildlife meant everything to mankind. And just because were not into that boring shit anymore doesnt mean we cant still pretend to appreciate 35,000-year-old cave paintings in this news article.

Reddit users were given first glimpse of the cave paintings, which were quickly downvoted off the front page before they could bore anyone else.Reddit users were given first glimpse of the cave paintings, which were quickly downvoted off the front page before they could bore anyone else.

Before seamless.com all humans sustained themselves through hunting, fishing or gathering (get a phone, Cro-Magnons!), according to Dr. Mann Lee Troubadox of the Lebal Drocer Institute for Cellular Data Technology. Troubadox, with his team of nameless indigenous children, recently discovered a swathe of cave paintings that revealed just how boring life was before the newly-refined iPhone X.

We listened to consumers and wish to assure you the new features contained in the iPhone X Plus will piss on Samsungs barbaric emoji keyboard, as Calvin would defiantly piss upon a Ford icon or if youre a Jeff Gordon fan a Chevrolet bow-tie, Troubadox said. My team attempted to downvote every painting on the cave walls, whether it was for a lack of attention to important details, or the artist failed to capture the  aesthetic that a Snapchat filter mightve offered or for other reasons like if the painting was offensive, off-topic, or painted in the wrong sub-cave.

While the Android world is making strides every day in camera technology, it took hundreds of thousands of years for cave paintings to move away from uninteresting tales about hunter/gatherer lifestyle, and into cool shit like marking the sudden appearances of supernovae: star explosions that were once inaccurately attributed to God, before woke cave painters like Banksy could hear Carl Sagan auto-tuned.

...

20:02

Nashville Man Revels in the Absurdity of His Existence "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Kenny Hartwell of Nashville, Tennessee, recently decided to abandon his preconceived notions about what his life should be like and revel in the absurdity of his existence. It's going well, said Kenny of his new approach to life. For instance,...

19:07

Buzz Lightyear Gets Nod To Head Space Force "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tweet TowerSoon after the announcement of the creation of a Space Force, President Trump revealed his intentions to appoint Pixar giant Buzz Lightyear to head this new branch of the military. Lightyear, a twenty year veteran of animated space exploration, has already expressed his excitement and his desire to protect this great country from all space threats while our nations

18:12

Review: We Happy Few Imagines a World Where People Havent Already Played BioShock "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In the latest creation from the Montreal-based developer Compulsion Games, We Happy Few is a wonderful game layered in moral ambiguity that asks players the hard questions, such as: How long are you willing to pretend you havent already seen all of these concepts in 2007s hit series BioShock?

We Happy Few wastes no time establishing an uneasy, yet familiar real setting by introducing a troubled society of masked villains who all rely on a drug called Joy, which is first used to improve their lives, but now hopelessly enslaves them, plunging players into a fascinating world where BioShock didnt already make a game revolving around a troubled society of masked villains who all rely on a drug called Adam, which is first used to improve their lives, but now hopelessly enslaves them.

While the narrative is going to be what keep players engaged throughout their playthrough, the most striking element of We Happy Few is undoubtedly its brilliant visual aesthetic. Drawing from the architecture and art deco stylings of 1960s Britain, and the art deco stylings of 2007s first person shooters, We Happy Fews art design is a visual beauty to behold.

In an interview with Gamasutra, Compulsion Games founder Guillaume Provost explained that the ultimate goal of the game was to Force people to challenge their own perceptions of the world. In a world full of uncertainty and fake news, people need to ask themselves if BioShock really existed and admit that if BioShock isnt a real game, then We Happy Fe.....

16:14

All Scots will know this frustration "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The post All Scots will know this frustration appeared first on The Poke.

16:00

Carragher signs lucrative sponsorship deal with Chewits "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Football pundit and all-round gentleman Jamie Carragher has announced a major sponsorship deal with iconic chewy sweet brand Chewits, as the new football season seems to have finally started at long last.

Carragher commented: Its foochin great laaa. Ah foochin luv Chewits laaa, foochin phlegm-tastic maaaaytt!!.

An interpreter explained: Mr Carragher is absolutely delighted with the deal. Chewits generates an extraordinary amount of salivation which is ideal for Jays signature grochling technique.

Its understood Carragher has trademarked the iconic drive by big greener in your face manoeuvre, which requires exquisite poise and timing to land a howker right on target, whilst over reacting to mild insults in a moving Range Rover Vogue.

Chewits already has a deal in place with Dutch legend Frank Rijkaard, a clinical close-range gobber famous for firing a volley into Voller at the 1990 World Cup.

Pundits are understood to be enthusiastic about the strengthened Chewits team, with ex-pro hardman turned TV comedian Roy Keane commenting: Carra adds long range sniping abilities to Franks quick fire behind your back cover. They could use my Santa beard for target practice.

15:57

15:30

Harley-Davidson Hopes to Court Millennials With New Fixed Gear Motorcycle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

MILWAUKEE Iconic motorcycle manufacturer Harley-Davidson held a press conference this morning, announcing plans to build fixed gear motorcycles to gain favor with a new, younger generation of riders.

Look, we #getit, said the companys Global Director of Marketing, Scott Beck. The last thing you want to do after throwing on that flannel or waxing your moustache is get all sweaty from pedaling down to the organic brewery where you can throw back a few IPAs before checking out the TV on the Radio concert. But dont get your avocado toast in a bunch theres a new fixed gear Harley, just for you.

Get your meme game ready, added Beck. This yeet rides going viral.

The new motorcycle is expected to be fully customizable to fit each customers unique style.

We want our riders to love their bikes, and have it feel like an extension of themselves, said Casey Barret, head of Harley-Davidsons Research and Development team. The new bikes will have special color patterns, and disc wheel upgrades for any rider who wants to take their new Harley on a velodrome.

Early sales are expected to be robust, as reactions from the fixed gear bike community have been largely positive.

Sure, this may have some effect on the sport, said Candice Mason, a spokesperson for the North American Bike Polo Association. But overall, I think its a net positive. Speeding up play just a bit never really hurt anybody.

However, a number of engineering and consumer advocate organizations remain skeptical.

Early tests have been less than ideal, said Sheila Barnowicz of Motorcycle Consumer News. A fixed gear motorcycle by nature only has one gear, which means it will start to pull as soon as you hit about 35 m.p.h., and the horse power is ultimately pretty low. Plus, it starts smoking when it goes past 47 m.p.h., which cant be good.

Ultimately, however, its the reactions from non-bikers that have Harley-Davidson betting high on their new product line.

Its a win-win for me, said local textile artist Maryann Willis. My friend Charlie is the one person I know who rides a fixed gear, and he never shuts up about it. Maybe a Harley would drown out his endless rambling.

The post Harley-Davidson Hopes to Court Millennials With New Fixed Gear Motorcycle appeared first on The Hard Times.

13:00

Corporate manager runs idea up flagpole and accidentally hangs himself "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An area manager for a leading British company was tragically killed today while running an idea up a flagpole to see who salutes. Mark Slickman, a brainstorming can-doer with a winning attitude, is believed to have been reaching for the top when he lost his footing. Police have parked the idea of foul play by putting it on a backburner going forward.

Tributes have flooded in. Junior employee Jane Henson said He was such a great guy. He was always looking under toilet doors to see you werent doing number twos during works time. And he had this thing he did; holding his hand over a naked flame and showing no emotion while his flesh burned. He did the same to us. It was just SO funny.

The tragedy highlights the growing problem of early death among corporate managers. The three leading causes of workplace injury in the City of London are:

1. Placing a hot idea on a backburner without safety gloves
2. Not looking where youre going while singing from the same hymn sheet
3. Picking the low hanging fruit while downsourcing a paradigm shift

Funeral directors have been instructed to stuff Mr Slickmans corpse in a bin bag, because he was a great fan of thinking outside the box.

11:00

New series of CSI Isle of Wight starts tonight "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CSI Isle of Wight star William Roache admitted today that the new series of the all-action forensic detective drama was just what he needed to put his travails behind him. Roache plays heart-throb DCI Leighton Drumstick, known to all as Buzzard, whose puns on local place-names as he puts on the handcuffs have caught the imagination of the viewing public. Youve got a ticket to ride he said to one felon to Ryde prison. You can shut Yar mouth he tells another and, cuffing a hapless heroin addict on the beach, he points out to sea saying those Needles are the last ones youll see for the next 10 years.

The new series promises to be as exciting and hard hitting as ever, with the seedy side of island life often to the fore. In one episode a drugs cartel corners the island market and panic spreads as they exert their sphincter-like grip and residents realise they cannot go. Tension builds to bursting point as pushers have no success and nothing and no-one moves. Eventually, just when the whole island is about to explode, Drumstick, disobeying his bosses orders, disguises himself as a pizza delivery boy, penetrates the gangs Shanklin hideout and releases their huge deposit of Sanatogen, however the shit really hits the fan when he gets back to the station.

Drumstick becomes furious in the series climax, when he finds a motor vehicle inconsiderately parked overlapping a disability space near Sandown beach. Vaulting a low wall, the outraged detective chases the perp along the golden sand only to realise, when he finally brings him down, it is his troubled teenage nephew Bruno, son of his Italian brother Guiseppe, who mysteriously disappeared whilst working undercover on a job-seekers allowance fraud case. As Drumstick is coming to terms with this, his nemesis from the previous series Donnabella, his brothers beautiful but evil wife emerges, bikini clad, from the foaming surf. Hi Buzz, surprised to see us? she smirks, but Drumstick recovers quickly Well it looks like the Cowes really do come home in the end he quips as he cuffs young Bruno.

10:09

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Behzat . "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

behzatc

Behzat is a Turkish police drama about the existential crises of a detective investigating murders in the Turkish capital Ankara, which would not seem the usual target for a Humourless Marxist Review, particularly written by an Australian comrade, but here we are, arent we?

Why did I spend the past three years learning Turkish through this programme as my only form of international theory or practice, while my only domestic practice, organising fast food workers within RaFFWU, dwindled to nothing? Because the Workers Spatula Central Committee ordered me to do so, and if the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the world revolution tells you to watch some Turkish guy with a messy haircut run around in the dark punching criminals and being sad about it, you fucking do it, comrade.

When [REDACTED] first discovered me, I was just a low-level member of Socialist Alliance trying to organise the fast food workers of Melbourne. Now I speak fluent Turkish and am intimately familiar with Turkish drinking culture, and also Im on my way to Angara to join the (Birleik) Devrimci Partinin saflarna. All thanks to three seasons of a show about a cop.

Obviously, this is no communist show. The hero is an officer of the bourgeois state, after all. But the portrayal of the police in the show is consistently revealing of the limitations of justice in class society: driven by an honest conscience, whenever Behzat and his friends try to do the right thing, they are either forced to go against the explicit orders of the state bureaucracy and struggle against the actu...

09:10

Fish Cheat Death In Daring Escape Bid "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Residents in the Battambang commune of Tapon were on alert for a time this morning, after two fish went on the run from a high-security bucket. Local resident, Sawon Kenwood, had purchased the fish yesterday afternoon, with a view to cooking them,...

06:28

Sex Swap Couple's Romance Due To Typewriter Accident "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A 'sex swap' couple in Ontario have revealed how their meeting and subsequent romance were a complete accident, after both suffered from a bang on the head at work. Leslie Jones, 48, a bricklayer at the Straight-Up Building Company in the city, wa...

05:48

Knock-Off Drinks Cranks Up A Notch After Site Manager Takes Out False Teeth For A Laugh "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BOURKE | Editor | Contact Knock-off drinks took a wild turn for a group of construction workers as half-cut site manager Mike Derry Derringer (54) whipped his false teeth out for a laugh. Members of the group are alleged to have seen Derry pull this trick before but still managed genuine shock and laughter as he flicked his []

The post Knock-Off Drinks Cranks Up A Notch After Site Manager Takes Out False Teeth For A Laugh appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:00

Trump Buys Huge, Fortified Estate in Russia "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mar-A-Lago, FL President Obama's secret bugs in the White House have revealed that President Trump has been trying to purchase a very large estate in Russia, surrounded by a moat and a BIG WALL. He has finally closed on it, after securing loans from...

03:42

Trump Writes Letter On Behalf Of Donny Jr., And Sends It To Mueller Investigation "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Mir-A-Lago, Florida President Donald Trump, feeling guilty about implicating his son, Donny, in the Mueller investigation, has written a letter to Mueller about his errant son. It has been leaked to the press: Dear Mr. Mueller, Please excuse Dona...

03:08

Film School Student Goes Back And Deletes Controversial Tweets Just In Case "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BOURKE | Editor | Contact The fear of God has been put into film school student Tony McGuire (22) who has deleted all his controversial tweets, just in case the unthinkable happens and he becomes a famous director. According to McGuire, in the rare event he makes a living as a Hollywood director, he is concerned that his []

The post Film School Student Goes Back And Deletes Controversial Tweets Just In Case appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:52

I Wish They Didnt Cover The Coleslaw In Mayo Says Man Halfway Through 800g Schnitty "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BOURKE | Editor | Contact Local unit Jared OToole (32) tucked into a well-earned pub lunch only to express a disdain for the coleslaw that was saturated in mayonnaise that accompanied his 800g schnitzel. Taking in a few jars at the Betoota Tavern, OToole opted for the schnitzel instead of the chicken burger as to save on carbs. []

The post I Wish They Didnt Cover The Coleslaw In Mayo Says Man Halfway Through 800g Schnitty appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:33

Malcolm Turnbull Accused Of Being A Class Traitor After Being Pictured Wearing Hi-Vis "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Members of the Wentworth Electorate have slammed their sitting member today. The high net-worth and socio-economically well to do electorate has accused their representative, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull of turning his back on them. The criticism comes after leaked photos emerged of the PM parading around in a high visibility vest. Turnbull has []

The post Malcolm Turnbull Accused Of Being A Class Traitor After Being Pictured Wearing Hi-Vis appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:08

Its 2018, and Its Time for Women of Color to Be Represented in Our Marriage "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We live in a progressive time. The days of mediocre white men dominating the media are coming to an end. As a straight white male myself, I am thrilled about the success of movies like Get Out and Black Panther that I can watch to prove I am not racist.

While watching movies and posting online about how important they are is a heroic and brave act, we cannot stop there. We must look at our own lives and find ways to work towards the inclusion of marginalized groups on a personal level. So baby, this is why I feel its time for women of color to be represented in our marriage.

I think we can agree that an all white marriage is a bad look. Lets look at the numbers. Our marriage is 100% white and 50% male. That makes it 75% problematic. When you factor in that were both straight, it becomes increasingly clear that we are not doing our part. We need to act and find a third member of our relationship, ideally Asian. This would make us 66% white, 33% male, and either 33% or 66% LGBTQ+ depending on how chill you decide to be. Any measure short of this is white supremacy, and I refuse to participate in a Nazi marriage.

What kind of message are we sending? When we have a daughter someday, I want to be able to look her 18-year-old friends in the eye, be they black, asian, or other, and say that they can accomplish anything. How can we tell them they can be in the White House if they cant even see themselves in our bedroom? There is room in this marriage for Black Girl Magic or, just spitballing here, Ancient Chinese Mystery? Okay, that sounded pretty racist but I think you know my heart is in the right place.

If you want to be on the wrong side of history, I will understand and respect the prison of monogamy you have imposed upon me. However, until we have justice in this marriage, I will be taking a knee before all sex in protest.

The post Its 2018, and Its Time for Women of Color to Be Represented in Our Marriage appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:55

Suspicions grow about man who found seven corpses while walking dog "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Police insist they are still keeping an open mind about Jim Greyston of Kent, who has broken all previous corpse-finding records set by dog walkers. Three months ago he found the body of a murdered hitch-hiker while exercising his dog Toby near Alston Green outside Maidstone. Since then, he has stumbled upon the dismembered bodies of three sex workers and three more hitch-hikers in what a police spokesman calls a case of lightning striking seven times in the one place.

Mr Greyston insists he is as surprised as anyone by these coincidences, and suggests he and his dog just happen to take the same routes chosen by psychotic killers dumping bodies not that Id know anything of the habits of psychotic killers, he hastily adds. His wife has come to his defence, saying: Hes always finding things once he found a 5 note and a mobile phone on the same day. Also, she says he has more time on his hands for taking walks since he sold his vegetable garden and his four refrigerators last year.

Mr Greyston says his dog must have a talent for finding bodies and body parts, and he has made a list of other victims the Jack Russell terrier might be able to sniff out. He insists he is just a law abiding citizen who works as a long distance truck driver while earning some extra cash as a butcher at weekends.

Tuesday, 10 July

23:52

Uncle insists he was in Texas during events of chainsaw massacre "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

At a family event last month an Uncle kept insisting he was in Texas during the grisly murders of the fictional film The Texas Chainsaw Massacre We tried explaining to him that it was a movie based around the killings by Ed Gein in Wisconsin bu...

20:00

Boy you teased in high school becomes omnipotent leader of his own planet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Recent reports from the international space station suggest that the boy you used to pick on in high school has somehow developed unfathomable powers and taken control of a previously unknown heavenly body in the area of Betelgeuse. We were send...

06:12

Scamatology Reps Visit North Korea to Study Their Labor Camps "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Our correspondent has learned that the Church of Scamatology has sent representatives to North Korea to study their labor camp system. Scamatology has been known to throw wayward "Clams," as they like to be called, into either the RPF, which is where...

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